A/N: Here goes yet another chapter in the saga of Gregory House and Lisa Cuddy. I appreciate you sticking with it. I'm really enjoying writing this story!
You should know that I plan to see this through to the very end, whenever that is, before I embark on my next one which will pick up where Season 8 left off. I've got two pages of ideas for my S8 story and how I'm going to make right the things we got in the finale. Once the ideas hit me, I couldn't help but smile. It's going to be great! The ways in which I am plotting that story are quite believable and I am sure you'll like it. First things first though, I've got to concentrate on this story.
House spent Sunday and Monday at work on a case and he'd decided to shake things up a bit, mostly because he was bored. Since Chase was the number two man, House wanted him to run the differentials without his assistance. House sat in the back of the room listening to them, mocking their ideas occasionally. He relied heavily upon Chase and Taub's experience because he was not completely confident in Adams and Park. In the end, the team had pulled together and done exceptionally well and the patient was diagnosed with little intervention by House.
By the time House arrived at Nolan's office on Tuesday morning, he was anxious to talk to the psychiatrist. During his ride to Philadelphia, he thought a lot about the conversation he'd had with Cuddy a few nights earlier. He had been so sure she would hate him for the rest of his life but instead they were exchanging letters and phone calls. It still didn't seem real to him.
House entered Nolan's outer office and grunted a greeting to the receptionist who, without even looking up, nodded her head and waved her hand, letting him know the doctor was waiting for him. He entered Nolan's private office without saying a word and made himself comfortable in his favorite spot, the recliner by the window. He put his feet up and let out the usual sigh of relief which he did when he elevated his leg after the long bike ride from Princeton. Nolan noticed from the furrowed brow and the way House pressed his lips firmly together that he had something serious on his mind. The two sat back in their chairs and didn't say a word for a few minutes. House was deep in thought as if carefully considering what he wanted to say. Finally he broke the silence.
"Aren't you going to ask me anything?" House asked.
"Do you want me to?" Nolan replied.
"Why do you always do that?"
"Do what?"
"Answer a question with a question."
"Do I?" Nolan smiled.
House rolled his eyes. "Okay fine I'll spill it. I talked to Cuddy…on the phone…twice."
Nolan leaned forward; elbows on his knees, his hands clasped together, a look of curiosity in his eyes. "Really?"
"It began a few days ago when she called me out of the blue to check on me because she'd had a dream."
"What kind of dream?"
"The kind where I was dead."
"I see."
"I finally convinced her I wasn't dying which was followed by several minutes of awkward silence and then I apologized."
"How did she react?"
"She accepted and then apologized to me."
"Like you, she has acknowledged her responsibility in the breakup and its aftermath. Did you accept?"
"Naturally."
"Good. You said you talked to her twice. What happened the second time?"
"Before we hung up the first time, I asked her if I could call her sometime just to check up on her. She said that would be nice. So, I called her Saturday night."
"What did you talk about?"
"I wasn't sure where to begin so I played it safe and started with Wilson then we moved on to Rachel. At first she wasn't sure if I was genuinely interested in Rachel or if I just wanted something to talk about. I told her I wanted to discuss Rachel and that's the truth, I like the kid, she's smart. It also turns out she likes to play the piano," House said with a slight smile.
"I wonder where she learned that talent," Nolan said, noting the smile on House's face.
"What else did you discuss?"
"She asked me about work and that led us to a conversation about our feelings about how we both screwed up the relationship. We both acknowledged our part in that and actually it felt pretty good to talk about it. We wished we'd done things differently. The conversation went surprisingly well since we both agreed the only way we could talk about it was by being completely honest."
"Wow, this is a big step for you. First letters, now phone calls. You're talking about things openly and honestly. This is really good Greg. How does it make you feel?"
"I don't know. Like an idiot I suppose."
"Why is that?"
"Only an idiot would be doing this."
"What exactly is this?"
"I don't know."
"Do you want to repair your relationship with her?"
"I don't know. I miss her and...I still love her but sometimes it still hurts."
"I'm sure it does. I can understand you are cautious, but you can't continue to live your life alone."
"I've done it before."
"And you were miserable."
"I've always been miserable."
"Greg, you can get back out there and live your life and start trusting and yes, even risk getting your heart broken again or you can stay where you are and live a very lonely life."
"I've got Wilson," House joked.
"James is a good friend to you but he's not enough. What about love?"
"Love is overrated."
"How did you feel when you and Cuddy were together?"
"I loved her and she loved me but it felt like it was all going to fall apart any moment. As it turns out, we both felt that way."
"That attitude obviously contributed greatly to the demise of the relationship."
"Yep. If only she would have listened to me from the beginning, when I told her it wouldn't work, we would have been better off."
"Is that so?" Nolan asked in a tone that seemed to challenge House's view.
"She'd still be head bitch in charge at the hospital and I wouldn't have a criminal record."
"You seem sure of that."
"If we hadn't gotten together that morning after the crane collapse, everything would be different," House's voice raised just a little.
"Possibly, but things could be worse."
"She would've married Lucas, pushed out two point five kids and lived in the house with the picket fence. She'd have her happily ever after just like she always wanted."
"And you think that's what she wanted?"
"I know it is."
"I think you're wrong. Why did she dump Lucas for you? You're not the two point five kids and picket fence type."
"I have no idea. She said she loved me."
"Do you doubt that?"
"No. But sometimes love isn't enough."
"Well, where do you think you would be if she'd married Lucas?"
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do."
House shifted uncomfortably. "Is there a point to this?"
"Yeah and I thought we agreed when you came back to therapy that you were going to be honest."
"I am being honest." House sighed, pushed the lever of the recliner down and rested his elbows on his knees with his hands over his face. Nolan watched him carefully noting that he seemed conflicted on how to answer the earlier question.
"Greg, do you think you would have been okay with everything if Cuddy had married Lucas? If the woman you loved had gone to live a lie with someone else."
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do."
House got up and limped over to stand in front of the window behind him. He stared at the horizon where the line of trees stood against a deep blue sky. The sight was so beautiful that for a moment he felt a sense of peace around him, then he spoke.
"I'd be dead," he said as he turned away from the window and leaned forward, both hands resting on the back of the recliner. He looked directly at Nolan. "I don't think I could have watched while she married someone else. I couldn't have lived through that," he said. His eyes became slightly misty and he looked down at his feet.
Nolan had noticed the change in House's eyes before he cast them downward and he knew it had taken a great deal of courage for House to make that admission.
Nolan spoke in an attempt to shift the suddenly somber mood. "The night of the crane collapse, when you lost your patient. As you lay on the floor in your bathroom with those two bottles of pills, you were ready to do whatever it took to take away the pain. You could have overdosed and died. What stopped you was Cuddy showing up at your apartment and revealing her true feelings to you. Once again, someone else had to save you. That's how you lived for a long time but now everything has changed. Don't you see what's happening here?"
"No, but I'm sure you'll tell me,"House said sarcastically.
Nolan shook his head and laughed. "You're saving yourself now. You have taken responsibility for your own life because you want something more than what you've had in the past. You had enough of the misery and the pain. You came to see me of your own free will, nobody coerced you or gave you an ultimatum, this was your choice."
House knew Nolan was right, the only way he could save himself was to take responsibility for his future. All his life he'd been taught that seeking help was a weakness and he'd done everything he could to avoid it. His father's words from forty years ago resonated in his head. Real men solve their own problems, they don't ask for help.
"Greg?"
"Sorry, was just thinking."
"Care to share?"
"When I was a kid, a friend's parents were separated and he told me they were going to marriage counseling to try and work things out. My dad laughed and then said that real men took care of their own problems without asking for help," House said as he shook his head. "That worked great for me didn't it?"
Nolan stated firmly, "That was then, this is now. You tried to change after Mayfield but you couldn't change because it required a lot more than you knew how to give. Now, you understand and are willing to give it your all. Get the voice of John House out of your head, this isn't about him, it's about you. You didn't listen to your dad back then, don't listen to him now."
House took a seat in the recliner again. He rested his chin on his hands, which gripped his cane tightly. He looked up at Nolan. "That is easier said than done," he said.
"I want you to find some kind of peace in your life. I want you to finally find a way to break through the walls you've so carefully constructed all these years, the walls that have kept out the people who care about you, and kept in all the pain and misery you've carried with you. It took a long time for you to erect those walls and under some painful circumstances too. Each block in that wall is some bad experience you've had during your life and every time you overcome the pain of that experience, every time you push forward, you remove one of those blocks."
In a low voice, almost a whisper, House said, "It's hard."
"I know it is, but I know you can do it. I believe in you Greg, don't you think it's time you believe in yourself?"
House looked up and gave him a smirk, "You sound like Wilson."
"James is a smart man," Nolan said leaning back in his chair with a knowing look.
"At times," House countered. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course Greg."
"What would you say if I told you I may see Cuddy in a few days?"
Nolan's eyes widened in surprise. He was not expecting that. "Seriously?" He asked.
"Yep. Wilson's going to an Oncology conference in Boston and wants me to tag along. Cuddy even asked me if I had considered going. She said she and Rachel wouldn't mind seeing me."
"How do you feel about it?"
House became restless so he rose from his chair and limped around the room. As he paced, Nolan could tell the decision of whether or not to see her weighed heavily on his mind.
"I want to see her and it seems like she wants to see me too."
"So what's the problem?"
"She hurt me but I hurt her worse. She didn't deserve what I did to her. If I see her again, if she lets me back into her life, I know I won't make the same mistakes again but I also know that I won't ever be able to walk away. I couldn't handle it again if she...," he drifted off without finishing the sentence.
Nolan knew how House would have ended his sentence. "Greg, I can't tell you if you should or shouldn't see her. All I can say is that you've come a long way and I believe you have changed for the better. If you decide to go, just be honest and straight up with her. Acknowledge your mistakes and be willing to leave them in the past, but let her know you've learned something from them. Forgiveness is about healing, moving on. If you truly have forgiven each other you can do that."
House nodded his head in agreement and then he said, "She deserves better."
"Greg, you should let Cuddy decide what she deserves. As for you, you are a good person and you deserve happiness and love as much as anyone else. Your mistakes shouldn't prevent you from finding that. Sometimes we just don't make the right choices in life and hopefully we learn from those experiences. Don't spend the rest of your life beating yourself up over the past, just focus on the future. Remember, you can make changes in your life, the kind of changes you want, that make you a better person, and still be Greg House."
"Fair enough," House replied as he stopped pacing and leaned against Nolan's desk. As he twirled his cane, he found comfort in Nolan's words.
"Greg, I know our time is up but before you go, I want to tell you one more thing."
"Go for it," said House.
"Your father may have thought a man was weak to ask for help but he was wrong. It takes a lot of courage for a man who has been through as much as you have to do what you're doing right now. Instead of letting life take charge of you, you are taking charge of it. You should be damn proud of how far you've come."
"Yeah, yeah," House replied with a smirk as he got up and headed for the door.
"Hey Greg," Nolan called out.
House turned to acknowledge him, "Yeah?"
"Good luck in Boston," he said, with a mischievous smile on his face.
House chuckled as he closed the door behind him.
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