Episode 36: Wiki War
It was another day at MegaMan Jr. High.
ElecMan: And that's why Fuzzy makes you dizzy. Now hand in your reports on the enemies in Spark Mandril's stage.
The class hands in their reports.
ElecMan: Now, I will go over them out loud. That may seem a little cruel, but it will prepare you for the real world.
Cut to ElecMan on a date.
ElecMan: I know this sounds silly, but I can't help feeling we were somehow destined for each other.
ElecWoman: I also feel/
Sigma barges into the restaurant.
Sigma: ElecMan, next time you're late grading papers because you're crying over no one responding to your singles ad, I'm cutting your pay and you won't be able to afford your impotency medication!
Cut back to the class.
ElecMan: So let's see… Bass, MegaMan X didn't have goombas in it. Roll, there wasn't a rhythm game in it. MegaMan you idiot, the floor stopped being electrified after you beat Storm Eagle's stage, not Armored Armadillo's! You fail, and detention!
A few more papers I don't feel like writing out his comments for later:
ElecMan: Zero… I can't find anything to complain about in your paper. As a teacher, that makes me feel extremely disappointed. Everything is right, and you even cited your references with Wikipedia/
Sigma barges in.
ElecMan: At least no one I care about is here…
Sigma: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
ElecMan: That Zero/
Sigma: Just, just a second…
Sigma pulls out a cell phone and calls ElecWoman.
Sigma: That idiot ElecMan messed up again, I'll put the phone on speaker. Anyway, did you just say someone cited Wikipedia as a reference?
Zero: I did.
Sigma: I knew it was you all along! You're always causing trouble! Whenever there's a fire, whenever someone gets sick from the school food, whenever there's a violent conflict, YOU always tell the authorities! And now, you're trying to pass off Wikipedia as a reliable source! When I was a kid, back in 21XX, we spent hours searching through libraries for information, and we liked it! Now you can just type it into Wikipedia and get that same information, it's made you a bunch of lazy, stupid/
Zero: You're arguing that it isn't the same information.
Sigma: Stop trying to make this about my obvious bitterness! The point is, I will not accept Wikipedia as a valid source! It was written by people, that means it's unreliable!
Zero: That's ridiculous. Wikipedia being edited by normal people lets it have more information then a single person could possibly collect. Wikipedia pretty much knows everything.
MegaMan: It's can't know everything.
Zero: Well, if you want to bring God into it, but it knows everything humans do.
Sigma: Wikipedia is unreliable! I'm declaring War on Wikipedia! You're either with us, or against us!
Zero: Fine, then I'm leading the side in favor of Wikipedia.
Sigma grumbles something about hoping Zero would be on his side.
Act break.
Act 2:
Sigma: It's time to choose sides!
Ralph Wiggum: What's a side?
Sigma: This is a civil war! Everyone is either with me or Zero! Now sign up under the banners!
Under the "I'm with Zero!" banner we have
MegaMan, Roll, Axl, Rock Monster, KI, ElecMan, Tommy Tallarico, Bender, Dale, Johnson, the O Rly Owl, Spiderman, and Wily.
Under the "I'm not with Zero!" banner we have
Sigma, Light, Rush, Ceil, Bass, Peggy Hill, ProtoMan, the Ya Rly Owl, Batman, Nolan Bushnell, Liquid Snake, Captain Planet, and Ranger.
Sigma: The MegaMan Jr. High Civil War, or Wiki War, is under way! Your friends are now your enemies, your enemies are now your friends, and your neutral acquaintances are now your pets!
It's another day at the now divided MegaMan Jr. High.
ElecMan: And that's why we can say with a fair amount of confidence that Jesus not only supported Wikipedia, but regularly edited it.
Bass: I'm tired of this Wikipedia bias in the classroom!
Roll: No one cares what you think, go back to looking through paper encyclopedias.
Ceil: True intellectuals waste time for no reason!
MegaMan: Can't you see, this fighting is tearing us apart!
Axl: Normally I don't actually follow the plots on this show/
KI: I hear that.
Axl: but this is a worthy cause! The anti-Wikipedia elitism is just stupid.
KI: And he's not just saying that to suck up so MMJH can get an article! The rest of us are, but not Axl.
MegaMan: Look, there has to be some middle ground, some agreement we can reach/
Sigma fires a gigantic energy beam through the door.
Sigma: Your precious Wikipedia said that energy beams were a good thing to shoot people with!
Zero: It doesn't say that.
Sigma: But, I edited it just a second ago…
Sigma edits it again.
Sigma: See, now it has unreliable… gris!
The edit got reverted.
Sigma: I'm not giving up!
Sigma edits it again.
Sigma: As I was/
The edit is reverted and Sigma gets banned.
Sigma: AARRRGGHH!
KI: You're not going to win. I once forgot to give an edit summary for a Goosebumps book and the change was reverted within a minute, that really happened.
Sigma: Fine, I'll stick with trying to find errors!
It's later that night. MegaMan is at home having dinner.
MegaMan: So anyway, the nurse said she didn't think it was black plague, but Sigma locked down the school and filed a lawsuit against Europe anyway/
Rush throws a dog bone at MegaMan.
MegaMan: OW! Look, we may be on different sides, but let's try to be mature about/
Light throws a spoonful of mashed potatoes at MegaMan. MegaMan retaliates with peas from a straw.
Axl: Can we just order a pizza or something? This box of dinner time clichés has little actual food in it.
Rush throws an anvil at Axl.
MegaMan: This is getting out of control! Our town is consumed by fighting! Sigma and Wily are battling in giant death tanks, Tommy Tallarico and Peggy Hill are on the verge of getting a divorce, the O Rly and Ya Rly owls are disagreeing with each other, and KI and Zero are locked in fatal… wait, they're on the same side!
KI: We're aware of that.
Act break.
Act 3:
MegaMan: I have to do something to stop the senseless fighting!
Cut to Sigma giving orders to his supporters who are slaving over computers.
Sigma: Search! Search! We have to find Wikipedia Mistakes of Doom, I promised I'd find them!
Batman: There just aren't any!
Sigma: The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence!
Cut back to MegaMan.
MegaMan: I have to find a way to stop this…
Cut to the weekly spirit assembly.
Sigma: School, I know there's been a lot of fighting recently, but let's not forget what's important: making those grissing Wikipedia supporters pay!
MegaMan rushes onto the stage.
Sigma: They… they said the stage was protected… AAAAHHHHHH!
Sigma runs for cover.
MegaMan: Everyone, we have to stop fighting over something so trivial! Who cares if Wikipedia is reliable? It's just a website!
Zero rushes onto the stage.
MegaMan: How'd you do that without disabling the security?
Zero: It's about more then that! There's too much elitism, people assuming that just because something is new, it's inferior. Do you know there are actually people out there who think the original Zelda is better then the newest ones?
Wily: Yes! KI's driven that into the ground!
Zero: Anyway, it has to stop! Wikipedia is a free, vast source of information, and people distrust it just for being new!
Sigma: I don't hate it just for being new! Anyone can edit it, it might be wrong!
Zero: They have people constantly checking it, and most incorrect information is blatant vandalism, are you really going to think Barney regularly recites the Man from Nantucket limerick?
Sigma: I think I speak for everyone who doubts Wikipedia when I say I'm too stupid to put even the slightest amount of effort into recognizing context!
Several people in the audience glare at him.
Zero: Look, have you found any actual errors during your Wikipedia search?
Sigma: Possibly, I didn't really have anything to check them against, why can't they make a wiki site that helps you discredit wiki sites?
Zero: Then end this pointless war! Let my homework assignment stand!
Sigma: Never!
Zero: Then let the battle commence!
The two sides charge, lethal weapons raised on both sides. They rush towards each other, eventually coming into contact to… watch Zero and Sigma compete in an essay writing contest.
Zero uses his Wikipedia to get information. Sigma uses a physical encyclopedia.
Zero: Done.
Sigma: Where the gris is pneumonia in this stupid thing? How am I supposed to write a report on words that are hard to look up alphabetically under these conditions?
Zero: I won.
Sigma: You won't get away with this! As soon as I finish a paper based search to look up legal arguments in favor of me failing you, you'll pay!
And so Sigma begins his search for the obscure information with no internet. But by the time he finishes it, all laws and modern civilizations have faded. Stay tuned for the next MegaMan Jr. High!