Thanks to Torry-Riddle - best beta ever.
A/N: Sorry for the late update. Real life happened. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for all the reviews/favorits/follows. Let me know what you think?
Disclaimer: I own nothing - Veronica Roth does.
When I open my eyes I find the bed empty next to me and discover that Eric is already showering. He is an early riser just like me. I try to ignore the comfortable warmth of the covers that smell of him and me and convince myself that it's time to get ready for the day ahead of me. I have to meet Kent from the control room at 7:30 am and want to reread the information on my pad, maybe even get a short moment with Eric before we are separated for the day again.
So I push back the covers and stretch my arms above my head. I put my feet on the ground, the coldness of the floorboards waking me up a bit more. After straightening the covers of my bed I go into my kitchenette to boil water for tea, put down two mugs on the counter and a tea can that has seen better days. But I cleaned the dishes thoroughly yesterday and don't mind the used appearance. It has a charm on its own. I slightly shiver in my thin tank top and think about having to speak to the janitor of my floor. Maybe my heating unit isn't working properly and its October already.
As I stand against the counter to wait for the water I remember that I haven't put any towels into the bathroom yet and make my way to the things I brought yesterday. Pulling out a towel I put it down in front of the bathroom door and enter my bedroom to get dressed for the day. I braid my hair when I hear the door of my bathroom open and close again.
I hear the kettle and prepare the tea for Eric and me. This simple task has a comfortable quality to it. It's something I remember doing in Abnegation early in the mornings before I had to pretend again and live in fear from my father. Though I never had a happy home life I enjoyed the small things like preparing breakfast for me and even brewing the coffee for father, liking the fact that my hands got to do something so my mind could get lost in other things. And brewing the tea for Eric and I has a homey feeling to it I embrace tightly.
"Hey love." He says as he comes out of the bathroom, hair still a bit wet. He leans down and kisses my temple while I take the tea bag out of the can and let it fall into the sink to clean later. I fill our two mugs and push one of it to him.
"Thank you." He says, his voice still a bit raspy from sleep even though he already showered and brushed his teeth.
"I will be right back." I say and vanish into the bathroom to get ready myself. The air smells of Eric, the soap he uses and I see a small bag next to my things on the washbasin. It makes a happy flutter appear in my stomach and I start to brush my teeth and wash my face with a content smile on my lips. When I get back to the living room, Eric sits at the counter again, sipping his tea and concentrates on the touchpad in front of him. I take the stool next to him, taking my cup into my hands to let the heat seep into my fingers.
"Everything alright?" I ask him in a low voice when I see him frown at the things he reads on his device.
"Yes. Just the usual meetings with the instructors from initiation to wrap up everything. Afterwards some paperwork and more get together with a few members to discuss their working load and see what they need help with." He answers, turning on his stool to face me.
"Sounds boring." I say lightly and he nods.
"It is. But running a Faction isn't always fun. Its hard work, needs thorough planning, and I think you will understand better when you start to work with Max in a few weeks." He explains and I nod. It's strange that it never crossed my mind how random the things a Faction Leader has to deal with are. But thinking of it now I guess an organisation always needs people who take care of everything from the things that need to be bought, to the cleaning of the public places and the things in between that aren't visible to most members. I sigh and feel a slight interest awakening in me. Maybe I will learn to accept this job and even find things I like.
I turn to Eric, meeting his eyes and get lost in their grey. I am surprised that I like the colour so much now when all I ever wanted as a child and young teenager was to flee the grey around me. Abnegation was suffocating me, but his eyes they feed a flame within me that burns for the person they belong to, for the life I chose for myself and the things that lay ahead. It's as if he makes me even more alive than I thought I was when I entered Dauntless six weeks ago. I put down my nearly empty cup on the counter and let my hand go to his cheek, my fingertips lightly caressing it. He closes his eyes for a moment and I smile at his display of content. It feels good to be the reason of this side of him.
A few moments later he takes my hand in his and pulls me up with him. I enjoy our difference in height for a second, that he needs to lean down and I need to stand on my tiptoes to meet in a kiss. Our lips brush against each other, his a big raw and I enjoy the friction it causes on mine. It's just a small touch but I feel it to the sole of my feet.
"Let's go down to eat something." He says against my cheek and I nod, take my touchpad and put it into a pocket of my jacket.
We share a silent meal, both lost in the things we read on our devices. According to my schedule I have to meet Kent on the 8th floor and I remember that I was there before. I smile at the memory because I was so intimidated from Eric and tried desperately to hide it that I forgot everything else I saw there. I am brought out of my thoughts when someone calls my name.
"Trissy!" I look up to find Uriah in front of our table. Eric doesn't even react to him. I look at my boyfriend thoughtfully for a moment, noting how he is distant and cold, his eyes hard, and his body emitting intimidation. It's a bit strange seeing him like this again when I got used to him being warm and calm around me for the last days. But I brush it off and concentrate on my friend remembering what Eric told me when we had the talk two nights ago.
"Hey Uriah. Good to see you." I say and smile at him. His face splits into a smirk and I can feel a stupid remark coming on.
"I know." He says, wriggling his eyebrows. I roll my eyes at him and he sits down chuckling though throwing uncertain glances in Eric's direction. Eric looks up from his touchpad and answers Uriah's stiff nod with a raised eyebrow. There is a sudden tension in his shoulder and I look from him to Uriah. Eric's hand intertwines with mine that laid comfortably on his thigh and I let my eyes look at him inquiringly. His hold is a bit tighter than normal. He turns his face to mine, keeping an eye on Uriah with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he kisses me hard on the lips. I feel my toes curl at the contact and close my eyes instinctively losing myself in the pressure and heat, forgetting everything around me for a moment. Eric pulls away, planting a softer kiss at the corner of my mouth and stands up, leaving me dazed. I furrow my brows at his sudden departure and miss his lips on mine already.
"I have to go. I will pick you up when your shift is finished." I nod, a dumbfounded expression on my face and follow him with my eyes when he walks to the exit of the cafeteria, his steps intimidating and dominant. I frown slightly, shrug it off though and turn back to Uriah. His expression is comically, eyes widened a bit, his lips pursed.
"Possessive much?" Uriah asks under his breath. I raise an eyebrow at him in question, he rolls his eyes at me this time and suddenly Eric's behavior makes sense. I can't suppress the happy smile and the warm feeling within me. I clear my throat and take a sip from my water, trying to concentrate on my friend instead of the bubbles in my stomach. Uriah relaxes a bit, his warm, brown eyes meeting mine.
"Actually I was going to look for you after breakfast. It seems that we will work together for the next four weeks." I say and effectively draw his attention away from Eric's display.
"What do you mean you are going to work with me? I thought Max ordered you to be his assistant." He asks, scratching his cheek lightly and stealing a grape from my plate. I get a grip of his wrist in time and he looks at me surprised at my reflexes. I smirk at him and he smiles back.
"Apparently it's crucial for my future job to know the workings of different organisations within Dauntless. So I will work in the control room for four weeks, go to the fence for three, getting educated in the paperwork aspect of my job and even work in the Factionless sector." I hear the excitement in my own voice and slowly realise that I really look forward to all of these things. I hope I will be able to continue working in the different jobs even when my main task is to help Max with whatever he is up to.
"Sounds really interesting. And I am happy that you will work with me." He says and we smile at each other. Someone drops down next to me and I look up to find Peter. I shove him lightly in greeting and he grunts in reply throwing a not even there nod into Uriah's general direction.
"Not a morning person?" I ask lightly, smirking at his half lidded eyes. He sighs and runs a hand over his face.
"It's not that. I didn't sleep too well. Didn't you hear the loud music?" He asks, yawning and I shake my head. I slept comfortably, curled up into Eric where nothing can reach me.
"I went to bed early." I reply easily and he looks at me for a second. His mouth curves into a sly smile, his eyes glinting with a new awareness and I stiffen a bit.
"With a certain Leader keeping you company and warm throughout the night I am sure." Peter says, his voice laced with amusement and teasing. I roll my eyes, cheeks lightly colouring.
"Yes, actually Eric was there. And don't look at me like that." My voice is matter-of-fact and I pinch his cheek. He scowls at me before taking up his fork to start eating his oatmeal.
"So, what's that I hear about you going to the Factionless Guards? Do I have to fear that I will have to work with you?" He shoves a forkful of egg into his mouth, smirking at my angry glare.
"It's part of her instruction as an assistant to Max." Uriah pipes in, smiling at our antics. I think our behavior is shocking to most people that knew our early interactions, the insults Peter threw my way and my suspicion that Peter was the one to attack Edward. We found a common ground easily enough though, bonding over fighting each other and I think it speaks for Peter's character that his respect and friendship isn't earned easily.
"Oh. So I will see you again." Peter says and doesn't seem to be indifferent about it. I am glad that he seems to reciprocate my feelings when it comes to our relationship. Knowing him the way I do – if at all really – it would have been possible that he doesn't care for my company or friendship at all.
"Yes, for a few weeks. When do you leave? And do you know when you will be back?" I ask, playing with the grapes on my plate, eyes concentrating on the fruits in front of me. I don't want to appear clingy but I know I fail when Peter speaks up again.
"Already missing me, Six?" He asks, his voice laced with mocking. The use of this new nickname doesn't sit right with me and I shove him again, laughing a bit when his elbow and hand he was holding his head up with slip from the table. Uriah snorts at Peter's face who tries to play it cool and picks up a slice of bread.
"Always so violent," he mutters and I roll my eyes at his tone "and I won't be back for the next few weeks. My instructor wasn't really specific..." He sounds nonchalant. Out of the corner of my eyes I see his glinting with eagerness and content.
"So no more sparing..." I pout a bit and Peter nods thoughtfully. He seems to be as sad about it as I am.
"I am sure you will find someone else to use as a punching bag." He replies, voice light then and I nod, staying silent. I look at my touchpad then and stand up, brushing off some crumbs from my breakfast.
"Take care." I whisper to Peter and he nods once. His shoulders are relaxed, his eyes staring ahead of him and he doesn't say anything in return. He doesn't need to because I am aware that this friendship that is different to the bond he shared with Molly and even Drew is a bit uncomfortable for him. I find myself wondering if he ever experienced something like friendly care or worry from anyone around him. I think no one is just cold and insults on sight without a reason and maybe it wasn't his fault that he behaved the way he did the first few weeks. I look to Uriah then.
"We should be going. I want to be on time and who knows how this Kent guy is as a person and instructor." Uriah nods and in a gentleman gesture takes my tray with him. I chuckle lightly and follow him. I throw a glance back at Peter who meets my eyes, small smile without an arrogant streak on his face. I smile back, nod in his direction and go a bit faster to catch up to Uriah. Yes, I think, these next weeks will be interesting.
Uriah and I meet up with Kent in front of the control room. He is a tall guy, but not broad shouldered and wears glasses. His hair is uncommonly short, nearly as short as the boys in Abnegation and Erudite wear their hair. It's a bit strange to see him in Dauntless black when he appears to be so stuck up and something I can only dub as Erudite-ish.
I find myself frowning at his appearance asking myself how someone like him could make it through initiation when men like Peter and Uriah were struggling with some parts of it, when I had so many difficulties succeeding and had to train nonstop to even make it through first stage. When he opens his mouth though I am made aware that my first impression was wrong again, like it was so many times before. His posture changes completely when he speaks, demanding attention and lets me intently listen to every word he says. His voice is clipped and sharp to the point. He doesn't take nonsenses, says so himself and proves it when his face doesn't change one bit when Uriah makes an amusing remark I can't suppress my chuckle in response to.
Kent leads us around the floor, shows us the debriefing room, the control room itself and a few offices. The latter are dimly lit, with big screens and a strange looking keyboard in front of them. Kent explains that these are used to cut the footage we collect and to investigate the things that seem suspicious. He lets us press some buttons, turn some wheels and points out how to replay certain scenes, zoom in on them and sent them to the head of the control unit for further investigation. Uriah seems to be fascinated with the possibilities and I think he will fit right into the team.
The team we meet later in the morning when the shifts change. The early morning shift that starts around one a.m. explains what has happened on their watch, if there is anything the next shift has to look out for and gives their reports to a woman from the city watch. I find it interesting that inner organisation works so well in Dauntless and I am fascinated at the practiced ease and competence information are passed to the persons who need to know them.
I always thought Dauntless is about the kick you get for daring something no one else does, to be brave and fearless, take life as it comes, having fun. Of course I was aware right from the beginning that my task as a Dauntless member is to protect the city and the people living in it. But the consequences and seriousness haven't been this tangible ever before. This isn't about what if's anymore like it was when we shot the gun for the first time. I don't contemplate hypothetically. It's real and I am in the middle of it.
I feel myself square my shoulders, concentrate more on the meeting Uriah and I sit through and start to see the control room team as something else entirely. They are our eyes, keep tabs on important things, the movements of the Factionless, the things outside of the Fence and keep us aware of anything out of order. Without them Dauntless would be blind, all of the Factions would be and the Guards in the Factionless sector and at the Fence in much higher danger. I now find myself appreciating the work they do and cherish it on a whole new level.
Uriah next to me seems to feel the same because his eyes are aware, glancing from one speaking person to the next, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. I think we both underestimated this unit and I feel silly for just realising its importance.
When lunch rolls around my neck is slightly painful because I was on my guard the whole time, trying to take in as much as possible. Uriah and I enjoy a healthy meal, not eating too heavy because we want to stay focussed for the next half of our shift. Kent said that we will read some documents, manuals really that will explain the technique of the monitoring system and start to work in the main unit shortly after. I look forward to it, the task itself maybe boring but my new knowledge and perception of the work we will do easily outweighing that point.
Uriah and I stay mostly silent when Kent gives us the material to read through. We exchange short explanations when one of us has a question, otherwise concentrate on memorizing the different things we may encounter working in the control room with the high end technique Erudite provides us with.
Two hours later Kent picks us up to introduce us to our shift we stay with for the next weeks. I am happy that Zeke is part of the shift and the other three guys appear to be quite alright as well. Kent shows us how to log in in our assigned work stations and explains which part of the city we will have to watch and why we are organized to stay on the same parts for the most time.
"If you know the area you see inside out it will be more likely for you to discover when something is amiss and you will be more alerted then anyone who watches it for the first time. The team members change their area every three months though. On one hand it is to make it a more enjoyable job, the other being that you are more likely to overlook some things after this amount of time, putting on blinders and don't recognize the warning signs we talked about earlier. Erudite helped us evaluate the procedure and we came up with this solution." Kent says, his voice sure and strong. I nod and start to draw the windows a bit bigger to adjust them to the areas I need to watch.
"Are there cameras in the compound as well?" Uriah speaks up on my left side and Kent nods his head. My interest strays from the grey screens to our instructor.
"In the corridors, public places. There was a discussion once to put some up in the apartments and mostly private areas as well, but it never came to it. Dauntless knows how on edge you would feel knowing that someone could easily watch you the whole day." Kent says and I have to agree with him. Safety is important but being monitored 24/7 no matter where you go would be too much.
"If there aren't any more questions I will come and get you two to give me your report when your time is up. If you need anything feel free to ask the guys or call me if they don't know how to help you." Uriah and I nod again and start to watch the screens in front of us. Mine shows the Candor complex and a few parts of the Factionless sector. I am afraid that I miss out on something and try to keep my eyes on everything the whole time. Someone steps up between Uriah and me an hour later, chuckling softly. We both look up, seeing Zeke standing there, cup in hand and smirking at us.
"You both need to relax. I know you are nervous and that this is important, but most of the time nothing much happens and if you keep up like that you need to see a physical therapist soon what with your backs and necks rigid the whole time." I smile slightly and nod, leaning back a bit and let the tension from my back and shoulders slide away. I cringe a bit when I try to massage my shoulder and find a painful knot there.
"I thought Four was working with you, Zeke. I haven't seen him all day." Uriah speaks up, scrolling into some movements on one of his monitors and leaning forward to get a better view.
"He isn't around most of the time nowadays. Kent said he has some important things to take care of and I won't ask." Zeke replies casually and I frown a bit. I was looking forward to working with Tobias, getting to know his working attitude and maybe learn how he sees his work here. And I find it strange that Zeke is so casual about it. I don't know the normal proceedings with something like this and maybe I interpret too much into it but Mart and Leo's conversation comes back to my mind, strengthening my impression that something is off about Tobias' activities.
"Why don't you ask?" I ask, trying to keep my voice casual. I look up to Zeke and it is his turn to frown slightly. In the next second he shrugs nonchalantly, takes a sip out of his cup and answers, voice neutral.
"Hm... if he doesn't want to share on his own I am ok with that. And besides I am not his boss. Kent is and if he doesn't complain I won't." I am a bit confused though. I know now that Max and the other Leaders give Tobias some tasks to take care of but I didn't think it would take up most of his time. It makes me wonder what he is exactly up to if he isn't in the control room and I make up my mind to ask him as soon as I have the opportunity. I cringe slightly aware that we don't see each other as often and I find a supportive wound in me when I think about the way we don't talk anymore, interact really. It's painful and I feel my face fall into a sad expression, heart heavy.
Zeke goes back to his monitors and we stay silent throughout the rest of our shift. I try to concentrate on the screens in front of me, making sure to not let my mind wander back to Tobias for the time being. It won't help to let my thoughts circle around him. It will just serve one goal: making me depressed like I wasn't since Visiting Day.
When Kent enters the room, Eric follows him and they seem to be in a conversation, Eric nodding to the things Kent explains with a few gestures to the monitors and pointing out on his clipboard. I find myself drawn to the way Eric acts around anyone other than his friends and me. He listens respectfully but his whole posture speaks of strength and dominance. His muscular arms are crossed in front of him, his stance relaxed and alert at the same time. I lick my lip unconsciously. His eyes are a special sort of grey, like the polished steel of a shield – hard and glistening. He is aware and paying close attention. My gaze lingers at his throat, at the way his neck moves when he speaks, his tattoos dark against his skin and I remember our first morning together when I tasted him there. I shake my head slightly to push away my thoughts.
My eyes meet Eric's for a moment and I blush slightly because he caught me staring. He smirks and I turn around again biting my lip. Uriah chuckles next to me and I flip him off, making him chuckle harder.
"You are really in love with him, aren't you?" He says randomly, a mixture of teasing and seriousness in his voice. I don't know what to say to that, because of course I have a crush on him and wherever I look he is the most handsome man I have ever seen, but I still know so little about him. Maybe I am in love with him or I am in love with the idea of him. All I can say is that I enjoy every moment we shared until now and that's enough for the time being. I shrug my shoulders and thank Dauntless Uriah doesn't say anything more on the subject. We start to write our reports soon later, finding the forms for it on our desktops. I open an example how a report has to look like and start typing away on my keyboard.
Zeke comes over again, reading our reports and tells us to print them additionally to sending it off to the supervisor. He shows us where the printer is and together we make our way back to our working stations, packing up our stuff and tidying our desks for the next shift.
I log out of my station and follow the other guys from my team to the debriefing room. The shift that takes over after us is already seated and I smile when I see Mart, Leo and Lynn sitting together at one side of the desk. I sit down, greet the three of them with a tired but happy smile and they answer with whispered hellos and smiles of their own.
The debriefing doesn't take too long, nothing out of the ordinary happened and soon enough we are dismissed. Our shift begins at nine the next day and I am grateful that maybe I am able to get some training done before I have to sit the whole day again the next morning. I feel a heaviness in my muscles that has nothing to do with exercising and I don't like it. I may not be an initiate anymore and no one will test my abilities again, but I don't want to start slagging off now. And I miss the special exhaustion I felt after pushing myself to my limits. It was freeing to control my own tiredness, to see myself getting better and I make up my mind that I will make room for training at least two hours a day. Maybe Eric will join me and show me a few more tricks with the weights.
I lean outside against a wall of the conference room and wait for Eric to appear, feeling groggy. He still was in conversation with a few members of the other team and I hinted at waiting for him here. I wave at Uriah and Zeke when they go down the corridor, talking animatedly about Uriah's first day. Tobias enters my mind again and I flinch at the thought of him. I miss him and after all the small things I heard I am worried as well. There isn't a real reason to worry but it's a foreboding feeling that overshadows my thoughts when I think about his activities that no one expect the Leaders know about.
An arm slides around my shoulders, pulling me away from the wall and I lean into Eric, head on his chest and breathe in calmly. He leans down and kisses me above my ear, whispering a 'hey babe'. I smile up at him half-heartedly and he raises an eyebrow. To placate him I stand on my tiptoes and press a chaste kiss to his mouth convincing myself that I need to stop thinking about the concerns for my brother's well-being. I wasn't convincing enough because he speaks up when we make our way to the elevator.
"What is it?" I bite my lip for a moment, catching his eyes on my profile but I don't dare to look up. I just sling my arm around him and school my features into an easy, neutral expression.
"Nothing. Everything's fine. I am just exhausted." He raises an eyebrow again, nods slightly and I think for a moment that he doesn't believe me bracing myself against another question. But he doesn't ask and I breathe a silent breath of relief. I don't know why I don't want to talk about Tobias to him, I just know it doesn't feel right.
"Food or bed?" He asks as we wait for the elevator to appear and I hear a small hint of amusement in his voice at my display of tiredness. I am glad that he seems to be relaxed making me calm in advance, stopping my thoughts. I breathe in his scent, his arm around me helping me put one foot in front of the other. I am surprised I am so tired all of the sudden even though I just sat in front of a monitor for the last two hours. Maybe I have to get used to this new occupation, have to adjust to my schedule.
I know I let myself dependent on him to some degree at the moment and try to shut the part of my brain up that feels uncomfortable with depending on anyone. It's strange that my mind and body have nothing against him being near me, touching and kissing me. I even felt comfortable to let him see my back. But when it comes to letting him see my weakness after nothing more than a taxing day my trust issue raises its ugly head and makes me aware that another person takes care of me again and I am freaking dependent. I take a calming breath, trying to get a grip on myself and answer him honestly.
"Food, then bed with you if possible." I reply, yawning and leaning a bit more into him, my arm around his waist, my fingertips brushing randomly against his six-pack. He nods and takes me down to the cafeteria, guiding me to a table. As best as I can I try to ignore the feelings inside of me, try to tell myself that there is a time for it later and wishing that I wasn't too tired to go training after supper. I think if I could push myself through my exercises I wouldn't feel a tight knot in my stomach that lets me feel uneasy and on edge.
I want to protest when he pushes me down on the bench but he just gives me one of his looks and I give in, fisting my hands in my lap. He smirks at me, then turns around and gets us something to eat. I still scowl when he sits down next to me, pushing a bowl of soup and a plate with bread in front of my face and points to it. I feel angry and I don't know why.
"Eat." Is all he says and I pick up my spoon after a few seconds, trying to calm myself but not succeeding. I don't understand myself.
I stay silent and don't react to his hand that tries to grab mine under the table. I go so far as to pull it away and put it on the table between us. There is no need to look at him to know what he feels at my display, tensing next to me and looking in my direction with narrowed eyes. I don't know why I am riled up about a cute gesture like getting me something to eat all of the sudden. Maybe my thoughts about Tobias and the long day in the control room have me more on edge then I thought and pushing my thoughts about dependence away is a lot of work, too. I just feel angry and can't find a reason myself.
"What is it?" He asks again, his voice laced with a bit anger at my blunt rejection of contact. I can't blame him and sigh heavily. I don't know what to say and stay quiet, chewing my bread after dipping it into the soup.
"I asked you something and I don't feel like repeating myself for the third time." He has put down his fork and knife and I try to answer his narrowed eyes with my own, only to find myself unable to. I just look over his shoulder. Eric isn't patient and I know that much but I am still slightly surprised when he grabs my chin and pulls my face so that I can't do anything to avoid his eyes anymore.
"I already told you I had an exhausting day." I try this approach again but the hard edge around his mouth tells me that I won't be left of the hook so easily again. I turn my face away and he lets go of it, his hand clenching into a fist. I stare at it for a moment, laying between us and try to find the calmness in my mind to stop the angry knot in my stomach from turning and letting me act this way with the man I like so very much.
"I don't believe you. If you don't want to talk about it have the guts to say so." I hear the strain in his voice to keep calm and I am sorry to put him through this. I want to share my sudden anger with him, try to come up with an explanation together but something holds me back and I grit my teeth. I think I was silent for too long because he stands up, his meal only halfway eaten. I look up to him and I think there is pain and regret in my eyes.
"Get your shit together and talk to me. I won't play hot and cold with you again." He simply states, his voice calm but there is also a certain coldness and determination in it. Without a look back he leaves me alone at the table, soup gone cold and I am freezing as well. I try to be angry that he just walked off but I am realistic enough to know that it doesn't matter. I wouldn't have said anything because I can't decipher my emotions at the moment and I feel like crying. His back moving away from me is more painful than anything else I experienced so far because I know it's my own fault.
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