I NEED SOME EXTRA MONEY TO ATTEND THE GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS WITH MY WIFE AND CHILDREN THIS YEAR. PLEASE SUPPORT ME WITH DONATIONS SO THAT I CAN ACHIEVE THIS GOAL. THANK YOU FOR READING.
"Method Man, pardner! Do ya have any idea what the hell yer about to do? Those damned creatures cain't be trusted, you'll be destroyed in the process!" Ol' Dirty Bastard desperately pleaded. He charged across the battlefield to reach his inconsolable comrade's side. However, his impassioned plea fell upon deaf ears. Method Man slit a deep gash in his wrist with his serrated dagger, spilling his fresh blood upon the soil.
He used his lifeblood to paint a 'M' shaped crest upon the parched land beneath. He wiped the tears from his eyes and looked down, still cradling the battered corpse of his young daughter, Method Woman, in his shaky grasp.
The rune carved into the earth began to glow red as the rulers of the netherworld accepted his sacrifice of blood. Method Man managed a mirthless smile, "I'm sorry, my friend. I could never live with myself knowing that I was partly responsible for my daughter's death. She insisted on following me into battle, and I was foolish enough to let her out of my sight. It's all my fault that the Juggalos killed her. If I'm dragged down to hell in return, so be it. As long as she survives…"
ODB shuddered with an indescribable feeling of primal terror as the sun eclipsed the moon, bathing the land in an unholy corpselight."T-Tha McDemons have arrived!"
"Ah, I see. So you are the one who's been resonating with the brand of the McDemons' chosen!" Adam Sandler observed. He paced around the interrogation chamber, staring intently at Method Woman.
Sandler shredded her shirt with his linoleum knife to take a closer look at the pulsating brand burnt into her sternum. He cracked a smug grin, "It appears that we're more similar than we even realized. I take it the McDemons brought you back to life too, right? We both have gained godlike foresight and telekinetic abilities at the price of our sanity. Well, calling us mad wouldn't be fair. We have a far greater understanding of this mortal world than anyone else could ever dream of. In a way, you could say that we're kindred spirits."
Method Woman wrinkled up her nose in disgust as he leaned closer, running his gangrenous tongue across her cheek. Sonic began to furiously shuffle around in the chains that bound him as his impotent fuckrage reached its peak. He growled, "Let go of her, you sick Commie FUCK!"
Colonel Sanders struck Sonic across the face with his legendary pimp hand. He knelt down and whispered into the hedgehog's ear, "Don't struggle, boy! You may be able to live if you play your cards right, but you absolutely can't make him mad. I'm trying to save you, ya damn idjit!"
Adam Sandler chuckled, amused by his ineffectual show of force, "Truly, even now I still can't help but feel impressed by your unadulterated niggerfury! Perhaps you were chosen by fate just as I was. As a parting gift, I'll go ahead and tell you exactly what we're planning. Even if you were free, it's not like you could stop the will of McDemons. Not even I can prevent what's about to happen. This was all preordained long ago."
Sonic turned away from his impossibly smug, self-satisfied gaze. He contorted his lips into a snarl, "What's your deal? You're just a damn pawn of Karl Marx, but yet you act like you've been plotting this for hundreds of years. Drop the cracker tricknology already, you fuckin' stank poon!"
Hank Hill let out an exasperated sigh, "That's exactly how it was, boy. Before the Ameripocalypse, before the wars… he's been planning this since day one, right under everyone's noses, including his own father. You may not have known it, but he's always been there, pulling the strings behind every force in the patriotverse to further his twisted goals. We're just the pieces on his chess board in a game that's been going on for countless generations."
Adam Sandler cracked a smug grin. He bowed his head to acknowledge what he had said, "Everything has been meticulously planned so that we would come to this conclusion. By manipulating the minds of the weak with my power, anything is possible. I forced Garfield to send me to Hell knowing that is where I would meet Barack Obama. I made the armies of the Americaverse join together to wipe out the Communist homeworld so I could usurp my father's throne. I forced Adolf Hitler to leave Wolfsschanze's destruction for last, knowing that he and Communism itself would be dealt with in one, fell swoop. Lastly, I tipped Donald Trump off to the location of the Biker Brethren, having learned with my foresight that Barkley's death would lead you here to become my future pawn. I was always there, Sonic."
Caillou glumly nodded his head, verifying his master's words. He sighed, "We've all been held hostage for centuries. Deep down, Sandler knew that the American race made up the strongest warrior class in the galaxy. That's why he turned us into his damn slaves. He keeps our loved ones imprisoned, threatening them if we don't do exactly as he says. He's even got my kid sister, Rosie. And very soon, our true purpose is about to be fulfilled."
Sonic and the Wu-Tang Clan were rendered speechless with horror as they hearkened upon his hoarse words. The hedgehog grinded his teeth together, fuckfurious beyond words, "You're more clever than you look, Sandler. So Communism is finally dead, eh? But how does slaughtering your own race help you? Would you really sink that low to further your goddamn plans?"
The son of Karl Marx tilted his head and laughed at the hedgehog's hopeless situation, "They're a small, yet necessary sacrifice. Soon, their deaths will have meaning. In exactly ten hours, I plan to release the McDemons and their servants from their millennia-long imprisonment in Hell. As has been planned for countless generations, their powers shall merge with mine and grant me the abilities of a physical GOD! With this unutterably limitless strength, I shall destroy the Americaverse and build a Communist utopia from its ashes. A place where no Marxist shall ever feel pain at the hands of an American again!"
RZA spat out his joint out in disgust, "You're sick!"
Ghostface Killah's eyes widened with shock as he came to truly understand the words of his captor. He gritted his teeth, "The McDemons are some of the oldest and darkest spirits in the history of the Americaverse. George Washington bound them in that pit with a seal that even the strongest of chaos-magick wielding negromancers could never break! To release them from their imprisonment would take a massive blood sacrifice. Thousands, no… millions would need to be killed and offered in exchange! You could never amass that many dead in one place, it's impossible!"
"...That's why I allowed Wolfsschanze to be destroyed. With the formation of the Americans' new government, billions of different people from all the races of the Americaverse have flocked together in one, convenient place. Are you beginning to see why I have been amassing this army?" Adam Sandler maundered in a low voice. He drew back his index finger, flicking Ghostface on his forehead.
Sonic retched as all of the pieces of the puzzle began to come together in his genocide-clouded mind. He trembled with a mixture of both fear and rage, "...A bloodbath. He's planning to kill the Biker Brethren and wipe out almost every American in existence just to further his goals!"
"Pretty soon, there's going to be a bloodbath that will forever change the Americaverse as we know it. Heed my warning: flee from the Alliance and never return!" Sonic trembled with anger as he recalled Richard Simmon's final, noble words. Only now, when he was far too late to stop this grim fate, did Sonic truly come to realize the meaning behind his cryptic warning.
"And it's all thanks to your old friend, Richard Nixon. In his future, I was slain in battle by Adolf Hitler before my dream for all Communists could be fulfilled. We used him as a pawn to ensure that our outcome would differ from the one in his timeline, fooling him into believing that we were on his side. Nixon is the only one here who still genuinely believes that we're trying to save America. It was the only way for us to get the info we needed out of him. This was all made possible by his foolish actions! By coming back in time, he actually doomed this country to destruction!" Adam Sandler roared with thunderous laughter. His enslaved followers soon followed, all mustering forced, clearly false laughter in order to appease him.
Colonel Sanders remained behind after Adam Sandler and the members of the alliance had left the chamber. "You know, I did try to warn you, ya idjit. You're just as hard-headed as you were when I first trained you, boy. I put you and your comrades through that hellish training in an attempt to try and scare you off. When that didn't work, I introduced you to the members of the group to secretly tip you off to their weaknesses. Well, I suppose it was a long shot, anyway," The Kentucky Colonel sighed. He removed the pipe from his lips, blowing a massive smoke ring into his former apprentice's face.
"I've gotta ask you something, sensei," The hedgehog asked, buying time as he desperately tried to come up with a plan of escape. "Who is that damn Commie holding hostage to keep you in line? Why are you still working for him?"
Colonel Sanders frowned, "You. He brought you here to try and control me after my damn foolishness got my previous hostage killed. However, not all of us are here by force. Some of them serve him by their own will; his personal elite. Their names are Ignignokt, Err, Kneesocks, and the Burger King. When you make your escape, watch out for them."
"You're going to have to hurry, boy. You'll be several hours behind them even at top speed. No matter what, make sure this massacre doesn't come to pass!" The Kentucky Colonel ordered. He whistled nonchalantly as he swung the Chicken-Sword, slicing the chains that restrained Sonic and his pious kinsmen.
"S-Sensei, you—!" Sonic watched in horror as Sanders suddenly used his own sword to impale himself directly through the stomach.
The Kentucky Colonel wiped away the blood trickling down his chin and smiled warmly, "If that Commie bastard sees my dead body like this, he'll believe that you were forced to kill me during your escape. If I had let you escape freely, he would have murdered everyone else's hostages just to set an example. This is the only way to protect the people I care about. Now, get the hell outta here while you still can!"
Sonic choked back tears as he cradled his broken master in his arms. "I'm proud of you, Sonic. You were the best student I could have ever asked for. Now, get the hell out there and save our country, ya idjit! Become what you were truly born to be: the defender of America!" Colonel Sanders spoke his final goodbyes. His body then fell limp in Sonic's arms, dead.
The hedgehog tore his jeans asunder and fired his weaponized gun-dick at the floor. He lifted up the debris with his calloused hands, using them to bury Colonel Sanders to ease his journey into the blessed White House.
"Come on, everyone," Sonic said as he broke into a dash, breaking down dozens of reinforced steel doors with his cock before leaping atop his Harley Davidson™ motorcycle. He raised his electric guitar to the sky and throatily roared like a mighty bald eagle, "Let's rock the fuck out!"
"...Remember this, child of the Wu-Tang tribe: when the prophesied son rises, the end of days and the new dawn of the cycle of time shall be ushered in by two who bear the brand of the McDemons, bringing about the rebirth of the corporeal world as we know it. Do you still wish to offer your life to save this child?" The envoy of McTartarus, Mayor McCheese, questioned Method Man.
He removed the cap from his head and smiled, looking down at the cold, unmoving body of his daughter. "I'll do whatever it takes and pay any price. Please, just bring her back to me!" He begged.
"Meth…" Ol' Dirty Bastard spoke with an unexpectedly grave tone. "Do ya still want to go through with this? From what we've seen, you 'n Sandler are tha only ones who have that brand. If worse comes ta worse, it's possible that you could be the one of the two who causes the Ameripocalypse. Ya said it yourself, even yer future sight ain't gon' predict how this day will end. It ain't too late to turn back!" He warned.
Method Woman dropped his tremulous gaze. She turned, watching as Sonic drove off and into the infinite majesty of the cosmos, "I'd follow that man anywhere, Mr. Bastard. He has a destiny far greater than all of us combined. For his sake, I'd gladly risk my life thousands of times over. I'd even follow him into the depths of Hell. If he is to die this night as I predicted, I will gladly stand by his side during his final battle, no matter the cost!"