Author's Note: Hello all! Here we go again, as always just Amber here, though I wish that I could stake claim on the beauty that is Twilight and its characters, especially Jasper, mmm. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, a little bit of drama, some humor, craziness all around. So buckle up kids, and enjoy Chapter35! As Always read/enjoy/review!
Chapter 35: Forgive Me My Weakness
" Love works in miracles every day: such as weakening the strong, and stretching the weak; making fools of the wise, and wise men of fools; favoring the passions, destroying reason, and in a word, turning everything topsy-turvy,"- Marguerite De Valois
One hundred and one. That is the exact number of distinct patterns that I can find on my ceiling. I know I should be sleeping. I cant. I know that in exactly four hours I have first of many mid-terms before winter break starts, but its hard to sleep when you have not only your nightmares, but a friends nightmares chasing you. I roll over and stare through the darkness of the room to Alice. I hear her whimper and know that she is having as restless of a sleep that I was before I woke.
" Alice," I whisper, and wait to hear her response.
" Sorry," comes her tiny voice. I grimace to myself. She apologizes too much these days. I crawl out of bed and shuffle to hers.
" Scoot over," I say, and I listen as her sheets rustle. I lay next to her, contemplating what to say.
" Thank you," Alice says suddenly.
" For what?" I ask, toying with my fingers.
" Everything. You don't coddle me. You just comfort. I don't know, maybe it sounds dumb, but I feel closer to you than anyone else right now, and I just want to say thanks," she says, her voice small.
" You don't have to thank me," I say, rolling over to look at her.
" Can I ask you a question?" she asks, and in reply I click on her bedside lamp, sitting up to look at her.
" Of course you can," I say, laying my head on my knee's looking at her.
" Do you think I will ever be okay again?" she asks, her swollen and hollow eyes filling with fresh tears. I sit in silence for a minute, contemplating how to answer her question. Who am I, after all, to answer such a thing?
" I think you will be okay one day, yeah. Do I think you will ever forget, no. What you went through Alice, no one should ever have to go through. I don't know what I would do if," I stop myself at the thought of anyone I love so much being hurt. " All I know is that sometimes things happen and it doesn't make sense. When something like this happens, it never makes any sense, no amount of words, or people telling you it will get easier, will ever make it okay," I say, tears thickening my throat.
" I just don't know Ana, its like there have been times in the last week when I have wanted to smile, or laugh, and I stop because I think of him, and I think, I cant laugh or be happy because Mike is gone," she says covering her face with her hands crying silently.
" Listen to me. Alice, listen," I say pulling her hands down to look at me. " It is all right for you to be happy, and it is all right for you too smile. Do you think that wherever Mike is that he is looking at you hoping that you cry for him for the rest of your life? Hell no! He fell in love with the hyper, crazy, random, and over the top Alice that we all love," I say sternly.
" I know, I know. In my head I know that, but my heart," she says laying her hand over her heart.
" Yeah, the heart can always undermine what your head tells you, believe me I know," I say, hugging her tightly.
I walk into the house dragging my feet. 'Stupid midterms, stupid school, stupid everything,' I think to myself as I drop onto the couch. I don't even want to get up, but I know that I need to get studying for tomorrow, another long day of midterms. I shudder to think of what the rest of the week is going to be like. I pick up my bag and start heading upstairs humming to myself, when I notice the bathroom door is open slightly and the light is on. 'I wonder who left the light on,' I think pushing the door open. My heart freezes mid beat when I see what is before me. Alice and Jasper both clad in towels wrapped around each other. That wasn't the worst part of what I am seeing, no the worst part is the way Jasper is kissing her. I know that kiss. I have felt it, held it inside of me for months, as if it were the only thing that has kept me sane. You would think, with all of the other heartbreaking moments I have been through due to one Jasper Hale that I would be prepared, but this, this was the ultimate betrayal. Not only was it the man that I love, but it was also someone that I have come to love like a sister that have expertly ripped my heart from my chest. I back away slowly not realizing that my breath has become heavy almost ripping from my chest, until Jasper looks up at me over Alice's slim shoulder.
" Ana," Jasper says, and Alice looks over her shoulder a look of concern and guilt. I back away slowly, almost stumbling as I hit the stairs. I drop to the bottom stair fumbling through my bag for my car keys, remembering that I am still using Jasper's. I drop the keys back in my bag and decide to walk. I walk out of the front door, with Jasper's voice calling after.
Jasper's POV
Life has a funny way of working. For months before Ana, I prayed for some sort of miracle to make Alice come back. Any thing would do. Whatever means. I never imagined that she would come back, and definitely not because Mike died. I run my hands through my hair as I step out of the shower. I was in one hell of a situation. Here I am living under the same roof as my ex, and the girl that I am now head over heels in love with. I ruined that though, because I couldn't get over my pride, no I couldn't get over my fears. I wipe a hand over the steam filled mirror and look at myself. 'What the hell is your problem?' I ask myself shaking my head. I look around for the q-tips and realize I'm fresh out. Oh well, I can steal a few from Ana's bathroom, don't think she will notice they are gone. I walk from my room and notice that the door to the bathroom is closed, a small crying sound coming from the other side of the door. I don't bother with knocking, I just walk right in thinking that I am going to find Ana, but instead I find Alice, sitting on the bathroom floor, hugging a shirt tightly to her chest. She looks up at me with red rimmed eyes, and my heart breaks. I long to comfort her, but not in the way you may be thinking. I long to comfort her because I can feel her turmoil, her heartache, her guilt.
" Sorry," I whisper, and she just shakes her head.
" Please, stay," Alice whispers and I fight an internal war. I shut the door partly behind me and come to sit next to her. Its silent for a while, just her steady crying echoing off of the walls.
" I can take this away Alice, even if for a little bit," I say, and she looks at me with the eyes that I used to get lost in.
" I don't deserve to have it taken away. Its all my fault Jasper. I could have seen it, I could have stopped it from happening, but I had to be dumb. I had to make that stupid rule, this is all of my fault. It's my fault he is dead, and its my fault that his mother had to bury her son," she says, breaking down into uncontrollable sobs. I grab her into a hug quickly, pulling her into my lap. I push whatever comfort I can summon into her, and her crying slows.
" I never want to hear you say that again, this wasn't your fault," I say, pressing my lips to her hair. " What happened was an accident, and just because you have the ability to see the things that are going to happen, doesn't always mean you can stop everything that is going to happen from happening." She sniffles into my shoulder and I tighten my hold on her. I know that I cannot offer her much more than a few minutes of peace, but I will give what I can. I don't know how much time passes until Alice pulls out of my arms and gets to her feet.
" Thanks," she says, a small smile on her lips, and an echo of the old Alice makes itself known.
" Anytime, and I mean it," I say, hugging her. She circles her arms around my neck and I smile knowing that she has hit a turning point, and Alice is a fighter, so it wont be long before she is back to herself.
" I mean it Jasper, thank you," she says pulling back slightly to look up at me. I don't even realize what is happening until her lips are pressed to mine. I freeze immediately before sinking in. A voice in my head screaming finally, while my heart wars against me, and only one word comes to mind. Ana. I pull away and open my eyes slowly looking over Alice's shoulder into the shocked and hurt eyes of Ana.
" Ana," I say, releasing my hold on Alice, stepping back. I look down quickly at Alice and her eyes are round with guilt as she looks over her shoulder. I want to go to her as she backs away slowly and I make my way to the door just in time to see her stumbling down the stairs and through the front door all the time I call after her and she runs away, cant say that I blame her.
" Jasper please talk to me," Alice says, her voice small from my bedroom door.
" What is there to say? What little chance that I had with Ana, is gone now. What was that about anyways?" I ask sitting up on my bed to look at her. Alice wrings her hands nervously as she walks into my room. She paces back and forth in front of me.
" I don't know. I guess I just wanted to see if I could feel anything but pain," she says, " I know I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry. I didn't feel anything, just to clear that up, it was almost like kissing my brother."
" Oh yeah that makes it all better. Doesn't matter now, because there is no way that I am going to be able to make this one right," I say flinging myself back onto my bed.
" Sure you can. I've seen it, you and Ana are meant to be together. It will work out somehow," she says, sitting next to me.
" I sincerely hope your right," I say, covering my eyes with my arm.
Ana's POV
I walk back to the house and sigh when I realize that Jade still isn't home. Not that it matters, she warned me that he would hurt me again. God I hate it when she is right. I open the front door and see that the coast is clear as I push the door open. I climb the stairs silently and push open the door to my room. No sign of Alice. Wonder where she is, on second thought I don't. Bad enough to see her and Jasper kissing, even worse thinking of what else they are probably doing together. I change into something dry and warm and start dragging a towel over my wet hair when I hear the bedroom door open. I look over to see Alice standing just inside of the door and I turn back around quickly. Funny thing is, I'm not angry with her. Just hurt. She broke up with him after all, she said she saw him with me, saw that they weren't meant to be together. Yet she is pushing her way right back into his life, and what's worse, right back into his heart.
" Hey," Alice says, walking into the room closing the door behind her. I stay silent as I pull my hair back into a pony tail. " Listen, Ana, I don't blame you if you hate me, but please, just let me explain." I turn around and look at her.
" I don't hate you Alice. I'm just, never mind. Congratulations. I hope you and Jasper are happier the second time around," I say, picking up the books that I need pushing past her. I jog down the stairs picking up my discarded back pack and head into the kitchen. Maybe if I drown myself in studying, I will forget that my heart is breaking. An hour into my self induced study slash pity party everyone is home. Jade and Edward sit across from me talking over their books and notes, while Emmett sings at the top of his lungs from the next room. My head is pounding and I am trying to keep a tight hold on my anger.
" Hello Ana, did you hear a word I just said?" Jade asks, and I look up at her.
" What? Sorry no I didn't," I say, sitting back to look at her.
" Geeze what's gotten into you?" she asks and I just shake my head. " Sorry just all of this studying has me distracted," I say and she believes me.
" Anyways, I was saying. Edward and I are going Christmas shopping this weekend after midterms are over. Want to come with?" she asks, and I smile at her slightly.
" Yeah sure," I say, turning back to my books. The voices keep growing. Around me, and in my own head. Though the latter of the two is so much louder. 'You know they are probably sleeping together? You meant nothing to him, and you gave yourself to him, just like a slut,' I slam my book shut causing Jade to jump.
" WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP?" I yell and everyone looks at me shocked. I grab my books and my bag from the table pushing away before anyone has the time to react. I race up to my room and burst through the door catching an unsuspecting Alice off guard.
" Jesus you scared me. Ana," Alice starts saying.
" Get out," I hiss through my teeth.
" Ana please, just let me," she starts saying and I point to the door.
" Get the hell out Alice, NOW," I growl out and she looks at me. For a moment I think she is going to leave peacefully, but then a familiar spark glints her eyes.
" No, this is my room too," she says, standing up from her bed.
" Ask me how much I care right now. Just get the hell out," I say, throwing my stuff to the floor. My whole body shakes with anger, and I have to hold myself back from hitting her.
" What the hell is going on?" Edward asks and I turn to see everyone standing just outside of the room.
" Why don't you tell them Alice? Tell them what's going on? Tell them all about how you have cried and I have been there, holding your hand, telling you I will help you through all of this. And tell them how you betrayed me," I say, tears of anger and disgust building up inside of me.
" What is she talking about Alice?" Emmett asks, and Alice stares at everyone.
" Ana saw me kissing Jasper earlier today," she whispers out and I can hear the groans and gasps behind me.
" Alice what were you thinking?" Rosalie asks.
" I was thinking that I wanted to feel anything, anything other than the pain and guilt that I have been feeling for so long now," she says, " I know it was dumb, and it shouldn't have happened. And I'm sorry Ana, so very sorry."
" Whatever. Look I know that you have been through hell, and I know that its hard on you every single day. You have to remember you weren't the only one who saw what you saw, I was there too. I wake up with nightmares and I wake up feeling scared and hollow, and you took away the one thing, the one person that could make it all okay again," I say, tears falling down my face.
" I didn't mean to. Damn it Ana, it was a stupid mistake, that I would take back if I could, but I cant," she says wrapping her arms around herself.
" You know what I don't care. Its like I said earlier congratulations, hopefully you guys can make it work the second time around. I am done trying with him," I say, pushing past everyone.
I get half way down the stairs before the tears take over. Someone grabs me, arms wrapped tightly and I look up to see Jade. She leads me to her and Edwards room and as soon as the door is closed I collapse to the floor crying.
" Ana, honey," Jade coos and I rock back and forth arms wrapped tightly around myself as if that will stop me from breaking apart.
" You were right. I was so stupid. I gave him everything I had, including my virginity. And for what Jade? For what?" I ask screaming through the pain of my own words. She doesn't say anything she just holds me, letting me ride out the torrent of pain. The time passes and finally I am all cried out. I sit up looking through puffy eyes at Jade.
" You can say you told me so now," I say, pulling my knees to my chest.
" I could, but then that would make me a bigger bitch than I really am. You love him Ana, I know it, hell everyone knows it. Look, I don't think Alice meant anything by it, I think she just feels so lost, and confused," she says, and I nod.
" I know. I'm not mad at her, I understand. Its Jasper. What's his excuse?" I ask, looking at her seriously.
" I don't know," she says simply.
" Well, I have an apology to make," I say getting to my feet.
" Want me to come?" she asks.
" No this is better off done alone," I say. I get to the door and stop to look at Jade. " Thanks."
" For what?" she asks perplexed.
" Everything."
I walk up the stairs slowly and open my bedroom door. Alice sits on her bed, facing the window clutching her pillow. I shut the door quietly behind me, leaning against it.
" Hey," I say, and she turn her head slowly to look at me.
" Hey," Alice echoes back. I walk towards her bed slowly, sitting on the edge.
" Look, I'm sorry. I know that your dealing with a lot and I shouldn't have gone off on you the way that I did. Its just, I have been trying to keep this brave face up, for everyone, especially you, and I just sort of snapped," I say, playing with my ring.
" I know. You're the strongest person that I know Ana. I somehow forgot that you saw it too, that your just as haunted by this as I am. I need you to know something Ana. I kissed Jasper. He didn't start it I did. He found me in the bathroom, clutching one of Mike's shirts, and he was just being a good friend," she says, and I close my eyes and take a steadying breath. That was something at least, but not much.
" But he kissed you back Alice, and it may not seem like a big deal to you, or to anyone else, but it means a lot to me," I say, laying back against the bed.
" Ana, Jasper is stupidly in love with you," Alice says, and I look at her.
" Did you know that I asked him to make a choice in California? When he came to see me," I say, and she shakes her head. " He said no."
" What an idiot," she says laying back next to me.
" So did you feel anything?" I ask, and Alice looks at me confused for a moment before a knowing light comes in her eyes.
" Yeah. Weird. It was kind of like kissing my brother," she says, and I burst out in unexpected laughter and Alice laughs also, and we laugh until we cant breath, and for the first time in days, everything feels like it will be okay again.