But another song broke through.
Something… felt different. As a scientist, I'm not supposed to say I can feel these sorts of things. It goes against logic. But it was as if my cerebrum was all discombobulated, each and every sound pouring in a different way, an eerie way. The heat pumping out of the furnace was a little colder than usual. The family pictures on the wall hung a little more crooked than usual. And there was a taste in the air that comes whenever I'm out of the house for longer than a few hours.
It was only a few hours later that I learned death had been the one to do it.
But not yet. Not yet.
"DaaaAAAAd!"
It had come from that room in the back where I'd put him, surrounded by countless IV tubes and tools for medical procedures I knew wouldn't do anything but confirm what I already knew. It had come from that room I had chosen with care, that same room him and his brother used to play countless chess games with when we'd first moved into the house.
Sans.
My legs lurched forward, but everything else in me stopped. The air hung in the air, all dark and complete. I nearly tripped, the sunlight almost stabbing me now, and my breaths turned into hiccups in my throat. Papyrus followed, but he was a wisp now, a trace I could barely detect.
He'd woken up.
All I wanted for him was to go in peace.
That was all that I wanted.
Was that too much to expect?
I stepped inside the room, and I didn't know I was shaking until I stepped in the door and almost stumbled against the wall.
All I wanted for him was to not be in pain. Is that too much to ask? Is it?
The heart monitor activated for the first time in days, and it seemed as if my heart skyrocketed along with it. I could tell he was in more pain than I've ever been in before I even went close to him. His eyes were all blue, and the same eyes that had the type of wonder to leave even me transfixed were in pain now. His little fists were scrunched-up, grabbing the sheets like they were the only thing that would save him. His feet were kicking against the glass in the bed, and-
I couldn't look.
But he looked at me, and I knew I had to look straight back. My marrows shook. God, I had to look. I knew… I knew… that this right here, right in my home, right in his bedroom, right now, right in the middle of autumn, was going to be the hardest thing I'd ever had to do.
I was going to teach him how to die.
I was going to teach him the one thing I didn't know.
And I stepped in that room- Papyrus stepped in a few moments later- and closed the door.
"Ground control to Major Tom…"
The same song played in the background a room or two away. I put it on replay whenever I was stressed, and I wondered for a moment if Papyrus had adapted to and adopted that same behavior.
Then came the pain.
Pain is a throbbing thing, I would come to know in those hours to pass. Pain is more than a feeling. It's sentient. A beast. Encroaching. It's something that can be learned, something that can be taught. It's a vessel. It's a worm, tearing its way just below what the world can see. It's a companion, this rotting worm of ours.
The pain came, and it came sudden, came swift, and the throbbing, sentient… thing, this creature, came back, and it wracked him. It wracked him, and the bones were whipped, and whipped, and torn, and whipped again.
Hours and hours. Hours that almost led me to vomit over the toilet with stress. But I stayed there. I stayed in that room with my son, I stayed in that room for my son. I stayed there, gripped his hand, and when he squeezed mine until it ached, I squeezed his until I thought it was harder. We almost didn't say any words for those hours, yet he seemed to say the most to me then than I could any other time. I stayed there, and I watched, and what I would give to have switched places.
"D-D-DDRG-DAD-"
"Yes?"
Of course. Of course. He needed medicine. Why was I so stupid? Medicine. I sputtered out the instructions to Papyrus, and to a mix of delight and terrifying awe, he'd already halfway figured out how to do it. The medicine came coursing, and the pain was still there, only pushed a few feet away.
The heart monitor sang its song in the corner.
"Did you use the-"
Hands still clawing the bed. They never stopped.
"-use the Deter-deter-detRGG-"
Papyrus' eyes turned into pools, and before I could smile at him, tell him for a minute that it would be alright, Sans beat me. My own children, already three jumps each ahead of me.
But while the smile seemed to make Papyrus chuckle a bit, but I only nodded. No speech. Nothing but the heart monitor yelling in its unpredictable way.
The sound came from me, but a little quiet, then quieter before it ever got louder.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, dear God, I'm sorry-"
It came again. The beast came again, came screeching.
Before I could do anything, Sans' hand landed on my lap, and the heart monitor shouted awhile before going back to its normal whine. The left hand clawed deep, and the sheets were mauled, and his fingers found foam-
"Dad."
He lifted his head a little, laid it back down.
"I wanted you to."
It was enough to keep me silent for the next hour. It was an hour, surely, but it may as well have been a day. A year. A lifetime.
But this hour let him say a few words. "Dad?"
I lay my hand on his chest. "Yes?"
"I'm sorry. Sorry for everything."
"All's forgiven. All's forgiven."
"I need you to do something, alright? 'Cuz it looks like I just might not be able to."
I tried to predict what thing I'd have to do, who I'd have to forgive and lose this time, but my rationalizing turned into tumbling, stumbling, and my thoughts fell.
The monitors protested. I found found he couldn't muster an "alright".
"Dad." He looked at Papyrus, and then at a place only he could see, and then back at me. "Tell Azzie that I'm back, alright? Just this one thing. Just this one thing for me, alright?"
Papyrus' mouth stuttered open, but one glare made it silent again.
But maybe… just maybe, if the beast could be held back for a minute or two…
"Yes, son. I promise I will. Soon as he gets back from the arena."
He nodded, although something glinted and quickly faded away behind his eyes.
Before any more words were said, I lifted him up. Strangely, the beast was gone now.
"Dad. Dad. I'm so scared, Dad."
"I know. I know."
The monitors beeped to the point of exhaustion, and the world became nothing. Nothing except for the outside, when the moon set and it became night. A part of me, a small part of him, unrestrained, wanted my son's rest to come later, but my mind wanted it to come sooner. And what I would have given for it to come sooner.
I would have given my soul.
I would have given my bones.
By the time it was over, by the time the reaper had poised himself over our house, the sky turned black, the others went in the door, Undyne still outside. I heard a whisper from Toriel to Chara to "say goodbye", and I shut my eyes and winced for the first time.
Watching the light drain from his eyes is something I can't put down on paper. Watching those last breaths is something I can't put down on paper. To experience it, yes, I could put it down. But to watch it… I can't put it down on paper. Not fully, not scientifically, not in its full, accurate, tangle. I'm not sure if anyone can write like that in this tangle. But there is something I can put down.
"Dad?"
"Yes, son?"
"Where's Jessica?"
The heart monitor started to beep almost once every half a second. And I embraced him, took him into my arms, needing him as much as he needed me. I rocked him back and forth, slightly, ever so slightly. I could feel Papyrus' hands next to mine, and or the first time, we were all together, all at once.
I bit my lip. I couldn't say anything. The pain had dwarfed me too much.
"She's dead, isn't she? She got crushed by one of the rocks. I saw her. She's with Alina now."
I couldn't say anything to respond to him then, and I can't say anything to respond to him now. All I could do was wait and watch and ponder, and that is all I can do now. Everything inside of me froze then, and how much more freezes inside me now. Even the thought of it, the thought of it makes me shiver…
"Hey, bro… d'you still have the scarf?"
It was just above a whisper now.
Papyrus snatched it off his neck, and it was only when it touched his brother's hand that he started to cry.
He looked into his brother's eyes until they turned into marbles, glazed with water. He smiled, the way he always had. I could hear his breath rattle a little, catching in his throat, not quite an exhale.
And he died shaking.