Word count: 1,042

Summary: She's alone now.

I never thought I would have to do this alone, you know.

Not with the children — your children, our children — certainly, but not for any of this either. I had given a lot of thought to coming back when I was gone, but not once did I even consider I would be alone. Sometimes you weren't by my side the way I would have wanted you to be, I will confess, calling me your friend, or the memory of another woman holding you back, but you were always there. Always.

I know you didn't want to go. I know you cried at the end. When you understood, when the blood was leaving your body, when I held you and I screamed and we both knew there was nothing we could do. I'm not sure the others noticed; I know you would hate it if they did. I felt you lingering behind too, felt you holding on to your body so you could stay for just a few minutes more, almost heard you call my name, begging for something for the first time in your life I think. Felt your hands on my skin, in my hair. Felt your lips on mine. One last time.

Then you were gone.

I wonder where you went. Where you are now. Perhaps in another life already. Perhaps our souls are meeting yet again, and perhaps this time, they will find happiness together, but the truth is I can find no satisfaction in this idea.

I wanted to be with you.

If a different version of me gets to be with a different version of you, I'm happy for them, the way I'm happy for any couple. But I wanted to be with you.

You know, for the first few hours, I thought Sesshomaru could, would save you. That he would bring you back. I spent so much time looking at the sky, waiting for him to arrive. When the day rose, I had lost all hope. He came way too late, almost exactly a month after—

He didn't say anything. Not that there was anything for him to say, but I would have hoped, would have expected something. It didn't have to be tears, it didn't have to be much, but I needed him to say something.

I don't think I'll ever forgive him. And maybe it's wrong of me, and maybe I should let go and leave it all in the past, but this is about you, and he could have done something, and he did nothing, and I don't care if he didn't know I don't care where he was when it happened I only care that you're gone.

Maybe it's the feeling of betrayal that makes it unbearable. I doubt you expected anything from him, but you did always say that I only saw the good in people. Maybe you were right, but without you in it the world doesn't feel anywhere near as bright.

It gets a little colder here every day too, without your warmth, without your arms to hold me at night.

It's not always easy, with the children. I know you didn't want them to grow up without a demonic parent the way you did. I know it must have hurt to leave them behind. They're young, but I know they understand much more than people expect them to. There are nights when I can't get them to stop crying, and I just know it's you that they want. It's you that they need, but whatever I do, I know I can't, won't bring you back.

It's not about their demonic parent, it's not about their father. It's about you. They will grow up without you. They won't know you sing if I insist long enough, they won't know you're a kind man underneath it all, they won't know your laugh and how beautiful and how rare it is. They won't get to know you, and that's what I regret most.

They will know you loved them though. They will know we loved each other, and they will know I loved you.

I miss you. There are nights when I'm the one who can't stop crying. It feels like it will never stop hurting — and you know, maybe it won't. Maybe time will dim the pain but it will never go away. I'm not sure I want it to. It hurts because of what we had, and I don't want it to disappear. It would be like saying you never existed. Saying there was nothing between us. I can't do that. I don't want you to be gone completely. I can't let you be gone completely.

Part of me hopes one day, there will only be happiness, when it comes to you. I will remember the good times, the feelings. How beautiful we were, how you kissed me when I came back, how you looked at me when we got married. That only those perfect moments of happiness will remain. It would be fair in a way — how horrible is that now I can only feel pain when I think of you?

But for now I can't. Because you're gone and there's nothing that trumps that pain. For now, I can't say goodbye.

After your death, for the first time, I understood the true power of temptation the Jewel could have on people. It does not come from fear, it does not come from sadness, it does not come from greed.

It comes from love, because it's not just that I want the pain to stop. I want you back.

I'm sorry there was nothing I could do. I'm sorry you didn't get the life you wanted. I'm sorry we didn't get more time.

I hope what we had was enough. I hope it was worth it for you.

I hope you know it was for me. I hope you know there is nothing I would have done differently. I hope you know how often I dream of the moment before jumping down the well for the last time, fully aware that it will close behind me, fully aware of what's ahead, the good and the bad, and I hope you know that I always, always take the jump.

I'm not crying you're crying.