I don't know how many times in my life I'd have to say this but damn, things with John were different. Different both from how they had been recently as well as different from the way they had been before. This time I think it happened more gradual than the others. There wasn't a clear reason that I could pick out and say 'yes- this is why he's being weird'. Usually one of us had done something or said something to make things uncomfortable, but this time I couldn't find a reason. Maybe uncomfortable wasn't the right word for it. It wasn't like we didn't see each other or we weren't talking. We saw each other every couple of days, we even spent more time alone together than we had in years. We talked constantly when we were apart, and I thought finally we were getting back to how we used to be. On the surface, everything seemed normal. The first few months of the semester had went smoothly. However, it was the little things, only the things that I could realize being different. It was the words he chose, the lack of ease we had tried so hard to recreate from rubble, the fleeting glances that I couldn't decipher and that he tried to deny doing. Either he'd flinch away, retracting himself but trying to make it as casual as he could, or he would let me get too close. There were rare occasions when I felt like he was deliberately putting himself in my space. He'd sit too close, shoulder to shoulder and act completely normal. It made me question anything else he did because he would just as quickly go back to shifting away awkwardly in my presence that it left me completely dumbfounded as to just what he thinking. I couldn't think of a way to question that very fact without sounding bothered. If it was one of the other things would have been a little better. Maybe then I would have had a chance at figuring him out. But with the way things had been recently, I was completely lost.

At first, I hadn't noticed anything. Because it wasn't the sudden shift in behavior that I was used to, he left me confused and startled. Things seemed as normal as they could have been. Until they weren't. Even so, things weren't necessarily bad. It wasn't as if he was being cold or unfriendly. It was more of mild discomfort and uneasiness. I'd seen and heard worse from him, but that didn't lead me to try and see if I could figure it out- see if I had done something I was unaware of.

I asked him about it one day, and the conversation went just about as poorly as I expected it too. It was over and done with in approximately three minutes, most of which was filled by silence and unending stares. We'd been sitting in my room for the purpose of studying, but that quickly morphed into John laying with his phone inches from his face on my bed and me half reading half staring at him trying to figure out how I would ask this. I couldn't settle on anything better than going straight for it, looking back, saying something different most likely wouldn't have helped anyway.

"Hey- are you doing okay?"

His thumbs tapping at his screen stalled, brows lifting just slightly. He brushed off the initial stun of the question quickly but turned his head a bit, stared surprised just a few seconds too long. "Yeah, of course. Why?"

I shrugged, trying my best to make everything as nonchalant as I could. I'd been peering over my book at him, but I shut and let it fall to my lap. "You just seem off lately is all. Didn't know if I had said something."

"'Course not. I didn't know I seemed that way." He laughed then, smiling wide but unconvincing. "Thanks for pointing it out though. Maybe I'm just not sleeping enough."

Clear to me that I wasn't going to get anywhere, I pulled my mouth thin just shy of pursing. "Just let me know if I can ever do anything for you." My head had fallen back down to the book, now open and resting against my knees, but from behind my bangs I could still see his grin had fallen back into an empty stare.

"Thanks." He responded vacantly, nodding as if to shake something from his head before looking back up at his phone.

To exhaust all of my possible outlets, I then turned to questioning Rose who admittedly didn't spend as much time as I did with him, but I had to do what I could. And that went just about as well as the first had. Whether or not she knew anything, she didn't say a word that was in any way helpful.

She'd dragged me along with her to the library while she was in search of a book. She claimed I was there to help her in case she couldn't reach something. Although that may have been true, I knew her to never be the one to outwardly admit to wanting to spend time with someone. She always needed a reason behind another person's presence- even someone like me who'd she'd known since birth. So here I was with her, silently recognizing that she wanted me around whether simply for her convenience or otherwise.

Presently, her eyes scanned the shelves, finger on her chin as she thought. I'd followed her around blindly for a good ten minutes, saying little other than quiet condescending comments about the people around us. She chided me, per usual, but still partook on occasion and couldn't stifle the entirety of her hushed chuckles. Yet, after another five minutes of mostly silence and her snapping at books just out of her reach for me to retrieve, I needed to do what I really came for. I cleared my throat first, handing her another book to add to the stack growing in the cradle of her arm. "So-" A small hum of acknowledgement. "You talked to John recently?" I began causally, but immediately her eyes were on me with interest and skepticism.

"We talk often as friends usually do." Another snap and point to a book, older than the others and pulling along with it a small puff of dust. "Is there something particular you think we may have been talking about?"

I couldn't meet her eyes, my head down as I clicked around aimlessly on my phone as soon as I had handed her to book. I didn't even have anything to hide but I somehow still couldn't look at her dead on.

"Not really." It wasn't really a lie. I didn't know what was up with him so I couldn't think of anything specific that he would've shared with her. Even so, she hummed as if I was leaving something out so I tried again. "He seems off. Just curious."

She paused. "I haven't noticed." Was her response as she flipped the cover open, thumbing through a few pages before handing it back to me and pointing up at the hole it had left. "He's an off guy most of the time. It can be taxing to separate one off mood from another." I returned it to the shelf without looking up, but I could feel her glancing up at me. "Have you spoken to him?"

"Yeah, says he didn't notice."

"Maybe nothing is wrong then." Her back was to me then, continuing to another shelf "Don't make mountains out of mole hills, dear."

My grasp on my phone tightened and my face scrunched up. I wasn't making mountains out of anything. Something was different, I just couldn't figure out what. I muttered a response along those lines under my breath, but a sharp glance quickly came over the curve of her shoulder that sent her hair swishing around her face. It was longer than it had been in a while was my first thought. My second was that I never quite gave her the credit or compliment of how endearing she could be. Petite and pale faced yet stern and refined she stunned me for a second until my third thought came flitting in. I shouldn't have said anything in the first place. How had I forgotten how exhausting trying to ask Rose anything was; especially when it could possibly lead to a lecture? I put on a deep set scowl hoping that would convince her to turn around and leave me alone before she chewed me out in the middle of a library like a mother would do to her young child. Instead she challenged my expression, bangs settling to frame her eyes beautifully.

"Keep your face like that too long and it'll stick." She scorned before quickly wiping her head back straight.

"Says the nineteen year old with crow's feet and frown lines."

She waved her hand at me in dismissal. "I don't know what you're talking about- my skin is impeccable."

With that attempt failing to be worth the trouble of it all, I dropped the topic with her and moved on to my next and last option.

The only other person I knew who would have any sort of insight on the situation would have been Sollux considering he'd lived with him for a year, but he was even less helpful than I imagined he could be.

The apartment was quiet when I returned, the only noise was Karkat typing away on his laptop from the couch and something running in the microwave. He didn't even look up when I passed, but instead simply pointed toward the small balcony connected to the living room. With the sound of the door sliding open, Sollux twisted to look over his shoulder and offered a small wave.

"Welcome home." He muttered around the end of a cigarette. He was leaning against the railing, hunched over on his elbows.

"Hey-" I slid the door shut again, leaning against the wall next to it. There was about enough room for three people at most to stand out here, a bag chair and a small table taking up most of the space.

"Someone's happy." He had turned back to look down at the street below. "What's got you in a knot this time?"

My arms crossed over my chest as I faked offense. "You say that as if there's always something wrong."

"And that's not true?" A short glance over his shoulder. "You're always wound up about this or that. It's honestly exhausting just to be around you. I don't know how you survive being so strung out."

"It's exhausting just to look at you- how are you even still functioning on the amount of sleep you get?"

He reared back a bit, lifting both his hands. The cigarette in one and a mug in the other, he settled back down without a word.

"Healthy." I remarked with a quick exhale of a laugh.

There was a subtle shake of his head before he stood fully and turned around, ash flittering down from his fingers. "Don't act like you don't do the same."

"Okay, okay," I waved my hand dismissively, swatting at the air between us. "We're both pieces of shit and are the prime examples what not to do. At least I have a slightly valid reason."

He hiked up a skeptical brow while his lip curled. "Which is?"

"John's been acting weird and he doesn't seem to acknowledge it."

Immediately he's thrown himself into a fit of sighing and slumping against the railing. "And we're back to John. You spend more time concerned about him than you do yourself. He's an adult you know? I'm sure he can take care of himself."

My face fell into a scowl but he quickly matched it. "Look, we've been friends a long time. I know when something isn't right."

"That doesn't mean you should meddle." He extended the mug and waved his arm around making the coffee slosh and threaten to spill. "Don't you think if he wanted you to know he'd tell you?"

"That's just it." I knocked the mug away before retracting my arm and crossing them defensively. "I know him. I know when he wants to be left alone. He doesn't say things flat out. You have to drag them out of him. Hell- half the time he doesn't even know what's bothering him until you point it out to him."

"So you're going to tell him what's wrong before he decides it for himself?" A scoff. "Yeah, okay, that's healthy."

"Better than him being weird and distant for no reason-" My head dropped a bit with a huff. "I just don't know what it is and none of you are being any help at all."

"I don't know what you want from me man- it's not like we were best friends for nine months." He was talking to me while smoke trailed from his mouth that was quickly replaced by the rim of a coffee mug. "I talked to you more in a day than I did to him in a week. Either he was out studying or there studying and didn't want to be talked to, or he was out with friends. Or you know there were the months when he was just blatantly angry with me about the whole-" He gestured between the two of us contemptuously, ash falling to the ground near my feet. "-whatever that was for like five minutes."

"So what, you don't talk to him at all?"

"Eh, I wouldn't go that far," He turned around fully now, elbows resting on the rail as he leaned back into it. "More like maybe once a week. Our friendship, if it really even is that, is more of a "hey, look at this funny picture" and not so much "hey how are you, any internal crises you'd like to share with me" kind of deal."

I sighed again, a hand finding its way into my hair to run through it with a tug. "I need more helpful friends than you lot."

He suddenly chuckled, throwing his head toward the door. "Why don't you ask Karkat, he probably knows more than I do."

The sheer shock of that statement brought confusion to my face faster than most things had in a while. "They're friends?"

"More so than he and I are- I know, shocking."

"How-"

"No idea." He shrugged but was grinning nonetheless. "Probably sit around complaining about you if I had to guess." My unamused gaze led him to wave me off. "It's most likely true, but if you want a serious answer, I'm guessing it's because they have classes together."

"To be honest, I lived with him for a year and I couldn't even tell you what his major is."

"He's changed it so much your guess is as good as mine."

I glanced to the door, watching him continue to sit there and type away at his laptop but now with a bowl with something hot sitting between his legs. It was worth a shot I guess- best lead I'd gotten from the start of all of this. "Might as well try, I suppose." Pivoting on my foot, I slid the door open enough to stick my head through. "Hey Kar-"

"No." He replied immediately, continuing to not even grace me with a glare.

"Do you think John's been acting weird lately?" I asked anyway, which only caused the slightest twitch of a reaction.

He quickly pushed any and all of his first thoughts away, typing paused only for a few seconds. "John who? I don't know who you're talking about."

"Come on-" My words drawled out as I hung on the door. "Anything at all will help me? Just one thing, one word."

His eyes were back on his laptop but his hands stopped again and raised in a shrug. "I don't know who that is, so how can I possibly help?"

"You're an ass." My voice was deadpan and with no sense of a joking tone, hand gripping the door a little bit tighter.

Finally, and entirely to my remorse, he lifted his head with the fakest smile I'd ever seen painted across his face. "Love you too, sweetie." And just like that it was gone, back to a settled scowl. "Now please leave me alone."

I sighed and yet something about his overt irritation made me smile and slink back out of the doorway. "We're just the most bestest friends aren't we?"

Without any help from any of them and no way I could have possibly figured this thing out on my own, I'd decided my best option was to give up and let things work themselves out. And by work themselves out I meant fester until you couldn't do as much as even looking in John's general direction before his temper got the best of him. He was, for the most part, a calm person. He didn't think all that rationally, but you couldn't call him a hot head or malevolent. It wasn't until he was left alone with a problem that he grew short spoken and spiteful. I'd recently come to think I was his favorite person to let the tension out on, but that could just be me playing the victim like I'd apparently come so used to doing. However, seeing no other plausible option of figuring this whole thing out; letting him sit and stew in his own discomfort was the plan.

The answer would come soon enough on its own- wouldn't it? He'd eventually implode like he usually did and leave a trail of destruction in his wake. I was used to it, I expected it, and yet I felt uneasy. There was an impending sense of doom that lurked behind his fake smiles and hollow laughs. I should have known I was right. Though, he always did seem to catch me off guard.

And yet, when the answer finally came, it didn't come wrapped in a nice box or written on a piece of paper neatly folded into an envelope. No, it came in a fury that I could have never readied for even if I'd had years of preparation. It made every other explosion he'd had seem like a mere rumble of distant thunder. A small ripple belying the true nature of the oncoming storm.

I was unaware and naïve. I started out irritated- impatient, but I wish I'd had just a bit more time to bask in the calm of my own cluelessness.

The answer came like many situations I'd been thrown into in my life. This one was just as equally annoying and exhausting. It was the middle of the semester at this point, air just cold enough to make you shiver while walking outside. Things were going relatively normal considering most things I'd been through. I was doing better in school and kept up an, at least, functioning social life. In most aspects, I was rather proud of how far I'd come in the past few years. And so, I was utterly dumbfounded as to why I was in the current predicament. Repeating over conversations from the past few hours still left me with no resolve as to how I ended up sitting on a couch that already had a few too many people taking up too little space. There was a cup nestled between my hands, unknown liquid sloshing and threatening to spill onto my lap whenever anyone moved from the couch and another forcefully threw themselves onto it. My left ear was hurting from the speaker in the corner of the room thumping out a bass distinctive to a song everyone else seemed to know. Evaluating the utter hell that was the party I was apparently partaking in, I found myself repeating two questions in my head and trying to find the answers.

Question one: why the hell am I here

Question two: why the hell and I here

In order to try and figure it all out, I took myself back about six hours.

Rose had thrown the door open to my apartment, slamming it back before making a beeline to my room. Another door flung open, phone waving above her head.

"You know," She began as she flung herself onto my bed. "When your sister texts you, you really should answer her."

I had been sitting at my desk, chin in my hands as I read the book lying open before me. After finishing a paragraph, I lifted my head, turned, and sat back into the chai. "Maybe my sister should have taken the hint when I didn't respond to the fifth message she sent."

She ignored me, quickly sitting up and crossing one leg over the other. "So what's your answer?"

My eyes had fallen back down to my book in attempt to block her out which I knew would be futile. "I figured you would accept my lack of an answer as a no."

"And yet here I am."

My finger flipped a page despite having read less than half of what was on the last one. "And yet here you are."

"It's just one party- have you ever even been to something like this?"

"Yes mom, I've been to a party. And I've decided that I'd rather not go to any more."

She clicked her tongue at me, fingers tapping against her knee. "Will you stop pretending to read that book and have an actual conversation with me?"

"I think I'm doing a pretty good job at multitasking right now."

She huffed, abandoning that approach as quickly as she'd taken it up. "I'll make sure you have fun."

"What a compelling argument."

"I'll buy you lunch tomorrow."

"Rose, come on-"

"John will be there." She added quickly as if that was some incentive that was immediately going to make me jump at the opportunity.

"Good for him." It was a passive response, coupled with a shrug. "It's the kind of thing he'd like."

"I honestly thought you'd be more excited by the possible prospect of staring broodingly and pathetically at John from across the room like you usually do."

"Broodingly huh? And here I thought I was being inconspicuous about it all."

She guffawed, arms crossed over her chest and head thrown back. "I know you're joking but the thought of you being in any way inconspicuous is more humorous than anything I've heard all day."

I glanced around my desk trying to find anything that could aid in distracting myself from her and this conversation. "And that's just one of the many reasons I'd rather stab myself in the leg with a fork than go."

"You can't go back to avoiding him. I know you said he's acting weird, but it really is exhausting to watch you both to hold unexplainable grudges and pretend like you don't care."

"Then you must have some sort of inkling about how exhausting it is for me."

Suddenly she was behind me, arms going over my shoulders and her cheek pressing against the top of my head. "Honestly, you're the most exasperating person I know."

I still laughed once and gave as much of a shrug as I could with her weight on me. "He doesn't want to be near me but then he does. He doesn't want to talk about it but he doesn't want to ignore me. He says he's fine but every time he comes around here he gets weird and standoffish." Her arms stiffen a fraction but she's soon loosened them to pull back and stand straight. Despite the weight lifted, I slump forward and sigh against my desk. "I can't figure him out and that seems to both calm and frustrate him. Does he expect me to just know what I'm doing wrong without him telling me? Because that's some psycho bullshit that I don't want any part of."

"Sounds like he needs to work it out on his own."

"Then he should stop making it my problem. I don't see him acting this way towards any of you."

I swear she laughed at that, but when I turned around she was already walking toward the door. "There will be alcohol."

"Oh yeah, that's definitely something I've never had problems with in the past." I began to roll my eyes, but I stopped when I found her turned back around and staring at me. I couldn't tell why exactly she was so adamant that I go, but something about her stare was more unnerving than it usually was.

"I'll be there."

"And you're just a blast when you're drunk." I'd meant for it to be just as sarcastic as the last, but after it came out I realized the mistake in what I'd said. She stopped at that, mouth pursing and eyes turning narrow. "Rose-"

"No. You're right." She was immediately back to waving her hand around and acting as if I hadn't just offended her deeper than I'd originally meant to. "I can only imagine how insufferable dealing with a drunk person is. Of course I'd never know that. It's not as if I've ever spent any extended period of time around anyone drunk. How could I have been so insensitive to your feelings?"

I sighed long and drawn out. It ended winded with an arm draped over my eyes. "Rose that's not what I meant."

"Of course not." She stood, tossing the book to my bed and straightening out her shirt. "You never mean anything."

I could tell she was turning to leave again. She stalled at first, contemplating saying more, but quickly snapped her mouth shut and took a step towards the door. I sat up to catch her wrist in my hand and tug her back a step. She seemed rather bothered by the gesture, tugging her hand away before looking back over her shoulder.

My hand was still hanging in the air as she stared me down without moving. "Why do you want me to go so bad? It's not like you haven't done these things without me before."

She laughed while giving a soft shake of her head. "Is it so bad that I'd like to have fun with my brother? You need to get out more. I fear you're going to go crazy keeping yourself locked up in here all the time." My arm came back, crossing with the other over my chest. "I never thought I'd say this, but maybe you should stop studying for a weekend and come along with me."

I continued to stare at her, but we both knew nothing more than that was going to be said. "I think one of these days we should actually get to the point where we can say what we mean."

Her response was quick and clipped with a smile. "We never mean anything."

When she left, I moved myself over to my bed. I fell back against the pillows with a loud sigh, arm slung over my eyes. If anything I would have guessed she was trying to guilt me into going. And look at that- it just might be working. Even though the two of us never stayed mad at each other for more than a few hours now, those hours were usually filled with unnerving regret on my part. After a long, drawn out exhale, I pulled my phone up above me and peeked out from underneath my arm.

fine.

It was all I sent, and all I needed to send apparently; because I immediately got a message back that made me groan.

Glad you're seeing things my way.

My obligation to attend was only further forced upon me when John joined in on the guilting- whether he knew it or not.

Between the spring semester, frequent phone calls over summer, and having lived with him for almost three months, I could easily acknowledge that I'd never been able to warm up to a person as quickly as I had to Sollux. Even with John there were months of disliking him that took a considerable amount of time to get past. And despite ignoring him and trying my best to avoid him at first, once Sollux and I did move past all that happened in the beginning, we were admittedly pretty good friends. And because we put to rest everything that had happened between us for the betterment of ourselves and our relation with John, my current state of being didn't bother me at all. The same could not be said for John. For when he threw the apartment door open to find us lying on the couch, Sollux propped against the arm with one leg up against the back of it and the other on the floor while I lounged with my back to his chest and controllers in both our hands, his expression was a site to see. I paused the game in time to study his eyes widened considerably and hand gripping the door knob enough to make a sound. I could feel Sollux make an effort to sit up behind me, but I didn't move. I was fastened in place just as John's eyes were on my own. There wasn't so much shock in them now as more of a confused daze. In his own true fashion, he recovered quickly. His hand loosened from the door and found its way to the back of his head, grin being slapped on slightly parted lips faster than it had faded.

"Sorry for intruding like that- hope I didn't scare you guys."

There was a deep exhale against the top of my head and I determined that since John was going to ignore whatever he had been thinking and feeling when he opened the door, I had no reason to stay in such a position and try to draw it out of him.

"Don't mind, you didn't." I breathed back as I settled into the couch and draped my arms along the back of it.

My mouth was open to keep going, but in one breath he was already speaking again with his eyes on the floor and his hands wringing one another while he paced slightly. "Yeah well, I was in the building giving some notes to one of my lab partners, and Rose had mentioned that you may be coming with her tonight, so I figured I'd stop by and see for myself because honestly I was a bit shocked when she told me that , I mean, you're not exactly the one to come to these sorts of things- not that I'm saying you shouldn't come, hell, I'd love for you to be there I'm sure you'll have a good time and all, it's just that, you know, it may not be your crowd, so if you don't want to come that's understandable, and I'm not going to make you do anything that would be uncomfortable- what kind of friend would I be if I did that- okay really all I'm saying is that if you want you can, but if not, that's fine- I'll always see you some other time so don't feel obligated, I'm sure she said something to make you feel obligated- Rose is always doing those things, so please-"

"John." My head had fallen back against the couch, eyes shut as he continued to spiral even though I was certain he had run out of breath a long time ago. Calling his name just loud enough to make him jolt was enough to shut him up and bring his eyes to my neck. With a huff I lifted my head and let it fall lazily to the side. "I told Rose I'm coming didn't I?" His eyes looked up a bit, not really focused on my own but more north- my hair maybe? My eyebrows? I couldn't exactly tell, but he was quick to correct himself and let the fall the fraction of an inch down. Meeting mine they livened up a bit and gave a quick flutter of lashes behind shades.

"Yes, well-" He began again, quieter this time around.

"Then I'll be there."

A few blinks, a clench of the jaw, and a harsh swallow breath were few signs of what? Fleeting fear? Anxiety? Confusion? I didn't know. Though I didn't have time to decide because the grin was back full swing as he nodded a bit.

"Sounds great. I'm glad to hear it." His hands quickly flew to his pockets after a curt wave. "I should be going then, a couple of the guys asked me to help them get the house ready for it." He gave another flash of his teeth. "I guess I'll see you there then?"

I nodded which he took as a good sign to swivel on his heels and depart with a speedy goodbye.

Once the door shut, it was silent in the apartment save the faint noise of Karkat's television from the cracked door of his bedroom and the soft music of the paused screen. Sollux was the first to break it, clearing his throat and peering over at me and with an expression that seemed to be somewhere between concerned and lost.

"You're definitely right about one thing," He started, eyes going back to the door. "Something's very much not okay with him."

I could only nod once more before unpausing the game and deciding to deal with whatever the fuck that was later.

And later just happened to be the exact moment when I was pondering why the hell I was at this party before answering my own question with the fact that I am weak and can be easily guilted into doing things.

I'd seen John a few other times while being here, just a few glances past the faces of others. He hadn't made any attempt to come say hello past the first when I'd entered with Rose, but he knew plenty more people here than I did. He also seemed to be ignoring those glances even when our eyes did meet- half a second and he'd be looking away or acting like he was just making a sweep across the crowd. From that alone I wasn't about to approach him.

There was a beer in my hand now having traded in my cup o' shit liquor in order to keep myself at least functionally drunk. The buzz had settled low in my stomach making everything a bit warm and fuzzy; the tips of my fingers already going slightly numb. I'd moved from my seat on the couch to take a position of standing against the wall. It was much easier to pretend I wasn't there when I didn't have people constantly jostling me around. In the beginning I'd tried my best to embrace the situation I'd found myself in, but as time passed and people got drunker, that was harder and harder to do. We'd been here for what? Two- three hours? Rose was long gone and probably not thinking about me in the least. The few conversations I'd had were short and filled with nonsense words that meant nothing more than the intention they came from. The majority of the time was spent either on watching people behave idiotically or with my head down and my phone close to my face. This behavior ultimately allowed for a distraction until abruptly and, at first, unbeknownst to me, John was by my side against the wall. Originally I'd thought he was just another person who didn't want to be there, but once I actually turned my head I could see that familiar grin. He had a cup to his lips as if to hide his face and disguise himself. It was quickly lowered once I'd stared at him for a few seconds, head rolling to the side in order to grin openly at me.

"You look positively miserable." He mused after giving me a quick once over.

I shrugged, turning to stare back into the crowd. "More or less."

"Oh-" He drawled out dramatically, and arm suddenly slung over his eyes. "What a shame. And here I was thinking the incorrigible grump that is Dave may actually have fun for once."

"If I'm such an incorrigible grump, this shouldn't be a surprise to you-"

He slunk down with a huff, head hitting my shoulder and causing all of my muscles to go rigid. "What an insatiable, inveterate, irredeemable grouch you are."

"What big words for such an amenable, acquiescent, assentive schmooze."

He huffed again, rubbing his cheek against my arm before a hand came up to rub his forehead. "None of those words are very nice, I don't appreciate this kind of ridicule."

"No?" The corner of my mouth quirked up. "How about garrulous? Loquacious? Verbose? Voluble? Take your pick, I have many."

"Now you're just showing off." He finally- finally- pushed away from me and swept his hair back. "Besides- I don't talk that much. Your words are therefore inaccurate."

"Okay, well maybe that's true as of lately. At least not to me."

"I'm sorry?" He offered, seeming unsure of just what I'd meant.

"Lately. You're being weird."

His face scrunched, hands curling into loose, unthreatening fists. "I'm not being weird-"

My brows lifted, unconvinced. "You're being pretty weird bro."

"Weird how?"

Normally I would've blown him off with a vague answer or a passive phrase, but I took a deep breath and let my mouth take the lead over my brain. "You don't talk to me- then you do. You don't want to be close to me- then you're suddenly uncharacteristically touchy. You're distant- then feel like you need to tell me everything that's happened since I last saw you down to what you ate for lunch. Sometimes you're how you were back in high school and then you're back to acting like I broke your arm and killed a beloved pet. Now, I know you're pretty moody-" He was quick to try and refute that point put it got lost when I raised my voice a bit. "-we both are, time to get over it- but you've never been like this. At least not to me."

"Oh really-"

"Ok, well, it's like you either go from talking to me all the time to ignoring my existence, but it's usually large chunks of time, you know? Not really day to day basis like it's been for the past few months."

"I haven't really-"

"Like I get if it's something I did, but you could at least give me a head up about what exactly that is."

"It's not-"

"And yeah, ok , I don't like Amy-"

"Annie" He quickly corrects, pretending not to know as well as I did that I did it on purpose.

"Whatever- I don't like her, but honestly I thought I'd covered my reasons and you were okay with it all; but if you're not just let me know. If that's the reason for all of this, if for some reason you can't deal with the fact that I don't like your girlfriend please just let me know and maybe I can try again."

"No, Dave-"

"No, no, I can try. I can do my best to pretend to like her so you can bring her around again. Thanks for not making me be near her since I told you, but really, if that's what's causing all this ridiculous drama then I swear I'll pretend to be okay with it. It'd be worth it if you'd stop acting like the little shit you are and put on some big boy panties."

His hand was on my shoulder, gripping tightly. "Really, it's not about her."

"Then why are you being so weird- just talk to me."

His eyes closed, growing tighter by the second. "Shit man, look I just can't explain-"

"Come on John-" His eyes opened again, looking up at me. "This is getting ridiculous. You're not explaining anything. Every time you talk to me you're either skirting around things or pretending not to hear me." I didn't mean for my tone to be so condescending and dismissive, nor did I intend the effect it had on him.

His hand slunk away, drunken anger taking over his previous wide eyed stare. "Well sorry," He drawled in a low voice. "I didn't realize you're the only one who can sulk their way through their feelings."

Things weren't adding up again, moods switched instantaneously. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Apparently nothing. Apparently I'm not talking to you at all." He continued and caused my eyes to turn up. His face was soft despite his attempt to appear serious. He was drunk, that was clear enough by the demonstration of more physical contact than he's given me in months. It was further confirmed in the slight flush of his face, the light sheen of sweat on his forehead, and the way his eyes were tired but warmly so.

"Look, I just meant," The lip of the bottle was an inch from my mouth but it fell as he inhaled quickly.

"I'm not talking to you." I couldn't tell if the question was genuine or accusatory. I'm not sure he quite knew either. "That's what you said."

Finding no clear escape, I lowered the bottle. "I mean- you do- I just-" His face was pinching together and fists were forming. "I feel like you're saying everything but the one thing you actually mean. I don't exactly know what that thing is, but- I don't know. It's just a feeling."

He went soft again, confused, rash anger fading into some sort of clarity I couldn't read. "Just a feeling?" He offered distantly, clearly mulling something over. When his eyes came back up, they were muddled with something else. His hand extended, hung in the air with twitching fingers before wrapping around my wrist and tugging me a step closer. Before I had the chance to breathe let alone comprehend, his face was next to mine and his mouth an inch from my ear. "Jesus, you're so- Just come with me." He muttered, leaning close before tugging me along.

I was a little reluctant, but he was laughing again which was better than the anger he'd just shown. Standing still, he'd seemed relatively okay, maybe a little tipsy, but moving was different. He was swaying a bit as he pulled me a long, glancing back as if I would wiggle away and run off. And sure, John had times were he put himself into fits of unstoppable laughter, but to hear him giggle was another story entirely. Something was off. He tightened the hold around my wrist and was weaving me through the crowd, up the stairs, and down a hall He stopped before a door, opening it and sticking his head inside. He soon turned back to me and nodded. I wasn't exactly sure what the nod was about but since he tugged me inside, I really didn't have all that much time to wonder about it. When we were inside, I turned around to question him about pulling me into a dark bedroom, but he just stepped closer than a normal distance could be classified and put a hand to my chest.

That hand pushed me back through the darkness. I could still hear the beat of the music downstairs-or was that coming from my chest-and the chatter of all the people throughout the house. I didn't even know what room he had dragged me into, but my mind couldn't exactly focus on that right now. All it could do was pay attention to the fact that John's lopsided grin and the way his fingers were drumming on my shirt were leading me to believe something about this was not right. He laughed quietly, my feet only stopping when the back of my legs hit something. I began to fall, but I caught myself by sitting down with one arm extended behind me. It was a soft landing. My mind registered it as a bed, but my eyes and every splinter of emotion were locked on his face; all my nerves burning where ever his fingers touched. When I sat, he followed. His knees went onto the bed, one on either side of me and- holy fuck John was totally straddling my lap god damn he's really heavy and his knee is hurting my fingers and suddenly I'm having trouble breathing and seeing and hearing but honestly who the fuck cares right now when this gorgeous being is giving me a look I've never once seen on his face but Jesus Christ had I seen it in my dreams- My hands were in fists in the cover, lungs frozen, chest tight as I held in my breath. I was so confused, I couldn't even think passed believing this was probably some joke he was pulling to humiliate me for his own joy.

He stared down without meeting my face yet, taking off his own glasses and setting them on the nightstand before looking me straight in the eyes. I noted that his grin was completely gone; something that rarely ever happened. I had seen John drunk before- he was giddiest whenever he had any alcohol in him at all. Let's just say it was a little surprising to see such a serious expression on his face at this point. It all had to be a dream. I had probably passed out on a couch or a bed and my mind was just playing tricks on me. Some of the air in my hollow lungs escaped, but it wasn't enough to feel like I was breathing.

His hand traveled up to my cheek, thumb grazing against the warm skin as his other fingers played with the hair at the base of my neck. I knew my eyes went wide at this, fuck it, they were already wider than I was comfortable with. I tried to swallow and say something but I couldn't seem to gather any air despite the fact that I could feel my chest rise and fall frantically. But now his eyes were scanning over my face and he was coming closer. He was barely inches away when the words finally croaked form my throat.

"The fuck are you doing, John?" My voice sounded high and small. All of this was making me more than nervous and the flipping of my gut wasn't helping.

He didn't even speak. He just stopped me from trying to rationalize this with a hand to my mouth that was quickly replaced with his lips because- holy shit jesus fucking flying shitting christ John's lips were on mine. Mouth on mouth, not even like mouth on cheek, we were full on about to start a heart throbbing mac sesh. What the fuck was happening? Definitely a dream. No other way would this be happening. This was still the John that had fled my apartment when I had kissed him- the one that had argued with me and chastised me so many times for kissing him- the one that dated girls and that told me he didn't like me in that way- but now he was the one- he was kissing me. John. Willingly kissing me. Which was wrong and god dammit I could taste the alcohol on his lips and his breath, but there was no way in hell I could give a flying fuck about that right now.

My breath stopped there, I couldn't believe what was happening. My wish for the past six fucking years was happening. Six years of wanting him like this. And all I wanted was to keep him right here forever; keep kissing his beautiful face. However, of course my rational mind would get over my giddiness and kick back into control. Much to my disliking, my hands grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back.

I scrambled for words, for thoughts, for anything. "You have a grilfriend." Was the only thing I could fumble out. Why that was the first concern I had about this situation was beyond me. Not that this was John, my very admittedly straight not attracted to me at all best friend, or that he was drunk, or that he had pushed me away from doing this exact thing. No, my first worry was about a girl I didn't even like.

"Who cares? Dumped her a week ago anyway." He breathed out, that hand sliding up into my hair and brushing through it just the right way. A comfortable sigh escaped me as my head lulled back with his hand. God brain please just shut up. Just let me have this.

It didn't.

"Okay, so I'm some sort of backwards rebound- And you're clearly drunk."

He had the audacity to laugh in a situation like this. "And your point is?"

"Mental and emotional inhibition are no acceptable reasons to kiss me-" Me. He was kissing me. Why couldn't I let myself have this moment I'd waited so long for? Why did I have to choose now to make good decisions and think of others before myself? Honestly, fuck me. I can't even be nice to myself. "So-" I forced out long and vacant with a breath. "we shouldn't be doing this when you can't think straight." If I had ever said something I didn't mean more than that sentence right there, I would have been shocked.

"I can think just fine." He all but purred, head craning down and reattaching to my neck.

Muscles acting over words, my head tipped to the side and I bit my tongue to keep from spewing any other rational thoughts out- or any sounds that would currently be far more than embarrassing.

"I'm John." He broke off, giving a quick nibble and a hard suck to one spot on my neck that made me squirm. "You're Dave." I think my chest was going to hollow out as my stomach sunk and my throat struggled to let any air through. "I'm trying to kiss you, but honestly you're making it pretty difficult when you won't stop running your mouth. Not that I'm surprised."

"Well I'm surprised!" I sputtered. "How do I know this isn't just drunk John talking." I whispered, hands sliding from his shoulders to trail down and grip his hips. I couldn't help myself. This was pathetic. I was pathetic.

He lifted his head back, looking me dead in the eyes again as I straightened my own. They were a bit glossy, but he still had enough of his true self in the expression of his eyes to make me feel a bit more relaxed. "Drunk John and regular John are the same people, dipshit. One of them is just a little less of a pansy ass about his feelings."

"And what feelings are those?"

"Feelings about how fucking attractive his best friend is." This just had to be a dream. John would have never said that. I couldn't even imagine him saying that it was so out of character. Not unwelcome, definitely not that, but still didn't help my wariness. I exhaled through my teeth and tried my best to anchor myself in reality by digging my fingers a little more into his hips- not to mention that also being just the unintentional reaction of hearing his voice say such a thing in that deep voice. Thankfully, his grin quickly returned, and I couldn't say it didn't give a bit of reassurance that this really was the normal John- he was just a little more… free with himself.

"Oh really? So regular John thinks this too?" I hummed, trying my hand at being confident as a smirk began working its way on my face.

He laughed, pressing his lips back to mine a couple of times before pulling back. Each one was like a breath of fresh air, and I never wanted him to stop. "Yes? But really, when has there ever been someone who couldn't notice how attractive you are? Anyone could tell that much. I guess it's just when I really started to think about it. When I knew how you felt about me- it really made me start to think y'know. And I know how much you like your ego stroked."

My eyes flicked wide for a second but quickly returned to normal. I tried to swallow but my mouth was dry and my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. You've got to be fucking kidding me universe. This isn't a dream- it's like fucking heaven up in here. "So why didn't he do anything about it until now?"

"Let's just say when you're drunk you're willing to do things you're too scared to sober."

"We've been drunk together before." I commented which made him stop and actually try to think rationally about an answer.

"Yeah, well-" Rationality was failing him. I'm pretty sure thinking in general was failing him at this moment. "We haven't in a while. Most of that was last year."

"Did you just start thinking about it?"

"Not exactly- I guess I was still working through everything. Hadn't decided whether to do anything about or not." His face scrunched a bit, his head swaying back and forth a bit. "Can we not do this right now? I'll talk later, but like I said I just now worked up the nerve to do this and I don't really want that to go away. Now- kiss me."

God did I want to; I wanted to do that more than I had ever wanted to do anything in my life, but my, for the most part, sober self was keeping me from it. "I can't, darling."

He seemed genuinely concerned at that, rescrunching his face in disappointment. "Why not?"

"You're drunk it's not right." I replied, trying to keep a smirk from tugging at the corners of my mouth.

Suddenly, his expression turned from confusion and almost worry into a goofy, lop-sided grin. "I'm not drunk. I'm just beginning to see what my mummy was talking about all those years ago." He began to chuckle and I let a quiet bubble out of my throat. "This is no time for Austin Powers." He muttered through a laugh as he leaned back into me. "Not to mention it's a horrible movie."

"Funny statement coming from you."

Hand was on my cheek, patting it lightly in his drunken stupor. "Now's not the time to piss me off about our differences in movie choices Strider."

I didn't have time to speak again before his eyes drifted down and he was back to getting his way no matter what. God, his pecks were so feverish- and I almost didn't know what to do. I knew how drunk he was, I knew he'd probably regret it, I knew how much he must've wanted to keep this from me, but I couldn't help myself. I wanted to- I wanted to stop and tell him no. Tell him that this wasn't right and that he didn't know what he was doing. All I could hear was my own thoughts full of curses and screaming for my muscles to stop disobeying my brain. Yelling at my fingers to stop slipping beneath the hem of his shirt or my lips to stop kissing him back- everything to just stop. Stop and realize how wrong it all was. How this isn't what I wanted. Drunken and stupid is not how I wanted this. Stop and give me time to breathe and think through everything that was overloading any part of thought or sensation I had left. Despite whether he actually felt this way or not, I knew I sure as hell wasn't going to feel good about this tomorrow. But I couldn't stop, I couldn't keep from pushing forward and letting it all happen. I was never good at resisting him; never good at shutting him out for very long. He always worked his way back in no matter how hard I'd try.

His voice came in a whisper. "Stop overthinking it." And just like that he was back in, had me wrapped around his finger with no sign of letting go. He opened his mouth a bit more in an attempt to urge me forward while my hands finally let go of his hips and took to grazing up and down his sides. In a sudden movement, he had a hand on the back of my neck, pulling me down with him as he slid from my lap to lay on the bed. He wriggled up a bit so his head was on a pillow and tried his best to guide me over him. I wished I could've been more fluid about this whole thing, but my legs felt like they were made of lead and my arms are like those pencils you got in elementary school that were all bendable and wiggly.

"Stop thinking." He repeated when I finally did manage to get my legs and arms on either side of him and he was settling back into the bed with a little sigh.

"I can't." I admitted to his eyes that were slightly closed and the warm grin that was back to being plastered on his face. I had my hands on either side of his face until I shifted down to my elbows and kept inhaling every exhale that puffed into my face, kept running over the ridges of his ribs or clawing at his hips to make sure he didn't run away, kept wishing so hard that he was sober and that this was years ago when I could have saved myself so much fucking pain. Of course I couldn't stop thinking. Not when I was gaining sobriety by the minute and this was John laying underneath me with flushed cheeks and wandering hands. He just laid there, making sounds I thought I'd never hear coming from him; especially not from my doing but he had the audacity to tell me to stop thinking. But I would try my best. I swallowed my thoughts for the most part and told myself to regret this in the morning but goddammit just enjoy it now before he's gone and back to being you're –not gay- best friend. Although, he wasn't much help when his hands somehow found their way under my shirt as I began to trail kisses down his jaw and to his neck making him shudder. He lifted his hips, back arched to press them against mine which only drew out a small but still reserved moan from my throat as I pushed back. Just as one of my own hands found the waist of his pants did a sudden blare of music come screaming from my pocket.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me." I groaned through a deep sigh, head breaking from his skin to hang as I sat back on my knees. John rose to his elbows, giving me a curious look as I pulled my phone from my pocket.

"Hello?" I answered, not even trying to hide the annoyance in my voice.

"David- are you still here?" An overly slurred but still familiar tone came over the phone with a hiccup.

I ran a hand over my face, almost growling my response. "Yeah, why the fuck are you calling me Rose?"

"Well, it would seem I have become a bot- excuse me, bit intoxicated. I think I'll need you to drive me hom- home."

"Fuck. Can you give me… I don't know. Time."

"Afraid not." Another short hiccup. "I've got class at weenieteenie early in the morning and I need my beauty sleep."

My hand was in my hair, gripping it tightly as my face scrunched up. "Come on sis- just like a little while longer. Call a cab or some shit, I don't really care I'm just a little busy right now."

"No can do sporto- I've been threatened by my roommate if I wake her up past two again she is going to start locking me out. You wouldn't want that on me dearest, would you? Plus you wouldn't want little ole drunk me to get a cab all by myself at the risk of getting murdered or raped, right?" Her voice was lilting and loud, annoying- but I knew I couldn't just leave her to fend for herself in a state like that.

I let out a long stream of grumbling curses before hissing into the phone and leaving what an unbelievable opportunity this had become. "Dammit fine." Before waiting for a reply, I hung up and shoved the phone back in my pocket. Standing up, I straightened out my shirt and turned back to the bed. "I gotta go. The princess is in trouble."

John got to his feet, swaying a bit before managing to steady himself and step forward. He grabbed the back of my head, smashing our mouths together yet again before pulling back.

"You won't forget about this, right?" Damn I felt small, so fucking vulnerable and weak asking that, but I had waited far too long for that to happen.

He just grinned and shook his head. "Neither I nor regular John will forget."

I let the faintest smile slip before nodding and turning around, hands in my pocket and smiling growing once he couldn't see it.

Down the stairs I went, slipping back into the crowd of drunken people in search of my beloved damsel in distress. After getting elbowed and spilt on multiple times, I found her slumped into a chair with an arm over his eyes and a glass nestled between her hand and her stomach. A touch to her arm caused her to flinch and cast a threatening glance at me with one eye until it all faded into a smile.

"Oh brother, you came to save me." She lilted, bringing her arm away from her face completely. "I'm forever indebted to you good knight."

"Sounds great princess, now let's go." My hand was extended to her which she graciously accepted but not before tossing her half full cup to the floor with a completely insincere "oops".

Pulling her to her feet, I slunk my arm around her waist once I realized she had been sitting for a reason. Walking obviously was not an option, so half leaning-mostly carrying was what I had to do. I weaved through the people, dragging her along with me as she hummed along with the current song playing and fumbled through the motions of walking. I was glad when we passed through the door to be hit with a cool October breeze. I had felt like I was on fire ever since John had led me up the stairs, but the air was cooling the burn of my skin nicely as it dried the nervous sweat that had formed on my forehead and neck.

I managed to sit her down on the stairs leading off the front porch and pull the contents off my back pocket into my hand. When I had expected to find some sort of cash or really any form of money, it was especially disheartening when I only found the receipt from lunch a few days ago, a few dimes, and a pair of headphones. Looking down at the mess beside me, I nudged her with my foot until she looked up.

"Got any cash?"

She glanced down at her lap, only finding her phone in one hand and nothing in the other.

"Unless I've hidden it from myself, I'd have to go with no."

With a defeated sigh and a quiet mumble, I pulled my phone out of my other pocket. "I guess a cab isn't an option then." I began flicking through my contacts only to settle on one and pull my phone up to my ear.

"What's up asshole?" I shouldn't have been surprised when the line actually picked up, knowing full well sleep meant nothing to him anymore.

I exhaled in relief, earning myself a slight upturn of my lips. "Hey Sollux." I started lightly, my hand coming up to the back of my head.

"Ah shit no-" He began immediately, slight bite to his words. "You're using your help me tone."

"How do you-" I tried, but he was already speaking over me.

"I know it because you sound friendly, and you only sound friendly when you need me to do something. Fuck, it's almost four in the morning what could you possibly need?"

I muttered through some attempts at words as my hand flopped back to my side. Rose was snickering at my feet most likely being able to hear his irritated snarling on the other end. "Rose and I are stuck at a party with no cash for a cab."

He quickly snickered in addition to what sounded like the squeaking of a computer chair. "Looks like you're walking bro."

"Shit, come on." My hand was at my eyes, incessantly rubbing them out of exhaustion. "She can barely walk as it is and I'm exhausted. Could you just-"

"Dude I'm just kidding, just send me where you're at and I'll head that way." There was a sharp zip of jacket and the jostling of the phone followed by a door shutting. "I can't just leave you stranded there drunk and just waiting to get robbed and murdered. Well- at least murdered."

"Hopefully the robber would realize we ain't got shit and leave us the hell alone." His snickering continued, "Plus, I can run faster than she can right now so it wouldn't be much of a threat to me."

"Fuck you can, I'm fine." Rose tried to assure me with a punch to my knee that did little more than make my knee bend reflexively.

"Quiet down, I'm finding a way to get your ungrateful ass home."

She slunk back down just as Sollux wished me luck and asked me not to die before he arrived.