The Random Megaman Parody Show: Third Strike

By: Metal Sonic EX

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Megaman series. Nor do I own anything else that they might choose to make fun of.

Parody #36

A Tribute To The Angry Video Game Nerd

By: The Battle Network series

(MSX walks onto the stage with Tomahawk Man, Lan, Maylu, and Protoman.)

MSX - Armake. Fat Mann Judgeth. The Nerd himself. They are so many over-the-top reviews that I figured that it was time for me to jump on the bandwagon and force my favorite characters from this series to review the four worst games I've ever played. I wouldn't suggest these games to the people who made them.

Lan - They're that bad?

MSX - And possibly worse. Anyways, let's go down the list of my favorites, starting with number one.

Tomahawk Man - I'll be reviewing Shitty Game #4, King of Fighters XII. Now, let's take a look. Average graphics. Average characters. Average moves. Average series. I wish I could stop here, but I can't. I also can't help shake the feeling that I've seen this somewhere before.

(Tomahawk Man puts in the game.)

Tomahawk Man - Okay, as the apparent usual of the series, the plot isn't worth shit. So, let's play. Okay, decent voicework. Okay. Graphics and sound are typical this day in age. But, still… Anyways, characters are average as usual. Moves are average as usual with the possible exception of one or two. Wait a minute! Now I know where I remember this from!

(Tomahawk Man puts in Fatal Fury for the Sega Genesis.)

Tomahawk Man - This is the same fucking game that was on the Genesis! What the fucking hell?! You've got three characters, moves, specials, half-ass graphics… What the fuck?! After an ungodly amount of sequels and the eventually name change, King of Fighters XII remains unchanged since its' debut on the Genesis, save more characters and better graphics. What a fucking load of shit!!

MSX - True, I'd play KoF XII over Fatal Fury any day, but still… Come on! The same fucking game over a course of a decade? What the fuck gives?! Thus concludes KoF XII. Next is Protoman.

Protoman - I'm here to review Shitty Game #3, Pac-Man World 2. Okay, first off, the looks. Graphics are good. Music's good. MSX's seen few games with sound effects that are so crisp. But, it gets real shitty real fast. First level is the Pac-Village. Okay, Pac-Man is spontaneously an entire race, but whatever. Just as long as the game is good… Anyways, you collect fruit, pac-dots, tokens to unlock Pac-Man mini-games, the usual.

MSX - -snorts- Keep going.

Protoman - Challenge level: Decently easy. But, then again, all first levels are supposed to be easy. Second level: the woods. Challenge level: Still Decently Easy. True, the difficulty's a little higher, but nothing much.

MSX - I'll narrate this part myself. For those of you nerd fans out there, if you've seen his reaction the Rocky for the Sega Master System, that's what my reaction was to this.

Protoman - Third level: Icecap. Difficulty level: Holy Fucking Shit!! How do you go from being so easy to, at times, impossible to perfect.

MSX - It's true. Look it up.

Protoman - Okay, got past the level with the skin of my balls. Fourth level: volcano.

MSX - Ah, the ever-so-annoying fire levels. Remember the difficulty jump from Apollo Creed to Clubber Lang? Well, that's the transaction from stage two to stage three. Got that? Now do it again.

Protoman - Challenge level: Oh My Fucking God!! I'm Going To Fucking Kill Someone!! The icecap was hard enough, but this is absolute bullshit. And on top of that, the boss of the level is the red ghost!

MSX - Don't get it? Well, let me put it to you this way. On my best, and only successful, attempt to beat the boss, I went from eighty-eight lives to thirty-two. That's fifty-six lives on one boss. That bastard is the most cuss-inducing boss I've ever faced in my lifetime.

Protoman - What the fuck where the producers smoking?! Anyways, you get by that level at the cost of your soul and your sanity, the fifth level is the underwater levels.

MSX - Remember that Rocky transaction and how you've applied it twice already? Do it again!

Protoman - Challenge level: I'M FUCKING E-BAYING THIS PIECE OF SHIT!!!

MSX - Yeah, that's how far I got before I got angry and sold it. As for how hard the last level is… I don't know and I truly don't care. The game was nearly impossible on the third level. So the sixth, I imagine, would be Satan himself playing against you. Thus concludes Shitty Game #3. Next is Lan.

Lan - I'm here with Shitty Game #2, Tecmo's Deception.

MSX - I don't recall what else Tecmo's done, but I remember that it rocked. Now, as for me personally, I'm a Christian. This game's about resurrecting Satan to reek vengeance on your two-timer, shit-eating brother who's framed you for killing your father, the king. The whole resurrecting Satan thing was an instant turn-off for me, but I still gave it a try. Not a day goes by that I don't regret it.

Lan - Okay, the first level is some kind of afterlife lounge. Okay. Pretty cliché surroundings. You walk around and learn about some kind of race to revive Satan I think. Anyways, you soon come across a douche who's out to kill you for no reason. It's probably Jehovah's Witness.

MSX - Yeah, probably.

Lan - Anyways, so the first puzzle of the game. You got to activate three traps in a certain order and lose health in the process. Next, you…

MSX - That's were I stopped and went, 'Say what?! I have to get hurt to get further into the game?!' What if I accidentally got the wrong order and had to start over. Too bad, don't have enough health. I'm dead, again, and I get a Game Over. Fuck this. Returned to case. Returned to store. Exchanged for a non-blasphemous game. End of story. And this ends Tecmo's Deception. Finally, Maylu, my fourth favorite character of the series, will narrate the number one worst game I've ever played.

Maylu - Thank you. But, do I have to swear?

MSX - Fuck yeah!

Maylu - -sigh- Fine. And now, Shitty Game #1, Spawn: The Eternal.

MSX - This game's so bad, it's on the list on Wikipedia of the worst games ever made. Right up there with E.T., Bomberman: Act Zero, and Custer's Revenge.

Maylu - Okay, so you start the game in a 3D environment as Spawn. Okay, that's cool. Spawn's fucking sweet. But, he doesn't have his cape. Well, you can't be perfect. So, you find some guy with numb nuts walking around aimlessly and you enter a 2D dimension. Um… Okay… I didn't have time to react and now I'm getting my ass kicked. Oh! And now he's got the cape. Okay, pause and look at the manual for the moves.

MSX - But wait, folks! What if you're me and you don't have one?! Two words: Button Mashing!!

Maylu - Okay, so I was extremely cheap and the guy's out cold. So, I go through the first level, fight a few bosses, and yay! The second level: medieval times. Now, I'll just… Wait… Why is Spawn blue and white? I didn't get the game to play as a blue and white Spawn. A blue and white Spawn is gay! Give me his black suit back! Oh well…

MSX - Oh no! Do you know what that is, kiddies?

Maylu - Great, another 3D-to-2D-conversion-that-takes-less-than-a-second fight. And guess what? The cape's back. At least it's still red. So, why can't Spawn be black? Anyways, beat the guy and, oh look. Cape's gone again. Why won't they let you keep the cape? The cape's fucking sweet! Anyways, I beat a few bosses and I'm at the third level: the Amazon or some other tropical jungle bullshit. Oh… Great… Now Spawn looks like a native. Actually, he looks like he's made of wood.

MSX - If you can get a screenshot, he does.

Maylu - Now, fight some more guys, cape's still red, cape isn't in normal mode, anger rising. Okay, third world, third stage. Now, I'll get a running jump and… -falls down- Oh well. I must not have been far enough. -backs up to the far wall- Okay, running jump! -misses the jump even more than before- Um… Okay, I can make this jump. They wouldn't release the game if you couldn't, right?

MSX - Several weeks later…

Maylu - FUCK!!! I CAN'T MAKE THIS FUCKING JUMP THAT A TODDLER COULD MAKE!! WHY CAN'T I MAKE THIS FUCKING JUMP!!! Okay, calm down… Calm down… Let's use Gameshark.

MSX - Blasphemy.

Maylu - Okay, I've got every code on the disc on right now. So, up and over! -misses the jump- FUCK!!! Okay, skip the level.

MSX - To be truly honest, from here on, I just kept skipping levels, too much of the same old shit just laying around.

Maylu - Okay, final level: Hell. And, he's black again. Why couldn't he be black before? Anyways, I face Gabriel, win, and go on. Okay… Um… Uh… Now what do I do…

MSX - After about an hour, I skipped the level.

Maylu - Level four, stage two. Hey, stairs! We haven't seen enough of those already! Now, I guess I've got to… go… up… the… stairs? -listens to the BGM-

MSX - BGM is the background music. Okay, let me set the scene for you. The Exorcist. Scariest movie ever right? Actually, it's overrated up the ass. I wasn't scared at all. I was just creeped out a little. Now, listen to this music at one in the morning with no lights on aside from the TV for ten minutes. After the time is up, two things will have happened. Number one: The Ring effect. You died of fright. Or number two: You lost your mind. I've heard some pretty creepy BGM before and this is Hell, but Doom took place on Hell and that music was kickass. This music is just over the top, make-you-shit-your-pants kind of stuff.

Maylu - -in the fetal position-

MSX - Maylu?

Maylu - -in the fetal position- Mommy… I want mommy… -sucks thumb-

MSX - Heh… Okay then. At this point in time, I sold the game and got Megaman Anniversary Collection from the money. I had more fun with it, but… Anyways, I didn't finish the level, I just stopped on the stairs, listened to the music for a few minutes, and turned the game off, never to put it back into the system. How close was I to the final boss? What did the last levels sound like? Were there anymore of those impossible jumps? I truly don't give a fuck. And now, to finish the parody in typical nerd fashion.

(MSX reaches into a cooler, pulls out a Rolling Rock, opens it, and chugs it down.)

Next time: The ZX series gets parodied.