Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or these worlds or anything of that nature. I have some new shirts though, and a new wallet.
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Severus
For years Severus Snape had gone without he presence of another human being in his life. He had hi students, and his colleagues, and his godson, but all of them had to be kept at a safe distance form his hidden life of spying and treachery.
When he was discovered as a spy for the Light he came closer to death than ever before in his life, so close that the darkness was one breath away.
But that breath came and went, as did the one after that, and another, and so on until the sensation of almost dying became, as it must for anyone who felt it to go on with life, a distant and muted thing.
And so he took to his second life, openly working for the forces of the Order and becoming an initially unwilling den mother of sorts for some of his students, past and present.
This role left him wide open to endless attacks of teen age angst, but it didn't allow for the one opportunity Severus had been waiting his entire adult life for.
He wanted to fall in love.
Not in an overly sentimental way. There would be no childish infatuation, a partner without fault, an angelic representation of all that was good and right with the world. Severus was himself beyond such expectations and assumed any woman fool enough to love him would be so as well.
And then he met Paige.
Her initial resemblance to Lily was nothing more than superficial. Where Lily was merry and thoughtful, Paige was all mischief and enthusiasm.
And youth.
Severus, suddenly feeling older than he ever had before, rubbed his eyes with his arm, his hands still damp with the succulent flesh of aloe before turning his attention back to the bubbling cauldron in front of him.
Another healing draught, another sleeping potion, another poison. When Severus was young and he made his decision to focus on potions, he actually believed the words the professors said, that he could stopper death or bottle glory. (look this up and find the actual speech.)
The truth was more mundane. He was no more than a common apothecary, and if his potions worked better or more efficiently, they still couldn't restart a stopped heart or return breath to the dead.
And if the long war had taught him nothing, he knew that he could heal broken bones, but not broken hearts.
"Severus? Are you in here?"
Harrys' voice was soft and tentative. Severus beckoned him into the room, gestring for the boy to take a seat by the fire.
As he finished the potion and cleaned his hands Severus took the tiem to stody Harry.
The boy had changed. The Harry severus saw last in California , turning green over Blaise, then laughing in Draco's arms, was a different boy than the one that sat before him now, buried deep in the thick cushions of the couch, pale and thoughtful. If the weeks since their return had been hard on Severus, it was nothing compared to how bad they were for Harry.
Unlike the potions master, whose skills were only used in peace and solitude, well away from the press and crush of the fighting, Harry was needed in strategy meetings, then on the battlefields themselves. Too many of the boy's nights were taken with cataloguing the dead, and planning the sorties that were now daily routine.
The first fight after they came back where Harry had blood on his hands, where school boy hexes weren't enough, had happened only days after their return from California .
Severus came back to his rooms from his shift in the Infirmary and found Harry on the floor in front of the fire, staring into the flames.
His eyes were dead.
If it had been Draco, Severus would know what to do, but this was Harry. Still, the older man called on what knowledge 18 years as a godfather bestowed upon him and took the blanket off of the back of the couch, wrapping it around Harry's shoulders.
Cursing old bones as his knees popped, Severus lowered himself onto the floor next to the boy and wrapped an arm around Harry's shoulders. The two of them sat there in silence for hours before Harry finally broke, throwing the blanket off and pushing himself into Severus's arms until hoarse sobs could be muffled by the thick fabric of his robes.
When he was done crying the boy began to speak, telling Severus about their plan o attack, how the fight progressed, how it felt in that one desperate second when he saw a Death Eater lunging for Neville and reacted the only way he knew how.
It was the first time Harry had ever used an Unforgiveable. Cruciatis. And he didn't know how to stop it. His heart was full of hate and fear and panic and even with Neville, healthy and now-safe Neville, at his side, Harry couldn't stop.
The Death Eater died in a pain beyond screams.
When he was done recounting events the boy was Slytherin green. Severus acted quickly, getting a basin for Harry to sick up in. after that the boy was more than half asleep. Severus carried him into the second bedroom in his quarters, a guest room for the guests he never had.
Since that night Severus knew to be prepared. Whenever there was a long battle, whenever soldiers, students, died on either side of the battlefield, he would find Harry in his chambers, sitting in front of the fire.
The only thing that brought back the old Harry were letters. Once a week the Gryffindor wrote to Draco in California and Draco wrote back, and once a week they got to speak on the magic mirrors. Then Severus would see the smile that he had once resented, being, as it was, half caused by James Potter. And then those eyes, Lily's eyes, would shine again with life and light.
His hands finally clear of potions residue, Severus made his way to the fire, taking a seat in his own wingback chair and absently enjoying the heat that seeped into his bones. He closed his eyes for a moment to absorb the silence and warmth before opening them again to focus on Harry.
The boy was quiet, but tense, not tense in that pre-battle sense, or in the post-battle way either. it felt very much as if Harry was expecting something and as Severus looked into the green eyes, he knew.
"You're going to see Draco, aren't you?"
The Gryffindor broke out into a grin and Severus had to bite back a smile of his own in response.
"Is it that obvious? I've tried to be subtle about it, in case anyone flows me and finds hi—everybody."
Severus inclined his head slightly. "You are subtle. I believe I am the only one who could tell, and that is only because I have observed your interactions with my godson for many years."
The Gryffindor sighed, now relaxed, and smiled into the fireplace.
"I came to see if you had any letters or packages for anyone," the boy said before turning to
Snape with a smirk.
Severus shook his head. "Nothing now, but I can prepare something. When will you be going?"
"Tomorrow, I think. I told Hermione and a few others that I was going in case they want to get letters together, so I thought I would extend you the same courtesy."
Harry smiled, but Severus noticed that it didn't quite reach his eyes. The two men sat in silence for long moments.
Occasionally Harry would sigh and Severus tried to ignore it, but the low soughing sound began to grate on his nerves and finally he broke.
"What is it, Potter?"
"It's-- I'm not sure exactly." Harry turned to Severus. "I'm in love with him, you know?"
Severus said nothing, knowing Harry would talk himself out eventually.
"I think I've been in love with him for a long time. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I wonder exactly how long that would be."
Severus started. Normally Harry avoided discussing his mortality, though Severus knew it was on the boy's mind.
"I mean, it could be days, or months, or years. How do I do it, Severus? How do I make a commitment, a promise, that I may never be able to fulfill."
Severus sighed, wishing he had taken a moment to get a glass of brandy before sitting down. "I don't know what you want me to tell you, Potter. I can't predict when you will die any more than I can predict my own death or anyone else's. It may be years or days, or even minutes."
Harry laughed, but the sound was hollow. "You sure know how to cheer a guy up, don't you?"
"I'm not trying to. Is that what you want? Do you want me to tell you fairy stories? Once upon a time there was a boy named Harry Potter, who fell in love with his Guardian Angel. Against all logic, his angel loved him back, and the two of them lived happily ever after. The end."
Harry said nothing, so Severus went on. "Is that right? Happy endings for all? I suppose it does sound good when you think of it like that, and perhaps that is what will actually happen. But then again, maybe we will all die in pain and misery--" Harry flinched violently and Severus almost stopped, but he knew he had to eep going. What he had to say was important. "Will it matter then, when we come to the end of all things, whether you were with the one you love for a year, or a month, or an hour? When you are facing your death on the battlefield, will you value your moment with Draco less for being no more than moments?"
Harry shook his head. "No. I mean… Merlin, Severus. Aren't you supposed to be cheering me on and telling me that I'll survive no matter what?"
Severus stood and walked to the sideboard, very much needing that drink. As he uncorked the crystal decanter and caught the scent of the mucky amber within, he tried to collect his thoughts.
A few moments later, and glass in hand, he returned to his seat and faced the now visibly upset Harry. "Perhaps I should. Perhaps that is my role, that of supportive mentor now that Dumbledore is dead. But I find I do not have the energy for it. I cannot give you reassurances or predictions because I do not know what will happen. No one does. Your friend Hermione has consulted the seers available, hasn't she?" Harry nodded his head. "And what has she found?"
"Nothing. They can't see anything beyond fierce bursts of green light. And she got very sarcastic about the whole thing."
Severus turned his attention to his drink as he replied. "So someone will die. We may hope that it will be Voldemort and those who serve him, but we have no guarantees. All we can do is live well, fight well, and if necessary, die well."
Severus took a deep breath. "Go to Draco, Harry. Tell him that you love him and that you want him for whatever time the two of you have."
Harry nodded and stood, his posture straighter and stronger than it had been earlier. "I will, Severus," the boy said, walking towards the door. Before he left he turned back and said, "You should consider your own advice. I'm sure Paige would be very happy to see you again."
And with a wicked smile the boy was gone, leaving Severus alone with his drink, his fire, and his thoughts, suddenly feeling very old indeed.
The next night found Severus Snape on his wingback chair in front of the fire. He spent eh entire day brewing blood replenishing potions and all he wanted was to escape into a book. Harry had left for California that morning and Severus didn't expect him to return for a day or two, so he was anticipating a peaceful and uninterrupted evening.
That was broken by the sound of someone pounding on his doors. Severus stood up, setting his book on the coffee table and made his way to the door of his chambers. When he got there he disabled the wards and the pounding became louder without their muffling effect. He pulled the door open and stood as straight as he could, hoping the use every inch of his height to intimidate whomever was bothering him enough to send them away.
Unfortunately the person on the other side of the door was a very agitated Hermione Granger, who had never found him very scary in the first place.
"You have to come, Professor. It's Harry!"
"Harry what? I understood he was going to California today. I expected him to be dancing in the stars right now."
The witch shook her head. "Not hardly, Severus. He's a wreck and we need your help."
"What, precisely, does Potter's emotional upset have to do with me?"
Hermione had the nerve to glare at him before grabbing his hand and half-leading him, half-dragging him out of his quarters.
Severus had enough time to re-ward his doors before his rooms were out of sight.
Together the two of them traveled through the castle. After a few yards Severus gave in to accompanying the witch, but she seemed not to notice as her grip on his forearm only tightened.
Together they approached the infirmary and Severus found cold dread build in his chest. He pulled Hermione to a halt. "Is he injured? Did something happen?"
Hermione said nothing, only pointed to the door.
Severus approached it slowly. He remembered the fit Harry threw after the loss of Sirius Black and he had no desire to be hit by flying crockery, but the room was silent so the man slowly eased the door open.
Inside there was nothing. Well, not nothing. The cots and cabinets were in their normal locations. Nothing was disturbed, nothing was broken. There was no sign of the destruction Severus expected. He moved further into the room, but Harry was nowhere in sight.
At the far end of the infirmary was a curtain enshrouded cot and behind it Severus heard soft breathing in the otherwise unearthly silence of the normally bustling room.
Severus stepped towards the cubicle and drew back the curtain.
Behind it he found Harry.
The night Harry made his first kill Snape thought the boy was broken, thought something ineffable had been killed.
But that was nothing compared to this.
Something in Severus called out to him to rush to the boy, who was sitting silently and staring at the floor, torn between fighting the urge for the sake of both of their dignities and giving in to it, Severus heard a soft sob.
And gave in.
Harry was cold in his arms, but there was no sign of injury or physical distress.
After that one sob the boy didn't cry or make another noise for hours. He just sat on the cot, staring at the wall, and breathing slow and even breaths.
Occasionally Severus would see Hermione pop her head in through the curtain and wave her off. There would be time enough for friends and noisy sympathy soon enough, now was the time for peace and reflection.
The moon's light traced a course across the infirmary through the thin windows set up near the ceiling and slowly the light grew brighter and warmer with the coming of the false dawn.
As the sun rose, the Gryffindor finally took a shuddering breath and turned to Severus.
Severus could have cried at the look in those eyes, Lily's eyes, but he bit it back. His emotions were nothing right now. Only Harry's mattered.
"He doesn't want me, Severus. He said so."
Severus was shocked. "Draco told you?" He couldn't believe that his godson would be so callous, but Harry was destroyed, so something must have happened.
The boy turned away again, returning his gaze to the wall. "No. I heard him-- heard him talking to someone. I was so happy Severus."
The boy's voice broke on the last words and just like that the tears came.
Severus just pulled the boy over to lean against his shoulder and accepted the loss of his shirt to tearstains as his due.
Harry said nothing ore about what happened. He wept until he fell asleep and it was only then that Severus left him. He pulled the curtain tightly around the cot and stepped out to face Hermione, Neville, and Ginny Weasley.
"He's upset," Severus said, but Hermione just snorted. "We know that. What is he upset about?"
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers, trying to stave off the head ache that a long and sleepless night would cause, and tried to answer without answering. "I don't think he wants me to tell you the reason. Suffice it to say he is very, very upset and he doesn't want to talk about it right now. If he bring it up then you discuss it, but for the moment I would stress that you not badger him."
The last few words were aimed directly at Granger and the young Weasley girl. Both of them cared for Harry, but they expressed it through nagging and affectionate smothering. Severus knew a great deal about heartbreak, and he knew that that was the last thing Harry would need.
The three of them nodded seriously and Severus made his way to another empty cot, not too far from Harry's. if he was correct, Harry would need him again when he woke and it wouldn't do to be too far away.
The next few days passed in a haze for Severus. Harry was almost an inferi. He woke screaming and weeping from nightmares every few hours, and the time he spent awake he was in a cold and shocky state. After those first few words Harry hadn't said anything about Draco or events in California.
Severus didn't want to push, but as the days were turning into a week he felt he had to do something to get Harry to snap out of it. Emotional turmoil or no, there was war on and it wouldn't wait for angsty crises.
Six and oe haf days after Harry's return from California and subsequent collapse, Severus set a tray loaded with delicacies in front of the boy with a heavy thump.
"Eat."
Harry turned dead eyes towards him and said, "No."
"Dammit, boy. Eat or I'll make you eat."
Harry smiled, but it was a weak and bitter twist of the lip. "The last person to call me 'boy' wouldn't let me eat."
Severus shook his head. He knew about Harry's Uncle and his childhood and while it was terrible it had no bearing on this situation. "You have had a week to wallow in the death of your love life, but we are in the middle of a war and there are far more important things to waste your energy on than pouting."
Something sparked in Harry's eyes, and even if it was only anger, Severus was happy to see it.
"Pouting? I can barely breathe right now and you say I'm pouting?"
Severus could hear the air crackle with Harry's magic. It felt like the tantrum Severus had been expecting for the past week was on its way.
But just as easily as the intensity rose, it fell again, though the spark in Harry's eye didn't die. The boy stood up from the bed and walked towards the bathroom attached to the infirmary. Over his shoulder he said. "Very well, Professor. I am done 'pouting' as you say. We are at was and I am a fighter, a weapon, am I not? So we go to war."
Severus couldn't fight back a shiver at the tone of Harry's voice. The sullen mourning phase had passed, but Severus couldn't help but wonder if this was worse.
Harry reentered the war effort with a zeal that no one had seen from him before. The raids by Order members were fiercer and the body counts on Voldemort's side rose.
Harry no longer visited Severus's quarters in the evenings, though the potion's master heard about the toll of the war o Harry. According to the House Elves he wasn't eating or sleeping. The Gryffindor had become more short-tempered, speaking out in anger when he deigned to speak at all, and that concerned Severus more because Harry had always been pleasant and garrulous.
Letters still arrived from California. Severus didn't know what Harry did with his, but every letter Severus received from Paige and Draco asked what had happened. That stumped Severus because if Draco didn't know what set Harry off, how were they to resolve it?
Severus heard stories about the green eyed boy's temper from Hermione and Ginny and others when they came to pick up potions or order more, but it wasn't until after a raid that went badly that he saw it for himself.
Drafted to help in the infirmary Severus was there when Harry came in with one of his team members in his arms. It looked like one of the Creevey boys. He was unconscious and had several broken ribs, one of which was poking through the skin of his chest. Harry lowered Creevey to one of the beds and Pomphrey ran over to help the boy as Severus turned away from his latest patient, now resting uncomfortably, to Harry.
Harry's shirt was covered in blood, but Severus could see that it wasn't his and he breathed little digh of relief. Hermione said the boy had a death wish, but so far e remained uninjured. Severus wasn't sure whether that was due to Harry's efforts, or those of his team, but either way he thanked is lucky stars.
"Harry?"
The boy looked away from the cots lining the infirmary wall and focused on Severus. "Yes?"
Severus could see a deep exhaustion in Harry's eyes, and lines of strain crossed the boy's face. "Are you well?" It was the only think Severus could think of to say.
Harry snorted. "Oh, I'm wonderful. Every day is paradise. Did you know that there is a weapon coming?"
Severus started at this. "What?"
Harry nodded. "Apparently it will allow Tom, old Moldy Voldie himself, to drain the power of his Death Eaters and use it o kill me and everyone I care about." Harry's gaze fell to Severus's arm and Severus gripped his Dark Mark reflexively. "It looks like he has you either way, Snape."
Severus relaxed his grip. "I never thought I would live through this fight--"
"Neither did I," Harry said, his eyes now returned to Creevey's body on the cot.
Severus went on, ignoring the interruption. "I never thought I would live through this, but if I die I want it to be worth something. Tell me how I can help."
Harry scoffed. "You will do as you have been doing. Your brews can save lives or take them. That is your worth in this fight. Right now no one cares how quickly you can throw a hex."
Severus began to feel something he hadn't felt in years, desperation.
"I want to help, to fight. Let me fight."
All at once the stiffness and tension seemed to fall out of Harry and Severus stepped forward as the Gryffindor's knees began to buckle. Before he could reach the boy, however, Harry straightened up and when he looked at Severus his eyes were full of pain. "You don't need to fight, Severus. Stay in the dungeons, in your labs and your quarters where things are quiet and peaceful, safe."
Severus stepped forward again and took Harry's arm. To his surprise the boy didn't fight back and Severus led Harry to his quarters, and to the couch. Pressing a glass of brandy in his hand, Severus too ka seat next to the silent and shivering boy.
"Tell me what is going on, Harry. What changed you so much, you never said. I tried asking Paige, but she doesn't know, and Draco--"
"Draco? You talk to him?"
Severus nodded. "Of course I do. I know about that weapon you mentioned. They told me, but I didn't think Voldemort would get his hands on it. I know that James Narcissus is sprouting a lovely head of strawberry blond hair, and I know that Draco is completely puzzled. Have you been ignoring his letters? What happened between the two of you?"
Harry's grip tightened on the glass and Severus pulled it away before the green eyed boy could break it. Quality alcohol was worth its weight in gold with the war going strong.
"You… You talk to him?" Harry's voice was low and weak. It felt like those first few hours after his return all over again.
Severus hated to hear it, but maybe this meant he could fix the problem this time.
"He said. I don't know who he was talking to, but he said he didn't want to have a lifetime with me." Harry turned to Severus and the older man but back a gasp at the pain in his eyes. "Why would he say that? I don't have much of a lifetime left, do I? Only a few more weeks, so he wouldn't have to stay with me forever. Am I not worth a few weeks, Severus?" Harry's voice was soft and trembling. He sounded like a confused child and once again Severus found himself gathering the boy in his arms without really thinking about it.
"No, no. he loves you, I'm sure of it. Maybe you just misheard him," Severus said. He knew he chose the wrong words as Harry immediately stiffened in his arms and pulled away.
"You took his side. I suppose I should have expected that." Harry stood up. "Thank you for the drink and the conversation, Professor. I have to go."
Severus flinched at the cold tone in Harry's voice. The boy was broken, completely broken. Perhaps there was no way to get him back now.
Both Severus and Harry turned as there was a knock at the door. Severus couldn't help but wonder what it was this time as he walked to his door and released he wards.
On the other side was Ginny Weasley, who looked surprised when she saw Harry. After a second she shook herself out of it and turned to Severus. "We have some strange magical patterns coming towards the Great Hall. McGonagall thought you might know something about it, if it were a weapon or something."
Severus looked to Harry and the boy nodded. Together they walked the halls of Hogwarts in silence.
The air seemed to grow thicker as they approached the Great Hall. It felt like something was coming. There were only a few people around at this late hour, food was available twenty-four hours a day now, as no one could predict when the shifts of guards, soldiers, or medical staff would be able to eat. The House Elves had never been happier.
All of the attention as focused on a small group in the middle of the room and as Severus approached he saw a trace of red hair.
He felt a lightening in his chest and moved a little faster, but as a thatch of blond hair came into view Severus found Harry outstripping him.
Severus managed to reach them in time to hear Harry say, "I never wanted a lifetime with you either, you nasty little bastard," and watch him punch Draco in the face.
The blond, clearly surprised, went down like a tree and Severus was torn between following Harry as the brunet stalked out of the Hall, and checking on Draco who was still sitting on the floor, a confused expression on his bleeding face.
His decision was made when Paige met his eyes and hissed. "Severus what the hell is going on?"
Severus walked over and crouched down next to Paige where she was healing Draco's face. Absently admiring the shining blue light of white lighter healing, Severus mulled his answer. Both Draco and Paige were staring at him with the same puzzled look.
Once Draco was healed Severs stood, taking Paige's hand to help her to her feet. Draco stood as well and Severus gestured for the two of them to follow him.
Together the group made their way back to his quarters and Severus offered both of them a seat as he settled on his wingback chair, wondering at how much had happened in one evening.
"Okay, we're here, now spill," Paige said, sitting n the very edge of the couch and leaning forward.
Severus sighed. "I'm not entirely sure what's happening," Severus said. He looked over a Draco who was sitting in his old seat on the rug in front of the fire.
The blond looked back at him blankly.
"Draco, did anything happen when Harry came to California?"
Draco looked away, but Severus could seen the sheen of tears over his grey eyes. "I didn't even see him. Paige told me he was there, but he wouldn't stay for me, would he? And now he's not even answered my letters and he hit me. I mean, he hit me."
Severus looked at Paige.
"He was there. He was in the hall when Shannon was visiting. And now he said something about not wanting a lifetime with you? Could he have heard anything?" Paige aimed the question at Draco, who bit his lip for a moment as he stared into the pattern of the rug.
"I was talking to Shannon. She asked me if I wanted-- and I told her…" Draco's voice trailed off and when he looked up at Severus and Paige the tears that were threatening to fall had fallen, leaving thick trails down his pale cheeks.
"I told her I didn't want a lifetime with Harry. Oh Merlin. I told her that, but I didn't mean it. I was… she asked me and I didn't think I could have it. I told her not to give me hope, to let me think I could have it, have him. I want a lifetime. I want forever."
The blond broke into harsh sobs and Severus watched as Paige got down off of the couch and sat next Draco, wrapping her arms around him and half pulling him into her lap to cry against her chest.
"Do you?"
Harry's voice broke into the gloom and Severus, startled, turned sharply to see the Gryffindor standing in the shadowed doorway.
Harry walked closer until he was standing over Draco.
The blond had moved off of Paige and was now sniffling heavily, his eyes on the ground and his shoulders hunched.
"Do you want forever," Harry asked, crouching down on the floor next to the blond. He reached out and Draco violently flinched away. Harry let his weight carry him the rest of the way to the ground until he was sitting on the rug next to the blond. Without touching him, Harry said, "Do you love me, Draco? Was that ever true?"
Shock eclipsed the sorrow on Draco's face as he looked up sharply. "Of course I love you, you idiot. I've been trying to tell you that for ages. We didn't get the chance to say it before you left and then you weren't answering my letters and--"
Draco's words were cut off by a kiss, and when it looked like the two boys would be occupied for a while Severus stood, gesturing for Paige to stand as well. She had been sitting on the floor watching the drama the entire time, but a the two boys began to relax into each other she nodded and stood, following Severus into his bedroom.
once they were in there Severus swung the door most of the ay closed. He didn't want to close it completely in case something else happened, but he wanted to give Harry and Draco their privacy.
Turning to Paige he saw that the witch had taken a seat on the edge of his bed and as running her fingers over his worn velvet bedspread.
She looked up at him with a wicked light in her eyes and said, "Very luxurious, Sev."
He fought back a blush and moved to sit next to her. "Nonsense. It's very cold in these dungeons. I just wanted something wa--"
For the second time that night someone in Severus's quarters had their words cut off with a kiss, and just like his godson Severus wasn't fighting.
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Note: So there you have it. I think we have about three chapters to go, so we are winding down. I hope that this chapter has satisfied some of what the last chapter left hanging. Big things are coming for our characters. Well, I'm assuming that there is. I haven't written it yet.
Now, on a more serious note, my birthday began about an hour ago. Seriously, not a joke to get more reviews. I wanted to get these updates out before my birthday but that just didn't work out. I know it's a little late, but if you still want to get me a present you can buy me something from Amazon, or you can leave me a review. I do like reviews…