Do you really think I was gonna make you wait for this ? Hum, you're all too kind for this kind of teasing.
Although I'm not sure you're all ready for what's next. Brace yourself. And don't hate me.
"I'm pregnant, Jace."
Three little words. Although I've heard them, they don't seem to reach my brain immediately. Well, she's pregnant. Good. Then, what has it to do with me ? I stroke her bare thighs in comfort, staying quiet. A few seconds pass, and none of us speak.
"Jace? Have you heard me? I'm pregnant."
And then, hearing those words for the second time, it hits me. That gorgeous woman I've just fucked senseless is pregnant. That beautiful carefree girl is going to be a mother. I jolt backwards with the force of this information. Grabbing my pack of cigarettes on the coffee table, I turn away from her and light a fag.
The smoke filling my throat and my lungs has a nasty taste and almost makes me throw up. As surprising this news is, it confirms me what I already know. No relationship is possible between Clary and me. For the last few days, I've thought a lot about what we've been living. And today's conversation with Helen added fuel to the fire. As much as I try to deny it, I like her. A lot. I refuse to think about the big L word because I shut down that feeling from my heart long ago but I like being with her, in every way I can think about. Of course, I like having sex with her, but I cherish all those moments when we speak about everything, when we laugh, when she gives me her opinion about my music. I think that maybe if things were different, I would have asked her to be my girlfriend. Maybe.
But with this news today, I realise I have been right to stick to my first idea of fooling around together without strings attached. And even that won't be possible anymore now.
Looking back to her above my shoulder, I notice she's still sitting on the couch, twisting nervously her fingers in her lap. She doesn't dare to look at me as if she's afraid of me. I don't understand why. That's her life, I ask nothing from her, she can do what she wants.
"Uh, okay, Clary."
"That's all you have to say? Okay?" She asks.
"What do you want me to say ? You're pregnant, good for you."
"Good for me ? I thought you'd like to talk about this."
I throw my lighter on the counter, taking a long drag on my cigarette. I feel an angry knot taking shape in my stomach. For fuck's sake, why does she want to talk about this with me? Even if we never talked about her intimate life with him, I suspected they kept having sex together. After all, they're married and live together and he's not aware of what's happening behind his back.
"God Clary, I don't know. I'm not the one you should talk about this baby with. Talk to the person concerned by this. Talk to him."
Her green eyes widen in surprise, her mouth ajar. I don't understand why.
"Talking to Sebastian? You really think I'm still having sex with him? When we talked about me being the only one in your bed, it was obvious I was being exclusive with you too."
I can't process her words. I know what they mean but I don't want to believe the meaning behind them. She's giving me no time to recover before spilling the news. And I could hate her for that.
"I've only had sex with you, Jace, for the last four months. It's yours."
"Fuck it, Clary. I used a condom every time I fucked you. That's not possible that I'm responsible for this."
She stands up, her cheeks flushed. "Are you calling me a liar ? What do I gain from this ? My life is a fucking nightmare right now. I'm betraying Seb in the worst way possible, being pregnant of another man when all that he wants is creating a family with me. But instead of this, I'm here, trying to speak with you about this unexpected child because it's yours, Wayland, there's no doubt."
My heart starts beating incredibly faster. It's not possible. What will I do with an unplanned child ? I don't have time for this, it'll ruin my career.
"We never have unprotected sex. I don't understand how it happened."
"We did. Just once. When I had to calm you down after that phone call. I didn't realise it that day but when I thought about it, I can't remember you grabbing a condom."
The images come immediately back in my mind. Her against the wall, her heels in my back, I didn't even bother to undress and just unbuckled my jeans, entering her immediately after. How am I this stupid ? I've never made the mistake before. And for one small careless mistake, I'm gonna be punished for the rest of my life. There's no way of it happening. I won't let this mistake destroy my existence.
"What are you gonna do about it?"
"What do you mean?"
"We're not together. Obviously you don't want a child either. So..."
"So what? Do you want me to get rid of it?"
I smirk. "Well it's your decision, I don't care. I mean. If you want to keep it and patch things up with him, do it. It's gonna be hard to make him believe it's his child though, especially if this baby has blonde hair and blue eyes..."
I see her hand before I fell the sting of it on my cheek.
"How dare you ? I'm not a whore Wayland, despite what you may think about me. And it's a fucking surprise, I didn't know I was so low in your mind. I didn't make that child alone. I came here to tell you and for us to make a decision together. I ask nothing. I don't care about your money and your fame. You're just the father of this child, and I'm sorry for this."
Tears run on her face and she's shaking.
"I'm sorry for this, because if I choose to keep it, he'll never know about you. You've been crystal clear, don't worry, I won't bother you, no matter what my decision is. I thought you would support me and help me but I was wrong. I thought you were a gentleman, with a good heart but I was wrong for this too. You've got a bad heart, Wayland. And I'm sorry for me, for being hopelessly in love with you."
She gathers her things in her bag and hurries past me. Love? She loves me? I ask her not to fall in love with me. It's not possible, nothing is possible. I grab her arm.
"Darling, wait..."
She jerks free from my grasp, growling. "Don't Darling me. You lost the right to call me that as soon as you made me feel like nothing. Forget me, forget all those moments, you're nothing for me anymore."
"Just leave then, I don't fucking care, Clary!" I scream, slamming the door behind her. What remains is the lingering sound of her feet flying over the stairs.
Too much happened. The knot building up in my chest is about to explode any minute from now. I need to find something. Quick. Running to my bathroom, I open the cupboard under the sink and rummage inside. I know there must something there to help me. My hand grabs a small white bottle. Strong Painkillers. With alcohol, it will do the trick, I think, taking a bottle of whisky in the kitchen and swallowing the pills with a large gulp.
How can she do this to me ? How can she leave me alone in this situation ? Fuck her, she's like every other girl. She's no better that Aline, no better than anyone. She ensnared me, making me think all could be good with her, just to drop a fucking bomb on me later. I should have never asked her to enter my life if it was to destroy it. Now, she's gonna go back to her husband and he'll forgive her and they will be happy together. Meanwhile I will be alone and angry, and I'll destroy myself.
I pace nervously through the living room, my fingers constantly tugging at the roots of my hair, and I choose to ignore that my feelings are flowing on my cheeks. I know I'm gonna lose it. Taking my phone in my pocket, I quickly type a text to Alec, before my eyes fall on the wall in front of me. This wall where I fucked her weeks ago, this fucking wall which destroyed everything.
Not being able to control myself anymore, I smash my phone on the hard surface in front of me with all my forces. The device falls into pieces instantaneously on the floor but it's not enough. Grabbing one more pill on the table and swallowing it with another shot of alcohol, I throw the bottle against the wall, adding to the mess already present. The tears are blurring my sight, indistinct cries come from my throat and I don't know what I grab after but it smashes too on the floor. And the thing after, and after, until I lay, curled up into a ball and worn out, on the bathroom floor.
"Jace, Jace. Wake up man. It's gonna be okay. Wake up"
I'm being shook again and again but I can't open my eyes at first. The light in the flat is too bright. I don't know how long I've been staying like this on the floor.
"Jace, try, man. Open your eyes."
I finally manage to do it, meeting Alec's scared eyes. So he got my "help me"text before my phone broke.
"Are you okay?" He worries, helping me getting on my feet and then sitting on a chair in the bathroom.
"I think so. My head hurts. Hum, and my fingers too."
"I believe you, Jesus, look at your hands. What happened?" He answers.
My fingers are covered with dried blood, which has poured from my burst out knuckles. I already know what happened. It always happens. I must have punched a wall or something a bit too hard. Alec hands me a wet cloth to wash them and a fresh towel.
"Why are you staring at me like this? What's this sadness in your eyes ?" I ask.
"I'm afraid one day I'll find you really hurt after one of your episodes. Or worse."
"Don't worry about me, I'll be okay."
"Fuck Jace... your flat is entirely trashed. You have destroyed the furniture, bottles, even curtains. You can't say you'll be okay. You're not okay."
I follow him inside the living room and this is worse than a battle field. There are pieces of glass everywhere on the floor, all the chairs are dislocated through the room, the tv screen is cracked. The curtains are ripped, and there's blood everywhere on the walls. I don't remember when or how it happened. Crouching down, I pick up a photo frame. And seeing my parents on the picture inside, I let the tears run. What would they think of me if they saw this carnage? What would they say if they knew about the way I've treated the situation ? They would be so disappointed by me. They didn't raise me as a total moron, and they tried years after years to give me good moral values. They still don't know about my temper and my addictions.
A glass of water appears in front of me. I take it from Alec, crying even harder at the idea that he's the only one there for me, no matter what.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"I'm fucked, Alec. The worst happened and I was stupid enough to make it even worse."
He stays quiet, giving me the time to make up my mind about saying something or not. I owe him the truth, at least I need to be honest with someone.
"Clary was here a few hours ago. She left me, Alec. I said horrible things to her."
"I thought you both were not in a relationship?"
"We were not in an official one. But even if I denied it, everyone around me told me we were a thing. Yeah, don't smirk, I know what you think. You've been the first to tell me."
"So what do you mean by the worst happened?"
"She's pregnant Alec. And I'm the father."
He tries to speak but the news makes him speechless. He only opens his mouth silently, exhaling a silent "fuck".
"I know right, this is a nightmare. But when I had to man up and act like an adult, maybe helping her to take a decision, I first accused her of being pregnant with her husband, and then I suggested to her to make peace with him and make him believe the baby is his. And finally, I told her I didn't care about what decision she would make, that it was not my fucking problem."
"You did what? How can you be so stupid ?"
I sigh. I know I'm being more that stupid here. I have been awful with her. But I'm scared.
"I was scared. Scared of losing everything, my career, my fame, my life.."
"And you lost her."
"Yes. She erased me from her life for good. She told me she didn't want to see me anymore."
"That's understandable Jace. You basically told her to handle things herself. Goddam it, that's not a thing Jace, that's a baby. And whatever the decision, you should have taken this decision together."
"She told me she loved me, Alec." I mutter. "And I answered I didn't fucking care and asked her to leave."
"And do you care or not?"
"I do. So much. But I don't want that child. I'm not ready. And I don't want to have a family now, especially in this complicated situation. She's married."
"And do you love her?"
"I like her. A lot."
"And it never crossed your mind that maybe she came to tell you about the pregnancy because she wanted to build something with you? Maybe she waited for a word to leave everything for you?"
I put my face in my hands. My head is pounding from all the pills, the alcohol and the anger still at bay.
"I don't know. She left, Alec."
"There's only one way to know it." He replies, handing me his phone. "Call her."
AN : I cant wait to hear all your reactions about this. He's stupid right ? But are you surprised about this ? He's Jace after all, that sums up everything.