Chapter 35: If I Stay or If I Go
Alice's POV
Mom and I were making breakfast for when everyone got up. Every morning we would do this seeing as we were the first ones up. We would make bets on who we would see first.
"I bet that Emmett is the first one to come through those doors." I said.
"No way, he didn't go to bed til about three in the morning. It's going to be Rosalie." She said.
To our surprise Edward walked through the doors in his pajama pants and messy bronze colored hair. He looked exhausted as he shuffled over to the island and sat down.
"Coffee?" Esme asked.
"Please." He said.
Esme poured him a cup and slid it over to him.
"How was your first night with the baby?" I asked.
"Fine." Is all he said.
"How many times did she wake you up?" I asked.
"You have to be asleep to be woken up." He said.
"You didn't sleep?" Esme asked.
He shook his head, "Nope."
"Why not?" She asked.
He shrugged.
Esme and I looked at each other.
"Edward, you have to sleep." Esme said.
"I can't sleep in that room. It's haunted now." He whispered.
It killed me to see my brother hurting so badly, I walked around the island and over to him rubbing his back.
Edward's POV
Two Days Later
I walked into the hospital room; I walked over to the wall where her chart was. I took it out and flipped through the pages and saw that there were no changes. There was still brain activity so that was a good sign, but as a doctor I knew that it could go south at any time. I walked over to the bed and set Carlie's car seat down.
"There's someone I would like you to meet Bella." I started.
I gently unstrapped Carlie and held her in my arms.
"I would like you to meet Carlie Rose Cullen, our daughter. She just had a check up, and I filled out the birth certificate so she has a name now. Her check up went good, the lungs look good. They said her weight is a little under what they would like it to be, but if we get it up she will be a healthy baby." I told her.
Carlie cooed in my arms.
"She needs you Bella. Sure she has me, and I love her, I do. But I really need you to come back. I can't do this alone, with or without my family." I whispered.
I looked around the room; she was still in the same room. The curtains were open so the sunlight could shine in. She was also in a private room which I knew was Carlisle's doing, but I was happy for this.
"It's been a whole week without you. I haven't slept well in ages, our room is not the same without you and I hate sleeping alone. I stay the nursery most of the time; I guess a part of me is afraid of losing Carlie too. So I just sit in the rocking chair with her in my arms. The family says I am a robot, they say I never smile anymore. How can I smile when the light of my life is hooked up to machines fighting to keep her life?" I asked.
I shook my head.
"I just wanted to stop by after the appointment, and to tell you that I want you to stay. Not that I haven't said that a million times. I love you Bella, I have to get our daughter back home for her nap." I said.
Bella's POV
My eyes shot open.
Where was I?
I sat up and looked around, this room looked familiar. I stood up and carefully walked around the room. This room, this room was my room at grandma Swans! I walked into the hallway and down the stairs. I smelt the familiar smell of her homemade cookies with chocolate chips in them.
"Grandma?" I asked.
"Oh! Bella! I was told you'd be here." She said.
"Grandma, I don't understand." I said.
"You will dear, when the time comes." She smiled.
"Where's Edward?" I asked.
"Not here dear." She said.
I placed my hands on my stomach.
"The baby?! Where is my baby?!" I asked alarmed.
"She is perfectly fine." Grandma said.
"Why am I here?" I asked.
She walked over to the table I was now sitting at even though I do not remember sitting down. She placed a freshly baked plate of cookies in front of me. She smiled sitting down in front of me.
"How is your father?" She asked.
"He is fine." I said.
"Is your mother still with Phil?" She asked.
"Yes." I said.
She nodded; she began to go on about how she wished that they could have worked it out. I was trying my hardest to concentrate and listen to her stories but all I wanted to know was why I was here.
Edward's POV
Renee and Phil pulled some strings so they were able to have a little more time here. Esme worked her magic and pulled off a super fast dinner tonight for everyone. I was sitting at the table listening to Phil and Renee talk about their jobs in Florida and how things were good for them. I played with my food thinking that no one was paying attention to me, but that was wishful thinking. I was the center of everyone's attention all day every day, and to tell the truth I was getting quiet sick of it.
"Edward, are you going to eat?" Esme asked.
"Not hungry." I said.
"Edward, you have to eat. You aren't sleeping, that's bad enough." Alice interjected.
"I'm not hungry." I repeated.
"Edward-"
"I SAID I WASN'T HUNGRY! OKAY?!" I screamed.
There was a cry from the baby monitor. I looked at it before pushing my chair back roughly and storming out of the room. I sprinted up the stairs and walked into the nursery and picked Carlie up.
"Shh, daddy's here." I cooed.
I rocked her back and forth while I made her a bottle; I walked over to the rocking chair and sat down. There was a knock on the door; I looked up to see Carlisle standing there.
"I'll apologize later." I huffed.
"I'm not up here for that." He said.
I didn't say anything.
"I came to see if you were okay." He told me.
"How can I be okay when everyone is watching me like a freaking hawk?" I asked.
"They're just worried." He said.
"About what? My DID coming back?" I asked.
"That, and if you are really okay." He said.
"My wife is in a coma and may not come out of it, how in the world do they expect me to be okay?" I asked.
"We just hate seeing you like this, and I hope you know you can come to any one of us to talk if you need too." He said.
"I know," I said. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." He said smiling.
One Week and Five days
I laughed as Grandma showed me pictures of dad when he was little.
"Did he seriously think his hair looked good like that?!" I asked.
"He did, he told me that it was "totally in" at school." She said.
"That's great." I said.
"How about we bake some cookies?" She asked.
So we headed to the kitchen to bake cookies like we would when I was a little kid. I didn't want this to end; the one thing I always missed when Grandma Swan passed was baking with her when I was visiting dad.
"I don't want this to end Grandma, I've missed you." I told her.
"I've missed you too dear, and you know, you don't have to leave." She said.
"What do you mean?"I asked.
"You could stay; choose to stay here opposed to going back." She said smiling as if it was the easiest decision to make.
"I don't know Grandma, I have a family." I said.
"And I didn't?" She asked.
She had a point.
"Grandma?" I said.
"Yes?" She said looking at me.
"I think I want to stay."
Edward's POV
"I left Carlie at the nursery so I could have some time with you. I'm sure the nurses won't mind." I told Bella.
"You need to wake up; it's been almost two weeks." I told her.
I grabbed her hand and kissed it, all of a sudden the machines started to beep.
"Bella?!" I gasped.
I ran over and hit the emergency button on the wall. Nurses and doctors rushed into the room, I knew the drill so I stood by the wall as they worked on getting her tubes out and put one of those bags you squeeze in place of it.
"Someone page Dr. Cullen!" A doctor shouted.
"He's in the middle of a delivery at the moment!" A nurse said.
"I need him here now!" He shouted.
I watched the nurse run out only to run back in a few minutes later.
"He can't leave!" She said.
I watched as the doctor started compressions, he was doing it all wrong.
"Excuse me, are you fully trained?!" I asked.
"No! I'm only a med student." He said.
I looked at Bella, then the door, back at Bella. I growled and went to the sink washing my hands; I dried them off before pushing him out of the way. I took over compressions while calling of medication to the nurses.
"Dr. Cullen, there are rules!" One of the nurses scolded.
"Screw the fucking rules, I'm not about to let my wife die because someone isn't properly trained to do something." I said, it was a little hard to talk because I become out of breath after a while.
All of a sudden she flat lined.
"BELLA!" I screamed.
"I NEED PADDLES NOW!" I screamed at the nurse.
She rushed over and dragged the cart over, I told her what to charge it too as she handed them to me. I tore Bella's gown open and charged the paddles before shocking her. Her whole body flew off the gurney before crashing back down.
Nothing.
"AGAIN!" I said.
I shocked Bella again.
Nothing.
"Damn it Bella don't do this!" I screamed.
Bella's POV
I looked at Grandma Swan who had her arms out, and I somehow knew that once I hugged her that it meant that my life would be over. I took a deep breath and began to walk forward. I wondered if it would be a painless experience, a quick one also. I smiled at her as I got closer; she just waited with open arms. I was about to hug her when I heard another voice.
"Mom?"
I stopped and turned around.
There standing in front of me was a girl, about 16 years of age. She had chocolate brown eyes, bronze colored hair, and facial features that resembled Edward.
"Momma?"
She walked over to me slowly; I seemed to be frozen where I stood.
"Carlie?" I asked.
"It's me mom." She said smiling.
"I don't understand." I said.
"Please don't go mom." She begged.
"But-"
She walked closer to me so I could a better look.
"Where's your father? Why are you here?" I asked.
I feared that meant that when she was a teenager that she died as well. I suddenly felt guilty for leaving Edward alone to handle me dying, then Carlie when she was a teen.
"Dad passed away a couple months after you did mom."She said with a saddened expression.
"What?!" I gasped.
"Grandma and Grandpa, who raised me, said that it was just too hard for him to handle. His DID came back, and then he ended up committing suicide by overdosing on pills." She said.
I shook my head, that wasn't like Edward! He would never kill himself! I looked back at Grandma and then at Carlie unsure of what to do.
"If, if I stay does he survive?!" I asked.
"Yes." She said.
"And you? You aren't dead?" I asked.
"No, I am completely healthy." She said.
I looked back at Grandma who still had her arms open waiting for me.
Only, I wasn't sure if I was going with her anymore.
Edwards POV
"Edward!"
I looked over still doing chest compressions; we were still trying to get her to stabilize.
"I know, this is illegal, but I couldn't wait! I had to help her! Dad she's dying!" I said trying not to lose it, although I wasn't positive that I already hadn't.
"I know." He said getting washed up.
He walked over to me; I kept doing compressions until he gave me this look of saying that he had it from here. I did a few more before stepping away from Bella. I watched as he tried shocking her again only this time ordering some drugs for the nurses to try.
…
"We got her stable." Carlisle said walking into the waiting room.
I stood up.
"What does this mean for her?" I asked.
"Edward, I don't want to say this, but if she doesn't wake up on her own in the next few days you may want to start to think about removing her off life support." He said grimly.
"WHAT?! No! I am not doing that!" I objected.
"Edward, her brain activity is dwindling every day. She may not be here anymore." He said.
I looked at him, growled, and then punched a hole in the wall.
"Why is this happening?!" I screamed.
Carlisle came over to me and grabbed onto my shoulders.
"Edward listen to me! Things will get better! This is Bella we are talking about! She could pull through! I'm just letting you know what can happen." He told me.
"I know, I know, believe me I know. I just hate that this is how things are going." I said.
"We all do." He said.
Two Days Later - - Two Weeks
"It's been two weeks." Alice said.
"I know." I said.
We were both standing next to Bella's bed.
"You think she'll pull though?" I asked.
"I know she will." Alice said.
I looked at her; she gave me a small smile and took my hand.
"You're the godmother." I said out of nowhere.
She snapped her head to look at me.
"Yeah, Jasper is the godfather." I said.
"Oh Edward thank you!" She said hugging me.
I smiled a little bit and hugged her back.
"It's good to see you do that." She whispered.
"Do what?" I asked.
"Smile, even if it was a little one." She said.
"I know. I haven't been Mr. Sunshine lately." I told her.
"In all honesty, who would be?" She asked.
…
I sat there for a good hour; I had her chart in front of me, a cup of coffee, and past cases like hers. What should I do? I took a sip of coffee as one of Bella's nurses walked in to do lunch rounds.
"How are we today Dr. Cullen?" Samantha asked.
"Okay, you?" I asked.
"Doing good." She said.
I watched as she checked her vitals, blood pressure, and everything else they needed to check.
"Any change?" I asked.
She looked at me with a sad expression and shook her head.
I sighed covering my face.
She walked over to me and patted my back.
"Don't give up hope." She said smiling.
"Thanks." I said.
She left the room and I went back to my studying. I stopped when I heard a grunt, my head snapped up and I stared at Bella. My heart raced as I watched hopeful that something was happening. My hopes were crushed when another ten minutes and nothing happened. I sighed and went back to my work. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw a hand twitch, followed by another. I pushed the table away and rushed over to her bed.
"Bella?" I said.
I looked at her waiting for a response.
"Bella, can you hear me?" I asked.
Nothing.
"Love, if you are here, if you can hear me, please show me." I said.
I grabbed a hold of her hand, it twitched again. My eyes lit up with hope. I reached for my pager and dialed 911 to Carlisle. It took less than a minute for the doors to burst open and Carlisle to run in here.
"What?! What's wrong?!" He yelled.
"Her hand! It twitched several times!" I said.
He walked over to the bed.
"Are you sure it was a twitch?" He asked.
"I know what I saw dad! It was a twitch! I felt it too!" I said.
"It could have been just a twitch Edward. I've seen it several times." He said.
"Don't you want her to wake up?!" I asked.
"Of course I do! You know I do!" He said.
I sighed, "It was a twitch."
"I'm sure it was." He said.
He began to walk away when I felt it again, followed by a groan. Carlisle stopped and looked over his shoulders. Then I saw the most beautiful thing in the world, her eyes squeezed shut before slowly opening until I was looking at the most beautiful brown eyes ever.
"Dad!" I gasped.
He rushed over and saw it too, he smiled and laughed.
"Bella! I'm right here, you're safe!" I told her.
"Bella, listen to me honey, I'm going to take the tube out okay? When I do I need you to cough. I know you just woke up and are still a little hazy but can you do this for me?" Carlisle asked.
She nodded looking scared; I grabbed a hold of her hand. Carlisle pulled the tube out and Bella coughed, Carlisle set the stuff on a nearby table and went back to Bella. He carefully sat the bed up in a sitting position. I suddenly didn't know what to say, when she was in a coma I could think of a million and one things I could tell her. Now, I couldn't think of one. Bella looked around for a minute before looking at me.
"Hi love." I said.
"Hi." She said, her voice was hoarse.
"Bella, do you know who we are?" Carlisle asked.
She nodded, "You're my father in law, and this is my husband."
I could have died right then and there; I was worried for a minute that she wouldn't remember who we were.
"Good, now where are you at?" He asked.
"Forks Community Hospital." She answered.
He smiled, "Very good."
"Do you remember what happened?" I asked.
Her forehead creased as she thought about what happened.
"All I remember was feeling weird; I could feel some kind of liquid coming out of me. I remember seeing the baby and then I don't remember." She said.
"That's good. The liquid was blood, delivering the baby must have ripped your placenta worse because it started to gush after the baby was out. We got it under control while the nurses took care of the baby." He explained.
"Were you able to save my uterus?" She asked.
"We were." He said.
She nodded; she was still out of it.
"How is the baby?" She asked.
"You'll be happy to know that your daughter was healthy. Her lungs were slightly underdeveloped but not anything alarming. She was released a few days after you delivered her." Carlisle told her.
"So, she's home?" She asked.
"Well, she is in the nursery now. Just to be watched while I sat with you." I told her.
"He hasn't left your side Bella." Carlisle smiled.
Bella smiled at me, and my heart leapt. I had my wife back, I stroked her cheek and she closed her eyes.
"I've missed you." I said.
"I've missed you too." She whispered.
Carlisle took that as his cue to leave.
I kissed her gently.
"Is the baby really okay?" She asked.
"Yeah, she's fine." I told her.
She nodded; we were quiet for a while. I was just sitting there looking at her and holding her hand.
"I was with my grandma." She said after a while.
"Yeah? Doing what?" I asked.
"We were baking her famous cookies. We talked and hung out." She told me.
"Cool." I said.
"I also saw our daughter." She said.
"You did?!" I asked.
She nodded, "She was a teenager."
"What was she doing there?" I asked.
"Begging me to stay. To come back. I was going to stay with my grandma." She said looking down at her hands ashamed.
"I'm glad you chose to come back. I would have been lost without you." I said.
"You would have died." She said.
"What?" I asked.
"Carlie said that the pain was just too much for you to handle. So a few months after I died you overdosed on some pills and killed yourself." She told me.
I just sat there staring at her. That didn't sound like me at all. Why would I kill myself and leave our daughter alone? Sure some fathers might grow to resent their child of the mother died giving birth to them, but I wasn't one of them. I loved my daughter and I've only known her for two weeks.
"Anyway, how long have I been gone?" She asked.
"Two weeks. The doctors were fearful that if you didn't come back soon that it'd be too late. I was having to think about the decision of pulling the plug or not." I told her.
"Well I'm assuming you got the letter. If this ever happens again Edward please don't let me live on machines. That's not the kind of life I want." She told me.
"Okay." I said.
...
"Bella, I would like you to meet our daughter Carlie Rose Cullen." I smiled.
She covered her mouth as I walked over to her with our baby girl in my arms. I carefully set her into Bella's arms and sat down next to them.
"Oh my god! She's so tiny!" Bella cried.
I laughed a bit, "Yeah she is."
"She's okay though?" She asked for the millionth time.
"Bella she is perfect." I said.
I saw tears fall from Bella's eyes and got spooked.
"What?! What's wrong?! Are you hurting?" I asked.
"No, I'm just happy. She's so beautiful! We created this Edward." She gushed.
I smiled and gave Bella a kiss.
"We did create that." I whispered.
Bella decided to stay! Long chapter and I hope everything made sense! Let me know what you think! =]