I appologize for the really long wait. Aside from final exam this was extremely hard to write. Each 100 words took me like two full hours to write because I spent so much time trying to find the right way for everything.

Chapter thirty seven: Death

Anzu stared at Kaiba, she was at a complete loss as to what she could possibly say. She knew nothing that would make things better. She did the only other thing she could think of: she hugged him. She knew that ten years later, such a gesture meant little, but she just didn't know what to do. She had lived a happy childhood, she had a loving family and was surrounded by friends, she never lacked of anything. She couldn't imagine the pain he had gone through nor how she could ever make it better. "I'm sorry." She whispered. She didn't even know exactly what for she was apologizing, maybe for not being there back then, or for not seeing the deepness of his suffering before now.

Despite everything, Kaiba couldn't help but smile lightly at Anzu's words. That was just so much like her, making apologies for things she had absolutely nothing to do with. Gently, he put his arms around her and pulled her closer to him. They stayed like that in silence for a few moments before Kaiba finally broke it. "Mokuba doesn't need to know about this..." He said. Despite his childish manner and innocent front, his brother already knew way more than he should. He did not want him to know exactly how much he had suffered, nor that he had actually tried to abandon him in such a way.

Kaiba continued. "Every day, I woke up sore from the beating of the day before, I had classes all day with personal tutors while Gozaburo was at work. When he came back at the end of the day, he would verify my progress. It was never enough, he was never satisfied no matter how hard I worked. Then he'd give me his own personal lesson... Everyday, all day long, I feared the time Gozaburo would come back home. That day...wasn't really special in any way. Nothing worst than usual had happened. I couldn't tell you why that day and not the one before or after. But on that morning, something snapped and I just couldn't go on anymore. I went to Roland...I knew he was different from everyone else, he cared."

"In a way I guess I trusted him... He had always been kind to me. I...begged him to help me, to get me out of there... to do something...anything."

"But he didn't..." Anzu finished for him. The bodyguard had admitted to that much on his own. "He was afraid." Anzu said, trying her best to defend him. "For his family." She knew it probably was of little comfort to Kaiba but it was the truth. She knew how much it had affected Roland.

"I know." Kaiba cut her off. "I've known all along, even back then. Deep down I always knew he couldn't help me, but it hurt nonetheless. As foolish as it had been, he was the last hope I had to cling to. After he turned me down...I found myself facing years of torture. I...I couldn't do it. I had nothing to go on and I didn't care anymore. I didn't even think about Mokuba and how he might suffer. I didn't have it in me to care about him anymore. In the evening, I broke the mirror in my bathroom and used a piece of it to cut open my wrists..." Anzu was surprised and a little worried when she saw a smile of Kaiba's face. "That small moment, just before I lost consciousness, I was at peace. For the first time in years I felt no pain and I was free. I was happier than I had ever been before...or since..."

"But you didn't die..." Anzu said. "What happened?"

Kaiba frowned. "A maid heard the noise... You can't even begin to imagine the utter despair I felt when I woke up and realized I was still alive." Kaiba snorted as he leaned his head back against the wall. "For a fleeting moment, I had the stupid childish hope that someone, one of the paramedics, a nurse or a doctor would blow a whistle after seeing a twelve years old covered in bruise trying to kill himself. The evening after I woke up, he came to see me in the hospital. He hurt me, in a hospital...No one came to stop him, despite my yelling. The bastard said I was nothing but an ungrateful brat to thanks him like this after everything he did for me, he even made me apologize. He said...that I belonged to him and that only he had a right to decide on my life."

"The next morning, everyone, including the doctor and the nurses, all pretended not to see the fresh bruise on my body. They all knew, I could see the pity in their eyes, but none of them did anything. That's when I knew, no one was ever going to help me and I had missed the only chance I would ever get to end it all. I think whatever was left of the kid I once was died that day. I had nothing to live for, I didn't even want to be alive anymore but there was no way out. Afterward, I became detached from everything, I lost the ability to feel anything. I felt nothing anymore, neither fear, anger, hope, empathy...nothing. I became what Gozaburo wanted me to be, there was no point in fighting him anyway. Of course the change pleased Gozaburo. Feelings like trust, love or empathy were only obstacles and weaknesses for him. He didn't go any easier on me, still life became easier in a way."

"But...I didn't actually felt nothing, I just bottled up everything because to survive I couldn't afford to feel them, and quickly it became too much. That's when I started to lose it. It started only as nightmares, as if all my pain, anger and fear was leaking out when I was sleeping... One morning, when a maid tried to wake me up, I attacked her. There were a few other incidents like that. Then nightmares turned into daydreams. I started having black outs instead. At first they only lasted a moment, I'd snap out of it to find some piece of furniture broken on the ground. Sometimes I'd even hurt people. It is known that people who suffer violence often hurt become violent themselves. Passing on my pain on someone else was extremely satisfying, especially since I considered them responsible at some degree for my situation."

"Eventually, there were too many incidents for Gozaburo to ignore it so he had to call in a doctor before I could do something he wouldn't be able to quickly cover up. Basically he diagnosed me with psychosis associated with borderline psychopathic behaviour and a bunch of other things. I never actually heard the details nor cared much. Plain and simple Gozaburo's methods were taking their toll on my mind. I was put on medication, it helped with the outburst. But it didn't help with my general mental state. By that point, I was already pretty messed up. Of, Gozaburo saw this as a weakness on my part. He didn't slack on his 'training' methods, so I didn't improve with time... You've seen that first hand."

Kaiba hesitated for a few moments. Anzu could feel his uncertainty as he was thinking about how to continue. "Gozaburo's death made me, a very mentally deranged 15 years old, one of the most powerful man of the country. I know it may sound strange to you, but back then, I'd almost say that I was happy during those times. I was so far gone that I could barely feel anything anymore. I felt no attachment to anything nor anyone, didn't fear anything, felt no pity, empathy, love, guilt or anything like that. Life was like a game to me, I toyed with people's life for my own amusement."

"Then I met you and your friends." Kaiba continued. "I do wonder some times exactly what Yugi did to me. It felt as if my mind was reset. But, things didn't change. After all this time, I was unable to open up to people, or to even understand my own feelings... Old memories of my childhood that I thought I had forgotten have been haunting me again. I felt so much anger, toward the entire world for letting me down. From the first day, I think I've been slowly sinking again... Surviving all of this, I've never felt even once that it was worth it. But lately, with you...it goes against everything that has been beaten into me for years...against everything life taught me. It's absolutely terrifying but...with you... I've been having lots of nightmares lately. Some about you, some about him. Each about how all this would only hurt me more no matter what. With everything that happened lately. But I just couldn't give you up now... I guess it was just too much."

"I don't really have much of an answer for why it happened. I can't say if it will happen or not, if I'll get better or not. I have absolutely no idea... I might hurt you again...and next time there's no saying what will happen. I don't want to hurt you. I'm dangerous, Anzu. Even on a good day I'm still a borderline psychopath, I could hurt you at anytime just because I feel like it. You shouldn't stay with me." He said. However, Anzu didn't miss how his hold on her tightened slightly as he said the last part.

"I trust you." She said as she raised her head and kissed him on the cheek. "I told you, we'll find a way to make this work... I'll probably hurt you too eventually. It's a part of life. But when that happens, you just have to get up again and keep going." She laid back against him, thinking about everything she had learned. She had always known that Kaiba's step dad had been a monster. But she had never suspected just how deep it went. She was unsure of what would happened next. But there was one thing she knew for sure: she cared deeply for Kaiba and wouldn't abandon him like the rest of the world had. She knew that deep down he was a good person. She had seen it. She only hoped that one day he'd finally be happy and feel like his life had been worth living.