First off, the Disclaimer:
Me: Hinata-chan, do you mind saying the disclaimer?
Naruto: What the hell? Only I can call her Hinata-chan! Rasengan!
Me: ...Ow...Can't feel...my whole body! Dude!
Hinata: L-Luigifreak doesn't own Naruto, but Naruto-kun sure owned Luigifreak!
Me and Naruto: True dat.
Be sure to read, review, and all that, I want to know how I'm doing :)...and I'm also working with a crappy keyboard, so there may be (many) spelling errors.
(These short stories have no relation to the main plot)
Tsunade: Hello, everyone, I am hosting a contest for the kunoichi in Konoha, and the winner gets 10 million ryo! This time, the theme is...Who has the largest breasts!...Jiraiya, stop drooling, you baka!
Orochimaru: What the hell, Tsunade?! This is a rip-off, you'll win no matter what! How about a 'Biggest penis' contest?
Sai: Hell yeah! Penis!
Tsunade: No, because you'll stare at all the little boys and you'd lose anyway.
Orochimaru: Psh, whatever. Last place is...Haruno Sakura! And Fourth place is Choji!
Choji: Sweet, I beat a girl! Man boob power!!...
-Chirping Crickets-...
Sakura: I know this is another deliberate plot to make me look bad!
Orochimaru: ...Then maybe you should've signed up for the Largest Forehead contest instead! Tied for third is...Tenten and Ino!
Ino: Bullshit, mine are SO bigger than hers! Right, Sasuke-kun? Right? Right?
Sasuke: ...
Orochimaru: And second place...is Hinata!...Who just fainted.
Neji: So THIS is how the Main House earns their money! You know what?! BRANCH POWER!! Sexy no Jutsu!
Orochimaru: Well, well, looks like we have a new second place...Neji!
Lee:...No. Just no.
Orochimaru: And first place is Tsunade!
Tsunade: GIVE ME THE MONEY!! Yay, time to gamble and lose all of my money!
And on that fateful day, Jiraiya died of nosebleeds. The End.
Chapter 33: Fighting the One You Love: Part 2
Last chapter, Naruto and Hinata tried fighting each other with only shadow clones, which didn't work in the long run. The Hobo invaded and got pulverized by Hinata, and he flew away 171 miles. Sasuke got sent to the asylum and the Akatsuki found the Hobo, who would be the next vessel and member.
Naruto stood there nervously, thinking, 'Pretend I have a green spandex suit and overgrown eyebrows...c'mon..."
Hinata also stood cautiously, thinking, 'I can hit him...Picture him as Rock Lee, not Naruto-kun!"
Naruto ran forward, thinking the same thoughts, and saying, "YOUTH!!", and Hinata also managed to stumble forward, saying, "You are within the range of my Divination, Rock Lee! Two Palms!"
As Hinata was delivering her blows, Rock Lee complained, "But I am Rock Lee! Not them! I will show Naruto-san who the real Rock Lee is! YOUTH!!" before he earned smacks to the head from Neji and Tenten.
Naruto stood in place, swatting away Hinata's moves, trying to visualize her as Neji. 'C'mon...brown hair...pretty ugly...kinda gay-looking...Got it!' Naruto thought, as he now ran back, then charged toward 'Neji' once more.
"Front Lotus!" Naruto yelled out, kicking 'Neji' in the air and grabbing 'him' around the midsection. As Naruto started to rotate, he thought, 'Why does Neji feel so warm? He feels like...Hinata-chan! Wait, my imagination went too far! I'm not gonna Lotus Hinata-chan, and if you think otherwise, don't Believe it!' and stopped rotating in panic, setting Hinata on the ground very quickly.
"Naruto-kun...I mean Naruto, w-what are you doing? I am N-Neji and you are destined to be a failu...below average! Yeah! Something like that!" Hinata said with a fake deep voice, trying to convince Naruto to start fighting her again. However, she didn't believe in the whole 'failure' idea.
"What the hell? I never say 'below average'!...Except for two seconds ago. I don't even know what's going on! Hinata-sama is me and Naruto is Lee? This is too hard..." Neji commented.
"That's what she said! Penis!" Sai yelled inappropriately.
Neji took out a refrigerator with frozen dead chickens in it and hit Sai in the head with one.
Sai moaned, "Oh, yeah! Hit me with your hard cock! This organism feels wonderful!" before Neji managed to run all the way to Alaska and throw up within two seconds. (A/N: sorry, i HAD to do that! lol...Credit goes to loki09.)
"Uh...Only I get to use sexual terms with Neji-kun," a disgruntled Tenten said, hitting Sai with another frozen chicken.
"Can we please just watch the battle?! You're all so troublesome! And Sai...Neji hit you with his hard cock, so I'm afraid I'll have to break up with you."
Neji came back as quickly and yelled, "It's a FROZEN CHICKEN, not a hard cock, you dimwits! You guys are trying to make me into a failure!"
Meanwhile, Naruto ran toward Hinata with a Rasengan, trying to scratch her with the edge, causing minimum damage. However, Hinata had other plans, poking Naruto in the wrist, effectively stopping his chakra flow and therefore, Rasengan. Naruto and Hinata both slid on the ground, tightening their muscles, and said, "Second Gate...Open! Third Gate...Open!"
"Wait, how did Naruto-san learn the Eight Gates?!" Lee asked, outraged.
Neji replied, "We Hyugas are good teachers...Except Hiashi, he's a ripoff!"
The yellow-haired boy with an orange jumpsuit and the lavender-eyed girl who faints 21 times a day charged at each other, unable to be seen by the audience. They both kicked each other up and simultaneously grabbed each other in what seemed like something between a grapple and a hug, and kicked each other down, screaming, "Reverse Lotus!"
The result? The clouds cleared, revealing that the two caught the other, cushioning both Naruto and Hinata from certain death...Or at least a major headache, one which a person could only obtain by listening to Lee and Gai's conversations for 10 hours.
-Flashback-
"I will do 500 sit-ups, then 1000 push-ups, then 2000 laps around Konoha!"
"That's my Lee, so filled with the springtime of YOUTH!"
"Yes, Gai-sensei! YOUTH!"
"YOUTH!"
"YOUTH!
"YOUTH!"
"YOUTH!"
"LEE!"
"GAI-SENSEI!"
"I LOVE YOU!" the both screamed in unison, revealing a bright sunset.
"I change my mind, this is worse than the Tsukyomi...I'll probably be stuck in an asylum soon," Sasuke said, having to endure this nonsense for 9 more hours.
-End Flashback-
Naruto stood up slowly, and with the attack, realized that hurting Hinata once is worse than being hit with 500 of Sakura's earth-crushing punches. He slowly raised his hand with a sad smile, looking at Hinata, then at Tsunade, and said, "I am sorry, but I must fore..."
"Naruto-kun, no!" Hinata quickly interjected, and ran up to Naruto, covering his mouth.
"fit." he finished with a muffled voice.
"And aren't I the one to be quitting early all the time...What the hell was-?!" Shikamaru started, being cut short with a booming sound.
A mocking voice came from the shadow, saying, "Well, lookie what we have here. Fucking Hinata-teme, with Naruto-baka, and...where the hell is Sasuke-kun?! You didn't kill him, did you?! Regardless, DIE!"
The crushed wall revealed pink hair, a gloved fist, and an Akatsuki robe, and it was reaching straight for Tenten who wasn't paying attention. The hand grabbed Tenten in the neck, choking her rather quickly, and the figure said, "And you...The stupid, little panda girl. You always had to be on Hinata-teme's side, and DEAD CHICKENS AIN'T FUNNY!"
Tenten swiftly took out a senbon with her free hand and attempted to stab Saku...the bitch, but she suddenly created a chakra shield around her whole body, breaking the metal weapon in half. The hand was continuously at Tenten's neck, and her eyes started rolling to the top of her head, losing consciousness, when Neji yelled,
"Put Tenten-chan down NOW, or you will be endlessly tortured with dead chicken jokes until the end of time! Eight Trigrams, 128 Palms!"
The pink-haired figure, still shadowed, moved Tenten around, using her as a shield, when she saw a shadow under her. Shikamaru walked up, arms crossed, and said, "Shadow Possession...Success."
Shikamaru quickly made a releasing motion with the arm that the figure was grabbing Tenten with, and Neji quickly caught her, before performing some CPR, blushing majorly, but also worried. Then, Shikamaru stepped to the right two steps, forcing the figure to step out of the darkness as well, and it revealed itself to be...
"Sakura!" Naruto yelled, utterly taken by surprise.
"Let...me...go, you gay, lazy prick!" Sakura insulted, and Shikamaru slapped himself in the face. Hard. Sakura could only follow, and she cried out in pain, while Shikamaru stood there, seemingly unaffected.
"Let's just say my mother is...violent." Shikamaru explained, continuing to smack himself in the cheek, and Sakura was forced to copy the actions, leaving many red bruises on her face. Shikamaru was amused enough, motioning Ino to take over.
"Mind-Body Transfer!" she yelled, letting her soul seep into Sakura's brain, and she knew that this would only work for a minute or so because of Inner Sakura. Before Ino did anything, Sakura's mind started a conversation.
"Ino...are you with them or me?" Sakura asked.
"Sakura...You were always a pain, but now you're going too far! Snap out of it! Why do you hate Hinata and Konoha so much? They haven't done anything to you."
"Yeah they have! She always acts all nice and shit in front of N-N-Naruto-kun!" Sakura replied, mocking Hinata's rather high-pitched and stuttering voice again.
"So? What, do you like Naruto or something?"
"The fact that I liked Sasuke and Sai...were lies! I only pretended to do so because I wanted to stay in the Fangirl Club!...And get laid! But in fact, I actually do like...Naruto."
"And...you were mean to him this whole time WHY? First, you're all punchin' him all the time, and Hinata was only nice to him! Now that she's dating Naruto, you're trying to kill her for a boy that you were always a total ass to? That's pretty filthy low, if you ask me."
"Well...I DIDN'T ask you! If you're supporting Hinata-teme, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" Sakura managed to yell.
"Forehead...Hinata already has a hard time with her abusive dad...you don't need to go around making it worse. And Naruto...Why didn't you ever give him a chance?"
"Because he was a dead-last dobe back then! Now he's all cool and hot and strong! He's better than Sasuke! And how can a rich little whore be sad?!"
Ino thought for a moment and said, "I always thought you could be a better person...But I guess there's nothing more I can say now. Except for these three words. Fuck you, bitch."
Ino aimed Sakura's body at the ground, and fell off the ledge, head-first, dispelling her jutsu. The actual Ino got her soul back and started weeping, feeling useless that she was finally unable to help her childhood friend. She just went too far. Sakura, meanwhile, realized that she would hit the ground a split second later and have her head cracked open.
'Naruto...' she thought, waiting for death, as her reflexes would not be enough, but then she felt a pair of hands. Sakura looked up, eyeing her savior, and it was none other than Itachi...'Fangirl Mode!' she thought, and started making what she thought was a 'cute face'. Itachi looked in disgust and dropped her to the ground, walking back, next to Kisame and the other Akatsuki.
"Great, how many intruders do we have this time?" Tsunade asked sarcastically, preparing herself for an epic battle. Hinata could only keep herself in shock and Naruto looked more furious each time Sakura moved, remembering that she tried to kill Hinata and recently, Tenten. He wouldn't stand for this. 'A Hokage's job is to protect his loved ones, after all', Naruto thought, running after Sakura.
But Neji noticed a crucial detail while still tending for Tenten. "The Hobo...is alive?! After the magnitude of damage that Hinata caused?! He's...weird."
That's when a guy with a chicken butt on his head jumped in, stuck in a straitjacket. He charged a Chidori around his back, releasing the bonds of the jacket, and swiveled his chicken-butt head around so that everyone could see that he was...
"Sasuke!" Naruto yelled.
"Hn...Naruto...Itachi, you are alive," Sasuke replied without emotion. Then, Pain stepped up, saying, "All your Hinata are belong to us."
"Never! Not to someone whose grammar is worse than my gramma's grammar!" Sasuke yelled, charging another Chidori.
Pain started, "Lemme explain...We need Hinata to seal her demon...And so I can do it with her..."
"It? What do you mean?" Naruto questioned with a look of suspicion on his eyes.
"Uh...I meant it as in...the Cha-cha! Yeah..." Pain quickly defended.
"Never!" Naruto yelled, and the biggest clash in Konoha since the Kyuubi began!
So Naruto and Hinata's 'fight' came to an abrupt stop, as a certain bitch and Akatsuki infiltrated Konoha! And I hope Pain really doesn't do it to Hinata, and by that, I mean the Cha-cha!
-Inaudible whispers in my ear-
So THAT'S what it was?!...Dude! She's supposed to do it with Naruto...but a lemon should be sprayed in everyone's eyes first so there's no peeking! But Pain...Man, I gotta do something to stop this! I'm powerless though! The only thing I can do is to write and change the plot and dialogue entirely! There's nothing useful I can do with that!
Match results so far:
(18)Hinata def. (1) Kakashi
(17)Sakura def. (2)Gai;
Quarterfinal match: (18)Hinata def. (17)Sakura
(15)Naruto def. (16)Konohamaru def. (3)Neji
(4)Kurenai def. (14)Choji;
Quarterfinal match: (15)Naruto def. (4)Kurenai
(10)Sai def. (5)Ibiki def. (13)Kiba
(6)Iruka def. (12)Ino
Quarterfinal match: (6)Iruka def. (10)Sai
(7)Lee def. (11) Shikamaru
(9)Tenten def. (8)Shino
Quarterfinal match: (7)Lee def. (9)Tenten
Semifinal Matchups:
(18)Hinata def. (6)Iruka
(15)Naruto def. (7)Lee
Finals Matchups:
(18)Hinata vs. (15)Naruto (duh)
But first...(15)Naruto def. Sasuke (unranked) / (18)Hinata def. Hanabi (unranked)
NEW POLL:
Who should be the next to (be forced to) join the Akatsuki? (For this, you may take up to TWO votes, no more.)
(And Naruto/Hinata counts as 1 vote, so if you voted for that, you get another vote.)
Oh, and the Hobo already won, but one more member will be added, so keep voting :)
Naruto and Hinata (4 votes)
Sasuke (2 vote)
Lee (lol, 1 vote)
Sai (3 votes)
Neji
Shikamaru
Kakashi (1 vote)
Tenten (1 vote)
Bowser (1 vote)
The Hobo (won Spot #1, 4 votes i think.)
Resurrected Asuma (1 vote)
Resurrected 3rd Hokage
Resurrected Yondaime
Resurrected Sasori (1 vote)
Haku (female) and Zabuza's long-lost son (1 vote)
Somebody Else
Nobody