[Saturday, April 30 con't]

"What are you doing?" Shelley asked.

Tami was shoving her father's old camping equipment, which she'd pulled out of the attic, into the trunk of her sedan. "Mrs. Hernandez died," she told Shelley. "I feel like I just need to be alone tonight. I'm going to the spot where Dad used to take us camping."

The spot was a little alcove in the woods by the lake, what he'd called their "secret paradise," a pretty green splash of soft grass in the midst of an otherwise rocky shore, nestled in a circle of trees, just beyond the water, with a view of the lake through an opening in the foliage. Tami went there every now and then, when she was feeling down, swam in the lake, hiked back into the "secret paradise," lay a towel on the grass, and looked up at the clear Texas sky.

She'd thought of taking Mo there once, when he'd wanted to fool around. She'd wanted more space than a car, and she'd considered the secret paradise, but she hadn't taken him in the end. That was her place. She wasn't going to let Mo in there. The secret paradise was for contemplation and healing, not for merely messing around.

She'd spent an hour or two there, over the past few years, but she hadn't spent a full night there since the last time her father had taken her camping, on her 12th birthday, the week before the accident that took his life. Just the two of them had gone that year, though he'd taken Shelley on past trips.

Dad had sat beside her on the big, flat rock that overlooked the opening in the foliage that peeked like a periscope on the lake. He'd told her, "Tami toes, my princess, you're growing up. And it scares me. But I know you have to, and one day," he stretched his arm out, pointing through the opening in the trees to the vast lake of rippling green-black water, and then pointed up to the Texas sky, which was dancing with stars, "you're going to own this world, princess."

Tami had laughed, and called him ridiculous, and he'd said, "You have no idea what you can accomplish, Tami, if you just put your mind to it. No idea. There's something special about you. I know you think every dad says that of his daughter, but…" He shook his head. "You know how to love, Tami. You know how to love this world. So love it. When you grow up, love all the broken people in it."

It wasn't until she was a bit older that she realized his whimsicalism that night might have had something to do with the six pack of beer he'd drained while he was setting up the camp.

Shelley crossed her arms over her chest now and peered in the trunk with concern.

"Please tell Mom I'm spending the night at Sarah's tonight," Tami told her. "I already called Sarah and told her to cover for me if Mom calls."

"Tami…I don't know that it's a good idea for you to be out there alone in the woods."

"It's fine. We've never come across anything but a rabbit and some nonpoisonous snakes back there."

"What if there's some crazy guy out there?"

"There's no crazy guy out there, Shelley. I need this! Okay?"

"Okay, Tam." Shelley stepped forward and hugged her. It wasn't often they hugged. "I love you, sis," Shelley said. "Be careful."

Tami got in her sedan, cranked the sorry engine to a start, and drove toward the lake.

[*]

It was getting dark. Tami had gotten the tent up, after much struggling, but she couldn't keep the fire going. She hated herself for not being able to. Her father had taught her how. She wasn't a stupid, incompetent girl. She could do things. Why wouldn't the goddamn fire stay lit?

She threw the thick box of matches on the ground and screamed, "Fucking useless matches!"

Fine. She'd just eat the hot dogs without cooking them, if she ate at all. And she'd use the flashlight to get settled in the tent. She didn't need the fire for heat, anyway, not in April. It was fine.

Then why was she so angry at the twigs, lying in a haphazard pile in the midst of the unbroken circle of stones? Why were the tears breaking out again, over a fire that wouldn't stay lit?

She stared at the circle of gray and white stones and thought of one of the hymns they'd sung at Dad's funeral:

Will the circle be unbroken, by and by, Lord, by and by….

Would it? she wondered. Would she ever see her father again? Mrs. Hernandez? Eric? Eric was alive, of course, but would she ever see him again? Really see him?

"Tami."

She yelped at the sudden sound of a human voice.

"Shhh!" Eric put a hand on her shoulder. "It's just me."

She had no idea why he was here, how he had gotten here, what he wanted, what lay ahead of them…she didn't know anything, but she threw herself in his arms, like she was drowning, and let go the flood gate holding back her tears, and when he held her tight, and said, "Shhh….Shhhhhh….I'm here. I'm here," she felt that massive wave of sorrow begin to ebb.

[*]

Tami made her way back from the water, where she'd gone to wash her face after crying for a while in Eric's arms. The ray of her flashlight penetrated the growing darkness, weaving a path of light for her feet, and eventually hitting the light from the fire he'd built while she was gone to the water. She clicked the flashlight off.

Eric had pulled a log in front of the fire, and was sitting on it. She sat down beside him, close by, almost touching his leg with her own, and laced her fingers together. She must look awful, she thought, her face blotched, her hair a mess, wearing her I-don't-care-if-they-get-dirty camping clothes.

"So…what are you doing here?" she asked. "How did you find me? Where's your truck?"

Do you still love me?

That last one she didn't ask.

"My dad saw the obituary in the paper, when he was reading it at dinner. He remembered you mentioning her, so he told me about it. I knew you'd be really upset. I know how important she was to you. I...I was worried about you being really sad. So I called you at home. Shelley told me about this place, more or less where it was. I parked probably a mile back because I wasn't sure how to find it. I walked around, looking for a sign of a camp site, a fire or a trail or something. Eventually I heard you shouting at the matches."

He inched a little closer, so that his shoulder was just barely touching hers. Tami wanted to be angry with him, to yell at him for the way he'd dumped her, to tell him to go away.

But she needed him too much.

"I'm sorry about Mrs. Hernandez," he said softly. "I was worried about you being out here alone." He cautiously put an arm around her shoulder.

She thought of shaking it off, but she couldn't. It felt too comforting.

"I was worried about you hurting," he said.

She turned her face toward his.

He kissed her as if he didn't know how to do anything else but kiss her in that moment. It was so natural, so fitting, his lips on hers. She didn't want him to end up somebody else's Mr. Right.

The kiss broke, and he pressed his forehead to hers, a hand on her cheek. "I'm so sorry I broke up with you. I know life hasn't been easy for you. I know you have real financial concerns. I'm sorry I wasn't more sensitive to that. It's just that...well...every woman leaves me."

Tami pulled away. "What do you mean?"

"My mom didn't want me from the start. Then my grandma died. Then my aunt moved. Then Laura dumped me, or might as well have. I guess I thought it would be easier if I just lost you now, than if it happened a year or two from now, when I was even deeper in. But last week was so awful, Tami. I love you so much. I want to take the gamble. I want to date you as long as you're willing to be with me, however far apart we are. Will you please take me back?"

Under some other circumstance, she might have tried to punish him. But here, now, in the midst of her loss, it was so clear to her how much better he made her feel - about herself, about life, about loss, about everything. It was so clear to her how much he'd been aching, how scared he was, and how tenderly he felt toward her. "Yes," she said. "I forgive you."

He kissed her again.

"I saw you talking to some cheerleader at school."

"She's nobody, Tami. Just some girl who started a conversation with me. I don't even like her. I mean, I don't dislike her. But she's nobody."

"I figured. It still made me…scared? I guess because I realized you could move on."

"I don't want to move on."

They sat quietly for a while, looking at the fire, his arm around her. She told him she was hungry, and they roasted the hot dogs she had in the cooler and drank some water. She talked about Mrs. Hernandez, about how the woman made her laugh and how she made her think. "I'm going to go to the memorial service on Monday."

"Want me to come with you?" he asked.

"Would you?"

"Of course." He leaned his head against hers. "I don't want you here alone. I'm going to stay here with you tonight. A'ight?"

She nodded.

[*]

When Eric came into the tent after dampening the fire, she was in her Tyler Tigers t-shirt and the sweats she'd brought to sleep in. She must be incredibly un-sexy right now, she thought. She had the sleeping bag unzipped and spread out so they could both lie on it, with the light blanket she'd brought on top. Her flashlight lantern was on, lighting up the inside of the tent. She'd brought two pillows for herself, and instead of stacking them, put one next to hers for him.

"I'm just gonna sleep in my boxers if that's a'ight," he said. "It's kind of warm. I didn't bring anything."

"That's fine." She watched him strip, fold his clothes neatly, and lay them in the corner of the tent. He settled in next to her on the sleeping bag, and she switched off the lantern. Starlight filtered through the thin tent, enough for her to make out the shape of him as she eased into his arms and rested her head on his chest.

"Thank you," she said. "Thank you for coming, and thank you for staying."

He rolled to face her and kissed her. Their kisses began slowly and gently, but they grew in intensity. He caressed her cheek, toyed with her hair, and stroked her lower arm. Eventually, he shifted his position. She could tell he'd done it so she wouldn't feel how hard he'd grown, but she did feel him, against her leg.

"Sorry," he apologized. "I know it's not the right time. I'm just here for you. I can't help that. Ignore that."

"It's okay. Maybe I don't want you to help it." She slid a hand inside his boxers and grasped him.

He groaned. "Tami…"

She silenced him with a kiss and stroked him slowly for a moment. Then she slid her hand out of his boxers, took off her shirt, and tossed it to the corner of the tent. She shimmied out of her sweats and panties, and, naked, rolled back to him and kissed him again. Tami pressed herself against his erection, which threatened to protrude from the flap of his boxers, held together as it was by a single button.

"Tami," he murmured. "This is dangerous."

"Don't you have a condom in your wallet?"

He breathed in her ear, a sigh of desire and surprise and maybe remorse. "Yeah, but…you're vulnerable right now. You're upset. Do you really want this?"

"I do, Eric. I want you close. I want you inside me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I need you tonight."

He rolled quickly to his side, reached across the tent, and snatched up his jeans. He dug out his wallet, and, from it, a foil packet, which he set between them on the sleeping bag.

When he was face to face with her again, he kissed her and caressed her breasts until she was whimpering.

He picked up the packet again and ripped it open, asking, "You want to put it on me?"

"I don't really…I only had sex the one time."

He put the condom on himself while he kissed her neck. "You want to be on top?" he asked. "Or under me? Or you want it from the side?"

She blushed, suddenly aware of how much less experienced she was than him. "I don't know. Which is better?"

He laughed, a low, sexy, happy sound. "Whichever one you want is better, Tami."

"I just…I just want you to be in charge," she told him. "I trust you."

"Yeah?" He put a hand between her legs on her bare, inner thigh.

"Yes," she said as he spread her legs gently open. "Tutor me, Eric."