Chapter Thirty Six
Edward
I didn't go running home to check on Bella countless times today.
If I had, I'd have known where she was.
And what she was doing.
I didn't check on her.
Because I was doing something for her.
Doing something for her out of love.
Something I thought would make her happy.
And because of that...
Because I let it distract me...
Take over my brain...
She ended up lost.
Lost and hurting and needing to be found.
Like I was when she made me go nowhere.
She did it out of love.
She thought it would make me happy...
In the end.
And she let it take over her brain.
The selfless thing she tried to do.
For me.
That only got me lost and hurting and needing to be found.
My found was her telling me she needed me.
I wouldn't be until she did.
Or until she came.
But I knew the words would be what came.
Instead of her.
The I need you.
Like she told me a few minutes ago.
I know it's not the same...
But I understand how something can take over your brain.
And your heart.
Distract you so much that you end up hurting.
And hurting the one you did it for.
When you were only trying to be selfless.
Do something you thought was special.
For the someone you love.
I wish there were two of me.
For Bella.
One that could do all of the things I want to do for her.
Do all of the things I need to do to take care of her.
And one that could just be with her.
Always.
Never leave her.
Never let her out of my sight.
Or my arms.
I'd be that one.
The one that got to hold her and touch her and see every move she made.
Hear her every breath.
And her every thought.
I wish I could...
Hear her thoughts.
Climb inside of her head.
Then I would know when she needed me before she said it.
Know before she had to.
Stop her before she made the wrong choice.
Like then.
And today.
She shouldn't have gone back to the house without me.
She didn't go alone...
And I'm glad she knew she couldn't...
And I know she was trying not to need me too much...
But she made the wrong choice.
Because she made mine for me.
And because I let myself get distracted trying to make her proud of me.
Of what I would do for her...
But this is like what Emmett said about the mud puddle.
She's Bella.
My Bella.
And all she really needs is me.
The one who finds her in the middle of her father's bed.
His bed covered with his things.
His most precious thing in the center.
And mine.
Precious and priceless and broken.
And waiting to be put back together.
I know my mom and Alice have been trying.
They're right here with her.
Their eyes filled with tears for her.
Their arms around her.
But they can't.
They don't know how to hold her.
And they move aside.
For the ones that do.
And I scoop her into mine.
And she lets me.
Lets go of the grip she had on the blankets.
The one that was white with its desperation to hold on.
Hold herself together.
Until she didn't need to.
Until she found her glue.
Until it came to her.
The glue that she knows will hold her.
Seal her.
And lets.
She lets herself fall.
Collapse.
Into me.
Lets me start to fill in the cracks.
Lets me carry the fragile pieces of her from this room.
To the one down the hall.
Hers.
Where I'll put her back together again.
One fragile, precious piece at a time.
In this place she wanted to be.
But shouldn't have come to without me.
I won't tell her that again.
Won't ask her why she did again.
She knows she made a mistake.
Knows she made herself break.
And I know she's sorry.
And that sorry hurts.
And thankfully...
Proudly...
I know...
In the end...
That she knows she can count on me.
Rely on me...
No matter what...
To put her back together again.
And take her pain away.
Her sorrow.
Her hurt.
Hers that is mine.
Now.
And her...
That is wrapped in me.
Now.
And that will always be.
Because she needs me.
To distract her.
Take over her brain.
Let her get lost.
And be found.
In the same place.
She...
Who in the end...
And the beginning...
Broken...
Or whole...
Right...
Or wrong...
And everywhere and everything in between...
Is and will always be...
Bella.
The most precious thing in the world to me.