A/N: I originally wrote this as a long scene in Chapter 176 of IDBH, but excised it because of the Mood here kind of clashed with the rest of the chapter and because...I think this works better as a Vignette.

This takes place after Kerumoto took Ken by car to somewhere where they could talk and would have taken place shortly after the IT had just checked in to the Amagi Inn.

"Meaning in Life"
Kerumoto Daro/Ken Itomori
October 30, 2011

Tokogori Cemetery

Kerry and Ken were in front of a grave, in a non-descript section of the cemetery. Few trees nearby. Grass. Lines of headstones, some with various religious symbols. It was like most other cemeteries.

The headstone in front of them bore a name. Daro Tokohiko, 1981/4/26-1999/7/9

Kerry just stood there. Tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Is this your brother?" Ken asked after a time.

She shook her head slowly. "No. My husband…"

He looked at her in surprise. "Your husband?!"

She nodded.

"But why is he here? You had mentioned that you were from Sapporo," Ken asked.

She looked at him and, after making an attempt to dry her tears, she said. "I was…but for 2 years, I lived here in Inaba, with my mother."

"I didn't know…"

She chuckled ruefully. "How could you? I hardly ever told anyone."

"But…you and he would have been in…"

"High School, yes," she replied.

"But…" Ken said, still confused.

She smiled sadly and said, "When I was 13, I was arranged to a boy in Sapporo. When I turned 16, we met on my birthday and had a nice date…but he felt I wasn't 'The One'. While it stung at first, I eventually got used to it, because he was so sweet and kind, he didn't want to hurt me and he was concerned that we would be in a platonic marriage. Just a couple of friends who respected and loved each other that far…but nothing further than that."

"My Dad was, to put it mildly, pissed off. He had thought I had been inadequate with my intended. That I should have done more to woo him. I told Dad I gave him a kiss and unless he wanted me to be a whore and sleep with that boy, I didn't know what else I was supposed to do."

"What was his reply?" Ken said, not sure he wanted to have the answer he was already jumping to be confirmed.

"He essentially said I should have been a whore. Even said the classic Westerner phrase, 'You can't have an omelet without breaking a few eggs'"

"I take it your father was using this arrangement to get ahead?" Ken asked.

Kerry nodded, the pain of her father's ambition taking precedent over her feelings still stinging even after the time had passed. "Yes. The boy's family was quite influential and Dad wanted to get in on the second floor…maybe even the third with an arranged marriage. Mom, on the other hand, had been reluctant the entire time, but after she heard those words, she told Dad off, took me with her and we settled in Inaba with her sister. I went to the Academy soon thereafter."

"And then, that's when I met him. Tokohiko," she said. "He was such a quiet, studious boy, he wasn't like all the others who played sports, or threw themselves into academics and yet make a name for themselves out of it. He just went to class, participated where he could, play clarinet in the music class and then, go home and do homework for a couple of hours. Worked part-time. He seemed to be one of the silent majority at that school."

"How did you two meet? If you don't mind, that is."

She chuckled wryly. "We've come this far, Ken. It's all in from here…" Then she looked distant, with a fond smile on her face. "We were in a Literature class together when we met, but then we ended up in Debate Club. Some teacher who taught there at the time and now teaches at Yasogami thought after separate arguments we had with the same bratty girl we were 'competition-worthy' and so press-ganged us into service. I wondered what he had said to impress the teacher. I just managed to point out the flaws in her troll logic without being childish for once."

"At any rate, he and I were in a debate together as a practice session for when we would compete. IT was our official audition. Toko chose Pro and I chose Con. The issue was whether to deal with fanatical Japanese terrorists as criminals or enemy combatants. Pro meant using the military and Con meant using the police."

"That's a surprising position for him to take, especially since the Military is a defense force only," Ken pointed out.

"In Debate class, it wasn't what you personally felt that counted. Only how strong you believed in your argument. Privately, we both believed Con, but he knew there were those who believed in Pro."

"We held the debate on a Saturday. The Debate Class attended, but our guests were the Political and Social Science classes."

"When Toko went up there with me, he took his turn first and said that the Military had to be used as a means of defense. Terrorists were using weapons of military-grade and therefore the circumstances required a military response. The subway gassing a few years before had left people thinking that even the police could not muster a response to crack down on Terrorists. The times were changing and we had to meet the enemy and change with it."

"I watched him deliver his position. He never raised his voice past emphasis…but I could feel his passion, quiet as it was. And I could see…He believed in his argument wholeheartedly, at least in the context in the debate."

She laughed. "To say I was smitten was an understatement. But when it was my turn, I had to put that attraction and budding love aside and went with my argument. I felt that there was no need to have the JDF to be used against fanatical terrorists. Instead, I argued that the police needed to advance. In science, forensics, even tactics… They needed to adapt to the paramilitary mindset…without becoming military themselves. Without compromising what the police are supposed to be. To protect and serve its citizens. To be a tool of justice."

"The debate ended. The critiques were mixed, but I believe he edged me out by a couple of people who had lost family in the gassing…and believed that military was a better answer than police."

"As for Toko, he and I went out to Aiya's for dinner to 'celebrate' and discuss our experience further."

"But you must have had some sort of effect on him when it was your turn…but you didn't mention it…"

"I didn't know it… Not until we were in his bed, having our first time," Kerry said with a smirk that was a combination of loving reminiscence and rueful disbelief.

"Oh!" Ken said, and oddly enough, he was blushing. "I see."

She laughed. "Anyway, we were in love with each other. The sex had, if anything, intensified the feeling in our hearts for each other. He had told me he had fallen in love with me, much like I had fallen for him, based off of my passionate argument. Unlike him, I was eloquent, but a little loud. Not that I was yelling, but I think I may have hit a couple of points a little harder than I should have."

"Of course, in case you were wondering, his parents and my Mom found out."

"I take it they and she respectively weren't happy…" Ken asked.

Kerry shook her head. "Only his mother disapproved of me at first, but I eventually won her over. It took a few months, but she and I became as close as I was to my Mom and my aunt."

"So I take it after a whirlwind romance, you two got married…" Ken said.

The pain returned to Kerry's eyes and face. "I wish it were true. Gods, how I wish it were that storybook…but in August '98, Toko went to the hospital. At first, we thought it was because of exhaustion because he had been preparing for some big September concert while at the same time trying to prepare early for Midterms in October. He had had a setback earlier that year because his Brother had been in some trouble and he wanted to be a good brother. Toko wanted to make up for the slack when he didn't have to."

"It wasn't exhaustion," Ken said. It wasn't a question.

The tears streamed down again and Ken gave her some time. When Kerry regained some semblance of composure, she said, "It was some genetic disease with some long-ass name I couldn't pronounce and a longer-ass reputation in medical circles. It's a slow killer… something in the Nanjo line not always mixing well with the Kirijo line…or at least their family trees. Whatever it was, it was giving Toko a year to live…maybe less, at least that's what was quoted to us."

"Toko and I were devastated. We wanted him to fight. Both him and I. But the experimental treatment cost hundreds of thousands of yen…and his family, while on the upper crust of Inaba…couldn't afford more than four months of that."

"There was nothing? Donations? An Assistance Program? Insurance? Anything?"

She shook her head. "No, his insurance didn't cover it. His family were considered by some of the more common folk as not being worthy of donations…because the wags thought that the family could afford it. There was no assistance program at the time… I even asked my Dad, begged him really…but he was so pissed at Mom and the divorce was so contentious that he was willing to fuck over Toko just to get back at Mom. I told him he was no longer my father."

"I'm sorry," Ken said, and meant it.

"Thank you," she said, brushing back a few stray tears. "So in the end, I quit my clubs and after school got part-time work. Mom and my aunt helped a little. We tried to do what we could so Toko could have his fifth month of treatment. Maybe even a sixth without his parents going to the…'Legitimate Businessmen' to ask for help."

"Toko soon needed help just to get around and so with Mom's permission, I moved in with him. I helped him every day. And when I mean he needed help getting around, I don't mean I had to hold his hand, though I wouldn't have minded doing that. It's just that when we'd walk, we could go a quarter mile and then BAM! He'd lose his balance and I had to catch him. Or he could go up steps fine, but down, he needed me to lean on in case he thought he was going to lose his balance."

"But after the first three months, his doctor said that…It was no use, the treatment wasn't working on him."

"I was devastated. I was angered at the gods and my ancestors for putting him through this. He was a wonderful boy who was without sin. Without. Sin. He deserved better."

"But then I realized, I had to be strong for him…and me… And I had to help him more. So I quit my jobs…I quit school. And I spent my time with him because he had become too sick to go to school."

"I talked to his parents one day about how much I loved him and I didn't want him to be alone when he died. They knew what I meant. They knew I meant 'unmarried', so the talked to my Mother and I had their blessing to marry Toko."

Ken said nothing. How could he at this juncture of the story?

"Toko and I had talked about marriage and kids shortly after we got together…but now…we wouldn't have the latter…but we had the former."

"On one of his 'good days' in January of 1999, we got married in a civil ceremony. We were so happy to finally be wed. We had our 'honeymoon' at the Amagi Inn. After dinner and a dip in the hotsprings, we consummated our marriage. But I remember him crying as he tore open the condom wrapper…see this disease was in a sexually communicable stage in him…so when we made love…he had to wear protection. I thought he was crying because his hands were shaking… but he said he was crying because… 'I wanted to feel you, Keru-chan, now that you are my wife, the same way I felt with you when we became a couple. And I can't…I'll never…'"

Kerry looked away and sobbed a little more. Then she said to Ken, who felt kind of helpless in this moment, because he wanted to comfort her, but did not know how she would react, "A few days after we left the Amagi Inn…he had no more good days. They were gradually getting worse. By March he couldn't walk without help. By May he could not see. By June he was bed ridden and needed a bedpan and on heavy painkillers."

"Then the night before he died. I told him that I loved him and I hoped that I brought meaning to his life. But he was so doped up on his meds…I thought he couldn't hear me. I was frustrated at that, because I knew by the end of the week, he'd be gone… he had no hope."

Tears started to form in her eyes. "The next morning, as the sun was coming up, he opened his eyes, and looked at me… and there was a peace in his eyes. As if he knew it was the end."

"And he said…he… s-said… 'You…brought….meaning…Do…mo….Ari…ga…to…'"

Kerry sobbed then loudly. It was as if the pain of her husband's last words had been locked away somewhere and then the locks broke and it all came flooding out.

And Ken felt wariness be damned, Kerry needed him, even if it were just a shoulder to cry on, and so he took her in his arms as she sobbed, surprised and relieved that she accepted and returned the embrace.

"Thank you…" She said when she could catch her breath. "After Toko-chan joined his ancestors, I lived with his parents for 2 more years to finish school and start preparing to go to University. I had decided to go abroad. Toko and I had spoken about it when we were hopeful that the treatment would work. Unfortunately I went on alone, with the vow I made to him and his parents that I would keep his last name until I found someone who was as worthy to me as Toko was…because they didn't want me to be a widow forever you see."

And then her eyes looked at him with a combination of pain and anger. "And I hadn't found anyone like that since. Every guy, even one that was a couple years in California, was just a nice guy until they got what they wanted. All I was to them was a hot piece of bilingual Japanese ass. I wasn't a woman to them…not in terms of an equal. And that's what pissed me off about what you did! I thought you were different. But you were the same as all the rest…just thinking of women as objects. Not as people. And that's what hurt me the most when you confessed your mistake to me. That's why. I thought you were different…" She said.

Ken hadn't said anything for the longest time. Hearing her pain of losing her husband, someone who Ken never met, but thought if he lived, would have been competing with Ryotaro for "Most Decent Guy of the Year" and someone Ken would want to take out for a beer. (Ken could have a beer, just one… he could drink a beer…No he couldn't… not just one…Control, Ken…Control… he thought to himself.)

But Ken was no fool. He knew he had made a huge mistake. Cost himself a lot. He thought he could have a free and clear path to a better romantic partnership than he had with his wife. And then he made a huge mistake. So all he could do after hearing Kerry speak about her husband in terms that she had tentatively called Ken in their more intimate moments is just speak on everything he felt at that moment.

"I deserve your anger. I deserve it. All of it. I made a huge mistake. I did a horrific, below-the belt sexist thing to Naoto-kun and I shouldn't have. I should have done something better. Something higher-minded."

"I'm not Toko-san. I could never be your husband. Your husband was the salt of the earth. Someone to whom decency and honesty and love was ingrained into him. Someone who could give Dojima a run for his money and even then none could say who the victor was. I can't be that man. I can never be that man."

"Because I'm a failure, a drunk, a weak man whose dedication to police work just papers over the cracks on the walls of my psyche. I shot a man who I trusted, though mine was not the hand that killed him, more than anything I could in the world of law-enforcement. I shot him and I was willing to not only kill him, I was willing to fucking ENJOY killing 'Rumpelstiltskin' and the only thing that saved me was his last words, threatening Charles Waldo in front of his father, that caused Dan to pull that trigger and end that scum's life. And I was okay with it…Until the next day."

"So if you wanted to tell me this story of how I failed you and that you and I are officially over, then that's fine, Miss Daro. I love you, but I can't love you. Because there's a monster in me. A monster that will destroy everything that you and your husband valued. True, it's not a murderous or violent monster. But it's an ugly monster nonetheless. And it's a monster you should keep your distance from…lest it drags you down with me…"

Kerry became angrier and slapped him. Ken was taken aback and touched his tender face. "Shut your mouth! You're just wallowing in self-flagellation because you feel guilty about what you did. And you're trying to use your one moment of righteous, and that's debatable, bloodlust which horrified you to try to tear you down further. Yes, you made a mistake. A huge one. But let me tell you why I told you all this."

"I know why…it's to just put the cap on our relationship!" Ken said.

"That's what you think? That I'm just going to call it quits?"

"You have plenty of reason to."

"That's not it."

"Then what is it?!" Ken said, before starting to walk off.

Angry tears ran down Kerry's cheeks. "It's because I still love you, you ass!"

Ken was stunned and stopped where he was.

"You're human. You make mistakes. Everyone does. You think you have the exclusive license on wanting to give in to debatable righteous bloodlust, or alcohol, or playing a prank that is stupid and hurtful. Many human beings do one or all of those sometime in their lifetime. The hope is that that stuff stops but it's human nature."

"But the reason I still love you is because despite all that, I think you're still a decent human being…because you've realized you made a horrific mistake and have tried to make things up with Naoto-kun…though a ruse like the one you played with contrition-by-suicide was a little extreme…All the other guys after Toko. They never apologized for who they were, because they never regretted who they were or at least, they didn't want to be better than who they were. You want to be better than who you are…not all the time…but you do want to improve yourself…and to prove to yourself you're not a weak man."

"And while I promised Toko and his family that I'd keep his family name until I found someone who was as worthy as he…it didn't mean the near-godly figure he was. I agree…not many men can attain that standard and being with one would just be chasing the memory of Toko and so once I attained such a man…I'd be bored quickly. I don't think a man to be as worthy as Toko has to be S-Rank honest, S-Rank decent, S-Rank caring, or even SSS-Rank selfless. I think that he has to be a man who has the passion and drive to want to improve the world and himself. Toko had that same passion. Even though he seemed as close to perfect…he sometimes as he got worse had flashes of anger, or selfishness, or despair…and he sometimes had been that way before he got sick. Not often…but enough where he'd immediately regret it and want to stop being that way…he fought to improve himself…and if the gods and his ancestors hadn't been unfair he probably would have reached his goal for himself and started achieving his dreams for others…by helping improve the Japanese Criminal justice system, then the American…But he didn't get to…but he wasn't a big man…he was a good man…and despite your mistakes…you're a good man too…and that's why I love you."

She then hugged him and gave him a kiss. Ken was surprised…but even more surprised that he not only appreciated its warmth…

…

He was returning the kiss.

And then she put her head to his chest and said, "Please come home with me…"

"I'm not sure I…"

She put a finger to his lips and smiled. "Don't go there. True, you're a work-in-progress, and I meant that in a good way, after your recent prank and collapse back into the bottle…but I want to help put the pieces of you back together. Can I do that?"

He looked at her and said, "Yes…please…"

She kissed him again and then they walked to her car, hand in hand and her head on his shoulder.

…

For many days after…there appeared to be an odd warmth that emanated from Toko's headstone…

One person who had been visiting a nearby grave two days later described the warmth as…

…

A feeling of happiness and love.