March 3rd, 2007

My old man,

I love coming up with all things to call you now that we're married. Could be the best part of being married. Wouldn't you agree?

On the other hand, coming back here as a newly married woman and having to explain to people that no, my name is not Lorelai Gilmore, has caused a bit of confusion. At least Graciela and Phillipe remember you, they know that you're more than a figment of my imagination, so it's not a problem for them. I think the biggest problem was with the border patrol or whatever you call the people you have to show your passport to. See my brand spanking new driver's license has my name as Lorelai Danes and my passport has it as Lorelai Gilmore, all I can say is that at least I managed a new picture on that license cause man I look gorgeous in the new pic. The old one looked like a photo they take when you're arrested or something.

That's beside the point, the thing is that I need to have a new passport before I try to return to the US again because apparently it's easier to go from the US to France with non-matching licenses and passports as long as I had a copy of our marriage license with me, than it is to go from France to the US. Makes me feel like Paris wants me more. Guess you and Uncle Sam are going to have to fight for me.

So sometime in the next few weeks I'm going to have to make it over to the embassy to try to work things out with them. Last time I was over there I was trying to figure out how to do the whole passport thing with Caleb and I think I drove them so crazy that they'll pretty much agree to any of my requests. You want a share of the Statue of Liberty? I might be able to get that for you.

Being back here in Paris and knowing what it was like to be married to you for a few days, I mean really married because I know that I'm still married to you but I don't feel married, it's just tough. I feel like I should be spending every night in my married bed with my lawfully wedded husband and instead I'm here tossing and turning in this wide spacious bed, trying to pretend that you are here beside me. Somehow it's like trying to make memories into blankets that I can wrap around me on these cold nights. It doesn't really work but it's as close as I can get to your actual person beside me.

Now, I need to stop complaining because it is actually nice to be back. Phillipe tried to plan this wedding while I was gone that did not go off as well as planned. Apparently he didn't realize the certain members of the groom's family weren't especially fond of the bride's, you get the picture. Of course, as it turns out, some of the groom's family was very fond of the bride's as Anna, one of the maids, found the groom's brother and the bride's sister in the broom closet having a small bit of relations. Oh Luke, forgive me but I love my stupid jokes.

It's nice to feel needed at work. Like I told you, the inn is doing much better than before but I still there there's some room for improvement. Plus, Mike's going to bring by some applicants for my position later this month so that he can hire the person and I can have time to train them before I head back home. Makes me a little sad to realize that this chapter of my life is going to be over in a few months time but I suppose there are better things to come.

So I noticed I left my list of things I wanted to do when I was home on my desk here, but I guess it doesn't really matter does it? I didn't get half of the stuff done that I wanted. Nothing turned out like I thought and, hey, I'm not complaining.

That inn we stayed in on the coast, just spending the time together as newlyweds, just us and the ocean. I'm pretty nostalgic today, I think. But honestly, we've been to Paris together and Martha's Vineyard, but the idea of just a small inn, just a small place where we could spend a few days just with each other, just be the newly married us, God Luke, life's never going to get any better than that. To have you always with me, looking into my eyes and you don't have to say anything for me to know how much you're feeling right at the moment. To lay on the beach or on the porch, just letting the world rush by around us while to us all that matters is each other. There are no words. Seriously, I'm sitting here trying to come up with what exactly was coursing through me and I'm just so overcome, so full of everything, of you, of that deep and honest emotion we call love.

I am a part of all that I have met
Tho much is taken, much abides
That which we are, we are --
One equal temper of heroic hearts
Strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield

Yup, I'm so crazy in love that I'm quoting poetry to you. Look what you've turned me into. This sappy woman, I belong in one of those Meg Ryan movies I swear. It's Tennyson in case you were wondering. Really the reason I've always remembered this poem might have something to do with Ted Kennedy, I'm not exactly sure, but that's what I figure. I think I was twelve when he made that speech at the convention but something about this poem got to me and I wrote it down. Seriously, there are things I do that I just can't explain.

I can't help but thing that this really speaks to us at the moment. We are a part of each other Luke. Miles and miles away from each other, an ocean between us, and you're still with me, I'm still with you. It's more than the rings on our fingers and a signed piece of paper that bind us together. We are one heart. One mind. One soul. Anything that seeks to tear us apart, we're strong than all of it, we'll take it down, we won't stop until we're as physically together as we are in heart and mind.

God I can't stop crying. What is wrong with me? It almost reminds me of when I was in my early pregnancy with Caleb. The littlest things could get to me and make me bawl. Thankfully, no morning sickness right now, so I'm pretty sure I'm in the clear.

Those were the days, weren't they? I was so scared all the time. I was frightened that I'd really done it this time, I'd really lost you and there was no turning back. Every letter I'd open with a huge gratitude to my unborn son that at least he got you to keep writing to me. We went through so much, you went through so much that I don't even know about I'm sure. It was hard and it was tough but we made it and it doesn't at all seem easy when I look back.

But anything just to have that small moment from last Sunday before Caleb and I got on the plane to go home. You know I think that something my mother never understood is that it's the simple things in life that can bring the most happiness. The first robin in spring. The first snowfall in winter. The laughter of a small child. Big parties are fun, sure, but they can't for a moment compare to the little things.

Who would think that waking up early Sunday morning would be my greatest memory from my trip home? I got married for Pete's sakes, and don't get me wrong, that was wonderful, our wedding, everything you planned, the house and all of it was great. But Sunday morning was special. And I'm not specifically talking about the first time I woke up that morning, although what's better than some good lovin from your husband? Not much from my point of view.

What I meant by early Sunday morning, was waking up just before noon to the sounds of bacon frying and pancakes griddling. I got to go downstairs in my comfy comfy clothes and my fabulous rings on my finger and kiss my husband and eat breakfast with my daughter and son and stepdaughter. Of course, Caleb didn't really eat with us, but he was there just the same. Then I got to lounge around in my absolutely fabulous living room created and built by my husband and hang with my girls and watch my husband entertain our son.

You know I wonder if my mother ever sat there and marveled, as I have, at her husband and her child. He's three months old, fourteen weeks to be more exact, and he's already such a character. He's so much of you and so much of me already. When he smiles, I just sit there in amazement and wish I could just reach for him and hold him close forever. But then I watch him with you and it's like I've never seen anything quite like it before. When he looks up at you it's like he trusts you with everything, his life and his future. And when you play with him or hold him or sing to him, I can see that he fills your world.

My mother used to say I was settling – that by being with you I was settling for less than what I wanted or deserved. I just don't get it. I don't know how there could be anything more than what I have. This love I have for you, it's so powerful, it's in each breath I take, each beat of my heart, and when I think of you, which is so constant that it's a wonder I get anything done, I'm so overcome by this feeling that all I can do is close my eyes and let it take me over. How can she think I could want anything more that that? How can she think that there's anyone who's better for me than you? You, the one person who truly gets me, who understands my madness even when I don't. And how can she say I'm settling when lying here next to me is this perfect little boy, to whom I'm his entire world until we finally return home to you. How can there be anything else?

How can she look at me and not see you and Caleb? That's what I see. When I look at you, I can see the world and it's all I need. All I'll ever need.

Thank you, my love, for this present. Thank you for bringing me home and giving me a home to come to and not just a place that used to seem like home. Thank you for making me your wife and promising me forever, for knowing that neither of are settling, that we're getting more than we could have ever hoped for. Thank you for your love, that sustains me through every moment of my life.

Forever yours,

Lorelai