Songs About Me
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Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.
Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Evanescence or any lyrics.
Chapter 36: Imaginary
"Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming / Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights / Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming / The goodness of imaginary light." - Imaginary, Evanescence
Rachel paces nervously in the hospital hallway. Chelsea's in an exam room with Marc. She hasn't left his side since they got here. Rachel watches a doctor go into that exam room. She hopes her uncle is all right.
Rachel keeps getting in people's way so she forces herself to lean against the wall. Even though she's standing still, she can't keep from fidgeting. She has too much nervous energy as tonight's events go through her mind. Wringing her hands, she can't believe her father came back for her. He came back for her even though he didn't want her; he just wanted to own her. He didn't want her, just as he didn't want her mother.
Rachel can't believe her father was going to get rid of her. She can't believe that he tried to get rid of her mother. When Rachel said what she thought he did, Trigon didn't confirm it but he didn't deny it either. She doesn't want to believe her father would be so horrible.
Rachel lets out a shaky breath as a memory comes to her. Back when everything happened, when she thought her mother attempted suicide, Rachel came home early because she was sick. It wasn't because it was a half day of school. Trigon was expecting that to be Angela's last day. There was no way he could've guessed that his daughter would come home sick. Once his daughter found Angela, he had to react, as a distraught husband should. He had to call for help no matter how much he wanted to let his wife die.
Rachel runs her hands through her hair, 'My father attempted murder. He would've killed mom if I hadn't messed up his plans. Is that why he hates me so much? He would've killed me if Marc hadn't pushed me out of the way. Why do things keep going so horribly wrong?'
The dark-haired teen jumps when a hand touches her shoulder. "Rachel, it's okay. It's just me," says Chelsea.
"How's Uncle Marc?"
"The doctor's in there stitching him up. He's going to be o-"
"Mom!" The two turn to see Eli running down the hall. "Where's dad!"
"He's okay. I was just telling Rachel that."
"Mrs. Daniels said that some crazy maniac broke into the house and he had a gun. She said dad was shot."
Chelsea tries to stay calm for her son. "Your father was shot …"
"Oh my God!"
"He's okay. He was shot in the shoulder. The doctor's stitching him up now. He'll be good as new in no time."
Eli's relieved that his father's going to be okay. "The police caught who did this, right?"
"Yes, the police have him now. Where's Lottie?" Chelsea needs to know her daughter is safe. "Does she know all of this?"
"She's at the Daniels's house and she only knows that you guys had to come to the hospital because dad got hurt. She doesn't know what happened. Mrs. Daniels only told me what she knew after I made her. She tried to make me stay but I couldn't." The teen shakes his head. "Who does this kind of thing? Who breaks into a house and threatens to shoot people? Shouldn't someone that crazy be locked up?"
Rachel looks down at the floor. "I'm sorry."
Eli's confused. Why is Rachel apologizing? "What? Why?"
"I'm sorry. It was my father. He came to get me."
"What! Your father did this to my father? What the hell! Did you know he'd do this?"
"I never thought he'd have a gun."
"But you thought he'd come for you?"
"I was always afraid of that."
"Oh my God! What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Eli!"
"You put innocent people in danger. Because of you my dad was shot."
"Eli Christopher Madsen! Enough!"
"No, he's right. I'm sorry. My family has tried to mess up your family. I'll give you two some time alone. I'm sorry. I never imagined anything like tonight happening." Rachel turns and hurries down the hall.
Chelsea calls after her, "Rachel, wait." Rachel disappears around the corner. Chelsea turns to her son. "Eli Christopher, why would you say something like that?"
"I'm sorry, mom. I'm just scared about dad and you. I didn't mean it, I'm sorry. I was just so scared when I heard dad was shot."
"I understand," Chelsea holds her towering son tight, "I know you're scared. So was I. We all were; including Rachel."
"I know and I didn't mean what I said. I realize this wasn't Rachel's fault."
"I knew you couldn't be that cruel." Chelsea reaches up and messes up Eli's hair. "Go find Rachel and apologize to her. She probably knows you didn't mean the things you said but she needs to hear it."
"But what about dad?"
"He's fine but I'll call you if anything changes. Now, go."
It doesn't take long for Eli to find Rachel. She's sitting on a bench. Her elbows are on her knees and she's holding her head in her hands. Even though she's trying to calm down, she still shuddersoccasionally. Not wanting to startle her, he slowly walks over to her. "Hey," he says.
"Hey," she returns.
"Mind if I sit down?"
Rachel shrugs her shoulders. "It's a free country." She refuses to look at her cousin. She doesn't want him to see that she's been crying.
Eli sits down next to Rachel. They're both quiet for a while. At the same time they both say, "I'm sorry."
Eli goes first, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I said. I was scared about my parents, especially dad when I heard he'd been shot. I didn't know how bad it was. I had all sorts of terrible thoughts going through my mind."
"No, you don't have to apologize. You were scared, I get it. I was terrified. I still am." Eli notices that Rachel's hands are still a little shaky. He feels as if she has something to say so he remains quiet.
Rachel continues, "He used to say that he'd destroy me if the secret ever got out. He beat me pretty badly a few times when he thought I might get away from him. But when they took me away and I didn't see or hear from him, I honestly thought he was done with me. Never in a million years would I imaging that he'd show up like that. I'm sorry, if I did, I never would've stayed at your house."
"It's not your fault, Rachel. You can't control what crazy ideas your dad gets." Rachel just shrugs her shoulders. "C'mon, let's go check on my dad."
Rachel slowly follows her cousin. When they get to the exam room, she hangs back not wanting to get in the way. He doctor's done stitching Marc up. To be sure there's no infection, he has to stay the night.
Chelsea wants to stay with him but Marc insists he's all right. "Chels, go home with the kids. I'm fine now."
Rachel spends most of her time in her room. She joins the Madsens for meals but she's quieter than usual. Marc and Chelsea are concerned about her. They're afraid that Trigon showing up as he did, set back Rachel's progress.
One day, nobody can find Rachel. Marc and Chelsea try calling her friends but they haven't heard from or seen her. Rachel's friends promise to call if they do. Now Marc and Chelsea are really worried. They don't think she'd do anything dangerous to herself. They're mainly nervous about her safety. Trigon's out on bail. They don't think he'd do anything right away but they're still worried.
Marc drives around the city, searching places he thinks Rachel might go. He's not having any luck when he remembers something Rachel said when she first moved in with them. Slowly driving through the old cemetery, Marc searches for his niece.
Rachel hears footsteps approaching her but she doesn't look up. She knows somebody would find her eventually. Continuing to pull weeds, Rachel says, "How did you find me?"
"I remembered you mentioned coming here. You said something about this place when I picked you up and we were going home." Marc watches his niece's hands tighten around the weeds. He's sure she's cursing herself for sharing such information.
"Well, you found me. You know I'm safe. So, you can go."
Marc sits down next to his troubled niece. "Rachel, you don't have to avoid us. What happened that night wasn't your fault. No one could know that your father would do that."
Rachel snappishly turns to look at her uncle, "I should've known. I should've known it was all too easy, getting away from him. I didn't know it at the time but he didn't let mom go. Mom just wanted to get us away from him and he tried to kill her. I let the secret get out and I wanted to escape. I should've known he'd come after me."
"There's no way you could've known," says Marc softly.
Rachel looks down at the blade of grass in her hand. "I just wanted a chance to be happy. To not have to watch everything I do. I was so selfish. I was so stupid to think I could be happy."
"Rachel, you're not …"
"Lottie's having nightmares. She shouldn't have nightmares about someone barging in and threatening to kill her family. I did that. I lead my father to you. And you, you got shot trying to protect me."
"I'm okay."
"But what if you weren't? What if you were seriously shot? What if you died? What if my father shot Chelsea and me? What would've happened to Eli and Lottie? What if …"
"That didn't happen. I'm okay; we're safe. He can't get to us anymore. He'd be foolish to try anything."
Rachel shakes her head. "Every time I have a chance at being happy something horrible happens. It's as if I'm cursed. Things used to only happen to me but now they're happening to innocent people who try to help me. If you were smart you would just get rid of me, send me back."
"You're family; we're not …"
"Being family doesn't mean anything; not to my father. And he doesn't have to do anything himself. He can send somebody, like he sent Slade."
Marc's wondered about that. He's wanted to ask his niece about the night she was attacked but never got the chance. "You mentioned earlier and the other night that your father was there. Was he really there when you were attacked?" He can't imagine not helping someone in danger, especially if it was his daughter.
Rachel picks up a pebble and fiddles with it. She takes a deep breath before letting it out slowly. "I've only told the police the whole story about that night. I-I've never told anyone I know what happened." She stops for a moment. When Rachel starts speaking again, she's barely above a whisper, "I realize my father hated me. He had to, to send Slade. He'd warned me to stay away from Slade. I-I don't know if he sent him to do that or simply to scare me. I'll probably never know. I don't think I want to know. I'd hate to think he's that evil. And I'll never know how long he was standing there, what he saw. But he had to have seen I was in danger. Slade had one hand over my mouth and the other …," Rachel can't continue but her uncle understands what she's saying. His heart aches for her. He knows it isn't easy for her to open up, especially about this. "I thought for sure my father would save me, rescue me. But he didn't. He walked away, drunk. He didn't, he doesn't care about me."
"I'm sorry."
"I felt so rejected, unloved. I couldn't understand why it was happening to me. I didn't understand why my father would leave me alone with that, that monster. Couldn't he see what was going to happen to me or didn't he care? Was he too drunk to care? Or maybe he just hated me that much."
"I'm sorry," says Marc again. Rachel's anger, especially towards her father is understandable. After hearing that Trigon practically walked away while his daughter was being raped, makes Marc's blood boil. He'd love to tear into his horrible brother-in-law. Marc can only imagine that what he's feeling is only a fraction of what Rachel feels. No wonder she's a mess sometimes; not only was she raped but her father didn't help her.
Rachel slowly runs her fingers through her hair. She stops, grasping her head. She holds her head for a moment before dropping her hands in her lap. She looks so defeated. "Maybe they're right. Maybe it wasn't rape. Maybe it was like Slade said, just …bad sex."
Marc can't believe what she's saying. "Rachel …
"I have nothing to compare it to. I'd had a boyfriend but we, I'd never …I was confused. I was beyond scared; I was terrified. I didn't know, I couldn't believe what was happening. I was so confused. I-I just stopped fighting him. I let Slade continue to violate me."
"Rachel, you did nothing wrong; they did. Your father was wrong for hurting you and sending Slade for whatever reason. Slade was wrong for what he did. He raped you."
"Slade was rough and intrusive but I stopped fighting him. I didn't even scream, I could only cry while he …. After that, I didn't, I couldn't go to the police or a doctor to report it. That's why my ex-boyfriend's mom didn't believe me when I tried to tell her. I thought she would understand. She said I was wrong to accuse a guy of something so horrible only because I regretted having sex. I didn't say the words: 'I wasraped' but …I thought she understood what I was trying to say. I was confused, I thought he was wrong, not me."
"Slade was very wrong. He had no right to take advantage of you like that. No man does. You were scared and confused and that's more than enough reason for him to have stopped. He used you to gain control and that was extremely wrong. No one has the right to take another person's control like he did. I'm so sorry he hurt you."
A desperate Rachel looks up at her uncle. "Then you …believe …me? You don't think that I was the one who was wrong? You really think what Slade did was wrong? I mean, I don't even remember if I said no."
Marc supportively hugs his niece. "Rachel, you did nothing wrong. Maybe you should've seen a doctor sooner but that's only so you could start healing sooner. The fact that your family doesn't change my opinion or how I feel. I'm so sorry you're hurting."
Rachel clings to her uncle and sobs. "I h-h-hate them s-so m-much. A-and I-I hate mys-self for not s-stopping things s-sooner."
"Rachel, you did nothing wrong. I understand why you feel like that but you did nothing wrong. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you."
Wiping her eyes, Rachel pulls away from her uncle. "You didn't know. You didn't know anything about me, thanks to my father."
"I knew Angela was pregnant and I never checked on her. Your mom thought our parents were too controlling. She rebelled against them and got involved with Trigon. I didn't know him but I was busy with my life so I never tried to get to know him. Maybe if I did, I would've seen that he was also controlling. At least I should've checked on her after you were born."
"It probably wouldn't have made a difference. When I was little, he wasn't really that bad. As I got older, things got worse. I thought it was just me. I never imagined mom went through it too. I miss her so much."
"Would it help if we went to see her?"
The dark haired teen perks up, "You really think we could?"
"Not today; it's too late. I'll call and make an appointment. The first chance we get, we'll go see Angela."
"Thank you, Uncle Marc," Rachel leaps at him, hugging him. "I'm sorry for being so much trouble."
Marc hugs his niece then holds her by her shoulders at arm's length. "Don't be sorry, just work on getting better. Be happy, like the girl Angela wants you to be. Get back at your father that way; be happy and get on with your life."
Though Rachel has tears in her eyes, she's smiling. "I'll try." Her smile fades. "I'm sorry I've worried you and Aunt Chelsea so much. I didn't mean to do that."
"We know that you're upset but we're here for you. You can always talk to either one of us."
"I know. I-I'm just not used to sharing things. And I didn't want to make you mad. I like living with you guys; I didn't want to leave."
"Rachel, you're not going anywhere. Sometimes, Chelsea and I get angry, it human nature. Maybe we're mad at each other, maybe the kids or maybe it's something else but after some time things are okay again. If we do get mad at you, we're not going to write you off and abandon you. You're family. You can't get rid of us that easily."
Rachel's tears have started up again. "I know. I know that's how it should be but …It was never that way with him. If I wanted my father's love, I couldn't make a mistake, I couldn't make him angry. Love was a conditional thing for him; I had to earn it. I tried not to share things with him that might make him mad. That would've been a mistake. I couldn't make mistakes but I couldn't be perfect either. If I were perfect, that would've been a huge mistake. In my father's eyes, he was the only one allowed to be perfect. All I wanted was my father's love."
Marc hugs his niece again, trying to comfort her. "Of course you did. There's probably a part of you that still wants that. It might not be the same but I hope you know that Chelsea and I love you." Rachel nods her head against her uncle's chest. "We almost think of you as one of ours. We can't imagine you not being with us."
Rachel breaks away from the hug. She self-consciously wipes away her tears. "I'm sorry, again."
"Like I said, we're family and we're all stuck with each other. Good or bad, we're all together and nobody's giving up on anybody, okay?" The dark-haired teen nods that she understands. "Come on, let's get you home. You must be tired and hungry."
Rachel nods again as they get up from their ancestor's grave. As they're walking to the car, Rachel thinks how good it feels to be going to a real, honest home. Somewhere where people care about and love her. It's been along time since she's felt like this. Despite what her uncle said, Rachel doesn't want to jeopardize things. She will work hard at getting better. She wants to make them proud and not regret taking her in.
A few days later, on a warm, sunny afternoon, Rachel decides to enjoy it by sitting on the deck and reading. Everything in the house is back to normal. Well, almost. There's still some tension between Rachel and Eli. She's not exactly avoiding him or any of them; she just wants to give them some space. It's peaceful and quiet until her cousins come out to play basketball. Rachel remembers hearing Lottie asking Eli if he'd play with her at breakfast.
Rachel tries to ignore them and read her book but occasionally she ends up watching them. Lottie notices her cousin keeping an eye on them.
"Eli?" says Lottie.
"What?"
"Come here."
"What is it?"
"Rachel's been watching us. She pretends that she's reading but I've seen her watching us. Do you think she'd want to play with us?"
"She doesn't seem like the athletic type."
"We're just goofing around, playing basketball. We're not playing in the NBA finals. Do you think we should ask her to join us?"
"Sure, if you want to but don't be disappointed if she doesn't join us." Eli's sure that his cousin will do what she always does when the family does something together; turn them down. He knows that she's been through a lot but he wishes that she'd open up a little.
"I won't because she's gonna join us." Lottie calls out to her cousin, "Hey, Rachel?"
Rachel looks up from her book, "Yeah?"
"Wanna play some basketball?"
"Uh, no thanks."
"C'mon, it'll be fun."
"I'm not really into all that sports stuff."
"See," says Eli to his sister, "I told you so." He's afraid it'd turn out like this.
Lottie wrinkles her nose at her brother, "What are you afraid of loosing to a couple of girls." Lottie turns to Rachel, "It'll be fun."
Before Rachel can say anything, Eli says, "I'm not afraid, I just don't wanna push Rachel into doing something she doesn't want to do."
Lottie repeats what she said moments ago, "We're just having fun, goofing around. Please, Rachel, say you'll play. Just for a little bit. If you don't like it, if you're not having fun, you can stop. Ple-ease."
Eli says to his cousin, "You might as well say yes cuz she's not gonna let up."
"Okay, okay," Rachel holds her hands up, "I'll play, but only for ten minutes. I'm warning you, I'm no good at this."
Thirty minutes later, Chelsea looks out the window. She hears something she's never heard before. The three kids are playing basketball and laughing. Chelsea smiles, she's only heard Rachel softly laugh but never heard her laugh like that. All three kids are laughing so hard that they're doubled over. Chelsea's thankful that the three are back to getting alone again. When Lottie comes in, Chelsea moves away from the window so it's not obvious that she's been watching them.
"Having fun?" Chelsea asks her daughter.
"Yeah, we are." The girl has a large smile on her face. She goes to the refrigerator and pulls out three drinks. Instead of going back outside, Lottie sits at the kitchen table. Chelsea eyes her daughter curiously. "I'm just giving them a little time. You know, to talk."
Outside, Rachel and Eli sit on the deck steps. They're waiting for Lottie to bring drinks. They've finally calmed down from laughing.
Rachel glances over at her cousin who's fiddling with the basketball. She softly says, "Thank you."
"For what?"
"Thank you for letting me feel normal for a while; even though nothing is normal right now."
"It will get better." Eli looks over at his cousin and sees how worried she is. "The worst is in the past. Things can only get better. You and my dad are seeing your mom, right?"
"Yeah, tomorrow."
"You must be excited about seeing her."
"Yeah, and nervous. The last time I saw things didn't end so well."
"You'll probably feel better after you see her. And I'm sure it'll help once we're back in school and you have your friends around all the time. Things will get better."
Rachel smiles at her cousin, "Thanks."
"Now your game, there's no hope for you and basketball."
Rachel laughs, it's true; she's horrible at it. "Thanks, but it's not as if you're gonna be on the varsity team anytime soon."
"At least I can play. I think my grandma could play better than you did."
"In case you didn't notice, I made a basket."
Eli laughs hardily at that memory. Rachel was never close to making a basket. Slightly frustrated, she bounced the ball hard against the driveway. The ball bounced in the direction of the basket and went in. "That was by accident."
"It went in, didn't it? Isn't that what mattered."
"You need your friend, Richard, to show you lots of tips." Rachel sticks her tongue out at him causing both of them to begin laughing again.
When Lottie comes out with the drinks, she doesn't know what's going on. She's just glad that everyone's getting along again.
Rachel's relieved to be back in school. Her story's gone around school and occasionally she receives strange looks. But having her friends and cousin around helps a lot. She's thankful that she's back to a normal daily routine.
Even though Rachel's glad for school, she's still not used to it. It's harder than she thought to get back into the swing of things. She'll be happy when she stops forgetting things in different classrooms.
Forgetting the same book for the second time this week, Rachel annoyingly goes back to her last class. She's irritated with herself. She doesn't want to be late for meeting her friends but she needs that book.
Rachel stops upon entering the classroom. Kitten seems to be waiting for her. Rachel can only imagine what her former best friend has in store for her. Rachel glares at the blonde. "Save it. I'm not in the mood for what you have to say." What Kitten does next surprises Rachel.
Kitten doesn't say anything but goes across the room and puts her arms around a stunned Rachel. As Kitten hugs the teen, Rachel is still and stiff, holding her breath. Kitten simply says, I'm sorry, before she leaves Rachel alone.
Rachel looks blankly at the door where Kitten left. Her expression is a mix of surprise, confusion, disbelief and hope. If Kitten could have empathy for her then maybe there was hope for them. They could never get back what they'd lost but maybe they could stop being enemies. Maybe some day, they could almost be friends.
Shaking her head, Rachel breaks out of her daze. She goes to her desk, grabs her book and runs to her locker. If she hurries; she won't be late.
Fifteen minutes later, Rachel meets up with her friends at Kori's house. "Sorry I'm late."
"Do not worry. You are not late. Vic just showed up with snacks. Do you want candy or potato chips? I am having both, together."
Gar makes a face, "Dude, what strange combination of food will you eat when you're pregnant?"
"What do you mean?" asks Kori, innocently.
""Like, I dunno, but I think pregnant women are supposed to eat things like pickles and ice cream."
With a straight face, Kori says, "Why is that strange. That is tasty."
Gar almost falls out of his chair. "What? No. You can't … that's disgusting."
Kori starts to giggle. "You are right. That is disgusting. I like some odd combinations but I will not eat that. Ew, that is gross."
Everyone laughs at Gar's reaction. Richard says, "You really thought she'd eat something like that. Although, potato chips and M&Ms aren't bad. It's that sweet and salty thing."
"Dude! She's converted you. Next thing you know, you'll be mixing blue jell-o with your mashed potatoes and gravy."
"EW!" Everyone's grossed out by that combination. They all spend the next few minutes coming up with weird food combinations.
It takes some time but they're finally calming down from their laughing fit. "Hey, Rae," says Vic, "Weren't you gonna see your mom."
"Yeah, I did the other day."
"How'd that go?"
Rachel sighs, remembers the events from a few days ago. "I was nervous because I didn't know how she'd be. My anxiety increased when they wouldn't let us see her or her doctor. I thought that must mean she was worse than she was before.
"Well, Uncle Marc got more out of them then I ever could. Turns out, we could see her doctor, Dr. Ryan, because he wasn't her doctor anymore. My father had been paying him to keep my mom drugged. It didn't matter how much mom wanted to get better, she couldn't because of them."
"Oh, how horrible. What will happen to your mom? Will she get a good doctor and be able to get well?"
Rachel can hardly keep from smiling. "Yes, Kori, my mom should be getting better. And she's gets to do that here. We're moving her to a place here in Jump City. She'll be getting better and I get to see regularly. It's not gonna be easy." Rachel smile fades. "He messed her up. It seems that my father likes to do that to the females in his life."
"Rachel, if your mom's anything like you, then she'll make it."
"Thanks Richard. Once we got to see her, the visit went well. She recognized Uncle Marc and me. Not being poisoned by their drugs, she seemed better. I can't wait until she's better and can get out of the hospital."
Kori claps her hands. "This is wonderful. We must go shopping."
"Why?" Rachel doesn't understand.
"If your mom is coming home, then you must have something to welcome her."
"It's gonna be a while before she's here so we have time. We don't have to go shopping today."
"Nonsense. Shopping is needed. Come on. We are all going shopping."
The guys and Rachel groan. Rachel knows that her friend means well but simple shopping trips with Kori are far from simple. A short trip is more like a journey. Rachel smiles; if it means she'll have her mom back, then she'll go shopping with Kori everyday."
The last few days have been unusually warm; Rachel welcomes it. She actually enjoys wearing short sleeves. The scars on her arms are faded enough so they're not so noticeable.
After school, Gar finds Rachel at her locker. "Hey, Rae, um, I mean Rachel, are you doing anything this afternoon?"
"No. Why?"
"Oh nothing really, today's supposed to be the last nice day for a while. I was kinda wondering if you'd like to walk home through the park, with me."
"Yeah, sure, okay." Rachel's so focused on remembering her notes for history that she doesn't notice Gar's reaction. First, she doesn't see how nervous he is then she doesn't see how excited almost giddy he is. She doesn't realize that Gar practically asked her out on a simple date.
As they stroll through the park, they talk about simple things, such as school. Rachel's glad to be back in school. She likes having her friends and now her cousin around her.
They both enjoy walking in the warm sun. Even though she's comfortable, Rachel walks with her hands together. She occasionally rubs them together as if she's trying to keep warm. Gar notices this, "Are you cold? Here, let me help you." Gar stands facing Rachel. He wraps his hands around hers. It looks as if he's trying to warm her mitten less hands while they stand in a snowstorm, not on a warm autumn day.
"No, it's just a habit I guess. Too much nervous energy."
As Rachel looks up at Gar, she wonders about him. 'When did he get taller than me? We used to be about the same height. And he's not as scrawny as he used to be. His eyes are like jewels. I never noticed that before. I always thought they were just green. Green doesn't begin to describe them, emerald, peridot, and jade with flecks of gold. So full of life and energy.'
Gar steps closer to Rachel, shortening the distance between them. Slowly, he leans closer to her as she starts to lean towards him. Suddenly, Rachel jumps back and pulls her hands away from him. 'What's wrong?' Gar wonders, 'I hope I didn't scare her.' "Rachel, what's wrong?"
"I just remembered I have a session this afternoon. I have to go."
"Want me to go with you?"
"No. Thanks, though." Rachel takes off running down the path, leaving a dejected Gar. At the end of the path, before she has to turn, she stops. Rachel calls out to him, "Hey, Gar-field, thanks. I'll call you tonight."
Gar can't help smiling as he walks home. He almost kissed Rachel. And she called him Garfield. He wonders if that means he can now call her Rae.
Rachel rushes into Dr. Paterson's office. She's out of breath and her face is flushed. She's not focused and he wonders what's happened. "Rachel, are you all right?"
"What? No. Yes. No, I don't know."
"Did something happen?"
"Yeah, just now, in the park."
Dr. Paterson's worried. "Rachel, what happened?"
Rachel's blush intensifies. "I-I almost kissed one of my best friends, Gar."
"Did you want to kiss him?"
"Yes …I did but I didn't because I'm afraid."
"Why are you afraid?"
"I don't want to mess things up. I'm afraid of what will happen if we go beyond friends. We're close as friends and I don't want to ruin that."
"It could work out all right. It might not hurt to go out on a few dates just to see."
"No, I don't want to hurt Gar but I can't date him. We can only be friends; nothing more." Rachel runs her hands through her hair. "I can't believe I almost kissed him. Then I ran away before we could. Ugh, he must think I'm a complete spaz. He probably thinks I don't like him. The thing is, lately, I've been thinking about dating. I think I might be ready to be close with a guy."
Rachel realizes how that sounds. She shakes her head. "I'm not talking about going all the way. I just want things to be simple and to go slow. You know, like, holding hands, cuddling, and maybe kissing, simple things. But with how I reacted with Gar, maybe I'm not ready. After all, most guys want more action than just holding hands. I don't know, maybe I'll never be ready."
"You're right, maybe you're not ready. However, the fact that you're thinking about dating is a good sign. A few months ago, you wouldn't have been able to consider kissing someone. Perhaps you simply need some more time. Don't beat yourself up about this. Moreover, don't push yourself. You'll know when your ready. Everything will feel right."
"What about Gar? I don't want to tease him or lead him on. I don't want to give him false hope."
"Be honest with him. You can even tell him what you just told me. He sounds as if he's a good friend and that he'll understand. He'll probably be disappointed but if he truly cares about you and your well-being then he'll be patient."
Rachel nods, hoping that Dr. Paterson's right. She hates the thought of hurting Gar but she's more afraid of losing him if they get together then breakup. Just friends is best.