A/N: Another chapter for you guys! Merry (late) Christmas!
I hope you enjoy!
Those men had really been outside Rey's door all hours of the day. There wasn't a single moment that she wasn't being watched, and Maz hadn't seen the doors open once since Rey had been dragged inside. Three times a day, someone came with food, and every time, she refused it. Leia wasn't in much better shape. She hadn't left her quarters much in the past week, and things were noticeably falling apart. Poe was trying to keep everyone calm and in line, Finn was still trying to piece together exactly what had happened, and Luke paced the hall to the brig, up and down, every day. Only she and Chewie seemed to be holding it together.
No one outside of their group knew the whole story, but everyone knew the main detail: Kylo Ren was on base. They'd had to station guards at his cell door because of the sheer amount of attempts on his life since he'd arrived. Maz wasn't sure if Rey knew about them or not.
At the moment, Maz was deciding whether it would be better to demand entry to Rey's room or to sneak in. Either way, she had to talk to the poor girl. Only a few months ago, she'd been terrified she'd never see Ben again, and then he'd come back to her, only to be ripped away shortly after. And she'd had such high hopes for his return. Leia wouldn't receive any comfort, but maybe Rey would.
Finally, Maz decided that demanding entry would be more effective than sneaking in.
"Gentlemen," she said, striding up to the two guards stationed at Rey's door. "I'm here on behalf of Leia. I need inside."
They shared a look and Maz was sure she'd have to create a bigger lie, but they simply stepped aside and allowed her to enter. She smiled at them as the door opened, but her smile disappeared as soon as she walked inside the room. The door shut behind her, but Rey didn't even flinch.
She was sitting on her cot, her back against the wall. Her eyes were shut and for a moment, Maz thought she was asleep, but then she sighed and said, "I figured it wouldn't be long before you came."
"I would have been here sooner, but I've been a little tied down. Things aren't quite so peaceful outside this door."
Rey laughed humorlessly. "'Peaceful.' Not exactly the word I'd use, but sure."
Maz wasn't sure what to say. She could apologize but that wouldn't mean anything to Rey and she knew it. She could give her what little information she had on Ben, but it wasn't much, and it wouldn't offer much comfort. But she was spared the need to speak when Rey spoke for her.
"I assume you're not here to tell me I'm free."
"Unfortunately, no. But if there's anywhere you want to go-"
"There's only one place I want to go, and they'd stop me before I could even set foot inside, escort or no."
Maz sighed. "I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault." Again, a humorless smile wormed its way across her face. "We have Leia to thank for all of this."
Though Maz knew how Rey felt, she also knew how Leia felt, and that the decision she'd made hadn't been an easy one. "I know you want to blame Leia, but I did warn you that we'd need to give her some time-"
"You know, I stopped being able to feel him four days ago? At least, I'm assuming that's how long it's been, judging by how many times they've tried to bring me my meals. And at first, I was relieved because I didn't have to feel them beating him. Like clockwork, three times a day, probably when they were supposed to be bringing him food. I didn't have to feel every bruise and broken rib and sit in here in tears and in pain feeling useless because there was nothing I could do. Even though I wanted more than anything to be there for him, to let him know he wasn't alone, there was still a part of me that was thankful. And I assumed that he would open himself to me once they stopped. But then hours passed, and then a day, and I realized he wasn't going to open back up. I was angry, at first. But then I thought, maybe he didn't shut himself off. Maybe he died." Finally, she opened her eyes and even though she wouldn't look at Maz, Maz saw tears in them. "And you know what? Part of me was relieved about that, too. Some horrible, awful part of me. Because at least then he doesn't have to live with the fact that no one here cares about him but me. And what a sorry excuse I am for someone who cares. I'm the reason he's down there."
Maz blinked. There was a heavy silence that fell upon the room, and Maz wasn't sure what was worse: letting the silence stretch between them or breaking it.
"He's not dead, Rey," she whispered.
"Is that what they've told you?"
"He's not dead," Maz insisted. "They stationed guards at his door to keep anything from happening to him. He's fine."
Rey turned to look at her. "Do you know that? Have you seen him to know for sure? Someone's been beating him. The very people you set there to guard him could be the people responsible. But they'd never say anything about it, and you and I both know that."
"But-"
"Have you been down there, and looked him in the eyes and seen that he's alive?"
Maz was silent; she hadn't.
"Then you don't know that. And I can't go down there to make sure." Rey shifted so Maz could sit next to her. "I've thought about trying to sneak out. What's the worst thing they could do? Throw me down there in the brig with him?"
Maz climbed up next to her on the cot and put a hand on her arm. "Rey, I know you're worried, but causing more trouble won't solve anything."
"I want to know he's alive, Maz. Is that too much to ask?"
Maz sighed. "No."
Rey brought her knees up to her chest. "I just want out of this damn room. I feel so useless."
"You'd feel useless even outside the room. I do."
They sat in silence for a little while, listening to the sounds of life around the base. Even through the door, it was so loud. Maz could imagine that Rey'd been ready to leave since she'd gotten here.
"Is there anything I can do for you?"
Rey rested her chin on her knees. "Just...stay with me a little while?"
Maz patted her back. "Of course."
She shouldn't do this. She knew that. If anyone who knew her saw what she was doing, they would have told her she was crazy.
To be quite honest, Leia wasn't sure she'd be able to disagree with them.
But this was something she had to do, whether they liked it or not.
She'd taken every precaution, made sure there was no one else awake to see her besides the guards at his door. But even with all of that, she still felt like she was being watched. Every shadow that moved made her jump. But why? What she was doing wasn't wrong. This was her son, and she wanted to see him.
The guards posted at his door stood raised their weapons when she turned into the hallway.
"It's just me, boys," she whispered. "You're dismissed for now. I'll be down here for a little while."
They looked at each other, then back at her, eyes wide. "Ma'am, this is-"
"I'm well aware of who he is, gentlemen, as well as how dangerous he can be. But I'm confident that I'm capable of handling my own safety. I'd like some time alone with him. You're dismissed."
One of them opened his mouth to protest.
"That's an order."
He ducked his head and left, his comrade following after him. But once they were gone, Leia had to face the reality of what she was doing, who she was seeing after all this time. For a moment, all she could do was stare at the door. She very nearly turned and left, deciding this wasn't something she could do after all. But then her hand reached out and she punched in the code and the door opened before she could leave.
It took her eyes a moment to adjust. Before they did, it looked like the room was empty, and she panicked. Then the pile in the corner shifted.
"Just get it over with," it rasped.
Leia blinked. "What?"
Ben stiffened. It was deafeningly silent. Then finally, "You're not the guard."
"Get what over with?"
"Nothing."
Leia huffed. She grabbed the flashlight she'd had the sense to bring out of her back pocket and flicked it on, turning it towards his corner. "Get what over wi-"
She stopped short, her hand flying to her mouth. Her son had been beaten almost beyond all recognition. He certainly hadn't looked like that the last time she'd seen him.
"Have your guards been beating you?" she whispered.
He turned away from her. "Why are you here?"
"Who? Who are they?"
"I don't know-"
"What are their names?"
"How would I-"
"Is it all of them?"
"Would you just stop?"
Leia jumped. "Stop...what?"
"This. All of this. Stop pretending things are the same because they're not. I don't have the energy for small talk or for pretend; I know what I've done, and I know how I've hurt you, and you don't have to pretend to care just because you think you have to. You don't."
Leia sat heavily down on the cot in the corner of his cell. "Ben, I'm not here to pretend."
"Then why are you here?"
"Because I thought maybe you'd want to see me." She wanted to be surprised by the bitterness in her words, but she couldn't be. She knew exactly where it was coming from. "But that's crazy, right?"
Ben sighed. "No."
The silence stretched into seconds then minutes, and Leia grew less sure of herself with each one that ticked by. She felt guilty about throwing her own son down here even before she'd visited him, but now she felt even worse. They'd thrown him in the filthiest cell down here, beaten him senseless, and most likely hadn't otherwise taken care of him to her specifications. Maybe Rey had been right.
"I'm sorry."
It was so quiet Leia wasn't sure she'd heard him correctly. But then he continued, "I know there's nothing I could say to make any of what I've done go away, and it's a miracle already that you're down here talking to me. I know that me saying it means nothing. But I'm sorry."
Leia swallowed the lump in her throat. "Me too."
"No," he shook his head. "No. Don't apologize to me. Anything that happens to me or that has happened to me, I deserved."
"You didn't deserve to have me absent so much when you were a child. Or your father. You didn't deserve to have Snoke in your ear your entire childhood, or to have us send you to Luke when we never even asked if you wanted to go." Leia was tempted to reach out and touch him, but she refrained. "You're right. It doesn't excuse what you've done, and nothing will, but you didn't deserve it. I made some bad calls that affected you more than I realized, and I'm sorry."
There was a long pause. She heard Ben curl up against the wall. "I wish Dad were here."
This time, Leia wasn't fast enough to stop the tears. "Ben, we don't have to-"
"I didn't want to kill him." He hiccuped softly and it took everything in Leia to keep from reaching out and taking him into her arms like she had when he was a little boy. "I wanted to hate him but I couldn't. And then I…"
He let out a shuddering breath and a loud sob echoed around his cell. Leia slid to the floor, but she didn't approach him. Not yet. She wanted so badly to comfort her son, but it was so hard to see him as more than Kylo Ren. It forced her to wonder if she'd ever be able to only see him as her son ever again.
"It was supposed to make things better," he whimpered, "not worse."
Leia opened her mouth to say something but found she had nothing to say.
"It couldn't have made anything better," he continued. "I know it now, and I knew it then, too, but I needed to feel right about something. I couldn't come back to you but I wasn't enough where I was-"
He cut himself off.
"I was so lost. I still am. And now, I'm in so deep there's no way out. It's better that I'm in here. I'll be dead soon enough. Maybe that's what's best for everyone."
The way Leia's heart ached let her know that she was seeing him now as her son. But still, there was something in her that held back, something that wouldn't let her trust him.
"I don't deserve this," he said. "I don't deserve you sitting here talking to me. Leave me alone. I deserve to be left alone. Please."
"No."
He looked up at her, surprised.
"I'm not leaving. I came here to say something to you, and I intend to say it."
She took a deep breath and Ben tensed.
"I'm sorry I sent you down here," she said. "But when I saw you, I...well, I just wasn't sure what to think! What to do! It's been years, Ben! Years and years of you hurting me again and again, and then suddenly, there you are. And part of me wanted to reach out and hold you, but then I remembered you weren't an innocent boy anymore and you'd done things to hurt people. But you being so understanding of my decision just made me even more confused. I don't know what to believe anymore." Leia shook her head. "I can't forget what you've done. I won't. But I can't forget that you were once a little boy that I rocked to sleep, either."
Leia had thought Ben couldn't curl in on himself anymore, but he did now.
"Rey told us what happened while she was gone," she said, switching gears. "She said you left the Order. That you left the Order with her."
He didn't respond.
"I have a feeling she isn't telling us everything that happened. The way you two were together, what you said to her...it was different than she'd made it seem."
If she could hear Ben's side of the story, maybe she'd be able to tell what his motivations had really been. Maybe she could know just how truthful Rey was being. This could be what convinced her that her son was really back.
Still, he was silent.
Leia placed a hand over her eyes and rubbed her temples. "Ben," she said. "Why did you come back?"
"I wanted to be better."
She huffed. "Is that the only reason? I mean, you could have been better on some faraway planet in the Outer Rim, right? Especially since you escaped right out from under Rey's nose. Isn't that what happened? It would make perfect sense. That's what Rey told us."
Ben hesitated. "I'm sure whatever she told you was the truth."
Leia had had her suspicions about the true nature of Ben's "escape" since discovering how Rey felt about her son, but hearing his answer to her query was confirmation of her theory.
"She let you go," she said. "She let you go, but you came back. Why?"
"I don't want to put her in any position where she'd get hurt," he said turning towards the wall. "I shouldn't have said what I said earlier, if that's where all of this is coming from."
Leia reached out and took him by the chin, tilting his head up to look at her. "If you meant it, you should have said it. You caring about her doesn't endanger her."
He stared at her for a long moment, and Leia found it hard not to look away from his beaten features. "Look at me," he said finally. He sounded so broken and pitiful that tears reappeared in Leia's eyes. "You don't think that me loving her puts her in danger?"
"I wouldn't let anyone hurt her," Leia said. "Neither would Finn or Poe or many others who care about her. She's safe here."
"It didn't take Finn long to feel betrayed because he saw her with me. How do you know that Finn and Poe wouldn't be the first to turn on her once they knew?"
Leia considered it. She sighed. "I don't."
"When I said what I did, I was sure I was about to die. I didn't think I'd ever see her again, and I needed her to know. I meant it. I meant it more than anything else I've ever said in my life. But if I'd been thinking clearly, I wouldn't have said anything. It only fueled whatever fire she's got burning in her. That's the last thing I want to do."
"Why are you so against her caring about you?"
"Because look where it got you."
Leia let go of his chin. "This is different, Ben. You're...different."
"Because of her."
"No, because of you. She could push you in the right direction, but you had to make this choice on your own. And you did. Anyway, that's what Rey believes."
"I still don't deserve her. She deserves so much more than me."
"But she wants you." Leia sighed. "This isn't about what you deserve, Ben. It's just what you have."
"I came back here to do the right thing," he said. "I knew Rey was right, that this was what I should do. Facing who I was instead of running from it. But I still feel like this was the wrong thing to do for her. I don't know what I was thinking coming back here."
"You weren't thinking. You were...in love."
It felt strange saying it. Her son was in love. For a fleeting moment, she was jealous. What had Rey been able to reach in him that she couldn't? Why was Rey good enough to cause a change in him, but not her, his mother?
Ben didn't respond, and an idea that she'd been toying with since she'd come down here popped back into her head. It was crazy, and it almost definitely wouldn't work the way she wanted, but it was her last desperate attempt to make things right.
She prodded him to stand. "Get up," she said. "Hurry, we don't have much time."
"What?"
"We're getting you out of here, let's go."
"I-" His face flicked through several different expressions as he tried to piece together what was happening. "What do you mean?"
"I have a ship you can use to get off-planet. But only if we hurry."
"Wha- I...I can't just leave. They'll know who let me go!"
"Shh!" Leia poked her head out into the hall. It was still empty, thankfully. "I'll make something up. I'll be fine. We have to get you out of here."
"No."
Leia blinked. "You just said that you regret coming, but I give you the chance to leave and you say no?"
Ben pulled himself to his feet. "I'm not sure I should have come, but now that I'm here I can't just leave. I'm doing what's right. Maybe the Resistance will use my help, maybe they won't. Regardless of whether or not you use my assistance, I can't leave Rey behind. I won't disappear into the night so you can tell her some lie about how I 'got away'."
Leia frowned, an anger she wasn't expecting rising up in her chest. "It sounds like you're more concerned about how she thinks of you than you are about staying alive."
Ben looked surprised at the hardness of her words. Then he frowned. "Maybe I am. She's had enough people let her down. I'm not interested in being one of them."
Her plan had already done what she'd wanted. Ben didn't want to leave, didn't want to take the easy way out. He was serious about doing the right thing; she didn't need to test him anymore. But she couldn't stop herself from continuing. "They'll kill you if you stay."
"You don't think I knew that when I came back?"
"And you don't think it'll break Rey's heart to watch them sentence you? You don't think it'll break mine?"
Her words echoed down the hall. Ben's eyes softened and Leia reached up to wipe away the tears he'd seen. Tears she'd barely felt. Tears she hadn't planned.
"I have to do the right thing," he said, walking as close to her as his chains would allow. "Just once, I have to do the right thing."
Leia stared at him, thinking of something, anything she could say to get him to change his mind. But she saw in his eyes that he wouldn't. That he was determined to stay, whether it was for Rey or for his own reasons, and that nothing she could say would change that.
She stepped up and flung her arms around him, and he hugged her back as best he could.
Rey wished she were good at small talk. Maz had come into Rey's room every day for hours attempting conversation, though Rey couldn't think of much outside of her current problem. Currently, Maz was striking up a conversation about the weather above all else, and Rey had let the silence string out for longer than a minute.
"I'm sorry," she sighed. "You can leave, if you'd like. Just because I'm stuck in here doesn't mean you have to be."
Maz laughed. "I wouldn't be doing anything out there that I'm not doing in here. At least in here I can talk to someone who knows what she's talking about. Some of these fighters are too big for their own britches."
Rey knew Maz was trying to make a joke, but she didn't have it in her to fake laughter. She gave Maz a weak smile instead.
Before Maz could try again to make conversation, the door to Rey's room opened. Rey's eyes widened as Leia stepped into her room.
"Rey-"
"You!"
Rey jumped from her bed and Leia backed out of her doorway.
"What happened to Ben?" Rey demanded. "Why can't I feel him anymore?"
Leia's eyes were wide. "I - I don't know, I-"
"Is he dead?"
The guards outside her room grabbed her by the arms and pulled her back, but Rey fought against them.
"What happened?" she shouted. "What happened; tell me!"
People passing by stopped to stare and her guards' comms crackled with voices wondering if they needed backup. Maz stepped up behind her, laying a hand on her lower back. "Rey, stay calm. We can figure all of this out, but I just need you to stay calm."
"I want you to tell me! I want you to tell me what happened to him!"
"Rey, nothing happened," Leia started.
"Look me in my eyes and tell me he's not dead!" Rey's voice broke, but she pretended it hadn't. "Tell me he's not dead!"
Leia took a brave step forward. Her hands came up to the sides of Rey's face and wiped away the tears there. Rey was so surprised that the words she'd been ready to say caught in her throat. She let Leia look her over for a moment while she processed. Then she took a deep breath.
"Please," she whispered. "Tell me he's not dead."
Leia shook her head. "He's not dead, Rey."
She looked like she wanted to say more, but she hesitated.
"But?"
Leia sighed. "But he's not in good shape.
"I know," Rey nodded. "I know, I could feel it."
"I'm not sure he'll want you to see him like this."
"I want to see him anyway."
Leia stared at her silently for a beat, and for that moment, Rey thought Leia was going to tell her no. But then she beckoned for Rey to follow her and Rey pushed through the guards' arms, wiping her eyes as she fell into step behind Leia. Rey's stomach churned as they walked the halls leading to the brig. What would she find upon seeing Ben? Would he even be able to speak to her? Would she be able to go inside his cell, touch him?
They soon walked into a dark hall below the rest of the base that Rey assumed was the hallway to the brig. Rey felt her heart speed up as they made it to the end. The guards at the entrance let Leia pass, but held Rey off, looking to her to wait for instruction.
"Let her through, boys. She's with me."
They let Rey pass and she threw them a dirty look when Leia wasn't looking. After what seemed like years, they were outside Ben's isolation cell. Leia stood in front of the door, peering in through the small transparisteel square in the center. Rey came to stand beside her.
"Is this him?" she asked, breathless.
Leia nodded. "Let her in," she said to the guard at the door.
He turned and punched in the code and the door slid open. Rey let out a tiny gasp as Ben came into view and she pushed past Leia to get inside. Ben shifted when he heard her footsteps, and he looked up at her with wide, pitiful eyes.
"Rey?" she heard him mumble.
One of his eyes was swollen almost shut, his lip was split and dried blood was caked around the cut. His clothes were torn and tattered, and she could see purplish-yellow splotches covering his arms. Who knew how many bruises were beneath his clothes.
"Ben, I'm so sorry," Rey whimpered.
She ran across his cell and dropped to her knees at his side. He wrapped a hand around her forearm, and she took his head in her hands, turning it side to side. There were smaller cuts and bruises she could see up close, and she wished she could sit and patch him up with bacta until they were gone.
"Rey," Ben whispered again.
She bent down and kissed the top of his head. "It's going to be alright. I won't let them hurt you again, I promise," she whispered into his hair. "I promise."
"I never thought I'd see you again."
His voice was rasping and quiet, but Rey could hear his smile. She pulled back, tears in her eyes, tears in his.
"I haven't fought nearly hard enough yet," she smiled. "I haven't even tried knocking out the guards. After all we've been through? I think you deserve at least that."
Ben chuckled and buried his face in her stomach, clutching at the back of her tunic. Rey hugged him close and buried her face in his hair, careful not to touch his bruises and his swollen eye. She squeezed as hard as she dared, winding his curls around her fingers. "I'm so sorry."
"Stop that," he said. "Don't apologize when it isn't your fault."
"But it is-"
"Rey."
Rey squeezed her eyes shut tighter as a new wave of tears welled up in the corners of her eyes. Was crying all she could do? She was sure she'd cried more in the past week than she'd cried in all of her life before it.
"Let's just...agree to disagree."
Ben laughed softly. His thumb stroked circles over the small of her back. "Okay."
It was silent for a moment, save for Leia's soft words to the guard outside.
"Ben?"
"Hmm."
"I have some things to ask you and I need you to be honest with me."
He nodded. "Always."
Rey took a deep breath. "Are your guards the ones beating you?"
At first, Ben was silent. Then slowly, he nodded. "Some of them, yes."
"Which ones?"
"I don't know their names, Rey," he whispered into the fabric of her shirt. "And it's too dark down here to give a description worth anything. But I'm okay. I'll be okay. It looks worse than it is."
He'd always been a terrible liar, but this was pathetic even for him. For now, Rey would let it slide. She was sure she could pick who was doing it if given a list of names, and there was another, more important question she had to ask.
"Why did you shut yourself off again?"
Again, he was silent for a little bit too long before he answered. "I didn't want you to suffer, too."
"And you didn't think that me being in the dark was suffering?"
She hadn't meant to sound so bitter, but Ben had no shortage of bitterness in his response.
"I was scared, Rey."
"So was I," she bit back. "I thought they'd killed you."
He pulled away and Rey looked down to see that Ben was tugging on the hem of her shirt. "Do they even know about the bond, Rey?" he said.
"Maz does."
"I mean everyone. Every person on this base."
Rey swallowed. "No."
"And if they did, do you think that would make things look any better for you?"
"Oh, how would anyone even find out?" Rey scoffed. "It's not like everyone else can see inside our heads, too."
"But they'd notice if you winced in pain every few minutes when no one was anywhere near you."
He looked up to meet her eyes and her bitterness reappeared tenfold. "Leia's had me locked in a room, Ben. The only person I've made contact with for the past several days is Maz."
Ben's eyes darkened. "What?"
"There were guards stationed at my door to make sure I couldn't leave. To make sure I couldn't come down here. No one would have noticed because no one cared as long as I couldn't find you and let you go."
He crawled to his knees so he was level with her. "They shoved you in a room because of me?"
There was a sort of muted fury behind his eyes that, had it been directed at Rey, would have terrified her. Even though she knew it wasn't directed at her, it still made her uneasy. She nodded.
"For how long?"
"They put me there not long after they took you away."
"You've been alone since I left?"
"More or less. But at least when the bond was open I had you." She took his hand, attempting to draw his attention away from whatever it was that was making him so intense. "That's why you can't just shut it off whenever you feel you need to. I have to have some say in it, too, because it affects me, too. Sometimes, I want it open. Even when it's hard."
Behind her, someone clomped inside. "It's time to go."
Rey's chest squeezed. So soon? She'd just gotten here, and who knew how long it would be before she got to see Ben again?
Suddenly, Ben tugged her forward by the wrist. He was so close that his breath disturbed the locks of hair near her ear.
"Stop fighting for me," he whispered. "I'm serious. Cut all ties. I'm not worth you being locked away."
She pulled away. "Ben-"
He gave a nearly imperceptible shake of his head, his eyes flicking to a spot over her shoulder.
Rey could feel the guards coming up behind her. She gave them a quick glance and looked back to Ben. "Open the bond," she whispered. "Keep it open. I'll stop fighting, but it has to stay open."
Ben shook his head. "That's a connection you have to me that would be better off severed. I'm sorry. But it has to be this way."
He gave her hand a squeeze before she was hauled to her feet and he had to let go.
"No, wait. Ben- wait!"
'I'm sorry,' he mouthed.
The door to his cell slammed shut in her face before she could think of anything to say.
A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed! I want to get another chapter out in the next week, but there's no guarantee. We'll just have to see how productive I feel.
Thank you so much for reading!