"It's hopeless, the end will come and wash it all away

Forsaken, I live for those I lost along the way

And I can't remember how it all began to break

I suffer, I live to fight and die another day"

Fade Away – Breaking Benjamin

Joker had meant to tell her about Garrus. He really had.

But for the first few days, Shepard was awake for only brief periods of time. She was also, as Sabrina had predicted, in quite a bit of pain. Joker spent his time attempting to distract her and encouraging her to focus on the positive. Speaking of lost friends seemed contradictory to his goal.

As the days passed, Shepard grew stronger and more alert. She became more cognizant of her surroundings. And a simple truth began to emerge.

Shepard was a terrible patient.

Joker had been told that he was bad, but she was horrendous. It didn't matter that the doctors had removed enough of her internal organs so that she could potentially function as a human storage locker; it didn't matter that she was entering the third trimester of a pregnancy during which she'd done nothing but endanger the health and well-being of herself and their baby; and it certainly didn't seem to matter that she had nowhere to go, and nothing to do, since the galaxy seemed to be muddling along just fine without her, for a change – Shepard did not want to stay in the hospital.

Mildred, the disgruntled caregiver that Joker had tangled with on the first day, had entered the room exactly once before being so harangued by Shepard that she'd nearly been brought to tears before she'd fled. "I don't look so bad, now, do I?" Joker had inquired innocently as the beleaguered nurse had bolted from the room. Sabrina, to her credit, was entirely unflappable, and once Shepard had realized that no matter what she said or did, the woman was going to treat her with respectful deference, she gave up her campaign of terror. Against that enemy, at least. But by the end of the week, even Joker had had enough. He'd explained about the work he'd been doing, flying the shuttles, and Shepard had shooed him away, dismissively. He'd wasted no time making his escape. Yes, it was cowardly - but it was a cowardice Joker could live with. Being constantly eviscerated by Shepard's sharp tongue was another matter, entirely. As much as he loved her, Joker couldn't stand to spend another minute with her.

And so, perhaps not all that surprisingly, being the bearer of tragic news that he didn't really want to deliver in the first place fell by the wayside.

Jeff,

I was so happy to hear that Sam is awake and doing well. I can only imagine her discontent with being stuck in the hospital and I hope she'll be able to get out soon. That "blob," as you call it, looks like a beautiful baby girl, to me - and here's a holo of ours, as well. We're leaning toward the name Lucy…what do you think?

We're back on Tiptree. The destruction is even worse than we'd feared. But our home is still standing, miraculously. A lot of our neighbors weren't so lucky. Everyone is banding together and helping each other out, though. It's quite heart-warming to see. Restores your faith in human nature, you know?

I think of you often, little brother. Love you,

Jules

Word that Shepard had regained consciousness spread quickly amongst the crew. Jack came by to harass her about lazing around and letting the "dumbass pilot" get her pregnant.

"Now you're gonna be stuck with him forever," Jack informed her, rolling her eyes dramatically.

"I'm pretty sure that was gonna happen, anyway," Shepard retorted, dryly.

"Hey!" Joker interjected with indignation. "'Stuck with me?'"

"Until the ring was on your finger, there was still time to change your mind," the biotic told Shepard, sagely.

"Something that I'm sure any man crazy enough to get involved with you would be well aware of," Joker taunted Jack.

"Fuck you, asshole. Besides, I'm not stupid enough to become anybody's bitch." At Shepard's dark look, Jack quickly amended, "Not that you're anybody's bitch, either, of course."

"Of course. So, what are your plans now, Jack?"

Jack heaved a resigned sigh. "I gotta get back to my kids soon. A lot of them lost their families and are all alone now. I can't leave them hanging."

"I think it's great that you're looking out for them. They're lucky to have you."

Jack shrugged off the compliment. "So, when do I get to take Shep Junior for her first tattoo?"

Shepard looked at Joker. "Would you like to field that one?"

"Sure," Joker replied. Turning to Jack, he said, "The day you put my cold, dead body in the ground."

"Hmm. I think that's what they call 'two birds with one tattoo,'" Jack retorted with a crooked smile.

Joker arrived at the hospital after work one evening to find Vega and Cortez lounging around Shepard's room. They were perhaps the most regular visitors, since James came to the hospital almost every day for physical therapy. Joker wondered aloud about Cortez' motivation for unfailingly accompanying his friend on these visits.

"Are you worried about him getting to and from the hospital on the prosthesis?" Joker asked. The streets were still perilous in many places, so it was a reasonable assumption, but James snorted in derision.

"Yeah, right. Estaban here is not that good of a friend, Ace. He has a crush on my physical terrorist, Lance."

Cortez blushed but didn't deny it. "It's the accent, I think. It's so hard to resist a man with an accent."

Joker caught Shepard nodding in agreement until she spied him noticing, and stopped with a guilty grin.

Meanwhile, James continued, "Of course, the 80 year-old recovering stroke victim gets the pretty, blond therapist and I get Lance." He spat the name like it tasted bad on his tongue.

Cortez laughed. "Dude, if you ever fell on that little girl, you'd crush her with your body weight."

"I'd like to crush her with my body, if you know what I mean," James leered while Shepard rolled her eyes. James extended his fist to Joker, perhaps expecting some kind of hetero-male-bonding moment, but Joker abstained. First of all, he knew better to engage in that crap in front of Shepard. Second of all, he was pretty sure Vega could break his hand just by looking at it, never mind bumping it with his meaty fist.

"Glad to see that losing your leg hasn't slowed you down any, Vega," Joker observed.

"Are you kidding? This thing's a chick magnet, dude. I came back bigger and badder than ever. Only, no more combat duty for me. Turns out, you really can't have a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest," James chortled while the rest of them groaned.

"What?" the lieutenant said, incredulously. "No good? Well, shit. I've been working on that one for a while."

Slowly, in between visits from well-wishers, Shepard and Joker exchanged their individual versions of what had transpired since they'd last seen each other. Joker told her about the effect that the Crucible had had on EDI and the geth, and discovered that Shepard was not entirely shocked by this. From the information the Prothean VI, Vendetta, had shared, she'd gathered that the energy released by the Crucible would have repercussions for all synthetics, although she hadn't known to what extent. Still, Shepard expressed regret over the results, and concern over the fate of what remained of synthetic life. She shed silent tears over Anderson's death, and was disappointed to learn that she'd missed the services held in his honor.

Shepard's memories of the occurrences just prior to, and after, her arrival on the Citadel were muddled, at best. Initially, she'd reported that when she'd recovered her feet after the laser's strike, she'd seen James and Garrus, but had thought that they were dead. Subsequently, she said that she hadn't seen them at all because she'd been so focused on getting to the beam. She recounted running in to the Illusive Man on the Citadel, but seemed unsure if that encounter had ended with her shooting him, or with him committing suicide. She claimed to remember speaking to Joker, and his promise that he would come for her, but she didn't recall figuring out how to fire the Crucible, or making that a reality.

Concerned, Joker relayed these contradictions to the neurologist, but the doctor assured him that these kinds of memory lapses were common with head injuries. The doctors had determined that in addition to being struck by the laser, Shepard had been very close to an explosion that had caused the lacerations to her face and the burns on her arms. They reasoned that a concussion was the likely cause of the conflicting recollections. Only her short-term memory seemed to be affected, and there was no way to predict if it would improve over time.

Shepard asked repeatedly about Garrus, of course, but none of the rest of the crew had anything to tell her. The few times Joker had come close to broaching the topic when they were alone, they'd been interrupted by nurses or visitors, and he'd never gathered his courage for another try. Shepard was already miserable about being trapped in the hospital, and he knew that she was going to be devastated by the news. So, selfishly, he procrastinated. It was a choice he would come to deeply regret.

Jules,

Guess I'll have to take your word about the baby blobs. You've had more experience with this kind of thing than I have. I think Lucy is a great name.

They're moving Shepard out of ICU and into the maternity ward. Can't say that she's thrilled, but at least now she can get out of bed occasionally, if she feels up to it. They're monitoring the baby continuously since it's a "high-risk" pregnancy. Shepard spent the first 20 weeks of this kid's life running around getting shot at, so I don't know what's so high-risk about going outdoors, but then again, what the hell do I know?

Glad to hear that the colony is coming together and helping each other out. Things have been like that here on Earth, also. Right now, people seem to realize how lucky they are to still be alive. I can't help but wonder how long that will last? (Sorry, Sis, but I'm still a cynic at heart.)

Jeff

Shepard's hospital room was uncomfortably crowded. Daniels, Donnelly and Traynor had opted for a group visit, and James and Steve were in their usual spots. By the time Joker arrived, he was barely able to squeeze in the door. He gave her a quick kiss and perched on the edge of the bed.

"You're popular tonight."

"Yep."

Shepard didn't sound particularly pleased about it, and upon further inspection, Joker noticed that she looked a little pale. The stitches had been removed from her facial wounds, but the scars flared deep red against her fair skin, and the colors around her eye had faded to olive and puce.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah. Just tired. And I have a bit of a headache."

Donnelly and Vega were in the midst of an animated discussion about whether women found accents or false limbs more alluring, so Joker could understand the head pain. "I can kick these guys out, if you want?"

"Nah, they're fine for now."

The television was on in the corner, and suddenly, Daniels said, "Hey, guys! Shut up for a minute."

Diana Allers, the reporter that Shepard had refused to allow aboard the Normandy, was doing a segment on a news show regarding the ongoing research to repair the relays. It was the mention of Liara's name that had caught Gabby's attention.

"Dr. T'Soni is leading the research team at the Mars archive that is desperately searching for the information that will allow them to repair the relays and permit the aliens who joined in the war effort to return home. T'Soni was a member of Commander Shepard's crew, who, incidentally, is the person responsible for bringing the various races to the Sol system. Many credit Shepard with defeating the Reapers, although just as many question her methods and hold her accountable for the predicament our allies now face."

"Zorra," Vega swore at the screen.

"According to official reports, Commander Shepard has been hospitalized since the end of the war with injuries incurred during battle, although inside sources tell me that the commander is pregnant, as well. The father is assumed to be Flight Lieutenant Jeffrey Moreau, the pilot of the Normandy, and Shepard's alleged fiancé."

Joker and Shepard exchanged glances. Someone was obviously leaking information to the reporter – one of the nurses or doctors, most likely. So much for keeping their personal lives private.

"Although touted as a hero, millions of lives were lost here on Earth after Shepard fled the initial Reaper invasion to gather reinforcements from across the galaxy. And many brave soldiers under Shepard's direct command reportedly lost their lives, as well, including Alliance Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko; renowned salarian scientist Mordin Solus; and decorated turian officer Garrus Vakarian, who was by Shepard's side during the final military offensive in London."

At this last, an audible gasp shivered through the room. Heads twisted as their owners looked to the others for confirmation of what they'd just heard. Joker snuck a surreptitious glance at Shepard, who appeared stunned.

"She's got it wrong," Vega declared, finally. "She's reporting rumors. We would have heard something if Scars was really…" he trailed off, losing steam, as no one jumped in to agree with him.

"She was right about the rest of it," Gabby whispered, fearfully.

"No. James is right. The primarch would have let me know if it was true. He owes me," Shepard said, a bit desperately. "He never responded to your inquiries, right, Traynor?"

"No, ma'am," Traynor replied, firmly.

"Actually," Joker began, miserably, causing all attention to focus in his direction.

"What?" Shepard's gaze bore into him.

Joker took a deep breath. "The primarch came here, to the hospital, while you were still unconscious. He wanted to tell you personally that Garrus…" The words stuck in his throat as he withered under her stare. "The report was correct, Shep. He died during the approach to the beam."

Shepard was speechless, but Joker could see the sorrow and hurt wash over her. After a moment, Traynor asked the obvious question, "Joker, why didn't you tell anyone?"

Never looking away from Shepard's accusing eyes, he replied, "I wanted to be the one to tell Shepard, at the right time."

"Good job with that, amigo," James muttered.

"I never meant for you to find out this way," Joker continued. "I'm so sorry."

Shepard finally dropped her gaze, but not before the betrayed look on her face stabbed at his conscience. Gabby, always the sensitive one, said, "Maybe we should go for now, guys." The visitors filed silently from the room, but not without recriminating glances in Joker's direction. He knew that he was going to be the object of some unflattering speculation this evening. But for right now, he was more concerned with Shepard's reaction.

Once the others were gone, the silence stretched on until Joker finally pleaded, "Talk to me?"

When Shepard spoke, her voice was barely audible. "What exactly did the primarch say?"

"Not a lot. He said that Garrus had been KIA. That his remains would be sent to his family on Palaven. That he died a hero. Victus wanted to tell you, personally. Like you said, he felt that he owed you that much."

"I don't understand. He was right next to me! James survived, and so did I…"

"Barely," Joker reminded her, gently.

"But why?" Shepard demanded, raggedly. "Why not Garrus?"

"When we first got to the hospital, Chakwas told me the doctors thought the laser that struck you had been moving on a diagonal trajectory. It got James in the leg, and caught you across the middle. If Garrus was to your right…" Joker shrugged, helplessly. He knew he didn't need to spell it out for her.

Shepard stared down at her tightly clasped hands, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'd like to be alone now," she whispered.

"Shep…"

"Just go!" she barked, and then, perhaps to soften the demand, "Please."

Not wanting to leave things this way, but not desiring to upset her further, Joker said, "Okay. I'll go. Are you going to be all right?"

Shepard nodded, once.

"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow, then."

Shepard didn't respond to that, and she didn't look up as Joker made his way to the exit. He'd only taken two or three steps from the doorway when he heard her sobbing brokenly from within. His heart twisted and he hesitated, wanting to turn back, but eventually, he decided to respect her request and leave her to her grief and solitude. He departed with the burden of Shepard's pain and disappointment weighing heavily on his shoulders.