My loyal meltagun hung in my hands, ready to burn a bitch. "What do you want?" I shouted without opening the door.
"Is the xeno with you?" a familiar German voice question. I looked at the eldar. I then looked right back at the thankfully closed door.
"Yeah." I heard footsteps from outside my door, and they became more and more distant. Well that was relatively harmless.
"Why did you grab your gun?"
"I don't like her," I pouted as I turned.
"You're a mon'keigh. You have nothing to fear."
"I still don't fucking like her." I unloaded the meltagun furiously. I messed up more than once.
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it-"
"Stop," I snapped.
"What? You're simply using that 'fuck' word a lot. I cannot tell if it's an action, a thing, or a description." All of the above.
I threw the melta canister in one corner, and the actual gun in the other. "Fuck you, that's what it is."
"Fuck you," she sassed before going back to her drawing.
"Why are you copying everything I say and do?"
"I am not," she said, focused on drawing. "I am simply adapting since I am a superior civilized being compared to you."
"Fancy talk doesn't mean superiority."
"Intelligence does, however." What a bitch.
"Bullshit."
"Case and point."
"I bet you think you're real 'superior' with your stupid cone head."
"It is not a cone."
"Looks like it right now." The eldar sighed, lifting her head from the paper. She laid the pen down of the table and put her hands on her helmet. My hand went instinctively towards my knife, ready to see if this was a weapon.
I have good news, and I have bad news. Good news: It wasn't a weapon! Bad news: She's an average looking brunette. Well, average by elf terms. Still sleek and 'beautiful' and whatnot that so many loving authors and movie producers describe them as. "How 'bout now?"
"Eh. You're a five out of ten." It took several moments for her to process what I said.
"Did you just call me average?"
"Compared to a human female? Yes."
"Great. Another stupid guy who thinks I'm average. Just what I needed," she sighed. She then laid her head on the desk.
"You are incredibly cordial for an eldar." She pointed a finger at me. Wait, no, she pointed her hand at me. Fist, actually. "What's that supposed to-" she then proceeded to flip me off. "Oh, you are an asshole."
"I studied a lot about you mon'keigh. I know things even you wouldn't know."
"Okay, what's the most famous news network of 2012?" Her head lifted, and she now looked at me, confused.
"What? That's not even… What?"
"Boom, gotcha, bitch. I win," I said while pointing my thumb at myself. "I know more about people than you do."
"That was a trick question!"
"You know what's also a trick question?" I asked, then quickly followed with, "Why did you study humans? What, is it a fetish?"
The eldar stared at me for a solid few seconds, her face actually looking upset. It was a funny look, to be honest. It smoothed out then faced the drawing once again. "That doesn't answer my question," I persisted.
"You're annoying," she quietly replied.
I laughed, happy that I won once again against 'my better'. "You're just mad 'cuz you want this," I jeered while pointing at my groin. To my surprise the eldar faced me.
"How'd you figure that out?" she said with a smile, sounding all too happy. "That's why I let myself get captured, really. I just want your primitive genitals."
"Is that sarcasm?"
"Of course not! Please, just come over here and let me have my wishes," she said in that cheery tone. Stay loyal, get sucked. This was an incredibly difficult decision. It also didn't help she was being sarcastic and was probably just going to smack me.
"Nah," I said, which actually surprised the eldar. "Well, actually…" Her face once again went to the little smile. "Nah."
"A pity," she deadpanned before going to the drawing.
I went back to laying on the bed. "I know when a chick is trying to hit on me."
"You figured out I just wanted to punch you? You're smart for a mon'keigh."
"Thanks. Now get the fuck back to whatever you were doing." Thus, the alien shut the fuck up. It's easy to forget that the eldar are, in fact, aliens, but all I needed to remind me was how bitchy this pissant was. Actually, I know a lot of bitchy humans. Still, fucking alien. Nobody likes them, and I've started to see why.
Christ, what was I gonna do? I got my orders from a scary animal to take care of this problem, and I'm not about to complain, even if I'm still upset. Well, upset isn't right. More like FUCKING LIVID. I can't argue with the captain because I'll die. I can't talk to Tzeentch or Kharn because I just destroyed my phone and Tzeentch is an asshole anyways. I can't have an enjoyable conversation because Clare's… She's gone. Thanks to the race the fuck in my room belongs to. I know better than to judge every member of a race from the actions of one. After all, that's human history, ain't it?
So what the fuck can I do? Can I talk to Dekaff? Well, no, I have to watch this alien. Can I talk to the xeno? No, I'll be burned for being a heretic. Can I not be so frustrated? Well, the eldar offered, but I can't take a trip to that one chick who flirted with me. Is this what grimdark is? You have nothing, get something, lose everything and can't do anything about it? Is that the thing with it?
I let out a frustrated groan and smashed my arm harmlessly on the bed. I just want to go home. It was shit, sure, but it was significantly less shit than this. And you wanna know the worst part about all this? I can't run from this situation! If I do, I die. If I stay in the situation, I have a higher likelihood of survival, don't ask me how that works.
"You having mon'keigh problems?" the one person I actually felt like killing said.
"No!" I shouted.
"You wanna talk about it?" she said, her voice full of fake concern. What a dick. I didn't even think a girl could be a dick, but hey, first time for everything!
"No," I said while shoving a pillow over my head. I could probably let out a few harsh words into the pillow to try and make myself feel better, but in the end, it would do nothing.
"You act like such a child," she said, not helping the situation.
"Wanna know why?"
"I think that fits under the category of 'talk about it', which, if I recall correctly, you distinctly said 'no' to," she replied. I looked up from the bed at the bitch who had a very casual smile on her face. "But do go ahead."
You think this is a game? For the past few hours, my swears have grown in appearance exponentially. That's a sign you should not play with me. "You ever have somebody who really cared for you? Somebody to talk to if you ever needed to?" She nodded. I rested my head back on the bed. "Imagine if that person was hit in the head by a sword in front of your very eyes."
"Did that happ-"
"And then roundhouse kicked in the face."
"I have a feeling-"
"And then you really, really needed somebody to talk to, but the only person you can talk to is a moron." Sorry Dekaff, but it's true.
"I imagine that-"
"And not only that, but even if you wanted to talk to this moron, you can't because you're supposed to be at a place, or you will die."
"This sounds surprisingly-"
"That's been my day up to this point."
"I gathered that."
"Good. You're pretty smart for an eldar."
"Thanks. Now I'm gonna get the fuck back to whatever I was doing."
Stop. Fucking. Copying me.
My door opened without the eldar getting up or me touching it. I looked up from my bed to see the captain with the bolter babe. The first person to speak was the captain, who commented, "Watching over the enemy well, I see."
I immediately stood up from my bed. "Yeah, they didn't uh… Nowhere to go, right? I was ready at any moment to totally-"
"I don't care enough," it interrupted, raising a hand and keeping its attention on the eldar.
"Okay," I resigned. I saw the captain and bolter babe walk over to the eldar, who was watching them warily, just as they had been doing.
The bolter babe began speaking. "What was your mission?"
"What'll happen if I do not answer?"
"You'll find out," Korak answered. I shivered at that answer.
"Will you keep me alive if I do answer?"
"Depends on whether you give the answer willingly," the bolter babe replied. Oh, what a shame, they're going to kill her. Boohoo. She looked back at me, then back at the captain.
"We were simply moving to support Craftworld Iyanden."
"And why would it need support?" bolter babe inquired.
"A Tyranid hive fleet is attempting to destroy it." Oh. Well, bye bye, Iyanden. What is that, some unmentioned minor faction of Eldar?
The two inquisitors (note: one was not actually an inquisitor) looked at each other. Bolter babe began, "First one to actually tell us."
"Last one alive, too," Korak said.
"Wait, I'm the last one!?" the eldar shouted, standing up.
"There were only nine," I said, surprising everyone that I was still there. It's my room, where am I gonna go?
Korak hmmm'd, then pointed at the eldar. "We can take an extra xeno. As much as it hurts my imperial heart, we can take you aboard as one of those… Corsairs."
The look she had was one of pure anger. For once, the 'perfect' composure this elf had had had been dispelled. "Corsair? Corsair?! I can't just turn my back on my craftworld!"
"Well, I don't think you have much of a choice, do you?" Korak pointed out.
"I need to get to the craftworld, or at least the shrine to let them know we need to send more! You can't just keep me aboard, you're putting my entire people at risk!"
"You're forgetting something. I am the rogue trader Korak Arachphro, inquisitor of the chosen Ordo Malleus. I can do as I please," it grabbed the eldar, who tried to get the hand off immediately, "And I want you on my crew." It brought the eldar right up to its face, staring directly into her face. Don't you love press ganging?
The eldar stopped fighting, probably terrified. I would be, too. I half wanted this eldar to kick the shit out of Korak. Would really put some sort of smile on my face. "I see I've convinced you," Korak had said darkly after a few moments of silence.
It took us a few awkward seconds before I asked, "So uh… You gonna put her down?"
As if on cue, Korak dropped her, then began with, "First, you'll need quarters. Now, we recently had an opening, so you'll be bunking with Joker here."
Oh no. Oh fuck you. I didn't like staying in the same room as that thing, and I sure as hell wouldn't want to share that room with it for the conceivable future. No. I refuse. "Fuck this," I said, throwing my arms up, walking on out of the room. I would not, and will not, abide staying with that eldar bitch. Not only is she annoying, every time I see that helmet, I think of a time where a sword, a half-shaved head, and the laspistol at my side were all in action. It was not a good time.
As I went storming out, I heard Korak saying rather loudly, "Don't worry, he'll get over it." Maybe when I'm dead.