Chapter 36

Sara pulled her eyes away from her laptop and grabbed for the phone, glancing at the display as she answered breathlessly.

'How is she?' she asked without the customary greeting.

'She finally went to sleep' came Cameron's quiet voice.

They'd been exchanging texts most of the evening as Sara continued to fret about her daughter's state of mind and the impact Neal's little performance had had on her. Hope had spent the last few hours agitated and confused, unable to express how she was feeling, her ability to speak those one or two word sentences having vanished, at least temporarily.

'How's Mr. Caffrey doing?' Cam asked as Sara glanced at the clock.

'He's still with Peter but he should be home soon' she answered.

'He texted me about an hour ago and asked me to tell Hope he loved her' Cam said hesitantly. 'That seemed to help her settle a little bit and then she was able to go to sleep.'

Leave it to Neal to find a way to circumvent her very clear instructions - although, in this case, it seemed to have been the right thing to do in order to mitigate the damage he'd done earlier.

'Thanks Cam' Sara said. 'I'm… I'm sorry you had to see him like that…'

'Hey, don't worry about it. I'm part of the family, right?' he answered with a reassuring chuckle. 'And don't worry about Hope, I'm going to spend the night and I'll see you over at the Burkes tomorrow morning at 10:00.'

'Well, try to get some sleep, we've got a big day tomorrow' Sara said. 'And thanks… for being there for her.'

'Hey… where else would I be?' Cameron responded before hanging up.

Sara returned to her computer. She'd been researching alcohol withdrawal symptoms since she'd gotten home and there was no dearth of information online. Until such time as Neal agreed to get professional help, it was becoming increasingly obvious that he would not be able to quit cold turkey, no matter how much he wanted to. As well as the psychological withdrawal from alcohol, there were all the physical symptoms related to cutting it out completely after several weeks of abuse. Many websites advocated tapering off as a means to reduce consumption; anything else would be setting Neal up for failure and that wouldn't do any of them any good.

Keeping him off the road was a priority and she and Neal would need to have a frank discussion about how much he was actually consuming throughout the day. To be honest, except for his little performance that afternoon, she hadn't seen much in the way of impairment during the daytime hours. He was still getting up every day, going about his business, visiting Hope at the hospital and putting in some time at both the gallery and the school. This whole mess had started with his need to have a few drinks in order to fall asleep at night and she worried that if she tried to keep him on too tight a leash, things would become untenable for him.

She was no health professional and she was in no position to dictate a course of action in such a complex situation; for now, all she wanted was to keep him safe until they could get him the help he needed. If that meant letting him get his fill before bedtime, so be it.

'Hey Mom!' she heard as the front door slammed shut - she could never get him to close that damn door gently.

'In the kitchen' she called out as she closed the laptop and took a deep breath.

Liam appeared, looking more relaxed than the last time she'd seen him.

'How was the movie?' she asked as she hugged him.

'Good' he said in his usual understated way. 'Is Dad home yet?'

Sara shook her head and Liam could see clouds in her eyes.

'Mom, don't worry so much. I'm not a baby, I know Dad's hurting and that he hasn't been himself lately' he said, sounding wiser than his years. '… and my relationship with him is strong enough to get past this.'

'Oh, honey…' Sara said as she began to cry.

Liam reached out for his mom, taking her in his arms as she let herself be comforted by her son. He seemed to be at his best during hard times; he'd been steadfast during his dad's recovery from a bullet wound two years before and his calm demeanour had kept things from escalating on more than one occasion in the past.

'Mom…' he said as he pulled away. 'We're a family and we'll get through this.'

She scoffed at his ability to see the glass as half full. 'How come you're so smart' she said, laughing through the tears.

He smiled and shrugged and Sara suddenly saw Neal in his eyes. 'Because of you and Dad.'

WCWCWC

'Thanks for dinner, Peter' Neal said as they drove into the quiet suburban neighborhood. 'I'm sorry I put you through all this…'

Peter took his eyes off the road for a moment and glanced at Neal, his hand reaching up to touch his shoulder.

'We'll find a way to get through this, Neal. I know we will.'

Neal nodded and gave a half-hearted smile; he wished he had the same confidence his best friend seemed to have in him. He could already feel himself shaking and he cringed as he felt the sweat rolling down his back - the usual signs it was time to take a drink if he wanted to remain functional.

'I've decided I'm going to tell Sara tonight…' Neal began. '… about what happened with the police. She deserves to know the truth.'

Peter smiled. 'I think that's a good start' he agreed.

Neal stared down at his shaking hands and was overcome with doubts; as much as he wanted to do the right thing, he wasn't sure he had it in him. He needed a drink… badly.

'I don't think I can… quit cold turkey' he admitted, his voice shaky.

Peter looked sadly at the broken man sitting next to him. Neal had always had the ability to put a good face on things but now he was totally exposed and vulnerable and unable to see a positive outcome for his dire situation.

'Talk to Sara. She seemed like she was willing to cut you some slack… but Neal, sooner or later you're going to have to face this head on. You can't keep hiding from this thing.'

Neal looked ahead, his face tortured as he listened to Peter talk.

'Just remember you're not alone. You have so many people who love you, who care about what happens to you. It's up to you to decide if that's worth more than a bottle of scotch.'

WCWCWC

By the time Peter's car came up the driveway on Meadowbrook Street, Sara had decided on a strategy. She'd taken out the bottle of scotch from its not so secret hiding place behind the cleaning products and she'd pulled out a glass from the kitchen cupboard. She hoped she was doing the right thing; the last thing she wanted was to witness Neal having a meltdown right in front of her eyes.

She sat in the kitchen, waiting for him to arrive, welcome silence enveloping her after a most turbulent day. She wanted her husband back, her wonderful, sweet, caring husband but Neal's newfound fixation with where his next drink was coming from had taken him away from them and she needed to find a way to remind him of what was truly important in their lives.

With any luck, Hope would be coming home from the hospital soon and Sara needed her husband to be fully functional when that happened. Their daughter would need help to recover and Sara didn't feel up to facing that daunting task alone. Her musings were interrupted by noise at the front door and the soft voices of her husband and his best friend and she stood to welcome them home.

'Thanks Peter… for everything' she heard Neal say as they came into sight.

'No problem. Get some sleep' Peter said as he gave Sara a small wave and stepped back out into the night, leaving the couple alone to talk.

They stood face to face, Neal feeling his knees shaking; it had been a horribly emotional day and he was badly in need of a drink in order to settle his nerves. But most of all, he needed to confess his earlier lie to his wife and get that off his chest. His breathing grew shallow and he could feel his heart beating out of his chest as he waited for Sara to say something - anything.

'Are you all right?' Sara asked, not what he'd expected to hear after her earlier tirade.

'I could use a hug' he said, summoning his Caffrey persona and giving her a half-hearted, mischievous smile.

Her arms were instantly reaching out for him and he let out a long, anguished sob as he let his body melt into hers, so warm and so familiar. It was the first time in weeks they'd connected in a genuine, honest way. For weeks, he'd been busy hiding his drinking, keeping her from finding out how bad it really was, trying to avoid her probing gaze morning, noon and night and staying out of their marital bed so she wouldn't see through the lies and the deceptions. Their twenty year marriage had been based on trust and honesty and it all came flooding back as she held him tenderly without holding back.

'Sara…' he breathed into her hair. 'I'm so, so, so sorry.'

His body shook violently against hers and Sara worried that he might collapse if she didn't hold on to him tightly enough. She brought her arms around his waist to support him and pulled away to get a good look at his eyes.

'Neal, you're shaking' she said as they walked together towards the kitchen.

'I need a drink' he admitted without artifice; it was a little too late to be playing games.

His eyes went immediately to the bottle of scotch which sat on the table next to the empty glass and he turned to look at Sara, his eyes narrowing as he tried to put the pieces together.

She took his hand and led him to the table, inviting him to sit and in silence she walked over to the cupboard to get a second glass. Neal's eyes went from his wife to the bottle which sat there, taunting him, and he sat on his hands, determined not to reach out for it.

'We have a lot to talk about' Sara said as she sat and opened the bottle, pouring them each a glass. 'But I know you need one of these first.'

She handed him the glass and he reached out, his hand shaking to take it from her. His whole universe was focussed on the contents of that glass for a brief moment and he gave her a sad smile and brought the glass to his lips, downing it in one gulp as she took a small sip or hers.

'What about Liam? I need to talk to him… to apologize' Neal said, his voice shaky.

'He's already gone up to bed. You can see him in the morning' she answered reassuringly.

'Sara' he began, his hands laid out in front of him to keep them from shaking. 'We need to talk.'

She scoffed; if ever there was an understatement, that was it. They'd been ignoring the elephant in the room for the past several weeks and it was time for both of them to lay their cards on the table, no holds barred.

Sara poured Neal a second drink as he watched her in silence. He knew that within minutes, the shaking would subside and he'd feel better but he didn't want to overdo it; he needed his mind to be clear when he came clean about his whereabouts that fateful day.

'I lied to you' he said simply as her questioning eyes came up to meet his. 'That day you had the meeting with the prosecutor…'

Sara bit her lip and waited; obviously, Neal needed to get something off his chest and she didn't want to fly off the handle. There'd been enough drama for one day.

'There was no emergency at work, that was a lie' he continued, staring down at his glass. 'I'd been drinking that day and I was stopped by the police.'

'What?' Sara uttered in response to his shocking revelation.

Neal forced himself to stay on course and get through his confession. 'I was on my way to meet you - hell, I was just a few blocks away - and I got stopped for running a red light. They brought me in to the station and I had to give them a urine sample…'

Sara gasped as he spoke; this was so much more serious than she'd imagined.

Neal hastened to continue. '…but I wasn't over the legal limit… thankfully' he said as his eyes returned to his glass and this time, he paused and took a gulp before continuing. 'I know… I know that doesn't make it right but… well, I got lucky and after that, I was so careful about how much I had during the day.'

He watched the hurt and sadness in her eyes and his hand went to hers as she sat there, stunned by what she was hearing.

'I swear, Repo, I never, ever drove drunk… I would pace myself and have an ounce or two every few hours but… that day, at Liam's school, I was not drunk.'

'Neal, how did it get this bad?' Sara asked rhetorically.

He shrugged, looking sad and broken and for a moment she was afraid she would never get him back.

'I'm going to quit, I promise' he whimpered. 'Just give me a chance… please Sara, don't throw me out. I'll do anything you ask but… I can't bear the thought of not being with you and the kids. Just give me some time to work this out' he pleaded as his eyes filled with tears.

'Neal, you're going to need help…' she began as he interrupted.

'No, no. I can do this, I swear I can do this, honey. I swear…just… just… just give me a chance. Please Sara, please' he begged as he squeezed her hand.

Sara wiped the tear that had fallen onto her cheek and looked into his desperate eyes. It was going to be hard to bring him to the realization that this was an addiction and that he would need professional help in order to give it up. She thought ahead to the following day when they would all be getting together to discuss how to proceed and she felt stronger knowing she wasn't alone in finding a way to work this out.

For tonight, her job was to keep him safe and she stood, moving in nice and close to him as she reached out and cradled his face against her chest. He moaned softly in response to the unexpected gesture and he melted into her, bringing his arms around her waist as he began to weep softly. They remained like that for a few moments, in complete silence, he, drawing strength from her and she, delighting in feeling his warm, loving arms around her.

'Honey…' Sara said as she pulled away, taking his face in her hands and looking into his mournful eyes.

'Do what you need to do' she continued as she nodded with her head in the direction of the poison on the table. 'And then come to bed, okay? I'll be waiting for you.'

Neal nodded and gave her a sad smile before letting her out of his grasp and turning grudgingly, yet lustfully, towards his new mistress.

TBC