* note: [ ] means flashback in this chapter.
35 - The worst kind of pain
[ What else do you love about me?…Kagome, it's going to be okay…I missed you so much…Idiot, what have you been up to?…You're not a burden…Do you have any idea how scared I was?…I love you, Kagome. Kagome… ]
She stood in the doorway to their bedroom, gazing blankly at the messy unfolded blankets on the floor. His voice echoed in her head as she stood in the room that smelled just like him, in the house built by him.
[ Miroku told her what the man had said about Inuyasha's death. Inuyasha found the demon named Kerberos terrorizing a village, and stood to defend it, though he left his robe behind in the chaos. The battle was brutal. Kerberos eventually got past Inuyasha's defense and released a display of outrageous power. According to the man from the village, Inuyasha didn't stand a chance, and the only thing recoverable was the robe he didn't wear.
Protecting others, sounds like something he'd do. Kagome thought. Then, she spent several days in bed, rejecting any of her friends pleas to talk about it. She didn't remember ever feeling so empty. ]
Kagome slowly turned and walked out of the room, swaying slightly as she felt a spell of lightheadedness.
As she stepped into the kitchen, her foot caught in the hem of her pants, sending her forward. She instinctively reached out and caught the edge of the table. It shifted slightly under her weight and a container of utensils wobbled and fell. Kagome hit the floor, having barely slowed her fall. She collapsed to the ground with a thud, the utensils clattered to the floor in front of her. Her muscles tensed at the sound of various metal objects scraping against the floor.
After she lay there on the floor for a few minutes, barely having the motivation to move, she carefully eased herself up and searched briefly for injuries. She leaned back and sat with her knees bent on either side of her, her tired gaze swept along the floor. That's when she saw the knife.
Among the forks and spoons scattered on the floor, there was a large cutting knife. Its blade was smooth and obviously very sharp, most likely used for cutting into meat or chopping raw vegetables. Without really realizing what she was doing, Kagome leaned forward and picked up the knife. She cringed at the scraping sound the metal edge made as it skid briefly on the floor.
She turned the dagger over in her hands. Light reflected off it's silver blade. Moments passed and she continued to examine it, suddenly infatuated with the object.
She leaned back and sat cross-legged on the floor, allowing her mind to wander as she fingered the knife again. She touched her index finger to the tip, withdrawing at the slight pricking feeling. Extending her arm out, she gazed at the length the blade gave her arm.
She remembered the way Inuyasha used to goof around with his Tessaiga when he was first learning. She remembered the first time he protected her…the first time he…kissed her.
She raised the blade in the air, it's weight suddenly feeling more bothersome. She grasped the handle with both hands, the blade pointed down and angled slightly towards her. A swoop of the arm would plunge the blade into her chest.
Kerberos will think Inuyasha went after him for revenge for my death. He won't come back to check if I'm alive. I'll live out my life unbothered, but without Inuyasha. I can't.
Her body automatically braced itself. A strange feeling of despair filled her that she had never experienced before. Plus, adrenaline, and her pulse in her ear. She felt nausea build in her stomach in fear of what she was about to streamed down her face and the knife trembled in her hand.
I'm so weak! I want to be with him! Do it! DO IT! Her arm didn't obey. It went against everything she was, everything she lived for.
She looked up at the tip of the dagger, its sharp tip shook with her trembling hand.
If she did, Sango or someone else would have to find her there, bled out and cold. If she didn't, she'd have to endure her aching heart and wait a lifetime to be with her beloved again. The trembling weapon in her hands was not a friend or enemy. It was a curse and an escape.
Suddenly, she began imagining how Inuyasha must have died. She imagined a hole ripped through his chest, blood pooling out around him, his amber eyes fading to a dull gray. Violent sobs racked her body as she tried to clear the bloody thoughts from her mind.
Inuyasha was never coming home. It was her fault. The guilt was heavier than the dagger.
Her head began to spin with all turmoil raging in her head. Arms were like lead, urging the knife down while her conscience screamed 'NO!' Her heart beat frantically, pumping blood faster and faster, raising the heat.
Hesitation had made her reconsider, she was quickly losing her resolve. At the same time, she knew she would struggle to get out of bed every morning for the rest of her life. Eventually she would be able to smile, and laugh, and talk with friends and people of the village. She could put on an image of a strong woman who moved on, but every night she would sleep alone. And that, she feared more than death.
The last thing she saw was the gleam of the blade.