But not for long.

When we leave for Nagisa's grandmother, Nagisa and I would have a complete family, if only for a moment. And then after that, Nagisa and I would always have each other to rely on. We would be free to let go of the past and bridge the quiet distance between us. All we had to do was weather these difficulties and inch towards a brighter future, a new beginning. Then there would be peace. Our lives would be whole again.

That was how I encouraged myself. I told myself that clear skies would always come after the rain.

While waiting for such a scene to come, in the faintly drizzling morning, I received a visit from Homura-chan and Kaname-san.

When I opened the door, I saw that they had their arms linked together comfortably, the two looking like a married couple. A tinge of jealousy flitted past me, and I wondered how I would look if I took Kaname-san's place. Nothing would come to mind.

After exchanging pleasantries, I asked why they had come.

Homura-chan said, "It simply happened. Do we need a particular reason to concern for a sick friend?"

I could not bring myself to believe her, however much I wanted to. But being clear-minded enough, I managed to keep my suspicion from showing. After exchanging witty banter with Homura-chan, I invited the two in for tea. Kaname-san expressed apprehension, but I coaxed her into joining me, telling her that good company helps the mind and body recover.

Still, I could not hide the fact that I was exerting myself. I struggled to reach for the tea boxes shelved away in high cupboards. It was trying to even speak for long. Noticing this, Kaname-san insisted that I rest by the sofa. I protested, unwilling to submit to neither my weakness nor her kindness.

I turned to Homura-chan for support. To my dismay, she sided with Kaname-san.

Watching the two navigate my kitchen with ease, I felt like a guest in my own home. I could not even extend a helping hand. In an attempt to shake off my uneasiness, I tried my best to make conversation.

"How did you find out I was sick?"
"You weren't in school, that's why," Kaname-san replied. "So I thought you were probably very sick. I've never seen you miss a class before, Mami-san."

Homura-chan continued from there, while preparing the usual cakes and cutlery.

"Madoka asked me how you were doing. I told her to look for Sakura-san instead."
"And then?"
"Kyouko-chan told us you were having a high fever."
"Sakura-san?"

I wanted to ask them how Sakura-san had found out about my condition, but our conversation was cut short as Homura-chan spread out white tablecloth and set the tea.

"Have you seen the doctor yet?" Homura-chan asked as we took our seats by the coffee table. "You haven't, have you?"

I gave a sheepish laugh and took a sip of tea. But I could not taste anything. Naturally, I made a face suggesting great relish and delight.

"It's alright. I intend to soon."
"If you say so."
"But how did you know?"
"I know you well."

She took the teapot in hand and, gesturing, offered to refill my teacup. I declined.

"But, Mami-san, wouldn't it probably be best if you were to see the doctor sooner? What if it gets worse?"
"It's alright, it's alright. It's getting better. There's no rush."
"How about we accompany you to the clinic later then, whenever it's convenient?"
"I appreciate your trying to help."
"But –"
"Madoka."

Homura-chan interrupted her in a soft tone.

"Tomoe-san knows her own condition best."
"Nn. You don't have to worry about me, Kaname-san. I'm everyone's reliable senpai, after all."

Smiling defiantly towards them, I rolled up my sleeve and gave a small thumbs-up, intending to seem like a cool onee-san figure. But all I did was make Kaname-san chortle and choke on her tea. Homura-chan took immediately to Kaname-san's side and patted her back.

"Gomenasai, Mami-san," she gasped out in between breaths, "It just – so funny, what you were doing, gomen gomen."
"Ah. Ahaha, is it? I guess I shouldn't do things that don't fit me."
"No, no, I mean, I didn't mean it that – "

I struck the same pose again.

"Puha – "

Kaname-san burst out into shrill laughter. I followed along, laughing together with her. Homura-chan alone remained stone-faced.

Looking squarely at the two of us still giggling, she smiled regally at us. And then, sticking her tongue out and rolling her eyes skywards, she neighed.

We went hysterical at the ridiculous sight, almost toppling the cake stand atop the table.

Thus, our impromptu comedy sketch continued for a few rounds, each of us trying to outdo the rest in absurdity. I felt for a moment like we were little boys, coming up with juvenile antics to beat back the oppressive tedium of quietude and harmony.

When we had at last tired of the routine, we sat in silence and watched the drizzling world beyond my windows. Warm sunlight blanketed us from beneath the layers of gossamer clouds.

Then, Homura-chan began to sing.

以呂波耳本部止
千利奴流乎和加
餘多連曽津祢那
良牟有為能於久
耶万計不己衣天
阿佐伎喩女美之
恵比毛勢須

Captivated, I could not quite say anything.

"It's a nice poem, isn't it?"

Though I could not understand a single word she had said, I seemed to understand what it was about. My heart swelled up with nobility.

"It's one of my favourites," she said, smiling.

And she sang her simple melody again.

いろはにほへと ちりぬるを
わかよたれそ つねならむ
うゐのおくやま けふこえて
あさきゆめみし ゑひもせす

Receiving no response, she told me, "Since you have always shared your own poems with me, I supposed I ought to repay the gesture and share the ones I find dear."

Lowering my gaze, I nodded to show my appreciation.

"What does it mean?" Kaname-san asked.
"Isn't it quite obvious?"
"Is it?"
"Of course. It's just A, B, C, D, E, F, G – "
"Mou, Homura-chan! I know what it says. I just can't quite understand it."
"Then why don't you go and translate it for yourself? It's a simple poem, if dated."
"Muu…"

Kaname-san pouted and puffed her cheeks, only to get a chuckle out of Homura-chan.

But as she kept her eyes on Kaname-san, her expression of joy began to wane into severity. Before long, she looked away and pushed the topic onward.

"Tomoe-san, do you happen to remember the poem you showed me some time ago?"
"Which one?"
"This:

静かに寄り添って
どこにも行かないで
窓辺でさえずって
どこにも行かないで"

"Ah, yes, I do."
"Have you changed your mind yet?"
"Pardon?"
"What do you think it means now? Is it different from how you read it back then?"
"I don't think so."

Our eyes locked. It felt like she was looking through me. I quickly avoided her gaze.

"It sounds good!" Kaname-san said. "What does it mean, Mami-san?"
"Well, you see, I'm not really too sure."
"Is it the kind of poem that's open to interpretation?"
"Not really. I guess you could say it's just very open-ended."
"Then what do you think it means now, Tomoe-san?"

I tried my best to recall what it was that I found, out of so many possible readings, closest to my heart all along. After some deliberation, I had arrived at my answer.

Come closer quietly
Don't go anywhere
Chirp your song by the window
Don't go anywhere

Homura-chan responded with her eyes straying over the carpet, as she pinched the handle of her teacup.

"I see," was her only reply.

It looked as if she was disappointed in me somehow, but I could not be certain.

With that, Homura-chan turned to Kaname-san again.

"And what do you think Tomoe-san's poem means?"
"Mm…"
"It's tricky, isn't it? It's a poem that reveals more about the reader than the writer."
"Then," I asked, "what do you think it means, Homura-chan?"

She seemed to consider my question thoughtfully.

"I think it is what it is."

Lingering, she gazed out the windows and finished her tea.

"I don't understand any more than that."

Then, she smirked for an instant, before her expression grew into a furtive grin.

"But beyond that, Tomoe-san, I've noticed, your hair – it is quite beautiful, isn't it? Even when you are heavily sick, on a day when you expect no one."

I could not tell what Homura-chan was insinuating and wanted to confront her. But as soon as I tried to speak, I started coughing violently.

"Ah, Mami-san!"

The rigours of activity were beginning to take their toll on my health. I could not even pause to catch my breath. Eyes watering over, I felt my body lighten itself away.

Kaname-san rushed to my side.

"Are you okay?"

Her look of kindness and worry seemed then like the flat of a warm knife being pressed onto my jugular vein.

I waved a hand to dismiss her concerns as I clutched onto my chest. There was nothing more I could do.

We remained in that position until my coughing fit died down.

"I'm fine," I finally replied, hoarse.

Kaname-san passed me a glass of water from the coffee table.

"Here, Mami-san."

With shaky hands, I took the glass and drank slowly.

And in the corner of my eyes, I saw Homura-chan rising to her feet.

"Perhaps it would be best if you rest more, Tomoe-san."
"Mami-san, can you get to the bed? Or do you feel like lying on the sofa?"
"I'm fine. I'm fine."
"Where is your medicine? I'll get it for you."
"I'm fine."

Disregarding me, Homura-chan strode away. I could hear her rummaging my cupboards. But she soon returned.

"You don't have any left?"

I shook my head.

Then, I fell into another short bout of coughing.

"Mami-san, shouldn't we go to the clinic now? Or maybe I can get some medicine at the pharmacy?"
"I'm fine."
"What good will this do you, Tomoe-san?"
"I'm fine. I just need some rest."
"Mami-san…"
"Please understand. I am alright. I'm just tired. There is no need to concern yourselves over me."

Kaname-san looked like she had more to say but she was, again, stopped by Homura-chan.

"Very well then. But at the very least, let us help you to your room. If it pleases you any, take it that we are simply fulfilling our duty."
"Out of friendship?"
"Out of conscience. You, after all, prefer the kindness of strangers, don't you?"

I could not answer her question or deny her request. I could not bring myself to look at her.

With Homura-chan supporting me by the shoulders, I walked unsteadily back to the bedroom. There, I slowly lay down and tucked myself under the covers.

"If you need anything, we'll be in the living room," she said before walking away, leaving the door ajar.

Watching her receding figure, I mumbled out my thanks. I was grateful that the two did not decide to leave immediately. I did not want to be alone then.

As I rested on my bed, the sun came out in full force again beneath the clouds. The temperature was swelling into the heights of summer, but I only felt colder as time passed. A haze seemed to cloud over my mind, and I slipped in and out of consciousness.

At some point, I opened my eyes to find clear skies. Walking to the living room, there was no one there. They had left.

I then decided to visit the doctor, realising that I had to be back by the time Nagisa returned.

My body was still weak, but I told myself that I had to persevere.

Grabbing my wallet and phone, I put on a coat to stave away the burning cold and checked myself in the mirror. Everything looked fine. Then, I headed into the heat.

Outside, everything was so bright that I could not see more than a metre ahead. I tried my best to walk straight ahead.

When I got to the lift lobby, as luck had it, both lifts were under maintenance. I had to take the stairs down, steps all wet from the rain. Peering down the circular stairwell, there was only brightness. The reflections of the sun on the puddles of water made each floor seem brighter and deeper than the ones before it.

Heaving my sluggish body, I gripped the railings tightly and leaned on them to support my weight. With wobbly footing, I descended step by step in a painfully slow pace, careful not to slip. Every now and then, my fever would rise and my muscles would ache without warning, threatening to bring me to my knees.

I could not help but think: maybe it is time to give up.

But I could not allow myself to do that. I would rather die.

Under my breath, I muttered again and again, "Keep going. Keep going. You are Tomoe Mami. Tomoe Mami. Keep going."

After what felt like hours, in my lightheaded state, I stopped at a landing to check where I was. Tracing the metal inscription on the wall with my fingers, I found that I had finally made it halfway to the ground floor. So, I made time for a short break. Only then did I realise how breathless I was. My chest was aching. Sweat pooled at my chin and drenched through my clothes.

I continued my descent shortly after. I was running out of time.

"Keep going. Keep going. Be strong. You must. Or, everything, again, everything... ah."

Quickly drying my tears, I carried on.

Then, along the way, my arms suddenly gave out. My feet slid off the edge of the steps.

I hit my head on the railing and tumbled down to the bottom of the next landing.

Lying huddled, I felt no pain, strangely. Only a warm numbness coursed through my body.

Neither could I see anything anymore. All the world was glassy white.

My sightless eyes, however, did not bother me. Instead, what was most painful was to know that even with both eyes wide open, I might as well have been blind.

I could not fathom another person's intentions, nor could I reach out to others. I could not understand myself and my actions. I knew only that I was sad. I was angry. I was hurt. I was disgusted with myself. I was sorry for what I had done. And I dreaded how the bright and promising future that awaited us had no end in sight.

As I tried to gather my willpower and stand back up, I briefly wondered what I was doing all of this for.