I Won't
"This is amazing right?" Lexy asks as she takes my hand in hers. We've just entered the club where Serenity's signing party is.
"Yeah." I reply nonchalantly as she laces our hands together. I glance down at our hands and rolls my eyes. This is an action Lexy has done so many times before, I don't know why it's so weird now.
Maybe because she totally thinks you're in love with her.
Ooooh look everyone, Captain Obvious is here.
"I'm gonna get us something to drink." Lexy stops us, using her free hand to thumb towards the bar.
"Anything without alcohol in it." I tell her, she gives me a small smile before walking off. I make my way over to an empty table and see a familiar face in the corner.
"Mrs. Williams?" I question, walking over to her.
"Spencer!" She smiles and stands, pulling me into a hug.
"What are you doing here?" I ask. Not that I'm not happy to see her or anything, it's just that it's a club...I never imagined seeing Mrs. Williams at a club.
"Getting my party on of course." She smiles and moves her hips a little, doing this awkward dance. I can't help but smile at her. "Ashley invited me. I couldn't turn down the invitation now could I?" She smiles.
"Well it's good to see you." I hug her again. I've really become quite fond of Mrs. Williams. "Have you seen Ashley?" I ask, looking around.
She gives me a small smile and shakes her head. "No, but a man came on stage a little while ago and said they'd be performing shortly."
"Oh okay." I nod.
"Did you two fix what was going on with the two of you?" She questions. I sigh and take a seat in the chair across from her.
"No ma'am." I shake my head. "I love her a lot. But I broke up with my girlfriend and I don't think she ever will."
"Spencer honey," She reaches over and grabs my hand. "Maybe things are just a bit more complicated for her than for you. How long has she been with her girlfriend?"
"Almost nine months." I reply.
"And you with yours?"
"A month." Ugh! I didn't even think about it that way. It was so easy for me to break up with Stacy because we don't have that history like Ashley and Lexy have. They've been together almost a year, how could I expect her to just end things so easily?
"See." Mrs. Williams says, breaking me from my thoughts. "I'm sure she just needs a little more time honey. A love like the two of you have..." She pauses, smiling and shaking her head. "...it's forever."
"Thank you Mrs. Williams." I smile, standing up from my chair. "I think I should probably go talk to her then, I've been ignoring her the past few days." I give Mrs. Williams one last hug before going off in search of Ashley.
"Where you going?" Lexy steps in front of me, holding a clear liquid out for me. I taste it and see it's Sprite.
"Um... to talk to band. I wanna wish them good luck." I tell her. Which isn't a complete lie.
"Oh okay, I'll come with." She says, taking the drink out of my hand and sitting hers and mine on a nearby table.
"Actually." I stop her as she starts to pull me towards the back of the club. She stops walking and looks back at me. "I wanted to talk to Stacy alone for a moment. I feel like I need to explain some stuff to her and maybe it'd be best if you weren't there." I say, using my friends ignorance to my advantage. I'm such a shitty person...I know.
"Ohhhh." She nods slowly. "Got it. Well I'll be at the table." I nod and she walks back to the table she sat our drinks on. I sigh relief that she got the hint as I make my way to the back of the club.
"Spencer..." I turn around to see Stacy standing there. I haven't spoken to her since the day we broke up. I tried calling her a few times but she didn't answer and I don't blame her. I was really crappy to her and she didn't deserve that.
"Hi." I breathe out as she moves closer to me. She looks super amazing right now and under any other circumstance I think I would tell her that. But I'm sure she doesn't wanna hear that from me right now.
"Hey." She gives me a small smile. A smile is good, right? We stand and stare at each other awkwardly before she breaks the silence. "I'm sorry I haven't been returning your calls, I just... I needed time you know." She says and I nod.
"Yeah, Stace it's okay."
"Good. Cause I didn't want you thinking that I didn't want to talk to you, because I do. I was gonna call you tomorrow actually. I wasn't sure if you were coming tonight."
"Of course Stace, I wouldn't have missed it for anything." I give her a tight lipped smile.
"Kay." She nods and smiles, dropping her head to look at the ground. We grow quiet before she breaks the silence again. "Spencer I've been thinking and I know that you said that things just weren't the same for you as they were for me. I get that. And I respect the fact that you told me. But I want you to know that I really liked you. More than I've ever liked anyone and that's saying a lot." She chuckles and glances back at the ground. "What I'm trying to say is..." Oh my God, please don't say it. "Right now probably wasn't the best time for you. I know your ex really messed you up and you still haven't had time to heal from that. Maybe we could try again someday." She smiles.
I don't know what to say. She's awaiting an answer, an answer that I really don't want to give her, but I know it's necessary. I can't pretend with her anymore.
"Stace, I..." I pause, trying to figure out the best way to say this. I give her a small smile trying to ease the tension I'm feeling. "I can't be with you." I shake my head. "You're an amazing person. Seriously amazing. But I'm just not..." I sigh. Maybe I should just tell the truth. "I have feelings for someone else." I tell her. She drops my hands and steps back. Guess that wasn't what she was expecting and now I feel like I'm breaking up with her all over again.
Nice going asshole.
"Oh." Is all she says.
"Stacy I'm-"
"No." She cuts me off, shaking her head and raising a hand. "I get it." She forces a smile then turns to walk away.
"Stacy please." I call after her retreating figure, but she's gone. "Fuck!" I groan, internally kicking myself.
"Spencer, you're here." I turn around to see Ashley standing there. Suddenly I don't want to talk to her anymore.
"This was a mistake." I turn back around and try to leave. She runs up and grabs me. "Let me go." I try to snatch away. She's got a really good grip on me though.
"No." She shakes her head.
"Ashley let me go." My voice cracks. Ugh! I will not cry anymore over this girl.
"No I won't Spencer." She says, barely audible. I look up to her and see that she's been crying.
"Just let me go, please." I beg, matching her tone. She stares at me intently, scanning my face to see if what I'm saying is what I really want. It is... but it isn't. See what she does to my brain! She wordlessly pulls me into an adjacent room, shutting the door behind us. "Ashley please don't-" I'm cut off by her lips crashing into mine. The kiss isn't rushed or rough. It's exactly what I've been missing. She's telling me how much she loves me and misses me in this kiss.
This kiss is telling me everything I've wanted to hear the past few days.
I love her. I can't deny that. But this love that we have...it shouldn't be a secret. We shouldn't have to hide it from the world. I can't do it anymore. I gently push her back.
She pulls back and looks at me as we both struggle to return our breathing to normal.
"I love you." She whispers, moving closer to my lips. I close my eyes and soak it in.
"I know." I whisper back.
Her loving me isn't the problem. I know that she loves me.
"I love you." She says again, but this time her voice cracks. I open my eyes to see she's crying. I immediately wipe away the tears. "I love you, I love you, I love you." She repeats over and over.
I nod. "I know Ashley. I know." I tell her.
"I'm so sorry that I haven't done it yet. I've tried. I've been trying since the last time we talked. I just don't-"
"We don't have to talk about this right now." I cut her off. She's about to go on stage in a short while and I know how important this record deal is to her. I don't want it to be jeopardized in any way.
"But I need you to know that I'm trying. I want to be with you Spencer. I need you to know that."
"I know." I assure her.
"I love you." She says again, pulling me into another kiss. When we pull back she lays her forehead against mine and sighs. "I don't wanna lose you Spencer, promise me you'll wait. And I know it's selfish of me to ask but I don't care. When it comes to you, I can't help but be selfish. I want you to promise me you'll wait. Please." When I don't say anything she pulls back and looks in my eyes. "Please tell me you'll wait." She asks again.
Of course I'll wait for her. I never planned not to.
There's no escaping this... I know that now. That's why I'm telling Lexy after the party. She needs to know.
"I'll wait for you." I say, barely audible.
She sighs then leans her forehead against mine. I've missed her. I bury fingers in her brown tresses and we just stand in silence for a moment.
"It'll be over soon baby," She pauses and looks up into my eyes. There's meaning behind her words. "I promise." She adds and I sigh knowing that it'll be much sooner than she thinks. She gives me a small smile and kisses me again. "I have go, but you promise not to disappear on me again right?" I nod as she kisses me once more before exiting the room. I sigh before leaving the room. I really don't wanna have this talk with Lexy but I know it has to be done.
A few moments later I leave the room to head back out into the club.
"Spencey!" Andrew shouts, coming up behind me and hugging me.
"Hey Andrew." I chuckle as he sits me back down on the ground.
"I'm so glad you're here." He ruffles my hair. I slap his hand away and he laughs.
"I wouldn't have missed it Andrew. And I'm gonna need autographs from all of you so I can frame them, please and thank you."
"Of course of course." He chuckles out. "We heard about you and Stacy. I'm sorry Spence, that's a real bummer."
"It had to be done I couldn't lie to her anymore. I've done enough of that already." He just nods in understanding. I sigh as I notice her in the distance getting ready on stage. Andrew looks back at his band mate then at me.
"I think she hates me."
He scoffs. "Please, Stacy doesn't have a mean bone in her body."
I groan. "That makes me feel even worse. I totally didn't need to hear that."
He makes a face and scratches under his chin as he thinks. "Well you know I definitely made that up, she's like the Grinch's sister, stealing Christmas presents and making people cry. It's a good thing you ended it, who knows what she would've turned you into." He gives me a soft smile after he delivers his pathetic save.
I snort. "I'm pretty sure it can't be any worse than the person I've become."
He places his hands on both of my shoulders forcing me to look up at him.
"You are not a bad person Spencer. Things just happen and often when they happen like that, that's when you know they're right." I look at him a little confused. I've been getting too many philosophical teachings these past few days. I need someone to give it to me straight. He senses my confusion and tries again. "You already know how I feel about people connecting, it's not a choice. Sure you can choose not to follow your heart, but in the long run does that really resolve anything? You're a really cool chick Spence and I don't care what anyone else says. You're doing what feels right, what you want, people spend too much of their lives doing what everyone else wants. There's nothing wrong with going after what makes you happy." I look down and my mouth twitches up as I smile. "Like I always say you can't help who you connect with."
He pulls me into a hug and pat his back in appreciation. "Thank you Andrew"…
I shake my head and sigh and what is proving to be a stressful night like I knew it would be when I agreed to come. I don't think I can take another heart felt conversation. Especially not the one that I know is inevitable.
"Mom, Glen, What are you two doing here? " I ask when I reach the table Lexy and I were sitting at.
"Ashley invited us. She said that this wouldn't have been possible without me." My mother yells over the music that's playing.
"And Glen?" I question, thumbing in his direction.
"He thinks he's gonna pick up some girls." My mom says rolling her eyes. We both chuckle as I sit down next to her.
"But isn't he in a relationship?" I question with a raised brow.
My mother gives me a side eye, "He's an idiot." She says seriously, causing me to laugh.
"Where'd Lexy go?" I ask looking around. My mother points to the stage and I see Lexy and Ashley talking.
Oh.
Great.
"Are you okay?" She asks. I look at her, debating on my answer.
"I think I will be."
"Have you decided whether you're gonna-"
"Tonight." I nod, already knowing what she's gonna ask. "After the signing party"
"And are you prepared for the possible outcomes?"
"Not really." I shake my head.
"You need to prepare yourself Spencer. You need to understand that there's a really good possibility that she won't forgive you."
"I know."
"Okay." My mother smiles as she turns back to the stage. I look up and see Lexy is no longer on the stage as Serenity does a sound check.
"Look who I found." Lexy comes from behind me and says. I turn to see her with Mrs. Williams. "I told her to join us." Lexy says. I give Mrs. Williams a small smile as she joins us. Funny how everyone at this table knows about me and Ashley's relationship except Lexy.
After sound check Mr. Levi, the man who signed them, comes on stage and introduces them; acknowledging all the execs and board members in attendance.
"We're gonna do a couple of light songs for you guys to start out. We hope you enjoy them." Ashley smiles as they play their first song. Which just so happens to be the song she sang for me the first night we spent alone together. She named it 'Little Things.'
Next they played the song she sang at my parent's house the time we went over for lunch. 'A Drop In the Ocean.'
Then she sang 'I'd Rather Be With You.'
She glances at me quite a few times during their set and each time I roll my eyes at her. Is she trying to blow our cover right now?
"This next song is new, It was written a few days ago and well um... we're just gonna play it for you guys. It's called 'I Won't.'" Ashley tells the crowd. A few people cheer as they start the song. As Ashley strums her guitar her eyes shift to me. We shouldn't have sat so close to the stage. She needs to not give me those eyes right now.
"I won't do what you told me. I won't do what you said, no. I'm not gonna stop feeling. I'm not gonna forget it. I don't wanna start over. I don't wanna pretend that. You are not my lover. That you're only my friend." Falls from Ashley's lips and I drop my head and shake it. She's not doing this right now. Not in front of Lexy.
Lexy can't be this blind.
"Oh snap." Glen says and snickers. I shoot him a death glare. I notice Lexy switching her gaze between me and Ashley. I close my eyes and try to ignore the fact that my friend is piecing it all together right now.
"Cause when you took my heart. You took it all. When you gave it back. It fell apart. So..." When the chorus comes in Ashley and Andrew sing together.
"I won't do what you told me. I won't do what you said, no. I'm not gonna stop feeling. I'm not gonna forget it. I don't wanna start over. I don't wanna pretend that. You are not my lover. That you're only my friend. My friend. I won't..."
"Maybe you're not right for me. Maybe it's just hard to see. I get lost in your beauty. And I just start questioning. Cause when you took my heart you took it all. But when you gave it back it fell apart." She pauses, staring at me intently. I can feel everyone's eyes on me. Why is she doing this to me right now? Stacy follows Ashley's gaze and when her eyes land on me, I know that she knows. I can see it in the way she's looking at me. I look at Lexy who's eyes are fixed on Ashley right now.
"Did you know she was gonna do this?" My mom leans forward and asks me. I can only shake my head.
"Is she singing to you?" Confusion and sadness are lacing her voice and I give her sad eyes. She whips her head in the direction of her girlfriend. It isn't long before Lexy's eyes are on me again. She's glances at me with this look on her face, one I can't read, before turning back to Ashley who's still staring at me.
This time when the chorus comes in Joey sings it with her. "I won't do what you told me. I won't do what you said, no. I'm not gonna stop feeling. I'm not gonna forget it. I don't wanna start over. I don't wanna pretend that. You are not my lover. That you're only my friend. Friend. I won't..."
Oh my God!
When the bridge comes in everyone stops playing their instruments except Stacy, as Ashley sings. "You say it's easier to burn than to build. You say it's easier to hurt than to heal. But I say you lose when you give up what you love. And I've lived my life without you long enough. You say it's easier to burn than to build. You say it's easier to hurt than to heal. So..." The boys and Ashley slowly come back in with their instruments as Mikey and Stacy joins Ashley in singing the next part.
"Spence?" I feel my chest tighten as she directs all her emotion at me right now. None of them resembling any form of happiness. She's looking at me in a way she's never looked at me before. Disgust, anger…probably more along the lines of hatred. I don't know what to say. I had a whole speech prepared and now…nothing.
"I won't do what you told me. I won't do what you said, no. I'm not gonna stop feeling. I'm not gonna forget it. I don't wanna start over. I don't wanna pretend that. You are not my lover. That you're only my friend. Friend. I won't...No, I won't..." When the final words leave Ashley's lips everyone claps. Everyone except Lexy. Stacy stares at me with so much hurt in her eyes. I've hurt her for like the third time and if I didn't feel shitty before.
"Thank you everyone we're gonna take a quick break and then come back to finish up." Mikey tells the crowd and everyone starts doing their own thing. I tear my eyes from Stacy to look at Lexy. Her head is down. I can't read her face. I can't figure out if I should say something...if she knows.
Of course she knows. Ashley just made it blatantly obvious.
"Spencer." My mom leans forward and whispers. I glare at her. I really don't need a speech right now.
"Lexy." I try. Her eyes snap to me. Yup, she knows. "Lexy wait, let me expl-"
"Go to hell Spencer." She spits out before hopping off her chair and taking off towards the door. I glance at Ashley again as the band shuffles off stage. She's trying to tell me something with her eyes but I'm really not in the mood to hear it. There was a much better way to do this. A way that didn't completely embarrass Lexy and she didn't choose that way.
"Spencer!" She calls after me as I race after Lexy. I catch up to her right as she leaves the club. I grab her arm and she spins around to face me.
"Don't touch me." She tells me with so much hate in her voice. Lexy has never spoken to me this way. I guess I've never really given her a reason to.
"Lexy I'm sorry." I tell her. Like that makes it any better. "I never meant for this to happen. I didn't plan it or anything I swear." I explain.
"This whole time it was you. This whole fucking time."
"Lexy it isn't-"
"You're my best friend Spencer. My best fucking friend and you..." She trails off, shaking her head. Not even able to say the words. She scoffs and turns to walk away again.
"Lexy please." I call to her.
"Spencer." A voice calls to me. I look over and see Ashley's parent's.
Oh my God! As if this night couldn't have gotten any worse.
"Hi Mr. and Mrs. Davies." I reply and in the corner of my eye I see Lexy skid to a stop and turn around. Now she knows that I met Ashley's parents before her.
"You have got to be fucking kidding me! How could I have been so stupid?!" She shouts, shaking her head and turning around again.
"Who's that?" Mrs. Davies thumbs in Lexy's direction.
"Lexy."
"Ah. Now I see why Ashley was hiding her." Mrs. Davies makes a face and I can't help but roll my eyes. She has no idea what Lexy just went through...Is going through.
"Ashley's inside, I gotta go catch up to my friend." I tell them, chasing after Lexy. I hear Mr. Davies say something to his wife along the lines of 'he can't take her anywhere.' "Lexy if you just give me a moment to explain I can-"
"You can what?" She snaps, turning around to face me, almost causing me to crash into her.
"I can-"
"Explain to me how for the past month and a half you've been fucking my girlfriend when you're supposed to be my best friend."
"It isn't like that Lex. I swear. When I met Ashley I didn't know that she was your girlfriend."
"What the hell are you talking about... I introduced you two at the..." She trails off, turning her head to look at the ground as she figures it out. "The girl in New York and the girl on the plane." She says and clenches her jaw. I should have just told her then that it was Ashley, but I didn't know how.
"Yeah." I breathe out.
"Unbelievable." She rolls her eyes and takes off running again.
"Spencer!" Ashley shouts from the club. Ugh! Right now is really not a good time.
I run a frustrated hand through my hair as I try to catch a glimpse of Lexy. She's headed towards her car if I don't find her soon she'll get away.
"Not now Ashley!" I scream out and I hate that I'm yelling at her right now but I'm so fucking confused! I dart towards where Lexy parked her car earlier and I hear footsteps behind me.
Ashley's still running after me.
After me!
If this weren't Lexy I would love this fact, but no, right now my feelings don't matter.
Maybe this whole time they shouldn't have.
"Just wait!"
I whip around and look at Ashley she looks heartbroken but I'm so mad at her.
"What the fuck was that?!" She halts at my words as if they were what stopped her. She tries to approach me but I back away. "You're chasing the wrong person." I tell her. "We have to find Lexy we have to explain." I swallow the lemon in my throat. I feel it. I'm about to lose my best friend. The stinging in my eyes alert me that tears are about to shed. For the first time in days I'm about to cry and it's not over Ashley. So I let them come. Ashley steps closer. "No! Why did you do that?"
"I…I couldn't help it! I just needed you to know, that you're it Spencer you're the one for me. I needed you to know that I won't stop loving you just because you think it's what's best. I wrote that song after our talk the other day. I didn't mean to hurt Lexy. I never did, that was never my intention, but hurting you seemed so much worse."
I shake my head, wiping the tears away. "There was a better way Ashley! I was going to talk to her after the party."
"You were going to talk to her without talking to me first."
My mouth drops open. "Are you kidding?! With that shit you just pulled you should not be talking." I turn and start in the direction of where Lexy's car should be. Hopefully it's still there. I pick up the pace and I still hear Ashley following. I don't look back but shout over my shoulder. "You better not be coming after me!"
"I'll always come after you."
Ugh I don't need her to be sweet right now.
I just shake my head and continue to jog.
I sigh a little, relieved when I see Lexy's car. Relief quickly leaves me as I notice her crying in the driver seat. I place my palm in front of my eyes as I try to squeeze the tears away. I don't have a right to cry right now.
I slowly approach the car and knock on the window.
She quickly snaps her head up and her gaze paralyzes me.
She turns on her car and I quickly step in front of it so she can't pull out.
"Lex please just let me explain."
Her words are muffled as she shouts from the inside of her car but I'm pretty sure she told me to get the fuck out of her way.
"Lex just get out of the car and let us explain." Ashley says in that voice that would make you want to do anything for her.
Okay maybe I should've told Ashley to go away because I'm pretty sure the two of us here right now, together... isn't helping. I thought I wanted Lexy to get out but I was wrong. Her car still running as she opens the door and she's out in a flash.
"Fuck you Davies! My best friend! Of all people?! Who the hell do you think you are? Don't ever talk to me again, I hate you..." She turns to me. "...and you!" She's shouting at me now. Oh you got that on your own did you? "Move." I'm a little sad that she only had one word for me.
"Lexy please I just…"
"We're in love Lexy, we didn't mean for any of this to happen."
"Ashley, shut up!" She looks at me and as much as I love her for trying to help…she's not.
Lexy laughs sardonically.
"Oh you're in love. Oh I'm sorry I thought you were just fucking because you were bored. No you falling in love with each other behind my back makes it so much better. Please forgive my erratic behavior. I didn't know it was love." She stays quiet for a minute. Not gonna lie. I'm kinda scared. Fire is in her eyes as she looks at me and then at her girlfriend…well ex girlfriend. "Fuck you! I don't give a shit that you two are in love, you both betrayed me. So since you two are in love you can do without me, because I sure as hell don't want to be around either of you. I'm done." She turns to get back in her car before stopping and letting out a shrill of a laugh. She turns back around to me. "And how fucking stupid am I?! I sat there and consoled you, I..." She shakes her head and laughs sardonically. "I thought you were in love with me?"
"Wait, what!" Ashley shouts beside me, looking back between me and Lexy. Ugh! She's so not helping.
"Ashley can it!" I turn and shout to her.
"I have to be the biggest fucking idiot on the gotdamn planet!" Lexy shakes her head and I open my mouth to tell her she's wrong, that she's not stupid but the look she gives me cuts me off.
She gets in her car and Ashley grabs me out of the street because I'm pretty sure Lexy would have hit me with her car.
She's that pissed.
I quickly accept the warmth of Ashley's arms but then quickly remove myself from them. I just shake my head as she says my name in a pleading tone.
"You need to go check on Stacy." I tell her and start to walk back towards the club to get a ride with my mom.
"Are we going to talk about this?"
"No." Is all I can say before I turn the corner and leave Ashley behind, this time she doesn't follow.
–
Song Used- Colbie Calliat- I Won't (Itunes session version)