Ohhh when my academic life is going to hell in a hand-basket, my plot bunny is thrilled. Seven reviews in one day! You guys are all amazing. Thanks. And in return the happy bunny provides more angst for you all. Usual disclaimer applies.
Right Hand Blue: For the love that is Addek, here you go
Stairwell Girl No2: Unfortunately I did. I'm sorry I made your bad day at work worse. Divorce, no me thinks not so much. Don't fret that much.
SeriouslyAddison: Life? Ha, I understand completely. I've missed your reviews, but hope things are okay and are ironing out. No the light is flickering, have faith though.
Abbeyannmd: Thanks, here you go
Greys4evr: Captivated? Wow, that's a great compliment, thank you very much. We'll iron a few things out in coming chapters; this is more a continuation of the last scene.
Queen Satan: I'm sad too believe me. Once I realized what I was going to do, I rethought it out and ultimately realized I needed to for plot reasons, however, it was not easy.
Crazy-chica6: At a loss for words? Really? (Just kidding). I like the way you put it though, the baby isn't an excuse anymore, very true. They also do need each other; however I think that while they both know that, they're dealing with two very challenging things…1) the terrible state of a marriage and their fight, and 2) the loss of the baby, unfortunately number one is going to cause problems with coming together to help each other heal in light of number two.
This lightens my day people to hear the feedback, thanks so much. Enjoy.
Chapter 37: Utter Desolation
He stood watching her stir, his brain was barely functioning. He had no idea what to say. Her eyelids flickered as she struggled to wake up, and Derek sent a final prayer to whatever power was of a higher nature.
Addison hurt all over, she felt achy, tired and fragmented. The first thing she noticed with clarity was her husband's eyes. She remembered their fight, and felt a brief flash of anger before noticing where she was, and where she was currently resting; a hospital bed.
"Derek," her voice was hoarse as she tried to piece the events of the last few hours together.
"Baby," and then she noticed the rest of his face, there was such sadness, such grief and such desolation it left her breathless.
Despite their distance over the past months, she could still read him, and what she saw scared her. He looked like he'd walked through hell, and it would take her weeks before she'd understand exactly what he went through.
"What happened," she questioned finally when he said nothing.
He seemed to be searching for the right words, his mouth opened and closed a few times and he swallowed back his tears.
"Derek," she questioned when he refused to meet her gaze. She couldn't read him entirely; she could tell he was waging some internal war.
"I don't know," he whispered finally.
"What," she was confused.
"How," he hesitated, "how to say it."
"Just tell me what happened," and then she knew, "Derek," her tone changed.
He spun around seeing her eyes widen.
"Addie baby," he came and sat down next to her, and as she sought and found the truth in his eyes she began to feel dizzy.
"Derek, please please," she whimpered shaking her head frantically.
"Addison," he grasped her hand watching as she crumpled, he grasped frantically for what to say. Nothing could really prepare him for this.
"My baby, where is she" she began to sob, her other hand flew first to her stomach and then to cover her face.
"Derek," her beautiful eyes were filled with such grief.
"She's gone Addison," he knew that while neither one had known the sex for sure that it was a hunch they both had the baby was a girl. He went with it.
She started to pull away and he tightened his grip on her hand.
"Baby," she ignored his plea.
"Addison," he tried again, and this time she responded reaching for her. Momentarily startled, he quickly wrapped her in his arms praying he'd find the right words to say.
"She's gone," Addison sobbed.
"The baby is gone," Derek confirmed knowing she would not want him to sugarcoat it.
"My baby, my baby," she cried deep gut wrenching sobs, "no no no, Derek this can't be, she was so alive, so alive, I knew her, I knew the baby, I carried her, oh god, I lost her," Addison was almost hyperventilating. Her fists were pounding against his back and her anguish vibrated around him.
"You did not," Derek whispered, "You did not."
"If I hadn't," she choked, "hadn't gotten so upset at you."
"Addison, I wasn't there for you, I didn't make it any easier, neither of us are to blame, but if you're to blame yourself, you have to blame me too," he felt as awful as she did.
She said nothing and Derek knew his first instinct was right, their marriage, or lack thereof would come second for her as she reeled from her loss.
"I want my baby," she whined desperately, "give her back to me Derek, please, please give her back to me."
"Addison, I can't, I can't make her come back, but she's in a beautiful place now," he promised.
"You aren't even religious," she managed to point out.
"I am now," he murmured rubbing her back and hoping she'd stop shaking.
"Honey you need to take a deep breath," he urged.
"Can't, she's gone Derek, what did I do wrong, oh god, she must have been so scared," the doctor in her knew that she was being illogical; the soon-to-be mother didn't care. All she could think about was that she failed to protect her child.
"I failed her Derek, I was suppose to carry her, and keep her safe, until she could survive on her own, I let her down," her voice choked up and she wanted more than anything to erase the last few hours.
"Addison, it just wasn't meant to be right now," he whispered back, "that doesn't mean we won't have a family someday."
He knew that any other day she would have yelled at him, accused him of not wanting children, of patronizing her, but she was too broken, too hysterical and too lost to yell now.
"Addie, if you can't calm down, I'm going to need to get you a sedative," he hated telling her that.
"Derek," she pulled back.
"Yeah," he stroked her tear stained face.
"I wanted her," she whispered, "even if you didn't, I did."
His heart broke at her words and he felt his own tears fall, "I did Addison, even on the days I thought I'd fail her, or screw up, I wanted our baby, she was perfect Addie, she was so perfect," and Addison believed him. He saw her eyes well up again and she started to cry softly.
"She was mine, she was going to be so perfect," she nodded in agreement, "she was ours Derek, why did she leave us?"
"Addison, I'm so sorry," he wanted to make it better.
"What did I do wrong," she closed her eyes wishing it was all a nightmare and she heard him say something but she didn't hear the actual words.
He knew she hadn't heard his firm denial of her guilt, "these things do happen Addison, as much as it hurts when they do, that doesn't mean someone is to blame, least of all you."
"She's not really gone is she Derek, she can't be, she was so alive inside me," her hands were resting on her stomach and their small frantic circles were tearing at his very being.
He placed his hands on hers slowing them, "she's not in there Addison," he waited, "she's not there anymore."
"I want her back inside me, I miss her," she choked back a sob.
"I miss her too," he did, he missed the fact she was going to exist and be his, he missed the glow she gave to his wife even in her most tired and frustrated moments. He would have done anything to have Addison pregnant and angry at him again if his child was going to be born.
"I loved her so much," her eyes were drying and becoming more vacant, Derek was suddenly afraid he was watching her slip away.
"Come here," he shifted on the bed so he was next to her and he pulled her close.
"I want to wake up from this Derek, I want our old reality back," she pleaded weakly.
He felt his heart twist, he would have given anything to change it, "I would do anything if it meant we could have her back," he whispered.
"Really," she needed to hear it again.
"Anything," he whispered, "hell or high water I'd do it."
"Give up your job," she was tired, but she had to ask.
"I'd be the best stay at home dad there ever was," he affirmed.
Addison fell quiet after that although Derek knew she was probably in shock and not sleeping.
Addison felt his arms around her but they were the only grounding in reality she had. The rest of her was floating in a surreal universe, one that was perfect, and one where she and her baby were playing on the front porch waiting for Derek to come home. That was what she'd been dreaming about, she knew now that she would have dealt with Derek's long work hours as long as she had her family. Her ideal reality had been so shattered that any fears she had about Derek not being there for her 100 seemed foolish. She was so obsessed with having the perfect life that she'd neglected the true blessing she was given. How could she have been so stupid, it was gone now, her purpose was gone. It hurt thinking about what had happened, what she was going to have to face tomorrow and the day after that. She knew in the back of her mind that she and Derek had fought, that she may have told him to leave, to get out, that they were over. Her heart ached, her life without Derek and her baby would be worth nothing, and she yearned to tell him that. But he was here now, he was next to her and holding her. Somehow he didn't care that she had destroyed him, assumed the worst, he was still by her side. With that in mind, and imaging happier times she closed her eyes.
Slowly her body slackened against his. Derek allowed himself to relax as well, he slowly released the tension and the walls he had up to give himself strength began to crack as his whole self crashed down. He couldn't let her down, not now; he would have to pull it together. He had been such a terrible self-centered husband when she needed him for so long, and now she truly needed his strength, Derek wasn't someone who would let the woman he loved down for a second time. It was simply not going to happen.
He knew that she was closing down, she was going to blame herself, but Derek wished she would blame him, she had done nothing wrong.
Mark appeared in the doorway about twenty minutes later and his eyes were downcast as he took in the couple on the bed.
"How is she," he whispered and Derek just shook his head. Mark had never seen such hopelessness is his friends' eyes.
He was about to leave when he heard Derek's voice, "don't go."
Mark turned quickly, "what?"
"I said don't go," Derek was suddenly afraid to be alone with her.
Mark nodded and made his way towards the bed, he noted how Addison was clinging to Derek and how his friend, despite the terribly sadness, was offering her as much physical support as possible. His eyes had dark circles underneath and it looked as though he'd aged ten years in one day. Hell, that was the best word Mark could think of to describe their emotional state; they had to be in emotional hell. He wanted to comfort them, but he didn't know what he could do.
"Derek," he spoke softly, and his friend met his eyes.
"What can I do," he questioned.
Derek just shook his head slightly, his face showed no expression, and then closed his eyes.
Mark sat down in the chair without saying a word, he didn't need to know; all he needed to do was be there