Note: Sorry for the delay, people. There is so much going on in our personal lives right now that writing seems to be pushed to the back burner all the time. With the sad news that Major Crimes is ending, we really wanted to update so here is chapter 35. We hope you all enjoy!
Chapter 35
When Wednesday rolled around Sharon found herself surrounded by the usual intensity that came with a double homicide on top of the case they'd scored before the weekend and the fact Tao was due in court for most of the day. With him gone and Andy's desk still empty Sharon found that her resources were stretched thin resulting in her accompanying Julio as he went to talk to some possible witnesses.
Being away from the office felt like a relief. At least in the car driving down the streets of Los Angeles with the window rolled down and the breeze in her hair, Sharon felt like she could finally breathe. Every so often she would catch Julio looking her way. She knew he knew her mind was elsewhere and she was ready for him to ask questions but he remained quiet. That was the kind of man he was. He would sit and observe her for as long as he had to without saying a word, silently inviting her to eventually break her own silence and talk to him. Underneath the hard exterior, Julio Sanchez had a heart of gold and Sharon treasured it.
The possible witness turned out to be their most solid lead in their current case and when she and Julio got back in the car after leaving the small apartment in one of Los Angeles' more shady neighbourhoods, Sharon leaned back in her seat and let out a sigh. It was enough to alarm Julio and for him to break his silence.
"Is everything alright, ma'am?" he asked and Sharon detected the concern in his voice. When she turned to look at him she saw how his dark brown eyes were searching her face. She wondered for a moment if he felt the same desire to take a shower she did after visiting the dingy apartment. She could still smell the stale scent of mould. It clung to her clothes, her hair and her skin. She felt dirty.
"I have been thinking about Lieutenant Flynn's replacement," she confessed and Julio gave an understanding nod. Sharon suspected it had been the subject conversation both inside and outside the Murder Room too. "On days like today I am reminded we really are a detective short and I should talk to Chief Taylor about finding someone else to join Major Crimes."
"Anyone in particular?" Julio wanted to know.
Sharon shook her head. "As far as I'm aware there isn't anyone looking for a transfer but I could be wrong. In fact I know there is an opening in Vice that needs filling too so I don't know if there are any suitable candidates. What kind of person do you think the team would benefit from most?"
Julio thought about that question for a few moments. "Someone strong and determined. Reliable." He briefly made eye contact with Sharon and she understood that he didn't think Andy had been very reliable because of what he had done. "I'm sure you'll find the right person, ma'am."
He looked away and Sharon sensed there was something else he wanted to say. He hadn't turned the car's ignition and they were still parked in front of the no doubt insect infested apartment. "Is there something else, Julio?"
"I have been…" He seemed to hesitate and for a moment Sharon thought he was going to change his mind about talking to her. "I have been considering becoming a foster parent."
This didn't come as a complete surprise to Sharon. Though it was easy to think Julio wasn't the kind of man who'd be good with kids, she had seen the opposite to be true. And the tragedy that had struck him years ago had left its mark which was most likely the reason he had not investigated this avenue before. She watched him for a moment longer, saw the way his eyes shimmered with hope.
"I met with them last week to start the process and they've done most of the backgrounds checks and everything but they want to talk to you," he concluded. "No doubt this has something to do with some of the things in my file."
Sharon smiled. It was her most sincere smile in days and she felt the rush of happiness course through her. "Of course," she answered. "Anytime, Julio. Have them call me and I'll meet with them. I will tell them exactly what kind of man you are and that they don't have to worry about any past indiscretions. If there's anything I can do to help to make this happen for you then I will."
"Do you think Lieutenant Provenza will too?" he asked.
The noisy crackling of the police scanner interrupted them for a moment as dispatch called for local units to report to a robbery on the other side of town. Sharon reached for the volume button and turned it down before looking at Julio. He was watching her.
"Without a doubt," she reassured him. "And so will anyone else within the department, Julio." She reached to put a hand on his arm and held his gaze. "I think this is a wonderful thing and you will make an amazing foster parent to a child in the near future. Any child will be lucky to have you."
"Thank you, ma'am," Julio answered and he turned the ignition. The car's engine roared to life and he pulled away from the kerb. Sharon looked over her shoulder as the apartment building grew smaller in the distance. She then slid her hand in her pocket and pulled out her phone to check her messages. Even now she still looked for Brenda's name despite knowing she wouldn't see it. No missed calls either. The screen was empty.
They drove back to Parker Centre and Julio parked the car in the underground parking lot. Once back in the Murder Room he went to work at reorganising some of the information on the board and Sharon caught up with Amy who had spent the morning down in the morgue with Doctor Morales and then answered the phone to Mike Tao who told her court had been adjourned and he would be back soon.
Half an hour later he walked into the Murder Room followed by Andrea Hobbs. Judging from the look of thunder on the blonde DDA's face, Sharon suspected that their morning had not been as productive as hers and she invited Andrea into her office to allow the woman to blow off some steam. When Andrea slammed the door a little too hard, Sharon jumped.
"Sorry," Andrea grumbled as she sank down in one of the chairs and dropped her bag at her feet.
"Dare I even ask?" Sharon asked as she circled her desk and went to sit down.
"The defence is trying to discredit the chain of evidence and is claiming evidence could be tainted. Court is adjourned until it has been established the proper procedures were followed," Andrea groaned. "That asshole is just stalling because he knows he can't win."
Sharon wasn't used to hearing Andrea swear and she arched an eyebrow. "The Meyer case, right?"
"Yes. The son of a bitch who killed his wife and his daughter and claims an intruder did it," Andrea replied. "He sits there behind that desk with a satisfied smirk on his face and I'd just love to…" She pulled a face. "I'd love to smack him and wipe that smile off his face."
"I know the feeling," Sharon admitted. "But you know the right procedures were followed so he will get what's coming to him." She glanced through the blinds at the scene in the Murder Room. Amy was on the phone and seemed excited about something. Provenza was making notes and she silently hoped that one their cases was now close to coming to an end.
"Sharon?" Andrea's voice lured her back into the moment and she looked up.
"Yes?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"When have you ever asked me if you could ask me something?" Sharon smirked. "You always just do it."
"This is… personal. Well, somewhat, anyway," Andrea said and she shifted a little uncomfortably in her chair before folding her hands in her lap.
Sharon's eyes narrowed. "What's going on?"
"It's about Brenda."
Sharon tried not to flinch at the mention of the blonde woman's name but her nails dug into the palms of her hands underneath her desk. The pain was sharp but short lived. "Oh God, what has she done now?"
"Nothing like that," Andrea quickly said but then added, "But I think something's wrong."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know. The last three days or so she seems to be on edge. She's snappy. Comes in early, stays late. I've never seen so many empty coffee cups or Ding Dong wrappers on her desk. She seems agitated about something and this morning before going to court I heard her yelling at an intern." Andrea's blue eyes fixed on Sharon. "I know you and her are close and I was just wondering if there's something I should be aware of?"
Sharon took a deep breath and forced herself to relax. She could feel the tension in her shoulders and her neck. She knew the state Andrea described Brenda to be in all too well, having seen her in that state herself more than once during the time Sharon audited Major Crimes. She had tried not to think about how Brenda was feeling about all of this. She could barely cope with her own thoughts, she didn't have room for Brenda's pain as well.
Brenda had kissed her. She could only assume she had done it because she had some kind of feelings for her and Sharon didn't know how to handle that knowledge. She didn't even know what to do with the feelings and emotions that coursed through her own body the second Brenda crossed her mind and the more she thought about it, the more she realised she missed her. She missed talking to her, she missed being with Brenda the way she had always done. She missed having her in her life and that knowledge was confusing.
"Could it be that she's just got a lot on at the moment?" Sharon tried but she could tell Andrea wasn't buying it.
"It feels like it's more than that. The last time I saw her like this was when she sunk her teeth into Stroh. I didn't think I'd ever see that look again. Do you know if her father's alright?"
"As far as I'm aware, yes. I…" Sharon hesitated. "I haven't spoken to her for a few days but I could check in with her if you like? See what's going on?"
Andrea shook her head. "No, it's alright. I just wanted to mention it to you because I know you two are friends. You know, just in case you weren't aware. I'm a little worried about her. She looks like she hasn't slept in days." She scrutinized Sharon a little closer. "Same could be said for you."
"Thanks," Sharon dryly answered. "You'd be short on sleep too if you were down a detective and had two cases on your desk."
Andrea arched an eyebrow at that comment. "I have five on my desk."
Sharon forced herself to smile because she knew the DDA was right. "Shut up."
Andrea grinned too and then she changed the subject. "Hey, isn't it Rusty's birthday this weekend?" Sharon nodded. "What's happening?"
"Ricky and Emily are flying in on Friday and then we'll just have a party at the condo, I think." Her mind briefly drifted to the trip to DC she had promised Rusty which was now no longer happening. Everything had changed. "Are you coming?"
Andrea nodded. "Sure. What does the kid want? Do I buy him a present?"
"I barely managed to get him anything myself. He's so difficult to buy for. Just give him money, then he can decide for himself," Sharon answered and watched as Andrea stood up and started for the door. "Andrea?" The DDA turned around. "Thanks for telling me about Brenda."
Andrea just smiled and then left the office, closing the door behind her. Sharon leaned back in her seat and ran her hands through her hair before her eyes drifted to the phone on her desk. She knew the number would come up as withheld if she called from that handset and with a thumping heart she picked up the receiver, held it between her ear and shoulder and scrolled through her cell phone for Brenda's number. She pressed the digits and waited. It rang once, twice and then a third time before being redirected to voicemail.
"Hello, you have reached the voicemail of Brenda Leigh Johnson. I am not available to take your call right now but please leave a message and I'll call you back as soon as possible."
Sharon only realised she was crying at the sound of Brenda's voice when she slammed the receiver back down and noticed the wet stain on the file in front of her.
She pushed herself out of her chair and strode out of her office with quick, brisk steps and joined Provenza and Amy by the Murder Board. The Lieutenant turned around and Sharon could tell from the look on his face that there was a breakthrough.
"Talk to me," she encouraged him and Provenza began piecing the evidence together until it formed a picture that was so clear, it couldn't be denied. Sharon nodded and looked at Amy and then Julio.
"Go pick them up."
"Yes, ma'am," Julio answered and he grabbed his gun and jacket and Amy followed suit. Sharon watched them leave before casting a quick glance at Andy's empty desk. It left a strange and bitter aftertaste in her mouth. When she turned around she found Provenza looking at her.
"Found anyone yet?"
She shook her head. "I'll go see Chief Taylor later today."
"You know we could manage a little while longer if we had to." It was an attempt to reassure her, an attempt to remove the pressure she was feeling, and Sharon appreciated Provenza for it. He knew better than anyone what it felt like to work when they were shorthanded. She flashed him a smile.
"I know, Lieutenant, but I owe it to all of you to have this group of detectives running smoothly. Besides, Chief Taylor will be breathing down my neck about all of this soon enough anyway. Either I find someone or he does and I'd rather have some kind of say in who he brings into this department."
"Kind of like how we had a say when they brought you in?" Provenza affectionately joked. "That worked out fine in the end, didn't it?"
"Yes, Lieutenant," Sharon smiled. "It did."
She heaved a sigh and then excused herself before exiting the Murder Room and walking down the hall towards the ladies toilets. She made sure she was alone before pulling out her cell phone and scrolling through the contacts, eventually choosing one. She brought the phone to her ear and grabbed hold of the cold marble of the basin, letting its coolness course through her fingers.
"Hi, this is Captain Sharon Raydor. I would like to make an appointment with Doctor McCrory please, as soon as possible?" There was a moment's pause in which Sharon could feel her heartbeat pound in her ears. She held the phone a little tighter as her hands grew clammy. "Tomorrow? Yes, that would be fine. Thank you."
Sharon's hands shook a little as she ended the call and turned to look at herself in the mirror. The reflection staring back at her was exactly as Andrea had described Brenda to be. Restless looking with pale skin and dark circles around her eyes. The lack of sleep was catching up with her and Sharon recognised the nagging sensation of tiredness in her muscles. The longer she stared at herself the harder it became to recognise the woman in the reflection and Sharon let out a quiet sob.
She returned to the Murder Room a few minutes later and waited for an update from Julio and Amy. When they did eventually call, things happened fast and Sharon found herself sitting in front of the small TV screens listening to the suspect's full confession. A sense of relief that they would be closing at least one case today felt good and she scribbled some notes in the casefile as she listened to the interview.
By the time she left the Murder Room that night it was almost eight o'clock and she hadn't had dinner. Sharon's stomach growled loudly by the time she pulled up in the condo's parking lot at eight forty and when she walked in she was relieved to find Rusty had cooked dinner and had put a plate for her in the microwave. He greeted her in the kitchen just as she was heating up the food and poured herself a small glass of wine.
"You're home late."
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Sharon grinned. "How was your day?"
"Better than yours, I suspect." Rusty took in his mother's tired appearance. Her hair looked sleek and thin, her shirt was wrinkled and there was a stain on her pants. In the dim light of the kitchen Sharon looked like she had aged ten years in just a day and the dark rings around her eyes were somewhat scary. It reminded him of how he had seen Brenda the previous night and something sharp stung in his chest. Hurt. Guilt.
"You look like you've had a rough ride."
"It's been a long day," Sharon said and at that moment the microwave pinged and she removed the plate, took a fork from the drawer and went to sit at the table. Rusty followed and put the wine glass down next to her plate before taking a seat too.
"Can I ask you something, Mom?"
Sharon swallowed the mouthful of pasta and looked at Rusty. "Sure."
"You know when I told you that I was gay, you said you already knew." He looked down at the table and Sharon waited for the rest of the question to follow even though she had a feeling she knew where he was going with this. "How did you know? I mean, I never said anything to you like that before."
Sharon put down her fork and took a small sip from her wine. "Honey, I don't know if I have a black and white answer for you. Somehow I just knew. Call it a mother's intuition." She wasn't going to say she'd made the assumption after finding out he went with men to Griffith Park. People did all sorts of things for money. But somehow she had known with Rusty but it had always just been part of who he was, not something she felt the need to specifically highlight.
"I was just talking to some of my friends in class today. One of the girls is gay too and she was telling me that she had this giant revelation moment when she was like fifteen or something." Rusty looked up and briefly made eye contact but it was only fleeting. "I don't think I ever had that. For me it was always just about…"
"Survival?" Sharon finished his sentence. "And something you had to hide?"
"It was something I knew yet didn't know." Rusty looked up again and this time he held his mother's gaze for longer. "Like, I was aware of it but yet I wasn't and I didn't want to put a name to it. Or a meaning. Do you know what I mean?"
Sharon let her son's words sink in for a couple of moments before picking up her glass and taking a much larger sip this time. "Rusty, why are you asking about this now? Is everything alright with you and Gus?"
"Gus and I are fine," Rusty quickly answered. "I was just wondering… Something happened between you and Brenda, didn't it?"
"Rusty…" Sharon pushed her chair away from the table. The hunger she had initially felt was long gone. Now she just wanted to get away from this conversation as fast as possible. "I don't want to talk about it. This has nothing to do with you."
"Mom! I think you should listen to me and it has everything to do with me. I can see you're hurting and I just want to… I want to be there for you, like you have always been there for me. It's Wednesday. Brenda hasn't called or been here all week. Not since Saturday, you said. She practically lived here and now she's gone. Something happened. Something has changed."
Right in that moment Sharon hated the fact Rusty was such a sensitive kid because he was right about everything he had said. He noticed the little things. Sometimes he could get a little lost in his world but he was also the kind of kid who wanted to please the people around him, a little bit of the damage left over from his time on the street, and Sharon knew that was what he was trying to do now. He was trying to take away her pain in the only way he knew how; by approaching her the same way she had always approached him.
"This is something between Brenda and I, Rusty. I understand you're worried and concerned. I know Brenda is your friend too and just know that I would never do anything to stop you seeing her."
"So you're saying you won't see her again?" He looked at her with a deer caught in headlights look. "Because I don't want to believe that."
"I'm saying that it's complicated," Sharon answered. She felt restless and unnerved. This wasn't what she wanted or needed right now and to have this conversation with her son… She just wanted it to go away.
"You know, I didn't realise I was in love with Gus at first," Rusty said and Sharon shook her head before raising her hand and stopping him before he could say anything else. He was edging too close and she couldn't handle him talking to her like this. It was clear that he too had figured out there was more to all of this but she wasn't ready to share anything like this with him yet. Not when she wasn't even ready to share it with herself.
"Rusty, that's enough. I am not having this conversation with you. I am not talking to you about Brenda."
"You talked to me about Jack and Andy. About what your marriage to Jack was like. You talked to me about Andy and how nervous you were. Why won't you talk to me about Brenda?"
The tears in her eyes came without warning. "Because I can't!"
"Why?" Rusty pressed on, causing Sharon to have to force herself from yelling at him.
Instead she picked up her plate, carried it to kitchen and emptied it into the trash. Rusty followed her and she knew he wanted to say something else.
She couldn't turn around and look at him because she knew he would see the hurt and confusion in her face. He had spoken the very words she had been trying to deny to herself out loud and now there was nothing either of them could do to take it back. It was out there, her secret spilled, but Sharon couldn't face the truth.
"Mom…" Rusty tried and she knew he was about to apologise for everything he had said.
He was about to apologise for the truth. Her truth.
She was in love with Brenda.
And it was soul destroying and earth shattering to realise. Terrifying. And she would do anything in the world if it meant that she didn't have to think about it or accept it. Because there was nothing she could do with these feelings, nowhere it would lead. All they had caused her was hurt and pain.
"Mom, please…" Rusty tried again. "I'm…"
"Don't," Sharon muttered, her voice too constricted with tears to sound strong or clear. The tears slid down her cheek and she furiously wiped them away. She couldn't identify the hurt in her chest or the sickening feeling in her stomach. All she felt was the overwhelming urge to cry.
Rusty approached close enough to see the tears and Sharon heard him gasp. Despite everything in recent weeks and the fact he had seen her cry more than once, the sight of her tears still shocked him. He stood nailed to the floor, unable to take his eyes off his mother and the harsh reality of what he and Gus had talked about hit him.
Gus had been right. His mother was in love with Brenda.
"Don't say a word," Sharon said and there was a hint of venom in her voice as she composed herself just enough to push past her son and fled out of the kitchen down the hall to the bedroom. She slammed her bedroom door a little harder than she normally would.
In the safe darkness of her bedroom, Sharon took a deep breath. She was shaking and she clenched and then relaxed her fists in an attempt to regain some control. Her legs felt weak as she staggered across the bedroom towards the bathroom. Her fingers still trembled as she undressed, left the clothes in a pile on the floor and stepped into the shower.
The hot water pounded down on her shoulders and the drops laced with her tears so it was impossible to tell where one began and the other ended. She stayed under the comforting flow of water for what felt like an eternity and her skin was a deep shade of pink when she eventually wrapped herself up in a towel and padded back into the bedroom. She put on her pyjamas, pulled back the sheets and, with her hair still wet, Sharon crawled into bed.
She rolled onto her side and picked up her phone. It had been days since she'd last received a text message from Brenda and for what felt like the one hundredth time that week she scrolled back through their exchanged messages, remembering the times where they would randomly text each other. It was a time where they had both been happy. It felt like a lifetime ago now.
The thought of being in love with Brenda was terrifying. She didn't want to think of what it meant. She didn't even want to think about how it had happened but she could no longer deny that it was true. All that happiness she had felt, the ease with which she had allowed Brenda into her life and how easily the blonde had torn down her walls just by being a constant presence… It was scary to realise someone had walked into her life and had found their place so easily. Because it felt as if Brenda truly had found her place. In a lot of ways she couldn't imagine life without her anymore but at the same time, the thought of a life with Brenda was just as scary. What the hell was she supposed to do with this?
What did this mean? She had never fallen in love with a woman before. The thought had never even crossed her mind, not even in all those years after Jack when she would have understood if it had happened. But something had drawn her to Brenda even from the first moment they met and what had once been loathing had turned into something else now and Sharon realised, in the darkness of her bedroom, that she really did love Brenda.
And it terrified her.
Sharon hesitantly typed the words "I miss you" but deleted the message moments later without sending it, before putting the phone down again. She rolled onto her back, folded her hands under her head and stared up at the dark ceiling, silently praying sleep would come soon. But instead of sleep, the tears came.
On the other side of the door, his back against the wall and his knees pulled up to his chest, feeling further away from Sharon than he ever had before, Rusty silently and helplessly listened as his mother cried herself to sleep.