Chapter 37

I sat on my porch. It was Wednesday. Which meant I had to deal with a whole other day before he was back. I was sitting on my porch. It was warm out. The nice summer kind, where it just feel nice. You don't get goose-bumps and you don't sweat. You just can go and sit comfortably outside.

Anna was letting me borrow her CD player. She knew I missed Paul a lot. In fact everyone did in my house. They all treated me nicely. I did chores less and went grocery shopping less. They all gave me a break. But I was getting bored. I figured I could apply for a job somewhere. Maybe get some money together. Bennett said there was a job opening at the CD store but I didn't want to work there. He came with me when I went asking for applications, too.

Bennett and I didn't hang out a ton. We went around the mall yesterday when I complained I didn't have any money or anything to do. I had an application to my favorite store, the Gap- which I knew Paul would never let me work there, and a little girl's store. But I was late for the summer job search. There wasn't much I could do for work.

But I got as many applications as I could.

I was invited out with Jess-ee-cah tonight, she was going to try and break up with Thomas. But I said no. I wasn't in the mood. So I ended up in a rocking chair on my front porch blasting Smashing Pumpkins and trying to make out all the words the guy was singing. I always ended up memorizing them.

The front door opened and I turned my head. It was Queenie, she smiled. I took my headphones off. She eased herself down onto the rocking chair. The baby was due late July. One month almost exactly. A few weeks short of my own birthday. But Queenie was pretty huge. She waddled and was slow. She had trouble sitting down and standing up. But she managed. Kid Number 5 seemed more manageable for her.

"It's so nice out," She said sighing sitting back touching her stomach.

The world was tinted gold. It was one of those summer days when the sun starts to set and it washes the earth with gold. I nodded smiling a little. "I know," I said. "It's so pretty." I pushed hair behind my ear and went quiet looking around.

"Paul home tomorrow?" She asked.

"Yeah," I said. "Finally."

She smiled looking at me. And then forward again. The sun just started setting so it'd be a while before it was actually dark. "You've really changed." She said. "I've noticed it a lot after you started seeing Paul."

I looked at her. "I feel different." It was true. There were times talking to Jess-ee-cah where I felt like we were completely different people. I was new. Something about me was different, I didn't look to Paul for the reason but he could be a factor in all of it.

"When I met you," She started. "You were such a bad person." I smiled. "No offense." She said.

I laughed a little. "It's okay," I said. This was more like talking to a best friend than a step-mother. "I was horrible."

She laughed a little. "I was so scared about letting you get to know the kids," She said. "But you're becoming such a smart and unique person."

I shrugged. "I've been through a lot." My smile faded. I have and I knew that better than anyone.

There was a long quiet pause. "I'm sorry about your mother," She said. "I don't know what happened exactly, but I don't want to. I know what it did to you and Bill." I looked at her. She meant it. I don't know why people say sorry. It's not their fault. I got an apology form the guy who hit her too. But I never blamed him either.

Whoever took my mother from me was going to give me something in return someday hopefully. Something that makes everything worth it. My mother can't be replaced, but there has to be a reason why she was taken in the first place.

I nodded. "You don't need to say sorry." I said.

She reached out and touched my hand. "I know she'd be so proud of you Rainie." She said. "You've changed so much this past year." She started to tear up. I bit my lip promising myself I wouldn't cry. I wasn't going to be weak right now. I squeezed her hand.

Queenie was a good mother. She wasn't half of one to me, she was like a substitute for the one I lost. She was supposed to be a mother. And she proved it by being good enough as a mother for me. I smiled a little.

"Thank you," I said.

"You're welcome." She said.

We were quiet. She moved both of her hands to her stomach and I looked out over our from yard tinted gold. One more day I could go through. This week was pretty bad. It wasn't awful but at least I knew there was something good waiting for me at the end. He was coming home. That was good enough.

I hugged my legs to my chest and made myself feel so small. It was a pretty cool feeling. Caitlyn came out. "Mommy," She said. "Jake doesn't feel good."

Queenie didn't complain. She never does. After everything she's been through. She's had the shittiest life really now that I look at it. Pregnant at seventeen. Divorce. But here she was pregnant with kid number five, and she wasn't breaking a sweat. She had her few seconds of calmness in the world and now she had to go back to her own life.

I'd have given up if I were her. I really would have. But she didn't for some reason. And here she was happy and in a house full of a family anyone would want and give anything for. I guess it's safe to say there's always something good at the end of something bad. I didn't know what it was for me. But I guess I'll figure it out.

I always can figure everything out.

I reached down and picked up my Oasis CD. It was in better shape than the other two. I took it out and put it in. Listening to it. The songs Paul complained through. Everything leading up to 'Wonderwall' and it was an amazing feeling to listen to it right now even if I was alone of all things.

I closed my eyes and listened to the songs of the CD that followed.

The sound faded shortly and I could just hear a car door slam. It was probably a neighbor looking at me like a creep. I was sitting in a ball on a rocking chair with my eyes closed. I was a little nutty. I have to admit it. I sighed opening my eyes.

I saw him, my eyes landing right one him. We both smiled a little. I felt so happy. I took my headphones off and left them behind the rocking chair taking off when I pushed away. There was a sharp clank as the CD player and the headphones crashed to the ground but I cut across the lawn. His SUV was parked where it always had been.

He stood there uncrossing his arms and taking me in. I just held him. He held me back. He didn't smell like Maine, he smelled the same. I felt that different feeling. But it was so much stronger than ever before. It was like it was a drug. It felt so good to be in his arms. I smiled into his chest. He kissed my head.

"I missed you so much." I whispered turning my face pressing my ear to his heart.

"I missed you too." I listened to his voice and it vibrated in me like it always did. And his heart picked up speed.

I tipped my face up to kiss him. I didn't want to make a scene, because I could have kissed him for a week. I missed him so much all of a sudden. I wanted to cram all of this into a few minutes but it was impossible. I didn't want to look sloppy because all of our neighbors are old and they'd think I was a whore or something making out with my boyfriend on my front lawn. I don't want Mrs. Camden looking out and seeing me and Paul.

That'd make Girl Scout Cookie selling awkward in the Fall when I would have to go with Caitlyn.

He pulled away smiling. His hands moved to a ring around my waist. Mine looped around his neck. "Can I ask you something important?" I asked smiling a little.

"Yeah," He said.

I leaned into his ear. Letting him anticipate. "How many times did you lose cards against your grandmother?" I asked.

He smiled into my hair. He saw this coming I knew suddenly. "Thirty-one." He said. "I won seven games total."

I smiled kissing his neck once moving away. "That was expected." I said. He smiled shaking his head. He kissed me again. My heart started pounding. I missed perfect kisses like this so much too.