46. 'Black' and white

The group of friends sat in a ring on the sand of First beach while Jake and Quil hunched over the base of the wood pile. They stuffed crumpled newspaper in the gaps and lit it up. It didn't take long for the winds to feed the flames and for the wood to catch alight. It was really incredible to see the hot indigo and lavender blues as they transitioned to the sacred deep saffron as the tongues climbed up the wood, intense and incinerating, licking the grey-black sky.

Once the fire was established, Jake came to sit behind Ness, his legs stretching out next to hers, following the same contours, his hardness pressing up behind her. It wasn't long before his hands crept under her jacket, rubbing circles over her tummy and then up, over the cotton of her bra. She rested the back of her head on his shoulder, comfortable in their familiar intimacy. He was discrete and she enjoyed it, there were no fathers watching tonight, so she saw no need to stop his roaming hands.

"It's really beautiful," she said, reaching up and gently kissing the underside of his jaw.

"A beautiful fire for my beautiful flame," he replied, angling his head so to give her a light kiss.

They sat and listened to the crack and occasional hiss of the bonfire as the wood was consumed, letting the flames mesmerise them. Embry stood, taking a long thin branch that had fallen out of the stack and carried it over to where Bella was sitting. She took out a joint and used the small flame on the stick to light up. She took a long drag before handing it to Emb. He copied, blowing the smoke out of his lips on a long thin stream.

Noticing that Ness was watching them, he silently held up the J in offering. Ness shook her head in decline, as too did Jake, taking his hands out from under her jacket, he politely waved his friends enquiry away. After her dissociative event the night of Bella's birthday, Ness had vowed to stay away from alcohol and drugs until she had all her stuff sorted and Jake promised the same in a sign of support and solidarity.

Another of Jake's friend's arrived, carrying half a dozen boxes of pizza with his girlfriend in tow. Ness had met Jared briefly the last time she was on the Res, but not Kim. She was also a local girl who had been in elementary school with them all. Ness found they got along instantly, she was shy and a little reserved, but when she did speak, it was worth listening to.

It was warm by the raging pyre, enough so that Jake took off his outer jacket and undid his sweater, Ness took off her hat and scarf and quickly braided her flyaway hair as they all chatted and enjoyed jokes around the circle.

Soon, the beach started to get a little more crowded, a few of the local high school kids had taken the opportunity of the bonfire, without watchful parents, to have a spare-of-the-moment party. Someone had even brought a portable music player and it was playing some good music in the background. La Push was a small community, with not a lot of things to do on the weekends, anything different was gobbled up by the local youth. No one seemed to mind the kids crashing the quiet get together Jake had planned though. So long as they stayed out of the adult's way and they didn't try to eat the pizza or drink the booze.

As everyone lay back, with full tummies and warm toes, Rachel got up, dragging the old guitar case with her. Ignoring Nessie's moans of complaint, she looked between Jake and Bella, asking, "Right, who gets first request?"

"Mine's easy," called Bella, taking another drag of her joint and handing it to Embry as she stood and moved over to Ness and Jake. "I know you know it," she said to her old room mate. "Otis Redding's 'Dock of the Bay'."

Ness felt a little rush of relief, she did know that song, forwards and backwards.

"Too easy!" challenged Jake, throwing a little stick in Bella's direction in protest. He sat up taller, as Ness shifted sideways from her position between his knees. "I want Ness to play my choice first. She's gagging to know what it is," he smirked like a little smart ass. Pay back was a bitch.

Then his eyes softened, and he spoke to his soul mate specifically, his gaze sending her all the confidence, support and assurance he could. He wanted her to have the confidence she used to have. The woman who would hurdle on the tartan in nothing but a track and field excuse for a bikini. The athlete who was happy to display her skill in front of thousands. The girl who had sat around a drunken coffee table and told practical strangers about the skeletons in her closet, even though that had been with a bit of liquid courage. He wanted his support to be enough for her, she had to find her own courage to play in front of a handful of friends. He gave her hand an encouraging squeeze. "It's your anthem, Ness. Play me ' Fast car'."

Her brows scrunched together in a frown, her eyes darted back and forth, looking to all of Jacob's friends who were waiting expectantly. She leaned in to him, "that's kind of private, Jake."

"Bull shit. Everyone knows the song. You just give it more meaning than most can." He wanted to push her into the deep-end a bit, get her remembering just how well she could swim. He got out the guitar and tuned it for her, placing it carefully in her hands. Ness took it from him, her hand smoothing over the glossy wood. It had been her anthem, as a teenager she had kind of related, at least to the parental abandonment bit. Rouge-gorge had taught herself by listening to the CD over and over on the summer holidays she had first moved to Rose and Em's house.

Ness had played that song for Jake for the first time only a few weeks ago. They'd been lying in bed, with nothing on but a few scraps of clothes they'd not managed to discard after one of their after work pleasure sports. She'd sat up against the bedhead as Jacob butterflied kisses over the scars on her leg as she played. That moment had been private, but she supposed he was right... the song wasn't exactly copy written by her.

Without strumming, Ness automatically started to finger through the chords in rehearsal. The quiet metallic clinks of fingers brushing against the strings and frets. Jake shifted and hovered on the balls of his feet next to her. He tenderly turned her head with his fingers as they caressed her cheek, forcing her to look at him. He could sense the internal division from within her. When their eyes met, he smiled lovingly at her, "Pretend it's just you and me in the bedroom"

"But Jake, they already think I'm some fucked up homeless kid," she hissed under her breath through clenched teeth, trying not to look and see if everyone was already staring at her.

"You were," he admitted, "but you're not that girl anymore, Ness. Don't you feel like you could find your home here?" he asked. It had been the first time he had asked her something like that. She didn't want to answer him, afraid that he would be hurt by her honest response.

She didn't belong here. She didn't know if she ever could.

She wasn't Quileute; she was one eighth French, at least a quarter Anglo-American and the rest… was a mystery.

She didn't have memories of collecting shells on this beach as a kid; she'd collected cans on the street, out of garbage bins.

It wasn't her father who had hugged her and welcomed her into his house when they'd arrived home last night; her father was nothing more than a pile of ash in a small box in what she assumed was a potter's grave somewhere near Washington State Penitentiary.

She was saved from her inner sorrows by Embry making an exasperated sigh. "Why the hell did he bring her?" he cursed, everyone following his line of sight. Coming down from the car park was Paul, and with her hands wrapped around his arm like a vine was… Aponi.

As cold as the evening was, Aponi still managed to show more skin than Ness did in May. Her short jacket, that only went as far as her waist, was unzipped showing her cleavage popping out of a shirt so low cut that the lace edge of her bra was showing.

"Are they together?" asked Jake, more out of curiosity for his friend than jealousy over the girl. As far as he was concerned, Paul could have the banshee.

"I think he's too much of a man-whore to actually have a girlfriend," Embry replied, no attempt made to hide the distain in his voice.

Ness glanced over to Rachel, she was sitting staring into the fire, conscientiously ignoring the couple's approach. Then she looked back at Jake, he was watching Ness, silent asking if she was okay? Red Robin gave him a reassuring smile. She was sure enough in their relationship to be around his ex. But there was no way on God's Earth she was playing guitar in front of the girl.

"Let's say hello," Ness offered in tolerance as Jake stood and helped her to her feet on the sand.

Jake greeted his old school friend, opting for a forearm grasp and shoulder slap as Ness and Aponi stood awkwardly to the side. Paul appraised Ness, she was standing, unassisted, on two feet, the brace strapped over the top of her black skinny jeans. "No crutches Ness?" he asked kindly.

She gave him a happy grin, "it's slow progress but at least I can walk by myself," she shrugged as she linked her fingers through Jakes.

Ness looked to Aponi and gave her a small yet open one handed wave, the first step in at least abiding one another.

Aponi looked her over, pointing to the red healing wound across Renesmee's throat. "Nice necklace," she sneered, her eyes darting to Jake's and also Paul's as if looking for approval. Anyone who was in earshot stopped, staring, gobsmacked at the newcomer's lack of sensitivity. Everyone on the Res knew Jacob Black's pale face girlfriend had been strangled and beaten within an inch of her life. There was no way Aponi didn't know about it. She was just praying on likely insecurities; she'd presumed well.

Jake knew how sensitive Ness was about her scar still, and Renesmee could see he was about to let Aponi cop a mouth full. Ness put her hand up to Jake, stopping him as he went to take a step. She didn't need Jacob to stand up for her, Ness was so pissed she was more than keen to dish out a few words herself.

"Oh, hilarious Aponi, have you been thinking that one up all day? What are you? Five? Have you even finished high school yet?" she intoned sarcastically, knowing full well she'd finished a few months ago… the same week Ness was winning Nationals and fighting for her life. "Yes, I have a fucking scar around my neck where my stalker tried to kill me. Fucking fun times. Who do you think you're impressing? Jake? I can pretty much guarantee he won't be. In fact I'm pretty sure that any guy here who thought you looked good in what you're wearing" she said, gesturing up and down Aponi's revealing tight clothes, "are now having second thoughts, because of how ugly you are in the inside," she smarted, her head jerking to the side as she finished her slur.

Ness didn't like conducting herself this way, she wasn't a bitch, she didn't like acting like one. She knew Api was just an insecure girl who was using harsh words and her sexuality to cover her self-doubt, but it felt good to give her a piece of her mind. But she really didn't like stooping to the curvy girl's level, Ness decided to take the higher road.

"Look," said Ness, sighing, "can we just start over? I live with Jake, I'm going to be in his life for a long time, which means we're going to run into each other for the rest of our lives. We'll probably never be friends Aponi, but can't we at least be civil?" she suggested, holding out her hands in a peace offering.

Aponi just looked at Ness as if she wasn't worth breathing the same air as her. She raised a brow, the distain on her face apparent. "You really are a red neck now, aren't you?" she spat, not having heard a thing Ren had just said.

"What is your problem?!" yelled Jacob stepping in front of Renesmee in a protective gesture. Ness had extended an olive branch and Api had snatched it out of her hands and whipped her with it. Every time she saw Ness she was rude and insulting.

"She is!" yelled Aponi, pointing an accusing finger at Nessie. "Her, and all her pale face friends. Coming here and stealing all the good Quileute men."

"God Api, you sound like a bigot. Your grandma's Makah, what are you talking about? Half the tribe is mixed race," he yelled back.

"They are, and it's disgusting," she spat. "At least my grandmother is still a red blooded native! Like you Jake! You're a Black, Jacob... a Black! Don't you care? Your father could be chief, your father's father was chief, and it goes back generations. Are you really going to be the first to dilute the blood line? Breed with a pale face and have a bunch of half bred kids? If you want white bread so badly why don't you just cut your hair and be done with it!" she screeched, her eyes wild and half popping out of her xenophobic, fanatical head.

Jacob was livid, she'd just insulted: him, his family, the woman he loved AND vilified any future children they might have. He wasn't having this re-hashed, antiquated, extremist discussion with her in public. He grabbed under Api's arm and marched her up the sand like a child.

As Renesmee watched her boyfriend walk away with another woman, Bella quietly came to stand next to her, taking her hand. They were the only two pale faces on the beach that night. She felt very conspicuous and exposed. Rouge-gorge couldn't remember wanting to run away as badly as she wanted to run that very moment. But she didn't. Sucking in a fortifying breath; she squared her shoulders and stood up straight, grounding her feet firmly in the sand as she watched Jake and his ex argue in the car park of First beach. She couldn't hear what they were saying but the body language was screaming aggression. Embry and Quill walked past Ness and Bella, stopping and turning to face the girls they considered friends.

"For the record, we don't feel that way," Embry said as he passed. He looked up to Jake's location, who look liked he was ready to slap Aponi. "We'd better go up before he kills her," Emb shucked.

Paul, who was standing only a few feet from Ness looked crestfallen and embarrassed, "Sorry Renesmee," he atoned.

Rachel chose that moment to come over. "Nice date, ass wad," she bit, finally acknowledging his presence for the first time. Paul continued to ignore her as he placed a hand on Nessie's shoulder, "Call's right. Most of us don't think like that," he said as he too started up the beach.

"God, that girl is a bitch," scowled Rach as she watched Paul stalk over the drift wood piles. Letting herself be momentarily distracted, Ness wondered how long it would be before Paul found an excuse for some kind of visit to Seattle. She was sure he'd end up staying the night in the share house and end up sleeping in Rachel's bed again. The sexual tension between those two was palpable.

Needing a moment to herself, Ness pulled her hand away from Bella's and walked down to the water's edge. She wrapped her arms around herself as the cold wind buffeted against her. She'd left her scarf and beanie up by the fire and her ears and cheeks were feeling the sharp needles of spray as the surf crashed on the bank. Renesmee was feeling the crack of self-doubt she'd previously felt, open up into a fissure of unworthiness. Aponi's rant, although over the top and unwarranted, had struck a nerve. On one part, Ness was angry and incensed. Black, white, yellow red or rainbow it didn't matter what she was, what mattered was that she loved him.

The other half of Ren, the less confident part, had been worried about the approval of Jake's family and friends. Previously, her concern had been more in regard to her proscribed upbringing and questionable early childhood influence. The whole mixed race thing had never been an issue. It didn't seem to matter to Jake, and it Ness knew it certainly didn't matter to her… Until Aponi planted the seed. Now, Ness was worried how much of an issue it actually was. Had Jake been playing it down all this time? The way Jacob had reacted tonight made Ness think it definitely wasn't the first time he'd had the discussion. Especially with Aponi.

It had been hard to see him lead his ex-girlfriend away. It smacked of the last time they'd been on the beach with a bonfire. The time Ness ran like a scared little bird. This time though, she knew Jake was on her team, categorically, bag and baggage, lock, stock and barrel.

Still… it hurt to see their familiarity. Ness looked over her shoulder to the car park, there were a crowd of people milling, and she guessed Jake was still up there. She wished he'd come back soon.

As she stood by the water, waiting for the love of her life to come back to her, a figure came to stand next to her, stopping about a foot behind. He held out her scarf and hat and she took it gratefully from the stranger without speaking.

"Who would have thought Aponi cared about anything other than her own reflection?" the stranger said, breaking thought the dark silence of the night. "I think her real problem is that, apart from Jake and Paul and maybe Embry, every other guy here is her cousin."

Ness turned as she wound the knitted wool her Grand'Mere had made around her throat, she looked at the youth standing next to her, he had the same long raven hair as Jake, the same dark tanned skin, the same glorious defined cheek bones. He belonged here.

"Is she your cousin?" Ness asked.

The guy pulled a fated kind of face, "Sort of, our grandmothers were sisters. Not that I'd touch her with a five-foot pole. Way too much hard work." Ness nodded in understanding as he looked at her seriously. "You do know that most of us don't agree with her?" he asked as more of a statement than enquiry.

"Everyone keeps saying that. But all that means is that some people do," Ness said, staring out to the granite ocean, the silver foam chopped on the surface as the wind continued to hit against them. Ness turned to the boy, she recognised him as the one who had brought the music player, she liked his taste in tunes. "Do you think Jacob's father thinks that?" she asked after a few moments of hesitation.

He shook his head firmly, "I can guarantee Billy Black does NOT think his son should only be with an Indian girl. He's on the tribe council with my mom. They're all about the preservation of the culture and histories and stuff, it's not about the blood line." He was so sure of his answer Ness wanted to take his word for it. Extending his hand in greeting he said, "I'm Seth, by the way."

"I'm Renesmee," she said shaking his hand. Up close, the guy didn't look so young, probably only a year or two below her, he just hadn't filled out yet. Not compared to Jake anyway.

Seth smiled knowingly, "Everyone knows who you are."

Nessie's cheeks reddened, apparently the Res-vine was working perfectly. "Great, another group gathering where I make a fool of myself. I'll be infamous soon."

"Hey," he said caringly, "tonight, that was all Aponi. You didn't do anything. She's been a trouble maker since we were toddlers… What I mean, is that everyone saw you race when you won that gold medal. Billy was really proud, he had me and Embry set up my lap top to his TV and all the oldies watched you… it."

Nessie thought she could see a flush burn over Seth's cheeks, it was hard to tell in the darkness. She remembered how the crowd had cheered in Eugene when she'd taken off her track suit, the way the stadium camera had followed her around. Great, she thought to herself, half the Res have watched me in a two piece.

"Yeah, I heard Billy got everyone watching." Ness said, trying to move the conversation forward as she turned to make her way up the sand, Seth keeping pace. She could see the silhouette of a lone person walking down from the car park. The strong broad shape of a man she'd recognise anywhere, and her pace quickened, they both arrived at the fire at the same time, Jacob's eyes burning into Nessie's.

"Hey Jake," Seth called, the hero worship evident in his tone. Seth had always liked Jacob; he had always given the younger kids the time of day. But now he'd landed one of the hottest girls Seth had ever seen, the kid worshipped at the guy's feet.

Jake gave Seth a momentary glance, "Hi Seth," he answered quickly, his whole thought focused on Renesmee, Clearwater only a fleeting diversion.

Jacob's large, rough hands cupped over her jaw as he leant down to look her in the eyes.

"I do not agree with a single thing that girl said."

She looked at him, his eyes were ablaze with his need for her to understand. "I know," she said simply.

"I don't care what my last name is, I'm going to be with someone who loves me for me."

"I know," she assured.

"Our kids will be beautiful little babies with curly hair," he whispered, his eyes a little glassy, " She's so deluded, so closed off, it's her grandfather's influence. He is such a pain in my dad's ass," he fumed.

Then he leaned his forehead against hers, taking a calming breath as he moved his face up into her wild curls and inhaled her lavender sent, breathing a few more cleansing floral breaths. "I love you, Nessie. Never anyone else. Never," he pleaded, his voice cracking a little as he continued to hold her face like a vice between his hands.

"Jake, I know! I love you…. Jacob," she said, highlighting her word by placing her hands over his heart. "The man inside. That's you I love. You. I really don't care what she thinks. She can go to hell as far as I'm concerned. You shouldn't let her press your buttons like that. You and me…" she said looking between both his sable eyes, "we've been through far too much together to even think her opinion matters. Come on," she urged, "let's not let her ruin such a perfect night."

She knew what would take his mind off things. "Take me home, I believe you promised me you're packing some kind of heat?" she purred as she tucked her arms under his still open jacket, fanning her hands over his wide back. She felt his shiver as he leant down, his cool lips burning onto hers. Too soon she pulled away, "Christ Jake, you're freezing under here. Your lips are like ice. Where's your anorak?" She asked, looking over to where they had sat most of the night and made sure he put it on. Her need to nurture overtaking her carnal desire momentarily.

"You gunna warm me up?" he teased, "because I can think of somewhere that's pretty warm," he buzzed as he pushed his hips into hers, thoroughly distracted. She just looked up at him through her brown lashes, slowly shaking her head in humoured disbelief, but quite happy to be in charge of warming him up the minute they got home.

Seth had stood by and watched in open mouth envy, basically taking notes, as Jake and Ness had their intimate tête–à–tête.

After saying their goodbyes to whoever was left around the fire, and not really caring they were leaving their own party early, the couple trudged up the sand, hand in hand, her unplayed guitar swinging as they walked. They were half way back when the first blobs of rain started to fall. Jake held tight to Nessie's hand as he helped her attempt to run, for the first time, in almost five months, and on sand too, mind you. By the time they got to the car they were both pretty wet, Jake ran to her door, unlocking it before running around and jumping into his side.

They were giggling like children as they slammed the doors shut, Nessie tossing the guitar on the back seat. Jake started the engine and got the heater going, his fingers outstretched over the vents in an attempt to warm himself up. He had been fuelled by his own rage when he'd left the bonfire with Aponi, and he hadn't noticed the bitter wind as it shot through his thin layer of clothes, but as his emotions cooled, so too did his temperature. And now, he was fucking freezing.

Ness leaned over to him, her hands vigorously rubbing up and down his shoulder and over his back. She leaned further and started to pepper warm kisses over the side of his face and jaw.

"Feeling warmer yet?" she asked softly. He leaned back and let her lavish her love over him, her kisses were petite, soft and gentle and they left his skin tingling, each little spot a testament of her devotion. "Do you want to tell me what happened?" she asked tenderly between soft peck's, as the car sat idling in the car park.

Jake sighed, closing his eyes and leaning into her as she kissed the edge of his eyelid. "There's nothing to say, really. She's got this insane idea that her and I should be together, but only because of the whole heritage thing. She doesn't seem to care that I can't stand the sight of her. Or that you were standing right there. That was really rude," he frowned looking down as he absently traced the VW symbol on the steering wheel horn. "And I love my people," he said finally, so quietly that Ren could hardly hear what he's said over the noise of the rain.

"Oh babe," she soothed. "Of course you do… She is such a bitch," she stated, mimicking his sister's words. No one questioned Rachel's absence off the Res thought Ness, why then Jake's? Deep down, she knew why. He's the son, and the son carries the family name. It was as simple as that. Renesmee ran her fingers over the whalebone bead that was knotted through her wrist band. She hadn't realised it at the time, but it had been made in the pattern of a promise ring. He had lovingly carved the smooth bone for her, before he even knew if she would go out with him. He had shared something of very high cultural significance with her, she hadn't know it at the time, but now she was honoured by that gesture.

This weekend he seemed so happy, so calm and content. She wondered if he missed living immersed with his own people and culture.

After a few seconds of inner thought, Ness shifted in her seat, her leg folding under her as she turned so she was facing Jake side on. "She was right you know, even though I loath to admit that. You are Quileute. You are a Black. I don't think I realised how ingrained your family are in this special place until tonight."

She lifted his hand, and laced their fingerers together, the bands around their wrists lining up. "I promise you Jacob, that you will always be connected to this place. I don't want to be the reason you pull away. Your children will know this place, their people, know their histories. I want them to know both our cultures. They're going to speak French and Quileute as well as they'll speak English."

Jake pulled the pretence of a scrunched-up face, "Quileute's pretty hard to learn, dad doesn't even speak it well," he said, his beautiful cheeky grin forming.

She gave him a play full nudge, "Don't be smart, you know what I mean, between you and your father, they will know what it means to be Quileute," she declared. "Even if they are only half blood," she added a little morosely.

Now it was his turn to face Ness, taking her by both hands from where they were on her lap and giving them a strong reassuring squeeze. "Ness, yeah, I'm gunna always wear my hair long, I like carving, and I wanna teach my own son one day, but I-don't-give-a-shit-about-the-blood!" he shook her a little as he articulated each word, hoping this would be the end of the discussion.

"But some people do," she stated matter-of-factly, refusing to let the topic go.

"Fuck them!" he cursed, motioning his hand over his shoulder to any abstract person who would petition against them. "It doesn't matter where we are, here on the Res, or in the Safeway on 24th street, there's always going to be someone who won't approve of us," he said, his hands gesturing wildly. "I refuse to make my life decisions on the opinions of others. I'm not leaving your side," he said, tapping himself on the chest, "and you're not leaving mine," he self-retorted, pointing to her. "So why are we even having this conversation?" he beseeched, his hands open in question to the spirits.

She looked up, into Jacob's dark eyes, they were yearning for understanding, radiating his trust and conviction and burning with his love. Her face lifted, her lips parting across her teeth into a beautiful smile, her whole face lighting up from within as she had the epiphany of wisdom.

"You're right, I don't know why we're having this conversation either," her head shaking in self-reprimand. "I love you more than life itself, Jacob. And you're my soul mate, my best friend, my reason for… for everything. Jake, I will go with you; wherever life takes us, whether it be La Push, Seattle or… or Simiane la Rotonde. No one will keep us apart," she avowed, her eyes sparking as the other cars in the lot shone their headlights across the wet windscreen as they drove past the Rabbit. Then feeling a little self-conscious of her unguarded and unrestricted declaration of love and commitment, Nessie broke off the eye contact and looked out over the dash, "Just in case you weren't sure."

Jake had been moved by her little speech, but seeing her blush and her shyness, he just let out a loud releasing laugh. This was the Nessie he loved, the girl after the attack had built up a few barriers, but slowly she was letting herself back out, and he was revelling in this returning woman.

"Have I told you how much I love you tonight?" he asked, as he brushed a stray curl away from her brow.

"Not in the last hour or so," she smiled.

"Well then Renesmee Masen, I. Love. You," he said, planting a little kiss on her pink, warm lips. He turned back to face the front, putting the car in gear and draping his arm over her shoulder. "And any way, I love white bread," he added as a quick, up yours to his ex as they started on the road, Ness laughing and feeling the joy of their own little bubble, just them… together… in his car.

Until next time. Review if you liked :-D M