The day Mai left dawned stormy and grey. Though it wasn't unusual for autumn in the Fire Nation, it still left Azula with a chill on her skin. She took a scalding bath to sear away the cold, but still the clouds loomed heavy, oppressive, stifling.
While in the bath she noticed the large trunk in one corner of the room. Filled with perfumes and scents, it was the very same chest Mai had given her for her ninth birthday. Azula didn't like looking at it. It reminded her of things she wanted to forget. Perhaps she would order the servants to drag it away, throw it away, get it out of her sight.
Azula doubted whether she would even be going to see Mai off if her father wasn't. As Mai's father was a high-ranking official, it was appropriate that the Fire Lord was present at his sendoff. And Azula, who felt something like an extension of her father, was going along as well.
Less expected was Zuko, who had made it clear that he wished to accompany them. Azula supposed it was because he found Mai pretty—or maybe her brother was just trying to curry favor with Ozai.
Either way, it was irritating to see him walk into the hall for breakfast, smiling wider than usual. He seated himself beside her and spoke despite her lack of an invitation.
"Uncle Iroh's coming home soon! I got a messenger hawk this morning."
"Oh." The news was certainly not going to help Azula's mood. She stabbed a grain of rice with a chopstick and imagined it was Zuko's idiotic, smiling face. "How soon?"
"He didn't say exactly. Maybe a month or so?"
"Lovely," Azula said under her breath. At least it wasn't a week. She didn't look forward to seeing their uncle's face again, to watch him spend every waking hour at the side of his nephew.
They had just finished eating when a servant arrived to inform them that Ozai was waiting for them to depart. The siblings hastened into the grounds of the palace, where Ozai was already seated in his palanquin. Azula and Zuko mounted their own transports, and the royal train moved out through the gates.
The ocean was a grey to match the sky. It suited Azula's mood well. As the royal family arrived, Mai's family hurried to meet them. First Ozai and Takiro exchanged official pleasantries, leaving Azula bored and trying to avoid eye contact with Mai. Then all three of Mai's family bowed, made their goodbyes and thank-yous, and turned back to embark onto the ship.
As Mai went up the ramp, she looked back over her shoulder. Her eyes met Azula's, and the two retained eye contact for a few fleeting seconds before Mai kept walking.
Her hair down, eyes impassive, framed against the grey sky—it was the last image Azula would have to remember Mai by for a long time.
Then they disappeared onto the deck, and the ship pulled up the anchor and began to leave harbor, and the royals began to make their way back to the palace once more.
Loneliness was a cowardly emotion. She should shove it away, cut it away, pretend that it never existed—no, she shouldn't be feeling it at all. Azula was so tired of these unwanted intrusions. She did not want to miss Mai. She did not want to miss Ty Lee. She did not want to feel worthless, a failure, just because she did miss them.
When she had finally stopped feeling things before, the numbness hadn't been welcome either. The boredom and irritation that had accompanied her depression had almost been worse than the emotions she deemed weak.
What Azula wanted was very simple but very difficult. Happiness was so much harder to achieve than any of her other moods. She felt glimmers of it when her father smiled upon her with approval, and felt vindictive twinges of it when she upset Zuko, but nothing permanent. Nothing lasting.
Serenity was easy to achieve—she found it every time she pulsed lightning through her veins. Contentment was not what she was looking for. She wanted to smile and mean it. She wanted to embrace all that she had for what it was. If she was unsure of herself, unsure of her emotions, she could not pursue her goals adequately. A logical explanation for an irrational longing.
But somewhere in the depths of a mind unwilling to come face-to-face with the possibility, Azula was beginning to wonder if happiness would always elude her.
"Who was the Avatar when the first Fire Lord of your bloodline ascended, Princess?"
"Kuruk," Azula said, only half-listening to the question, as her right hand was occupied in scrawling answers to a long list of mathematical problems. Fourteen three times was forty-two. Forty-two divided into six was seven. The numbers came almost automatically to her mind, drilled there by endless repetition of these sets.
"Who was born into—"
"The Water Tribe. His life was marked by a notable absence of twenty—ah, a notable absence of wars or other conflicts. He paid more attention to his personal life than his Avatar duties." Azula's careful gaze caught an error, and she slashed through the offending line with more force than necessary.
"What were the circumstances of your ancestor Kogon's rise to the throne?"
Azula had to pause slightly in her equations to answer that question. Her quill lifted slightly into the air as if she was going to chew on it before descending back to the parchment to scrawl another answer. "The previous dynasty's system of city-states collapsed when a volcanic eruption wiped out the capital. Kogon, one of the lords in power, abolished the city-state system and unified the country under its current emblem, building his palace where we sit today."
"Very good, Princess." Lo rolled her scroll up, indicating that the hour of combined mathematics and history quiz had ended. Azula sighed, sitting back, and offered up her parchment for examination. For the first time on this set, she had managed to complete every question.
Lo took the paper and began to squint down at Azula's work, ensuring that every question was answered with perfect accuracy. Normally, these mathematical problems would be simple, but completing them while also being asked questions over history could confuse Azula. That was the point, since the ordinary exercises were far too easy.
"Very well done, Princess Azula," Lo said, returning the paper to Azula. "Perfect. And your grasp of history is impressive as well. We shall move on to the more complicated mathematics tomorrow, but this afternoon we move on to geography."
Azula nodded her acquiescence and sat back, waiting for the old woman to retrieve the correct textbook and deliver it to her.
Her enjoyment of her lessons had considerably dimmed since having Lo and Li start her tutelage. Unlike school, she could not derive pleasure from outperforming her fellow students. When Ozai had taught her, the right answer could earn a rare smile or compliment. And with her other tutors, she could manipulate them, needle them, push them. Not so with the twins. Ozai had made clear that he did not want to find another replacement. So Azula resorted to rebelling in the smallest possible ways—by accidentally tipping ink onto Li's skirts, or using the twins' aging minds against them, or, like today, by watching the crones get her books and scrolls for her.
They weren't even that heavy, but leaning over and standing back took a great toll on Lo, whose wizened face stretched with discomfort as she fetched the necessary volume from Azula's shelf and brought it back over to the princess.
Azula watched with interested eyes and the faintest of smiles.
Today, though, her amusement was interrupted with a brief knock on the door. Without a response, it opened to reveal Li, who shuffled into the room.
"A letter for you, Princess Azula," said Li. Sure enough, there was an envelope in her hand. Azula waited impatiently for Li to finally reach her and deliver it. She wasn't quite eager enough to actually get up.
The missive was unremarkable, with Azula's name written neatly in the center. The outside of the envelope did not identify the sender, so Azula ripped it open and unfolded the message within.
Azula,
I hope this works. I borrowed Mai's sealing wax before she left, so I hope it looks official enough. I'm going to intercept one of the royal messenger hawks and send it back your way! All my other messages get turned away at the door. I think the guards have been told to keep me away from you. I'm sure that's not your choice, right?
I have to see you. I can't sneak in anymore. Mai made me promise. But you can still get out, can't you? Please, you have to visit. I miss you so much, and I have a lot to tell you.
I don't know when you'll get this, and you probably won't respond. But I think we're still friends, so on the next full moon, I'm going to wait down by the docks. I hope you'll come. I want to see you.
Ty Lee.
Azula took the letter in one hand and watched it disintegrate in a tongue of fire and a rain of sparks. Li started at the sudden blaze, one wizened hand aloft, as if she dreamed of snatching the parchment from Azula's hands. She would have—all of Azula's mail had to be read, of course.
Azula's lips curled into a humorless smile. She would never betray Ozai, but how was he to know that? For him, screening her missives was a necessary action.
It was carelessness that Li hadn't happened to read the letter before it reached Azula's hands, and that mistake would likely never be replicated. Ty Lee's cleverness had paid off, but it probably never would again.
"What did it say, Princess?" Lo asked. Her voice was stiffer than usual. The twins would never outright threaten Azula, or even raise their voices, but they would certainly insinuate all that Ozai would do if she failed to cooperate with them.
"An invitation from the Royal Fire Academy," Azula said easily. "They'd love to have an illustrious alumna like me back for a special dinner."
"I didn't recognize their seal."
Azula shrugged. "I'm sure you don't recognize a lot of things. That's what old age does to us."
Lo—or perhaps Li; they had moved beside each other while Azula wasn't paying attention, and she had lost track of which was which—let out a deep sigh before the two sat down in unison. Lo flipped open the geography textbook, the one item that identified her from her sister, and began the afternoon's lessons.
Azula's mind, however, wasn't focused on major volcanic regions in the Fire Nation. She imagined Ty, intently serious, her tongue poking out from between her lips, scribbling away the letter in earnest. Ty, attempting to make it look half-official.
Ty, waiting for her in the glow of the next full moon.
She certainly had chosen an obscure meeting point. The docks were far from the palace, but also quite a distance from Ty Lee's hovel. Part of Azula couldn't help but wonder whether Ty wanted to keep Azula away from her family.
Who could blame her? Azula was dangerous.
Not going would be the smart thing to do. Going risked the worst sorts of retribution at the hands of her father. Going could mean weeks of shame and silence, weeks of sitting at Ozai's left hand and watching Zuko rise above her in their father's esteem.
Going would mean seeing Ty. Pure, kindhearted Ty, who would fling her arms around Azula and exclaim with joy and forgive the lengthy silence. Azula could already imagine Ty Lee's smile, her braid…she would have matured in the time apart, her arms and legs lengthening to allow her even more bizarre acrobatic feats.
Her mind was already made up, and for once Azula was not going to take the safest route.
"You're getting better."
Panting with exertion, brow dripping with sweat, Azula stood in a black-charred circle of stone, her fists still clenched at her side. Even with only a short-sleeved tunic and pants, and on a cold morning like this one, the exercise was more than enough to make her overheat.
Azula was finally able to propel herself off the ground and hover for a good ten seconds, though the effort it took was astounding. Conjuring and maintaining a steady stream of fire was more difficult than she ever could have imagined—though, as Ozai was sure to point out, its uses went far beyond hovering and flying. Shooting streams of fire from her hands could be just as devastating in battle.
"Thank you, Father," she managed, slowly regaining her breath. The most difficult part wasn't the initial thrust, or the hovering, she had discovered. It was letting herself down slowly, rather than allowing the fire to disappear and just falling onto the ground. "When do you think I'll be able to actually move?"
"You'll need to hover for much longer periods first," said Ozai, starting back down the trail toward where their palanquins were waiting. Azula followed. "At least thirty seconds. Any shorter, and you risk falling. We don't want that, do we?"
"No, Father," she murmured, though the question had been rhetorical.
Ozai had been in an unusually good mood recently. Perhaps it was the news that the Fire Nation's armies were tearing along the coast of the Earth Kingdom, crushing a resistance that had dared to spring up. Perhaps it was that the oldest class of soldiers in training would be graduating, and combat-ready, in a matter of weeks.
Whatever the reason, Azula was not complaining. Her father's good moods meant he was kinder to her, gentler to her, and the bruises were never quite as dark in the morning.
And here she was, risking her father's good mood by planning to meet Ty Lee in less than a week. Ever since she had made up her mind, Azula had been slightly nervous, just a little bit on edge. What if a guard caught her sneaking out? What if her absence was noted? The slightest mistake, and Ozai would know. And her life was not the only one at risk. Ozai would torture Azula, rape her, make her scream, but he would kill Ty Lee without a second thought for the crime of distracting his daughter more than once.
Azula could imagine the death of infinite hordes that mattered not at all to her, but the thought of Ty lying breathless and bloody on the ground, her large eyes devoid of light, was horrific.
But all these considerations had changed her mind not at all. She would simply have to be as careful as she could. She would ensure they both survived the encounter. And, if such precautions were necessary, maybe it would be the last time they met.
Their arrival back at the palace brought Azula away from her musings. She watched her father with wary eyes, unable to entirely wipe her mind free of the image of Ty Lee dead at his hands. What would Ozai say, she wondered, if he could see her fears?
But no need to wonder. She knew the answer.
He would laugh.
Azula redoubled her efforts in completing her work that afternoon, and the next day, and the next. She couldn't let herself become distracted; the slightest mistake could result in oversight from her father. She was going to give him no cause to suspect that she was planning anything at all, let alone a highly frowned-upon visit to a friend who shared a secret Ozai undoubtedly did not want getting out.
Lo and Li noticed her superb concentration, and compliments were quick to fly from their old, sagging lips. "Marvelously done, Princess." "Absolutely perfect!" "As befitting of the daughter of the Fire Lord." They, as usual, reported her progress to Ozai, and Azula was rewarded with a rare compliment.
She was being complimented, she observed, in her efforts to keep the truth hidden.
Azula held her plans secret and smiled.
She couldn't wear a cloak through the palace; that was too obvious. But she couldn't exactly walk through the city in her royal clothes, either. So Azula folded up her cloak and stuffed it into her shirt, hoping it wasn't too obvious.
Probably all the servants would just wonder when the princess had grown breasts.
The one danger was Ozai staying up late and calling for her after she had already left the palace. But her father didn't seem to share her difficulties with sleeping, and as it was only an hour before midnight, Azula hoped she was safe.
She purposefully chose halls where the servants rarely went, and was lucky enough to make it onto the grounds without being caught.
The soldiers patrolling along the top of the walls came and went at regular intervals. Azula waited at the bottom of the stairs up to the top of the wall until the guard monitoring her section passed, then climbed up and over, dropping herself slightly ungracefully on the other side.
It was lucky that the walls weren't too high; the Fire Lord had never before faced violence at the hands of his own people.
And the most dangerous bit was over. Azula pulled her cloak from under her shirt and wrapped it about her shoulders, pulling up the hood to make sure that, from a distance at least, her face was entirely obscured.
The city was eerie at nighttime. Not everybody was asleep—the nobles could afford to keep their houses lit at night. And the people who lurked in the darker alleys, those who engaged in unsavory activities after dark, they came to life as well.
Azula didn't draw much attention, as a slim, cloaked figure. She wasn't worried about potential threats to her life, but any charred corpses would draw attention in the morning.
In winter, the air was chilly at night, but Azula's cloak and the fire burning through her veins kept her plenty warm. Not so for many of the homeless figures she saw in the streets, clutching rags as blankets and huddled, desperately trying to keep warm.
They might as well have been statues for all the empathy they earned from the princess. She would probably care if, say, Ty Lee was homeless, but when the problem wasn't personal, Azula simply didn't care.
The walk was long and, by the time she neared the harbor, Azula's eyes were tired, her body wishing she had elected to sleep rather than make this journey. How ironic, that on so many nights in her bed she was kept awake by insomnia, but when she actually desired to stay awake, sleep was tantalizingly near.
But abruptly she was nearing her destination, and her sleepiness vanished. Every sense was alert as Azula neared the long docks. Huge battleships dwarfed the tiny sails of fishing vessels, and in between were the ships in which merchants stored and transported their wares. All looked eerie in the full moonlight; all were colored silver and black.
There was nobody immediately visible at the harbor, no figures to stand out against the moon-stained stone. Azula kept still in the alleyway. If she ventured into the open, some of the watchmen or sailors on the navy's ships might spot her.
Seconds bled into minutes. The docks remained abandoned, still, quiet. Sleep beckoned once again, and Azula caught her eyelids trying to close.
"You came!"
Azula was jolted out of one of her sleeping spells by a loud whisper and arms hugging her neck. Reflexes, honed to kill, had a flame dagger ready at the end of her right hand before her mind caught up to her body.
"You came, you came, you really came!"
The same arms spun her and caught Azula up into a proper hug. After a few numb seconds, Azula recognized the crush of the hug, the tones of that voice.
Ty Lee had grown considerably in their time apart—it seemed she had shot straight upward, and was now taller than Azula. Her arms were steady and muscular in their grip.
Her neck, where Azula's head had been pushed by their proximity, smelled faintly of sweat.
"Let go, Ty," Azula ordered, voice slightly muffled. A few seconds later, Ty Lee obeyed, but kept her hands on Azula's shoulders as though unwilling to part contact.
"Sorry. I got excited." She couldn't hold back a giggle, which prompted Azula to hush her and quickly look around to make sure they hadn't yet been discovered.
"Yes. I…came."
Ty Lee's eyes were as bright as ever, her face rounded and wide. Her braid was longer than Azula remembered, now reaching to her hips.
"I'm so happy to see you."
No wonder Ty's eyes were bright. Now they were tearing over. Good grief. Azula certainly didn't want to deal with crying.
"It's…nice to see you too, Ty." And it wasn't even a lie. It was wonderful to see her, in all her enthusiastic, emotional glory. Ty Lee was the one person with whom Azula had never felt the need to play games, never felt the need to wear a mask. Even alone, Azula felt pressured to wear the façade. With Ty, the pressure melted away.
"I've missed you soooo much!" Ty Lee brought Azula in for another hug, this one briefer than the last. "School is no fun without you. Even before Mai left, it was just one big blah." Ty lifted her arm to scrub the tears away from her cheeks. "But I don't want to talk about me. How are you? What have you been doing?"
Azula paused. What had she been doing? She had been training, and sitting with her father in war meetings, and studying lightning, and swallowing contraceptives, avoiding the watchful eyes of two new elderly spies, feuding with her brother…
It had almost been a year since they had last seen each other.
A year.
Azula had changed, but she hadn't realized how much until Ty Lee asked that question.
Ty Lee seemed to realize how awkward the question made Azula feel, for she quickly backpedaled, searching for safer ground. "Oh. Sorry. Dumb thing to ask, I know. Princessy things. Mastering bending. The usual."
Azula smiled again, this time more darkly. She couldn't immediately think of a response, but was soon to discover that a response was not, in fact, necessary.
"I wanted you to come because I have to tell you something," Ty Lee said, after a long pause. She avoided Azula's eyes while speaking, choosing instead to stare down at her feet. "Something important."
"Oh?" Something she did not want to hear, Azula knew—why else would Ty be so reluctant to speak?
"I'm…I'm leaving too."
The words hung in the air, Azula refusing to accept or understand them. "Leaving?" she echoed. "Where are you going?"
"The Earth Kingdom, I think." Ty still wouldn't look Azula in the eyes. She gazed out at the ships and the silvery water. "Somewhere different."
"The Earth Kingdom?" A hint of scornful disbelief colored Azula's voice. Her closest friend, fleeing to enemy territory? "Why?"
"I don't want to be here anymore," Ty Lee said, and now she turned to look Azula straight on. She was crying again, her tears reflecting silver moonlight. "With you and Mai gone, I don't like school. People avoid me. I think it's 'cause they know I don't belong there, not really. I'm not like them."
She smiled through the tears. Azula wondered whether Ty's ostracization could be due to their friendship. Who would risk making friends with someone who liked the vicious princess? Wouldn't want royalty getting jealous.
The thought didn't make her feel guilty.
"I'm not gone," Azula said harshly, choosing to ignore the second half of Ty Lee's statement. "I'm right here. I'm in the city. Mai's gone, but I'm not."
"You are, though," Ty Lee said quietly. "It's been months and months since I've seen you. You're always in the palace. You don't respond to my letters."
"My mail is being—!"
"I'm not saying it's your fault!" Ty amended hastily. "I know your father doesn't want you to see me. I know you made a risk by sneaking out. And I don't want to get you in trouble with your father, Azula. I still remember the last time."
Azula did too, but she wasn't about to admit that Ty Lee was right. She didn't respond, keeping her face still and her eyes cold.
"And if it's risky for you to see me, this might have been the last time anyway." Ty Lee lifted Azula's left hand and held it gently between her hands. For once, Azula did not try to pull away. "I don't want to leave you, Azula. But it can't be the same anymore, I think."
"Where will you go?" Azula repeated, after a few long seconds of silence. "You can't say you're just planning to wander the Earth Kingdom."
"You got me," said Ty, with a rueful grin. "I…oh, you'll laugh at me. I want to join the circus. There's a traveling troupe that performs in the colonies—"
"Sure, Azulon's Acrobats," Azula said. "I've heard of them."
Another awkward silence. Azula was now the one avoiding Ty Lee's gaze. She didn't want her friend to go. She wanted to order Ty Lee to stay. But there was no way she could actually enforce such an order without her father finding out, and she wouldn't put Ty Lee in such danger.
If this was to be their last meeting for a long time, she didn't want to end it on such a sour note.
"I'll miss you, Azula," Ty Lee said. "You've been the best friend I could have."
We both know that's not true, thought Azula, but she kept the bitter words safely trapped behind her teeth.
"But I can't stay. If I go, my family will have one less mouth to feed, and maybe I can even make some money to help them."
An idea occurred to Azula, and she unpinned her cloak. She couldn't give Ty her hairpiece, but Ozai wouldn't notice the loss of a simple brooch. She ripped the golden piece away from the cloth and held it out. Its weight on her palm was a reaffirmation of its material—solid gold, glittering with rubies.
"Take it."
"Azula, I can't—"
"Take it!"
Something in Azula's tone made it clear that she was not to be argued with, and so Ty Lee reached out trembling fingers and accepted the gift. It was funny, thought Azula—something worth nothing to her was a fortune to Ty Lee.
"It should sell for enough to take care of you until you get there. Don't get robbed."
"I won't. I won't, I won't, I won't!" Tearful once more, Ty Lee threw her arms around Azula. "I don't want to say goodbye! I'll miss you so much!"
This hug lasted longer than even the first they had shared that evening, and there was finality in it. It was, in itself, a farewell.
When they pulled apart, Azula found it hard to look at Ty Lee again, but forced herself to. It was the last look she would have for a long time, she knew.
"I'll see you again," she promised. "Don't get killed by Earth Kingdom resistors."
"I won't! I don't want to make you avenge me." Ty Lee smiled, then hesitated. "I really should…"
"Go." Azula forced a smile and held back her own tears. "Bye. Don't worry about me."
Ty Lee sniffled, nodded, and turned and ran back down the alley, back into the city, the moonlight turning her silver before she rounded a corner and disappeared.
Azula was suddenly and abruptly reminded of Ursa, disappearing out a door, never to be seen again, leaving life and children behind. Would Ty be the same? What if she did die in the Earth Kingdom? Would Azula ever find out?
She nearly called out, nearly lifted a hand to reach for the best friend she had ever had, but she remained silent. And the moment passed.
After several long, quiet minutes of standing in the alley and feeling very alone, Azula pulled her ripped cloak around her shoulders and made her way back to the palace.
Back home.
A/N: What's this? An update? Sacre bleu!
Sorry about the hiatus-it was longer than expected. But I've resumed my usual writing schedule and gotten my muse back, so we should be seeing regular updates now! I don't know whether I'll be updating next week or the week after, but you will see another update before the end of April. I'm not as busy now that college applications and all that is finished. I do have some exciting news: I was offered a full-ride to my top choice school! ^^
Thanks for sticking with me, everybody who reads this monster of a fic! I'm sorry for skipping out on you, but I'm back now. Happy reading, and have a good Sunday!