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Hey guys, thanks for reading/reviewing, here comes the dreaded talk, hope it doesn't disappoint
Chapter 34 – If You Want a Tent
An impatient Burt Hummel stood at his living-room window with the curtain pulled back scanning the streets for a sign of his son. Kurt and the Puckerman kid were ten minutes later than Burt had been expecting. Spying their car, he let the curtain slip back into place and peered through a small gap so the two boys wouldn't see him. He watched on as the pair stepped out of the car, falling into one another's arms as they laughed about something. Burt looked away when Puck pressed Kurt up against the side of the car for what was clearly more than just a peck on the lips.
Moving to the front door, Burt kept his eyes down as he pulled it open and gruffly pointed out the teenagers were late.
"Sorry, dad," Kurt apologised having the decency to look shy and embarrassed. "Is dinner nearly ready?" he asked grabbing his boyfriend's hand and leading him up the driveway. "Do you need any help in the kitchen?"
"Just go and sit down," Burt instructed. "I'll get you something to drink."
"Babe, I sorta got a bad feeling about this," Puck whispered to Kurt as they sat side by side at the dining table while Hummel Senior poured some drinks.
"Don't worry, Sweet Kitten," Kurt assured him petting Puck's shaved head fondly. "This dinner will be fun. You and my dad can bond some more. I think he's really starting to like you."
"Are you sure?" Puck asked doubtfully. "I kinda get the impression he's already planned where he's gonna hide my body parts."
Kurt just chuckled in amusement before capturing Puck's lips between his teeth and nibbling playfully just as his dad re-entered with the drinks.
"How was work today?" Kurt asked politely with his big doe-eyes as if he hadn't just been making out with a boy at the family table.
"Same old," Burt answered. "You kids ready for the big Nationals competition tomorrow?"
"Regionals," Kurt corrected smoothing out his hair. "I have to say I'm quite confident with the performances we have prepared. The New Directions started out as a band of misfit underdogs but now I believe we are true contenders. We have a real shot of winning this thing. You are going to come and watch aren't you?" Kurt asked hopefully.
"I wouldn't miss it," Burt promised. "Anyway, before I get the dinner out there's something I wanted to talk to you about."
"Hmm, what's up?" Kurt asked distractedly as he played footsy with Puck under the table.
"Well I realise you and I never really had the talk," Burt commented. "But you have a boyfriend now," he practically beamed in delight as both teens suddenly looked horrified. "So it is my responsibility to make sure you know all the details. How it works, how to be safe and the two cowboys in Brokeback Mountain had a tent. So if you want a tent, Kurt, I'll get you a tent."
"I don't need a tent," Kurt shook his head. "And I definitely don't need to have this discussion with you, especially not in front of Noah," he said frantically standing up. "This isn't happening, we are not doing this."
"Kurt Hummel, you sit your fancy-pants wearing ass down right now," Burt told him in a calm but stern tone. "Now we are having this talk whether you want to or not. And I tried to warn you, kiddo. I said tonight was supposed to be a father and son thing but you insisted that you bring your boyfriend. So I'm here, you're here, Puck's here and we're going to talk about sex."
"No," Kurt whimpered dropping his head in his hands and fighting hard against the urge to turn invisible.
"Yep," Burt continued. "S-E-X, sex. Boy on boy action. You got your hand-jobs, your blow-jobs, there's that rimming thing."
"Please stop," Kurt begged.
"Mr. Hummel, can I go home?" Puck asked keeping his eyes on the floor.
"What else?" Burt rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Double-ended dildos," he listed. "Butt-plugs, anal-beads, apparently there are some vibrating bullet things but you gotta be careful with those. If they get lost up you know where then that's an embarrassing trip to the emergency room. I guess we need to discuss anal fingering and stretching and full on anal penetration. By that I mean the penis fully entering the asshole and essentially that's what gay sex is. Now, have you decided who will be putting their penis in the other dude's ass?"
"Dad stop, we'll be safe, we'll use protection, this isn't necessary," Kurt pleaded unable to look at his father or his boyfriend.
"As I understand it," Burt carried on. "Some guys just use their spit to lubricate their partner. I guess saliva works ok for some dudes but personally I'd feel better if you boys actually used proper lube to, you know, make the old rocket launch a little easier."
"This isn't happening," Kurt cringed. "Tell me this isn't happening."
"It's getting worse," Puck realised as Burt brandished some pamphlets as well as a few other items.
"This pamphlet has some pretty detailed pictures," Burt pointed out to them flipping to a middle page. "You see, he's been well stretched by his partner, and his partner is wearing a condom. Have you boys ever put a condom on?"
"Oh come on, you know that I haven't," Kurt answered, his face redder than Coach Sylvester's tracksuit.
"Um, no, sir," Puck answered awkwardly when Burt looked to him with a quirked eyebrow in askance.
"Well, then you two should probably practice," Burt suggested decisively pushing a box of condoms towards them and reaching behind him to grab a banana and cucumber he had conveniently placed within reach for this very purpose. "Ok, kid, why don't you go first?" Burt said to Puck.
"Dad," Kurt complained but Burt just smiled before urging Puck to get started.
"Open the packet," Burt instructed and Puck did as requested with fumbling fingers. "Slip the condom out, that's good. You want the cucumber or banana?"
"Either," Puck shrugged just wanting the situation to be over.
"Have the banana," Burt passed him the yellow fruit. "Now, slip the condom on, carefully. You don't want to accidentally snap the latex. That'll be uncomfortable if you snapped it on a real cock."
Puck awkwardly rolled the condom onto the banana, accidentally splitting it open.
"Now that isn't safe," Burt pointed out indicating the split in the contraceptive. "If that happens you need to stop and get a fresh rubber. Never carry on if the things split. Try again," he passed a second condom to the guitarist. "That's better, good job," Burt approved once Puck had achieved better success on his second attempt. "Alright, Kurt, you're up, kid," he passed Kurt the cucumber and a condom.
"This isn't fair," Kurt whined feeling absolutely mortified.
"Kurt, if you're planning to share your body with another person then you need to know how to do these things," Burt told him seriously. "I want you safe. Of course ideally I want you virginal till you're about thirty but with Puckerman in the picture I don't see that happening. I can't stop you kids from acting on your urges but I can sure as hell make sure you know how to put a condom on and keep yourself protected against these sexually transmitted disease things. Go on, put it on," he insisted.
As it happened, Kurt fared much better with putting the condom on.
"There, I did it, can we stop now?" Kurt asked.
"Sure, we'll move on," Burt nodded and the teenagers breathed a temporary sigh of relief. "Now, back to this rimming thing…"
"Oh, please no," Kurt sighed while Puck shifted in his seat uncomfortably and started biting his nails.
"As far as I can tell one dude licks the other guy's butt," Burt claimed. "Not sure I get what the fuss it about, but whatever you're in to, boys, no judgement. Just be careful. Make sure you're clean. If you've been to take a dump recently before doing something like that then make sure you wipe yourself properly and clean away any mess. And maybe this type of thing will be more pleasant if you aren't too wild and hairy down there."
"Look, we get it," Puck interjected. "We'll use lube and condoms and we'll make sure we're stretched and prepped and we'll be gentle and everything. Fuck, man, I'll even be the one taking cock up his ass if it makes you feel better and gets you to stop talking to us like this."
"I think you should consider his offer to be on the bottom, Kurt," Burt said. "There's less risk of you getting hurt that way."
"I'm not going to get hurt," Kurt replied quietly. "Please can we just stop this now?"
"Ok," Burt relented seeing that his son was near tears due to his mortification. "Ok, we're done now," he agreed. "Just, read through these pamphlets, keep a hold of these," he pushed the condoms towards them. "And if something does go wrong, be responsible and go to the emergency room. It might be embarrassing but it's safer than trying to sort things out yourselves."
"Are we excused now?" Kurt asked hopefully.
"Absolutely not," Burt answered standing up. "Dinner's nearly ready." He headed towards the kitchen with an amused smile on his face while the two boys remained seated, awkward and embarrassed and unable to look at one another.
To Be Continued…
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