Author's Note: So, yeah, I'm a big fat liar! I couldn't wait to update. I'm a loser that way. Thank you for the reviews! Leila, one of the anonymous reviewers, thanks so much and I hope you know that I really appreciate your reviews. I'm grateful for all the reviews! I honestly am! I just wanted to let the anonymous reviewers know that they are appreciated as well. Not to sound stupid but what the hell is a canon? I just lost all my creditability but asking that, didn't I? Anyway, this is a so-so chapter. I just loved the idea of them playing truth or dare and their friends, especially James, finding out little secrets about his sister's private life. The part with Sirius….you'll know what I'm talking about when you read it….was just something I had wanted to do so badly. He needed his ego to do down a notch or two. I'm happy to report that chapter 37 is coming a long very nicely. I took a week break from writing and then, at 3 am once again, I had the inspiration that I needed to start the chapter. At that time, I was on my fifth rewrite of the chapter. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Please, show some love, and review! Thanks for all the support!
Chapter 35: Are You Now or Have You Ever Been?
James looked at Sam closely as they walked back to the common room. She wouldn't tell him anything about what happened in Dumbledore's office. It irritated the hell out of him. He stopped her. "Sam, what's going on? Why did you have to have a secret meeting with Dumbledore? Is this about your dre-?"
Sam interrupted by hugging him tightly and she spoke loudly. "I've missed you so much, James!" She turned her head slightly and whispered in his ear. "Someone's watching us."
He slightly nodded. "I've missed you too, Sammy. How are you feeling?"
She shrugged as they continued walking. "I'm alive, aren't I? So, I guess, I'm doing ok?"
James leaned in and whispered. "What did Dumbledore want your disease to be?"
She made a face and bit her lip. "I think it was something to do with the heart. I just know that he told me during one of my screaming fits."
He paled at those words. The memory of holding her down while screamed and as the healers put restraints on her wrists and ankles was still fresh in his mind. It felt like it happened yesterday. "What did the healers say was wrong with you?" He asked in a normal voice.
Sam smiled at him. "The heart defect again. It took a lot longer to take care of this time. I just can't have too many surprises for a while."
James laughed and hugged her. "So, tackling you in the Great Hall was a bad idea?"
"No, it wasn't. It was pretty funny."
"Everyone was really worried about you. I was really worried about you. Could you try not to scare me like that again? Ever?"
She laughed out loud. "I'll try my best." She stopped and looked at him closely. "You don't have to worry about me anymore. I'm going to be fine."
He nodded as they walked back into the common room. Remus looked at her and smiled brightly. Sam ran to him and held onto him like she never wanted to let go. They closed their eyes and took in each other's scent. "You are not allowed to scare me again for at least a year!" He whispered in her ear.
"I promise, Remus." She smiled. "I've missed you so much!"
Remus kissed her briefly and smiled. "I've missed you too. I'm glad you're back."
"So am I." They separated and saw Sirius staring at them with a huge smile on his face. "Is it ok to give my Sammy a hug?"
Sam rolled her eyes and laughed. "Get your ass over here, Black!"
Sirius smirked and hugged her tightly. "No hard feelings?" He whispered into her ear.
She smiled slightly at him. "Not anymore."
"Can we talk? There's something important that we need to discuss." He asked nervously.
Before she could answer, James took hold of her arm and dragged her up to the boys' room. "Whatever it is, can wait, Padfoot." Sirius sighed and followed. "Did you go to the kitchens?"
"Yes, we did." Remus answered.
"What's going on?" Sam asked. They didn't answer her. All they did was smile. They entered the boys' room and Sam laughed. Their friends were sitting on their beds, smiling at her. "What is all of this?"
Frank laughed and waved his arm around the room to show off the food and drinks that the boys' managed to nick from the kitchens. "Think of it as your welcome back party, Sammy." He pulled out a bottle from behind him and winked at her. "Some fire whiskey for the celebration."
James shook his head rapidly. "No way, Frank! We are not going to give her any of that! She shouldn't be getting drunk when she just returned!"
Sam rolled her eyes at him and laughed. "James, come on! It's a party and I've never tried it before! One drink won't kill me!" He reluctantly nodded and sat next to Lily on his bed. Sam followed Remus to his bed. "Can I sit with you?"
Remus smiled brightly at her and they didn't notice Sirius scowl. "Of course, you can." He moved over and wrapped an arm around her shoulders after she sat down. He kissed her forehead. "I'm glad you're here."
Sirius sat down with a sigh on his bed next to Lilac, Frank, and Alice. "We're all glad she's back, Moony." He muttered.
Remus glared at him and purposely held her closer. He knew that Sirius wanted Sam back. They had a long talk about everything before dinner. They were able to try to put the past behind them but Remus was still unsure how sincere his friend actually was. "I know that, Padfoot. I was just letting her know."
"No, you weren't! You said 'you' were glad. You didn't say 'we'! There's a difference!"
"Why don't you two shut the hell up so we can start the celebration?" Frank said trying to stop the almost argument.
Sam smiled at Frank. "Frank's right! Pass the food and fire whiskey around! Let's have some fun and forget our petty problems for a bit!"
They laughed and passed the food and drinks around. In no time everyone became tipsy. They started playing truth or dare. "Remus, truth or dare?" Frank asked.
Remus blushed. "It's my turn already?" They laughed and nodded. "Ok, I'll take truth."
Frank smiled evilly. Remus started to sweat. "Who's the best shag that you've ever had?"
He blushed further and shifted uncomfortably. "Is it too late to say dare?"
"Yes!" Frank yelled.
Sam laughed. "Remus, you can answer honestly. If it's Hannah, I won't get mad."
He smiled at her. "I don't want to answer because her very protective older brother is in the room with us and he'd probably kick my ass."
"Hannah has an older brother?" Peter asked.
They rolled their eyes and laughed. Remus shook his head. "I meant Sam. My answer is Sam, ok?"
James groaned loudly. "That's what every brother wants to know about his little sister! She's good in bed!"
Sam blushed. "Shut up, James!" She looked at Remus. "You aren't just saying that because I'm here, are you?" He shook his head and smiled. "Good, I'm glad to hear it."
Remus winked at her. "Who's your best shag?"
She blushed again. "You didn't ask me truth or dare."
"Truth or dare?"
"Dare."
He lightly laughed. "I've should've know. Ok, I dare you to kiss…me."
Everyone booed. "That's too easy! Pick someone else!" Patty exclaimed.
"Fine! Who should she kiss?"
Sam laughed. "I'll take anyone but James!"
"And Frank!" Alice added while laughing.
Frank looked at her in mock surprise. "Hey! Why not me?" He winced when Alice elbowed him in the ribs. "Sorry, dear."
Remus laughed. "Sam, I dare you to kiss…Peter."
She inwardly groaned. She would have rather kissed James than Peter. "Fine! Peter, get over here!"
Peter looked completely terrified as he walked over to her. She held his face in her hands and briefly kissed him on the lips as everyone "oohed" and "ahhed". He blushed as he walked back to his bed. "T-Thank you?"
"Not a problem, Peter." Sam turned to Lily. "Lily, truth or dare?"
Lily groaned. "I guess I'll pick truth."
"Tell us something."
"What they hell is that supposed to mean? You have to ask me a real question!"
"Ok, tell us who you've kissed that we don't know about."
She blushed. "I've kissed…Sirius."
Everyone but James, Lily, and Sirius exclaimed. "You didn't!" Lilac exclaimed.
Lily nodded. "I did. It was last year at the Christmas ball. James was trying to make me jealous by kissing a girl in front of me. I decided that he need a taste of his own medicine so, I kissed Sirius. James knew why I did it and rolled his eyes." She looked at Sam. "Are you mad at me?"
Sam laughed and rolled her eyes. "Why should I be? I'm just surprised that you didn't tell me."
She shrugged. "No offense to Sirius but I didn't want a lot of people to know."
Sirius gasped. "I'm not a bad kisser!"
"No, you aren't. I just didn't want anyone to know the reason why I kissed you and make a big deal about it." Lily turned to Sam and smiled. "Truth or dare?"
She groaned. "Why me! Can't you ask someone else?"
Lily nodded. "I could but I don't want to. Truth or dare?"
"Truth."
"Who was your best shag?"
"I can't answer that!"
"Why not?"
Sam rolled her eyes. "Are you thick! Three of my ex-boyfriends and my brother are in the room! Plus, I've only slept with two of them and I don't want to hurt their feelings!"
Lily laughed. "Fine, just tell the girls."
The girls went over to Sirius' bed and forced Sirius and Frank to move over to Remus' bed. Sam laughed as she leaned in and whispered. The boys' rolled their eyes when the girls gasped. "No way!" Mary exclaimed.
"You don't believe me!"
"No, we do! It's just…wow!" Alice said.
The girls laughed as they looked over at Remus' bed. Sirius and Remus shared a look and shrugged. They each secretly prayed that she said their name. Sam leaned in again and the girls laughed. "You called the other one that!" Lily exclaimed.
"Called the other one what?" Chris asked.
Patty laughed. "Her little minute man!"
Remus and Sirius scowled while the boys laughed loudly. "Why do I have the feeling that she called Remus that?" James said.
Remus looked offended. "It wasn't me!" He looked at Sam. "Was it me?"
Sam laughed. "No, it wasn't."
Sirius' mouth hung open. "It was me!"
She shook her head. "No, it wasn't!"
"Who the hell was it!" asked Kevin.
Sam smiled. "I'm not going to say! You can believe what you want!"
The party went on for a bit longer before everyone went to bed. Sam and Remus couldn't be woken up. James tried shaking her as hard as possible but she wouldn't wake up. "James, let her be. She'll sleep here tonight." Lily said.
"I don't want him shagging my sister while I'm asleep a few feet away."
Sirius scowled. He was annoyed at the fact that he could possible be nicknamed "her little minute man" and he didn't like how Remus and Sam were holding each other. "Why not? They've don't it before."
Everyone stopped dead in their tracks and turned to look at him. Sirius could have kicked himself. "They've done that before?" Mary asked in shock.
He slowly nodded. He told them about seeing them in the common room and about them coming up here and continuing. Lily scowled at him. "He didn't really want her back! He just wants her away from Remus! That prat!" She thought to herself. "Sirius, how could you tell us that! They obviously didn't want anyone to know!"
"She can't stay here tonight!" James exclaimed.
Lily rolled her eyes. "We can't carry her and you aren't allowed in the girls dormitory! They are passed out! Nothing is going to happen!"
James scowled. "Fine! I'm going to leave the curtains open so that nothing can really happen."
Lilac rolled her eyes. "Oh please, James! It's not like they are going to take pictures of themselves shagging again!" The girls groaned and Lilac winced. She didn't mean to tell him that. "I shouldn't be allowed to drink! I've got a big mouth!"
"Yeah, you really do." Kevin and Chris said in unison.
Frank laughed. "They really took pictures of that!" He winced when Alice slapped his arm. "What! I was just surprised!"
James made a face. "They took pictures!"
"We never did that!" Sirius exclaimed. His eyes widened when they stared at him in amusement. "Did I just say that out loud?"
Patty rolled her eyes as she hugged Kevin to her. "Yes, you did. And yes, they did. It happened a while ago. What's the big deal?"
"Obviously, you don't have a little sister." James grumbled. "I'm never going to be able to sleep again!"
Lily smiled at him. "It happened a long time ago. You have nothing to worry about. Plus, they were tastefully done." The boys stared at her in shock and she groaned. "I can't drink again! I've got a big mouth too!"
Chris laughed loudly. "You saw the pictures!"
Alice blushed when Frank looked at her. "We found them. We didn't mean to. And, Lily's right. They were tastefully done." The boys smiled. "I've got to say, Remus does look good naked."
Frank gasped as the others laughed. "Excuse me!"
She rolled her eyes and shrugged. "I'm only stating a fact! Plus, you only care because there is a chance that you can see the pictures and see her naked!"
"I think I'm going to be sick." James grunted.
Kevin laughed. "I think, as much as I am loving this conversation, that it is time for bed. We've had too much excitement for one night." They nodded and quickly left.
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Remus and Sam joined their friends at breakfast. They leaned against each other as they filled their plates with food. They had been there for barely a few seconds when James began to speak. "So, you like to take pictures while you shag?"
They spit out their pumpkin juice while the others laughed. "What was that, James?" Sam asked slowly.
James glared at her. "You heard what I said, Sam."
"Yeah and why didn't we ever do that!" Sirius exclaimed. Everyone shook their heads at him and laughed. He sheepishly smiled. "That's not really important right now. Continue, Prongs."
James shook his head and rolled his eyes. "I just can't believe you did that! And to show your friends the pictures…!"
Remus paled. "Y-You showed people…?"
Sam shook her head and nervously laughed. "No, of course not! They wanted to borrow some perfume and went through my things. They found them, I swear! That's all!"
"Don't be too upset, Lupin. Alice thinks you look sexy when you're naked." Frank laughed.
Remus and Alice blushed. "I should have never said that!" Alice muttered.
"Well, I'm glad you liked what you saw." Remus said with a shy smile.
"Ok, but at least tell me that you two didn't shag in our room while I was asleep a few feet away!"
Sam and Remus glared at Sirius, who looked away and started to whistle. "What the hell happened last night? Was it 'Spill Sam and Remus' Sex Secrets' night or something?" Sam groaned.
Chris patted her arm and smiled at her. "We only heard those two things, I promise." She smiled in relief and rested her head on Remus' shoulder. "Did you two really do it in the common room?" Sam and Remus put their faces in their hands and groaned loudly. "It doesn't bother me if you did! I just want to know where so that I never ever sit on the same spot."
"It was right in front of the fire place on the floor." Sirius said automatically.
"Padfoot, haven't you said enough already?" Remus said through gritted teeth.
James groaned and pushed away his plate. "I'm never going to sleep again and now, I can't eat! This is just great!"
Lily rolled her eyes. "Oh please, what they did was perfectly normal and I've got to say, very amusing for us to talk about."
Kevin laughed as Patty kissed his neck lightly. "As long as you didn't shag Snape, I don't care what you do with your boyfriends, Sammy."
The girls and Remus nervously laughed and the others gasped in shock and disgust. "Sammy, ew!" Frank said while shuddering.
"It was after we went out, right?" Chris asked with a sneer.
Kevin pushed away his food and groaned. "I agree with James. I can't eat."
"You didn't really…shag him, did you?" Sirius said with a lot of difficulty.
James gave her a pleading look. "Please, tell me that you didn't do that with him."
Sam looked away from them and stared at Severus. He didn't know what was going on around him at that moment. He was too engrossed in his book. She smiled lightly at the sight of him. "It was the best sixteen hours of my life!"
They all spit out whatever was in their mouths and began to cough loudly. People gave them curious stares but quickly went back to what they were doing. "S-S-ixt-teen h-hours!" Frank sputtered.
She sighed in a dreamy sort of way. "He was so sweet and shy. His hands are surprisingly soft-" She cut herself off by laughing. Sam laughed so hard that tears poured down her face. "We never slept together! I've only ever slept with two people." She took Remus' hand in hers and smiled at him. "And I've loved them with all my heart."
Frank and Kevin wiped away fake tears. "That was so …BEAUTIFUL!" Kevin exclaimed while pretending to cry.
The others laughed. Sam rolled her eyes and threw a roll at him. "My point is that Severus and I don't love each other. That's why I've never slept with him. Sure, we've …kissed but never shagged!"
"You've made out with him?" Frank exclaimed as he pushed his plate away.
"Yes, I have. He is a…good kisser. He is a little inexperienced but it wasn't terrible." Sam saw the evil looks on the boys faced and narrowed her eyes. "You will NOT use that little bit of information against him! I will hex you until the day I die if you do!" The boys reluctantly agreed and they left for class.
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"Do you think that we should get back at Sirius for spilling their secret like that?" Lilac asked Patty as they walked behind the group on their way to class.
Patty laughed. "And who's going to make you pay for doing the same exact thing?"
She rolled her eyes. "That was a mistake! What he did, was deliberate! You know that it was."
"It did seem that way but so what? He made a mistake. They weren't mad at him, just really annoyed and embarrassed. They forgave him."
Lilac sighed. "I think he wants her back."
"Why do you think that?"
"Well, he started a stupid argument with Remus over the use of 'you' and 'we'. He purposely let it slip about how he walked in on them and how they did it in their room while everyone was asleep. I think he did that so James would be pissed at Remus and help him get Remus away from Sam. And, look at him now."
Patty looked at where Lilac was pointing. Sirius pulled Sam away from where she was talking with Remus and Chris and put his arm around her shoulders and whispered in her ear. They smiled and laughed when Sam pushed him away and poked him in the stomach. "Maybe you're right. How are we going to get him back?"
"Why don't we let it slip to the entire school what Sam really thinks of Sirius!"
Her eyes widened. "We can't do that! Think of how embarrassed Sirius would be!"
Lilac laughed like a maniac but quickly stopped when Patty gave her a look. "Sorry, I'm just over excited." Patty rolled her eyes in response. "It would be funny and think of how he humiliated Sam when he broke up with her and immediately started dating Sarah. This would be perfect revenge!"
"Normally, I'd agree with you but I won't help this time. Do what you must but don't come crying to me when it blows up in your face."
Lilac sighed once Patty walked away. She saw how Sirius was trying to make Sam's attention all on him and she sneered. "It would serve him right for what he did to her." She muttered. She saw Bertha Jorkins, Hogwarts' biggest gossip and airhead, walk past and she smiled evilly. "Hey Bertha! Wait up!"
Berth stopped walking and slightly smiled. "Hey Lilac! What can I do for you?"
She grinned. "I've got the biggest gossip! You'll die when you hear this!"
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The boys walked out of D.A.D.A. class and were on their way to lunch. Things seemed to be really off since breakfast. During the course of the day, girls would smile and flirt with Remus and completely ignore Sirius. Remus would have girls flirt with him before but not as much as Sirius or James. Krista Michaels walked past them and winked at Remus. "You're looking very handsome today, Remus."
The boys held in their laughter while Remus blushed slightly. "T-Thank you, Krista."
Sirius smiled at her. "Don't you like the way I look?"
She laughed. "Yeah, you look ok. Not as good as Remus does."
The others held onto each other as they laughed. Sirius' mouth hung open in shock. "What the bloody hell is going on with the girls today?"
Krista rolled her eyes. "Oh please, like you don't know, minute man!"
The boys gasped for air. They were laughing so hard that tears came into their eyes. "You've got to be kidding me!" Sirius exclaimed.
Severus walked past them and smirked at Sirius. Sirius glared. "How does it feel to know that the entire school knows how quick you are to the punch, Black?"
The boys were still laughing but glared at him. "How does it feel to know that the only girl who willingly kissed a greasy git like you thinks you suck at it?" Sirius grunted.
Severus' eyes narrowed before walking away. James laughed. "Sam is going to kill you for that."
A group of girls walked past them and laughed when they looked at Sirius. "Hello Remus." They said in unison.
Remus waved shyly at them as the boys continued to laugh. Sirius' face went to stone. "I'm sorry, Prongs, but I'm going to have to kill your sister!"
"And we want to watch you do that!" Frank laughed.
They walked into the Great Hall and saw the girls eating and laughing. The boys sat next to them and tried their best to hold in their laughter. Sirius glared at Sam. She smiled sweetly at him. "Hello Sirius. Are you just going to stand there or are you going to eat?"
He was beyond angry at her and started to yell in a high pitched voice. "How can you say that!"
Sam winced at the sound. "You do realize that only dogs could understand that, don't you?"
Sirius was fuming. "How could you! How could you say that!"
"What are you talking about!"
"I'm the minute man! How could you tell the whole school that I was the minute man!"
The girls joined the boys in laughing. Sam was shocked. "I-I didn't tell anyone except…" She looked at Lilac and shook her head while trying to keep in her laughter. "Lilac, how could you?"
Lilac blushed. "I'm sorry?"
Sirius grabbed Sam and threw her over his shoulder. "I'm going to prove you wrong!"
Sam's eyes widened in surprise. "Sirius let me down!"
"Not until you learn your lesson!"
He walked out of the Great Hall with her struggling on his shoulder. She looked at her friends pleadingly but they were too busy laughing to help her. "Sirius, I'm sorry! I didn't think anyone would find out! Let me go!"
They were almost at the portrait hole when they ran into Professor Dumbledore. "Having fun, Sirius?"
Sirius gulped and quickly put Sam down. "H-Hello, sir."
Sam smiled brightly at Professor Dumbledore. "Thank you for coming to my rescue, sir." She quickly ran away.
Dumbledore smiled at Sirius. "Is there something troubling you, Sirius?"
He bit the inside of his cheek. It was obvious to him that Dumbledore heard the rumors. "No, sir. I was just going to have a friendly chat with Sam."
Dumbledore continued to smile but something in his eyes made Sirius realize that something changed. "She's been through a lot lately. Just keep that in mind when you do have that chat with her." He walked away and Sirius sighed.
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Sirius and Sarah walked down the hallway, hand in hand. He was feeling really annoyed. He was annoyed at Sam and Sarah was being too clingy…again. He wished that he never got back together with her but he made that decision and would have to deal with it. Sam came running up to them and sheepishly smiled. He was happy to see her so that it would distract Sarah's attention away from him but he was also pissed as hell. "Hello Sirius. Hello Bit-Sarah." Sirius' mouth twitched a smile.
"Come to spread more false rumors about my boyfriend?" Sarah sneered.
Sam rolled her eyes. "No, I haven't. I was just wondering if I could talk to Sirius after dinner, in private."
Sirius shrugged. "Why wait? Let's talk now." He really wanted to get away from Sarah.
She laughed. "Sirius, it can wait. You are spending time with Sarah. We can talk later."
"If it's important, we should talk immediately." He really hoped that she understood his meaning.
Sam smiled. "It can wait. Sarah, is it alright with you if I talk to Sirius alone after dinner?"
Sarah blinked. "I-I guess that would be fine."
Her smiled widened. "Are you free after dinner?" He nodded. "Great! I'll see you then!"
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Sirius waited anxiously for dinner to be over. He imagined how the conversation with Sam would go. She would apologize for ever saying he was a minute man and that she really meant that Moony was that. She would beg him to come back to her and he would dump Sarah in a heart beat so that he could be with Sam. He led Sam up to his room and put the silencing charm. He slightly smiled when she awkwardly sat down next to him on his bed. "What did you want to talk to me about?"
Sam sighed. She was feeling nervous as hell being there alone with him. "I wanted to apologize for the minute man comment."
His heart leapt. This was how he pictured their conversation would start. "So, you don't really think that about me?"
She winced. "Well…actually, I did."
"What!"
"D-Don't get me wrong, we had some great times doing…that but you did have a tendency to be rather quick sometimes. Remus would sometimes do the same thing but he would usually take his time."
Sirius felt sick. "He was the best, wasn't he?"
Sam shrugged. "I told the girls that you were both the best but you two were very different. It's hard to make a decision like that. I love you both and you two were very…good. I should have never called you that and I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I have already told Bertha Jorkins to tell everyone that you two were both amazing, if that helps."
He shrugged. "It does a little. I still can't believe that you think of me like that."
Sam groaned. "I don't! Not really anyway. Sirius, you are good. So is Remus. You aren't a minute man."
"Ok, I can forgive you."
She shyly smiled. "There's something else that we have to talk about."
He let out a loud groan. "If you're going to tell me that Snivellus is better at kissing than I am, I don't want to hear it!"
Sam let out a loud laugh. "No, I wasn't! You win that contest hands down!"
Sirius sighed in relief. "Thank you for that. What else do you want to talk about?"
"I give up."
"What?"
She sighed and stood up. "You win and I'm giving up."
He looked at her closely. "Sam, what are you talking about?"
Sam looked at him and sadly smiled. "You and me. It took me close to seven years and a trip to the mental ward to realize what you've been saying was right. I've realized that I have acted in the wrong and I'm sorry."
"You've made mistakes. I can't blame you for that."
"I've treated you badly since we broke up. What you did…cheating on me, treating me like garbage when we were together and what you said when you dumped me, was painful and humiliating." He looked away from her. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I just want you to know how I feel."
Sirius sat her down and held her hand. "I'm sorry for that. I really am. You didn't deserve what I did to you. That's what I wanted to talk to you about last night. I wanted to apologize and-"
"Sirius, wait! This is really hard for me to say and I need to get it all out before I lose my nerve." He nodded. "When no one knew about us, we seemed to be happy together."
"We were happy."
She nodded. "But then I had to push. I needed everyone to know about us despite the fact that you weren't ready." Sirius opened his mouth to argue but she stopped him. "Let me finish, ok?" He agreed. "Once everyone knew, you became withdrawn. You started acting so weird and that made me doubt myself…I'm sorry. I honestly am not putting this all on you. That wouldn't be fair. I knew something was wrong but I was too scared at the thought of losing you to say anything."
Sirius sighed. "I'm sorry that I made you feel that way."
Sam squeezed his hand. "It's ok…when I was at St. Mungo's; I realized how unfair I was to you. I knew that you never loved me and I selfishly begged you to stay. That was wrong of me. I treated you like crap because you had the guts to be honest with me. I shouldn't have done that. I've come to the conclusion, while I was at St. Mungo's, that trying to make you feel something that was never truly there was wrong. So, I'm giving up on trying to make you love me. A part of me will always love you but I just have to stop."
Sirius was in complete shock. This isn't what he wanted at all. "What? Why are you going to do that?"
Sam bit her lip. "People like me wind up in the asylum if they can't let things go. For my sanity, I have to let you go. I can't waste any more of my time loving someone that will never feel the same way. It's not fair to you or to me. I just wanted you to know that I'm letting you off the hook. I'm trying to free myself. I've been in love with you since I was ten and it took me so long to realize that you will never feel the same way. So, I'm giving up on the fantasy that we will be together. You don't have to worry about this anymore."
He was silent. He didn't want her to give up on them. He wanted her back. "Sam, you can't mean this." He finally managed to say.
She smiled brightly. "I do! This is exactly what you wanted! I won't bother you again about this. Your letter helped me find the strength to say all of this."
"Did you even read my letter?"
She laughed. "Of course I did! I understood what you meant. How you missed how we used to be. How close we once were. How you just want to be my friend. I want that too. I want us to be friends again."
"I want us to be close again but-"
"This is terrific! I'm so glad that we can start over again!" She hugged him. "What did you want to tell me?"
Sirius inwardly groaned. "Don't worry about it. It was…nothing important."
"Can I ask you a favor?"
"Sure you can."
She blushed. "Can I have one last kiss before we become friends again?"
He smiled brightly. "Of course." Sam leaned in and kissed him. He held her closely and deepened the kiss. He ran his fingers through her hair before trying to put his hands under her shirt. She stopped him. "What's the matter?"
Sam smiled. "I said a last kiss, not a last shag." She hugged him briefly before walking to the door. "Goodnight, Sirius. I'm glad we can be friends again."
Sirius groaned after she left. "I'm the biggest git!"
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Sirius was in a complete daze the next day at breakfast. He glared at his food like it was his sworn enemy. Sam was giving up on him and there was nothing he could do to change her mind. He saw her laughing with her friends over something Chris said and he scowled. She should be with him. She should not be giving up. If he wasn't such an ass, this would never be happening. "Sirius?"
He looked up and slightly smiled. "Yes, Lily?"
Lily sighed. "How are you holding up?"
"You know what happened?"
She nodded slowly. "Sam told me after she left you."
Sirius glared at her. "I bet it made you really happy."
"Sirius, that's a lie! You know that I didn't want things to work out this way! I believed, like everyone else, that you two are meant to be together. I had no idea that she would just give up on you like that."
He slightly shrugged. "Well, she did. It's all my fault. If I wasn't a coward, she would still be with me right now."
"That might be true." Lily gave him a sad smile. "Maybe it's for the best."
"What!"
She sighed. "Maybe you two need some time away from each other like this. It could be the best thing to happen. You need to make sure that what you are feeling is true. She needs a break from being in love with you. Things will work out, hopefully. You've just got to believe that."
Sirius sighed and stabbed his eggs with his fork. "How can I? I had a chance to be with her and I blew it because of fear. I'm not scared of anything but when I was dating her, I was a complete ponce! This isn't me, Lily. I'm better than this! I'm not the type of person to let fear win. I would do anything for the people I love but I couldn't be the person she wanted me to be."
"She wanted you to just be you."
"I couldn't do that. I was so…stupid! I kept bringing up things that I knew I wasn't ready for because I thought that was what she wanted. I got in way over my head and blamed it all on her. No wonder she hates me."
Lily lightly smiled. "She doesn't hate you anymore. She wants you in her life again."
"She said that I would make her go insane if she didn't stop loving me."
"No, she didn't. She said that if she didn't let go of the past that she would go insane. People with her condition are sensitive to that. If she doesn't try to let go, we'd never see her again. Sam would be locked away in a padded room for the rest of her life. We don't want that to happen. Give her time to realize that you still and always will love her. You've made mistakes, terrible mistakes, when it comes to her. This is your time to show her the truth. Show her that you respect her feelings and just be her friend for awhile. Use this time to make sure you are truly ready to be with only her."
He smiled. "When did you become so smart?"
She pretended to think about this. "1960." He let out a loud laugh.
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Sam and Remus walked outside in the snow. She said that she wanted to speak with him but she had yet to utter a word. He smiled when they sat down on an old tree stump. "Sam, what did you want to talk about?"
"I wanted to apologize for how I've treated you."
"You already did that."
She sighed. "I know I did but I had to do it again. I have to learn to forgive and forget. I have to learn to let things go. When I was in the hospital, I was forced to see a counselor. He made me realize that bottling up all my pain was unhealthy. He said that I had to speak with the people I love most and forgive them for their mistakes. I have to ask for their forgiveness as well. I'm sorry, Remus. I'm sorry for not telling you right away that I thought I was pregnant. I'm sorry I hurt you when Sirius kissed me. I'm sorry that my distrust of our relationship caused you to cheat. I'm sorry for everything. Can you ever forgive me?"
He looked at her like she was crazy. "Are you mad!"
"What!"
"Sam, you are apologizing for things that weren't your fault. Yes, you should have talked to me right away when you thought you were pregnant. I can and have forgiven you for that." He sighed. "I chose to cheat on you. Sirius chose to interfere in our relationship. Those things weren't your fault. You had no idea that they would happen."
Sam's lip trembled. "I'm sorry that I gave up on you. I'm sorry that I called you that disgusting name."
Remus held her hand and smiled. "I know you are. I'm sorry that I made you give up on me."
She hugged him tightly. "I wish that I never broke up with you."
He held on to her. "So do I. It was for the best. We needed time apart. I needed to realize that my feelings for Hannah were just a passing fancy. You needed to realize that you are stronger than your love for Sirius."
She looked at him closely. "Remus, were we ever truly friends before we got together?"
Remus was shocked by her question. "Of course we were! Why would you ask something like that?"
"Do you remember when we first met?" He nodded slowly. "My first year at Hogwarts I sat with James, you, Sirius, and Peter on the train. James would write to me and tell me all about his friends at school. When I met you, I thought you were so cute!"
"You did!" He blushed and laughed. "I thought you were mad about Sirius then?"
She smiled. "I was. He was the first person I met. Now, tell me, if you were me and alone with your older brother and Sirius, who would you choose to have a crush on?"
Remus laughed out loud. "I see your point. You really thought I was cute?"
Sam bit her lip and nodded. "I did. I saw this shy boy who would blush every time I would speak to him. That made you stand out to me."
"I highly doubt that I stood out to you in front of Sirius."
She smiled when he blushed. "You stood out to me. I wanted to get to know that boy who was so shy about the attention that I gave him. I would ask for your help with my homework just so we could talk."
He blushed. "You really did that?"
"I did. Didn't you ever wonder why I asked you for help when I knew the answers?"
"I did. I just thought that you wanted information about Sirius."
"I wanted to get to know you better. I'm so glad that I had that chance." Sam lightly laughed. "When I accidentally kissed you in my second year, I was so surprised that I actually did it. I never thought that I would do something like that. At that time, I had this big crush on you but I didn't know you felt the same way."
Remus wrapped an arm around her when she shivered. "I didn't want anyone to know. James and Sirius made it clear that you were too young for me at that time. They were right. Plus, all you would talk about was your undying love for Sirius."
Sam laughed. "I was such a stupid git. I was such a drama queen about everything." She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed. "Then Patrick came into my life. He turned everything upside down for me. Here was this older boy who was interested in me and cared about what I thought about. An added plus was that he wasn't one of James' best friends." Remus laughed. "He would say all that the right things but for the wrong reasons and I fell hook, line, and sinker. It took you and only you to help bring me back."
He smiled. "I don't know about that."
"It was you, Remus. You knew he was wrong for me and showed me how you felt. That night you and Sirius found me with Patrick, you let your guard down. You opened up an unknown world for me. You showed me real and true love. I never felt as comfortable with anyone as I was with you."
"What about Sirius?"
She shrugged. "I was comfortable with him when we were friends. When we got together, I changed. I became what I thought he wanted me to be. I couldn't say I love you too much. I couldn't hug him whenever I felt like it. I felt like I couldn't be myself. When I was with you, I was never afraid to be me."
Remus looked at her closely and sighed. "Why didn't you ever tell him?"
"I was afraid of losing him. I did though."
"Do you regret…?" He trailed off.
Sam snuggled closer to him. "Do you want to know what I really regret?" He nodded. "I regret falling for him when we first met. I regret that you weren't the first one I met. I regret letting you go. We may have needed to break up but being with you was the best thing that I've ever done."
"Do you want to get back together with me?"
"That would be amazing but we can't. We may still love each other but we've already moved on. I'd like us to be friends though."
He smiled at her. "So would I. Can we have one last kiss?"
She laughed. "We'd better have more than one last kiss! I enjoy kissing you. I enjoy sleeping with you. I enjoy being with you."
"But you don't want to get back together?"
"I do but we had our time together. We can still…kiss occasionally. That wouldn't be the worst thing."
Remus laughed before kissing her. They held onto each other tightly and deepened the kiss. "I love you, Sam." He whispered.
Sam touched his cheek and smiled. "I love you too, Moony." They kissed again but were soon interrupted when a snow ball hit them.
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Sirius, James, Lily, and Peter walked around in the snow. They stopped and started throwing snowballs at each other. Sirius froze when he saw Sam and Remus kissing. They stopped for a brief moment before kissing again. He had an overwhelming urge to hit Remus at that moment. "Hey Lily!" He yelled.
Lily ran over to him, laughing. "What is it?"
"Take the blame for what I'm about to do."
Before she had a chance to reply, Sirius fired a snowball at Sam and Remus. They broke apart and glared in their direction. "Lily, what did you do!" Sirius yelled loudly.
"Sirius, I'm going to kill you for that!" Sam yelled. She ran over to him and tackled him to the ground. He laughed when she started tickling him. "How could you think that we would ever believe that Lily would do that!"
Sirius rolled her onto her back and started tickling her. She laughed as she wriggled around in the snow. "I thought it would be funny! You should have seen the look on your faces!"
He stopped tickling her and her laughing slowed down. "You're such a prat." She said with a smiled. He closed his eyes and started to lean in. Her eyes widened in surprise and rolled out from underneath him.
Sirius' head hit the snow and he sighed. He rolled onto his back and inwardly groaned when he saw her hugging Remus. He felt snow hit his crotch. "What the hell was that for, Prongs!"
The others laughed. "It looked like you needed to cool off." James said with a bright smile.
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"Am I crazy?"
Lily looked up and laughed. "Yes, you are."
Sam rolled her eyes. "I'm serious. Am I crazy?"
She sighed as she stared at her best friend. "Why are you asking me this?"
"I don't know. It's just that Remus and I broke up almost a year ago but we still can't seem to stop loving each other. We still kiss and occasionally sleep together but we aren't together anymore. Sirius and I broke up and after I told him that I was giving up on him finally, he tries to kiss me. Am I crazy because I can't seem to let them go?"
Lily smiled at her encouragingly. "Remus was a big part of your life for a long time. You have been in love with Sirius since you were ten. It's normal to not be able to let them go. It will happen eventually."
Sam sighed. "Do you think Sirius was a rebound relationship?"
"No, I don't. I think it wasn't time for you two to get together. You loved each other very much but you weren't prepared to be together yet. You've known each other for a long time and were comfortable with being around one another. It was no rebound relationship."
She groaned loudly. "I hate this! I hate being in love with someone who will never feel the same way about me. I wish I could go back in time and prevent myself from falling in love with Sirius. Why did I have to meet him first? Why couldn't it have been Remus?"
She looked at her closely. "Do you want to get back together with him?"
Sam shrugged. "A part of me does. I've always felt at home with Remus. He always made me feel at peace. I don't know why but he always had that effect on me. I know it's over between us but I can't help but wonder if I he may be really the one for me. Maybe I've had it all wrong. Maybe Sirius was just a passing fancy and Remus is the one."
Lily was surprised as hell by Sam's thoughts. "Do you really think that? What about that dream you had the night before you met Sirius?"
"I don't know, Lily. The two of them have invaded my mind since I was ten and twelve. They've been in my life and my heart for so long and I don't know what to do anymore."
She smiled. "Just give it sometime, Sammy. Everything will make sense soon enough."
Sam hugged Lily. "I don't know what I would do without you, Lily. I'm sorry that I said that awful thing to you and stopped being friends with you. You mean so much to me. Even before you got together with James, I always thought of you as my sister."
Lily lightly laughed. "It's ok, Sam. I know you didn't mean it. I'm glad that we are friends again too. You've been more of a sister to me than my own. At least you don't think that I'm a freak."
"No offense but you're sister is a prat!" Lily laughed. "If I ever met her, I'll tell her so."
"I'd love to see that."
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The group was walking back to the common room after dinner. Sam held Remus' hand and whispered in his ear. "I have to go to Dumbledore's office. I'm supposed to meet with that counselor from St. Mungo's."
Remus nodded. "Do you want me to go with you?"
Sam smiled. "You don't have to."
"I want to."
She looked at everyone and sighed. "I have to go see Professor Dumbledore. I'll see you all later."
"Is everything alright?" Lilac asked. "Does this have anything to do with your heart condition?"
Sam shifted uncomfortably. She didn't like hiding things from her friends but James, Lily, Sirius, and Remus were the only ones that she truly trusted to know about her condition. "Yes, it does. He just wants to make sure that I'm taking my medication and that I'm alright. There's no need to worry."
James looked at her closely. She didn't tell him about her counseling sessions. She didn't want to worry him anymore than he already had. Only Remus knew about them. "Do you want us to walk you?"
Remus held her hand tightly. "You don't have to. I'm going to take her. We'll be back soon enough." They quickly left them behind and walked up the staircase to Professor Dumbledore's office. He gave her a quick kiss and a hug. "I'll wait for you out here if you want."
Sam blushed and smiled. "I'll be fine. I'll meet you later." He nodded and left. She took a deep breath before walking into the office.
A dark haired young man around his early twenties looked up and smiled at her. "Hello Sam."
Professor Dumbledore smiled at her. "Samantha, we've been wondering when you would turn up."
She blushed. "Is it wrong to think that my counselor is hot?" She thought to herself. "Hello Professor. Hello Dr. Roberts. I'm sorry I took so long. It was hard to get away from my friends."
"It's quite alright. As long as you are here now." Dumbledore said. "I'll leave you two alone."
Dr. Roberts smiled brightly when she sat down across from him. "Tell me how your first week back has been going."
Sam's blush grew deeper and she shrugged deeply. "It's been going ok, I guess." She told him every single detail of her first week. "Dr. Roberts, I'm confused."
He nodded slowly. "Why?"
"It feels like I don't know who I am anymore. I've never truly been myself, you know? I've always been somebody's something. I've been Harold and Evelyn Potter's only daughter. James Potter's little sister. Lily Evan's best friend. Remus Lupin and Sirius Black's girlfriend and now, ex-girlfriend. I've never been just me. Does that make any sense?"
Dr. Roberts smiled and she sighed dreamily at the sight. "It's normal for someone who has been through a traumatic event to have an identity crisis. You don't have to worry, Sam. That's why I'm glad you've decided to continue these sessions with me. When you were admitted to the hospital, you were in a delusional state. You weren't aware of your surroundings and you couldn't recognize anyone except your brother. After a couple of days, you seemed to have calmed down. I think these sessions with me will help you get back a sense of yourself. We've talked about your relationship with your family and Lily. Why don't we talk about Remus and Sirius for a bit tonight?"
Sam groaned. "I don't mind talking about Remus. I just don't want to talk about Sirius."
Dr. Roberts lightly laughed. "Why don't you want to talk about Sirius?"
She shrugged. "It hurts too much to think about him let alone talk about him."
He eyed her closely. "Why is it easier to talk about Remus instead of Sirius?"
"Remus…he never made me believe in something that was false. He kind of always told me the truth even when he knew it would hurt. We would still be together if it wasn't for Sirius."
"Why do you say that?"
Sam told him about their break up in her fourth year and how Sirius caused it. She told him about parts of their relationship and about that day's talk. She didn't realize it but she briefly went into her complicated relationship with Sirius. "Now, you know everything."
Dr. Roberts rubbed his eyes and sighed. "Sirius and Remus have been a big part of your life." She nodded slowly. "It seems to me, after everything you've said tonight, that Sirius has meddled in every relationship you've had." She nodded eagerly. "Sirius has always been in love with you, Samantha. He just doesn't know how to express it."
She glared at him. "How can you say that! Were you even listening to me! The way he treated me and broke up with me and you think he loves me? Are you sure that you aren't the crazy one!"
He laughed. "I'm not crazy, Sam. After you told him that you were giving up on him, what did he do?"
"He didn't do much of anything. He did try to kiss me today but I quickly moved out of the way."
"And that doesn't prove to you that he loves you?"
Sam shook her head. "No, it doesn't. It just shows that Sirius is up to his old tricks again. He saw me kissing Remus and hated the fact that all my attention wasn't on him. He doesn't love me but he wants me to love no one except him. It's my fourth year all over again."
"You still love him after everything he's done, don't you?"
She nodded and glared. "I do but I don't know why. He has caused me nothing but pain and I still would do anything to have him come back. What's wrong with me? Why can't Remus be the one for me! Why does it have to be Sirius!"
Dr. Roberts smiled gently at her. "We can't choose the people that we are meant to be with. You and Sirius are meant to be."
She groaned. "I'm so sick of hearing that! We aren't meant to be! He doesn't love me!"
"I take it that you've heard that a lot."
Sam laughed. "I've heard it and said it so many times that I'm surprised it isn't on a pillow by now."
He laughed. "Why are you fighting it?"
"Because he said he never really loved me. He called me a spoiled brat that whines if she doesn't get her way. He called me a whore! If someone you love said all this to you, wouldn't you want to fight against it?"
"I would. Samantha, we've talked about this. You have to let go of the past and try to move on."
"I've been trying to. I've had a talk with Remus and Sirius. I even had a brief chat with Lily."
Dr. Roberts nodded slowly. "Tell me about your chat with Lily."
"There isn't much to tell actually. We talked about Remus and Sirius. I apologized again for calling her that name. She forgave me."
She brushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear and he saw the bruises on her wrists. "You still have the bruises from the restraints?" She nodded. "Have your friends seen them?"
"No, they haven't. I've hidden them rather well. There would be too many questions if they saw them."
"I understand." He sighed. "I have an assignment for you."
Sam groaned. "I get homework! You aren't supposed to get homework in counseling!"
Dr. Roberts laughed. "This is homework for the soul." She gave him a look and rolled her eyes. "I want you to continue the chats you've been having with your friends. It will help you let go."
She let out a sigh of relief. "That doesn't sound too hard."
"I'm not finished giving you your assignment."
"Of course you're not."
He smiled. "The next part of your assignment, you might not like." She looked up with interest. "I want you to spend the next week with Sirius." She opened her mouth to argue but he stopped her. "Let me finish, ok?" She grumbled and reluctantly nodded. "Try and become his friend again. This will help you, I promise. Try to remember how he acts around you and record it."
"Do I have to?"
"Yes, you do. You want to get better and get your like back on track?" She nodded slowly. "This will help you. It will help you try to forgive him for what he has done and said to you. Get to know him again." She sighed. "Samantha, I'm not saying this to hurt you. I want you to get better. I want you to be able to live like a normal girl again."
Sam looked at him closely. "Is this pay back for that love note I sent you? I only did it because I was…in a delusional state! I never meant it!"
Dr. Roberts laughed and blushed slightly. She swooned. "No, it isn't payback. I would never do that to you. The love note was sweet. People in recovery tend to grow attachments to their healers. They let themselves believe that they have crushes on them when in actuality, they wouldn't notice them otherwise."
"I would have noticed you regardless. You're hot!" Her eyes widened in shock. His blush deepened. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I-I mean, you are attractive and I would be honored if I had a chance with you-" Sam stopped herself and groaned. "Why am I allowed to speak? Can we just forget that little outburst of mine?"
He smiled. "It's completely forgotten." She sighed in relief. "You may go. I'll see you the same time next week."
Sam jumped up quickly. "Have a good week, Dr. Roberts. I am really sorry about that."
Dr. Roberts nodded and smiled. "It's quite alright. Just remember the assignments." She nodded and left.
"How is she doing?"
He jumped out of his seat and smiled at Dumbledore. "She seems to be fine. She still has a lot of anger to work through but she will."
Dumbledore smiled knowingly at him. "Samantha seems to have grown a fondness towards you."
Dr. Roberts shrugged slightly and blushed. "Patients seem to grow attachments to their healers. It's very normal and nothing I can't handle. She's a good person that seems to be going through a tough time."
He nodded and sat behind his desk. "Samantha is a very special young woman. She has incredible talents. With sometime, I believe, she will be fine."
"I have scheduled another appointment with her for the same time next week."
"That's good. These sessions will help her." Dumbledore continued to smile and eyed him closely. "She seems to trust you, Andrew. I hope for her sake that she can."
Andrew nodded. "Of course she can. I would never betray her trust."
"That's good to know. I'll see you next week, Andrew." He nodded and quickly left. Dumbledore lightly laughed to himself. "A very interesting development."