-TORCHWOOD-

Jack sat to the side of the warehouse in his little desk area watching as Gwen, Rhys, Mickey and Martha competed in a game of dodge ball, Lois acting as the referee. He was surprised Lois was here still; he thought that as strong as she was she'd still bow out but so far she'd lasted a month and a half. Not bad.

After the hub exploded the three remaining Torchwood agents – and Rhys – had set up in the warehouse for those few days. After Jack was forcibly dumped back on earth – From 10 feet above the ground, he was still smarting over that – they redid it all. This time however there were mini heaters, desks and comfy chairs. Comfy chairs with WHEELS.

They found Janet a few days after he returned. The weevil was disoriented and had a broken arm but they managed to recapture her. She spent three weeks hiding in Sarah Jane's cellar with a cast on before they got her back.

Jack had built a dog-run especially for her with reinforced steel bars, two separate lengths of fence and a comfy looking dog bed. It was strange, as cold as it got in parts of the warehouse Janet seemed…calm and rather gleeful. Sure, she still growled and bared her fangs but she hadn't tried to kill Jack in ages.

He leaned back in his chair and crossed his feet on his desk. Life was finally looking up again. Pulling out his phone he looked at it a smile forming, Martha and Mickey had told him earlier about their adventure at Royal Hope, he'd almost gave away some secrets when neither mentioned a child. He had to check, besides it would be fun to tease the Doctor a bit. Hitting some buttons on his phone he began to text.

'Heard you solved an invasion on Halloween RHope. No mention of a child. Still need me?' He typed smirking as he hit send. He was surprised when within seconds the phone buzzed back, with a message.

'Kid was taken briefly by other person. Still needed' Jack frowned at that wondering who or what had taken Amelia and if she was okay. Quickly Jack began typing again.

'Your kidnapped kid was kidnapped by a secondary kidnapper?' He questioned the Doctor further as the game continued around him.

'Yup' came the response quickly and Jack had to smile at the simple response.

'Fun. They OK?' He questioned wanting to make sure at least Amelia and Tish were safe, he was going to be in deep trouble if they weren't.

'Fine. Currently playing hide & seek.' The response from the Doctor made Jack smirk, of course, what else would the doctor be doing.

'Are you seeking or hiding?' Jack typed quickly.

'Am hiding under bed. Not found yet. Three others running around.' Jack laughed at this gaining looks from his coworkers.

"Jack! Come play!" Gwen called, distracting him from whatever was so funny. "It's fun and then Lois can play without alternating."

Jack smiled, "One moment." He shot off a last text 'have fun. Going to work'

Jack jogged over to their area, whipped off his coat and put it aside. "Okay, who's on whose side?"

"Well, it's currently married couples as teams so...let's go genders." Gwen said looking at the assembled group.

Jack moved to stand by Rhys as everyone moved to the proper side. "You know, most people play solitaire when it's slow at work."

"Most people aren't Torchwood." Rhys told him. "Oh, and aim away from the lorry. Got one of the balls stuck up in the engine by some miracle earlier."

"Will do." Jack smiled, he may have helped that ball get there.

- TARDIS-

The Doctor hid quietly under the bed. He'd done as River suggested. He'd 'kidnapped' Rory. Though it was more 'adult-napped'. Really, kidnapping implied a child was involved. Well, one was involved but not 'involved'.
He was hiding under the bed of the room that River had claimed earlier. He was dropping her off at Stormcage as soon as he stopped hiding.

He was hiding from a very mad Tish, a very annoyed River and a pissed off Nurse.
Rory shouldn't be so mad. Honestly, he was nice about it.

He soniced him, made his brain send him to sleep and even caught him before he hit the ground! That was completely nice. Really nice. Totally nice!

Well, maybe he did wake him up by chucking him into the shallow end of the pool once they were in the vortex. Still nice.

He heard footsteps on the floor and stiffened. Boots…Tish was wearing heels again so she clicked; Rory was in flats he made scuffing noises, Amelia wore tennis shoes that clomped, that meant boots were…

"Hello, Sweetie." River said, looking under the bed at him.

"Go away." the Doctor hissed at her. Waving as best he could from his hiding spot he tried to shoo her.

"I'd rather not. See, currently you've got two people very angry at you. Tell me, why was it a good idea to knock him unconscious?" She gave up the leaning over bit and just laid down on the floor on her stomach, arms under her head as she watched him.

"You said kidnap." He accused her.

"Yes. I meant old fashioned 'bag over the head shove them in' type. Not Sonicing him unconscious. Speaking of, exactly what setting does that?" she asked curiously, sidetracked.

"That's for me to know and you to not." He stated childishly.

"I see." River said humouring him.

"Why are you talking to me anyway instead of yelling?" the Doctor asked not noticing the other person enter the room or peek on the other side of the bed.

"I'm just talking to distract you as Tish gets you from the other side." River smirked as his face fell in horror and two sets of hands wrapped around his ankles hauling him out from under the bed.

"Cheat!" he yelled as he was hauled out.

The Doctor looked up at Tish and Rory and laughed uneasily, "Hi?"

-TORCHWOOD-

Jack looked down as his phone buzzed and arched in his seat to pull it out of his pocket.

"JACK! ROAD!" Mickey roared.

"I see, I see." He swerved to avoid a collision and settled back into his seat. He opened his phone and blinked in surprise.

'Statute of limitations on Kidnapping in UK. Y or N?'

Jack laughed and moved his hands on the wheel so he could text back. 'NO!'

"JACK! You may be immortal but we aren't!" Gwen warned him, holding onto a handle on the ceiling for dear life.

"Yeah, yeah. I haven't crashed us yet." Jack told her dropping the phone onto his lap and turning a corner.

"You did too! We had a giant crater in the back bumper from a tree." Gwen yelled.

"That was Ianto's fault for distracting me and Mickey fixed it just fine." Jack yelled narrowly missing some trashcans and a fire hydrant.

"I can't fix everything!" Mickey nearly screamed, holding onto his handle and fumbling for a seatbelt. Jack was an insane driver.

His phone went off again and he picked it up, eyes off the road.

'U sure?' came the strange text from the doctor.

'YES! Am a cop of sorts' Jack typed taking both hands off the wheel for a second to the horror of his passengers.

"JACK!" Gwen yelled reaching to grab the wheel.

"Sorry, sorry." Jack kept the phone in hand and both hands on the wheel as both Gwen and Mickey looked sick. He could hear Martha and Lois through the headset worrying. Jack looked at his phone smirking as he saw another text.

'How much jail?'

'10 years +' He typed back as the car weaved in and out of traffic.

"JACK!" Gwen screamed, "I'm going to throw up and Rhys will kill you!"

Jack slung the car to a stop rocking it up on two wheels for a moment till it settled back.

His phone beeped and he grinned.

'Seekers cheated. Feel bad. How do you apologize for knocking people out?'

'Dunno. Knowhow to do up…Retcon?' Jack typed, ignoring the protests from his passengers.

"You're going to be killed." Gwen stated through gritted teeth as she kept her eyes closed and tried to breathe evenly. "By me after you kill us."

Jack tucked the phone away and smiled. He leaned over and rubbed her belly – though it didn't yet show her pregnancy – "Sorry Mini Cooper, I'll drive nicer next time. Don't make your mummy sick."

Gwen slapped at his hand, "You're making its mummy sick!"

Jack grinned and opened his door, "Let's go get us some tech!"

Mickey nearly slid out of the car. Jack was never driving again.

-TARDIS-

"Why would I go to prison?" the Doctor asked as Tish ranted.

"Kidnapping is an arrest-able offence!" Tish yelled stomping angrily around the room.

The Doctor blinked and pulled out Martha's phone texting to Jack.

"What are you doing?" River asked him.

"Texting Jack to see how I get out of this." the Doctor stated simply.

Obviously Jack didn't have the answers he wanted as he looked up at Rory and Tish.

"Well, if you charge me with kidnapping for Rory and Amelia you'd have to explain Amelia and then you'd have to figure out how to get my two hearts past security. Then you have to try and keep the government from taking me. Then of course you have the fact that if I asked the Brig would bail me out."

He ticked off his fingers with reasoning, "And of course I have a namesake who's a lawyer. We're trying to get him a shot at being PM but he thinks it's a no go." The Doctor shook his head and clicked his tongue in disappointment, "All those days when he was an infant trying to teach him the art of politics wasted."

"What?" Rory felt the shock go through him, "You're blackmailing us?"

"Unless you want to go to a mental institution, get your memory erased by one Government agency, be imprisoned and 'studied' by a second or get 'convinced' to shut up by the third. I personally prefer the third. They're a much neater agency. Even if they do have a pet Dalek." The doctor said smirking.

Tish stared at him in shock, "Doctor?"

"In other words…Rory, find a room and go tell Amelia you're staying. Tish, message your mum to cover for Rory if he's not back in time. River…Go back to prison and get out of my biscuit jar." He scolded the woman who was unabashedly rummaging.

"Prison food sucks." River stated.

TORCHWOOD-

Jack surveyed the crater that use to be the tower that hid Torchwood. They got out most of the rubble so far. Hauling sensitive equipment out with a lorry he'd had Rhys buy. A few pieces of tech went missing including some very large field disabling plates. If they turned up on the market he'd find out.
Most of the rubble was gone now but still he spent a large portion of time digging through it. Rhys and Mickey helped him mostly. Martha did as well but everyone refused to let Gwen or Lois dig through.

He climbed down a few layers, not bothering with a hard hat and scanned the pile of rocks, wood and various items. "Careful, Mickey." He called as Mickey slid on one chunk of wood.

"I'm fine!" Mickey yelled back keeping his balance as he cleared an area digging for 'treasure'.

Jack spotted something under a large piece of crushed concrete. He hefted it up till he could rest it against his shoulder than pushed it over. There lying on the ground slightly singed and dirty with a few tears was a teddy bear he knew use to be soft and grey.

"Tosh." He whispered as he brushed his fingers over it on the ground. He picked it up and resisted the urge to hug it close and instead slipped it into his jacket pocket on the inside.

"Find anything?" Mickey called over to him.

"Nah, nothing." Jack replied. He looked over the area for anything else that was Tosh's but he didn't find anything that wasn't ruined.

He was about to climb out of the crater when his phone beeped.

New Message: Leticia Jones.

Jack made a noise of surprise and opened it.

'Doctor being unreasonable, blackmailing his kidnap victim, threatening to mind wipe people or hand them to an agency that will. Also putting someone back in prison, but that's unrelated. Why does this scream 'Jack'?'

Jack gulped, this wasn't good.

'Not my fault. I said Ret-con.' He typed quickly.

'JACK! Don't suggest those things to someone with the impulse control of a 3 year old with sugar! Current new Kidnapped is freaking out, old Kidnapped is gleeful about this all, Doctor is looking far too smug and his arch-enemy/love(?) is stealing biscuits and lobbing jelly babies at Uval pup. What is wrong with this picture?'

Jack tried hard not to laugh.
'Uval eating Jelly Babies.' He typed, hoping the humor would calm her down

Not what I was going for. Way to miss the point.' Came the response from Tish.

'What's kidnapped's name?' Jack asked, it was always good to know, and he might have to help the Doctor out of trouble if this really went bad.

'Rory Williams'

Jack slipped while walking in his surprise and slid down the board nearly smacking into a wall.

"You alright?" Rhys yelled to him.

"Fine!" Jack squeaked.

He messaged Gwen quickly, 'Rhys Relative named Rory Williams? YorN?'

'Yes. Brother. Why?' Gwen texted back and Jack nearly cursed, In his head he started saying prayers in as many languages as he could remember to as many Gods as he could.

'Friend thinks he's cute' He responded quickly hoping she believed him.

'Creepy friend or normal?' Jack groaned then a small smirk appeared on his face, if he was going to get in trouble he might as well make life hard for those that were causing it.

'Martha sister. You judge.' He typed then quickly took a deep breath and sent back to Tish:

'The Doctor, the #1 enemy of my business who is also the ex of my current Romantic interest has kidnapped the brother of my lieutenant/second in command/best friend's husband…And the helper is the sister of my Doctor aka my lieutenants great friend. Tish? I need alcohol.' Jack groaned as he typed, he was so dead if anyone found out.

He had made it to his feet by time a message got back to him.

'Not telling Rory this. He knows of aliens but not that my sister works with them. He hates his brother for reasons relating to A.P., and if he knew that both Rhys and Gwen know about aliens he'd kill them…JW, did you ever ret-con a little boy in 'Leadworth' ?' Jack tried to remember, he did remember retconning several children, usually as a last resort, but he wasn't sure about Leadworth.
'Will check files and get back to you.' Jack typed quickly.

-TARDIS-

Tish lay on her bed above the covers not wanting to do anything. She should take a shower and get dressed for bed but today was just…insane.

They'd dropped River off not too long ago amid protests from her. The guards at the prison had been friendly enough though, they hadn't even yelled at Tish or Rory! Just the Doctor.

Rory was off somewhere sulking. He was mad but Tish didn't blame him. In two days he finds out about aliens, finds his friend he thought was dead is alive and was kidnapped by time travelling aliens. Well, alien. She'd be a bit out of it too.

There was a knock on her door, "If you're male go away but if it's Amelia come in."

The door edged open and Amelia peeked in, "Are you mad too?"

"Hmm?" Tish sat up on her elbows, "Why would I be mad?"

"Because the Doctor took Rory like he took me. Rory isn't happy about it and yelled lots. Even at Yumo." Amelia showed her the chubby Uval who looked more sleepy than sad, "The Doctor yelled too. River didn't."

"That's because women are more sensible then men." Tish patted her bed and laid back down on it.

The bed shifted as Amelia sat down on it then lay down next to her. Yumo padded in a circle like a cat then lay down with a whump on Tish's pillow.

"Rory doesn't want to be here." Amelia said sadly.

"That's not true, honey." Tish wrapped and arm around Amelia. "He's just upset. He found out about Aliens, time travel and that you're alive all in one day! That's a lot to take in."

Amelia nodded, "His brother would have fainted."

'He might still faint' Tish thought to herself, wondering how Rory's brother would react to finding out he really could be completely 100% off the hook for any crimes…if someone wanted to 'out' time travel and aliens in one go. She suddenly felt a rush of sympathy for the man she'd never met; how many people could get out of a crime they didn't commit by saying 'the Doctor did it!' Well, probably quite a few in all actuality.

"Yeah, maybe. Give Rory a little bit of time and tomorrow we'll make him a really good breakfast. What's his favourite breakfast?" Tish said giving the girl a hug.

"Oatmeal." Amelia wrinkled her nose at it. "With lots of brown sugar and pieces of raisins and dried bananas. His daddy makes it and it's icky."

Tish chuckled, "We'll try to recreate the icky treat."

[AN: for those confused yes, we did make Rhys Williams and Rory Williams half brothers. It made sense at the time and soon enough we had enough written it couldn't be changed! I still like it. Adds another layer of weirdness to an already wibbly plot of awesomeness. Oh and in case Jack's 'The Doctor, the #1 enemy' confused anyone basic translation is:
"He's the most wanted man in Torchwood, the ex of my current significant other, and he has kidnapped Gwen's brother-in-law and his accomplice was Martha's sister..."
She's certifiable, I swear it. Hope you enjoy the fic! Any questions or comments feel free to review or PM.Unless it's a spoiler.]