I know all anxiety and such but remember she had to go through ALL her emotions to heal. Start from scratch so she and her man could be happy and live happily ever after and so it goes...
Previously…
"I'm so sorry." I whispered falling to my knees on the floor. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and I am sure he felt much the same. Only he didn't deserve it and I did, take mine out and stomp on it. I deserve it but him….he didn't deserve any of this. He is just the angel at my side who stood beside me and got caught in my messed up life. I don't deserve him.
He stopped at the door and looked back at me, his face full of suffering.
"Bella, I know you love me. I don't doubt that it just hurts. I need space." With that he walked out.
Edward's POV
My heart felt like it was bleeding as I walked down the hall. I stopped and leaned on the wall closing my eyes. I can't believe this is happening to me. I don't understand any of this and I can't pretend to. I'm trying so hard to understand and stand by her I know her past was not her fault. I know she is struggling to push past all of the pain and move ahead but I don't know how much more I can handle. God I love her but my heart…."
I stood and walked downstairs finding Alec in his study. He looked up from his book.
"I thought you might come looking for me." He said setting the book down. "Why don't you shut the door Edward I don't want to upset the staff or your son." He seemed to know I was irate. I followed his instructions and moved forward to his desk.
"What the hell are you thinking!" My voice was raised but not quite yelling…yet.
He leaned back allowing my anger and clasped his hands.
"What do you think I was thinking Edward?" He asked making me angrier. I shoved off the desk. I am trying to get some answers and he has the nerve to turn this around and try to ask me what I think he was thinking? What I'm thinking is I want to rip his head off his shoulders so I'm thinking he shouldn't test me that's what I'm thinking. I reigned in my anger and spoke.
"I have no idea. You push my fiancé and my brother together to see if she has feelings for him. What the hell kind of therapy is that? We have a baby and we are making a family. Why would you jeopardize that in any way?" I yelled shoving the entire set of crystal glasses and whatever alcohol he had in the vase onto the floor from the cabinet on which it sat. He was lucky it wasn't his face.
He sighed.
"You must learn to control your anger Edward. You could hurt her in the end.
"What is that suppose to mean!" I didn't like his implication at all.
"I mean what I said, you could physically hurt her. You wouldn't mean to but you could. I have a feeling I'm not telling you anything you don't already know am I?" He looked at me pointedly and I frowned sitting down.
"I've never hit a woman."
"Yet." He said calmly.
"I would never hit Bella. I would die before I would ever hit her. I've dealt with my anger for years Alec. I know how to handle it and if it gets too much I know to walk away and cool off. Never would I lay a hand on Bella. I could not live with myself." I said again. "Yes, I get angry but I have limits. Touching her in anger is one of them. I was raised better than that."
He raised an eyebrow and looked at his crystal on the floor.
"Pity for my crystal then." He met my eyes. "You want to know why I did what I did. I'll tell you it's very simple you want Bella and you want to start a relationship with her. You want to get married and you want all the past issues behind you, no lies and no more barriers. No past to haunt you. Yes you have a baby, yes I see that clearly. I wonder what if her feelings stayed buried and years down the road she discovered them then she felt guilty and never told you. What if she was confused by them…what if she took them further?"
I looked down in horror. I can't imagine what if in that situation. We would all be devastated this was nothing compared to that. I inhaled deeply and looked out the window.
"I couldn't recover but we don't know if that situation would ever occur."
"No, you couldn't. Neither could she but facing this now and telling you how she feels. It prevents any further difficulty with her guilt and her not understand how she feels. She is opening up and feeling what she needs to feel. She is allowing herself to not be ashamed to feel love and understand it's not the same, it's not confusing and she doesn't have to be guilty and hide it from you…that changes things. It doesn't make it easy now but she is learning about herself again. It allows her to trust you and know it's ok to tell you how she feels inside. She is getting stronger you know it and I know it."
"I want her to tell me how she feels, but I can't change how I feel." I argued.
"Nor will I ask you to. It is understandable but you must understand that the pain now is well worth your future. When this is all said and done she will come to you stripped of everything. There will be nothing that lies between you. You start fresh and go from there. You build on that."
"If I make it that long." I groaned pinching the bridge of my nose.
"Edward, you love this woman. No one ever said it would be easy. You will have to build on your relationship when I am done but I promise you when I am finished you will have a foundation that is clean. No more skeletons to worry about. Isn't that worth something?"
"I don't know anymore." I didn't mean that but it came out. My face fell in my hands and I sighed just thinking. He makes sense and that bothers me. I don't want him to not about this. I want to punch him… actually I want to do more than that right about now but I'm restraining myself. He has no idea.
I leaned back blowing out a deep breath.
"I need some air." I said standing he didn't say anything. It was probably better I wasn't calm yet and I think he knew it. I walked out the door and out onto the patio. I wanted to pound my head into the concrete and make this all just go away. I wonder if I pounded his head into the concrete would it go away?
There's so much going on in my head right now. Yes, I want Bella to feel able to come to me with her feelings. I want her to tell me how she feels about everything and know it's ok I can handle it. I just didn't know the process would be so damn hard. I don't k now if it would be if I were hearing the same things about someone who wasn't my brother. Jasper is a great guy but it doesn't change the fact he's my brother and that bothers me. I've got to do some serious soul searching on that one. I have to make peace with that inside myself so we can all be ok or it will tear us all apart. I know that.
I heard something that sounded like a whimper and followed the noise. I traced it to an isolated area beside the house that was mostly covered with flowers and decorative things. It had a small concrete bench in the middle but that wasn't what caught my attention. What caught my attention was Bella curled up in the corner hidden mostly by shrubs but I could still see her. She was rocking back and forth crying softly. Why did it hurt so bad to see her hurting? I knew she regretted what she did. She looked so broken and I hated to know it was because of how I reacted even though it was an appropriate reaction.
In all honesty she could have lied, she could have never told me and I would have never known but she didn't. She came straight to me and told me. She knew it could cost her everything yet she told me. I thought I was strong but really who is stronger here? I knelt pulling her from the corner and holding her against me. I seemed to have scared her and she looked up. Her doe eyes looked so lost and upset. God, she was beautiful…so beautiful my angel.
"Bella love, shhh.." I whispered kissing her softly.
She shook her head.
"What I did was unforgivable Edward. I….." I stopped her with my finger on her trembling lips.
"You told me. You didn't have to but you did. I'm hurt and I'm angry but I'm glad you told me. You risked everything in telling me. I have to say that took guts love." I wiped her tears and smiled gently at her sad face.
"I love you Bella, so help me I can't stop myself every beat of my heart is for you. I'm hurt and it will take me time so please understand that. It doesn't change that I'm in love with you so very much. I don't want to just throw what we have away we've come too far but I won't deny we need to work on things."
She sniffed and looked confused. It's simply impossible for her not to be beautiful even when her face is all red and splotchy from crying.
"Tell me." She whispered.
I stroked her cheek burying my hand in her long hair.
"Trust Bella, we lost a lot of it and it's going to have to be built back up very carefully. I want to trust you again you have to help me. Show me you want me to trust you." I said as she nodded her head in agreement.
"Dedication, I need to see you really want this to work between me and you. I want to know you want me and only me and you are sure this time. If you aren't sure then we don't need to be pursuing this relationship."
"I only want you." She whispered grabbing my shirt. I could see in her eyes it was the truth but I wanted her to understand this was it. I wasn't playing any more games time to show me all the cards. I wanted to marry this woman and she needed to devote herself to me and our son.
"Do you want to marry me Bella?" I asked softly.
"Yes, more than anything." She answered tears falling again. I sighed wiping them with my thumb.
"I want to marry you too and I will, but it will be delayed until we get all of this straightened out. We can't go into this with all of these problems. I want you in it all the way. Can you agree to that?"
She nodded looking down and I lifted her chin.
"I'm not saying no Bella. It will just be a little longer than expected think of it as an extended engagement. We can do lots of things in that time you know." I teased her kissing her nose. She was so precious. I ran my free hand to her hip pulling her closer. It's funny with Bella there is always innocence about her. It's in her eyes when you look deep, there's a purity there that I've never seen in anyone else. A child like quality that I hope she never loses.
"We get to watch Gabriel do all sorts of wonderful things." I said knowingly.
She smiled and it was genuine. I caressed her back as I continued.
"We'll get to know so much more about each other…" I leaned to her ear and whispered. "About each other's bodies."
She shivered and I chuckled kissing her neck as I pulled away. I love the way she looks at me with such warmth and passion. There is no denying the love I see in her eyes. I only hope she can find it within herself to keep us together. I want that more than anything but I can't do this alone anymore. I can't keep killing myself trying and I won't I just don't have the strength.
"Bella." I didn't know how to say it without being harsh. I didn't want to hurt her yet she needed to know where I stood. I looked away for a moment focusing on the trees ahead.
"I don't want to hurt you love. I don't know how to say this…"
I shook my head looking down. She lifted my cheeks in her hands.
"Just say it. I can handle it." She whispered tears glistening in her eyes. It was almost as if she expected it. She probably did. She knew me well and she knew how many times I had been hurt.
"I 'm giving you this chance Bella this last chance…." I looked off swallowing hard. "I just can't keep doing this to my heart. I can't keep trying to piece it back together because I feel like it's getting too hard to find the pieces. It's not fair to me or Gabriel. I want to be with you so much and spend my life making you happy. I can't see myself with anyone else but if I don't stop this now I'm scared of what I will become." I said looking into her eyes.
She shook her head as silent tears ran down her face.
"I know I've hurt you so much Edward. I never meant to…how can I sit here and say I won't do it again when I keep doing it?"
I didn't know what to say, what was she saying?
She slid away from me and stood.
"Maybe it's better if we just end it now. I can quit hurting you and you can start reliving your life in a normal environment." She shook as she spoke. Her voice was just a whisper in the wind and I sat frozen at her words. She couldn't mean this I didn't want us to end. Not like this I had no intention of us ending yet if ever.
I stood quickly grabbing her arms.
"No, I won't let you do this." I shook her slightly
"You were the one who taught me how to love again. You're almost through your therapy and from what Alec said you've completed the toughest parts. I won't let you back out now. I stuck with you and now you owe me Bella. You have to show me why I stuck by your side show me why it was worth it. Show me why I love you so much." I said in an almost angry voice.
She looked up in my eyes.
"I don't know why Edward, I'm a messed up girl from Forks who…" She trailed off looking down. I lifted her face in my large hands.
"Who what?" I questioned forcing her to look at me.
"Who fell in love with you." She whispered.
"That's all I need Bella, you're all I need." I said pulling her close. She looked up and I searched her face for any sign of her feelings. She was showing so many emotions I wasn't sure which one was dominate.
"You're so close love, let's finish what we started. Work on our relationship and raise our family together." I said watching the expression on her face.
"I don't know where to start." She began and bit her lip.
I smiled.
"We'll figure it out together."
"I don't want to hurt you again. Edward I'm so sorry." She said resting her face on my chest. I kissed her head.
"So then don't and let's move this relationship forward. It will take time but anything worth doing is with the effort." I said inhaling her wonderful lavender scent. She smelt so good. I always loved the way she smelled. She always had a way of making my heart beat faster. She always would even if something happened between us, she would always be the love of my life.
I didn't know how I would deal with Jasper. I was letting that go until this thing blew over. I didn't even want to think of that yet it was probably better that I didn't because right now I would kill him. I wonder if Mr. wonderful told Alice what he was doing last night. Was he as honest? I have to admit I was curious did he love her enough to come clean?
"Bella?" I asked.
She leaned back to see my face. I was going to say something but when I saw her face I lost all train of thought, her bright brown eyes looking at me with hope, her flushed cheeks and full pink lips begging for me to take them against mine. I couldn't resist I had to taste her. My lips gently descended onto hers. Initially I intended to simply make this a slow lingering kiss but the fire I felt was suddenly burning out of control.
I don't know how she had so much control over my body. She could just smile and I was hers it didn't matter what she did. I couldn't resist her. I was a lost cause, pathetic really and I am not proud of it. I tried to reign myself in but I felt myself lifting her legs around my waist. She gasped sharply resting her hands on my shoulders.
"Edward." She tried to speak.
I heard her but my brain wasn't quite functioning at this moment.
"Edward." She gasped again pulling her lips from mine.
I was trying to catch my breath as I met her face. She shook her head.
"I think we should take it slow, build up to this." She said gauging my reaction. I set her down trying to calm myself. She was right mentally I knew that. Physically I didn't care I just wanted her. I wanted her badly. I leaned on the side of the house closing my eyes. This sucks so bad right now. My body is going to hate me.
"Am I wrong?" She questioned me. I turned opening my eyes and smiling a lopsided smile at her.
"No, actually you are absolutely right. I am glad one of us was thinking it's too easy to slip back into routine and we need to get to know each other again thus earning trust." Why did I suggest that again? I'm such a putz.
I took her small hand in mine.
"I was thinking maybe we could take Gabe on a picnic. I bet he would enjoy that." I suggested the less alone time the better for us. She smiled and I swear the back yard brightened.
"I think that sounds like fun."
I love to see her smile. I moved closer intertwining my fingers with hers as we went to the house to find our son. He was happily playing with blocks in the living room with Gertie. I thanked her and she retreated to another room. It is amazing to watch yourself in another little body. To watch how they think, how they rationalize things. Their huge smile from the sight of your face, ok so Gabe has me wrapped around his pinky and then some.
I chuckled as he rocked back and forth on the floor. He'd be crawling soon he was definitely trying to figure it all out. He grabbed my pants leg and I lifted him onto my lap. I love his chubby little cheeks, he's my little cherub. He likes to sing to, all kinds of loud noises that make no sense at all but to him they are perfect harmony.
I smiled as he reached for Bella and she took him. He immediately rested his head on her chest, there is nothing like the comfort of mommy and he knows it just like all babies do. She rubbed his back and hummed to him softly. I wish I had a camera it is such a beautiful sight. They are perfect.
I kissed her head and stood.
"I'm going to go let Alec know where we're going." I told her and turned heading out. She smiled then refocused on Gabe.
We gathered the things we needed and headed for a nice location with an open area that was secluded but beautiful. I unloaded the basket while Bella got the baby. Laying out a large blanket we sat down on the grass and relaxed. She leaned back on her arms allowing the sun to caress her skin.
"It's nice here." She said barely above a whisper. Gabe sat between us playing with his book and talking nonsense occasionally. I smiled.
"I just had to get out for a while."
She turned to me but didn't comment. I knew she knew what I meant and it's likely she was feeling the same way. I watched as she stroked Gabe's little leg.
"Alec says I am ready to meet my parent's." She said biting her lip.
"What do you think?" I questioned curious to her reaction. She met my eyes.
"I feel stronger now. I feel ready to hear their side I don't feel as afraid or worried. I'm ready to move forward."
I smiled it made me happy to hear she really was healing and getting stronger every day. It was like a light switch had suddenly gone off and she had progressed from there. Alec had tested her with me the ultimate test actually. If we fought how would she react? She had reacted like a normal woman would not like I would have expected her to react a few months ago.
I looked out at the mountains and smiled. Life seemed to be moving forward and I can actually see it for once. I felt Gabe trying to pull up on my stomach so he could stand and I assisted him watching him with love. He has brought such joy to my life, but then again so has she. I looked up as Bella slid closer resting her head on my shoulder. I could stay like this forever. A perfect moment in time you wish you could freeze.
Gabe had been up for a while and was beginning to get fussy. Bella handed me a bottle and I fed him pulling him up on my chest so he could relax. He only took a minute to get comfortable and sucked his bottle deeply. Bella gently rubbed his back and I smiled as his eyes began to drift closed.
"He's so beautiful." She whispered. I kissed her head and slid the bottle from his mouth. I laid him beside us on the blanket and covered him with a thin baby blanket we had brought. I stretched and moved my neck back and forth she looked at me worried.
"Are you ok?"
"Tense." I said softly.
She bit her lip and moved behind me attempting to massage my shoulders but they were so tense it didn't even begin to help. I chuckled and stopped her hands.
"Thanks for trying love but it's not going to work." I pulled her around on my lap.
"I'm sorry." She whispered resting her head on my shoulder.
"No more saying I'm sorry beautiful, ok. " I ran my fingers down her long hair and sighed. She inhaled deeply after a moment and leaned back to look at me.
"Should I move?" She questioned.
I knew she just caught on to my body's obvious state of arousal at her being near and sitting on my lap. I wasn't planning on acting on it so I didn't really care if she moved or not. We were getting to know each other again so having sex was off the agenda for a while.
"It doesn't matter love, it will go away after a while." I said kissing her cheek.
She bit her lip. I love when she does that, she looks so innocent or like an angel about to sin all at the same time. I noticed my breathing increased and attempted to push her down a little. Ok , so maybe she was going to have to move.
"Can I help?" She asked and I raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"Help what love?"
"I can…." She blushed. My favorite thing in the world was when she blushed. Ok, yeah now she really has to move. I squirmed beneath her. She put her hands on my chest and then ran them up my neck to my face.
"Edward I can help you fix your problem, if it's….ok." She turned redder if that's possible. "I mean if you want me to."
I swallowed hard realizing what she was saying. Oh My God I think I just blew an artery somewhere. I looked down at Gabe sleeping peacefully and back to her. She smiled innocently and moved back up until she was on my hips and inches from my face.
"Is that what you want?" She asked.
I'm going to have a heart attack. I felt like my heart was going to fly from my chest. I raised my fingers to her hair and pulled her face to mine.
"Yes Bella, I want it." I said against her lips before I kissed her. I couldn't resist she was about to kill me. I'm so glad Gabriel is a sound sleeper. He would have not been happy with his daddy is he wasn't. One thing I do know Bella continues to surprise me and I learn new things about her. I like that. It seems the more I learn the more I love.
I think with the exception of meeting her parents which I have a feeling will go well, we are on the way to recovery. The both of us are past all of the pain and suffering we had to acknowledge. Now we just have to recover and heal from it all and work on our relationship to bring it back to where it needs to be. I know it won't be easy, I know it won't be overnight but I do know that I love her and I feel like this time there won't be any more heartbreak.
I finally feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I see us at the end as a family. I look into her eyes and somehow I know this is all going to work out and be ok. I had a dream the other night, I didn't tell her but it was a dream about us and we were on a beach somewhere and Gabriel was around 2. He was on my hip as we walked hand and in hand through the waves of the ocean. We stopped to look at the sunset and I looked down in her arms was a beautiful little girl. She couldn't have been more than a few weeks old. She was beautiful just like her mother. I reached to caress her little cheek and my wedding band caught the light.
It felt so real. I want it to be real and I'm going to keep it my secret for now because I have a feeling it wasn't a dream at all