Chapter 36 – Advice
After a few weeks, the constant need to suppress his desire started taking its toll on Erik. He became irritated and subject to mood swings. When he felt like he would not be able to restrain himself any longer, he would storm out of the room and either lock himself up in his mother's old room, or go to the nearby stable, saddle César and take off in a wild ride across the countryside. Once he had calmed down, he would return to Christine, contrite and feeling guilty for having her scared so much with his temper. He would then beg for her forgiveness, tears in his eyes, promising he would never again leave her like that, without an explanation.
Christine always forgave him. She somehow sensed that he did not behave like that on purpose. Obviously something was driving him from her side on occasion, but she knew he would always come back to her. It frightened her to see him race over the fields with César, and she always prayed for his safe return when he had taken off with the horse. Since she had no explanation for her Angel's erratic behavior, she began to fear that he might be ill. What if he was suffering from a nervous fever again? She was not quite certain what symptoms someone suffering from that disease would exhibit, but elevated body temperature certainly would have to be expected, and whenever she touched her husband, his temperature seemed normal to her.
But if he was not ill, what else could cause his strange behavior? Did he regret having married her? Did he not love her anymore? Was there somebody else? Sometimes, when Erik suddenly stiffened under her caresses, closed his eyes as if he did not want to see her and then ran off, she was convinced that he loathed her. But when he returned his eyes always looked at her with so much love and tenderness, pleading with her to forgive him, and when she gave in, only too happy, to have him back, he would hug her and caress her and hold her in his arms, telling her that he was the luckiest man in this world to have such a wonderful wife.
Christine also knew that Erik hardly slept anymore. He tried to hide it from her, but even in her sleep she sensed him leaving her side. He usually went down to the living room and spent half the night in front of the piano, writing new songs. When Christine came down in the morning, he pretended having gotten up only a short while ago, but the number of pages he had filled with new songs clearly proved that was not the case, while the songs that he now composed were the most tragic, depressed ones he had written so far, still full of tenderness and love, but full of resignation and despair.
Xxxx
Erik knew that he was approaching madness. Not in his wildest dreams would he have imagined that living in close quarters with his beloved Christine could be such utter torture. The more he was around her, the more his need for her grew, and the longer he had to go on without the desired release, the more difficult it got for him to restrain himself. Using his hand for relief of his discomfort had proved to be of little use. The longer they stayed together, the more often he held her in his arms, the stronger his urge to make passionate love to her became. It was possible to fight this need for a while by thinking of something else, but soon his body would react to the ever constant stimulation of Christine's presence and a bulge in his trousers would betray his state of arousal. In that case he usually stormed out of the room without an explanation, anxious to escape before Christine could notice his problem. Surely if she realized how much his body ached for her, she would not want to be around him any longer. She would fear that he would not be able to keep his promise and that he would take her one day against her will to satiate his desire. And even though living with her without touching her had proved to be almost unbearable for him, the thought of losing her, of not being able to see her regularly anymore frightened him even more.
When he had calmed down enough that he was able to face her again, he always felt like a monster. The strong affection and worry in Christine's eyes told him that his behavior had frightened her, that she was concerned about his health, or rather his mental well-being, and that she deeply cared for him, even though his abrupt departure had hurt her. The fact that even after repeated such accidents she still forgave him and treated him with the same old trust and tenderness, made him happy in a way, but it also made him doubt Christine's sanity. "She should run away from me," he thought, "as fast as she can and as far away as possible. I do not know how much longer I will be able to keep her safe."
Xxxx
This situation had gone on for almost a month. Erik was beginning to lose weight and Christine was convinced now that he must suffer from some strange disease. Erik defied all her attempts to make him consult a doctor, though, trying to convince her that all he needed was some rest. He knew that a doctor would not be able to help him, since there was only one medicine in the whole world that could save him from his pitiful condition, and only Christine would be able to give it to him.
Erik's refusal to see a doctor made Christine even more nervous. Why would he not want to get help? Was there something she did not know? Was he beyond help and knew it? She was worried sick about her husband and the thought that she might lose him when they had only recently gotten together troubled her more every time he seemed to be in prey of one of his strange attacks. She would have gone to Marie for advice, but unfortunately, the old lady had gone to Paris to visit her dear Francine whose baby and stepchildren had come down with the measles. Christine knew that Marie would not be able to come home until all the kids were well again and there was no danger of her passing on the disease to Philippe or other children in Boscherville.
Christine had not really made any other friends in her new hometown yet. Erik's reluctance to meet new people had certainly had something to do with this, but Christine herself had been too happy to finally be with her Angel, that she had not needed anybody else. Of course she had talked to other women at the grocery store and she had introduced herself to the new parish priest, the successor of Father Mansart, and of course she knew the mayor. But neither of these acquaintances seemed to be the right person to discuss her worry about Erik with. If only Marie had been here, or her surrogate mother. Christine sat up straight. Mme. Giry! Why hadn't she thought about her sooner? Mme. Giry knew Erik very well, and during her time as ballet mistress she had come across all sorts of problems and diseases, and unlike Marie, Mme. Giry could be here within a few days, if she wrote her a letter and asked her to come. Meg would have to stay behind, since she had taken on a new job as ballet instructor in a school, but maybe this was for the best. As much as Christine loved her surrogate sister, she would be in the way if Christine wanted to confide her worries to Mme. Giry.
As soon as she had decided to invite the former ballet mistress, she relaxed. Antoinette Giry would certainly be able to help her and maybe save her dear husband from whatever ailment it was that affected him so badly. She ran into the living room, where Erik was sitting at the piano. She went up behind him, put her hands on his shoulders and laid her head on top of his. Erik closed his eyes, relishing the physical closeness of his wife, his body very aware of her breasts slightly touching his back. He was grateful that he was holding a few sheets of staff paper on which he had been scribbling some corrections, and which now hid his body's reaction to her gentle touch from her eyes.
"Angel," she whispered to him pleadingly, "will you allow me to invite Mme. Giry to come here for a few days? Marie is stuck in Paris indefinitely and I need somebody to help me become the good housewife I want to be for you." Erik thought by himself that he could not care less whether or not she was able to iron his shirts to perfection or prepare the best mousse au chocolat in all of France, that there was really only one thing he wanted – needed - from her, that being the only thing she was not able or willing to give him. But he had no objections to inviting Antoinette. He hoped that her presence might diffuse the tension between him and Christine a bit and thus make it easier for him to deal with his predicament. Christine hugged him to thank him for his permission to invite the older woman and went to write to her.
Xxxx
Mme. Giry was very alarmed when she received Christine's letter. There were traces of tears on the piece of paper and the words Christine had written sounded desperate. Christine feared that something was terribly wrong with Erik, but he refused to get medical help and Christine was worried sick about him. Apparently he was behaving strangely and putting his health at risk with wild rides on César. Mme. Giry immediately wrote back to expect her the next day and started packing her bag.
Xxxx
When Mme. Giry arrived at the Boscherville train station, the young couple was waiting for her. Erik was carrying Philippe and talking to the baby, which somewhat helped him get his mind off the desirable woman at his side who despite being his by law would never allow him to bed her.
As soon as Mme. Giry got off the train, Erik handed the boy to Christine to help Antoinette with her bag. His hands barely touched Christine's when she took her son from his arms, but this was enough to send waves of longing through his body. Christine's attention was focused on Philippe and the arrival of her motherly friend, so she did not notice, but Mme. Giry had been alerted by Christine's letter that something seemed wrong with Erik, so she observed him closely. This small incident had told her all she needed to know about her male protégé. She smiled. During her days at the Opera Populaire she had seen many men in various states of arousal, desperate to reach fulfillment with one particular woman. Erik displayed all the symptoms of that same condition, except his body seemed to react to Christine more strongly than she had ever seen any other man react to the object of their desire. That fact did not come as a surprise to her. She knew that Erik was a virgin, that he had never been with a woman before, so it was only natural that his needs, which he had repressed for so long, manifested themselves so strongly now that he finally had his Christine with him.
"I do not know why they have not consummated their marriage yet," she thought by herself, "I would have thought they'd have figured it out by now that they are madly in love with each other, but this is a situation that's easy to rectify. I will have to give Christine a few hints how to save this stupid boy's sanity."
Xxxx
Once they arrived at the house, Erik deposited Mme. Giry's bag in one of the guest rooms, then excused himself, saying he had to look after César. Christine's eyes widened in shock. "Please, Angel, don't ride him today," she begged. Erik promised he'd just groom the horse and be back in about an hour.
As soon as he had left the room, Christine put Philippe down on the carpet and threw herself into Mme. Giry's waiting arms, sobbing uncontrollably. "He has been like that for weeks," she cried, "he runs off without a reason and does not return for hours. If it were not so obvious that he is devoted to me I would think he regrets having married me and is secretly seeing somebody else."
Mme. Giry led the young woman to the bed and made her sit down. "Shh," she tried to calm Christine. "Don't worry, I am sure all will be well soon," she murmured. Christine looked up at her. "So you have an idea what's wrong with him? Why he acts so strangely? Can you help him? Will he be fine?" Mme. Giry smiled. "Yes, he will be fine. But you will have to be the one to help him." Christine nodded eagerly, radiant with relief. "What must I do?" she asked, "tell me, there is nothing I would not do if it helps my dear Erik."
Mme. Giry cleared her throat. It was obvious that Christine had spoken the truth and that she loved Erik. Yet the subject she had to discuss now was of a rather intimate, delicate nature. How would Christine react to her next question? "Christine, you have been married before," she began cautiously. "You know what happens between husband and wife in their wedding night." Christine's eyes widened, and there was a look of utter terror in those beautiful orbs, when she looked at Mme. Giry. Sudden understanding hit the older woman. Apparently Christine was disgusted at the thought of marital relations and feared nothing more than intimacy. Erik, ever the gentleman, must have somehow realized that and was now desperately trying, though with very little success, to repress his own needs for her sake. Small wonder he was so tense.
Mme. Giry sighed. The situation was more complex than she had expected. "You do not like those activities," she stated flatly. Christine nodded. "It is humiliating, invasive," she explained. "I am so glad Erik promised me we would not have to do these things, even if we got married." Mme. Giry was shocked. That idiot! How could he make such a promise! And how on earth could she convince Christine that she had to release him from this promise? Obviously Raoul had not been able to make his wife enjoy intimacy and Christine therefore was disgusted by the whole process of lovemaking. While Mme. Giry was convinced that Erik would be able to make her forget whatever negative experiences Christine had had in that regard with her first husband, it would not be easy to make her understand that she would have to give Erik this chance. Soon. Before he broke down completely.
"Why did he promise you that?" Mme. Giry inquired. "Did you ask him for this promise?" Christine shook her head. "No. I just told him that I did not want to get married again, and then Erik asked me, but what if it were a marriage in name only, and then he said that he would not ask anything of that nature of me, and I said that I would like such a marriage." Mme. Giry closed her eyes to be able to concentrate better on the problem at hand. Of course under these circumstances Erik would never ask his wife to release him from his promise. Christine would have to make the first move.
"Christine," she began cautiously. "You know that Erik loves you very much." Christine smiled happily. Yes, she knew that. "And I think you do love him as well," Mme. Giry continued. Christine looked up, startled. Did she love Erik? "I do not know," she whispered. "I thought I was in love with Raoul, but Erik… this is totally different," she added. "Erik understands me better than anybody else, he is always there for me, helping me, protecting me, and he means so much to me. When Erik is with me it is like the sun is shining brighter, and when he is gone, I anxiously wait for his return. When he holds me in his arms, I feel at home, when I sleep in his arms, I know that I am where I belong. Is that love?" Mme. Giry cringed at the confession that Christine slept in Erik's arms. Was that stupid girl not aware what kind of torture she had imposed on her husband? But she nodded at Christine, smiling. "That does sound like love," she admitted.
Christine beamed as sudden realization hit her. She loved Erik! That's why she had always felt like she belonged with him, that's why it felt so right to be in his arms, that's why it had felt so right to kiss him, and why she longed so much for his kiss. "I think I do love Erik," she smiled. "But I never knew. I thought we were just friends." Mme. Giry sighed, relieved. At least Christine finally admitted her love for her husband.
"Since you love him," she continued slowly, "you will have to release Erik from his promise. You will have to allow him to really be your husband." Christine paled at the thought and was about to interrupt her surrogate mother, when Mme. Giry shushed her. "No, Christine, hear me out. I know you hate such activities, but not two men are the same. If Raoul was not able to make you enjoy the experience, Erik might be. Give him the chance. He does love you, I know he will be gentle with you and as considerate as a man can be of his woman's needs. Trust him." Christine looked unconvinced. "Tell him why you did not want to marry again. Otherwise he may not understand your reasons. Talk to him, say you are willing to give it a try because you love him." She paused for effect.
"He needs this, Christine," she finally said. "He has never been with a woman before, and while it was relatively easy for him to repress his needs when there was nobody he would have wanted to get intimate with, now that he has you around every day, this has been getting increasingly more difficult. He is obviously torn between his desire to make you fully his and his promise to you. He is under a lot of stress and pressure because of you." She gave Christine a meaningful look. "Only you can help him."