Anguish
"Leave me alone, Reg," were the only words Severus spoke to his best friend after they had arrived back at their room.
"All right. Just don't do anything . . .stupid," Regulus reminded him, his words an echo of similar ones Severus had said to him after a major fight with Sirius.
Severus just shook his head and did not reply. All he wished was to be left alone. He headed into the bedroom and threw himself on his bed. Sorrel let out a startled meow before moving over. Severus murmured a quick, "Sorry, kitty," before picking her up and hugging her to him. He heard the soft sound of the door shutting and only then did he allow the stranglehold over his emotions to relax.
He wept silently into the cat's fur, his heart was torn and bleeding, despite the fact that he was almost positive Lily hadn't meant those hateful words, any more than he had meant his own. But you didn't say you didn't love her. A traitorous part of his mind whispered. You didn't say that and then walk off with the guy who used to chase you all over the school like a dog in heat.
Logically, he knew that Lily had to appear to prefer James for their Grand Deception to work, but it didn't lessen the anguish Severus felt upon seeing it occur. It didn't make it any easier to accept the fact that for months he would have to avoid Lily like the plague, and pretend to cozy up to Death Eater scum, all to gather information for Dumbledore. There were times, like now, when he really detested himself and the bargain he had made with the Headmaster. But he had done it to help Reg, he reminded himself sternly. So his best friend would have someone to watch his back in the viper pit, and to help him if things went wrong. He knew Regulus would have done the same for him.
You know why you chose this path, Severus. You knew it wasn't going to be easy, in fact it would hurt like bloody hell. So quit whining and just deal with it.
He turned over on his side, cuddling the purring Sorrel, and ignored the sense his logical mind was trying to pound into him. He did not want to hear sense right at this moment. He wanted to hold Lily and whisper that he would always love her and to never let her go. He wanted to run after Potter and smash his perfect teeth in. He wanted to run to the Headmaster and tell him to hell with it all, he wasn't being his spy any more.
Of course, he would do none of those things. He would play the game to the end.
He laid his cheek on the cool linen pillowcase and he allowed himself to do one thing.
He let himself shut his eyes and dream of the day when he would no longer have to pretend and Lily was his bride. He closed his fist around the betrothal ring he wore, which thankfully no one had inquired about, and recalled the wonderful Christmas past, and he wondered dolefully how he was going to get through the next three months. Or however long this term was.
Then he fell asleep, and in his dreams he chased a retreating Lily down a dark road and heard voices whispering evilly, She's gone. She's gone and you'll never see her again. Never, never, never.
He woke sweating and shaking, alone in his bed, for Sorrel had departed to eat the food Regulus had brought her. It was a few moments before he could stop shaking, and then he needed a shower, for the dream had made him cold inside and out.
The shower revived him somewhat, enough so he could speak civilly to his roommate again.
He found Reg in the living area, studying for Astronomy. "Hey. Feeling better?" the dark-haired boy asked.
"Yes. Well, not . . .better . . .but . . .you know what I mean." Severus replied. He took a seat on the couch and summoned a house elf to bring him supper. "I suppose everyone in the House knows about it?"
Reg nodded. "Yeah, they do. Most of them think you're better off without her, especially the girls and the members of the Iron Masks. A few people feel bad for you, but say you'll get over it."
Severus smiled tightly. "Good. It's working. Glad to hear that I didn't just rip out my heart for nothing."
"But Sev, it's not for real."
"I know, but it still hurts. I know we'll have the summer together, but then we come back here in September and we have to pretend we hate each other all over again. And she has to act like she loves Potter. Think about how you would feel if you had to give up Cindy this way? Would you just be able to shrug it off?"
"No. I'd probably feel that way too. It really sucks having to give up someone you love the way you love Lily, even if it's only temporary." Regulus said sympathetically. "I'm sorry you ever got involved with all this, Sev. If it weren't for me attending that stupid meeting at Malfoy Manor . . ."
Severus held up a hand. "Stop it, Reg. You and I both know I'd do it over again. And I can't blame you for getting involved in something you had no idea about. What's done is done. Now we just have to . . .get through it."
His supper arrived and he began to eat hungrily. He was surprised he even had an appetite, but then recalled he'd barely eaten lunch. "Have you seen Cindy since it happened?"
"Yeah, I went to the library and told her, she was studying for Transfiguration. She told me that she would be there if Lily needed her."
"Good. I don't want her to be alone." Then he resumed eating, though he couldn't help wondering how the Gryffindors were taking their spectacular breakup.
* * * * * *
Lily washed her face in the girls' lavatory in the haunted bathroom, knowing no one would disturb her in there and wonder why the hell she was crying her eyes out when she was the one who had ditched Snape. She examined her face in the mirror. She was pale and her eyes were red and her skin blotchy, as was always the case after she'd cried hard. That wouldn't do at all. She was supposed to be the triumphant woman dumping the unsuitable Slytherin and winning the biggest catch in Gryffindor since . . .she couldn't come up with anyone, because James had been the most popular boy in her House for so long.
She carefully cast a low level Glamour charm, enough to hide her skin and puffy eyes and make it look like she was glowing with happiness. She felt sick and wondered for a moment if she were going to vomit. But no, her stomach roiled uncomfortably, then settled. She was lucky she hadn't eaten anything that morning.
Why did you have to say that to him? It was absolutely the worst possible thing to say and it hurt him, she chastised herself over and over. She could see his face in her mind, his eyes wide and shocked, and then filling with pain, like a man who had just realized he'd been stabbed in the heart. Then she wished she had hexed out her tongue. It had taken everything she had to not scream, I didn't mean it, Sev! It was a lie! A lie that had scorched her tongue. A lie that, though terrible, might just convince everyone that it truly was over between them.
But now she had to behave as if she adored James, her sister's boyfriend. James, whom she had always found an annoyance and had never really been attracted to, in spite of his charm and good looks. It was a good thing Petunia was not here, for Lily wouldn't have known how to explain what they were doing. Lily intended to make sure her sister never found out about their little playacting.
She fluffed her hair and straightened her robes and skirt before walking out of the bathroom. James was waiting for her, leaning against the opposite wall, looking rather bored. He straightened when he saw her, however, and asked quietly, "You all right, Evans?"
"Not really. I won't be until this whole charade is over," she whispered sadly. Then she took a deep breath and said, "Call me Lily, James. I'm your . . .girl now. Call me Lily." The words fell from her lips like poison, leaving a bitter taste in her mouth. I'm your girl now. Yours, when I've only ever belonged to Severus.
"Okay . . .Lily," he said cautiously. The girl before him looked happy, winsomely so. But he could tell it was a façade. He knew perfectly well she had probably spent those last fifteen minutes in the bathroom crying. "I'm sorry." He said, going over to her and putting an arm about her. She quivered. "I'm sorry it has to be like this. I won't . . .just so you know, Lily, I won't . . .kiss you unless I have to. I don't want you to feel cheap or . . .or like you're cheating."
She forced herself to remain still. "I know, James. Do what you have to. I know it's an act. Come on, it's showtime. The whole of Gryffindor will have probably heard by now and is waiting for us to come in so they can celebrate."
James put his arm gently about her waist and they started to walk up the stairs. She leaned into him and told herself she should pretend he was Severus. Just pretend, Lily. "Have you told any of your friends about this?"
"You mean the truth?" he said in her ear.
She nodded.
"I told Sirius I was . . .experimenting," he coughed. "Sorry, but I had to tell him something and I couldn't tell him the truth, he'd never be able to keep quiet."
She elbowed him in the ribs. "I'm not an experiment, James! Just remember that."
"Ouch! Anyone ever tell you that you've got lethal elbows?"
She hid a smile. "So you didn't tell any of your other pals anything?"
"No. I probably could tell Remus. He'd never tell a soul."
"No. Just keep it to yourself. The less who know, the better." She still didn't trust the Marauders.
All the House members present in the common room cheered when Lily and James walked in, arm in arm.
Lily plastered a fake grin on her face and hoped she didn't look like a Halloween skeleton smiling. The guys were slapping James on the back and whooping.
"Yeah, Potter! Always knew you would get her in the end."
"No slimy snake's a match for you."
"The best man won! Whoo-hoo!"
"Time to break out the butterbeer!"
While the guys congratulated James, Lily was dragged off by a gaggle of girls, among them Mary McDonald, who scowled at her, upset that James had gone back to her, and Cindy and Alice. Cindy gave her a sympathetic look from behind her hand. Alice smiled at her and said, "Lucky you, Lily, snaring James so quick. Now isn't he much better to date than . . .well . . .than a Slytherin?"
No, he's never going to match up to Severus, she wanted to blurt out. Instead, she replied, "Well, he's different, that's for sure."
"Different how?" Mary demanded petulantly. "Did he buy you a gift already?" Her eyes lit on the ring on Lily's finger. "Oooh, he did! He bought you a ring! Sweet Merlin!"
Within minutes all the others were clustered about her, admiring the ring she had gotten for Christmas.
"Did he propose? Is it official?" babbled another girl.
"No, no, no and NO!" Lily shouted, fed up. "James did not propose to me. The ring is just a token of his affection for me," she blustered. Damn, why did they have to notice this now?
"Aww! See, I knew he really loved you, Lil," gushed Cindy.
Lily flinched. "Yes, he did," she murmured, deliberately not saying which he she was referring to.
"Anything's better than Snivellus," sneered Pettigrew from behind them.
The girls jumped and then shot dirty looks at him.
Lily snarled, "Go away, Wormtail and quit lurkng! You're not going to see a glimpse of anything you want to see, now get!"
There were squeals of disgust from the other girls and then some of them drew their wands and Peter scurried away.
"Ugh! He gives me the creeps," Cindy said. "I wonder how he ever got into Gryffindor?"
"Yeah, he ought to be in the dungeons."
"No, he ought to be in Azkaban, for polluting the environment with his presence," Lily remarked. "I can't stand that little rat!"
Murmurs of agreement came from everyone.
Then Mary MacDonald clapped her hands and squealed, "It's so awesome you're going out with James Potter! So . . .what did he say after you dumped the grease ball?"
Lily longed to slap McDonald across the face. Honestly Mary, you are SUCH a fangirl! You think just because Potter's a Quidditch star and handsome that he's the best thing since wands were invented. You make me want to gag. She pasted a sweet smile on her face. "He didn't really say much, just that he was glad I'd done the right thing and he loved me. That's all."
"Ooh, how positively romantic! Did he give you the ring then?"
"Yes." How positively revolting! Lily thought.
She forced herself to chat a few more minutes with them before excusing herself and running into her room and shutting the door.
To her astonishment, she found Eclipse, Professor Marsh's cat, curled up on her pillow.
She cuddled the cat in her arms and wept. "Eclipse, I've really mucked up things! And I can't tell anybody except you. Will he forgive me, Eclipse? Someday? Will he?"
The cat purred loudly, trying to alleviate her distress.
She wasn't sure how she was going to get through the rest of the term. She felt like she were in some nightmare, and the worst part of it was, she had put herself there.
She fell asleep eventually, and when she woke, she saw Cindy sitting on the bed, looking at her in concern. "What time is it?"
"After seven, I think. You've been sleeping for two hours." Her friend said. "Lil, do you want something to eat?"
"No. Not really."
"How about some soup?" Cindy suggested. "And some spice tea? That always makes me feel better."
Lily rubbed her eyes and blew her nose. Eclipse had vanished. "I wish I could just . . .sleep away the rest of this term."
"I know. But it'll get better."
"How?"
"Well, just think of it this way. Every day that passes is another day closer to the summer. And then you can be together with him again. Just the way you want it."
Lily gave her a half-smile. "You're right, Cindy. Thanks. I think I will eat a little. I mean, it would look odd if I was . . .moping."
"Right." Cindy led the way downstairs to the hall.
Lily ate quietly, though she shot glances at the Slytherin table surreptitiously beneath her lashes. She saw Regulus but no Severus. She figured he was probably hibernating in his room. She wished for a fleeting instant she could do that, but she had to keep up appearances.
"Hey, doll!" James called, strolling into the hall, followed by the Marauders. "Want to go for a walk later?"
Lily smiled up at him, "Sure, James." She swallowed the piece of roll with butter and finished her soup. Then she allowed James to escort her out of the hall, and continued to smile, though it hurt her face to do so.
* * * * * *
By the next afternoon, it was all over school that Lily Evans had broken up with Severus Snape. The Gryffindors were openly ecstatic and the Slytherins were angry at them for being so obnoxious. The Ravenclaws were neutral about it, and the Hufflepuffs felt bad for both parties though they did say it was probably for the best. Severus ignored them all and buried his nose in his books during class, not looking up unless his professors called on him.
He didn't want to see Potter and Lily together and the best way to avoid that was to keep his head down. He twisted the ring around and around his finger, trying to not listen to the current rumor that had Potter proposing to Lily and she accepting it. They all thought her betrothal ring was from Potter, he sneered. They were so stupid, they didn't even notice that Potter didn't wear a matching ring on his right hand.
After Transfiguration and Charms, he took a break and went with Regulus to the library. He helped his friend study for his potions practicum that afternoon and ate lunch with Reg before hurrying off to Ancient Runes.
He had managed to not catch a glimpse of Lily today.
In the evening he had Astronomy.
That class, Dickon had assigned them to track the movement of several stars and constellations and also to name each of them and write an essay on how or why they were given that particular name and if they had any other names in different languages. Normally, Severus would have found this topic fascinating, but he was so miserable he could barely concentrate on his telescope.
James was staying close to Lily and so were Sirius and Lupin.
Severus did not dare look at them. He looked at his parchment and started writing down notes, knowing full well he'd have to recopy them later because his hand was shaking so much.
The end of class couldn't come fast enough.
He waited until the Gryffindors had left and then began to pack up his stuff.
Dickon readjusted a telescope them walked over to him. "Mr. Snape, stay, please. I need to discuss something with you."
"Yes, sir," Severus said obediently. He prayed Dickon didn't want to talk about Lily.
He followed the professor to his office. "Did I do something wrong, sir?"
"No. You did seem a bit distracted during class tonight, but given the rumors I'm hearing . . .Severus, are you . . .no longer dating Lily? You still wear her ring on your finger." Dickon said without preamble, sitting in a chair next to him.
"I . . .yes and no . . .it's complicated . . ." Severus floundered. Did he dare tell Dickon the truth? He wanted to tell him very badly. But if he broke Dumbledore's trust . . .he feared the elder wizard would curse him somehow.
"Do you want to explain?" Dickon queried gently, stroking Eclipse, who had jumped into his lap.
"I . . .we're acting like we broke up so . . .so kids like the ones who attacked me will leave me alone," he finally replied. It was the truth, only not the entire truth.
"I see. I presume Mr. Potter knows nothing about this?"
"No, he does. He had to, since he's dating Tuney, Lily's older sister. He agreed to help us because Lily asked him to."
"Ah. Was this really necessary though? I would have thought after those three got expelled and sentenced to a few months in Azkaban, bullies like them would think twice about attacking you."
"Maybe. But Lily was afraid and she suggested this idea."
Dickon looked thoughtful. "I can see why she would be, Severus. But it must be hard on you. You're sure that's all there is to this?" The astronomer didn't know why, but he could sense that the youngster was hiding something from him. "Severus, if there's something else bothering you, you do know you can come and tell me, don't you?"
The boy looked away and nodded. I can tell you everything but this, Dickon. I wish to God I could tell you everything but . . .I can't. Maybe someday, when this is all over with.
Dickon leaned back in his chair. "If you want to see her outside of class, you could always come to my quarters and meet in there."
Severus felt his heart leap at Dickon's suggestion. He almost took it, until he realized how easy it would be to slip up if he did that. "Thanks, Dickon. But I can't. Someone might see or I could slip and say or do something wrong. Better if I just stick to not seeing her at all."
"If you're sure, lad?"
"I am," said Severus firmly, ignoring the voice screeching in the back of his head, You dolt, take the offer! What's wrong with you?
Dickon patted his shoulder comfortingly. "Well, if you ever want to talk or just sit here and drink tea with me, you know where to find me."
"Thank you, sir," Severus said gratefully. He made no move to rise from the chair, simply remained there staring down at his hands.
Dickon took the liberty of ordering some tea and scones and then sat each wrapped in their own thoughts. It was quiet save for Eclipse's purring and the faint plink of a water clock on the mantle, Dickon had a fondness for Muggle antiques.
Severus sat and tried to let the silence fill him, soothe his ragged spirit, and remind himself that this separation wasn't forever, and the anguish he felt now would be banished as soon as the train dropped him back off at King's Cross Station. But he kept seeing her eyes in his mind—those expressive gorgeous eyes—and the peace he sought so desperately eluded him.
He opened his eyes, and saw Dickon arranging the tea and cups and saucers on his desk.
"Join me?" asked the older man.
"All right," Severus agreed. It wasn't as if he had anything better to do. Then he felt guilty, for Dickon was going out of his way to be nice to him, the way his own father never would have, and he should appreciate it more.
He took a blueberry scone and slathered it with butter and poured himself a cup of tea. Then he asked Dickon a question to divert him from prying any further. "How do you like teaching so far?"
"Well, it's both more work and less than I expected," Dickon laughed. "But I like it fine. I won't be quitting midway through the school year, if that's what you were getting at."
"Good. Because I like you better than our other Astronomy teacher. You explain things better and you're more interesting."
"Thank you, Severus. Nice to know someone appreciates me," the other smirked.
"Besides my mother, you mean?" Severus asked, then he flushed.
Dickon wasn't at all offended by his bluntness, however. He laughed. "Yes, though I was referring to students, not her. Eileen is that rarest of women, one who appreciates a man when he's just being quiet."
"That's because my father was only quiet when he was passed out," Severus said, then wondered if there was something in the tea, because he normally didn't speak of his past this way.
"No doubt. You two lived a rough life, but now you can relax. I'd never hurt your mother that way, Severus. Or you either."
"I know. You love her. Him . . .if he ever did . . .it died years ago and was replaced by the bottle." He did not bother to tell the astronomer that he was unsure if Tobias had ever loved him.
"Too bad, for he's missing out on a good family. And a good son."
Severus met the other's eyes. "You really mean that?"
Dickon smiled. "I would hardly say it if I didn't. You study hard, get good marks, are polite and respectful, and a bloody genius with potions. Yes, you can have a temper and be a smart mouth, but that's true of any teenager. You haven't followed your father's bad example that I can tell and that means you're not the kind of person to be influenced easily. Your dad was a unmitigated arsehole, if I may speak plainly, and he threw away a good son and a brilliant wife. One day he'll regret it."
"Too bad." Severus growled, he had no sympathy for the man who had sired him. "he had plenty of chances to get his act together and he didn't. Sodding bastard!" he muttered.
"Aye," Dickon agreed. Then he said, "Mind the language, son."
Severus muttered an apology. "So . . .when will you be asking her?"
"To marry? This summer, I think. If she seems all right with that. I don't want to rush her."
"Oh. Okay." He nibbled on another scone and drank some more tea.
"How are you with that, lad?"
"Fine," Severus replied honestly. "So long as you keep your word, Richard Marsh."
"I swear it upon my magic and my life," Dickon said solemnly.
Severus allowed a smile to creep over his face. "Ask her soon, Dickon. She needs time to get a dress."
For some reason that made Dickon start laughing and Severus joined in for a brief moment. Being with the astronomer always made him feel good, he was the complete opposite of Tobias, and for the first time Severus knew what other kids meant when they said they had a good time being with their dad.
By the time he had finished his tea, he was feeling somewhat better than he had this evening, and eager to return to his room and tell Regulus what Dickon had said. Now he had two things to look forward to in the summer. For the first time ever, Severus wished that school were over.
He bid Dickon good night and headed back to his common room. Lily would be thrilled at the wedding. So would Polly and Petunia. It was about time Eileen was happy again. Severus just hoped that he and Lily would also know that same happiness one day.
Hey, sorry for not updating in a long time, but I got caught up in writing a Christmas fic, Away in A Manger and couldn't concentrate on anything else till it was done. I think it's a really good fic though, so if you want check it out.
Hope you liked this part and next will come the summer . . .of love and weddings!
After that though, things will heat up with the DE's and Lily and Sev and Reg will be tested in their roles as spies.
Thanks for reading and I shall hopefully have a new update for you soon!