Part 37

Gibbs sat in the chair beside Tony's bed watching the young man sleep; it was the first time since the shooting and his subsequent surgeries that DiNozzo actually looked like he was resting peacefully. As he glanced at the clock on his wall, he mentally calculated that Tony had been asleep for almost four hours; Gibbs had briefly considered going home himself in order to get some rest but he didn't want to leave until he talked to Tony. He needed to make sure that Tony was all right after everything that had happened with his father; DiNozzo had been through so much and the drama surrounding his father's efforts to take control of his life had caused Tony a lot of unnecessary stress and although he had tried to assure the team leader that he was fine, Gibbs refused to be dismissed so easily.

He wanted to talk to Tony not only about what had happened but Gibbs also wanted to finish the conversation that Jenny had interrupted with her arrival. There were things that he needed to say but unfortunately, they were going to have to wait; Tony's doctor had decided that DiNozzo had experienced enough excitement for one day and had given the young man the choice of going to sleep or being sedated. Tony had opted to voluntarily rest and the fact that he had drifted off so easily was a testament to the fact that he trusted Gibbs to watch his six. Gibbs felt a sense of relief that the familial bond between them still existed despite everything that had happened; he felt as if had been given a second chance to be a father and the former Marine fully intended to take advantage of the opportunity.

Deciding to stretch his legs, Gibbs pushed himself up out of his chair and walked over to the window. The sun was beginning to set, signaling the end to yet another day. This particular day had been interesting, to say the least, but he was glad that it was over; hopefully tomorrow Tony could start focusing on his recovery. The doctor had said that if everything went well, that DiNozzo could possibly be back at the rehab center in a couple of days; perhaps then, Tony would be able to put everything behind him and look to the future.

He had gotten the necessary approval to start remodeling Tony's apartment so that it would be wheelchair accessible; he also had developed a plan that would allow him to place a door between his apartment and Mrs. Kiser's. Gibbs knew that she would look after Tony and that DiNozzo's constant presence would definitely keep her young. He smiled at the thought of the spry old woman. Gibbs admired her spirit and her zest for life; she was a very special lady and he was honored to call her friend.

Gibbs sensed that Tony was beginning to wake up so he walked back over and sat back down in his chair. As he reached for his cup of coffee, he noticed that DiNozzo was following his every movement with a bleary gaze.

"Hey Boss," he yawned.

"How ya doin', DiNozzo?" he asked, taking a sip of the now lukewarm brew.

"Pretty good, I think."

"You're looking a little better."

DiNozzo arched his brow as a playful smile danced on his lips. "Just a little better? Even on my worst days, I always thought I looked pretty good," Tony quipped.

The team leader grinned. It was good to see Tony's sense of humor shining through; he had missed DiNozzo's unique wit and was grateful to see it make an appearance once again. Although he knew that Tony's constant chattering and joking manner usually bothered McGee and Ziva, he personally thought that most of the time, that DiNozzo's incessant banter managed to keep them from becoming weighed down with the horrors that faced them every day. That was one reason why he didn't feel McGee was ready to be hissenior field agent; McGee was going to have to learn that he couldn't take everything personally, especially when Gibbs was in one of his moods.

"Gibbs?"

He silently admonished himself for letting his thoughts wander. "Sorry, I was just thinking," Gibbs replied.

"I know what you mean. I've been doing a lot of that lately."

"It seems we both have."

"Really?"

Gibbs knew that Tony would be surprised at his admission. He recognized the fact that DiNozzo worried when he became contemplative or too nice; after Kate's death, it had taken a wise word from Abby for him to realize how he had inadvertently thrown Tony for a loop. Gibbs had then made sure that he had reverted back to his normal self and with the boundaries restored, the two of them, along with McGee and Ziva, had diligently worked to bring down Ari.

"Yeah, DiNozzo," Gibbs answered. "I actually think a lot."

"I know," came the simple reply. "It used to bother me when you got quiet, especially when I first came to work for you."

"Why's that?"

"I don't know. I guess I was insecure; I still am in some ways. I thought maybe you were having regrets and were thinking about sending me packing."

Gibbs realized that for Tony to admit that he still felt insecure about certain things in his life was a sign that the trust that DiNozzo had always placed in him had remained strong even after everything that had happened. "I've never regretted hiring you."

"I know that now. I think it finally clicked that I had a found a place to belong when you called me your senior field agent."

"It took you that long?"

"Yeah, especially after you hired Kate; I thought maybe I really wasn't good enough.

Gibbs mentally cursed Tony's father for literally destroying his son's self confidence; he couldn't help but wonder how DiNozzo managed to turn out so well. With Anthony DiNozzo, Senior, as a father, Tony had to have had a difficult childhood; after dealing with Tony's dad, he no longer doubted the truth in the stories that DiNozzo often told.

"Remember what I told you when I hired you? I don't waste good and you are better than good; you are the best young agent I've ever worked with. Don't you ever let anyone tell you otherwise; do you understand me?"

"I got it," Tony sighed, doubt and uncertainty still evident in his quiet tone.

Gibbs suddenly found himself wishing that he could go back in time and do things differently; maybe he should have been more patient and less demanding but there was nothing he could do to change the past. Of course, Tony wouldn't have been able to handle a kinder and gentler Gibbs; that fact had been proven several times over the last few years.

"Can I ask you a question?" DiNozzo quietly asked.

"Sure."

His gaze followed Tony's sluggish movements as he raked a shaky hand through his hair; it was obvious that DiNozzo was now trying to stall and Gibbs briefly considered trying to wait him out. However, patience wasn't one of his stronger points when it came to the welfare of his family.

"I'd love to take a shower; as pretty as the nurses are, I'm kind of getting tired of sponge baths."

"I can only imagine." He knew that one of the things that DiNozzo had to overcome was the feeling of helplessness that went along with an injury like he had received. Tony had to realize that it was all right to ask for help and that there were those who were more than willing to do what they could do to assist him. Gibbs understood Tony's reluctance because he would have the same apprehension about letting people get too close; they were definitely more alike than either of them realized or cared to admit.

"So, do you think you could help me?"

"Yeah, as soon as you do something for me."

"What's that?"

"Tell me what was it was that you really wanted to ask me," Gibbs insisted.

Tony shook his head. "It's not important."

"It must be if you mentioned it."

He wasn't about to let Tony off that easy; it was past time to get things out in the open so that they could move forward. They had both accepted that the shooting was truly an accident and although Gibbs was going to have to live with the fact that he was responsible for what had happened, the two men had come to a mutual agreement that nothing they could do would change the past and they both needed to move on. However, there was a lot more that he needed to say; actually what he had to say should have been said years ago. Gibbs couldn't help but wonder if his aloof nature and gruff manner made him just as responsible for Tony's insecurities as his father was.

"Do you think God has it in for me?" Tony finally asked.

"What do you mean, Tony?"

Confused by DiNozzo's question, Gibbs had to admit that his curiosity was piqued as he silently attempted to figure out what was going on in Tony's mind. He was going to have to let DiNozzo set the pace or he would risk losing this moment forever; the team leader recalled from experience that when Tony shut down emotionally, that the thought or memory was buried forever and DiNozzo would never speak of it again. That was how he had survived a lonely childhood as well as the difficult times in his adult life.

"I uh…sometimes think that maybe God doesn't like me very much."

"Why would you think that?"

"I don't know; just a feeling." Tony laid his head back against his pillow. "I kind of started feeling that way right after my mom died; I always thought He was mad at me and that's why He took my mom."

Gibbs knew how Tony felt and despite the fact that he seldom shared anything about his personal life, the team leader was fully aware that if he wanted to reach DiNozzo, he was going to have to take down the walls that he had erected around his heart after the death of his family and be honest with Tony.

"I used to think that too," he began. "Right after Kelly and Shannon died, I was angry at God; I figured that God was paying me back for something I had done."

"Yeah," Tony quietly agreed.

"It took a long time before I realized that it wasn't necessarily me; I had to come to grips with the fact that sometimes things just happen that we have no control over and we have to learn to simply go on."

"So you don't think that everything that's happened to me is my fault? Maybe it's some kind of punishment for…"

Gibbs shook his head. "You're not being punished. Everything that happens either makes us stronger or destroys us; whether you realize it or not, you're one of the strongest men that I know. You haven't let circumstances dictate the direction that your life is taking; you've chosen to go on and face what life has dealt you and to me, that makes you a hero."

"Sometimes I feel like all I'm doing is waiting for the other shoe to drop."

"I'll pull you out of the way," Gibbs promised.

Tony tiredly grinned at him. "Actually, you may just have to roll me out of the way," he teased.

"I can do that too, DiNozzo."

Gibbs handed Tony a cup of water and braced his trembling hand as he took a drink. "Don't they have any coffee in this place?"

He glanced at the cup on the table beside DiNozzo's bed. "Believe me, you don't want it."

"You're probably right."

"I usually am."

"You got a point there, Gibbs."

The former Marine knew that Tony still had more on his mind. He and DiNozzo usually didn't have problems talking their issues out but their discussions usually involved bourbon and a boat; of course, that was before he had turned Tony's world upside down by a couple of misplaced bullets. "Something else you want to say?" he pressed.

"Yeah," Tony answered, clearing his throat. "I want to…I want to thank you for everything you've done. I didn't do such a good job earlier thanking you so now that I have the chance, I want you to know how much I appreciate you having my six. My dad is not an easy man to deal with and well, he's not used to getting beat at his own game. I tried once but it didn't work out. Anyway," he sighed. I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am."

Gibbs shook his head; he was truly humbled by Tony's gratitude. "You don't owe me any thanks, Tony. Having each other's backs is what families do; it's what…a father does."

He swallowed hard as he waited for Tony's response. It had taken him years to admit to himself that he truly looked upon Tony as a son. However, now that he had acknowledged his paternal feelings to Tony, there was no turning back; DiNozzo needed to know what it was like to have a father who accepted him for who he was and he sincerely hoped that Tony didn't feel like he was overstepping his boundaries by wanting to be that person.

"Just because my dad is jerk doesn't mean that you're obligated to fill in, Gibbs; I can't take the place of your family."

"You're missing the point, Tony." Gibbs hadn't expected DiNozzo to assume that he had made the declaration out of pity, but he should have known that although he was no longer around, Senior had left his imprint causing Tony's insecurities to become transparent. "You're my family. If Shannon and I had ever had the chance to have a son, I could only hope that he would have turned out like you."

"Like me?"

"Yeah, like you," Gibbs replied. "Your dad has no idea what he's missing out on; if the man had a lick of sense, he'd be figuring out how he was going to make up for years of neglect instead of trying to figure out how to put you away."

"He's always been more interested in scoring the big one than in being a father," Tony mused. "I guess I kind of got used to not being a priority and…"

"A child shouldn't question his place in his father's life and I don't want you to question your place in my life. I uh…know that I'm not the easiest person to put up with but I want you to know that I'm here for you; like a father should be for his son."

Tony's features were schooled, making it difficult for Gibbs to figure out what the younger man was thinking. DiNozzo had always been able to disguise his true feelings under his frat boy persona but ever since the shooting, his emotions had been close to the surface causing Tony to be more serious and contemplative. He wished DiNozzo would say something but so far, he had remained silent.

Clearing his throat, he moved to sit on the edge of Tony's bed. "I always assumed that you knew that I thought of you as a son; I shouldn't have done that. I didn't want anyone to get to close but somehow you did; sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself.

His confession was met with a brief silence; although it was only a few seconds before DiNozzo answered him, it seemed like an eternity. "It's funny," Tony finally replied. "I've always looked up to you; wanted to be like you. I thought that maybe if I proved myself to you, then I could prove myself to my dad."

Tony's gaze was now fixed on his hands as he carefully fingered the sheet. The team leader could sense the uncertainty in his friend and it concerned him; the last thing he had wanted to do was to resurrect the insecurities that Tony tried to keep locked away.

"It took me a while to figure out how you operated," DiNozzo admitted. "It bothered me that you could seemingly see right through me; truthfully, it scared me that you didn't buy my act. I wanted to be the perfect agent but after that first case, I realized that I was anything but perfect. But, I still felt like I needed to prove something to you when actually, I had something to prove to myself."

"And what was that?" Gibbs quietly inquired.

"That my father was wrong about me. My dad told me one time that I was going to end up in the gutter but I didn't; of course, I'm not counting my time in the sewer with Atlas."

Gibbs recalled how after Tony had been found, he had told DiNozzo that he was irreplaceable and he truly had meant it; however, he wasn't so sure that his senior field agent took it as a compliment, especially after seeing McGee at his desk. Tony's reaction at the time had been humorous but now looking back, he wished that he had taken the young man aside and reassured him of his importance. Tony often deserved better than what he gave him and from now on, he vowed to remember that and make sure that DiNozzo was never uncertain of his place in his life.

"Your dad's an idiot," he blurted out.

"Yeah, I know," Tony sighed. "It shouldn't matter to me what he thinks."

"But it does."

"Maybe a little, but his opinion has never mattered as much as yours. I kind of always thought that it would be cool to be Leroy Jethro Gibbs' kid, but I...just kept those thoughts to myself. I…uh…after we found out about Kelly and Shannon, I just kind of figured that you didn't need another kid, so I just decided that as long as I was a part of your life, that everything was all right with the world."

"But now?" he pressed.

"Now, I don't know what to say. I'm honored and a bit humbled by the fact that you think of me as a son. I kind of feel like this weight has been lifted and that I no longer have to prove myself to anybody. I feel like I…belong."

"I'm sorry it took a tragedy to make me come clean and I'm sorry that I assumed that you understood how I felt. I guess the head slaps didn't relay the messages that I intended them to."

Tony winced as he gave a slight shrug. "I've always taken them as a sign of affection."

"So I can still head slap you?"

"Whenever you think I need it, Boss."

"Usually at least once a day?"

"Really?" DiNozzo teasingly questioned. "I guess you probably still owe me a few."

"More than a few, DiNozzo."

"Give me a few weeks before you start collecting; at least let me get my wheels."

It was good to hear Tony thinking so positively about his future; the events of the past few days had obviously changed his outlook on life and Gibbs was thankful that DiNozzo was now fighting for himself and for those who cared about him.

"It's a deal," Gibbs stated. "For now, you get some rest; if everything goes as planned, you'll be going back to the rehab hospital in a day or two and then you'll have your work cut out for you."

"I think I'm ready now; I'm through feeling sorry for myself. I'm paralyzed, not dead. It's time I get my act together."

"I think you're headed in the right direction."

"Me too and with my…dad out of my life, I can't pass up this chance to move forward."

In a silent gesture of assurance, he gently gave Tony's good shoulder a gentle squeeze. "You better or I'll kick your ass."

He didn't miss the mischievous glint in Tony's eye; it was gleam that had been missing for a long time, possibly even years and now there was life in his eyes once again. Gibbs proudly shook the trembling hand that Tony had extended. "There's not a doubt in my mind, Boss; not a doubt in my mind."

It was time for DiNozzo to rest; he had accomplished what he had set out to do and as Gibbs stood to leave, Tony weakly grabbed onto his wrist. "Hey Gibbs?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't think I've ever heard you talk so much in all the time I've known you."

"You probably won't ever again," Gibbs chided. "I just had a lot of things that needed to be said. I wanted you to know that I'm here for you and…"

"You don't have to say anything else, Gibbs. I know."

Gibbs nodded as he placed his calloused hand on top of Tony's. "Yeah, DiNozzo, now you know."

Whew! I hope you enjoyed the chapter and the long awaited talk between Gibbs and Tony! It is my goal to have my other two stories updated by next Tuesday before I go on Christmas vacation. I'm not sure how much I'll post while I'm off work but I will be writing and I will be finishing this story over the holidays!

Thank you all for your patience during this busy month! The production at work was a huge success and now I just have two more to do but work has calmed down so that has helped my stress levels immensely! Again, I'm so blessed to have the most amazing readers and just in case you don't read my other stories, I want to take the opportunity to wish my readers a Wonderful Holiday Season! Merry Christmas!