.
.
The first time telephones were introduced, Bishamon had been delighted - the idea that one's voice could carry across the country and be heard on the other end was nothing short of miraculous, and even the gods in Takamagahara didn't have such a marvelous invention.
When they made the switch to portable phones, Bishamon was still delighted. The power of technology, which could fit neatly into her purse! Human wonders never ceased to amaze her.
"What is this?" Bishamon said, and she plucked Kazuma's smartphone from his pocket.
"Oh, that? That is an iPhone," Kazuma said. Bishamon frowned.
"I...phone?"
"That's the name of the brand," Kazuma said. "It's just a normal telephone."
"This doesn't look like a telephone," Bishamon said. Indeed, Bishamon was only acquainted with the flip-phone varieties. "What's this?" Bishamon said.
"That's the text screen," Kazuma said.
"'Text'?"
"So you can send a type-written message to someone instead of calling them."
"...is that like electronic mail?" Bishamon said. Kazuma had just taught her about e-mail a few weeks earlier.
"Similar, but you get the messages in real-time," Kazuma said. Bishamon frowned.
"Will you text me?" Bishamon said. Kazuma laughed.
"Veena. You're standing right next to me."
"I know that! But I want to see what all the fuss is about." She turned his phone over in her hands. "Can you send 'text messages' to my telephone?"
"Of course."
xXx
.
Kazuma was walking in the Near Shore when he got his very first text message from Veena.
[THIS IS BISHAMONTEN]
Kazuma smiled and texted back.
[Hello Veena! I see you've figured out how to send texts :)]
BISHAMON: [YES! They are very useful to send!]
"Yo Kazuma, whatcha doin'?" Yato said. He stood behind Kazuma, peeking over his shoulder.
"Oh, I'm sending a text to Veena," Kazuma said. His thumbs tapped on the screen.
"Huh? That pervy woman knows how to send texts?" Yato grabbed his phone.
"Yato!"
"'What...are...you...wearing?'" Yato said, texting.
"Dammit, Yato! Give me back my phone!"
His phone buzzed.
BISHAMON: [I'm not wearing anything ;)]
"THAT PERVY NYMPHO'S ALREADY NAKED?!" Yato said. Kazuma sighed.
"She's probably in the grotto. Give me back my phone, she shouldn't be texting there."
"Oi, Kazuma! Are you dumb? She sent you a winky face!"
"Yato give it back!" Kazuma dove toward Yato's hand, but Yato dodged, texting on his phone.
xXx
.
Bishamon wasn't in the grotto. She was actually sitting next to Kofuku, who was in the middle of an augury when she got the text message from Kazuma:
[What are you wearing?]
Wearing? Bishamon frowned at her phone. Why would he need to know what I'm wearing?
"Ooh, Bisha, what's this?" Kofuku peered over her shoulder.
"Oh, nothing. Kazuma just sent me a very odd text." Bishamon frowned. "He's asking me what I'm wearing, but he just saw me a few hours ago."
"Maybe he's flirting~!" Kofuku said, and she plucked the phone from Bishamon's hands.
"Kofuku-dono?"
"I'm...not...wearing...anything," Kofuku said, texting.
Bishamon frowned. "Why are you writing that? I'm wearing our standard uniform."
"Nononono, Bisha, Bisha! Kazu-chan is flirting with you, you need to flirt back! You don't wanna hurt his feelings, right?"
Bishamon's phone buzzed. They peered at her phone.
KAZUMA: [Send me a picture.]
"Let...me...see...you...naked," Yato said, texting.
"YATO, NO!" Kazuma said.
"Oooh yeah, you're right! You wouldn't say it like that!" Yato said.
"You...want...to...see...my...boobs?" Kofuku said, texting.
"He already knows what they look like," Bishamon said, frowning. She tapped the screen. "Also use the word 'breasts.' Boobs make me think of flightless animals."
KAZUMA: [Send me a picture.]
BISHAMON: [What do you want to see? ;)]
KAZUMA: [You know ;)]
BISHAMON: [You want to see my boobs? ;)]
BISHAMON: [*breasts]
BISHAMON: [Boobs are flightless animals]
"'Boobs are flightless animals.' Ha ha! Holy crap, Kazuma! You better gimme five yen after she texts you that picture!"
"DAMMIT, YATO! GIVE ME BACK MY PHONE!" Kazuma said.
"I wonder why he's not texting back?" Bishamon said, looking at the screen.
"Betcha Kazu-chan's waiting for a picture~~" Kofuku said.
"A picture of my breasts?" Bishamon said.
"Yesssss, Bisha~. Of course of your breasts! Your perky, perfect, pretty breastssss~. Lift up your shirt, I'll take a picture!"
"KOFUKU!" Daikoku pushed open the rice paper door. "The hell are you doin', corruptin' Lady Bishamon?!"
"Fiiine. I'll do it," Kofuku said, and she lifted up her shirt.
"STOP HITTING ME, KAZUMA! THAT PERVY CHICK SENT YOU A PICTURE! LOOK!" Yato said, and they looked at the screen. It was a picture of a woman's abdomen, with pale creamy skin with her belly button at the center.
Kazuma frowned. "That's not Veena," Kazuma said.
"Wait, what?" Yato took the phone back from him.
"That's not Veena. Her umbilicus doesn't look like that."
"Her what now?"
"Her belly button."
Yato frowned.
"Yo, Kazuma. I know you guys are intimate or whatever, but that's kind of creepy specific," Yato said. The phone buzzed.
BISHAMON: [Now send me something ;)]
"I don't think that's Veena texting," Kazuma said.
"Kazuma, who cares! Take off your shirt!"
"I'm not going to take off my shirt, just let me call Veena and see who has her phone."
"Fine, if you're not gonna do it, I'm gonna do it," Yato said, and he lifted up his shirt.
"...The fuck?" Daikoku said. He squinted at the screen.
"Daikoku~! Did he send it? Did he send the picture?"
"Uh, yeah," Daikoku rubbed his neck. He handed the phone back to Bishamon. "I'm gonna go in the backyard and pretend I didn't see that."
Bishamon looked down at the screen. "That's not Kazuma," Bishamon said.
"It's not?"
"Kazuma has a scar from where I cut him."
"Wooow, Bisha~" Kofuku said. "You really know Kazu-chan's body, huh?" Bishamon dialed Kazuma's number and lifted her phone.
"Crap, your phone's ringing!" Yato said, and he tossed the phone at Kazuma.
"H-hello?"
"Kazuma." Veena on the other line. "What's going on? Whose chest is that?"
"Er," Kazuma glanced at Yato. "How did you know it wasn't my chest?"
"Because you have a scar on yours and you're not as muscular."
"...Oh."
Yato snickered. Kazuma shot him a glare.
"That's besides the point, Veena, whose stomach was that?" Kazuma said.
"Oh, that? That was Kofuku-dono. I would have sent you a picture of myself but her shinki prevented me from doing so."
Kazuma closed his eyes. If Veena really did send him a picture of her breasts, heaven knows Kazuma probably would have beat Yato with his phone.
"Well it's a good thing you didn't, Veena, because Yato had my phone. He was the one who was texting you," Kazuma said. He could hear sputtering on the other line.
"THAT IDIOT MAGATSUKAMI WAS FLIRTING WITH ME?!"
"Well technically it sounds like he was flirting with Lady Kofuku."
xXx
.
"So that idiot Magatsukami was the one answering Kofuku-dono's texts?" Bishamon sighed. "That makes sense. I thought it odd you would be asking what I'm wearing."
"Why would I ask you that when I just saw you a few hours earlier?" Kazuma said. "And secondly, Veena, I would never have you send me compromising pictures of yourself. They could end up in the wrong hands or be distributed somewhere outside your purview."
"Hm, you know, that's too bad," Bishamon said. "I actually went to the bathroom and took some snapshots of myself. They're pretty good pictures, too." She opened her phone to show him.
"I'm going to delete these," Kazuma said, and he started tapping on the screen.
"Really? I thought you'd like them."
"Er, I do," Kazuma said, and he blushed. "But I'm happier seeing them in person."
And Bishamon smiled and patted his hand.