Harry knew he wasn't alone before he opened his eyes. He could feel the presence of the others, and their nervousness was hovering in the air around him. He took a deep breath and pushed back the lingering pain in his limbs. He opened his eyes and found himself, unexpectedly, in his own room in their house at Mercer. Remus and Lily were sitting in the far corner of the room whispering to each other, Sirius stood at the window a few feet away staring out into the street. Harry pushed himself up to a sitting position. He clenched his jaw against the pain that shot through his nerves at the movement. There was a ringing in his ears and he shook his head hoping to rid himself of it, only to find that it was made worse. He looked at Sirius and he felt himself warmed, and comforted but also broken and afraid.
Sirius was beautiful, he was always beautiful. His dark hair fell in long waves and now brushed his shoulders. His fine features were all at once delicate and strong. Harry watched as Sirius ran a hand through his hair and let out a sigh. He turned toward Remus and Lily his eyes barely grazing over the bed in which Harry sat. It took a moment but the grey eyes widened and returned to Harry's face with an apprehensive hope and Sirius opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. They stared at each other for a long moment, so much time spread out between them, so much pain and disappointment, too many lies and half-truths.
"Harry!" Lily's voice rang out like a siren and crashed their silence. Lily and Remus rushed to Harry's side but Harry kept his eyes on Sirius who had yet to move or speak. Harry watched as Sirius looked at him, took a step backward and then turned and walked out of the room.
"Harry? How do you feel? Is there any pain?" Lily asked her fingers pressing into his chest and brushing across his cheek. Harry reached up and took her hand in his.
"Some pain, not too much." Harry's voice was dry from underuse. "Lily, I'm all right. I'm alive"
Harry had a lot of time to think over the past week. Remus, Lily, James and Sirius were all out doing their part to help rebuild London since the fall of Voldemort. For the first two days Lily had given Harry very strict instructions not to get out of bed except to go to the bathroom. Harry being who he is decided to attempt to make his way to the kitchen and had passed out on the stairs. Lily had yelled at him the way Moms are wont to, without raising her voice and using his full name, well she made up a middle name but it was pretty much the same. He stayed in bed on the third day and after a long discussion with Lily was allowed to get up and out after that. He puttered around the house, cleaning what wasn't dirty; inventing dishes to cook that tasted the same as what Harry imagined sewage would taste like. He spent a great deal of time at the window, hidden by the curtains watching the reporters who had gathered on the street hoping for a sight of what the papers were calling, "The Man Who Saved Us All".
He thought about Alex and how much better he sounded in his letters, and how everything at school seemed to be going well for him. He thought about Lily and James and baby Jamie. He thought about Jamie a lot. He thought about the fact that Jamie looked nothing like him, he had Lily's eyes and James' messy hair, but his features were different, softer. He had more Lily in him than Harry did. Harry marveled at that. What a difference a year makes, what a difference time makes.
He thought about how happy Remus seemed. He was working now at the Spell Institute; he was heralded for his work on developing the spell that blocked the killing curse. His transformations were still rough on him, and he still looked as though he was aging twice as fast as he had before. But the Institute and the Ministry had given him a grant to work towards developing a cure. And Harry had never seen so much hope in Remus' eyes.
He thought about the Wizarding World and the celebrations that were still going on. He thought about how things were changing, how old prejudices were being faced head on and with ferocity. He even thought about the Malfoy's and their son whom they had named, of course, Draco. And the difference in them, he thought about the article that he read about Lucius coming forward and speaking about the Death Eaters and Voldemort and offering his knowledge to the Ministry to help them protect against something like this happening again.
He thought about time, and the differences and the changes his presence had brought. He thought about Jamie and Draco and he wondered what would be different in the future. He wondered about his place in this world, and all the secrets he kept. He wondered what he would do now, now that he was done surviving and had a chance to live. He thought about how the Ministry had given him the Order of Merlin, First Class. He thought about the offer from the Aurors to join as an instructor in their training program. He thought about the offer from the Unspeakables.
Of all the things he thought about, there was only one thing he didn't want to think about. And that one thing, he could not escape from. Sirius Black. Harry couldn't help but wonder at what point his life had become so intertwined with Sirius Black. He tried to push it out of his mind, but it was always there. He thought about Sirius' beauty and his sad and conflicted eyes. The way he discretely left the room when Harry entered, how he would open his mouth as if he wanted to speak but no words would follow. How he would hover just outside the bedroom door while Harry slept.
And because of this. Because of the things he wanted to think about were so impossible to understand, and the one thing he didn't want to think about was so damn clear. Harry was going insane. And insanity combined with house arrest did not go well together.
For another week, Harry simmered in his insanity and growing frustration, and nobody seemed to notice.
It was a Tuesday.
It was Tuesday and Lily was in the kitchen cooking, and Remus was leaning on the counter chatting with her about the differences between the blood components of Werewolves and actual wolves and human beings. James and Sirius were due back from work any minute, and Harry sat at the table sipping a glass of firewhiskey and simmering.
Lily and Remus laughed from their place at the stove and Harry flinched without knowing why. Harry took another drink and thought about Sirius and how he still hovered at the bedroom door.
James and Sirius came home boisterous and joking, telling a story about a man who had somehow managed to get himself trapped within a closet he while he was attempting to curse it so that his wife wouldn't be able to hide his stockpile of dirty muggle magazines. Harry pushed his food around on his plate, and simmered. Remus looked at him strangely for a moment. But then he looked away and nobody said anything.
They continued chatting and laughing and joking and part of Harry loathed them for it. Because he didn't know how to be happy, and laugh and joke without the potential for disaster hanging over his head. And then Remus looked at him again and Harry boiled over.
"Damn it, Remus! Stop looking at me like that!" Harry shouted slamming his fork down on the table. Silence fell and everyone stared at him.
"Bloody hell." Harry said and stood up knocking his chair back as he did.
"Harry…" Lily's voice was soft and soothing.
"Oh just leave off." Harry said and left the room. He walked out of the house and sat on the stairs and lit a cigarette. The Reporters had stopped showing up, they gave up when they realized they could not outwait Harry.
The door opened and Harry sighed and took an aggravated drag off his cigarette. He stood up and turned but stopped short when he saw Sirius leaning against the door.
"What the hell?" Harry said frustration and unexplainable anger welling up inside of him. "Come to tell me how selfish I am? How stupid? Don't think I can't see it in your goddamn eyes, and hear it in your silence."
Sirius said nothing. And in that moment Harry wished it was raining. Conversations like this made more sense in the rain. Instead, the sky was clear and the air was crisp but not cold.
"Come on Sirius, say it." Harry's voice was mean in an almost childish way. "Tell me I'm selfish, and stupid, and that you'll never forgive me. But I swear, if you continue to just stand there and say NOTHING, I am going to stop caring whether you forgive me or not."
"Nobody thinks you are selfish or stupid." Sirius' voice was as smooth as it ever had been. "In fact, everybody thinks the opposite."
"Everyone but you." Harry said turning away from him and pulling out another cigarette.
"Everyone but me." Sirius admitted.
"I know." Harry took a drag and looked out at the empty street again. "Remus fought with me on it, they told me not to go, not to face him alone. They told me the spell would probably kill me."
Harry could hear Sirius' breathing.
"Part of me…thought it was for the best. I have been doing nothing but surviving since I was eleven years old." Harry continued as if he was talking to himself, and he thought…that he kind of was. "I don't know how to live. I didn't want to die, not really. I love Remus and Lily and James, and Alex. I love you. But I don't really know how to. I don't know how to have a future with anyone, because I never thought I would."
Harry tossed the cigarette out into the street and turned back to find Sirius leaning against the door, his eyes closed.
"So maybe I'm selfish. And you can be angry." Harry said. "But I had to do it. I had to end it, because if I didn't there would have been no reason for me to survive anyway. You, all of you, you're all I have. And life without you would have been worthless. I've seen death, I've seen so much death. Your death, is not something I could have survived."
Harry's eyes were glued to Sirius' face.
"You're selfish, and stupid. And I am angry." Sirius said, his voice tightly controlled. "Because you didn't stop to think, that maybe we, I, couldn't have survived your death."
Harry looked at the ground. He felt Sirius move closer and pull his face up. He saw the tears shining in the man's eyes.
"I love you. And maybe that's enough, and maybe it isn't." Sirius said. "But I'm willing to try it and find out."
Harry nodded his head a little.
"But, if I'm going to do this. If we're going to do this." Sirius said. "You're going to have to learn how to live. Because I'm not ready to die."
AN: I know, it's short. But I wanted to give you something. This chapter could be an ending. I'm not set on it. There's a lot left between Harry and Sirius. Anybody interested in seeing that or shall we end it dramatically?
Let me know your thoughts.
PS- Thank you all for your kind words. Things are getting better, slowly. I'm still a bit overwhelmed but it's becoming more manageable every day. Take care and thank you again.