Chapter 35
"I see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through the flames"
"Beauty from pain," Superchick
"Okay, can you explain to me how someone who is as hopelessly dorky and lost to the definition of subtle as Xander Harris can still manage to be such a freaking man whore?" Cordelia demanded to Faith from where she was sitting with her at one of the Bronze's small tables, eyes cast towards the crowd of people thronged around them and apart from them. Although the Bronze was busy tonight, full of people no matter what direction a person chose to look, it seemed that Cordelia had to exert no effort whatsoever to continually find and follow Xander's trail among the many.
"Okay, he goes from me to WILLOW, which is enough of a slide down the scale right there, that's more like a free fall without a parachute. But then YOU- no offense, but the guy goes from an eight month relationship with me to a five minute bed hop with YOU?" Cordelia pointed out, and Faith's lips quirked as she replied mildly.
"More like seven minutes, give the man his due."
"Fine, seven minutes, wouldn't want to deny you both those two minutes of bliss," Cordelia rolled her eyes, voice heavy with sarcasm, and Faith grinned as Cordelia's eyes automatically found Xander in the crowd again as soon as their rolling was complete. "But then to go from seven minutes with you to THIS new weird chick who seems to think they're already halfway down the wedding aisle with leprechauns trailing behind throwing piles of gold or something?"
"Oh, that would never happen," Faith assured her, her grin widening. "She said something about being afraid of midgets. Bunnies too."
"This girl isn't even HUMAN, she's a DEMON! A freaking VENGEANCE demon! Up until this point he was at least dating within his own species!" Cordelia exclaimed, and Faith shrugged, leaning back in her chair casually as she glanced from Xander and his date to Cordelia.
"Ought to keep her on your good side then, Cor. He ever pisses her off, I bet you could talk her into doing all kinds of funny shit to him if she ever gets her powers back."
But Cordelia was not quite ready to laugh it off yet; despite her previous declaration that she was entirely over Xander, and the civility that had existed between them so far that allowed them to remain at the same table with Faith in the school cafeteria, this tentative neutrality between them was obviously still fragile, and Xander and his new date being in the same room as Cordelia, at least tonight, was enough to upset its delicate balance.
Faith had thought it a little odd when she and Cordy, deciding to go to the Bronze after Faith's uneventful patrol, had found Xander there unaccompanied by Buffy or Willow or Oz. When Faith had gone up to him to greet him, Cordelia following at a slight distance, Xander had seemed nervous and awkward in his responses, his eyes darting about a though he were worried someone might see, and when Faith grabbed his forearm, offering to take him out to the dance floor to liven up his night, he had actually gulped, his eyes widening in unmistakable panic, and took a step back, declining with a hurried shake of his head and stumbling words.
Faith had been mystified by his reaction until a slim brunette emerged from the direction of the restrooms, her eyes narrowed with intense suspicion at both Faith and Cordelia as she came closer, possessively taking Xander's arm into hers. She had wasted no time in informing them both, but particularly Faith, whom she had never met before, that she was Xander's date and therefore retained full claiming rights. It was after this that a rather red-faced Xander had introduced her as Anya, a former vengeance demon, and yes, his date- there hadn't been more time to say more than this and a rather nonsensical comment thrown in by Anya about midgets and bunnies before she pulled him away, clearly leery of sharing him with anyone else, particularly two attractive females he had previously been involved with.
Faith for her part found the entire situation pretty damn funny- something about Xander that was obvious by this point to her was that he was never going to choose a girl who would let him wear the pants in the relationship, often literally. She wouldn't have minded reclining back and watching him with this Anya girl, who seemed pretty funny in her own right albeit unintentionally. Cordelia, however, was not yet at the point of seeing humor, and she was making sure Faith knew about it, if no one else. She had barely sipped her drink since they arrived, and now glowered in his direction even as she muttered to Faith.
"He wears plaid. Who wants a guy who wears PLAID? And the way he can't just stay on one, he has ADHD of the pants. Who wants a guy with ADHD of the pants?"
Faith snickered, shaking her head, and stretched, her tank top rising above her navel as she stood slowly, raising an eyebrow.
"Cor, that's like every guy…it's kinda what happens when your main entertainment sources are Playstation, Playboy, and comics."
"This place is so lame," Cordelia shook her head again, tossing her hair over her shoulder with an impatient sigh, but Faith didn't fail to notice her eyes shift towards Xander and Anya again. "I don't know why I even come here, with all the people who-"
"To make guys like Xander kick themselves 'cause they want you and can't have you?" Faith supplied helpfully, and as she stepped closer to where Cordelia was sitting, Cordelia huffed, rolling her eyes yet again at this reply.
"So I get to dance with a second loser to make the first loser jealous? Oh boy does THAT sound like fun," she muttered.
Faith shook her head, smirking as she leaned closer to Cordelia's ear.
"Not just any old loser, Cor, you're gonna dance with me."
As Cordelia looked up at her with some skepticism, eyebrows arched, Faith took hold of her arm and tugged in an attempt to get her to stand along with her.
"Oh, come on, Cor, you know if the two of us get up there, Xander and any other guy around is gonna look. Who can resist two totally hot girls all over each other?"
"Okay, there will be no ALL for you to be OVER," Cordelia said quickly, but she nevertheless allowed Faith to pull her to her feet. "I've never been mistaken for some cheap stripper and I'm not about to start now. I've got plenty of money without someone sticking sweaty dollar bills in my back pocket."
Still she allowed Faith to slide her hand down the length of her arm into her hand, leading her out into the middle of the dance floor. And when Faith began to sway and gyrate to the beat, tossing back her hair and letting herself move against rather than with the music, Cordelia followed suit, albeit more tamely than Faith- at least at first.
For the first few minutes the girls did not touch, but only stood close, dancing near but not exactly with each other. Eventually as the music seemed to envelope and surround them, Faith reached to take Cordelia's hand, pulling her closer and resting her other hand lightly on her hip. Cordelia did not pull away, and in fact, her eyes remained bright, alert, her lips curved into a faint smile as she met Faith's gaze, and Faith smiled back, hoping to lose herself in the moment, to forget everything that she'd talked about with Earl the night before, and just dance.
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"So you and Buffy had a talk last night, huh?"
Seated on the couch of the combo kitchen/living room area of her pool house, knees pulled up to her chest, arms wrapped around them, Faith exhaled, then nodded. Glancing over towards where Earl stood by her fridge, leaned back casually against it, she thought he looked like he might open its door and take out a drink or snack for himself at any given moment- and knowing Earl, she wouldn't at all be surprised if he did. She would just hope he would remove the tobacco from his mouth first, because that would just be disgusting.
Earl had appeared just as Faith had changed into the tank top and boi shorts she normally slept in when alone, curling herself into the corner of the couch. She had not been ready to sleep, and had hoped that not think about things- Xander was the right guy for that- but at that time, Faith had too much to think about to try to push it out of her mind…and what she hoped was that Earl would sort of push her thoughts into one direction, so at least they weren't spilling out all over the place.
After everything that had happened with Finch in the alley- again- and now with Buffy too, and her decision to stay in Sunnydale, her declaration to Faith that she had a decision to make too- Faith could not seem to settle her mind, to come to any definitive conclusion about anything. She had thought before the past few days that she had things pretty much figured out. Finch was alive, because Earl had given her a second chance, and she had been struggling along to earn the right to keep it. Buffy was Buffy, and she and Faith would never really get along or understand each other, and that was that. She had thought it was all simple enough.
But then Finch had died. Finch had died, and even if it seemed like she and Buffy HAD in fact come to an understanding, and by some freakin' miracle Buffy actually knew for a change what she wanted, and it would be better for the both of them…now Faith knew nothing about what she herself wanted.
She had never tried to think very much about her future. It had seemed too depressing to consider long or often, given that Faith could see no evidence of it being likely to be happy. Faith had always been sure of how her life would turn out. Granted, when she was called as a Slayer, the details had changed somewhat, but the basic result was the same. Live hard, die young, suffer in between, and get in as many thrills as you could along the way. She hadn't thought it possible to have another option.
But now Buffy had offered her one…Buffy had offered her the chance to leave, to go anywhere and do anything she wanted…to not be the Slayer. And if she wanted to, REALLY wanted to, Faith could probably make it happen now.
People were looking out for her now, Giles and Wesley would probably give her money at least to start out on, if that was what she wanted, at least once she turned eighteen. She could get a job- not that THAT sounded so appealing. She could go on a plane, a helicopter, a boat. She could…if she wanted. It was an option.
But where would she go, what would she do when she had never had a job, had dropped out of high school, and really didn't know what place she'd want to go…what could be better, what could make her happier than being a Slayer? Then again, how would she know if anything would if she never took the time to find out?
Faith didn't like it, feeling uncertain, as if she now had to reshape her entire view of her world. She didn't like feeling strange, soft…like even trying to change her outlook, even temporarily, had somehow left part of her exposed in a way she had not yet figured out how to protect.
She didn't like the fact that she kept thinking about it all, that it was not leaving her mind…and she didn't like that it was driving her to the point of wanting to talk about it. But she did, and she turned to answer Earl with a sigh, shifting her body slightly to face him.
"Yeah…yeah, we talked. Got some stuff aired out…I think it's gonna be better now. Me and Buffy, I mean. Now that stuff has been said."
She squeezed her upper knees unconsciously, glancing over at him, and Earl nodded, crossing his arms as he smiled briefly.
"Always good to get things out in the open…makes 'em not so scary to think about once they've been said out loud."
There was something knowing in his gaze that didn't sit well with Faith, and she sat up, stretching out her legs on the couch and raising an eyebrow as she looked back at Earl again. "You trying to say something?" she asked suspiciously, and Earl chuckled, raising an eyebrow of his own.
"There something needing to be said?"
She knew he must be digging for something specific, something related to all that was weighing on her mind, and she knew she was going to have to spill it…but she wasn't quite ready yet. Instead, Faith cleared her throat, shaking her hair back from her shoulders, and shifted the focus of the conversation.
"So…looks like B's gonna break up with Deadboy, huh? Had to happen some time…they are, right?"
"If you mean Buffy and Angel, well, I don't got a crystal ball in my hand any more than you do, girl," Earl smiled, shaking his head. "I might see how things connect up in the grand scheme of things, but that don't mean I'm gonna know what happens five seconds from now any more than you do- unless I'm pulling a few strings here or there."
This Faith found to be rather incredible, and she fixed him with a sarcastic look, rolling her eyes. "You mean you don't call up God and get him to give you the day's forecast?"
Earl chuckled at this, stepping away from the fridge and walking around to the area where Faith was seated. Sitting in the armchair beside her couch, he made himself comfortable as she spoke.
"It ain't my place to try and see with God's eyes, Faith, only to carry out His will. I ain't got much more of an advantage than you or anyone else with that, Faith."
Faith had been flexing and unflexing one foot restlessly, but she stopped now as she met Earl's eyes, a new thought occurring to her.
"Are you telling me you don't know my future?" she blurted out, her voice colored with her surprise. "YOU, my guardian angel, don't' know what's gonna happen to me?"
"Nope," Earl informed her, shaking his head, and though his voice was casual, he was observing her shrewdly. "I don't know any more than you do. That knowledge is God's alone. What I'm here for is to help you decide and set into motion what that future's gonna be."
"Decide?" Faith repeated skeptically, even as her heart beat faster, even as she swallowed unconsciously. "I don't get to decide anything even if I try to decide everything. You can make whatever decisions you want…doesn't mean it's gonna happen."
Her eyes slid towards Earl as she spoke, assessing his reaction, but he regarded her as calmly as he had before, despite his clear lack of belief to her words.
"Seems to me you got a lot to decide, Faith, more than you ever thought you did up until this point," he countered. "You gonna stay here in Sunnydale and be a Slayer, maybe even THE slayer, or you gonna go your own way, make your own path? You gonna keep letting people into your life, little by little, or you gonna back up and push them away again? You gonna run from any pain from the past and any planning of the future, or you gonna face them both and get stronger and happier and healthier for it?"
Faith stayed quiet, letting her eyes shift away. When he put it like that, yeah, she couldn't deny that there was a whole hell of a lot to decide…more than she had consciously realized. Earl regarded her steadily, his voice gentle as he continued to address her.
"You did good talking with Buffy like you did. You were right, and you helped her see what she couldn't on her own. It ain't so easy to see those kind of things all on your own, but you can do it, Faith, and you ain't gonna be doing it alone. You never were, you know, but now you know it. And now you know the people you can ask to help you, if you'll just do it."
Faith still did not meet his eyes. He was talking about her and Buffy, she knew, but her thoughts were slipping back to ones of Allan Finch. Unwillingly she pictured the shock in his features, the blood trickling down his neck, the paling of his face, the growing blankness of his eyes as the light faded from them…it was with those images in the foreground of her mind that she turned back to face Earl, swallowing, and spoke softly.
"Earl…why did it have to happen again? Why…why couldn't I stop it? Was it because I blew my second chance…because I wasn't good enough? Why…why did he have to die?"
She didn't say Finch's name, because she was sure Earl knew who she was talking about already. She waited, swallowing again, knowing all her feelings must show in her eyes, because her skin had broke out in goosebumps even as she drew her knees to her chest again.
For several moments Earl just looked at her, his expression softer than usual, even sad. Then he moved himself from the armchair to sit beside her, laying a heavy hand on her upper arm. Somehow as usual, the touch was comforting for her, and she closed her eyes briefly as he spoke.
"Faith…Allan Finch's death has nothing to do with how good you are or have been, or how far along you've come with your second chance. And I want you to realize and understand that as far as that goes, you're doing good, making slow but steady progress. Might not always seem like it, since I'm always gonna be back there pushing you on more, but I'm proud of you."
He squeezed her arm lightly, pausing to assess her before continuing.
"Some things, Faith, are always gonna be beyond your ability to control or change. I know that ain't gonna make any sense to you now, and it ain't gonna seem fair or right, but that's just the truth…it's just how it is. Where you are now, Faith, you can't always see the big picture, and Allan Finch's death is one of the things needed to make that picture complete. His death involved you, and yes, it's about you, but it's more about him. Finch had choices to make too, Faith…Finch had a life and decisions separate from yours, and they had nothing to do with you at all. Your paths intersected, but he took a different road to get to that point of crossing, and that matters. That means something. For any outcome to change, there's gotta be more than one change made by more than one person. You've been changing, Faith, but Allan Finch didn't change enough or fast enough, and nothing you could have done was gonna be enough to make up for that. He made his choices…and it was not your fault."
His words fell heavily on Faith's ears, and she swallowed again, closing her eyes against the hotness resting behind them as she spoke.
"Then why change at all? If you do the best you can and you still can't stop things, it's still not good enough, and you have no control…why even bother when you can't really change anything at all?"
"But you can, Faith," Earl contradicted, shaking his head. "You can change you, and that right there is gonna open the door to so many other changes you'd never even think possible until they're there. And then you changing, everyone will be able to see that, and it could inspire them to change too. You can't control what choices others make, but you can influence them. But you can control you, Faith, and that makes a difference right there. You don't' get to be dictator of the world and how it works…but you can guide your own destiny. Ain't always gonna work out how you want it, but you can do more to help it get close to that point than you think."
He paused, eyeing her, and then patted her arm gently before releasing her and getting to his feet. Faith bit her lower lip, tightening her arms around herself, and did not reply as he finished speaking.
"You've got a lot of thinking to do…get some rest, child," he said softly, and something about his use of the word child, a word she had not been addressed as in a very long time, made Faith's throat tighten, her nails digging into her knees, as her Watcher's face briefly flickered into her mental view. "You try not to worry so much about tomorrow…you're heading the right way, and you've got a lot of people watching you now to make sure if you take a detour, it ain't gonna be because of one accidental misstep."
He had disappeared then, and for several minutes Faith had sat motionless, attempting simultaneously to process and to push back all that had been said as her heartbeat gradually slowed to normal.
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In the middle of the Bronze's dance floor, Faith held Cordelia's hand loosely in hers, bringing it over her head and slowly down again as she moved her body with the rhythm of the music pounding all around them, keeping close to the other girl as one hand rested lightly on Cordelia's hip. Looking into Cordelia's face and thinking solely about her moving almost in sync with her, about the music and the crowd and the heightened beating of her heart, the adrenaline buzzing through her skin, Faith could lose herself in it all, so that Earl and Buffy, Faith and everything about life at all no longer was in existence in her mind, at least not in each present moment. There was music, there was dancing, and there was Cordelia, not pulling away from Faith's touch or showing her usual contempt for Faith's less than tamed movements- in fact, she was there in the moment with her, and she seemed to be enjoying herself genuinely, whether or not Xander was watching.
About 20 minutes later, however, Cordelia blinked, seeming to remember that he was in fact her supposed reason for her actions, and she leaned in closer to Faith's ear as their dancing continued, eyes roving past her.
"Has Xander been watching?"
Faith rolled her eyes, smirking, and yelled back over the music, letting go of Cordelia's hand. "Don't worry if he is or isn't…forget he's there at all and trust me, everyone in this whole place will notice."
Her smile grew more mischievous than, her eyes glinting, and she added, "If you really want to push the envelope, though, you could REALLY start getting down…I could show you some moves that-"
"I'm NOT going to put on some stripper dance for free just to get at Xander," Cordelia said with as much dignity as she could muster while practically yelling in Faith's ear, leaning in close enough that her hair brushed her arm and shoulder. "I have just a little more pride and dignity, and, I don't know, CLASS than to-"
"Oh, so they gotta be waving a twenty dollar bill in your direction first?" Faith snickered, then laughed outright when Cordelia glared and started to pull away from her, catching at her arm. "Oh, lighten up, Cor, I'm playing…don't be a Buffy, all right?"
Being compared to Buffy- and coming out on the losing end of it- seemed, as Faith had figured, to strike a chord, and Cordelia glowered, albeit continuing to bicker with her lightly for a few more minutes, before they both went quiet, settling into a more relaxed and open mood again as they moved freely with the music, limbs occasionally touching or brushing without either trying very hard to keep it from recurring. They were smiling, often catching each other's eyes, and Faith felt so light and full and happy in the moment that she had forgotten all others- and it seemed Cordelia too had forgotten Xander long ago and wouldn't notice if she saw him again.
When the music slowed, switching to a song meant for couples dancing, Faith and Cordelia's movements came to a stop, and for a few moments they paused, looking at each other somewhat awkwardly as the question hung in the air. Faith was never sure after who took the first step forward, but somehow without her quite understanding how it had happened she found herself taking Cordelia's hand, one arm loosely slipping around her waist, and swaying with her alongside the others on the dance floor, a slight distance between their bodies, but not far enough apart that Faith couldn't feel Cordelia's hair again, frequently brushing her bare skin.
Faith barely heard the music. Her mouth had gone dry, and she swallowed several times, hearing her heartbeat racing distantly, somewhat not a part of her. Cordelia was not smiling, but her features were softer than usual, focused on Faith's face, with no sign that she was seeking to find Xander in the crowd. In fact, as she and Faith held each other's gaze, Faith was pretty sure she had even forgotten he was anywhere in the area.
Faith had never danced with anyone in this manner before, whether male or female, friend or lover of the evening, and between the newness of the circumstances and the fact that it was Cordelia, of all people, that she would first try it out with, she was not sure what she felt or what it meant…but somehow it seemed right. A little surreal, a little strange, even a little scary on some level…but right. And she couldn't deny that she was enjoying it.
When the song ended, the girls continued to look at each other, taking a few moments before drawing away from each other slowly, carefully keeping a slight distance between each other once they had both let go. Faith bit the inside of her cheek as a strong urge to take Cordelia's hand again came over her. She wanted to turn back towards her and hug her, to feel Cordelia's arms around her too…to regain the feeling she had had on the dance floor of there being nothing in the world except the two of them, of everything for just a few minutes being almost perfect. Strange, new, and a little scary…but somehow that had only made it all the better too.
But Faith couldn't bring herself to do it, and instead, she and Cordelia left the dance floor, together but not quite, in silence, and then with brief glances towards each other and still not spoken exchange, headed out the front door towards Cordelia's car.
The rest of the drive back to Cordelia's house continued in quiet that seemed to press against Faith on all sides, heavy and unsettling; the drive was not entirely silent, as both girls spoke occasionally, commenting on Xander and Anya and whatever they could think to say about the Bronze, struggling to get the mood lightened and easy again as it had been before. But even as they made sarcastic remarks and teased each other, it seemed clearly an effort to Faith, and she could not shake the uncertain near anxiety that lingered in her, pressing itself against her heart.
It was just a dance. Just Cordy, just a dance…but somehow it had seemed to mean more than it should have, and she almost thought maybe it could be for Cordelia too.
They had left the Bronze much earlier than they had intended initially, and dusk was only just beginning to fall as they pulled up to Cordelia's front gate. Even before they had driven through, though, Faith could tell that something was wrong…very wrong, and she sat up straight, leaning forward in an effort to see better.
The gate to Cordelia's house was already open, for one thing, its control panel to the side hanging open as well. Clearly somebody had tampered with it, overriding the system. And even before they drove through Faith could see that there were two police cars on Cordelia's front lawn, as well as two other unmarked cars…and two large U-hauls, one which was open in the back, a ramp extending down to the ground, as two men carried a rather expensive looking couch up it, setting it inside.
Faith had seen enough forced evictions in her life to recognize this for what it looked like- hell, she had been on the receiving end of them several times, though two u-hauls and all the rest had never been required for just her and her mother. Still, she could not accept what her mind knew had to be the most logical explanation. This was Cordelia's family, not Faith's...this was the house of a man who owned half the town, not a shitty apartment whose residents hadn't paid rent. Somehow, this had to be a mistake…either Faith's interpretation of events, or the mistake of all the people on Cordy's lawn. But surely it wasn't what it looked like.
And from the expression on Cordelia's face, a mingling of shock, bewilderment, and most prominently, fury, the other girl certainly believed the same.
"What the hell?" she almost yelped as they came upon the open gates, her eyes nearly bulging, hands tightening around the steering wheel. "What the hell is this? What are they DOING, what are they doing to my HOUSE?"
She jerked the car through the gate so abruptly she almost hit it, then pulled the car into park, fumbling to open the door while still nearly stuttering in her incredulity at what she was seeing.
"What the- why are they HERE, what are they DOING? This is my HOUSE! They can't just- and they parked on the LAWN, they're tearing up all the grass!"
Without a backward glance at Faith she bolted out of the car, slamming her door behind her, and took off across the lawn towards her front door, still shouting as she went. Faith didn't hesitate to follow, easily catching up to Cordelia and staying at her elbow as Cordelia, seemingly oblivious to her presence, yelled in the midst of the vehicles on her lawn.
"What the hell are you all doing? Get off of my property- get off!"
Without waiting for a response, Cordelia darted up the front steps of her porch, Faith following close behind. "Miss, you can't go in there!" one of the cops nearby called out, but both girls ignored him, stopping only when they came to the front door…for there were two signs posted on it, one reading "No trespassing…" and the other was a notice for eviction.
Faith saw Cordelia's eyes scan over this, her cheeks paling slowly, and she drew in a sharp breath, her lips thinning. Faith's own stomach dropped, and she extended one hand towards her, but then Cordelia was shoving open the door and striding inside, and she let her hand drop, following her.
The door opened into a large lobby area, with a winding staircase, a large fireplace, and a dangling chandelier, a room that was undoubtedly grand and lavishly decorated in ordinary circumstances…but now it stood bare of all furnishings, and as both girls stared, temporarily rooted, two more men came through carrying a large elaborate bedframe that had been stripped of its mattress and sheets. Two men in suits, who had been standing talking to the side, turned towards them as they entered the room, and Cordelia's head whipped back and forth as she struggled to take in all of it, her eyes wide, mouth open for several seconds before she found her voice, drawing herself up to her full height as she almost yelled at them all.
"That is Mommy's bed! You can't take my mother's bed- what the hell is this, what is going ON?"
The men in suits came towards them then, and Faith stepped up impulsively to stand beside her, her own chin lifted as the men looked them both over, dismissed Faith as unimportant, and then focused on Cordelia as they replied with a polite but distant professionalism.
"Miss Chase- you are Cordelia Chase?"
"Yes, I am, and this is MY house," Cordelia snapped, her eyes shooting daggers in their direction where she stood rigidly, ignoring Faith nearby. "What the hell are you doing in it?"
"Miss Chase, I am Agent Edward Daniels, and this is Agent Robert Norton of Internal Revenue Services," the man on the right replied evenly, giving her a brief nod of greeting, but his expression was serious, business-like rather than friendly. "Your father, William Bradley Chase, has been found to have been embezzling from client accounts in his firm and has not reported it as his income. AS a result of the embezzlement and tax evasion, your home, property, and possessions must be seized in order to subsidize the amount owed."
Faith didn't need to look at Cordelia to know that her whole world had just come to a stop…and by extension, her own had been drastically altered as well.