Chapter 34

Drive

The sky began to lighten as Korra hit the halfway point in the book on her lap. Several of the scrolls were spread before her on the balcony, held down with pieces of wood from the fire place. The other hardcover –"Basic Fire Bending History and Techniques" – was also by her side, opened towards the end of the text, about three-quarters through. Her back was to the open door. She was hunched over, flipping between all of the information before her. Though her eyes were sore from exhaustion, they continued reading and staring at the variety of knowledge around her. She had memorized some of the basic kata already, even practiced them in the limited space in her bedroom. She was on to the advanced now, eyeing the way the arms flowed around each movement. It was a bit more rigid than Water Bending, but still held a similar concept.

There are a lot more kicks and punches in this form, too. It's almost purely offensive.

She flicked through several pages in the book beside her, which showed several other katas. She tore her attention away from the diagrams once the sun started to crawl across the horizon.

Finally.

Korra shrugged off the blanket that she took from her borrowed bed and straightened her posture. She folded her legs agura style and flipped back to the beginning of the "Basic Fire Bending History and Techniques" text.

"Fire is the element of power," she read aloud for the second time, ensuring that her entire body would focus and hear the words. "Fire Bending draws its power from the sun." She lifted her gaze and stared at the rising sun, which cast a yellowish glare across the rear side of Caldera City. She could see many of the mountains and forested areas leading out to the sea from her position. The rays bounced off of her skin, warming her up from the cold chill of the current swirling around her.

Warmth…

Korra closed her eyes and allowed herself to feel the sun. She felt a small amount of energy move inside of her, as if it were reacting to its power. She popped one set of lids open and scanned the rest of the page.

"Fire Bending does not come from physical strength alone, but rather, the control of one's breath. If left to itself or without proper control, a fire will consume everything it can."

Okay, breath control. In, out. In, out.

She shut her lids once more and respired in deep, controlled rhythms.

Feel the sun. Feel the chi. Breathe.

Korra repeated the thoughts as she inhaled. She tried to move and direct the chi within her.

Come on… just a little bit of fire…

She was grasping at straws. Sweat dripped down the side of her face. Her hands started to shake as they rested on her knees, palms facing upwards. She gritted her teeth and continued her attempts at directing her chi. Her muscles tightened. After a moment, she broke her concentration and position, a growl of frustration escaping her. She slammed her fists down to each of her sides and glanced between the multiple texts surrounding her.

"I don't understand. Why isn't this working? I'm doing everything the damn books are telling me to do!" Korra threw her hands up in frustration and folded them across her chest into a pout. She stared at the sun as it mocked her, its natural ability to generate heat taunting her. "You know what, sun? You're not that great!" She stood up and shook a fist at the orb in the sky. "The moon is so much better than you!" She insulted the star, as if hurting it with words would make Fire Bending any easier.

That's not going to help.

"I know it's not!" She plopped back onto the ground and sighed. "I stayed up all night reading this stuff, and still nothing." Korra groaned and rubbed her tired eyes.

Maybe you just need sleep.

"Yeah, like that's going to happen. No, I'm not quitting. I'm going to keep trying until I make fire, dammit."

Korra returned to her cross-legged position and opened her palms. She closed her eyes and breathed, feeling the sun on her skin. Her chi flowed within her, though much of the movement was tumultuous and hard for her to control.

"Come on, just a little bit…" she whispered to herself, her jaw tight in concentration. Another drop of sweat slid down her tan skin. Her arms shook once more. Just as she thought she had something, her body snapped again. She hunched over and balanced her torso with her palms against the ground. "Why isn't this working?" She growled, frustrated beyond belief. "This is just like Water Bending all over again. 'Feel the chi', they say. 'Feel it swirl within you, feel it swirl in the water, feel the heat from the sun, breathe'," she mocked all of her past instructors – the texts surrounding her included – with a contortion of her voice and a flail of her arms to amplify her annoyance.

She pouted and crossed her arms again. "I don't get it. I'm feeling the sun, I'm controlling my breath. What am I missing?"

"Sure, you can stand here and feel the Earth's sun all day, but if you have nothing inside, then Fire Bending won't exist at all."

Korra sighed. "That's right. I need an inner sun – a drive. What drives me? What drives me?" She narrowed her eyes and stared at the railing in front of her, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth in concentration.

It's certainly not a Satomobile, that's for sure.

I don't think they mean literally drive. Besides, that would be Asami then –

A thought crossed her mind.

"What is it that keeps you going? What is it that makes you want to survive, day in and day out? What is your purpose, Korra, for being alive?"

She closed her eyes and assumed her agura position. There was a powerful look of determination on her face. She felt the sun on her skin, paused to feel her current breath swirl inside of her.

"What is it that keeps you going?"

Desire. She wanted to do so many things in her life. She wanted to travel the world, go on adventures, see a Pro-Bending match, meet an Air Bender, see Asami –

Her heart skipped a beat.

Asami.

"What is it that makes you want to survive, day in and day out?"

Stubbornness. She was much too hot-headed to go down without a fight, to let people take advantage of her without suffering from her bark or bite. Nothing was going to stop her, if she could do anything about it.

Though there were times when I did give in, when I let the darkness consume me.

Her internal energy faltered a bit, as if the negative thoughts created a black vacuum to suck away the light inside of her. She tried to shake it off and move onto the next question.

"What is your purpose, Korra, for being alive?"

She struggled with this one. More sweat formed and left her brow. Her arms were quivering again as she tried to control the chi within her.

"What is my purpose? What is my purpose?"

She whispered the question over and over to herself, just as unsure of the answer after each repetition.

What is my purpose? Why am I here? I can't Water Bend like my parents wanted. I got kicked out of college. I'm not exactly wealthy or super physically skilled. I don't have a job. People have been taking care of me since I can remember. So what, in the name of all of the Spirits, am I even doing on this damn planet?

The negativity darkened the control inside of her. While her points and questions were valid, the feeling of isolation, of not belonging, of being useless to the world began to overwhelm her. It sucked the energy right from her grasp and shot it into the wild pools riddled throughout her body.

What is my purpose? Why am I here? What have I done in my eighteen years of life?

The first image that popped into her head was Naga. She saw herself carrying the young pup in her arms during the snowstorm, digging a hole for them to hide in until the squall was over. She saw herself running errands for her parents, delivering food to Master Katara's hut and keeping her company in the lonely hours of the young night.

Fast forward to her time in Republic City.

Her hands over the chest of a girl who couldn't breathe, pumping life into her.

Her arms around a crying Asami as the raven mourned the loss of her mother.

Her fist shooting fire to protect the one she loved.

She tried to skip over the guilt of running away – and the act of leaving altogether – but her memories were out of her control. They continued to flick through different scenarios.

Finding a home for Ahyoka.

Protecting Kazoku from the Triple Threats.

Giving Engetsu a shirt and a gold piece.

The cycle of thoughts spiraled in her head, increasing in speed as each rotation completed. The wheel spun until she couldn't handle it anymore. It flew off the axis and crashed. Darkness filled her sight.

'What is it you want in this life? What are your heart's desires?' The voice – that damned familiar voice – echoed in her head. The recollection played itself from a few months before, the question mirroring that which Zuko asked her in meaning.

Her voice in the memory and her physical voice responded at the same time, in the exact same way:

"I want to make a difference."

The fire grew inside of her, its energy coming straight from her own chi. The flames grew white, the intensity almost too much for her to handle. It was a different kind of blaze, though; it wasn't laced with the red rage she was used to. Instead, there was something… something different. She directed it to her palms, which were upright and shaking. She could feel the transformation of her internal fire into the external. Smoke started to billow from her burning fingertips.

Korra ignored the stinging and held onto the feeling, held onto her drive, her internal sun.

I want to be someone, someone my parents can be proud of, someone that the world can be proud of, someone that… someone that I can be proud of. I want to be strong, I want to be a Warrior, I want to be better than the person I am right now. I just want to do something.

Her fingers grew hotter and hotter. The smoke spread into the entirety of her palm. She ignored the way it burned her skin, her focus more on trying to get the chi out of her in the form of fire than just leaving it at her surface. Realization penetrated her thoughts.

I'm almost there, almost there…

She took another breath, focused her control. Sweat made its way down her face and dripped onto the ground.

"I want to make a difference. I want to make a difference."

Korra.

She flew back, all of her control lost. The smoke dissipated just as fast. She snapped herself into the wall behind her, her spine smacking the stone. She panted, her arms convulsing on her thighs, her knees bent upward towards her chest.

"That voice," she whispered, closing her eyes to shut it out.

It – it was new. It – it wasn't a memory.

Nonsense. There's no voice, Korra.

There was.

You're losing your mind.

She sighed. "Maybe I am."

"Are you alright, Korra?"

She jumped to the sound of the male voice beside her. Her lids flew open. She craned her neck up to see Zuko standing in the doorway. Korra was at a loss for words.

How much did he see? How much does he know?

She panicked on the inside.

Fuck! Shit. What if he saw me? What if he heard me? The smoke, the smoke from my hands – fucking Spirits, what did he see?

He linked his hands behind his back and examined the texts surrounding her. "Looks like you've been doing some reading. Couldn't sleep?"

She shook her head and avoided his eyes, still trying to drown out the anxiety inside of her while masking it at the same damn time. She rubbed her palms against her arms, trying to rid herself of the burning she felt on her skin from her Fire Bending attempt.

"Well, I suppose we should see what you've learned." He bent down and offered his hand to Korra.

She stared at the pale palm for a moment, confusion and utter exhaustion in her eyes. After a minute of cooling her own hands off, she grabbed it.

Zuko pulled her to her feet and gripped her shoulders to steady her when she swayed.

She didn't get much sleep at all, did she?

I'll have to keep an eye on her, make sure she doesn't fall or pass out again.

Korra scurried about after she got her footing, rolling up the scrolls and shutting the books – anything to keep her busy and able to avoid the Fire Bender beside her. She rose with a sheepish look and maneuvered around him into the bedroom. She set the books on the nightstand and scampered back to the balcony for the wood and blanket. She tossed the logs back into the mantel and spun around to return the linen when she noticed her clothes on the mattress, folded in a neat pile. She froze in her tracks, bewildered.

"The servants who brought you dinner last night noticed your clothing was a bit dirty. They cleaned it for you." Zuko filled in the details when he saw her befuddled face.

"Oh! Thank-you!" She beamed and lifted one of her shirts, admiring its fresh look.

"Get dressed, Korra, and meet me in the balcony for breakfast. Afterwards, we'll get under way." He put a palm on her shoulder as he walked by.

The Water Tribe girl watched after him, a mixture of emotions fluttering through her.

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