My name is Barry Allen. And I am the fastest man alive. To the outside world I am an ordinary forensic scientist, but secretly with the help of my friends at S.T.A.R. Labs I fight crime and find other metahumans like me. I hunted down the man who killed my mother, but in doing so I opened up our world to new threats, and I am the only one fast enough to stop them. I am the Flash.

The Man Who Saved Central City [2.01][edit]

Iris: Yeah, but he should go. Someone should try to get through to him.

Joe: Maybe his best friend?

Cisco: Joe, believe me. I have tried!

Joe: I meant her.

Cisco: You expecting trouble?

Joe: Cops always expect trouble. In this city, I expect super evil flying monsters.

Cisco: That's a solid expectation.

Iris: If you keep getting no for an ANSWER, stop asking questions.

Joe: I say that! You're quoting "me" to me?

Iris: What can I say? You're a very smart man.

Stein: That's where you'll find your Atom Smasher!

[Iris and Cisco LOOK at Stein]

Stein: Because he absorbs atomic power. And he... well... smashes.

Cisco: Come here. [Hugs Dr. Stein] That's a great name. Welcome to the team.

Henry: Do you think... can you be all that you are becoming with me HERE?

Barry: You're the only family I have left.

Henry: Well, that's not really true. Don't you have another family in this room? They need your help, too, Barry. When you need me, I will be here. But right now Central City doesn't need you to be Henry Allen's son, it needs you to be The Flash. My Kid, the superhero. I have to go. I need you to tell me that it's OK.

Flash of Two Worlds [2.02][edit]

Jay Garrick: They belong to a metahuman I fought before named Sand Demon.

Cisco: I know you're new here, so I'm just gonna break it down for you. The whole "naming-the-bad-guys" thing? That's my jam. But you know what? I'm gonna let you have that one. Because I ACTUALLY kinda like it. I'm not mad at that one.

Barry: How's it going with Joe? Any closer to cracking his "No" code?

Officer Patty Spivot: Are you kidding me? He's like the permission sphinx. Or like a magic 8-ball with just one ANSWER. Or like, you know, the bridge-keeper protecting the Holy Grail...

Barry: [mimicking the gatekeeper from the movie] What is your quest?

Patty: [mimicking Sir Lancelot] Oh, to join your task force.

Barry: No.

Barry and Patty: Aaaaaah!

Iris: Not everyone is Harrison Wells. Besides, you defeated him because you trusted in people, because you believed in them. This team that you have here? They will follow your lead. They will do what you say. But if they think that you don't believe in them, it won't be long before they don't believe in you.

Cisco: SOMETHING'S happening to me. I'm starting to perceive things. Horrible things. It started after Wells killed me in the other timeline. It came back when Atom-Smasher attacked on Flash Day and then again when Sand Demon showed up. I get a vibe and then a vision of something that's already happened... and then it's gone.

Jay: So, I hear they call you the Scarlet Speedster.

Barry: Yeah. What about you?

Jay: Crimson Comet. What is it with alliteration and nicknames?

Family of Rogues [2.03][edit]

Jay: It's good to know, whatever Earth you go to, there's a Big BELLY Burger.

Caitlin: Being a superhero isn't always about how fast you can run. It's about helping however you can, wherever you're needed most. I think Jay Garrick, physicist, has just as much to contribute as Jay Garrick, superhero. Maybe more.

Caitlin: You and your entire family are criminals. Why should we trust anything you say?

Lisa: [reveals scar] I didn't get this scar being a criminal... I got it being a daughter.

Joe: When I still a beat cop, me and my partner were on patrol, and dispatch came on the radio. A little girl had called in. She said her mom had taken some pills and she wouldn't wake up. The little girl gave the address. The address was mine.

[Snart shoots his father with the cold gun]

Barry: Lisa was safe. Why did you do that?

Snart: He broke my sister's heart. Only fair I break his.

The Fury of Firestorm [2.04][edit]

Barry: Everyone secretly thinks they've figured out what their life is gonna be like. But what no one ever considers is that life has its own plans for you, whether you like them or not. And so you're left with a choice. You can either embrace the change and move forward. Or fight it and be left behind.

Cisco: [about finding someone to merge with Stein] So how do we do that? Are we gonna make a Tinder app for potential meta-humans? Because I'm pretty sure merging with Stein and randomly bursting into flames sounds like the biggest swipe left of all times.

Stein: Well, I must admit I never imagined the Sphinx's riddle of a man requiring three legs would ever apply to me, but if this device keeps me mobile then I will gratefully oblige.

Joe: You've known Iris since you were 10. You've been in love with her since forever. I mean you two are friends now, but she was your first love. You're never gonna feel the same about anybody else. But you can't let that stop you from exploring something new.

Barry: Things aren't always what they seem. Our fears can play tricks on us, making us afraid to change course. Afraid to move on. But usually hidden behind our fears are second chances, waiting to be seized. Second chances at life. At glory. At family. At love. And these opportunities don't come around every day. So when they do we have to be brave, take a chance and grab them while we can.

The Darkness and the Light [2.05][edit]

Wells: Her name is Doctor Light. Small-time thief on my Earth until exposure to the dark matter from the Particle Accelerator and became a meta-human with the ability to derive power from starlight.

Cisco: Oh, very cool.

Wells: Stars having a temperature of 5,300 degree Kelvin and a blinding luminosity, I would say, "Not very cool at all."

Cisco: You know, our Dr. Wells may have been evil, but you're just a dick.

Joe: How is he still alive? How are you still alive?

Wells: I don't know, because you missed?

Barry: Hey, I'm trying to keep him from shooting you. You're not helping.

Wells: You cannot reason with someone under Zoom's influence, and now a man is dead because of you, Garrick. This whole thing is because of you. He doubts himself because of you, but believe me, Barry can do what you could not. Barry can stop Zoom.

Jay: I spent two years hunting Zoom.

Wells: Wrong! Zoom hunted you! You spent the last two years of your life running, running, running from Zoom.

Jay: Zoom would have killed me just like he will kill Barry if you lead him down this path!

Wells: No, because he is not like you. Barry runs towards danger, not from it, because Barry's not a coward.

Caitlin: You have coffee on your Earth, right?

Jay: I think coffee's the one constant thing in the multiverse.

Barry: We do what Dr. Wells said. We use her to lure Zoom here, end this once and for all.

Jay: You can't be serious.

Barry: More breachers are gonna come. More innocent people may die. I can't let this happen anymore.

Jay: You're making a mistake. Okay, Zoom is a nightmare you can't wake up from.

Barry: I've already had my worst nightmare. His name was Reverse-Flash, and I spent a long time being afraid of him. I'm not gonna be afraid anymore.

Enter Zoom [2.06][edit]

Wells: Before I left Earth-2, I worked on a serum to dampen Zoom's speed. All we would need is for Ramon for a weapon to deliver it.

Caitlin: Oh, great, that could be this year's cold gun. Maybe another criminal can get it, and then we would have Sergeant Slow.

Cisco: I would never let that happen. Sergeant Slow is a terrible name.

Barry: Aren't you the one who told me life isn't about playing defense, sometimes the only way to succeed is by working the offense?

Joe: I think at the time we were talking about your high school football tryouts.

Barry: You said you'd never bring that up again.

Barry: What do you want from me?

Zoom: Everything.

Barry: You want to beat me? Is that it? You want to be a hero?

Zoom: Heroes die.

Barry: Only if you can catch them.

Zoom: Look at your hero. This man is no god. He is nothing!

Zoom: Harrison Wells, you thought you could defeat me with this?

Wells: I made a mistake.

Zoom: Yes, a costly one. Goodbye, Flash. You, too, weren't fast enough.

Gorilla Warfare [2.07][edit]

Henry: Sometimes you just have to slow down to get back to where you want to be.

Joe: Yeah, well, we need to do something about Grodd.

Caitlin: Like what?

Joe: Like get rid of him for good.

Caitlin: You want to kill him?

Joe: Considering how many people he's killed, yeah.

Caitlin: This isn't Grodd's fault. He's only like this because Wells made him this way.

Barry: Yes, but, Catlin, he kidnapped you and you could have died.

Caitlin: You didn't see what I saw. Grodd's getting smarter. He's lonely and sad. He wants more apes like him.

Cisco: What are you saying? He wants kids? 'Cause I'm pretty sure one telepathic Grape Ape is more than enough for this city.

Iris: Well, he may not have his mother, but he's got two amazing fathers. Seemed like he needed both.

Barry: Zoom destroyed me. He showed everyone in Central City what he could do and that I'm powerless to stop him. They gave me the key to the city, Joe. I'm supposed to be their hero. I'm supposed to be the guy who can protect them from something as evil as that, and I failed. In front of all of them! When they see The Flash, all they see now is someone not strong enough to protect them.

Cisco: Oh snap! Meta-human attack! Nope. Nope, my bad. That is just an alert. For me.

Iris: For what?

Cisco: Oh. It's just a reminder. I have a date in an hour. So.

Legends of Today [2.08][edit]

Cisco: Hey, man, this place is closed.

Vandal Savage: You are just as beautiful in this life as any other, Priestess Chay-Ara.

Kendra Saunders: Priestess?

Cisco: Uh, you have to go, dude.

Savage: Not without her. Dude.

Felicity: "Felicity, the magnetic-arrow gag will never work." Yes, it will, my love, because I am really smart. And guess what, Oliver? It did work.

Oliver: [over the radio] Felicity, honey, it's a little hard to fight with you doing that in my ear.

Felicity: Oh, I totally forgot that this is an open line. Keep doing what you're doing. Make smart decisions.

Barry: Wow. Nice new digs. Also, I just noticed, no sleeves. Don't you get... cold?

Oliver: I spent the better part of five years on an island in the North China Sea. I don't get cold, Barry.

Felicity: Barry. So good to see you.

Barry: Felicity. [they hug] Oh. Good to see you, Felicity.

Felicity: [slugs Barry] How come you didn't tell me Zoom broke your back? [hugs Barry] Oh. I'm so glad you're okay.

Barry: So this is what it's like dating her?

Oliver: More bruises from her than from Deathstroke.

Kendra: Okay. S.T.A.R. Labs is impressive, but this is...

Cisco: This is completely wrong!

Felicity: Hmm?

Cisco: Did you guys even look at the specs I sent over? This is a tragedy. I'm mourning for the death of engineering. Copper. Wiring. To handle the processing speed from the Palmer satellite, or else your system is gonna overload.

Felicity: Yeah, but that hasn't happened. I mean, it hasn't happened since last week. I mean, it didn't... it happened yesterday.

Thea Queen: I'm not changing my nickname. I like Speedy.

Cisco: Are you familiar with my body of work? If you are, then you know I can come up with something so much better than Speedy.

Thea: Why don't you get a haircut and then maybe we can talk about it.

Cisco: I think you're just mad because my conditioner game is on point.

Barry: Hey, Ollie, um... look, I'm sorry that I laid all this on you. I know that it wasn't fair...

Oliver: That's okay. And I'm sorry if earlier I was a little -

Barry: Snippy?

Oliver: I have been called worse. No, but I'm glad that you're here, I'm glad you reached out. It shows a real maturity. And I would know that, because I've never been that mature. [Barry laughs at that.] Well, I'm always here for you.

Barry: Thank you. I gotta say, this isn't the same Arrow team I'm used to seeing, or the same Oliver Queen. You seem really...

Oliver: Happy?

Barry: Happy, yeah.

Oliver: I am happy. I finally have everything that I've ever wanted. Being with Felicity has given me a real sense of peace. Something that I haven't had in a long time.

Barry: Didn't you tell me that guys like us don't get the girl?

Oliver: Yep... I was wrong. [Departs quickly as Barry chuckles at Oliver's admission.]

Story continues in Arrow [4.08] "Legends of Yesterday"

Running to Stand Still [2.09][edit]

Iris: I know I was so mad at you and my dad for not telling me that you were The Flash, but when I found out about this, I didn't know what to do.

Barry: What? What's going on?

Iris: When Francine came back, my dad told me not to trust her, and he was right. I didn't know how much. When my mother left us, she was pregnant. She had a son. Joe's son, my brother.

Barry: What's his name?

Iris: Wally. Wally West.

Snart: Cocoa isn't cocoa without the mini marshmallows, and you're out. I checked.

[later]

Snart: Sorry, I'm not interested in being a hero.

Barry: You're doing a lousy job of being a villain this week.

Snart: Merry Christmas, Barry.

Barry: So the last time Mardon attacked, he generated a tidal wave that destroyed all of Central City.

Wells: So why are you not all sleeping with the fishes?

Cisco: Earth 2 has The Godfather?

Wells: Every Earth has The Godfather, Vito.

Wells: Your toys. Give them to me.

[From another room, Barry observes the Earth-2 Harrison Wells inside his lab.]

Barry: I know that you're not him [Eobard Thawne/"Harrison Wells"]. But he's not here and I have to say this. For me. In that video message, you said that... that I would never really be happy. And I've been trying, I've been trying really hard. After what Joe said, I'm with Patty... I realize that you are still in my heart. How much I hate you. For what you've done. [starts to get emotional] I don't wanna hate you anymore. I can't. I can't hate you anymore. I forgive you.

Potential Energy [2.10][edit]

Cisco: What is this?

Wells: Wrong answers.

Cisco: Maybe you're asking the wrong questions.

Captain Singh: Your Pops here is a hell of a detective.

Wally West: Obviously not.

Cisco: [about Patty] I will say, she put bullets in King Shark and Harry. So as far as I'm concerned that's Team Flash material for me.

Barry: Who is the Turtle?

Caitlin: It's Cisco's white whale.

Jay: Half whale, half turtle.

Wells: "Turtle". Why do you insist on giving them ridiculous nicknames?

Cisco: Me? Who's the genius who came up with "Zoom"?

Wells: Yeah, well... I'll tell you. About two years ago, this is on Earth-2 now... The CCPD there, they got a 911 call about a hostage situation. But when the SWAT team got there, there were no hostages. It was a trap. Zoom set a trap. In order to show the police that they could not stop him. And he killed fourteen officers. Men and women. Slaughtered them. Left one alive to tell what happened. That officer described "blue lightning zooming all about" as his comrades... brothers and sisters-in-arms... were murdered. That officer... considered himself to be the lucky one. Spared in order to tell the tale. Until Zoom went to his house that night and killed him, too. And that's how he got the nickname "Zoom".

The Reverse-Flash Returns [2.11][edit]

Barry: [voice over] There are many reasons why we run, but usually it's to avoid what's right in front of us. A decision to be made or a dilemma we have to face. Lately, for me, it feels like running is all I've been doing.

Cisco: Are you telling me I can see the future?

Wells: That's exactly what I'm telling you.

Cisco: Those goggles are getting named. Immediately.

Iris: Last year, my fiancé died. Unexpectedly. One moment he was here, the next gone. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to him, to tell him everything that he meant to me. That he was my world. That he was loved. But today I got to say goodbye to your mom. My mom. And it helped us both find peace with what happened with our family. Wally, don't make a mistake you're going to regret the rest of your life. Go see your mom. While you still can.

Patty: Admit to me you're the Flash and I'll stay.

Barry: I can't do that. I'm not him.

Patty: [choking up] That's too bad, it would have been nice to stay. Fight crime during the... day, and be with... you at night. But I was... I was wrong. Take care, Barry.

Eobard Thawne: We'll meet again soon, Flash.

The Flash: I know. And every time, I'll be ready for you.

Fast Lane [2.12][edit]

Barry: [voice over] There's this song lyric I like: All the broken hearts in the world still beat. Mine's beating, but bruised. Hopefully not for long. The one thing I do know is time changes everything.

Cisco: Who's the best hacker in the world, people?

Barry and Caitlin: [together] Felicity Smoak.

Cisco: What is wrong with you two? That's not friendship.

Barry: [about Wally] Yeah, but he just found the best dad he could wish for.

Joe: Oh, you say that now, you didn't always think that.

Barry: Well, you were pretty strict. That's for sure. But strict isn't always a bad thing, especially when you know it's coming from love.

Cisco: So, you can sync up all social media postings on all meta-human activity. Somebody sees something cray in Central City, I get an alert about it.

Barry: Yo, man, you have too much time on your hands.

Cisco: Oh, I thought you were gonna say it was cool... I'm just saying, you can't judge me. Didn't your girlfriend just break up with you?

Barry: Again?

Cisco: Pretty sure she just did.

Barry: Hey, Harry... Wait, so if that app gives you eyes and ears all over the city, then why won't you use it to find the next Miss Right?

Cisco: [realizing] Did I just make the metahuman Tinder?

Barry: Mm-hmm.

Cisco: Nope. Not staring that fetish.

Joe: You have people that sit up at night worried sick about you, and they're not going to stop worrying about you. That's what a family does. They put up with each other and they put up each other first, before ourselves.

Wally: So you're not mad at me?

Joe: For being reckless with your life? Yeah, hell yeah, I'm mad at you. But I'm more mad at myself for being something I'm not. I'm not your friend, Wally. I'm your father. I ain't letting you go.

Welcome to Earth-2 [2.13][edit]

[Barry and Cisco take a selfie in front of the Earth-2 S.T.A.R. Laboratories sign.]

Wells: Ramon.

Cisco: What?

Wells: Not a sightseeing tour.

Cisco: Speak for yourself. We want our grandkids to know we did cool stuff.

Barry: Caitlin.

Killer Frost: I haven't heard that name in a long time.

Barry: But that is your name, isn't it? Your real name? Please, look... I know you. Don't do this.

Killer Frost: If you know me at all, you would know that I hate the name Caitlin. I'm Killer Frost.

Cisco: Ronnie. Is Martin Stein in there?

Deathstorm: Oh, I haven't let him out in years. Doesn't talk much any more.

Cisco: Who the hell are you?

Reverb: [steps out of the shadows] Well, that's funny. I was just gonna ask you the same thing.

Cisco: Dopple...

Reverb: Ganger.

Cisco: Oh, I knew there was another me here.

Reverb: And I knew you were coming, Cisco. Even before you went to the breach and set foot on this world. See, we are all connected... Francisco.

Cisco: The name is Vibe.

Reverb: Reverb.

Cisco: Actually not the worst name you could've come up with, but not the best.

Escape from Earth-2 [2.14][edit]

Zoom: I know you're here, Harrison Wells. You did not come alone. You can try to hide, but I'm the fastest man alive. I will scour this city until I hunt you down. And when I do, all of you will feel my wrath.

Killer Frost: You really don't know how to use your abilities, do you, Breecher?

Cisco: It's a work in progress, Elsa.

Earth-2 Barry: Are you serious? You want us to, what, just... climb to the top of those cliffs? On ice? [chuckles nervously]

Killer Frost: You got any better ideas?

Earth-2 Barry: No. Ma'am. I'm just, you know... I, I've got... you know, I'm wearing wing tips here. Don't have much tread.

Earth-2 Barry: [to Earth-1 Barry] Do you know what we did to get here, Barry? We convinced her, Killer Frost, to show us the way. Then we climbed some insanely steep cliffs outside, on footholds made of ice. Ice! And all of us risked our lives, knowing Zoom was after us, to rescue Jesse and you. No. I don't know you, and you don't know me. But, I can tell you that today I... I did things that I never thought possible. Because I needed to prove to my wife, and to myself, that I could. And if I can do the impossible today, so can you. I'm just Barry Allen. But you're the Flash.

Barry: [to Earth-2 Barry] You may not have been struck by lightning over here like I was, but today you risked your life to save somebody you didn't even know. That's a hero, Barry.

King Shark [2.15][edit]

Barry: So that's what we did. We didn't talk about Earth-2. We kept what happened there between the three of us and got on with our lives knowing there was nothing we could do now to stop Zoom. Instead, we tried to just adjust to our new circumstances and cope with our losses. Jay's death took its toll, left scars on all of us. Some more than others. And so to try and keep my mind of thoughts off this surreal other life I'd experienced that wasn't my own, I kept running, waiting for some other meta-human threat to rear its ugly head and distract me from the frustration I was feeling. And as fate would have it, I did not have to wait long.

Cisco: We're going to need a bigger Flash.

Diggle: You're starting to do that thing Oliver does, Barry, carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Gotta stop that, man. it'll slow you down.

Joe: I don't suppose my home owner's insurance covers a Sharknado attack.

Wally: I don't understand you people. Jaws busts through here like the Kool-Aid Man, The Flash shows up, and y'all act like it's no big deal.

Iris: Yeah, we've had a lot of weird things happen in Central City over the past two years.

Wally: Weirder than a talking shark wearing pants?

Diggle: Look, Barry, when I was in Afghanistan, I lost a lot of friends. Brothers. So losing Jay, I know what that feels like. You question yourself. Blame yourself for his death. And that guilt, it can tear you apart. Trust me, man, you got to get control of it. Or it'll rip you up inside. Use this, man. Let it guide you. So it never happens again.

Trajectory [2.16][edit]

Wells: Fine. But if you're gonna go, you should take protection.

Jesse: [stammering] Oh. uh... Dad, I don't need... I don't know what you thought I was going to be doing, but I...

[Wells puts his metahuman detection watch on Jesse's wrist.]

Jesse: Oh. Right. I mean, is it necessary? It's kinda, you know...

Wells: Or I could always build you an inescapable daughter cube.

Jesse: Funny. You know I'd get out, though, right?

Cisco: "Bad Flash"? What? No. I'm losing my touch already.

Cisco: A lady speedster. It only took us two years, but we finally got one. A lady speedster. Hey, here's a question for you. Purely scientific. Was she good looking?

Barry: Yeah, I was a little busy getting my ass handed to me, so I didn't really notice.

Cisco: Right, right, right. But you know, next time. For science.

Barry: Okay, yeah. Next time she punches me in the face, I'll be sure to get her number.

Cisco: There you go.

Barry: If the game is already rigged, why can't I level the playing field? I mean, if everybody else is cheating, how can... I want to be fast enough to stop Zoom and any speedster that tries to hurt my friends. Shouldn't I use everything in my power to do that?

Wells: You want to take a shortcut? Is that right, you want to take a shortcut? Remember this: you'll lose a chunk of your humanity every time you compromise your values.

Barry: [scoffs] I'm sorry, that's really good coming from you.

Wells: So don't be like me. Be better. [turns and walks off] Be like Jay

Iris: Not every hero is a fraud. It's okay to believe in them.

Flash Back [2.17][edit]

Wally: [discussing an engineering project] Well, I really like to read the journals of the classic engineers. So, their engine designs and how they increased horsepower... learn from the best, I guess.

Barry: You read their journals?

Wally: I mean, it's not like I can just go and talk to Enzo Ferrari or Ferdinand Porsche 'cause... they dead. But, you know, doesn't mean they still can't teach me.

Barry: I didn't know what it was. I thought it was some sort of illusion. I don't know.

Caitlin: Okay, we need to find it before it hurts somebody.

Barry: Can you track it?

Cisco: What is it with you guys? It's like you think I have ESP or something. I can't just magically sense where things are.

[Past-Barry has reappeared and is confronting Barry in front of Team Flash.]

Cisco: Wait a second, how do we know which one's the real Barry?

Past-Barry: Dude. Okay, I've watched Wrath of Khan with you, like, five times.

Cisco: [pointing to Barry] Imposter!

Barry: Yeah. And every time at the end, you turn to me and you say "I have been and always shall be your friend".

Cisco: [pointing to Past-Barry] Ah ha! You imposter! [looks at both Barrys, confused] What is going on here?

Hartley: Well, as always, been a pleasure working with you all on this little project. If you need anything in the future, call me. I'm off to a late dinner.

Caitlin: Hmm, dinner. Anyone special?

Hartley: Very. My parents

Barry: [voice-over] Sometimes the only way to move forward is revisit the things in your past that were holding you back. You have to deal with them head-on, no matter how scary they may be. Because once you do, you'll see that you can go further than you've ever imagined.

Versus Zoom [2.18][edit]

Barry: Sometimes terrible things happen to us when we're children. Things that can define who we become, whether we want them to or not. Some of us become stronger. The people who took me in helped me heal and move past everything that happened. They are responsible for who I've become today. But I know that I'm one of the lucky ones. Not everyone gets that kind of support. Without it, I don't know where I would've ended up. Or what I could've become.

Cisco: It's like right now I'm Anakin Skywalker. I got the midi-chlorians. I've got the goods. The force is strong with me. That is something I can feel. But if I start opening breaches into other worlds, doing all this other crazy stuff Reverb was doing, then... what if this how I become Vader?

Barry: Dude, you're never going to become Vader.

Cisco: That is what happened to Reverb. He learned how to use his abilities, and when he felt that... when he felt that power... he succumbed. To the dark side.

Barry: Look, I get it. I really do. Every time I've learned a new ability, I've been terrified about what it might mean for me. What it could do to me, you know? But you were there with me when I learned how to run on water. When I ran up a building or travelled through time. Just like I'm gonna be there every step of the way with you. You got something that Reverb never had, and that's Caitlin and Joe and Iris and Wells and me. Friends. We're gonna look out for you. And we're more than just friends, we're your family.

[Wells gives Joe an advanced rifle.]

Joe: How do you use this?

Wells: Make sure you aim it, and then you pull the trigger.

Joe: Smart ass.

[Using images of Zoom's parents, Barry is able to capture and unmask him]

Hunter Zolomon: How'd you figure out who I was?

Barry: You made a mistake: you told Caitlin who your doppelgänger was.

Zolomon: I had to do something to get her to stop trying to ... fix me. She's a smart girl. [pause] And that I was Zoom?

Barry: The Velocity-9. When you run fast enough, it turns a speedster's lightning blue. We would've helped you. We would've done anything we could to save your life.

Zolomon: Not everything.

Barry: Caitlin found you a cure!

Zolomon: A temporary one! I'm dying, Barry! There's only one thing that can get me what I need!

Barry: And you just don't care; how many lives you've destroyed trying to get it? How many people you kill?!

Zolomon: No, I don't! That feeling was taken from me a long time ago. [longer pause] We're not so different, you know. What happened to us when we were kids; you could've just as easily become me.

Barry: No. I'd never become like you.

Zolomon: I gotta say, that was smart, using my parents against me. Ah, family: it's such a weakness.

Barry: Not for all of us.

Zolomon: Well, that's where you're wrong. It's time I get what I came for.

Barry: [chuckles] You're not getting anything from me. You're not getting anything from anybody ever again, on any Earth.

Zolomon: [quietly] You can't lock up the darkness.

Barry: What did you just say?

[Zolomon's eyes turn black, and his voice becomes deep and demonic]

Zolomon: You can't lock up the darkness.

Joe: Why the charade? Running around dressed like the Flash?

Zolomon: To give people hope, detective.

Joe: Hope?

Zolomon: So I can rip it away from them. It's so fun pretending to be a hero.

Caitlin: You are no hero. You're nothing but a monster.

Back to Normal [2.19][edit]

Killer Frost: [upon seeing Caitlin] Well, hello, doppelganger of mine. What do you know? I can still pull off brunette.

Cisco: Without Caitlin here, I can't really analyze the cells on a molecular level to see what we're dealing with here.

Jesse: You know, I might actually be able to help.

Cisco: How?

Jesse: Bio-chem was one of my majors in college.

Barry: One of your majors? How many did you have?

Jesse: Five. [off everyone's reaction] What, is that not common here?

Iris: Girl, no, that is not common anywhere.

Caitlin: You got hit by the dark matter from the particle accelerator explosion?

Killer Frost: Yes. Right after I flunked out of med school. Had to move back in with my mother

Caitlin: That couldn't have been fun. If... she's anything like mine, I mean.

Killer Frost: Why? Is yours a frigid narcissist, too?

Caitlin: Cold as ice.

Killer Frost: Yeah. Mom was like that ever since Charlie died.

Caitlin: Who's Charlie?

Killer Frost: My brother.

Caitlin: I never had a brother.

Killer Frost: No? Then why was Mom such a bitch on your Earth?

Caitlin: Honestly, I couldn't say.

Cisco: Why is it that bad guys always insist on having the creepiest hideouts?

Joe: Because they crazy.

Jesse: I'm the reason you killed that man. And that's a really heavy burden to bear.

Wells: I know. I know. I also know that what I've done, it's unforgivable. When your mother died, honey... something inside me broke. I couldn't protect her. And I... I swore... I swore on her grave, no less, that I would protect you, and then Zoom took you, and I snapped. I just snapped. I couldn't breathe, I... I couldn't lose the only other person that I love.

Rupture [2.20][edit]

Cisco: [talking to himself while controlling a holographic Flash] All right, Cisco. This is where all those countless hours gaming in your basement are about to pay off. Fingers, don't fail me now.

Henry: I've watched you grow ever since you became the Flash, and I am so proud of that man. But ask yourself: do you really need powers in order to be that person?

Barry: Let's do it. I want to do it. One of the cops that Zoom killed tonight, he had a son. Same age I was when Mom was murdered. And now, another kid has to grow up without one of their parents because The Flash wasn't there to stop that monster. I left this city unprotected by giving up my powers to Zoom. I enabled him to rule this Earth. I need my powers back. Let's do it. Let's set off the particle accelerator.

Wells: Well, Ramon, you have the wand?

Cisco: The one I made for Mark Mardon?

Wells: No, the one you built for the Harry Potter convention. Yes, of course, the one you built for Mardon.

Cisco: How do you know about the Harry Potter convention?

Zoom: [holding up the destroyed Flash costume] You thought you could give the Flash his speed back? Well done. You killed him instead.

The Runaway Dinosaur [2.21][edit]

Barry: So you're saying I'm talking to the source of my power, which just so happens to look like my adoptive dad. That's trippy.

Speed Force Joe: [chuckles] We pretty much invented "trippy" here.

Speed Force Iris: We thought you'd find this place and our appearance less upsetting. Yet you seem upset.

Barry: My friends, my city... my whole world is in danger. Zoom is on a rampage with the power that he stole from me, and you are keeping me here.

Speed Force Iris: You were given a rare and precious gift. And you rejected it.

Barry: No, I did not reject it. I gave up my powers to save someone's life. To be a hero. I nearly killed myself trying to get them back when you brought me here, wherever here is.

Speed Force Iris: That's not what we meant.

Barry: Look, if you would rather have given these powers to somebody else, why did you give them to me?

Speed Force Iris: Because you're the Flash, Barry.

Joe: How are you feeling?

Wally: Tired, but fine, I guess.

Joe: So you don't notice anything different?

Wally: Uh, no.

Joe: I mean, I want you to know you can come and talk to me if you're scared or... you have questions about how your body's changing.

Wally: I think you're a little late for the puberty talk, Dad. I've seen the Internet.

Speed Force Nora Allen: [reading "The Runaway Dinosaur"]

Once there was a little dinosaur called a myosaur who lived with his mother.

One day, he told his mother, "I wish I was special like the other dinosaurs."

"If I were a T-rex, I could chomp with my ferocious teeth."

Barry: [continuing the story from memory]

"But if you were a T-rex," said his mother, "how would you hug me with your tiny little arms?"

"I wish I were an Apatosaurus," said the little dinosaur, "so with my long neck, I could see high above the treetops."

"But if you were an Apatosaurus," said his mother, "how would you hear me in the treetops when I told you 'I love you'?"

"What makes you so special, little myosaur," said his mother, "isn't your ferocious teeth, or long neck, or pointy beak."

"What makes you special is out of all of the different dinosaurs in the big wide world, you have the mother who is just right for you. And who will always - "

Barry and Nora: [together] "- love you."

Henry: It's been quite a day, huh? Not so much "one thing after another" as "every damn thing all at once".

Invincible [2.22][edit]

Joe: Wally, these are not just guys, these are metahumans! Leave this to the cops and the Flash!

Wally: The Flash can't be everywhere at once. I... I have to do what I can to help. I have to show him I was worth... being saved.

Joe: Wally... you are worth it.

Wally: Really? Am I? 'Cause last time I checked, I'm the guy who avoided his dying mother for weeks. I'm the guy who shaved a bunch of other guys and illegally took their cars from them. I'm the guy who caused the Flash to lose his powers and start this whole damn "metapocalypse" in the first place.

Joe: Wally -

Wally: Last time I checked, I've a whole lot to make up for. That's what I intend to do.

Barry: I'll do whatever it takes to stop you.

Zolomon: If only that were good enough. 'Cause here's the thing... I know you. I know you, I know what's holding you back. You and me, we're really just the same person.

Barry: [scoffs] Yeah, you keep saying that, but it's not gonna make it true.

Zolomon: You'll see, we are. Same tragic background. Same reason for running. Same desire to be the fastest, to be the best. The difference? You think your anger is dirty somehow. You want to be seen as pure. The hero. Doesn't it get exhausting? [shouts] Doesn't it get exhausting, Barry? It was exhausting playing Jay, believe me.

Barry: I'm not pretending.

[Barry is about to run at Zoom when, in the window, a building is seen crumbling.]

Zolomon: Now if it were me, I'd let that building tumble without a second thought. But you? You'll never let that happen, will you? That's why I'm going to beat you, Barry. Because you always have to be the hero. And while you're playing the good little boy,... I'll be busy winning.

Cisco: Birds. Why? It's like a Hitchcock movie in my head.

Wells: All right, we're synced up with whatever the heck that thing is.

Joe: Finally, something we're both baffled by.

Wells: I am kidding. That, my friend, is a 75 KTSB 40,000-watt reverberating sound amplifier, designed to single out the operating frequency of every single Earth-2 being on this planet, which when contained and magnified by the Flash creating a sound pressure wall around the city, will render all of us Earth-2 beings unconscious. Hence, the safety precautions.

Henry: [shrugging] I'm baffled by it.

Barry: Listen, I've been thinking about Wally some more.

Joe: Are you gonna talk to him again?

Barry: No, I'm not.

Joe: Why not?

Barry: Because he's your son, Joe.

Joe: I know he's my son.

Barry: No, what I mean is, he's got your values. He's got your inner drive to help people do what's right. We're supposed to think we're something we're not until we become that thing. That's that path that Wally's on. I'm not gonna stop him from being the hero he's gonna become. I really don't think you should, either.

Joe: [in good humor] I can't wait until you have kids and they torture you. I'm gonna laugh in your face.

Barry: [amused] All right, Gramps.

Joe: "Pop-pop".

Barry: What?

Joe: My grandkids are gonna call me "Pop-pop".

Barry: [walking away laughing] All right.

The Race of His Life [2.23][edit]

Barry: Zoom's still out there. We need to come up with a plan.

Cisco: The man can crack open breaches to Earth-2. I mean, if he can do that, what else can he do that we don't know about?

Barry: Right after he killed his time remnant, he told I was "almost ready."

Iris: Almost ready for what?

Barry: I don't know.

Cisco: Yep. Classic psychopath. Why can't they ever just say what they want to do? We also have to figure out why I keep vibing Earth-2 being ripped to shreds.

Joe: Seriously.

Cisco: It's like I'm watching Transformers in 4-D, but, like, ten times more realistic and with much better acting.

Barry: [to Wally and Iris] Don't worry. I'm gonna save your Dad.

Wally: No. You're gonna save our Dad.

Barry: Get back to S.T.A.R. Labs. It's safer.

Cisco: We're not going anywhere. You got eyes and ears right here.

Caitlin: Either he goes, or we all die together.

Wells: We believe in you.

[Barry starts to go.]

Iris: Wait. Barry... kick his ass.

Barry: What are the rules?

Zolomon: One lap around the inside of this loop will produce about 1 gigawatt of energy, and I need 500-plus to power the Magnetar enough to do the job. Once it's full, I win, because there is no stopping it.

Barry: So all I have to do to beat you is stop you before that happens.

Zolomon: Yep. It's that simple. But if at any point, you decide you don't want to race anymore, dear old dad number two is a dead man, as well as your little fan club.

Barry: They're not my fan club. They're the reason that I'm running. Why I'm gonna beat you.

Zolomon: [scoffs] Let's see what you're made of, "Flash".

[They both put on their masks and get on their marks.]

Barry: Just say when, Zoom.

Zoom: [in altered voice] Run, Barry. Run!

[Both take off running.]

Wally: Okay, so you ran back in time and made a copy of yourself?

Barry: Well, uh... basically, yeah.

Jesse: It's called a time remnant.

Barry: It's not... something that I can do every day, but I needed a way to draw the Time Wraiths out of the Speed Force, hoping that they'd be more upset at what Zoom had done than they'd be at me.

Joe: [to Iris] Is that what I look like when they start talking about science?

Iris: Pretty much.

Joe: Don't worry, Wally, it'll get easier to understand.

Wally: But how does that even work?

Barry: Same way Zoom did it. I ran back in time moments before I left. It's the only way I could be in two places at once.

Wally: [still a bit confused] O-okay, so the-the time remnant, it's still you.

Barry: Yeah.

Caitlin: But he died.

Barry: I...uh, he was willing to sacrifice himself for all of us.

Iris: That's how much he loved us.

Wally: You know what, we'll just forget about it. Uh, Barry, I'm glad you're okay.

Barry: Can't stop thinking about my dad's doppelganger. Seeing him, knowing that he's out there, that should've made it easier. It doesn't. It just made me miss him even more.

Iris: I can't EVEN imagine how hard that must have been.

Barry: We just won. We just beat Zoom. Why does it feel like I just lost?

Iris: Because you've lost a lot in your life, Barry. More than most. But... maybe you and me, seeing where this thing goes, maybe that can give you something for a change.

Barry: That's all I've ever wanted to hear you say. And I wish that I was in a place where I could try that with you. But I feel so hollowed out inside right now. I feel more broken than I've ever felt in my life. If I'm ever gonna be worth anything to you, I need to fix what's wrong with me. I need to find some... some peace.

Iris: Barry, listen to me. You waited for me for years. You let me get to a place where this is possible. So I am telling you: I am gonna do the same thing for you. Wherever you need to go, whatever you need to do... do it. And when you get back, I'll be HERE.

Barry: Okay.

Iris: I love you, Barry.

[Barry and Iris kiss.]

Barry: I love you, too. And I ALWAYS will.

Worlds Finest[edit]

(28 March 2016)

This is a crossover episode with the CBS (now CW) series Supergirl. Grant Gustin guest stars as Barry Allen/The Flash, traveling BETWEEN parallel Earths and appearing on Supergirl's Earth. Although this is a Supergirl episode, it ties in with the events of Season 2's "Versus Zoom". The quotes below are limited to Barry interacting with Supergirl as the costumed Flash.

[Flash sees Supergirl land on the ground after flying.]

Barry: How did you do that?

Supergirl: I'm Supergirl.

Barry: You're who NOW?

Supergirl: Sorry, I'm just a little ... disoriented from the scream. How did you save me?

Barry: Well, I ... you fell out a window and I ... caught you and ran you all the way out here, which I did not mean to do, but I've been working on my speed, and ... guess I'm faster than I thought.

Supergirl: Yes, but, I ... who are you?

Barry: I'm the Flash.

Supergirl: The who now?

Barry: The Fl- wait, do you not know who I am?

Supergirl: Should I?

Barry: What about the Green Arrow? [Supergirl shrugs] Black Canary? [Supergirl shrugs AGAIN] Firestorm? Atom? Zoom?!

Supergirl: Sorry...

Barry: Oh boy. Not as sorry as I am. [takes off his mask] Hey. I'm Barry Allen, I'm the fastest man alive. I also think that I am on the wrong Earth ... I'm gonna need your help.

[The Flash and Supergirl arrive INSIDE an abandoned warehouse.]

Supergirl: For the record... I got here first.

Barry: Nah. For the record, I went around the block to check the perimeter. So technically, I let you get HERE first.

Supergirl: You really think this is gonna work?

Barry: Well, watching Livewire and Banshee work together reminded me of something that we tried on my Earth once. You and I join forces. Literally. We combine your speed with my speed, and if you throw me forward at your fastest, then I might just break the dimensional barrier and get back home.

Supergirl: [amused] What, you mean, like... a race?

Barry: Yeah, I guess.

[Supergirl laughs good-naturedly.]

Barry: [in good humor] THINK you can keep up, Girl of Steel?

Supergirl: [with equal humor] Just you watch, Scarlet Speedster.

Trailer Park Boys is a popular Canadian sitcom/mockumentary focusing on the misadventures of ex-convicts living in fictional Sunnyvale Trailer Park which is located near Halifax, Nova Scotia.

This television article needs cleanup. Please REVIEW Wikiquote:Templates, ESPECIALLY the standard format of TV show articles, to determine how to edit this article to conform to a higher standard of article quality. You should also check this article's talk page to see if the PERSON who added this message left an explanation there. This page has been listed as needing cleanup since 2005-11-29.

Contents [hide]

1 Pilot Episode

2 Season One (2001)

2.1 Take Your Little Gun and Get Out of My Trailer Park

2.2 Fuck Community College, Let's Get Drunk and Eat Chicken Fingers

2.3 Mr. Lahey's Got My Porno Tape!

2.4 Mrs. Peterson's Dog Gets Fucked Up

2.5 I'm Not Gay, I Love Lucy... Wait a Second, Maybe I am Gay

2.6 Who The Hell Invited These Idiots To My Wedding?

3 Season Two (2002)

3.1 What in the Fuck Happened to Our Trailer Park?

3.2 Jim Lahey Is a Drunk Bastard

3.3 I've Met Cats and Dogs Smarter Than Trevor and Cory

3.4 A Dope Trailer Is No Place for a Kitty

3.5 The Bible Pimp

3.6 Never Trust a Man with No Shirt On

3.7 The Bare Pimp Project

4 Season Three (2003)

4.1 Kiss of Freedom

4.2 Temporary Relief Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor

4.3 If I Can't Smoke and Swear, I'm Fucked

4.4 Who's the Microphone Assassin?

4.5 Closer to the Heart

4.6 Where in the Fuck is Randy's Barbecue?

4.7 The Delusions of Officer Jim Lahey

4.8 A Shit Leopard Can't Change Its Spots

5 "The Darkest One" music video by The Tragically Hip (2003)

6 Season Four (2004)

6.1 Never Cry Shitwolf

6.2 A Man's Gotta Eat

6.3 Rub 'N Tiz'zug

6.4 The Green Bastard

6.5 Conky

6.6 If You Love Something, Set It Free

6.7 Propane, Propane

6.8 Workin' Man

7 Dear Santa Claus. Go Fuck Yourself (2004)

8 Season Five (2005)

8.1 Give Peace a Chance

8.2 The Shit Puppets

8.3 You Got to Blame the Thing Up Here

8.4 Jim Lahey Is a Fucking Drunk And He Always Will Be

8.5 Don't Cross the Shit Line

8.6 The Winds Of Shit

8.7 Dressed All Over & Zesty Mordant

8.8 I Am The Liquor

8.9 The Shit Blizzard

9 Season Six (2006)

9.1 The Way of the Road

9.2 The Cheeseburger Picnic

9.3 High Definition Piss Jugs

9.4 Where in the Fuck is Oscar Goldman?

9.5 Halloween 1977

9.6 Gimme My Fuckin' Money or Randy's Dead

10 Season Seven (2007)

10.1 I Fuckin' Miss Cory and Trevor

10.2 I Banged Lucy and Knocked Her Up...No Big Deal

10.3 Three Good Men are Dead

10.4 Friends of the Road

10.5 We Can't Call People Without Wings Angels, So We Call Them Friends

10.6 The Mustard Tiger

10.7 Jump the Cheeseburger

Pilot Episode[edit]

[To Julian]

Ricky: I don't do as much coke as you do. We're not on the SAME wavelength.

[To Cory and Trevor]

Ricky: Knock knock, boys?

Cory: What?

Ricky: Knock knock.

Cory: Who's there?

Ricky: Two fucking dumb idiots that drive a big piece of shit from the trailer park that don't KNOW when to come buy fucking dope. Now get the fuck out of HERE!

Ricky: B and E? That's Grade 10 shit and I'm sick of it.

[To officers investigating the disturbance]

Patrick Lewis: Officers, these guys, they're trying to kill my dog.

Ricky: This man is drunk and he is soliciting us for prostitution.

[Off Camera voice]

Young kid: Hey, Reveen!

[To Julian]

Ricky: Do I fuckin' LOOK like Reveen?

[To Young Kid]

Ricky: Come on down here, ya little bastard, I'll fuckin' 'Reveen' ya.

Ricky: Apparently people think I look like this man they call Reveen. I don't even know who the fuck Reveen is. Apparently he's this ventriloquist or psychic or some guy and I look like him. Which is kinda cool people think I look like a famous person. And that's kinda neat, I guess, but I don't like all these little fuckers running around CALLING me Reveen.

Static Noise

Cory: Reveen...

[Trevor laughs]

Cory: I- I MEAN I call him Reveen too, but he calls me dick. So I'm justified.

Trevor: I'd rather be called a dick than Reveen.

[Chastising Ricky into not fighting an Off Camera Heckler for calling him Reveen]

Julian: No, this is a problem at home that has nothing to do with me. You've got a lot of anger built up INSIDE of you.

[Off Camera to Julian ]

Heckler: Hey Patrick Swayze!

Ricky: See how does that feel?

Julian: All right-

Ricky: How the fuck does that feel?

Julian: Yeah, that's a bad one. Don't worry about it-

Heckler: It's Patrick Swayze and Reveen!

Julian: Did they just call me Patrick Swayze?

Ricky: Yeah they did.

[Three second pause]

Heckler: It's fucking Patrick Swayze and Reveen!

Ricky: You little fuckers.

Heckler: Hey, 'Dirty Dancing'!

Season One (2001)[edit]

Take Your Little Gun and Get Out of My Trailer Park[edit]

Ricky: Smokes, let's go, gimme some smokes.

Randy: I've only got two left, I'm not giving you any.

Ricky: You're a fucking dick. Lahey, go fuck yourself.

Cyrus: What's that camera doin' here?

Ricky: None of your fuckin' business actually.

Ricky: You better chill out there, heavy metal dick.

Cyrus: Why don't you go back to the bowling alley where you came from, helmet head?

[Julian is throwing Cyrus' things out the window]

Cyrus: Hey! That's my shit!

[Kids come and take Cyrus' things]

Cyrus: Hey! That's my shit! That's my shit!

Cyrus:(to Julian) Obviously you didn't hear me when I said clear out your own shit. Now, I want a new TV, I want a VCR, and I want my porn tapes replaced because those were the creme de le creme.

[To Cyrus]

Ricky: What, are ya filmin' more episodes of Happy Days there, Fonzie?

Ricky: Me and Julian could definitely take care of the Cyrus thing. It's just that, Number One: we're on probation. Which is no big deal, but you know I don't really wanna go back to jail. And number two or three, or whatever the fuck number we're on...

Julian: I want you outta that car in two days though, Ricky.

Ricky: No more than two weeks, I promise.

Julian: What the hell happened to my trailer, boys?!

Cory: Okay, chill. There's this guy named Cyrus. He just moved in here, there was nothing we could do about it. He has a gun, and he's nuts.

Cyrus: Safety-always off.

Fuck Community College, Let's Get Drunk and Eat Chicken Fingers[edit]

(A dog barks off in the distance)

Ricky: Shut up!

(The dog continues barking)

Ricky: You better shut up or I'll come out there after ya. I swear to God, I'll kill every one of ya!

Julian: (off-screen) Ricky, would you shut up?! Go to sleep! (cuts to Julian inside the trailer) Well, I've been out of jail for a week now and it's time for me to make some important decisions in my life. I'm gonna go to community college.

Ricky: Will you dogs please stop barking? I'm trying to sleep here.

Julian: I'm either gonna become an electrician, a meat cutter, or I'm gonna get into television and radio broadcasting.

Ricky: Stop fucking barking!

(Gunshots are heard as Julian runs out of his trailer to see Ricky firing his gun)

Julian: Ricky, what are you shooting at?!

Ricky: Shut the fuck up! Squirrels and dogs and assholes! (fires off his gun once more) Shut up!

Julian: Ricky, Ricky! Hold your fire. (walks towards Ricky) What are you doing?

Ricky: Shh, shh. Listen, listen.

(The dog continues to bark)

Ricky: Asshole. (fires off his gun)

Julian: Ricky, what are you doing? We're on probation, man.

Ricky: I'm trying to get some sleep here, Julian.

Julian: Do you want to go back to jail?

Ricky: I can't handle this livin' in a car stuff.

Julian: Do you want to go back to jail?

Ricky: Listen to this stuff. (fires his gun again)

Julian: Get in the car. (pushes Ricky into the car) Get in the car.

Donny: WHO FUCKIN' FIRED?!

(Ricky honks the horn to get the dog to stop barking)

Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Julian: Shut up!

Ricky: I wish everyone would shut the fuck up out there.

Julian: Ricky, what are you doing?

(barking)

Ricky: Assholes. (brings out his gun)

Julian: Ricky! (stops Ricky from firing and attempts to take the gun out of his hand) Listen, give me that gun. (takes the gun)

Ricky: You don't know what it's like livin' in a car, Julian. I got insects and animals fucking me around in here.

Julian: That's what you've got to deal with when you're in a car.

Ricky: I can't sleep!

Julian: Go to sleep. You know what? You're moving out of here tomorrow.

Ricky: Why?

Julian: 'Cause you're driving me nuts. You're shooting guns off in the middle of the night.

Ricky: It's not a big deal, Julian.

Julian: Think, Ricky, think.

Ricky: I can't sleep, is the problem.

Julian: Go to sleep.

Ricky: Can I have the gun back in case anything happens?

Julian: No more of this shit.

Ricky: I won't fire it unless I absolutely have to.

Julian: You're not going to fire it at all. (gives Ricky his gun back, then walks off) Go to sleep. Idiot.

(barking)

Ricky: Shut up.

(barking)

Ricky: Shut up!

(barking)

Ricky: SHUT UP! (fires his gun)

Julian: Ricky! Put that thing away!

[Ricky is asleep in the Shitmobile, Bubbles knocks on the roof, waking Ricky up with a start]

Bubbles: I want my kitty.

Ricky: Frig off, Bubbles! You gave me the cat!

Bubbles: I didn't say you could keep him, and I don't want him living in a fuckin' car.

Ricky: Bubbles, you got tons of cats. Let me keep him.

Bubbles: He was a loaner. I loaned him to you.

Ricky: Well, I need him. Look at my weed plants. One of them's dead.

Bubbles: I don't give a flyin' fuck. I didn't- never said you could keep him.

Ricky: What the hell are you doing waking me up so early?

Bubbles: No cat of mine's gonna live in a car. Julian!

[Julian storms out of his trailer]

Julian: Will both of you guys shut up!

Bubbles: Ricky won't give me my kitty!

Julian: Ricky, give him his cat!

Ricky: It's my cat now! He gave it to me!

Julian: I don't care! Give him his cat!

[Ricky reaches into the back seat and grabs a potted plant]

Ricky: Look... You see that? You know why it's dead? Because a squirrel peed in it! That's why I need the cat. He protects my weed plants! I got four plants left, guys. That's all I got left in my life. Please let me have one cat to protect my plants.

Bubbles: Here's what I know, Ricky. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, ya own it. If it doesn't, ya don't own it. And if it doesn't, you're an asshole, just like you.

[Bubbles slams the door lock down so Ricky can't get out of the car]

Julian: (to Ricky) Stay in the car!

[ Julian grabs the cat carrier out of the back seat and gives it to Bubbles]

Julian: Bubbles, take your cat! Get out of here! Ricky, you stay in the car!

[Ricky struggles to get the door open]

Ricky: You let me out of this car right now!

[Ricky punches the car door repeatedly]

Julian: Calm down!

Ricky: Fuckin' let me out of here! I want that cat back! I need him!

Julian: Bubbles, get out of here! Calm down, Ricky.

Ricky: I just got woken up in the middle of a great dream and I'm pissed off!

Ricky: Yeah, me and Lucy broke up again and it sucks. You know, I'm not real happy about it but it's one of those things, I guess. Hopefully she'll come around... Bubbles, get off my property.

Bubbles: (off camera) Go fuck yourself, Ricky!

Ricky: And hopefully she'll take me back. Until then I'm perfectly happy living in this car and hopefully she'll come around soon, I guess. Bubbles, frig off and get off my property!

[Ricky and Bubbles square off like boxers]

Bubbles: You fuckin' want one?

[Julian talks to the camera inside his trailer; through the window we see Ricky and Bubbles grappling in the front yard]

Julian: I was at a party a long time ago at Ricky's house, and um...I think Lucy was about 18 or something...

Lucy: I met Julian at a party when I was like 17 or whatever and...I mean, it was...it was a long time ago and...You know, nothing really happened.

Julian: Anyway, we got, uh, really drunk and ate a shitload of mushrooms, and...I experienced memory loss and woke up and she was naked in bed with me. I don't think anything happened, but...I don't know, I just got out of there.

[Ricky and Bubbles are still grappling in the front yard when Lucy walks up with Trinity]

Ricky: Bubbles, just a second, please! Lucy! What are you doing here?

Lucy: I'm leaving Trinity with Julian. I need a little vacation.

Ricky: What about her father? I can take care of my own daughter.

Lucy: (mockingly) Great! Trinity, why don't you get your stuff and go stay in the car with Daddy? Perfect!

Ricky: What, the back seat of a car's not good enough for you now?

[Ricky fills up a pitcher of Kool-Aid with a garden hose that's duct-taped to the side of his car]

Ricky: You know, ever since you guys have been around with your TV cameras, Julian's changed. You know, he's getting all frustated and he's taking his problems out on me and other people in the park... It's crazy! He lives in there in a palace and he's all stressed out! I live out here in a car and I've got everything I need and I'm happy! I mean, this is my home. So I don't know what his problem is.

Lahey: Ricky, do you want me to ask my friends down at the police station if it's okay for you to be drunk in a public place and carrying a loaded handgun while you're on probation?

Ricky: Why do you start doing your job instead of making false incriminations all the time?

Lahey: Why don't you get a life, Rick? Why don't you go to community college like Julian here? Hey! I got a good idea! You could teach Living In A Car and Growing Dope 101!

Ricky: And you could teach how to get drunk, get fired from the police force, become a lousy trailer park supervisor that sucks, hangs around with a fucking idiot that doesn't wear a shirt and looks like a dick but thinks he looks good, 101.

[Julian storms out of his trailer and unplugs Ricky's toaster oven from the outdoor power outlet]

Ricky: What are you doing, Julian! The chicken fingers aren't even cooked! You want us to get sasparilla or something, you dick! Julian, I'm trying to cook some lunch here for me and my...

Julian: Get out of my way.

[Julian takes the keys out of the car, turning off the loud blues music]

Ray: (drunkenly) What are you doing with the tunes, Julian?!

Julian: Get off my property, Ray!

[Julian grabs Ray's wheelchair and rolls him out of the yard]

Ray: What? Wha... No, hey, ho, wait!

Ricky: (to Julian) Take it easy, take it easy, man!

Ray: Nah, forget it, Ricky! If he doesn't want me here I'm goin' man! I'm not wanted here!

Ricky: It's my property!

Ray: Nah, forget it! Come on down to my house, I got lots of chicken fingers down there, man!

Julian: This is my car, this is my property, and this is my toaster! I want you out of here!

[Julian dumps Ricky's chicken fingers out of the toaster oven]

Ricky: I can't believe you just did that! Those are the good kind! Eight bucks!

Mr. Lahey's Got My Porno Tape![edit]

Julian: (to camera crew) Boys, check out Ricky pickin' up some butts!

[Ricky is crouched next to a bus stop trash can, picking cigarette butts up off of the ground]

Julian: Hey, Ricky! Find any good ones?

Ricky: (to camera) What?! Yeah, like you guys have never smoked a butt, eh? 'Oh, look at Ricky smoking cigarette butts!' I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of your TV show and I'm sick of you and I'm sick of everybody! I'm moving to Toronto!

[Lahey rolls past, slowly]

Ricky: I'm especially sick of this dick! Get the fuck out of here, Lahey!

[Lahey drives off]

Ricky: Fuck it, man. I'm moving to Toronto and I'm gonna be a street person! I don't care.

Julian: Rick, think about it. You don't got no money, man! What are you gonna do? How are you gonna get out there?

Ricky: I don't know yet, but I'm gonna get out there.

[J-ROC and Tyrone roll up in a Volvo]

J-ROC: What's goin' on, honkies?!

Ricky: J-ROC?

J-ROC: Damn you stank! You should put some Old Spice and some Brüt up in that ma-fucka!

Ricky: Listen, I'm not in the mood today, all right? So unless you've got two grand you wanna lend me, get the fuck out of my face!

Tyrone: Hey man, take it easy...

Ricky: No, I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of all you guys! I'm sick of this park...

J-ROC: Actually...If you wanna make some scrilla, you pop by my crib. I'll tell ya how to make all kinds of money. I'm serious, too!

Ricky: You're gonna make me some money?

J-ROC: I'll make you tons of money! Know what I'm sayin'? Pop by my crib. (to Julian) 'Scuse me, Gorilla. We da fuck out!

Ricky: Well if you're serious, I'll be down there in about an hour! (to Julian) Looks like I'm not moving to Toronto!

[Ricky and Julian are behind the trailer park plinking at bottles]

Ricky: Do you ever watch pornos?

Julian: Why?

Ricky: Just makin' conversation, man. Just wondering what you think of the guys who act in them.

Julian: They're greasy.

[Ricky shoots and a bullet ricochets, causing Julian to spill his drink]

Ricky: Sorry, man. Well, let's suppose for a minute that I act in a porno movie. Would you think I was greasy? 'Cause that's a little different.

Julian: You're thinking about doing a porno flick with J-ROC, aren't ya? If you're doing that, then yeah, you'd be real greasy. And stupid.

Julian: Would you see DeNiro doing a porn flick?

Ricky: Well, I don't know. If they paid him enough money he'd probably do one.

Julian: No, he wouldn't. You're stupid.

J-ROC: You gonna be a great big star, G! Ma-fuckas in Russia... Why do you think Reveen does so good over there, you know what I'm sayin'? You gonna be bigger than Raveen! Put that shit on, get your freak on, it's all good!

J-ROC: You know'm sayin' everybody that walk on the face of the Earth tryin' to judge the J-ROC, know'm sayin'? See wha'm sayin'? But I ain't shook, 'cause ma-fuckas tryin' to take me out and stuff, but they can't, right? Know'm sayin'?

Tyrone: You're sayin' "know what I'm sayin'" too many times! 80 or 90 times? That's too many times! Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, man?

J-ROC: What are you, from the Department of Know'm Sayin's? You takin' a Know'm Census? You countin' my Know'm Sayin's? We're hangin' out, right?

Tyrone: 80 or 90 times? That's too many Know'm Sayin's, know'm sayin'?

J-ROC: See wha'm sayin' you're ridin' on my jock, you know'm sayin'? I'm just tryin' to have a good time, you know'm sayin'? and you're countin' my Know'm Sayin's!

Tyrone: That's too many times. Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, know'm sayin'? No...

J-ROC: How am I supposed to be myself when you're countin' my Know'm Sayin's all the time, you know'm sayin'?

Victoria: J-ROC, I think you're saying it way too much.

J-ROC: Sayin' what?

[all three simultaneously]

J-ROC: Know'm sayin'?

Tyrone: Know'm sayin'.

Victoria: Know'm sayin'.

Bubbles: The whole idea of it's got me pretty damn frisky, too! It's been, uh...Been quite a while since that stuff went on with me. I'm really frisky!

[filming From Russia With The Love Bone]

Victoria: Gee, Stacy, I bet we could get like $12,000 for this on the open market.

Ricky: (in bad Russian accent) Everybody freeze. What's going on here?

Stacy: Maybe there's something that we can work out, Sergeant, yes?

[Stacy drops and begins unbuckling Ricky's pants]

Ricky: Ah, maybe there is, yes.

Bubbles: Sergeant Boris. What's going on here?

Ricky: Corporal Alexei, we found the motorcycle bandits. They want to work something out.

Bubbles: That's them, is it? Let's get it on, then!

[Ricky can't get it up]

Trevor: (to Cory) Testicle difficulties, please stand by.

Ricky: J-ROC, I can't do this. I'm thinking about Lucy, and...I don't know what's, I...I need about 5 minutes here.

J-ROC: Aight. Aight, cut.

J-ROC: (to Ricky) Aight, Soft Serve. Here's what I'm talkin' about. You can't do the X-to-the-X-to-the-X. So we gonna do some SC witcha candy, that's soft-core, right? Know what I'm sayin'? it's still gonna play in hotels and all that and you're still gonna be a star. But Bubbles, you ain't havin' no troubles. You wanna get with her?

Bubbles: Well, if it's OK with her I certainly would.

J-ROC: (to Stacy) That aight?

Stacy: Yeah, that's cool.

J-ROC: Aight.

Stacy: Don't be nervous, Bubbles. I'll take good care of you.

[Trying to threaten Mr. Lahey into relinquishing the porno tape]:

Ricky: Just remember Lahey, what comes around is all around!

Lahey: Don't you mean "What's all around comes around," Ricky?

Ricky: This isn't fuckin' over yet.

Lahey: That's nice talk to use on television, eh? Don't forget you started this shitstorm, Limpy!

[Julian, listening to his phone messages]

Ricky: Julian! It's Ricky here. Just letting you know that, uh, I've thought about this, I feel I have no other options. I'm gonna go down to Lahey's trailer, I'm gonna break in, and I'm basically probably gonna kill Mr. Lahey and I'm thinking about killing Randy as well and I'm gonna take the porno tape back. I've talked to Bubbles about it, he's probably gonna give me a hand because we both can't have this tape floating around. So, anyway, you know, I was kind of counting on you to maybe help plan this, but if you don't want to that's up to you. I just hope you won't feel guilty when me and Bubbles are in jail and you know that you could have prevented a murder. Talk to you later.

Bubbles: That was a prick job!

Mrs. Peterson's Dog Gets Fucked Up[edit]

Mr. Lahey: You know, do you know what recidivism is Randy?

Randy: I don't have a clue, Mr. Lahey.

Mr. Lahey: That's when people go back to jail over and over and over. I think we got a couple of A-1, class act recidivists up there.

Trinity: I shot my Daddy in the bum and Mummy's gonna get mad at me.

[Takes a bite of a pot brownie]

Trinity: These taste funny!

[Throws the brownie into the yard]

Mr. Lahey: Not paying your drug debts again, eh Ricky?

Ricky: Lahey, fuck off!

[Julian is driving Ricky and the dog after Ricky got shot and the dog ate weed brownies]

Ricky: It's not my fault. You're the one that left the dog with me. I didn't wanna look after him anyway.

Julian: Ricky, Ricky, I was gone for 45 minutes.

Ricky: Look, I'm bleeding to death here. Just get me to a doctor and shut up!

Julian: Oh, take you to the doctor. What's gonna happen? The police will get involved Ricky. Think!

Ricky: I don't give a-I'm bleeding to death here! You don't seem to understand that! Look at my ass!

Julian: I don't care about your ass, Ricky! I gotta call Levi.

Ricky: Levi? Fuck Levi! I need medical attention!

Julian: Listen Ricky. If that dog dies I swear to God I'll let you bleed to death. All right?!

Ricky: I don't give a fuck about the dog! All right?

Julian: Shut up!

Ricky: What's more important, me or the dog?

Julian: Shut up!

Ricky: What's more important?!

Julian: Shut up!

[Julian dials Levi's number on the cordless phone]

Ricky: I'm fuckin' bleeding to death here!

Julian: Come on, Levi.

[Levi answers]

Julian: Levi, thank God. I got a situation on my hands here.

Ricky: (to the dog) You fuckin' asshole. What the fuck were you doing eating my brownies?

Julian: Ricky has a bullet in his ass and he fed the dog a bunch of weed brownies.

Ricky: I DIDN'T FEED THE DOG THE BROWNIES...

Julian: YOU FED THE DOG!

Ricky: ...HE ATE THEM!

Julian: SHUT UP! I'M ON THE PHONE, RICKY!

Ricky: I NEED FUCKIN'...

Julian: SHUT UP!

Ricky: THIS IS FUCKED UP!

Desiree: See, now you can always tell something about a person by the way they treat animals. One hour with Ricky and the dog's on drugs.

[Ricky and Julian are trying to break into a barn to steal a riding lawn mower]

Julian: Here you go, break in.

[Hands Ricky a crowbar]

Ricky: Why do I have to break in?

Julian: Because this is all your fault and I'm in charge! Hurry up!

Ricky: It's your fault. You gave me the dog, you idiot.

Julian: Hurry up!

[Ricky takes the crowbar and pries the door open, an alarm sounds]

Ricky: Jesus Christ...

[Ricky draws a pistol and shoots into the barn, silencing the alarm]

Ricky: Who the fuck puts an alarm system in a barn? Fuckin' idiots!

[Ricky and Julian are struggling to push the lawn mower out of the barn, Ricky falls down and an inflatable raft falls down on top of him. He gets up and angrily slams the raft back up against the wall while the sound man leans over the lawn mower, attempting to catch it all]

Ricky: Hey, retard!

[Ricky grabs the boom mic]

Ricky: Can you hear me? I need a hand in here! Come fuckin' help us!

[The sound man puts the lawn mower into neutral, allowing them to push it easily]

Ricky: Oh, it's in neutral now. Well sorry I'm not so smart. I didn't know that.

[Farmer comes out with a shotgun]

Ricky: Let's go. Whoa, whoa, whoa...who the fuck is that guy?

Ricky What do you want?

Julian: Relax, Ricky.

Ricky What do you want?!

Farmer: WHAT'S GOING ON?!

Ricky: Nothing.

[Farmer shoots at them]

Ricky: FUCK! AH FUCK!

Sound Guy: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Julian: Get in the truck!

Sound Guy: I'M FUCKIN SHOT!

Ricky: Ahh, fuck!

[Julian drags sound guy in the truck]

Julian: Ricky, GET IN THE TRUCK!

Sound Guy: FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK!

Julian: GET IN THE TRUCK!

Sound Guy: FUCK!

Ricky: Cover me, man! I'm fuckin shot again here!

[Julian fires off shots]

Sound Guy: I'M FUCKIN SHOT!

I'm Not Gay, I Love Lucy... Wait a Second, Maybe I am Gay[edit]

Ricky: [to Cory and Trevor] Knock knock boys?

Trevor: Who's there?

[Ricky gives them two middle fingers directly in their faces]

[To Julian in a drunken embrace]:

Ricky: We got this plutonium kind of love shit going and I don't wanna fuck that up, all right.

Randy: You can't be sittin' in the middle of the road drinkin'. It's against the law.

Julian: Guys, guys! Break it up! (runs into the middle of Ricky, Lahey and Randy arguing)

Ricky: You give me that beer back!

Julian: Ricky, shut up!

Mr. Lahey: This is drunk and disorderly!

Ricky: You owe me a twelve-pack of beer, asshole!

Julian: Ricky! Would you guys stop it!? Lahey, Lahey- Ricky get over-

Mr. Lahey: I do not believe how stupid these guys are. Like father, like stupid son.

Julian: Lahey-

[Ricky bumps into a beer box]

Mr. Lahey: What?

Julian: Lahey, get him off the street.

Mr. Lahey: We've been trying to get him off the damn street.

Julian: Well, get him out of here. (pushes Randy away) Go mow some lawns or something, you greasy bastard.

Ricky: Hey Lahey, you want a smoke? (holds the cigarette to his waist) 'Cause I got one right fuckin' here for you, buddy-boy.

Julian: Ricky- (drags him away)

Mr. Lahey: You got one joke in your resitory, do you, Rick?

Ricky: (points to Lahey) You owe a beer (points to Randy) and you owe me a beer, you assholes!

Mr. Lahey: Come on, Randy.

Ricky: (off-screen) Don't you have some offs to fuck there, boys?

Randy: What?

Ricky: Fuck off!

[As he is forcibly being escorted from bank]:

Ricky: I've been sexually assaulted here! That man tried to abuse me at a party.

Bank Manager: No that's not true!

Ricky: He feels up men and women all over the place. He's an asshole!

Ricky: The thing is when you're shopping for a ring you gotta take your time because you know it's my wife we're talking about. She's not gonna be wearing one of those Cubic Zarcarbian things- she's gotta have a nice ring.*(While rummaging through stolen loot during a break-and-enter eating a cheese sandwich)*

Ricky: You know Jim or Jim knows you?

Cop: Jim.. Jim, my dad Jim?

Ricky: Jim's your dad? Oh yeah...he mentioned he had a son on the force.

Cop: Yeah?

Ricky: Yeah, him and my dad go way back!

Who The Hell Invited These Idiots To My Wedding?[edit]

Julian: Put your gun down! (to Ricky) It's us! It's us! It's us! (points his gun towards Cory and Trevor) Stop shooting, you dicks!

Ricky: Julian, what the fuck's going on here?! I just came her for smokes! What the hell's going on?!

Cory: Sorry dude, man, we didn't know.

Ricky: (to Julian) You're stupid, (to Cory and Trevor) you're stupid, (to Bubbles) you're a fuckin' idiot.

Bubbles: The fuckin' gun's broke! It's broken!

Ricky: You could've killed me back there! What the fuck?!

Julian: Ricky, shut up! (points to the survaillance camera) Ricky!

Ricky: Oh, for fucksakes! (shoots down the camera)

Julian: Let's go, let's go! Everybody out!

Cory: Out of the way, dudes.

Trevor: Aw, shit. (picks up a bag of chips)

Ricky: I'm never fuckin' speaking to you guys again.

Julian: Get in the truck, Ricky!

(Cory and Trevor start putting the food in the truck)

Bubbles: Come on, move!

Julian: Come on, boys!

Ricky: What's with all these fuckin' bananas?!

Trevor: I fucked up, Ricky. People like bananas.

Ricky: Fuck off, boys.

Bubbles: I have to get the cart in!

Ricky: Fuck off with the cart, Bubbles!

Bubbles: Come on! I'm not leaving this fuckin' cart!

Julian: Leave the cart!

(Ricky throws the cart away)

Bubbles: Come on!

Ricky: Get in the fucking truck! GET IN!

Bubbles: Jesus Christ!

Julian: Come on!

Ricky: You know, I may not have done all the right stuff in my life or done smart stuff, but guys, maybe I shouldn't be commenting here, but that was pretty fuckin' dumb, alright? You're robbing a fuckin' grocery store, you didn't even tell me, I'm fuckin' on video tape now firing handguns with no mask on! You guys are fuckin' dumb!

Julian: Ricky, would you calm down?

Ricky: No, I'm not gonna calm down Julian!

Julian: Calm down!

Ricky: I'm pissed off! (points to Bubbles) I'm pissed off at you, (points to Cory and Trevor) and especially you two dicks! You guys are really fuckin' stupid!

Julian: Ricky.

Trevor: Sorry, man, but you were shooting at us too.

Ricky: I'm drunk! I'm really drunk, and I don't need this shit!

Julian: Ricky! Would you-

Ricky: I'm gettin' married tomorrow!

Julian: Would you shut up?! Everything's gonna be cool! Trust me!

Bubbles: Can everyone just please stop it.

Julian: Oh, look what- you're making Bubbles cry, Ricky! Just shut up!

Ricky: I'm sorry, alright? I'm drunk.

Levi: You're all dressed up today.

Bubbles: Yeah. Got my tuxedo on. Hey, maybe you can fix my tie for me.

Levi: Yeah.

Bubbles: Tricked ya!

[Levi laughs]

Bubbles: It's not even real! 150 bucks for one of those real fuckers.

[while getting arrested at his wedding]

Ricky: Oh, for fuck's sakes. I can't believe this shit. Julian, look at this shit! My wedding's all fucked up! Frig off! This is bullshit! Julian, what the fuck's goin' on here? This isn't my fault. There's a lot more people here that are guiltier then I am, Trevor and Cory!

[while being taken away by the police]

Ricky: There's some illegal procedures going on here! I want this fucking camera crew arrested! I want you arrested for this. I want that sound man arrested. I want everyone arrested! Lahey, you're fucking going down for this, you jackass!

[brief pause]

Ricky: I'm pissed off over here!

Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

[Ricky and Julian in jail]

Ricky: For the first couple weeks that I came back to jail, I was still pissed off because, you know, they used all this documentary footage against us to convict us, and I was pissed off about the whole courtroom scene, and I shouldn't of defended myself, I know that now.

Season Two (2002)[edit]

What in the Fuck Happened to Our Trailer Park?[edit]

[Cat looking at Ricky]

Ricky: (to the cat) What the fuck are you looking at, huh? Don't fuckin' stare at me!

Bubbles: Ricky just waltzes in there and becomes the king of the carts. The fuck does he expect me to do for a living? What does he want me to do, go to EI and say: 'Hello there, I've been hauling shopping carts out of ponds and I've been doing it for 18 years...so give me a fuckin' cheque please.' That's not goin' to fuckin' happen. I haven't even paid into UI...EI, whatever the fuck they call it these days.

Mr. Lahey: (Drunk) Oooh, nice Mall-Cop uniform, Ricky!

Ricky: Don't even fuckin' start with me today, Lahey! I'm not in the mood.

Mr. Lahey: I beg your pardon; I was only a real cop. I was never an important Mall-Cop like you, Rick.

Ricky: Knock knock.

Mr. Lahey: Who's there, Rick?

Ricky: Somebody.

Mr. Lahey: Somebody who?

Ricky: Somebody whose ex-wife owns the fuckin' trailer park is the only reason you got the job as trailer park supervisor; 'cause you got fired from the police force 'cause you fucked up big time, but we're not gonna' talk about that, are we? And now, you're gonna get fired from this job 'cause you're nothin' but a drunk fuckin' idiot who can't even run the trailer park! You're drunk right now, I can smell the fuckin' liquor on ya' from here. Go away for 18 months to jail and everything goes to fuckin' shit, doesn't it, Lahey? Let your little buddy with the no fuckin' shirt move in with my girlfriend and ruin my whole fuckin' life; now there's fuckin' shit everywhere in this fuckin' trailer park! Fuckin' idiot!

Bubbles: Somebody's got their hand on the cart then-Whoopsies! (as he "accidentally" drops the cart down the hill) and somebody comes along and picks it up later.

Jim Lahey Is a Drunk Bastard[edit]

Mr. Lahey: Listen, I was unaware that I had an appointment with you fine people today. As it turns out I have another engagement: I plan to get DRUNK!

[Ricky and Sam arguing]

Ricky: Knock knock.

Sam: Who's there?

Ricky: (gives Sam two middle fingers) Fuck off!

[Cory and Trevor are putting up signs for Sam Losco]

Julian: What are you guys doing?

Trevor: We're helping Sam.

Cory: Yeah man. We're gonna get a chance to screw Lahey over.

Bubbles: You guys aren't doin' well in the thinking department, are ya? Sam's a caveman, and he's a dick.

Ricky: And that makes you guys dicks, 'cause you're promoting him.

Trevor: He's gonna give us homemade hot dogs when we're finished putting the signs up.

Ricky: Well, I'm gonna give you some homemade fuck-offs right now.

[Ricky gives Trevor two middle fingers]

Ricky: Hey, Sam, knock knock.

Sam: ...Who's there?

Ricky: Get the fuck off the stage, ya idiot!

[Lahey comes on stage to say his speech]

Lahey: Test...test...test.

Donny: GET OFF THE STAGE, YOU DRUNK BASTARD!

I've Met Cats and Dogs Smarter Than Trevor and Cory[edit]

J-Roc: (to Randy) You better back off, you no-shirt, lawn-mowing, 15-cheeseburger-eating prick.

Ricky: I've met cats and dogs smarter than Cory and Trevor, in fact most cats and dogs are smarter than Cory and Trevor.

Julian: (to Cory and Trevor) What was the name of the bar where you guys put up those flyers?

Cory: Uh...The Empty Closet...Yeah that was it.

Julian: You guys don't have a clue, do you?

A Dope Trailer Is No Place for a Kitty[edit]

Ricky: It's a Catch-23 situation.

[Bubbles finds Ricky and Julian's dope plants in his burnt-to-the-ground shed]

Bubbles: Oh, I think that's yours, Ricky. Stupid f- (trying to hold back tears), stupid fucking dope plants!

Ricky: They're not dope plants, they're just...some vegetables we were growing.

Bubbles: (sarcastically) Oh yeah. Yeah, I fuckin' believe that, Ricky.

[Bubbles finds his bubble maker melted]

Bubbles: Oh, for fuck's sakes! Look at that! That's my fucking bubble maker! That was the only thing I had, that my parents gave me before they fucking deserted me in this shed, which I don't have anymore! Now it's just a big melted, fuckin' blob of shit!

Bubbles: (to the camera crew) You guys wanna see some shit? Come watch this.

[Bubbles fires his sling shot at Sam]

Sam Losco: What the fuck?

Bubbles: All right, arsehole, clean up this fucking garbage!

Sam Losco: Now listen, get your fuckin' cats off my property, or I'm gonna call Animal Control and have 'em all put to fuckin' sleep.

Bubbles: Oh yeah? You think you could do it if you're fuckin' knocked out? Huh?!

[Bubbles swings a pair of nunchucks at Sam]

The Bible Pimp[edit]

Tania: Have you read the Bible?

Bubbles: Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. What's it to you?

Hampton: Can you read, my son?

Bubbles: Well, that depends. Can you go fuck yourself?

Julian: I've had a lot of time to think about this, and I know Ricky and I really crossed the line. I just wanted to say I'm sorry, buddy.

[Julian hands Bubbles a jar of pickled eggs]

Bubbles: Yeah? Well, my whole life was in that shed, Julian. Did you and Ricky think of that before you barged in and burned the fuckin' thing right to the ground?

Julian: Come on. This is getting ridiculous.

Bubbles: Yeah, it is ridiculous, Julian.

Julian: Listen. Why don't you stop living in cars and vans and sheds and stuff and come stay at my place? A real home for once.

Bubbles: That shed was a real home, Julian. I loved that place. It was mine, it wasn't yours. You know what I mean? And guess what? I don't think I should be hangin' around with you and Ricky anymore either. Till you're done growing that dope. And don't think you can buy me off with a jar of those delicious things.

Mr. Lahey: Okay, boys. Rule number one: No living in a van in Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

Bubbles: J-Roc, you better straighten Panama Jack the fuck out right now.

J-ROC: Aight, here's what I'm talkin' about. You know'm sayin'? Know'm sayin'? Bubbles is renting this van for $12 a month. You know'm sayin'? That makes this mafucka an income property. You know'm sayin'? And once me and T get power and water goin' on, then this mafucka gonna fall under the same jurisdictions as every other trailer up in this ma'. You know'm sayin'? So why don't you and that fifteen cheeseburger-eatin', Rico Suave lookin' mafucka go on 'cause you ain't beatin' nobody! Peace.

[Tyrone laughs, slaps J-ROC's hand]

Tyrone: That's cold, man! That's crazy! Suave-Rico cheeseburger!

J-ROC: Oh, hang on.

[J-ROC leans his ear to Randy's gut]

J-ROC: Can I get fifteen half-eaten cheeseburgers to go?! You know'm sayin'?

Tyrone: Order me some too, man!

[Bubbles laughs]

Bubbles: Talking to his gut like it's a person.

[Ricky spots Julian with Tania across from his car]

Ricky: Julian? What the fuck's he doin' here? Julian what's this bullshit?! Fuck.

[Ricky and Julian get out of their cars]

Ricky: Why aren't you watching the dope plants? You asshole!

Julian: Calm down, Ricky. We're just grabbing some takeout.

Ricky: Takeout, my ass. It looks like you're on a date with cinnamon roll fuckin' head!

Never Trust a Man with No Shirt On[edit]

Electric Worker: Whoever did this is really stupid. You're dealing with a dangerous moron.

Randy: We know a guy who fits that description to a T, don't we, Mr. Lahey?

Lahey: We sure do. Call me crazy, but do guys who grow dope ever do this kind of thing?

Electric Worker: You're not crazy, I see it all the time. Guys bypassing the meters so the cops don't notice the surge in the power bills.

Lahey: Bingo.

Randy: Cops and dope don't mix, do they, Mr. Lahey?

Lahey: Like shit and strawberry shortcake, Randy.

Ricky: Randy, come back here for a second.

Randy: What's up, Rick?

Ricky: Listen man, if you go down to the store and pick me up some "ja-lap-ano" chips and $2 worth of pepperoni, I'll hang out with you for a bit.

Bubbles: Yeah, and get me some fuckin' Gummiworms and stuff.

Randy: Gummiworms, OK. Jalapeño chips. Pepperoni. You want anything, Julian?

Julian: (shakes his head no)

Randy: Does anyone else want anything while I'm down there?

Julian: (changes his mind) Yeah, pick me up a bag of jalapeno chips.

Randy: All right.

Ricky: Jalapeno? What flavor is that?

Julian: Ricky, the "J" is silent. You're saying it wrong.

Bubbles: The "J" is like an H, Ricky. "Hal-a-peeno," not "ja-lap-ano."

Ricky: What in the fuck are you guys talking about?

Bubbles: Hal-a-peeno. Hal-a-peeno. That's how you pronounce it.

Ricky: I know how to pronounce it! I ordered fuckin' ja-lap-ano!

Lahey: Alright, boys! Cease and desist! The cops are on the way to Number 1 Bonnyview, right now, with a warrant.

Ricky: Bullshit!

Julian: What are you talking about, Lahey?

Lahey: You know what a shit rope is, Julian? It's a rope covered with shit that criminals try to hold on to. You see, the shit kind of acts like grease. The harder you try to climb up, the tighter you try to hold on, the faster you slide down the rope, Julian. All the way to jail.

Ricky: This is private property. Get the fuck outta here. Have another drink, Lahey.

Bubbles: Holy shit.

Ricky: Great guys, what are we gonna do now?

Bubbles: I'm afraid of shit ropes. What is a shit rope?

Ricky: I don't know.

Julian: Meeting inside, let's go!

Bubbles: What's a shit rope?

Ricky: He's drunk. I don't fucking know.

Bubbles: Are we sliding down some sort of a shitty rope?

The Bare Pimp Project[edit]

[Bubbles as a lumberjack holding a camcorder, with a close up on his face, running through the woods breathing heavily stops]

Bubbles: UH UH UH...I ain't...I ain't never been so frisky in my entire life! UH UH UH!

J-ROC [off camera]: CUT!

Bubbles: How was that, J-ROC?

Ricky: I haven't seen Treena since her dysfunctional parents grounded her over something stupid.

Barb: How dare you speak to us like that!

Ricky: How dare you marry a money-hustlin' caveman.

Barb: I just popped over to tell you that Sam Losco proposed last night.

Jim Lahey: You gotta be kidding.

Barb: No. I think it's about time one of us tried to provide the girl with a stable family atmosphere where she doesn't feel like she has to pawn her bike or deliver pepperoni to drug dealers.

Randy: And you think that you're the perfect parent?

Barb: Randy, you know, when I want advice on cheeseburgers or not wearing a shirt, you're the person I'll come to.

Bubbles: What kind of trouble can I get in for driving you guys with all this dope and these guns and all the crazy bullshit?

(cuts to Cyrus and Sam being arrested by police officers)

Ricky: It's not a big deal, Bubbles, don't worry about it. We got in a little bit of a gun fight, I got shot a little bit, it's no big deal. A bit of dope to get rid of. We're fine.

(cuts back to the boys)

Bubbles: I don't know, Ricky. I heard that, you know, you could get in a lot of trouble for having that much dope and guns.

Julian: Bubbles, you'll just get a slap on the wrist, man. Everything'll be cool. You might get a fine or something, I'll take care of it, I promise.

Bubbles: But you guys will get in big trouble.

Ricky: It's no big- We've been in a lot worse shit than this, Bubbles. This was nothing. (sees a helicopter in the distance) What the... aw, fuck! Great, a heli-fucking-copter!

Bubbles: Oh, God!

Pilot: Bravo-Tango One, we have the suspects heading north on Highway 103, in a Bronco pulling an Airstream trailer. Suspect is leaning out of the vehicle.

Ricky: (leans out the window) Get the fuck out of here! There's nothing to see here! Leave us the fuck alone! We're just on vacation! I'm calling the cops 'cause you're flying way too fucking low, you assholes! (gets back in the vehicle) Fuck, this sucks right now.

Julian: This is going to be cool, boys. We're gonna get away with this. Don't worry about it.

Ricky: Fucking Cyrus. Fucking Sam.

Bubbles: There's a helicopter behind us!

Ricky: No shit! Just keep driving, we'll lose it in the trees up here or something.

(cuts to a cat standing in the middle of the road)

Bubbles: Is that a kitty on the road?

Ricky: I need a fucking-

Bubbles: THERE'S A KITTY ON THE ROAD!

Julian: NO!

Ricky: DON'T DO IT!

(the vehicle swerves violently, causing it to crash)

Bubbles: (gets out of the vehicle) Boys, come on! She's gonna blow!

Ricky: Son of a bitch!

Bubbles: Come on, Ricky!

(Ricky and Julian get out of vehicle)

Pilot: Vehicle has crashed. Repeat, vehicle has crashed. Suspects are on foot.

Ricky: (to Bubbles) I'm never getting in a vehicle with you again!

Bubbles: I'm not gonna run over a kitty to save your dope, Ricky! (hides behind a bale of hay)

Julian: Come one, boys. Let me think.

Season Three (2003)[edit]

Kiss of Freedom[edit]

[Ricky slams on the brakes in front of the bank]

Bubbles: (to camera) Did you see that fuckin' skid?

[Ricky lights a cigarette in the bank]

Bubbles: Ricky, you can't fuckin' light up in the bank!

Ricky: I can do whatever the fuck I want now, buddy! I'm rich as fuck now! Thirty-eight grand in unmarked bills, I don't give a fuck!

[standing in line in the bank]

Ricky: I grew the fuckin' dope, it's my fuckin' money!

Bubbles: You can't scream 'dope' out in the bank.

Ricky: Dope! Dope! Dopety-fuckin'-dope-dope!

Bubbles: Here's security.

Ricky: Fuck.

Julian: Nice. Listen, I can walk out on my own, guys.

Bubbles: Perfect!

Julian: I can explain this.

Ricky: Fuck off, salamander head! Give me my fuckin' cigarette back! Fuck off! Let go of me!

Bubbles: Everybody calm down! We're leavin'!

Ricky: Holy fuck that's good pepperoni!

[Ricky pulls up next to Randy and Lahey]

Ricky: Hey, guys. Don't want any trouble. Just got out of jail, I'm a new man. I got lots of money, all right? So I don't want to start any bullshit. What I do want is a brand-new double-wide trailer. The nicest one you got.

Lahey: That'll cost you, Ricky.

Ricky: Yeah? Well, here's a thousand dollars down, for hook-up fees and six month's lease up front.

Lahey: Where the hell'd you get that kind of money?

Ricky: I got lots of money, Lahey.

[Julian rolls past in a new Ford Mustang convertible, stereo thumping]

Lahey: Oh, I get it. Never mind.

Ricky: Lahey, I've got my own money, all right? I got lots of it in an endless supply. I want a double-wide trailer by 5:00 tomorrow or I'm calling Barbara. Simple as that.

Lahey: Ricky, I'm not hauling anything in this park unless I get $5000 down.

Ricky: Believe me, I'd give you the money right now, but I don't trust either one of you fuckronauts.

Lahey: Yeah? And I don't trust you, shitbat. Collateral, Rick, or no trailer.

Ricky: Fine. I'll give you some collateral. Why don't you go around and tell everybody in this park that I'll kiss your bare ass if I don't have the money by five o'clock tomorrow. That's some fuckin' collateral, isn't it?

Randy: You'll kiss his bare ass?

Ricky: That's what I said, dumbass.

Lahey: Ricky, that would mean that you'd agree to play by Sunnyvale Trailer Park rules. You willing to put that in writing?

Ricky: Gimme a fuckin' pen!

Lahey: Get a lease agreement, Randy. Special clauses. Rick?

[Lahey hands Ricky a pen, Ricky gives Lahey a twenty dollar bill]

Ricky: That's for the pen. And you know what? I get out of jail, I try to start things off on the right foot. And you wouldn't do that, would you? So I'm gonna pay you $100 to fuck off. Leave me alone. Just give me my trailer and fuck off.

Bubbles: Well, Ricky's been living in the Shitmobile for...I don't know how many years now. Julian gave it to him when he had no place to go and...Ricky goes on about it, you know, how much he hates the fuckin' thing, but he's lived in it so long I think he really...he'd really miss it if he didn't have it.

Ricky: There's a lot of history, you know, in this car. I've been living in this car and its been a big part of my life, but...You know, it's fucked me around quite a bit. Sometimes it stalls on you and it doesn't work right. You get to need to go somewhere and it's like 'No, you're not fucking going anywhere because I'm gonna fuckin' stall on ya' and it pisses you off!

Bubbles: It was Julian's grandmother who owned it originally and she left it to Julian. And that's probably how most of the damage got done because she used to drive around here drunk all the time, smashing into poles and stuff. You think Julian goes around with a drink a lot, you shoulda saw her.

[the Shitmobile stalls out]

Ricky: Yeah, you know what's comin', don't ya? You know what's gonna happen to you tonight!

Bubbles: You know, he's always kicking it and being mean to it, but he loves that ol' Yorker. (unwraps a Tootsie Pop) Purple.

Lawyer: I suggest you turn that camera off right now. If I see my face on TV or reproduced in any way, I will sue.

Lucy: This is the guy, right here. The guy in the track suit.

Ricky: Who in the fuck are you?

Lucy: He's a fucking lawyer, Ricky.

Ricky: And I'm a fuck off-er.

Lawyer: Richard, hi, I've heard so much about you. (hands Ricky some papers)

Ricky: What the hell is this?

Lawyer: Well, I guess you could call it a bill for being an asshole.

Ricky: You better watch yourself, buddy. Bubbles, give me a hand with this reading stuff, please? (hands the papers to Bubbles) A lot of big words there, man.

Bubbles: Three years' child support payments you owe, Ricky.

Ricky: Child reports? What? Now you got suit dummies makin' up big fancy word papers about me being a bad father because I'm rich now? This is bullshit, Lucy! I'm not a bad father am I, Trinity?

Lucy: Ricky, a good father doesn't go to jail every year, OK?

Ricky: Some do!

Lawyer: I think you'll find those papers in order, Richard. See you in court.

Ricky: (over megaphone) Think you're so big with your little suit and all your little college readin' and stuff like that. Go fuck yourself! Lucy, you better not be bangin' him!

Ricky: Trevor and Cory, what the fuck are you guys doing? I spent two grand on fireworks and I want to see some fuckin' fireworks! Come on!

[standing on the hood of the Shitmobile with fireworks going off behind him]

Ricky: All right everybody, fuck it! We're gonna get drunk, we're gonna eat donairs tonight! And I plan on getting drunk as fuck tonight! Drunk as fuck!

Julian: So, Luce, can I ask you something?

Lucy: Yeah, what?

Julian: What's up with this lawsuit thing?

Sarah: Look, Ricky doesn't even understand what child support is, Julian. He doesn't get the fucking concept.

Lucy: I figure that a lawsuit will sorta clear his head a little, make him a little bit more responsible.

Sarah: No, I don't fucking think so. The only way Ricky is gonna get any smarter is if he dies and comes back as a turnip. He just keeps on getting stupider, Julian.

[Bubbles is vacuuming the dirt off of Ricky with a Dustbuster]

Ricky: Just a second, buddy.

[Ricky walks into Bubbles' shed to pee]

Bubbles: Ricky, Jesus. You might want to close the door.

Ricky: (to camera crew, drunkenly) Hey, stop fuckin' filming me in here.

[The camera crew zooms in on Bubbles]

Bubbles: The fuck are you filmin' him pee for?

Ricky: Turn off the fuckin' camera.

[Bubbles starts vacuuming Ricky's back while he pees]

Ricky: (to camera) Fuck off.

[after knocking Cory and Trevor off Julian's ice cream bikes]

Ricky: Tripped 'em up with a hockey stick, no big deal, and fired a few shots at them. the way I see it I bought the bikes, I own 'em. Just like owning a target. You shoot at that, I shot at the bikes. Then Julian's got this attitude and fires a bullet at my brand-new car! Real nice! So I fired a shot at his new car. Spy for a spy, that's the way it works around here.

Mr. Lahey: All right everybody, clear the area! Hand over the weapons, Bubbles.

Bubbles: Go fuck yourself, Lahey.

Ricky: Well, I think somebody has been talking to Trinity and they've misleaded her around and basically they said that, you know, I'm drunk and stupid all the time, which isn't the case. Once in a while I get drunk, once in a while something comes out of my mouth that may not be the smartest thing in the world, but she shouldn't be worried about growing up drunk and stupid like me. That's not gonna happen. She's already smarter than me, you know, and she's only like 9 years old.

Lahey: Where's the five grand, Ricky?

Ricky: It's right here, Shitler.

Saleswoman: Hello? Hi! Excuse me? Um, I'm looking for a 'Ricky'? I have his encyclopedias.

Ricky: Trinity, come with me. Daddy bought you some encyclopedias so you can get smarter and you won't be stupid like Daddy when you get older!

Saleswoman: Hi, sweetie!

Ricky: So what's the damage?

Saleswoman: Well, with tax it is $4,728.33, and that is the cash price.

Ricky: What? For a bunch of fuckin' books?

Saleswoman: Well, if you don't have it that's fine, but I have to tell you, that's a one-time price only...

Ricky: Oh no, shhshhshh no no no...I've got lots of money, I've got the money right here. What are they, fuckin' printed in gold or something? Jesus Christ!

Lahey: Is that all the money you got, Ricky?

Ricky: Well, I got...I thought I had more than this. I could sell some stuff, Lahey. I'll have your money tomorrow. I gotta do one thing at a time here.

Lahey: Well, well, well. What's it gonna be, Rick? You gonna buy the trailer? Or are you gonna kiss my bare ass right now in front of all these good people?

[Ricky looks at Trinity, then gives the money to the encyclopedia saleswoman]

Cory: Oh my God, he's gonna do it, dude! Holy shit, it's ass-kissin' time, man! Right on!

Trevor: You deserve this, Ricky!

Sarah: My God, Lucy let's... let's get Trinity out of here right now.

Lucy: Ricky, you did the right thing.

Ricky: Let's fuckin' get this over with, Lahey.

Lahey: (unbuckles his belt) It would be my pleasure, Ricky!

Ricky: Jesus Christ...

Lahey: Pucker up, boy! (pulls his pants down)

Randy: Make it a quick one, Ricky!

Ricky: Bite me, Randy.

[Ricky takes a big haul off of a wine bottle, gives Lahey a peck on the ass]

Randy: That's enough!

Trevor: I can't believe he did that!

Cory: Damn, that's sick, dude!

[Ricky spits]

Trevor: I can't believe he did that! That's friggin' gross, right?

Lahey: (barely containing his laughter) Well, I guess I won that one, Rick!

Randy: Yeah, I hope you enjoyed that, Lahey.

Julian: Leave him alone.

Bubbles: Nobody really knows Ricky the way I do. I just hope he's all right after putting his lips on Mr. Lahey's bum.

[watching an episode of The Littlest Hobo]

Ricky: Every stop I make, I make a new friend...

Temporary Relief Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor[edit]

Ricky: I haven't stolen a 10-speed in over 2 years.

Bubbles: Well, when I was a little guy, I always wanted to go up into space, be a spaceman. But you gotta be able to see really fuckin' good to do that job. Some guy would take one look at me and say...'Uhhh, sorry sir, you gotta be able to see a little better than that.' I don't give a fuck.

Ricky: Knock knock.

Bubbles: Who's there Ricky?

Ricky: A bootlegger...a bootlegger in the park and I hope it's not you that's doing it...'cause that would put me in an awkwardly situation

Julian: Putting you in an awkwardly situation?

Ricky: Yeah, I work for Lahey now. I just hope it's not you, Julian.

Julian: Well, of course it's me that's doing it, you bonehead!

Randy: You better be careful with my walkie, Ricky.

Ricky: It's my walkie now, Randy. You got suspended, remember? So fuck off.

Randy: It's still my walkie!

Ricky: I guess you didn't hear what I just said. First thing I said was "it's my walkie now", second thing is "you're suspended", and the fourth thing was, "fuck off".

Mr. Lahey: Strike 3, Ricky. It is my duty and pleasure to inform you that you are fired. Give me your walkie.

Ricky: I'm not fired, I fuckin' quit. You want your walkie back? No problem. Here Randy, you can go fuckin' get it.

Mr. Lahey: Ricky..

[Ricky throws Randy's walkie into the vodka pool, Bubbles laughs]

Randy: You just crossed the line, Ricky!

[Randy attacks Ricky, they tackle each other into the vodka pool, spilling it]

Donnie: WHAT IN THE FUCK!?

If I Can't Smoke and Swear, I'm Fucked[edit]

[Trinity runs up to Ricky's car, where he is sleeping on the hood.]

Trinity: Daddy, wake up! Wake up, Daddy, wake up! Wake up! It's time to put my patch on, hurry up, Daddy!

[During a 'confessional']

Ricky: Trinity has got to quit smoking, like I can't have her smoking anymore, it's ridiculous. She had the idea that maybe me and her can quit together, and it's kind of like a good father-daughter thing, so we're going to quit together, we're going to go on the patch.

[Ricky is training Cory and Trevor to steal gasoline.]

Ricky: Unleaded: blue container; supreme: red container; diesel: in the green. OK? Are we clear here, guys?

Trevor: Yeah, but how can you tell which one is the supreme?

Ricky: (Breathes out heavily) What, are you stupid? You fucking taste it. Unleaded tastes a little tangy, supreme is kinda sour, and diesel tastes pretty good.

Bubbles: Stealing gas? Why, Cory and Trevor, that's highly illegal, you shouldn't be stealing gas, Cory and Trevor.

Ricky: Yeah, it's fucked up to be stealing gas like Cory and Trevor, I don't want anything to do with Cory and Trevor's gas stealing.

J-ROC: Only wack suckas like Cory and Trevor steal gas...and deal dope.

Ricky: Simply went in to buy some patches for my daughter and all of a sudden my gun was out, which is no big deal, and he overreacts, freaks out, thought we were robbing the place. It's on fuckin' video camera, so since it's on video camera I decided that we should take a bit of shit. If we're gonna go to jail for robbing the place, I mean it's...[a dog starts barking in the background] Will you shut the fuck up, dog! [the dog yelps] gonna be, you know, in a place that looks like you robbed it, you might as well take some shit. That's the way it is. I'm not going to jail for not taking anything, for robbing a place. So we took a bit of stuff!

Judge: Richard, since you chose to defend yourself and fire the public defender, I guess it's your turn to question the witness.

Ricky: Thank you, Your Majesty.

Judge: And Richard, before you begin, I'd like to say that I think this is a very bad idea. However, you do have a right to defend yourself, so proceed, but please remember to watch your language.

Ricky: Look, I can't speak without swearing, and I've only got my Grade 10, and I haven't had a cigarette since I've been arrested, and I'm ready to fuckin' snap. So I'd like to make a request under the people's freedom of choices and voices act that I be able to smoke and swear in your courtroom. Because if I can't smoke and swear, I'm fucked! And so are all these guys. I won't be able to properly express myself at a court level, and that's bullshit! It's not fair and if you ask me, I think it's a fuckin' mistrial.

Prosecutor: This man can't represent anyone...Your Honor! He's a complete and total idiot!

Judge: Now although I am opposed to that kind of language in my courtroom, I'm going to allow it, as unfortunately it is part of your right to a fair trial. So you may proceed, but please, I want to remind you that this is not a carnival. Richard, you have permission to smoke and swear.

Ricky: Thank you. I just gotta get some cigarettes, actually.

[Ricky walks over to the prosecutor's desk and snaps his fingers]

Ricky: Let's go, smokes!

Prosecutor: But I've only got two left!

Ricky: I don't care. You've been a dick all morning. It's the least you can do for me!

Prosecutor: Oh, for the love of God...

[Several members of the prosecution start to light cigarettes]

Judge: Just the defendant, please.

Ricky: My first order of business is to tell the prosecutor to shut the fuck up and wipe that stupid fucking grin off his face because it's distraculating my case.

Ricky: The defense rests, everybody can fuck off. Except you (points to the magistrate) I didn't mean you. But those two guys, and him (pointing to the prosecutor). (to cameraman) Could you guys get the fuck out of the way? Please!

J-ROC: There's two things mafuckas gotta know about J-to-the-R-O-C, straight up, you know what I'm sayin'? First of all, I spin more rhymes than a Lazy Susan and I'm innocent until my guilt is proven. Peace. Representin' Sunnyvale, straight the fuck up.

Who's the Microphone Assassin?[edit]

[Bubbles' Rap]

I got a grey kitty,a white one and a tabby too/

And a big orange guy who PUT snakes in my shoes/

Mad MC skills, leave ya struck, and I roll with ma kitties, and I'm hard as fuck/

I am down with Plato and Socrates/

And I like to get busy with all the ladies./

cunt, cunt/

somethin', somethin', somethin', somethin'/

Grunt/

Up in my SHED, up in my shed...yeah bitches

J-Roc: Turn that shit off, motherfucka! I was gettin' changed, you knowemsayin'?! I don't want that shit on TV!

Bubbles: Turn that thing off, he's pullin' his goalie!

Ricky: Turn off the fuckin' camera. (to J-Roc) What the fuck are you doing, J-Roc?

J-Roc: I was gettin' changed, mothafucka!

Ricky: Changed my ass, you were fuckin' crankin' it!

J-Roc: You non-knockin' mothafuckas!

Ricky: That was fucked.

Bubbles: That was a bit fucked.

J-Roc: It wasn't that fucked, you knowemsayin'? I was gettin' changed. What's goin' on?

Julian: Listen man, I got some good NEWS for ya... get cleaned up and meet me back at the flea market.

J-Roc: A'ight. (pats Bubbles' shoulder with the hand he 'changed' with) Peace, Bub.

Bubbles: Don't touch me.

J-Roc: You ma-fuckas ain't gonna tell nobody that I was getting changed, right?

Bubbles: No! Christ, no.

Closer to the Heart[edit]

Ricky: Helix was a wicked concert. Fuck, I sold a lot of dope at that concert. I mean, they had good lyrics like, "Gimme an R-O-C-K", and the crowd yells "ROCK" really loud. Now that's a fuckin' concert!

Bubbles: I'm not GIVING anyone a fuckin' R.

Ricky: Rush just don't do stuff like that. They got these lyrics about how trees are talking to each other and how DIFFERENT sides of your brain works, or outerspace bullshit.

Bubbles: Gimme a fuckin' R...

Bubbles: Lahey, will you please get the flyin' fuck out of our way! We gotta go get RUSH TICKETS!

[Ricky DRIVES the Shitmobile through the garbage]

Randy: Ricky!

[Bubbles gives Lahey and Randy the finger to the opening riff of "Limelight"]

[Randy over phone/radio after stealing Bubbles' answer and winning the Rush radio contest]

Randy: Holy fuck, Mr. Lahey, we won!

Ricky: What the fuck are you guys doing HERE? You following us or something?

Cory: Yeah, sorry I was following you, dude. But I have a brilliant idea, man. If we take dope and sell it at the Rush concert, we can sell it for double the price and make a ton of loot, man! It works every time. Can you hook us up?

Ricky: That's a good idea, guys. I got a little bit of dope here for you.

[Ricky feigns opening the glove box, then pulls out his hand with a middle finger raised and sticks it in Cory's face]

Ricky: There's no fucking dope in town, you idiots!

Trevor: Julian, you gotta be able to get some dope. We'll take the cruise MONEY and double it up, man. We can do it!

Julian: All right, boys. Here. Get us all some Rush tickets.

[Julian gives Cory a handful of cash]

Cory: Nice!

Ricky: You SURE about this?

Julian: I want the change back too, boys. Don't fuck this up!

Cory: That's cool.

Julian: I think I can get us some dope, man.

Ricky: Where the fuck are you gonna get dope?

[Ricky walks up to a cop with a drug dog in a parking GARAGE]

Ricky: How's it goin'? You guys got a package for Cory and Trevor Lahey?

[Another cop walks up, Ricky gives him money, the cop with the dog takes a big bag of pot out from under the dog's harness and hands it to Ricky]

Ricky: Fuck, I hate buying dope from cops, man. They way overcharge every time. It doesn't even feel like a pound.

Bubbles: Ricky, you fuckin' promised me you'd get me a Rush ticket!

Ricky: It wasn't my fault, Bubbles. I'm sorry!

Bubbles: It is your fault! This could affect our friendship, you know!

Ricky: Bubbles, don't talk like that!

Bubbles: COCKSUCKER!

Bubbles: Julian, this isn't about the money, you know. Don't you guys ever THINK of the music? That's what this is about. Remember 'Closer To The Heart'? Remember how good the fuckin' concert was in '87?

Ricky: That was awesome, man. Remember we got kicked out during 'I Like To Rock'? Then we wrecked the Dartmouth ferry? That was fuckin' wicked!

Bubbles: That was fuckin' April Wine, Ricky, but that was a good fuckin' concert.

Julian: Don't do anything stupid, Ricky.

Bubbles: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah. He PROBABLY won't do anything stupid, Julian.

[Ricky walks up to a hotel front desk with a beat up old guitar]

Desk Attendant: Welcome to the Prince Elliot.

Ricky: How's it goin'. I'm Alex Lifeson's personal guitar tech and I gotta take this up to his room right away. Can I have the key, please?

[Ricky walks into room 2112 quietly and sneaks up on Alex shaving in the bathroom]

Ricky: Most rock stars are supposed to be really approachable and really fun and easy to TALK to, but for some reason, Alex wasn't.

Ricky: I need four tickets to your concert right now. We can do this the easy way or the hard way.

Alex Lifeson: LOOK, look, I'm not a ticket agency, I'm sorry. I can't help you with the tickets.

Ricky: You can't give me four tickets to your concert?!

Alex Lifeson: I'm sorry.

(voice-over)

Ricky: He's just one of these guys that, 'Hey, I don't want to TALK to anybody,' and 'I'm a big fancy rock star,' and 'You can't talk to me!' So, it pissed me off.

(end of voice-over)

[Ricky starts wrapping Alex up in duct tape]

Alex Lifeson: Hang on a second, man! Hang on!

[Ricky leads Alex down the hallway in his robe, duct-taped and ankle-cuffed]

Ricky: Let's go. No fuckin' around HERE. You say a word about this and I'm gonna tell everyone you sexually assaulted me.

Alex Lifeson: Come on, give me a break!

Ricky: Come with me, just take it easy. We're just gonna go for a little ride.

[They walk into the lobby]

Ricky: HOTEL Security! This man's drunk as fuck, he's on drugs, he's a male prostitute. I'm gonna escort him out of here!

Ricky: I may have called him a male prostitute. I don't remember exactly, but he VERY well could be a male prostitute. You don't know that. But he got pissed off at me, saying 'Oh, you kidnapped me!' It wasn't kidnapping, so if he's gonna say I kidnapped him, I'm gonna call him a male prostitute.

Alex Lifeson: Where are we?

Ricky: The fuckin' best trailer park in the goddamn world, right here. Good people, good friends, and we're gonna see a little show. Look, the first thing I want to do is to make it clear, this is not kidnapping, okay?

Alex Lifeson: This is totally kidnapping.

Ricky: This is not fuckin' kidnapping!

Alex Lifeson: This is fuckin' totally kidnapping.

Ricky: I'm borrowing you for a little bit to play a little concert back at the trailer park!

Alex Lifeson: I don't do that KIND of stuff!

Ricky: Look, you're in a rock band! You should be used to this KIND of shit!

Alex Lifeson: Can I tell you something? You're a fuckin' mental case!

Ricky: What the fuck are you talkin' about?

Alex Lifeson: You are crazy!

Ricky: It's not my fault you're this big fuckin'...

Alex Lifeson: You're gonna go to jail for a long time for this.

Ricky: No, I'm not going to fuckin' jail, believe me. This isn't kidnapping. I'm borrowing you for a little bit, alright?

Bubbles: Oh, no big deal at all. Ricky just went and "stole" a human being!

Ricky: It's like a little rehearsal. You play a couple of songs then you can go back to your little dreamworld or wherever the fuck it is you do with yourself all the time, playing your fuckin' big guitar in front of people.

Julian: Hey, buddy.

Ricky: Julian! I came THROUGH, buddy! Where's Bubbles?

Julian: He's at the vet. Don't tell me you got tickets...

Ricky: I got better than tickets. Check this out.

Julian: Ricky... Ricky...This...You're from Rush.

Ricky: Yeah, it's Alex Lifeson. Alex, this is Ju... ah, Gord, uh, Downie. (to Julian) This is Alex. Hey, play 'I Like To ROCK'.

Alex Lifeson: That's April Wine.

Ricky: Well, play that Diane Sawyer song! Just fuckin' play somethin'!

[Julian walks Alex out to a cab]'

Julian: I'm sorry about all this shit, man.

Alex Lifeson: OK. It's all right.

Ricky: Fuck that! Don't EVEN worry about him!

[Julian pushes Ricky back while Alex tells the cabbie where to go]

Ricky: Fuckin' shove me...

Alex Lifeson: (to cabbie) I'm going downtown.

Ricky: You got enough money? Here's another $1.36 there, dicktree.

[Ricky throws the coins at his feet, Julian helps him pick them up]

Alex Lifeson: I can't believe I'm picking this stuff up!

Ricky: Just get the fuck out of here, wouldja?

Julian: You fucked up big time.

[Alex GIVES Ricky the finger as the cab drives off]

Ricky: (to Alex) Yeah, fuck off.

Julian: Ricky, Ricky, don't be giving him the finger.

Ricky: He fuckin' started it.

Julian: No, you fucked up big time this time, man. You wanna go back to jail? Because it looks like you do. Huh?

Ricky: Julian, look. I fucked up and I'm sorry, alright? You got a better IDEA?

[The boys walk to a manhole wearing garbage bags]

Ricky: This is fucked up, Julian.

Julian: Look boys, I'm sorry, alright? The security's a little tight. This'll be fun man.

Bubbles: This is not fuckin' fun, Julian! This is bullshit!

Julian: You wanna see Rush, Bubbles?

Bubbles: Yes, I wanna see Rush.

Julian: Get down there. You want me to go next?

Bubbles: Please. What if SOMETHING gets me?

Alex Lifeson: Sorry, Randy? I got this T-shirt for you to wear tonight on stage, DURING the guitar changes?

Randy: No thanks, Alex. I don't wear shirts.

Alex Lifeson: Oh, no. You gotta wear a shirt. Please.

Randy: Never do.

Mr. Lahey: Randy doesn't wear shirts, Mr. Lifeson. That's just the way it is.

Alex Lifeson: Well, Mr. Lahey, maybe you can talk him into wearing this shirt.

Mr. Lahey: He doesn't wear shirts, not even in the wintertime.

[Notices Ricky, Julian and Bubbles walking towards them]

Mr. Lahey: How did you idiots get in here?!

Bubbles: [to Alex] Hi, Alex.

Ricky: Don't worry about it, Lahey.

Alex Lifeson: Hey, I know this guy.

Bubbles: See this, Randy? When somebody like Alex Lifeson gives you a fuckin' t-shirt to PUT on, you're puttin' the fuckin' thing on. I don't CARE if you don't wear shirts.

Randy: I don't wear- [Bubbles attempts to put the t-shirt over Randy's head] frig off!

Mr. Lahey: Randy doesn't wear shirts!

[Bubbles struggles to get Randy to wear the t-shirt while the other try to pry him off]

Mr. Lahey: [To the SECURITY guards] Take the garbage downtown, boys.

[The guards drag the boys away]

Donny: [off-screen] WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

[Alex is in his dressing room, playing Red Barchetta]

Ricky: What the fuck are you doing wearing my clothes?

Alex Lifeson: Oh, not this asshole again! What are you doing with my clothes?! (to Julian) I THOUGHT we had a deal here! No cops?

Ricky: Just give me back my fuckin' clothes.

[Randy walks into the room and sees Ricky, Julian and Bubbles]

Randy: Alex, we're on in four...

Alex Lifeson: Oh, great.

Randy: I'm fuckin' tellin'!

[Randy RUNS out of the room]

Ricky: You fuckin' asshole!

Randy: Mr. Lahey! Bubbles, Julian and Ricky snuck back in!

Ricky: Fuckin' dicks...

Alex Lifeson: Guys, please. Gimme a break, HERE. I gotta get back on stage, I gotta get out of these stupid track pants and into my clothes right now!

Ricky: What the fuck's wrong with track pants?

Where in the Fuck is Randy's Barbecue?[edit]

Mr. Lahey: Yeah, Julian? Jim Lahey here. Yeah, Public Idiot No. 1 has gone one step too far. We're in the eye of a shiticane here, Julian.

Ricky: (attempts to take the phone out of Lahey's hand) Give me the fuckin' PHONE.

Mr. Lahey: Ricky is a low-shit system-

(Ricky takes the phone out of Lahey's hand)

Ricky: Julian, this is Ricky. Lahey's snooping around my fuckin'- ah, this fuckin' thing. (throws away the phone)

Julian: Randy, a lot of barbecues look alike. You're probably on drugs or confused or something like you usually are.

Mr. Lahey: Julian, I'm collecting paperwork and when I get enough, I can evict anyone in this park. You, Ricky, even little Bubbles here. And you KNOW why? 'Cause you all signed on the dotted line. I'm watching you, Julian. Like a shithawk. (to Bubbles) Like a shithawk. Come on, Randy. (walks off screen)

Bubbles: Julian, what's a shithawk? Some KIND of a shitty bird that swoops down and puts poop onto ya or somethin'?

Julian: Bubbles, shithawks don't exist, okay? He's just drunk. Don't listen to him.

Bubbles: Well, can he boot us out of the park like he said he could?

Julian: No, he's just being a dick. Listen, man. There's no way this operation's gonna draw heat, okay? I promise you that. Everything's gonna be cool. Just keep up the good work, man. Don't worry about him. (walks off screen)

Bubbles: Yeah, everything'll be cool. Just like it's cool every other time you promised me and you go back to jail and I'm LEFT here by myself with shithawks flyin' around, shitropes comin' after me. Shitty this and shitty that.

Bubbles: Check this baby out...that there's called the Super Double Bunk BQ...built that myself...like to see that Red Blue Green cocksucker put one of THOSE together...Duct-taping it.

Bubbles: Ricky, those laws are there to protect kids, not to allow goofballs like you to put them in a car with no door on it and drive around the fuckin' neighbourhood stealin' barbecues!

Ricky: What in the fuck are you dressed up like a bumblebee for? And why do you LOOK like Indianapolis Jones?

Mr. Lahey: It's none of your goddamn business, Ricky. If you must know, Randy and I were rehearsing for a play for the Blandford Recreation Centre next Thursday.

Randy: No! Mr. Lahey, we weren't rehearsing for a play.

Mr. Lahey: We were practicing, Randy.

Randy: It's not Halloween, we're not doing community theatre.

Mr. Lahey: Randy...

Randy: We're consenting adults. And what we do in the privacy of our own home is...is fine, Mr. Lahey.

Mr. Lahey: (quietly) Randy, please.

Randy: And I don't CARE. I don't care if the whole world knows that we like to dress up, that we like to have some fun...and that, we're a couple. Hey everybody! We're gay!

Ricky: (shocked) What?

Randy: Say it, Mr. Lahey. It feels great.

Mr. Lahey: Alright Randy. We'll do it your way. Everybody...I'm gay.

[The camera leans to a shocked Bubbles, who awkwardly turns away]

The Delusions of Officer Jim Lahey[edit]

Randy: I'm making Mr. Lahey some comfort FOOD. I picked these buttercups and froze them in ice cubes, I saw it on "Designer Guys"... great show!

J-Roc: Hey look T, it's Starsky and Gut!

J-Roc: I gotta question for you if you know what I'm sayin'. Free Willy, do cheeseburgers ever blow out of that blowhole of yours?

A Shit Leopard Can't Change Its Spots[edit]

Ricky: The fastest WAY TO GET MONEY is to steal a bank machine. It doesn't take rocket appliances.

: Well Rick, looks like you cooked your shit goose this time, doesn't it?

Mr. Lahey: See this LINE?

[Lahey draws a line across the ground with a stick]

Mr. Lahey: That's the freedom line, Ricky. You come back over that line, and you go to jail.

Ricky: Uh? Like what, like this?

[Ricky continuously goes back and forth over the line]

Ricky: Like that? Am I going to jail now? Huh?

Ricky: Once a criminal, always a criminal, huh? That's what everybody thinks? Cause if that's the case, I might as well just march my ass back to jail. Where it's nice and warm. I'm gonna spend the fuckin' winter there, getting drunk and stoned, with good dope.

Mr. Lahey: Is that the end of the great Sunnyvale Trailer Park eviction speech, Ricky?

Ricky: Actually, it's not. Hope you're fuckin' proud of yourself, cause the end of my speech is POINTS middle finger at Lahey) fuck you, (points middle finger at Randy) fuck you, (points middle finger at Erica) fuck you, (points middle finger at Julian) fuck you, fuck everybody!

Julian: Ricky, don't worry about this stuff, okay? Cory and Trevor, they're going to get the money. So smarten up, man. Enough of this crazy shit, Rick.

Ricky: You just don't get it, do you?

Julian: What?

Ricky: Have fun on your little cop cruise, all right? Just remember what you gave up: A fuckin' guy that you could get drunk with, get stoned with, didn't ask any fuckin' questions about nothin', just hang out and have a good fuckin' time. We broke the law here and there, we made what we did to get by. Just remember, you gave that up for a fuckin' girlfriend, buddy. A fuckin' cop girlfriend. I KNOW I won't forget it. Thanks a lot. (to Bubbles) Sorry, buddy. You have a good time on the cruise. You deserve it. Everybody else can fuck off!

Bubbles: That was a good speech, Ricky.

[Ricky stops at a gas station with a cigarette]

Jacob: EXCUSE me, sir. Could you please step 20 feet away from the pump and extinguish your cigarette?

Ricky: Can you please fuck off? Thank you.

[Ricky stops at a Tim Horton's parking lot and climbs on top of his car, trying to get arrested]

Ricky: Hey everybody! Come on over here, please? [Ricky grabs a few people's attention] I just want you guys to know that I am drunk as fuck, driving around town drunk, I'm on dope, and I want you to call the police. I wanna go back to jail. Please? [Ricky pulls out his handgun] Not only that, but I got a loaded hand gun right HERE. I'm gonna start firing this off. So please call the cops. [Ricky fires two shots as the people run away]

Ricky: "Closed for renovations"?! This is fucked!

[Attempting to distract Ricky]

Bubbles: Holy fuck, have you guys ever tried that dope-flavoured rum?

"The Darkest One" music video by The Tragically Hip (2003)[edit]

[Featuring the Trailer Park Boys]

[Video opens with Bubbles & Julian running over to Ricky who is passed out, face down in the driveway.]

Bubbles: Ricky! Ricky! Ricky, get up!

Julian: Ricky, get up!

Bubbles: Ah, he's drunk as hell, Julian! We gotta go steal a motor, Ricky.

Ricky: What the fuck are you talkin' about, Bubbles?

Bubbles: Gord's gonna give us some CHICKEN if we get him a new motor.

Ricky: How much chicken?

Gord: One bucket.

Ricky: One bucket, are you fucked in the head? I can easily fuck over like 10 pieces of CHICKEN...not one bucket.

Bubbles: Oh, we didn't know you meant one bucket. I can eat a fuckin' bucket myself.

Ricky: Alright, here's the deal...I want two buckets of chicken...I want some gravy, mashed potatoes, fries...

Bubbles: Yeah, macaroni salad...

Julian: Chocolate cake...

Bubbles: Warm buns, butter, coleslaw...

Gord: One... bucket.

Ricky: TWO buckets of chicken and a drive to the liquor STORE.

Gord: Deal.

Season Four (2004)[edit]

Never Cry Shitwolf[edit]

Bubbles: J-ROC! Listen, Julian got out of jail early, he doesn't even know we're growing weed. I gotta create a distraction, J-ROC. Can you please let me say we got this car for him as a present?

J-ROC: Bubbles, this is my brand-new whip, ma-fucka! Don't do that to me, you KNOW what I'm sayin'?

Bubbles: Come on, J-ROC! I'm in a jam. I got an idea... Two grams of blonde Lebanese hash?

J-ROC: Let me check this shit out...

Bubbles: (drops the hash) Shit! HANDS J-ROC the hash) Check that out.

J-ROC: Bubbles, that ain't even blonde, you know what I'm sayin' ma-fucka... (smells the hash)

Bubbles: It's dirty blonde, though! Look, it's got blonde streaks into it, it's Lebanese...

J-ROC: All right, B. Don't say I didn't have your back, you know what I'm sayin'?

Bubbles: Julian, I'm craving some Chalet take-out. Come on, my treat?

Julian: All right, all right!

Bubbles: And then we're gettin' drunk, all right?

Julian: Okay, THANK you!

Tyrone: Man, Bubbles, man, I would like some CHICKEN, man. Get me a quarter CHICKEN dinner, extra gravy.

DVS: Fa sho'. Quarter chicken dinner, french fries, onion rings.

J-ROC: Chicken-rib combo, extra roll, B.

Bubbles: Boys, boys, come off it! This is distraction chicken I'm buying Julian!

J-ROC: Oh, so now I'm like, 'you got my whip,' you know what I'm sayin', 'but I ain't got no chicken!'

Mr. Lahey: Look, you might have my job now, Ricky. But I got something you'll never have.

Ricky: Yeah? What's that, Lahey?

Mr. Lahey: My Grade 11.

[Bubbles walks up to Randy while playing guitar drunk]

Bubbles: (singing) Fuckin' Randy's GUT, it's full of dirty little cheeseburgers...

[bottle kids are walking down the street]

Ricky: (honks horn) Get over here you little f... NO NO NO NO NO! Don't throw bottles at me! Don't throw bottles at me ever, OK? NOWlisten up. I want you to hit lot 423, hit it hard, OK? You guys know what flaming shit bags are? Good. Throw some of those in the mix. I got two big bags of chips. I'll give you one now and one when you're done. Move it out, boys. (bottle kids run off) He can stick his Grade 11 up his ass.

Mr. Lahey: Are you really this fucking stupid?

George GREEN: Let's talk about stupid, Jim. I'm gonna put this in a way that even someone like you can understand. Remember the story of the little boy who cried wolf? In case you forgot, he was a little boy who cried for help because he said there was a wolf after him. Each time the people of the village came running, and each time there was no wolf. Eventually they got really TIRED of it. So when he calls for help because there's a real wolf after him, nobody takes him seriously. Nobody comes, because nobody cares. Do you see where I'm going with this, Jim?

Mr. Lahey: George, I know it looks like I'm off the-

[George interupts him]

George Green: Listen. What we have here, Jim, is a shitwolf. Do you know what a shitwolf is? You never seem to have that crucial little thing called evidence. But each time you cry shitwolf, and each time I come running. No more, Jim. Never again.

Mr. Lahey: G-

[George interupts him AGAIN]

George Green: Now, I want you to tell me what the moral of the story is.

Mr. Lahey: George..

George Green: No. Say it Jim. Say it.

Mr. Lahey: Never cry shitwolf.

A Man's Gotta Eat[edit]

Danny: (off-screen) FOR FUCK'S SAKES RICKY, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH THE SATELLITE?! I PAID TEN FUCKIN' DOLLARS! I WANT MY FUCKIN' SATELLITE SIGNAL! JESUS CHRIST!

Ricky: Danny, chill the fuck out! I'm fucking trying HERE, it'll be back up in a bit!

Danny: FUCK YOURSELF!

Ricky: Calm the fuck down!

Satellite Employee: Look, if these satellite dishes aren't down in ten minutes, I'll have no choice but to CALL the cops.

Julian: Ricky, get the dishes off my roof. (to the employee) Listen man, I just got out of jail, don't be calling the cops.

Satellite Employee: Dino, take 'em down now!

Julian: Ricky, get the dishes off my roof!

Bubbles: Dino, call Mr. Slate.

(Ricky STARTS to pull the dishes off the roof)

Bubbles: Aw Jesus, boys. Look out, I know what's comin'.

(Ricky throws the dishes off the roof)

Satellite Employee: What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Ricky: I'll take every fucking one of these down on the fucking ground, is that what you want, you fucking retards?! You THINK I give a fuck about this stupid bullshit?! (throws a dish at the van's windshield)

Bubbles: That windshield was already cracked.

Ricky: [shoves a dish into the van through the broken windshield] There. They're in the fucking van, now leave.

Danny: TEN FUCKIN' DOLLARS! A MONTH!

Bubbles: Swish is this old, dirty, shitty-tastin', homemade fuckin' liquor that you can... oh, you can barely get her into you, but... my fuck, does it ever get you some drunk.

[Ricky approaches Bubbles while he's playing basketball]

Ricky: Bubbles, you REALLY fucked up this time, didn't you?

(Voice over)

Ricky: Well, Bubbles only plays basketball when he's really pissed off and stressed out so I knew it was a delicately situation that I approached, and, you know, I approached him like an adult.

(End of voice over)

Ricky: How'd you let things get so fucked up, anyway? You KNOW I can't do it, I'm stupid.

Bubbles: What the fuck did you just say to me, Ricky? How did I let it get fucked up? You know what? You can take your assistant trailer park supervisor job, and all your EI papers, illegal mortgages, VISA statements, and all that other bullshit that I'm involved in POINTS to Ricky's ass) and stick it right in there.

(voice over)

Bubbles: I told him to stick his JOB and all the papers and everything up his arse, and he didn't even know what I was talkin' about, and then I said Julian left and it's his fault and he still didn't know what I was talking about, so I just got pissed off and I quit.

(End of voice over)

Bubbles: I'm fuckin' quitting, that's it.

Ricky: Fine, fine, go ahead and quit, I don't care. But I can't give you your vacation pay until we GET PAID, you know that, when we grow the dope and we harvest it, then we get paid.

Bubbles: Well you can give me some chips in the meantime!

(Voice-over)

Bubbles: He owes me 260 bucks vacation pay, he won't fuckin' pay that so I figured a handfull of chips wasn't too much to ask.

(End of voice over)

[Bubbles grabs some chips from Ricky's bag]

Ricky: Put HALF of those back.

Bubbles: I'm actually takin' more, Ricky!

[Bubbles grabs more, Ricky pulls the bag away]

Ricky: Fuck off, Bubbles, seriously!

Bubbles: (showing Ricky the chips) Look at that.

(Voice-over as Bubbles eats chips)

Bubbles: They were chicken chips, and I don't even like those, but I don't GIVE a fuck.

(End of voice over)

Randy: You looking for a date? 10 bucks or 6 Dairy Queen coupons.

Ricky: Here's a little PIECE of hash, go to the stove, do some hot knives, get stoned, and get to work.

Randy: I can't get stoned, Ricky

Ricky: What do you mean? It's shitty work, everybody does that, all right? Carpenters, electricians, dishwashers, floor cleaners, LAWYERS, doctors, fuckin' politicians, CBC employees, principals, people who paint the lines on the fuckin' roads. Get stoned, it'll be fun, get to work.

Julian: You're not prostituting yourself for cheeseburgers again, are ya, Randy?

Randy: Man's gotta eat, Julian.

Ricky: (to a drunk, homeless Julian) You gotta come back to the trailer park right now. I got A JOB for you, it's gonna be perfect: Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor.

Julian: (laughs drunkly) Assistant.

Ricky: That's right, buddy. 4600 bucks a year. Bubbles quit and I could use a hand. I'm gonna straigten all the shit out man, things are gonna be cool.

[Randy overhears]

Randy: Hey Ricky, I'm LOOKING for work!

Bubbles: Fuck off, Randy!

Ricky: How's it going, Randy? Did you get everything done?

Randy: Almost. Are those my burgers, Ricky? That's my burger, right?

Ricky: No, Barb made these for me.

Randy: I want my friggin' burger, Rick!

Ricky: Randy, I'll get yours later. You didn't finish your JOB.

[Randy tries to take the burger out of Ricky's hand]

Ricky: Fuck off Randy!

Randy: Fuck you!

Ricky: You get the fuckin' CHICKEN chips-

[Randy grabs the burger and tries to eat it as Ricky starts choking him]

Ricky: Fuckin' asshole! Give me that back you fuckin' dick! Let go of it! Stop grabbing it!

[Lahey sees Ricky from his back view, making it look like Randy is trying to PERFORM oral sex on him]

Ricky: Get your hands of it! Get your fuckin' hands of it!

Randy: IT'S MINE!

Mr. Lahey: [in shock] Smokey!

[Lahey trips and accidently shoots the arrow towards Ricky and Randy]

[Ricky gets shot in the back of his shoulder with the arrow]

Ricky: [in pain] Fuck! What the fuck?! Ah, Jesus Christ!

[Ricky takes out his gun and STARTS shooting aimlessly]

Danny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Julian: What are you doing?! Give me that!

Ricky: I'm trying to shoot whoever fuckin' shot me!

Mr. Lahey: Randy, how could you do that?

Ricky: Jesus Christ!

Randy: Do what?

Mr. Lahey: What you were doing with Ricky?

Randy: I wasn't doing anything with Ricky.

Ricky: Is that a fuckin' bow and... You fuckin' shot me!

Mr. Lahey: It was an accident, Ricky. I was trying to shoot a blue jay.

Ricky: I'll show you a fuckin' blue jay!

Julian: Ricky, it was an accident! Listen, you can CALL the cops on Lahey for getting shot with an arrow, but he can call the cops on you for firing a handgun out in the trailer park. They cancel out.

Ricky: That doesn't EVEN make sense, Julian.

Julian: It's even, Ricky.

Ricky: I don't have the right people words to make you understand the way it means to me, but something's fucked up here!

Bubbles: Hold still, Ricky.

[Bubbles lightly tries to pull out the arrow]

Ricky (in more pain) AGHHHH! FUUUCK!

Julian: Get outta here!

[Julian pushes Ricky away as he grunts in pain]

Randy: Ricky, you owe me two double cheeseburgers for cleaning up Julian's trailer!

Ricky: I NEVER said doubles, Randy! I never said fuckin' doubles! Where's my chocolate milk and chicken chips?!

Julian: Rick, go home!

Ricky: (to Randy) Fuck you and fuck your cheeseburgers!

Bubbles: Everybody calm down! For fuck's sakes! Is this all about cheeseburgers?!

Randy: Yeah.

Bubbles: Well, Randy, I've got burger meat and cheese at my SHED. I'll cook some up for you on the barbeque if that'll diffuse the situation.

Rub 'N Tiz'zug[edit]

TV Narrator: The Sasquatch: Fact Or Fiction?

Ricky: Those big hairy monsters, they're real, Trin. Look at that thing.

Trinity: No, they're not.

Ricky: What person ever moved like that in the history of people?

[Bubbles hears some rustling at his SHED door]

TV Narrator: ...is nocturnal by nature, so logically there would be relatively few sightings.

[Bubbles sees a hairy hand trying to unlatch the door of his shed]

TV Narrator: Yet there have been literally hundreds of sightings all across North America for generations now.

Bubbles: (mouths but does not vocalize) Oh my fuck! (grabs his PHONE and dials)

TV Narrator: Can all these people be wrong?

[Ricky's phone rings]

Ricky: Trevor, stop fuckin' calling me, I got no dope. Oh, hey Bubbs. Man, are you watching that documentary on Saskatchewans?

Bubbles: It's "Samsquamtch" Ricky, and there's one right outside my fuckin' door right now, he's trying to get into my SHED.

Ricky: (looks out the window to see the 'sasquatch' trying to break into Bubbles's shed) Holy shit, Bubbles, I see him. Don't scare him, those fuckers are worth a lot of MONEY. (cuts to Ricky sneaking up towards the 'sasquatch' and jumping on him) Got the cocksucker, Bubbles!

(Bubbles gets out of his shed and he and Ricky start hitting the 'sasquatch' with baseball bats)

Bubbles: Give it to the bastard!

Trinity: Get him, Daddy!

(the 'sasquatch' takes the bat from Bubbles)

Bubbles: Jesus, he took my bat. He took my- (gets hit by the bat) Agh! (raises his fist) Crank him, Ricky! (gets hit by the bat again)

Ricky: Bubbles, go get some tape, tape yourselves up, and we'll go steal some furniture for Mr. Fucking Selfish. Holy fuck, this cereal's good.

Bubbles: Boys, I feel like I got hit by a fuckin' dump truck. How much would a massage thing cost me, do you FIGURE?

Julian: Massage...

Ricky: Look, Julian, I know I'm dumb as fuck and stuff, but why can't we just steal more furniture and fill up these trailers with furniture and fuckin' open like a USED furniture store or some shit?

Bubbles: Used furniture store's not a bad idea, Julian. Keep Lahey and Randy distracted, make a few bucks...

Ricky: Exactly. Get two birds stoned at once.

Julian: We're gonna fill the trailers up with furniture all right, boys, but we're gonna RENT them out by the hour.

Bubbles: Aw, that's greasy.

Ricky: That's really fuckin' greasy.

Julian: Yeah, it's greasy.

Bubbles: Gree-hee-hee-heasy.

Ricky: Holy fuck boys! Cyrus #1!

[The boys start vandalizing Cyrus' car]

Bubbles: It says "Dick" and there's an arrow POINTING right to Cyrus.

Julian: What do you think, Bubbs?

Bubbles: Well, I don't know much about this stuff, Julian.

DVS: They're good hos, man. They're good hos, I'm tellin' ya.

Bubbles: What other choice do we have? He says they're good hos.

Julian: All right, all right, done. Three o'clock.

DVS: I'll see you then. I'll be waitin' here, with the hos, homie.

J-Roc: Peace out, slingblade!

Bubbles: It's not a sling, J-Roc, it's duct tape. Just get the hos!

J-Roc: Like, I'll go to fuckin' jail, you KNOW what I'm sayin', 'cause I'm hard, right? I ain't shook about goin' to jail. But it's like, I kinda like my freedom, too, at the same time, know what I mean?

Phil: What are you looking at my gut for?

[The drawers drop out of a dresser as they're stealing it from a hotel]

Bubbles: AW YEAH! WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!

Julian: J-Roc, where's this guy at anyway?

J-Roc: Chill out, Julian. Cyrus'll be here in a minute, ya KNOW what I'm sayin'?

Julian: Cyrus?!

Ricky: What the fuck are you doing working with Cyrus?

Cyrus: Well, well, well... (to Julian) If it isn't the big, tough Julianne, (to Bubbles) the Hubble-Bubble Telescope, (to Ricky) and Helmet Head.

Bubbles: (under his breath) Fuckin' call me a telescope...

Cyrus: Ladies! The boss is home. It's been a long time no see, dickweeds. (pulls a gun)

Ricky: Why don't you take your little gun and fuck off, Cyrus?

Cyrus: (chambers a round) Why don't we fuck on?

Cory: (walks out of the trailer) Julian, where's the hand cream?

Cyrus: (takes a man's bag of chips out of his hand) I KNOW one of you dickheads did this to my car, 'cause you're the only ones who know I failed Grade 10.

T: You failed Grade 10?

Cyrus: (points his gun towards the Roc Pile) Fuck off! (points to his vandalized car) And what's this, 'I'm a fuckhead'? Huh?

Ricky: Actually, it says 'I'm fucked in the head', 'cause you are.

Sarah: Ricky, where the fuck are Cory and Trevor? I said I wanted them back an hour ago.

Ricky: I don't fucking know, they went home two hours ago. They told me.

Sarah: Well, I don't have them, you must still have them.

Donny: GET YOUR HANDS OFF IT! I PAID FOR A LADY, NOT FUCKING CORY AND TREVOR!

Ricky: Randy takes his pants off when he wants to fight. He can't fight in tight pants. He's worried about ripping his precious little pants. So when the pants come off, LOOK the fuck out.

Cyrus: I bet one of you isn't even man enough, to knock this chip off my shoulder.

[Randy comes through the car door and marches up to Cyrus]

Randy: I am, Cyrus. And I'm more of a man than you'll ever be, you dirty bitch!

The Green Bastard[edit]

Julian: Listen, why don't you try focusing on the weed a bit more, OK? INSTEAD of being trailer park supervisor. You're fuckin' up, man.

Ricky: Sounds like someone's a little bit jealous about me being supervisor.

Julian: No, no, those plants are getting huge, Rick, OK? They're starting to scare me a bit.

Bubbles: I can't wait to start fuckin' hammerin' people! (shoulder-checks his shed door)

Bubbles: (as The Green Bastard) Boys! Green Bastard! Parts unknown! Cory and Trevor? Get the fuck in the ring!

Ricky: You LOOK good, buddy!

Bubbles: Green Bastard!

Ricky: You don't wanna move the cars? Fine, boys! Well, I'm just gonna start pissin' in this general DIRECTION and if this car's illegally parked, it might accidentally get pissed on! Everybody want to see some pissin'?

Barb: Don't! Richard!

[Ricky climbs on the hood and pisses on the car's windshield]

Barb: RICHARD!

Berney Sanford: My car!

Ricky: I fuckin' warned them three times, Barb, and they wouldn't listen to me! They don't even believe I'm the trailer park supervisor, all right?!

Barb: Gentlemen, I am so very sorry about this!

Lahey: You're right Berney, he's the epitome (pronounced "epi-toam") of refractory!

Ricky: Tell 'em, Julian! I'm the trailer park supervisor HERE! You guys won't believe me! It's bullshit!

Berney Sanford: Jim, let me take this one. Ricky, you and me. Come on! (grabs Ricky's arm and leads him away)

Ricky: What the fuck do you wanna talk about?

Berney Sanford: You'll find out! What you've just done, pissin' on my car, you have crossed the LINE with me! I've had guys throw barbecues at me, they've broke the windows out of my car, they've cursed and sworn at me! But the bottom line is: I ain't shook. (clenches his fist) 'Cause if the Right Hook comes out, crazy motherfuckers like you get knocked out. Don't be lookin' me in the eyes, boy! I ain't got no candy for you! No candy, except for the Right Hook.

Bubbles: (as The GREEN Bastard) Cory Braidhead... He gets him set up for the clothesline... URRRH! (clotheslines Cory) Oh my GOD! He fuckin'... Devastating! You all right, Cory?

Cory: Yeah, I'm fine.

Bubbles: I don't give a fuck, actually. (bodyslams Cory onto the mat) Get in here, Trevor! Come on!

Trevor: Forget that, Bubbles! I'm goin' home! (Cory sneaks out of the ring and they RUN away)

Bubbles: (puts his hand up for a high-five) Aw, come on, boys! Boys!

Donny: NO, YOU POUND SAND UP THE EYE O' YOUR COCK! CALM DOWN? YOU FUCKIN' CALM DOWN! WHO'S RUNNING THIS FUCKIN' TRAILER PARK?!

Conky[edit]

[opening monologue]

Bubbles: (talking to his cats) Listen up, guys. I need to TALK to you. I'm sorry I haven't been able to look after you properly lately, but there's just too many of yas around, your parents have been banging like crazy... There's just so many of you around right now and I've been losing FOCUS because I'm in a lot of fucking pain. But the pain I'm about to feel is nothing compared to what I've been feeling by neglecting you little guys. (sighs)

Ricky: (upon arriving at Bubbles' shed) Cory and Trevor are fucking lazy! At least if we ask Bubbles to fuckin' fertilize the plants we know it'll get done.

Bubbles: (moans)

Julian: Shh. Listen.

Bubbles: (distressed moan)

Ricky: What the fuck's he doing in there?

Bubbles: YOU COCKSUCKER!

(the door flings open and hits Ricky in the face)

Bubbles: Oh my God, what happened?

Ricky: Bubbles, you just broke my fuckin' nose!

[at the 1st Annual Sunnyvale Trailer Park Bake Sale]

Lahey: (to camera) U.N. president J. Edgar Hoover once said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do FOR YOURcountry."

Julian: Holy shit, Bubbles. Your face is fucked!

Bubbles: No, it's not that bad, Julian!

Julian: No no no no, you let that toothache go way too long. HERE...

Bubbles: I can get 'er out, it's no pr...

Julian: No, open up, let me take a look.

Bubbles: No, it's no PROBLEM!

Julian: Let me take a look! Open up!

Bubbles: Julian!

Julian: Bubbles, open up!

Bubbles: (opens his mouth reluctantly, moaning)

Julian: Oh, yeah. Your jaw is totally infected, man. We gotta take you to the hospital, buddy!

Bubbles: No fucking way, Julian! I don't go to the hospital, you KNOW that!

Ricky: You went to the hospital when you fucked your arm over fixing carts, Bubbles. You gotta go.

Bubbles: But, boys, I had Conky with me that time.

Ricky: Conky? Don't EVEN say that name! I hate that little fucker!

[explaining what "Conky" is]

Julian: In Grade 6, Bubbles made this puppet he called Conky.

Ricky: What a little asshole.

Julian: He took it with him everywhere. It was kind of like his confidant.

Ricky: His what?

Julian: Never mind. Anyway, we had to take Conky away because it fucked Bubbles' mind up big time.

Ricky: Yeah, it was like, EVEN though Bubbles was Bubbles, he was two people at the same time as being Bubbles. And you know, he'd try to act like this other person that wasn't Bubbles, but he was still Bubbles. It was... It was fucked.

Julian: Bubbles, Bubbles, Bubbles! I got something for you!

Bubbles: Oh my God! Conky! Conky! Where have you been? Oh my God! Oh my God, I've missed you! I thought you were dead for sure!

Ricky: (to the puppet) I thought you were dead too, you little bastard.

Conky: Luckily I don't need oxygen to live under water like you do... stupid!

Ricky: Julian, it's starting already. I'm telling you right NOW...(turns his attention back to the puppet) If you fuck with me, Conky, I'm gonna fuck with you. I'm outta here...

Julian: No no no...(pulls Ricky aside) Ricky, Ricky, I need your help here! We gotta get him to the hospital or he could go into a coma.

Bubbles: What?! A coma?! A coma? I'm going into a coma? Julian, I can't...

Julian: No no no, you're PROBABLY not gonna. You're gonna be fine, Bubbles!

Bubbles: What's it like in a coma?

Julian: Bubbles, why don't you ask Conky if it's OK to go to the hospital?

Bubbles: Conky, do you think...Do you think it would be a good idea for me to go to the hospital and get that fixed?

Conky: Well I think it might be a good idea to go on an adventure with Julian and...Ricky! (disturbed giggle)

Ricky: (to the puppet) Final warning there, fuckface. Final warning.

Nurse: Can I help you?

Julian: Yes, you can. My friend's got an abscess tooth. We need someone to take a LOOK at it.

Bubbles: No, we don't actually, Julian. Let's just get the fuck outta here. I'm fine.

Nurse: (to Ricky) I'm sorry sir, there's no smoking. (to Julian) And is this gentleman with you too?

Ricky: Yeah, I'm fucking with him. What do you MEAN, there's no smoking?

Nurse: (to Ricky) And what is your problem, sir?

Ricky: Well, now I can't smoke. That's my first problem. I got a busted nose which I now got a rag glued to, and a fucking truck glued to my hand. How's that for a start?

Conky: And he's fucked in the head.

Ricky: Conky-

Conky: He needs a brain transplant.

Ricky: (grasps Conky by his throat) I'm serious, you better fuck off.

Julian: (moves Ricky's hand away from Conky) Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.

Ricky: You've been fucking with me all goddamn day HERE.

Nurse: Sir, let's all calm down.

Julian: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Ricky: You wan't a PIECE of me, you little dick? Huh?

Julian: Ricky.

Conky: Don't you touch me.

Ricky: (punches Conky in the face) Stop fucking LOOKING at me, Conky

Nurse: What is the gentleman's first name?

Julian: Bubbles.

Ricky: Fucking dick.

Nurse: And what is his last name?

Julian: Uh... just Bubbles.

Ricky: Get the fuck away from me, Conky. Get the fuck away from me.

Nurse: Okay. And you gentlemen all live at the same civic address?

Julian: ( POINTSto Bubbles) He lives in my shed, (points to Ricky) Ricky lives in his car.

Nurse: Okay. Any health card social insurance numbers? Is there any information you can give me?

Ricky: I do have one last bit of information for ya. (sticks up BOTH middle fingers on both his hands, with the truck glued to his hand) This is called a double whammy, which I only bring out for special occasions, alright? So why don't you and your whole hospital fuck off, you won't help me. It's 'cause I live in a car? Is that what it is?

(the boys get apprehended by orderlies and are pulled from the nurse's desk)

Ricky : Fuck! Holy fuck! You guys can fuck off!

Julian: Guys, guys, guys, guys.

Ricky : The fuck is this shit?! I live in a car, you won't fucking fix me up or help my friend?

Conky: Nice going, Ricky.

Ricky : Fuck you, Conky.

(the orderlies throw the boys out of the hospital)

Ricky : Fuck!

Orderly: Crazy octo-eyed motherfuckers.

Conky: Frig off, Washington. (to Ricky and Julian) Are you happy now, Julian? Bubbles is gonna go into a coma and die probably, ya idiots!

Bubbles: Conky, please, just don't taunt...

Julian: Bubbs, Bubbs, don't worry about it. I'll get that tooth out somehow, alright?

Ricky: (pissing on the side of the hospital) Who can go fuck whose self? No, you fuck off, you little fucker!

Julian: Rick, who the hell are you TALKING to?

Ricky: Fuckin' squirrel on my shoulder just told me to fuck off.

Bubbles: Ricky, you're hallucinating!

Julian: (pulls Ricky away from the wall) Listen, get a hold of yourself, Ricky... Ricky, you just pissed on me!

Ricky: Well, you pulled me away!

Julian: Listen, just pretend you're on mushrooms, all right? Just go with it. Come on, let's go.

Randy: (while pouring Lahey a drink) Are you SURE you want to use the community fund for this, Mr. Lahey?

Lahey: The cat population in the park is Malthusian in scope, Randy. We have no choice.

[while waiting in the car for Ricky and Julian to get back]

Conky: Well, well, well! What do we have here? Jim Lahey's car is at the vet!

Bubbles: What's Lahey doin' here?

Conky: Why don't you go find out, Bubbles? Or are you too scared?

Bubbles: Conky, you better fuck off, I'm tellin' ya!

Conky: Fuck off? You just remember I call the shots here, Bubbles. You got it?

Bubbles: (submissively) Yes, Conky.

Conky: Good.

[at Sam Losco Veterinary Services]

Conky: Why don't you just off shoot your gun some more, very recklessly like... idiot!

Ricky: Did you just CALL me an idiot, Conky, huh?

Conky: Maybe I did... Reveen.

Ricky: All right, Reveen is taking it a little too far, all right? You little fucker.

Conky: He's the fuckin' man they call...

Julian: Don't say it, Bubbles.

Conky: ...Reveeeeen!

Ricky: That's it. I have fuckin' had it with you. (whips out his gun and points it in the puppet's face)

Julian: Ricky, you're pointing a loaded handgun at a puppet.

Ricky: Yes I am.

Julian: Behind the puppet is our friend. The bullet will go THROUGH the doll and kill Bubbles. GIVE me the gun.

Ricky: I gotta kill this puppet, Julian.

Julian: Ricky, give me the gun. Give it to me.

(Julian manages to get the gun out of Ricky's hand)

Conky: Oh, THOSE were excellent negotiation tactics you used... Patrick... Swayze.

Julian: That's not funny, Bubbles.

Conky: (sings to the tune of Unchained Melody) Oh my Julian, my handsome Julian Patrick Swayze, (Julian pushes Conky away from Bubbles' face) you were so fuckin' sexy in Road House and fuckin' Dirty Dancing.

(Julian raises the gun and shoots Conky in the face, blowing his head apart, but avoiding Bubbles)

Bubbles: Oh my God! Julian, what happened?

Julian: (hugs Bubbles) Sorry buddy, you were going crazy on us, man.

Sam Losco: Smoking much dope lately, boys? You guys are fucked.

Bubbles: Fuck off, Sam.

Ricky: Fuck, the cops are HERE, boys! I got an idea. It's pretty fucked up, but it might work, okay?

Bubbles: Is that dog pee?

Ricky: Yeah. Hold this, Bubbles. I say we got about a 10% chance of getting out of this one, boys.

George: (over loudspeaker) Attention! This is the police! Put down your weapons...

Ricky: Is that George Green, boys?

Bubbles: That's definitely George Green!

Ricky: Wicked! Okay, forget what I said! Our chances just went up to 95%!

[at Conky's "funeral" at the swamp]

Julian: All right boys, let's dump him in.

Bubbles: Wait, could I at least keep his glasses and his little sweater?

Ricky: No way, bad IDEA, Bubbles.

Julian: Come on, Bubs, let's go. (Julian leaves with a tearful Bubbles)

Ricky: (tossing Conky in his "coffin" into the swamp) Fuck you, Conky.

If You Love Something, Set It Free[edit]

[while searching for the "samsquamtch" that's been destroying their weed field]

Ricky: Bubbles, hold the bernoculars. If this thing's down there, Julian, I want you to shoot him, then I'm gonna jump on top of the cocksucker with a net and we're gonna have to beat him with everything we fuckin' got.

[Ricky turns his attention to the camera crew]

Ricky: I could need some HELP from you dicks, alright?

[Ricky grabs the microphone boom and brings the mic close to his face]

Ricky: You hear that there, Mr. Microphone Man? If we get this thing down in the net, you fuckin' jump in and HELP us!

[Ricky pushes the boom away from himself, causing the sound man to drop the boom]

Ricky: Friggin' idiot.

Crew Member: Frig off, Rick!

Ricky: Don't tell me to frig off. Thing attacks you, I'm not EVEN gonna jump in.

[Bubbles falls down while walking down a trail]

Bubbles: Boys, I slipped in poop! Bigfoot poop!

[Bubbles tries to catch a look at the bottom of his shoes]

Bubbles: Do I got Bigfoot poop on me?

[as they find the mountain lion that's been eating their weed]

Julian: Holy shit, boys, don't MOVE! So that's who's been eating our weed.

Ricky: You little fucker. OK, you guys stay HERE. I'm gonna throw the net on him, put him in a headlock, and choke him out.

Bubbles: Ricky, put the net down. You're not fuckin' choking him out.

Ricky: Why?

Bubbles: He's just a big kitty, boys. I can deal with this, I know kitties.

Ricky: What if he has radies?

Bubbles: Ricky, it's "rabies", with a B, not "radies." And he doesn't have rabies. He's been eating weed for a fuckin' month! He's baked out of his goddamn mind, I can tell just the way he's standing there. He only did that to Trevor because he had that leopard-print jacket on. See, he's just a big, stoned, horny kitty with the munchies! Trevor was eating chips, too! (pets the mountain lion) Who's a good boy?

Bubbles: You look kind of French with your little mustache, there. I'm gonna call you Steve French! That's a good NAME for you.

Julian: Bubbles, Bubbles, listen to me. This isn't a helpless little kitty. This is a dangerous fucking kitty. You know he's gotta go right? Remember the saying: if you love something set IT FREE?

Bubbles: I KNOW, I know. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. I've heard it a thousand times. But he needs our help right now, and the best thing to do is to get some weed in the fajitas, now let's do it.

Ricky: This is all I got left. I'm telling you right now, I'll give him some, but... I'm eating half those fajitas. You hear me there 'Steve,' or whatever the fuck your name is?

Bubbles: Steve French.

Bubbles: Julian, we found him!

Julian: Well, lock him in your shed, Bubbles.

Bubbles: He was down fucking around with Donny's garbage, then he pooped on the hood of Mrs, Peterson's car!

Mr. Lahey: We know there's a fuckin' animal in here, Ricky. The tracks lead right to shit town. What the fuck's goin' on?

Ricky: What the hell are you TALKING about, Lahey, you idiot... (throws Lahey's bow over the fence) Look, this is none of your fuckin' business. You know what? We all know what's going on here anyway. You're trying to fill my feet. Guess what, Lahey? You will never, ever be the fuckin' trailer park supervisor I was. Got that? (lights a cigarette) You're fuckin' losin' it, bud.

Mr. Lahey: You know what, Richard? You already lost it. It's gone, bud. Whatever it is, whatever you are... Gone. He who LOOKS into the abyss realizes that there's nothin' looking back at him and the only thing he sees is his own character, Ricky. You understand, bud? The abyss? The shit abyss?

Randy: Means deep stuff, Ricky. You wouldn't understand.

Ricky: What does it mean then, Randy? Huh? Fuck does it mean?

Randy: Oh, I UNDERSTAND it.

Ricky: Oh you do, do you? No you don't, because it's fucked. 'Cause everything you assholes say, you fuckin' take from books. Guess what? I don't steal anything from books. You guys, get the fuck outta here! (pushes Lahey into the car) Get the fuck outta here, I'm serious! (throws a net on Randy) And take your little net with you! (pushes Randy into the car)

Randy: Frig off, Ricky!

Ricky: Oh, we caught a little animal, there's a big fuckin' animal in the trailer park! Fuckin' dicks. Get the fuck outta HERE! (slams the car door)

Bubbles: Shit abyss, I'm not a-scared of a fuckin' shit abyss. Lahey's fucked.

Julian: Yeah, well, if Lahey sees Steve French and CALLS the Department of Lands and Forests, we're fucked, boys.

Ricky: What the fuck would the Department of Lands and Forests do?

Julian: Did you see the tattoo under Steve French's ear?

Ricky: No.

Julian: Well, there's one there and they use it for tracking, Rick. They'll be able to track him right back to our dope field. Cops, jail. Fuck jail. I'm not going back to jail, Ricky. Not gonna happen, man.

Ricky: Julian, don't be dissing jail, man. We've had some good fucking parties in there. We have good friends in there. They fed you, you USE their gym. Come on, don't be dissing jail. It's not fucking cool.

[the mountain lion chases Trevor into Lahey and Randy's camper]

: Trevor, what the hell are you doing in our trailer? (Lahey watches as the lion follows Trevor into the camper) Oh, shit! Trevor!

Randy: Stop, drop, and roll, Trevor!

: That's for fire, Randy!

Lucy: Ricky, get this cat outta HERE or I'm pressing charges. There are kids that live here, for God's sake. You KNOW, children, family?

Ricky: I know what fuckin' kids are, Lucy. And I'm a hell of a lot better father than you'll ever fuckin' be.

Lucy: You have no idea how stupid you are, do you?

Ricky: Actually, yes I do.

: The shit abyss.

Randy: Mr. Lahey, not another night of the shit abyss, please?

Mr. Lahey: Ah, fuck it.

Ricky: What's that fuckin' smell?

Julian: Keep driving, Rick.

Ricky: Steve, I know you didn't shit on my seat...

Julian: Nah, everything's cool, Rick.

Bubbles: Ricky?

Ricky: What?

Bubbles: Steve French pooped on the seat.

[After Bubbles EMOTIONALLY said goodbye to Steve French]:

Bubbles: Are you guys crying?

Ricky: [trying to hold back his tears] No, we're not fuckin' crying!

Propane, Propane[edit]

Sarah: Ricky. I just wanted to come and tell you that Corey and Trevor are NOW mine!

Ricky: Sarah I'm so SICK of your shit. I own Corey and Trevor and that's never going to fuckin' change!

Jim Lahey: Randy just doesn't understand. I mean I love him dearly but I hate Ricky more. I just don't wanna PUT up with that prick for the rest of my life. You know he grew up as a little shit spark from the ol' shit flint and then he turned into a shit bonfire and driven by the winds of his monumental ignorance he turned into a raging shit firestorm. If I get to be married to Barb, I'll have total control of Sunnyvale and then I can unleash the shitnami tidal wave that will engulf Ricky and extinguish his shit flames forever. And with any luck, he'll drown in the undershit of that wave. Shit waves.

Jim Lahey: *Drunk* Hey, Bubbles. I need a little (starts singing) Propane Propane. Time to start the game. Propane Propane.

Bubbles: Mr Lahey.. You're pissing yourself.

Workin' Man[edit]

Lahey: Tick-tock, tick-tock. Shit clock's tickin', Rick!

Rita McNeil: *singing "Working Man" while harvesting marijuana*

Ricky: What in the fuck is going on? Can everybody please shut up?

Bubbles: Ricky, you're FORCING Rita McNeil and her band to harvest dope at gunpoint. You could be a little fucking nicer!

Rita Mcneil: *handing a dope plant to Ricky* Here's a good one, dear.

Lahey: You are the dumbest cop on the force, George. The dumbest.

J-Roc: Ricky, what the fuck happend to your head, man?

Ricky: Fucking Lahey blew me up! What happened to YOUR head? Why you wearing a wig, J-Roc? That's fucked.

J-Roc: Yo I ain't J-Roc, that muthafuka's in jail

T: Yeah, that's not J-Roc, J-Roc's in jail till the album drops!

J-Roc: That's right, T.

Dear Santa Claus. Go Fuck Yourself (2004)[edit]

Lucy: Merry Christmas, Jules. Got you a little SOMETHING. A mistletoe belt buckle.

Lucy: (confessional) I made a special Christmas present for Julian. It's a... It's a mistletoe belt buckle.

Bubbles: You're supposed to smooch what's ever under mistletoe, so... It's not too hard to figure out what she's tryin' to say.

Ricky: There is NOTHING better than being in jail at Christmas. Guards let you party for twelve days straight, got no fuckin' work chores or book readin's or Christmas trees or giving gifts or fuckin' lights... Fuck all that bullshit! (To other prisoners) Let's get fucked up!

Guard: Ricky, you got somebody here to see you.

Ricky: What are you talking about?

[Bubbles is warming up as Ricky walks into the room]

Ricky: Bubbles! What are you doing HERE, buddy?

Bubbles: Hey Ricky! Julian bailed you out! You're out!

Ricky: What?

Bubbles: Get your stuff!

Ricky: No, Bubbs, no! I got twelve days of partying. Come back in twelve days, buddy.

Bubbles: Ricky, what are you talking about? Come on, we getting you out! Sign out!

Ricky: Oh my fuck! I don't wanna leave now! What the fuck's he doing bailing me out? Fuck! Thiebaud! Thiebaud, go get my shit. Apparently I'm out. Christmas is fuckin' ruined.

Ricky: I can't believe Julian bailed me out. I mean, he knows how cool it is in jail at Christmas and he ruined it anyways! Julian's up to SOMETHING, I fuckin' know he is!

[The guard getting Ricky's things out of a storage room passes out, knocking over a shelf with a crash]

Ricky: Jesus Christ. Dougie! Fuckin' Chris passed out again!

[Ricky walks into the storage room and grabs his coat, the other guard walks in]

Ricky: I told you man, he's drinking rum and smoking weed! KEEP him on the hash. Can't smoke weed and drink rum!

Ray: So tell me, buddy... What did you learn about being a man on the inside this time around, man?

Ricky: Dad, not this shit!

Ray: Not shit, Rick. I'm TALKING about your soul. And we're going to Midnight Mass tomorrow night too, boys, by the way...

Ricky: No...

Ray: Way it goes! What did you learn about being a man?

Ricky: Mostly just family stuff. I mean, well, a man is... is supposed to... always be thinkin' about stuff about his family and for to MAKEhimself to do things that are gonna good-er the family up-around and good-er it up. And that is what is a man.

Ray: Yeah. Yeah, no, you're, you're, you're right. But did you ever wonder why a smart guy like you is on this earth, Rick? Smart guy with a good soul, a guy who shouldn't be in jail?

Ricky: Dad, don't be dissin' jail. Seriously. Don't fuckin' dis jail.

Ray: I'm not dissing jail, Rick. I'm not dissing jail, buddy. I'm TALKING about your spirituality here, okay? Come on, spirituality!

Ricky: Dad, I write letters every year, you know that. I mean, I'm sending a letter off to the big guy tomorrow. So, it's taken care of. Done. No problem.

Ray: Huh?

Ricky: The letters... You and Mom got me to write them every year at Christmas. I'm sending one off tomorrow again.

Ray: To Santa Claus, Rick?!

Ricky: Yeah, the big guy.

Bubbles: The big guy?! The big guy? That's God, Ricky.

Ricky: Yeah, God. That's what I said. Santa.

Ray: Ricky, come on, you KNOW Santa and God aren't the same guy, right?

Ricky: Dad, you didn't know that? I mean, think about it! How would he get around the world in one night? Of course he's the same PERSON. Right, Bubs?

Bubbles: No, Ricky. Santa and God, that's two different things.

Ricky: What?...

Ricky: Oh my fuck! You know, I did maybe think that I fucked that up. I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to say anything just in case Santa was God. Like, it would obviously, probably, wouldn't it piss him off that I got that mixed up like that?

Ray: Ah, Jesus Ricky!

Ricky: But it'd piss him off!

Ray: Well, yeah, Ricky but... Man!

Ricky: You never mixed that up?

Ray: No!

Ricky: Bubs, you NEVER mixed that up?

Bubbles: No, Ricky. I've never mixed that one up. Ricky, wait NOW. Were you counting on Santa to bring presents to Trinity?

Ricky: Yeah. What, Santa's not coming now?

Ray: No! Rick, no.

Ricky: Well that's fuckin' bullshit! Well I've got no presents! What am I supposed to do? I need presents for Lucy and Trinity!

Ricky: Great! Christmas is fucked!

Julian: Boys, get these trees delivered! Come on!

Ricky: Hurry the fuck up, we gotta go down to the mall! Fuckin' nerds...

Bubbles: (laughs) Nerds!

Julian: What the fuck are you guys doing? Huh? Grab a tree! Both of yas! One each!

Cory: You want one of these ones, er...

Julian: Just grab a fuckin' tree!

Ricky: Hey! Nerds! Let's go!

Trevor: Julian, I can't get the tree out, it's stuck!

Ricky: You can't get the tree out because you're a nerd! Why is there TWO nerds carrying one tree?! One tree per nerd! God damn fuckin' nerds!

Randy: Hey! Do you like to party?

Barb: EXCUSE me?

Randy: Do you like to party?

Barb: Oh my God! Randal? Are you a male prostitute?

Randy: Barb Lahey?

Barb: You are. You're a male prostitute and you've been drinking!

Randy: No, I'm not a male prostitute! I work CONSTRUCTION down in Florida. I got time off for Christmas.

Barb: Randal...

Randy: Okay, I am a male prostitute and I've had a couple drinks.

Barb: Oh my God, you poor thing! Go on, get in my car and warm up. Do you like cheeseburgers, hon?

Randy: Simon?

Barb: No! No, this is Jim. And Jim, this is Randal. Well, Randy. He's gonna be staying with us for a little while. Just temporarily. I thought he could help you out around the park, you know, for a bit of food and a place to stay.

Lahey: Staying with us...

Barb: Well, yes. That is why I started the outreach program at the church! You just, um, you just MAKE yourself at home, Randy.

[Barb walks out of the room]

Randy: Simon, you're married?!

Lahey: Don't you say a fuckin' word! And don't call me Simon. Please never call me Simon, always Mr. Lahey! Always. Always!

[exterior transition shot of the park, a dog is barking]

Woman: Shut the fuck up!

Man: Brenda, you shut the fuck up!

Ricky: The fuck was that?

Bubbles: Take a guess! What are sirens USUALLY bolted to the roof of?

[Police officers arrive at the trailer park to confiscate stolen Christmas trees]}

Officer Cliff: Would anyone be willing to tell me who they bought their Christmas tree from this year?

Danny/Donnie: I DON'T KNOW... WOULD ANYONE HERE LIKE TO SUCK MY COCK?

Ray: Boys! Let's go. We have to get to church. Let's go.

Ricky: Dad, I can't go to church. Got a bunch of dope from jail and we're going down to the pool hall to MAKE SOME MONEY!

Ray: Ricky, it's Christmas. We're going to church. That's the way it goes.

Julian: Ray, I've got gifts to sell. I'm not going to church. I can't go to church...

Bubbles: I'm not going to church. I have no INTEREST in going...

Ricky: Dad, I gotta sell my dope...

Ray: WAY IT GOES! Way it goes, boys.

Lahey: If I can't play, Randy, no one can.

[Lahey shuts off POWER to the trailer park]

[Jamie puts a record on]

Jamie: Tyler, have you ever tried marijuana?

Tyler: I don't know, Jamie. Marijuana's pretty hardcore.

Jamie: No it isn't. Everybody's doing it. I THINK we should try it.

[Jamie lights up a joint as the power goes out; the sound of the record slows down to a stop]

Tyler: That sounded pretty cool.

Bubbles: My God, Ricky! I think it's a letter from my mom! (reading letter aloud) Dear Bubbles: Merry Christmas. Sorry we're not there with you. It was the hardest thing we've ever done, when me and your dad had to pack up and leave you, but some very dangerous men were coming after your daddy, for his gambling, fighting and shooting his mouth off, drunk down at the legion. We never wanted to PUT you into any jeopardy so we had to leave fast. Hopefully some day you'll understand. P.S.: I've asked Julian's grandmother if you could stay with them for a bit. She said no PROBLEM, Julian would look after you. You're lucky you have a friend like Julian and that Richard boy who you try to help out with his school work.

Season Five (2005)[edit]

Give Peace a Chance[edit]

Ricky: I saw Director's Cut, that was fuckin' awesome.

Bubbles: Ricky, that was Blade Runner: The Director's Cut. That's not the NAME of the movie.

Terry: Dennis, what the fuck is going on here?

Dennis: Terry, can you do me a fucking favour and just chill out a little bit? All right? Everything is under control. Fuck, j-just chill out for a bit. Just sit down or somethin'...

Terry: Don't POINT the fucking gun at me!

Dennis: Put the fucking guns down!

(As the boys continue arguing, Julian unintentionally POINTS the gun at their grandmother as she's walking by with snacks, unaware of-or ignoring-what's going on)

Dennis: Don't point the gun at my grandmother!

Julian: I'm just taking a look at it!

(Julian and Ricky are having a stand-off with Cyrus)

Cyrus: And give me those fucking guns too, boys! I gave those to Terry and Dennis for their birthday.

Julian: Guess what?

Cyrus: What?

Julian: (waves the gun in his face) This is my gun now, so fuck off!

Cyrus: No, you fuck off!

Julian: No, you fuck off!

Cyrus: No, you fuck off!

Ricky: Cyrus, you fuck of first and then we'll fuck off!

Bubbles: Ricky, just everybody- we'll all fuck off at the same time, calm down.

Ricky: I'm not fuckin' off.

Cyrus: Well then I guess we're at a fuckin' stand-still, aren't we Ricky?

Ricky: Yeah, I KNOW how to fix that.

Cyrus: How?

Ricky: Fuck off!

(upon seeing his shed piled with liquor bottles)

Bubbles: It's a liquorlanche!

Ray: Cory and Trevor fucked you guys over big-time, OK? That's what's going on. They fucked you over big-time. They took all your MONEY, it's all gone, you don't own the park, everything is fucking gone. They took everything, boys.

[brief pause]

Ricky: [dumbfounded] Dad, I don't know if I understand you right HERE. You're saying Cory and Trevor...th-they fucked up?

Ricky: (to Lahey when he says he's sorry) Oh, you're fuckin' sorry are you? What do you wanna do, play a big song on the Magdalene? (imitates someone playing a violin with a bow) You're fuckin' sorry? Bullshit you're sorry. (Ricky appears to be confusing a mandolin with Mary Magdalene).

The Shit Puppets[edit]

Ricky: I'm sick of looking after everybody. I MEAN right now, I mean, everyone's at my Dad's place. Fucking using my car. Now he's borrowing my fucking gun. It's bullshit. You know if he thinks he's better then me, wants to go down, take care of himself then good 'cause I don't want to look after him anymore, and I'll look after myself. And when he gets back here he's gonna see who...fuckin' looks after who...better than...the other person.

Bubbles: Lucy got fake boobs. I mean...its obvious. I don't mean I was staring at them, but I can't exactly control what direction my eyes go in all the time. I mean obviously she used our money to buy them anyway so, if you think about it, I sorta own one-third of them.

Ricky: ACTUALLY, Sarah, let's go with the milk.

Sarah: "Let's go with the milk"? What the fuck's that?

Ricky: Sorry...would you welcome me with a little bit of your precious milk, please? Is that better?

Sarah: Why, so that you can welcome yourself to all the cereal that I bought?

Randy: Why'd you let them go, Mr. Lahey?

Lahey: Because they're my little shit puppets Randy, PERFORMING in our shit play.

Randy: I don't understand, sir.

Lahey: You will, Ran. You will.

You Got to Blame the Thing Up Here[edit]

Ricky: Well I was plannin' on takin' the blame, cuz I MEAN there is a pretty good chance that I did it. Well, I mean I did do it. But Bubbles took the blame, so once someone takes the blame, whaddya do? I couldn't take it then, he had already taken it.

Ricky: Fuck off, dog.

Jim Lahey Is a Fucking Drunk And He Always Will Be[edit]

[Ricky is cooking bacon on the stove in Ray's burnt-down trailer]

Ricky: Hey, Dad!

Ray: Hey, buddy.

Ricky: Cookin' some bacon for you, buddy.

Ray: Smells good, buddy.

Ricky: There's only 3 pieces left, but I'll GIVE it to you so long as I can have the grease.

Ray: You can have the grease, buddy.

Ricky: Cool.

Ray: Bacon frying and the sparrows chirpin', Rick. It's all about the bacon and the sparrows, buddy.

Ricky: Dad, what the fuck are you talking about?

Ray: I'm TALKING about the sparrows, Rick. The sparrows in the Bible, buddy. You know, NOTHING to worry about. I'm not worried, the trailer's burned down, the sparrows aren't worried, nobody's worried.

Ricky: Sparrows are stupid, Dad. They don't give a fuck about anything.

Ray: Exactly my point, Rick. Maybe God forgives you for burning down my trailer, Rick. That's the point I'm trying to make this morning.

Ricky: Does ol' Goddy-boy forgive you for getting lap dances and playing VLTs?

Ray: I don't...What's your point, Rick? There's nothing wrong with playing VLTs and gettin' drunk.

Ricky: You want some fuckin' bacon or not?

Ray: Yes, Rick. I do. Rick, there's another POINT: We should be thankful for the bacon we're having this morning, because where do you THINK the bacon came from, Rick?

Ricky: From a cow.

[Bubbles smells the bacon cooking in his sleep]

Bubbles: Yes, can I order pancakes please...with syrup...and...butter...bacon...hash browns...toast...with...butter...

[A cat meows, waking him up]

Bubbles: Aw, fuck! That was gonna be delicious!

Ricky: Hey, Bubbs.

Bubbles: Hey, Ricky. Holy fuck that bacon smells good! Is there any extra?

Ricky: Only had a few PIECE, bud. I gave it to, ah, gave it to the old man.

[Bubbles looks to Ray, Ray shakes his head no]

Ricky: I'm doin' BREAD heels and grease, it's pretty good. You want half?

Bubbles: Of an old bread heel?

Ricky: Yeah, just dip it in the bacon grease. It's fuckin' awesome.

[Ricky holds out the pan, Bubbles reluctantly dips his half of bread heel in the grease]

Bubbles: You do it, too. You're not trickin' me, are ya?

[Bubbles takes a bite, a disgusted look crosses his face]

Bubbles: It's kinda fuckin' dry, Ricky. Have you anything to drink?

Ricky: A little bit left in that.

[Ricky HANDS Bubbles a burnt and melted plastic pint of liquor; Bubbles takes a sip and an even more disgusted look crosses his face, he hands it back to Ricky and Ricky downs the rest]

Ricky: You still pissed off?

Bubbles: Well, kind of.

Randy: I can't believe Trinity was throwing bottles, Mr. Lahey.

Lahey: Shitapple.

Randy: Well, it's... it's a little bit stressful, you know? I MEAN, Mr. Lahey's been doing really good. He hasn't had a drink since the day that he tried to kill Ricky and he had about 49 drinks that day. But lately, you know, he's been TALKING about liquor and calling me 'Bobandy' which he normally only does when he's drunk. So, just the thought of him drinking again, it scares the shit out of me.

[Over a DEPARTMENT store loudspeaker]

Ricky: Mr. Lahey and Randy to the Fuck Off Department. Mr. Lahey and Randy to the Fuck Off Department and hurry the fuck up! Thank you.

[After getting caught stealing a rocket kit from a department store]

Ricky: I want to press charges, number one, for the front door out there. It's dangerous and I could have been killed going into the store.

Mall Cop: You can press charges when the cops get HERE. They're on their way.

Ricky: All right, I will. We don't need to call the cops, I mean, you guys are smarter than real cops. You guys are mall cops! Why do we need real cops?

Ricky: The fake cheque trick works every fuckin' time. Basically, you figure out how much something costs, you just fill out one of the old man's cheques like this, and that way if you get caught, you just say everybody who's gonna pay. I mean, mall cops are REALLYdumb compared to real cops, it's gonna be easy. In the worst case Ontario, if you get caught, you just cancel the cheque. You never have to pay. It's awesome!

Mall Cop: All right, I'm gonna have to get some names, here.

Trevor: I'm Cory Lahey.

Cory: Um, Trevor Lahey.

Mall Cop: Are those your real NAMES, boys?

Trevor: Yes, sir.

Mall Cop: Are they really?

Trevor: No...I'm Trevor and he's Cory. We were lyin'.

[Bubbles finds a spacesuit in his rocket kit]

Bubbles: What's this? HOLY FUCK, a spacesuit! DEE-CENT!

Ricky: No way! Fuckin' decnals, man! Check those out!

[Julian brings a coffee cup and dog dish to toast with]

Julian: Drinks, boys! Drinks!

[Ricky takes the dog dish]

Ricky: Well let's make toast, boys!

Julian: To a good fuckin' time today.

Bubbles: This is a good time! (takes a drink) I'm gonna go PUT my spacesuit on boys, then lets get this dirty cocksucker in the air!

Ricky: Aw, man, that is fuckin' cool! Nice decnals!

Ricky: Bubbles, are you sure we gotta play space here? This is kind of stupid.

Bubbles: Come on, Ricky, LOOK at this! This is awesome! Mission control this is Commander Bubbles. I'm getting an NPS warning light on the link monitor control subsystem. I'm requesting reallocation to main OMS firing to CDS at level six, please advise.

Julian: Copy there, Commander. Reallocating there, Commander Bubbles.

Bubbles: Try some, Ricky!

Ricky: (sighs) Breaker breaker, come in Earth. This is rocket ship 27. Aliens fucked over the carbinator in engine NUMBER 4, I'm gonna try to refuckulate it and land on Juniper. Uh, hopefully they got some space weed, over... How's that buddy? I don't fuckin' know!

Bubbles: Ricky, that's not very good. Use space words, real ones, not talkin' about space weed!

Randy: Hey, boys! We got a complaint that someone was gettin' high and drunk and playin' space in the middle of the street!

Ricky: Yeah, US! I'm fuckin' stoned right now! You got a problem with that?

Bubbles: You guys wanna stay and watch? You wanna see a rocket go, Randy?

Randy: Does it REALLY launch, Bubbles?

Bubbles: Does it really launch? Does the Tin Man have a sheetmetal cock?

Ray: Randy, why don't you ask Jim where he's been for the last few nights between three and five or nine and eleven fifteen? Go ahead, ask him where he's going.

Randy: Well, he's playing bridge at the hospital, Ray!

Ray: Playin' bridge my arse! He's going down to the strip club gettin' drunk every night and tellin' EVERYONE he's off the booze. And you know why, Randy? Because Jim Lahey is a fuckin' drunk and he always will be!

[Randy grabs Lahey's WATER bottle]

Randy: Gimme a drink!

Lahey: Randy...

Randy: Gimme a drink!

Lahey: Let it go, Randy!

[Randy lets go of the bottle and it splashes all over him as Lahey pulls away; Randy puts his tongue to the liquid that spilled on his HAND]

Randy: It's vodka!

Lahey: 131-proof, straight up. I'm fuckin' wasted!

Lahey: You just opened Pandora's shitbox, Ray!

Don't Cross the Shit Line[edit]

Ricky: I mean...nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli...but...I did. I'm ashamed of myself. The first can doesn't count. Then you get to the SECOND and third. Fourth and fifth, I THINK I burnt with the blowtorch. And then I just kept eatin'.

The Winds Of Shit[edit]

Ricky: Dartmouth Regional Vocational School? Julian, are you fucked in the head? I THOUGHT we were going to fucking high school. I can't go to fucking vocational school.

Julian: Rick, you're not selling hash in high school, alright? You're old enough to be a teacher in high school, Rick. Think.

Ricky: Yeah, but the learning thing that you get at fucking spoken out and trying to get up in there and then you gotta- fuck.

Julian: Rick, Rick, Rick.

Ricky: I can't do this, man. My brain doesn't work this way. It's not college level.

Julian: This is the perfect PLACE to sell hash. We are not gonna get caught. Everything'll be fine. Come on.

Bubbles: You'll do alright, Ricky.

Julian: Think about this, think about your daughter, think about Lucy. They're gonna be impressed with you. They're gonna be so fucking proud of you, man Come on, let's go.

Ricky: Julian, this brain barely got through fucking Grade 7.

(voice-over)

Ricky: Well, Julian's been all paranoid lately with fucking Lahey and all these books he's reading, for fucksakes. He says it's too risky for me to have a bunch of hash on me around schools that do these random searches, so he used this big-smart-thinking stuff to come up with this new plan where basically I just take orders for hash in the daytime, get people's locker number and combinations, then at night, we break in to the school, if there's MONEY in the lockers, we just drop the hash off there. Use the honourly system. And hopefully it's gonna work out good.

(end of voice-over)

Ricky: Boys, they're not gonna let me in here. If they do, there's not a fucking chance in hell I'm gonna get a greeting card. THINK about it, I'm stupid.

Julian: Rick, listen to me. Don't let school shit distract you, okay? You're here for one REASON and that's to sell drugs, okay? Stay focused, man.

(voice-over)

Bubbles: There's two ways to LOOK at it, really. Either you go to school to learn, or you go to school to sell drugs and Ricky's here to sell drugs. I mean, maybe if it was under different circumstances, he could learn something, but Julian wants him just to sell drugs. It's kind of ironic, really.

Ray: Low profile, Julian? What, are you reading books again?

Julian: What's wrong with reading books?

Ray: NOTHING wrong with reading books, but there's only one book that counts, it's the Bible. It says to help your friends.

Julian: Does it say anything about you ripping off INSURANCE COMPANIES, pretend you're in a wheelchair, then getting caught drunk dancing with hos making porn flicks?

Ray: It's open to interpretation Julian, it's the Bible.

Mr. Lahey: You know what a shit barometer is, Bubs?

Bubbles: No.

Mr. Lahey: Measures the shit PRESSURE in the air. You can feel it. Listen, Bubs. Hear that? Sounds of the whispering winds of shit.

Ricky: (off-screen) What the fuck are you going on about?

Mr. Lahey: Can you hear it?

Bubbles: No, I don't hear anything.

Mr. Lahey: Oh, but you will, my sorry little friend, when the old shit barometer rises and you'll feel it too. Your ears will implode from the shit PRESSURE. You were warned, Bubs. But you picked the wrong side. Beware, my friend... shit winds are a-comin'.

Julian: Holy shit, look at all the books!

Ricky: Fuck off with the books, Julian. I'm serious.

Dressed All Over & Zesty Mordant[edit]

Ricky: Why don't you suck my cock, Trevor? How 'bout that, you skinny little fuckin' weasel?

Ricky: Hey, Trevor, knock-knock.

Trevor: I'm not gonna say, "who's there," Ricky.

Ricky: You just did, you fuckin' idiot.

[Ricky rips off Trevor's pants]

Ricky: (notices the LARGE amount of shopping carts) Nice! Where'd you get all the carts?

Bubbles: I don't know what Julian did down there, Ricky, but it's a GOLD mine down at the mall.

Mr. Lahey: Hello, gentlemen! Hey, Jules. Having a little drinky-poo? Tasty, isn't it? Couple of drinks on a hot day.

Randy: We're just HERE to do the lot water tests, boys.

Mr. Lahey: Randy. We're just here to do lot water tests, boys. It'll just take a sec.

Julian: Lahey, I live in a tent.

Bubbles: I have a shed, Lahey. I don't have water.

Ricky: Listen here, Captain Drunkity-Cock, none of us have WATER, so we don't need any of this crap. (takes the testing equipment out of Randy's hands and throws it away )

Mr. Lahey: Ricky! Destruction of property, Rick.

Randy: Barb says we got full authority to do tests.

Ricky: Yes, Randy, you're right. I'm sorry. You do have full authority... to fuck right off and fuck off good, okay? And you can fuck off too, Mr. Lahey.

I Am The Liquor[edit]

Mr. Lahey: That video game is the key to Shitty City, Randy, and Julian is muscular mayor.

Mr. Lahey: Randy... I got $100 HERE for groceries, I got $1400 here for liquor, and I got $6000 for you to go and bail out a couple of shit puppets. We might need a couple of more shit puppets for our play, and they gotta be angry shit puppets, Randy. And you gotta MAKE em angry shit puppets, and you say whatever it takes to make them angry, but they're not angry at us Randy. Shit puppets are supposed to be angry at other shit puppets... take the bus.

Randy: Mr. Lahey, they could kill one another.

: Wouldn't that be nice?

Randy: Yeah, but we can't be involved with murder.

Mr. Lahey: (confidently) Exactly, Randy.

Randy: Mr Lahey, is this you talking or the liquor?

Mr. Lahey: Randy...

[Lahey takes a big sip out of his liquor bottle]

Mr. Lahey: I am the liquor.

The Shit Blizzard[edit]

Trevor: But Julian, this is a pirate's gun.

Bubbles: Well Trevor, I guess that makes you Long-John Dickweed, then.

Mr. Lahey: You feel that Randy?

Randy: What, ?

Mr. Lahey: The way the shit clings to the air.

Randy: What ?

Mr. Lahey: Randy, my boy, it's ALREADY started.

Randy: What's started, Mr. Lahey?

Mr. Lahey: The Shit Blizzard.

Cyrus: What the fuck is that?

Dennis: I think it's a giant cock and someone's riding it like a cowboy.

Terry: Is that you, Cyrus?

Cyrus: Can't you fucking read, Terry? That's my name with an arrow pointing at it!

Cyrus: Cory? Trevor? You guys okay?

Trevor: Sorry Cyrus, we're okay!

Cory: Sorry dude, I think we fucked up!

Cyrus: (chambers a round) Well, how 'bout we fuck down! ( BEGINSshooting at Cory and Trevor while the boys come from behind and open fire on him)

Donny: (off-screen) WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Cyrus: Is that the best you got, Bubbles?! (returns fire at the boys and Bubbles does the same to him as Julian rescues Cory and Trevor)

Ricky: Get the fuck outta HERE, Cyrus!

Donny: FUCK OFF WITH THE GUNS!

Bubbles: I'm out, Ricky! I'm out!

Ricky: (to Cyrus, Terry and Dennis) Get the fuck outta this park!

(Dennis and Terry appear and start firing at the boys while Julian shoots back, covering Cory and Trevor's escape)

Cyrus: Make me!

Ricky: I'll fuckin' make you! (to Bubbles) Holy fuck, I'm hungry. You got anything to eat, Bubs?

Bubbles: No, I got nothin' to eat, Ricky!

Ricky: You RELOADED? We gotta cover Julian.

Bubbles: I'm tryin' to.

(Julian appears, carrying Cory and Trevor over his shoulders)

Julian: Rick, help me get them in the car!

Ricky: Put 'em in the trunk!

Julian: What?!

Ricky: They're fuckin' bleeding! You know the rules!

Julian: Oh, for fuck's sakes!

Ricky: (to Cory and Trevor) You guys fucked up big time! In the trunk!

Julian: Shit, get in the trunk, boys! Let's go, let's go!

Ricky: Let's go! In the car, Bubs!

Julian: MOVE, move, move, move, move!

(the boys DRIVE off as Dennis and Terry fires at them with Julian returning fire)

Cyrus: Fuck!

(he, Dennis and Terry put their guns down)

Julian: Listen, boys.

Donny: WELL, DON'T FUCKIN' STOP ON MY ACCOUNT!

Julian: Alright, I think it's over. Let's reload just in case.

Mr. Lahey: Somebody's got to be on duty, George. Who's the officer in charge, George? Who's the officer in charge HERE?

George Green: I thought you were in charge Jim. Why aren't you on duty?

Mr. Lahey: (drunkenly) I've always been on duty, George. Always. I haven't been off-duty for 25 years. Never.

George Green: Ugh. You're so fucked Lahey!

[George TALKS to dispatch on his walkie]

George Green: Dispatch, this is off-duty cop George Green at Sunnyvale Trailer Park. You had a report earlier of gunfire. Disregard, there's nothing going on-

[Lahey aggresively grabs the walkie]

Mr. Lahey: Officer down! Officer down!

[Lahey throws George's walkie away]

Mr. Lahey: Sorry, George! You're a shitty cop, George. I want a real cop here.

Ricky: The thing with me is that I AM smart and I'm smelf, I'm self smarted, basically, by myself, basically from nature and smoking drugs and doing different things I've self… s… like self learned myself. And that's the whole difference I guess is that I don't need the books or the schooling type things. I just get everything on my own and because of that I'm alive right now. I mean, if I had read more books or tried to go on to college and different things like that I'd be dead right now, because people say books and college are for to be make you smarter, but they can also be for to be make you dead, which is what could have happened to me. My brain doesn't use enough oxygen because I don't have the whole thing filled with different stuff and if it was full-it's only part full-and that's why I'm alive right now. The guards are giving me here, you know-"read this book, try to get smarter"-but I'm like, all right, I'll pretend to read it but I'm not going to really read it 'cause my brain will be more full and if I have another heart attack I'm going to die...I just wanna get out of here now and spend time with Lucy and Trinity and get my family going again. Basically that's all that matters to me. They come to visit me a couple times in jail for the first time ever which is awesome. Lucy seems to be really digging me and LOOKING really good and I just wanna get out of here and see them, exercise a bit, maybe eat better and try to quit smoking. I'm going to quit smoking cigarettes first, and then, you know, work off the dope or whatever eventually...although, I don't know.