NCIS: Post-Traumatic
Author: AnonymousNCISFan
Rating: T (PG-13)
Summary: Gibbs & Abby have been avoiding each other since his return from Paraguay…here's one possible explanation.
Pairing: Gibbs/Abby friendship
Spoilers: Up to & including Season 15
Warnings: Angst, References to PTSD
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and am making no money off this – I appreciate the creative minds at NCIS and the brilliant actors who bring these beloved characters to life.
Chapter 36-Holding On…And Letting Go
Author's Note: This may be the final installment. This might be a little sappy/sentimental, but hey…just making up for what we missed all of Season 15 LOL. Wrapping up these two characters and letting them talk things out. I'm so disappointed that the show basically ignored Abby's existence after she left. The fact that they brought up the Pedro Hernandez thing again in S16 but didn't mention Abby at all…it really irked me. There are things in this chapter that allude to that plotline but were written before those episodes aired. Also wrote another part that seems to echo a Season 16 ep ("Hail & Farewell") that I saw after I wrote it – maybe you'll pick up on it. Just trying to give fans what we got cheated of in the show – some emotional payoff from 18 years of love and friendship. Hope this is a better ending than what we got-I sure think it is. Feedback is much appreciated!
"Don't give up," Kelly whispered, her apparition beginning to fade as Abby felt herself being drawn back to the land of the living.
"I won't," Abby said with resolve. As hard as it was to pull herself away, Kelly was right – there was still work to do. No matter what lay ahead, she could still make a difference.
PRESENT DAY
Gibbs' House
9:50PM
Gibbs sat on the couch, staring at the floor, his right hand cupping his mouth. Abby was surprised at how vivid the memory was, how she'd been able to recount it almost word for word. She could barely look at him as she revealed her near-death experience as best she could. They stayed silent for what seemed like hours, but in reality had only been a few minutes.
"Gibbs … say something. Please?" Abby begged, unable to look at him.
"I'm grateful," he rasped, eyes closed. Abby gave him a quizzical look. "Grateful," he continued, "that you're here, that you've been here. For the team … For me. Not sure what I believe about life after this … but I do believe in you, Abbs, with all my heart. And Kelly, if it was or it wasn't … well, she was right. About all of it."
Abby swallowed, wiping away a stray tear. "That means…Gibbs you have no idea what that means to me. Even though I'm probably just crazy imagining things and-"
Gibbs placed a finger on her lips, quieting her. "Abbs, don't think you're crazy." She gave him a quizzical look as he removed his finger and looked down, swallowing hard. "I um…I've seen her too…or what I thought was her."
Abby's eyes widened at his admission, silently waiting for him to continue.
"I told myself the same thing," he explained. "Just memories firing off in my brain…just me talking to myself…I don't know what the truth is, Abbs. I'm just glad, whatever happened, you came back. Don't know what I would've done if you hadn't…"
Gibbs swallowed, fighting back tears as she reached for his hand. "C'mon, I want to show you something," she said, standing up and pulling him with her, as she had done so many times in the past.
Walking out the front door, she stood next to him on the stoop, looking up at the night sky.
"What am I supposed to be lookin' at?" he asked with a half-smirk.
"When I was a kid, my dad used to take me out on our front porch and show me all the stars and constellations. He told me how, when we look at the stars, it's like looking into the past."
Gibbs gave her a soft look, wondering where she was heading with her thoughts this time.
"Those lights, traveling through time, have existed for hundreds, sometimes thousands or even millions of years, but we just couldn't see them – they hadn't reached us yet. And that light - even if the star might be gone for a thousand years, or more - that light doesn't die."
Squeezing her hand tightly, Gibbs let go and put his arm around her, pulling her close.
"You see the Big Dipper?" Abby asked, pointing to it with her right hand.
"Yea," Gibbs rasped in reply.
"See the star at the handle?"
"Sure, the North Star," Gibbs nodded. "A sailor's compass. Guides him home."
"You're my North Star, Gibbs," Abby rasped. "And I think maybe, in some way, I was yours."
"Abbs," Gibbs rasped, tears stinging his eyes.
"The past can be beautiful, just like those stars," she whispered. "And it's hard to let go, at least for me. So I want to make you a promise, Gibbs. I promise, every time I start to lose myself, to lose my way, I'll look at the North Star, and I'll think of you. And maybe … I mean, if you want to … you could do the same."
Gibbs swallowed, clearing his throat as words failed him. He could nod and hope that she could see in his eyes how much that meant to him. Then he remembered her letter, what she had longed to hear him say. Though he had never been much for words, he decided this was the least he could do for her. And they wouldn't be empty – he would mean it with all his heart.
"Abbs," he rasped, wrapping his arm around her gently and kissing her cheek. "I … I love you. So much. No matter where you go, what you do, I'm with you. Always will be. That's a promise."
Abby closed her eyes in relief, two tears escaping to run down her cheeks. Gibbs wiped them away with his thumb as she opened her eyes. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out an item and opened his hand, placing it in his palm gently.
"Thought you'd want these back," she whispered. "I know how much they mean to you."
Gibbs eyed his dog tags, his hand running over the etching on the metal.
"I was going to ask Ducky to give them back to you, but now I don't have to."
"Keep 'em," Gibbs replied simply, placing them back in her hand and closing her fingers over them with a small squeeze.
"But Gibbs, I know what these mean to you."
"You mean more," he shrugged, struggling to hold his emotions at bay. Words were limiting to him, but this gesture, he hoped, would show her the depth of what he felt for her.
"Oh, Gibbs," she rasped, her face crumpling as she reached for him, hugging him tight.
"Guess you got my point," he chuckled, kissing her forehead gently before pulling back. "Anyway, I, uh, I meant to get this back to you," he added sheepishly as he pulled Abby's old teddy bear heart from his pocket.
Shaking her head, Abby, closed his fingers over the pink cloth heart. "And that's what you mean to me," she replied, surprising Gibbs by gently placing her hand on his neck as she drew him forward to softly kiss his cheek. It wasn't a quick peck, as was her typical M.O., but a lingered, as if she didn't want to lose the moment with him. Gibbs flushed slightly, touched by her affection for him.
"Don't deserve ya, Abbs," he whispered. "Took ya for granted, shouldn't have."
"Gibbs don't-"
"Hate losin' you like this," he continued, "but … if it's what you need, I'll support ya. I want what you want. And maybe it's for the best."
Abby gave him a confused look at Gibbs' last remark. He tilted his head, his blue eyes clouding over as he explained.
"Whenever I love someone, it never ends well," he commented, his voice hoarse with emotion. "Rivera said it – said he tried to warn you about me, about this … cloud of death he called it, that follows me. Maybe he's right."
"Gibbs-"
"And it's the ones closest to me who pay the price," he choked out, feeling vulnerable, as if he had nothing left to lose.
"Gibbs, you can't believe that," Abby rasped in disbelief. "You saved me, countless times. Rivera's evil, he's a murderer."
"And so am I," Gibbs reminded her, his face pained. "What's that old saying? The sins of the father are visited upon his children."
"You can't believe that," Abby insisted. "You're a good man, you have a good heart. Sometimes you did the wrong thing for the right reason, but I know you, Gibbs. This isn't about your sins … it's about other people and theirs."
Gibbs shook his head sadly but Abby grasped his hand, unwilling to let it go.
"Gibbs, when Clay and I were at The Cooler, he told me what you did for him, how you saved him from his own self-pity. You told him when you go through bad things in life, that you make a choice. You choose who you are. Some people choose poorly. But that's not on you, or me. And none of this is your fault … and maybe it's not mine either. It takes a long time to come to it, but if we stay true to who we are, there has to be a light at the end of it all. I truly believe that, Gibbs. And pushing people away doesn't work. We've been to that dance, and it didn't fix a thing. You're smart and you're wise and you've touched so many lives, changed them for the better. I don't want to think about you wallowing in your basement, drowning your guilt in bourbon, when I'm gone. I want you to move forward, and I think I have a way to help you do that."
Gibbs wiped a hand over his face, taking in her words as she dragged him back inside to the couch, where she'd placed her bag. Pulling out an evidence envelope and a small card with a number jotted on the back, she turned toward him.
"Here," she said, handing him both items. Gibbs moved toward the lamplight, eyes squinting as he went to read the card. "It'd be easier with your glasses on," Abby reminded him a slightly teasing tone. Gibbs looked back and gave her a small smirk.
"I know. Left 'em at the office," he shrugged as he turned back to the card and read it. "Kasie Hines … wasn't she-"
"Ducky's graduate student," Abby said, completing his sentence. "But there's something you may not know, not that I think there's anything you don't know," she rambled, getting slightly nervous. Gibbs cocked his head, arching an eyebrow, a look she was very familiar with. She needed to get to the point.
"Gibbs, she also has a degree in forensic science."
"Abby?"
"Just hear me out. I know she's young, but remember how she helped crack that case with the 900-year-old bat? She really clicked with the rest of the team. She's a good person – I can tell. And I think she'd be a good fit, Gibbs, if you give her a chance."
"Abbs, I don't know-"
"Look, I know this all feels really sudden, but she's passionate about the work and would jump at the opportunity. And honestly, I just don't want to leave you in a lurch. I know you think it's all magic down there, but it's a lot of work."
"Never doubted that," Gibbs corrected. "Won't be easy. But you're right, we'll need someone … eventually. Thought Torres and Bishop would burst a blood vessel tryin' to get me one DNA sample."
"Well, it's up to you, Gibbs. I haven't talked to her – that's your call. But just think about it, OK?"
"Alright," Gibbs sighed, placing the card in his pocket. "Now, what's this?" he asked, opening the evidence envelope.
"Something I meant to give you a long time ago," she rasped, getting misty eyed and slightly nervous.
Gibbs frowned slightly as he pulled out the object in the evidence jar, knowing exactly what it was.
"Abby…"
"It's yours Gibbs, you should have it," she replied simply, biting her lip.
"Abby you shouldn't have-"
"I know, I know … I've never compromised evidence, I swear, but you were wrong back then. This was different … and I'm protecting you this time."
Gibbs' eyes narrowed as he studied the object – his bullet – Lapua – mashed and mangled but still identifiable. It sat in the glass jar, evidence of his crime, his moment of weakness. It was the bullet that ended Pedro Hernandez – the man who murdered his family.
"I submitted the report all those years ago like you told me to, but there was no way in hell I was giving this up to anyone. I'm surprised Rivera never went looking for it. I kept it safe … but now that I'm leaving … it's yours now, Gibbs. It always was."
Gibbs rubbed his temple with his left hand, sighing. "Abbs…don't know what to say."
"It's OK … honestly, I was surprised you never asked me about it before."
"Trust you, Abbs … hated that you had to keep this secret."
"And I always will," she said reassuringly. "No one needs to know about the Hernandez investigation."
Gibbs looked down, placing the bullet on his coffee table. "Never meant for you to compromise yourself like that, Abbs. When McGee called and told me what happened to you and Reeves, all I could think of was Rivera and what he said to you. Don't think I could ever tell you how sick it made me feel, thinking he was responsible…because that would mean I was too. Secrets are dangerous … I shouldn't have let you protect me all those years ago – I still shouldn't."
"There's no other way, Gibbs," she replied strongly, grasping his hand.
"Can't help but think some day this is all gonna come crashing down."
"I know how much it weighs on you, Gibbs. Maybe you should talk about it with someone," Abby suggested.
Gibbs arched an eyebrow, giving her an odd look.
"Someone you trust, Gibbs," she insisted. "Rule 6."
"Not sure that applies here, Abbs – you and Leon, Ducky…you all know. Hell, I'm pretty sure the whole team figured it out back then."
"Well, if we're being technical, you've never said it," she shrugged. "Maybe admitting it out loud to someone, talking about it…maybe that would help."
Gibbs nodded thoughtfully. "Maybe … and maybe you should take your own advice," he added, watching her face fall. "You need to talk about what you went through, Abbs. If not with me, then with someone you trust. Shrinks aren't that bad … they're just tryin' to help. It's helped me a lot this past year. Think it can help you too."
Abby nodded, looking down. "I know you're right … it's just … it's really raw, you know? I'm still having trouble … processing everything."
"It's OK. Time will help. And you still have so much more to do with your life, Abby…so much more than this."
She looked up at him, smiling through her tears. "How do you always know what to say?" she rasped. "I'm really gonna miss you, Gibbs…like crazy."
She reached around to pull him close, sobbing into his shoulder as she felt the weight of their goodbye settling on her.
"Gonna miss you, too, Abbs," he swallowed, holding her tight.
The sound of his cell phone ringing broke them apart. "Yea, Gibbs," he answered in a hoarse voice. Wiping her eyes, Abby looked up at him, knowing it was McGee. "OK…good. Yea, I'll tell her." Gibbs hung up the phone and turned to Abby.
"Please tell me that was good news, Gibbs, because I don't think I could take anymore bad."
Gibbs smirked, nodding. "Metro pulled over that truck from earlier … guy was sleep-deprived, apparently. Decided to drive through the night instead of takin' a break."
Sighing in relief, Abby leaned back against the couch, looking up. "I need to go, Gibbs."
Swallowing, Gibbs tried to hide his disappointment. He had hoped she'd stay the night. Every time he went away – on a mission, or just to get away from it all for a while – he always knew Abby would be there when he got back. Now that was about to change, and Gibbs could feel her void settling inside him – another empty space in his heart. His determination to be strong for her was crumbling. It was slightly selfish, he knew – all parents have to let their children go at some point. He just never thought Abby would ever want to leave.
"Gibbs?" Abby called, slightly unnerved by his worried expression and silence.
"Uh, yea," he rasped, shaking his head and getting up quickly to grab his coat and keys. Abby looked down remorsefully – she could tell she was hurting him. Another reason she hadn't wanted to say goodbye in person – she didn't want to confront that her leaving would actually cause Gibbs pain.
"Look, Gibbs," she began, standing up and walking with him to the front door. "It's just … there's a lot to do … and I have to call my brothers. They've been leaving messages all day. And I have to figure out arrangements for Reeves, and my apartment and … and wow, this is happening really fast."
Gibbs looked back at Abby, noticing her overwhelmed response. He walked over to her, placing an arm around her.
"Whatever you need, Abbs," he said reassuringly. "I'm here."
"Thanks," she sighed, shaking her head. "Umm… I was thinking…maybe…maybe you could stay at my place tonight? Help me pack?"
Gibbs smiled, nodding. "Sure," he replied simply. "I'll just grab a few things."
"Don't forget that," Abby reminded, pointing to the bullet on the table. Gibbs pursed his lips, walking over to pick up the evidence jar, staring at it for a moment before jogging back down to the basement. He was back up in less than a minute with a small duffle bag.
"Always prepared with a go-bag," Abby noted with a small smile.
"Had it ready…just in case … you wanted me to go with you."
"But how did you know…"
"Didn't," Gibbs shrugged. "Just thought you might want to escort Reeves' body back home. Didn't want ya to go alone."
Abby gave him a soft look, her exhaustion evident in her tired eyes, which were red from crying so much. "I … I thought about asking you, Gibbs … but I'm afraid. I don't think I can take saying goodbye to you all over again."
"Not goodbye for good, just for now, right?" Gibbs rasped.
Abby smiled. "That's what I told McGee," she whispered. "Guess it's true, but it feels … it feels like forever."
"It won't be," Gibbs reassured her. "We'll be here. I promise."
He leaned forward, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.
"C'mon," he encouraged. Smiling, Abby walked out the door, Gibbs following close behind. Whatever lay ahead, as difficult as the path might be, she knew Gibbs would only be a phone call away. Maybe she'd even teach him how to Skype, she thought with a smirk.
Opening the door to his truck, Gibbs helped her climb in before entering the driver's side.
"Ready, Abbs?" Gibbs asked as he put the key in the ignition.
"Yea, Gibbs, I'm ready," she nodded with determination as he turned the key.
THE END?
Author's Thoughts:So…I'm thinking maybe I'll end the story here. Seems like as good a place as any. It could certainly go into the funeral, and then the end of Season 15 and into Season 16, but I'm not sure it would ever end then LOL. Let me know what you think. Also, the stuff about the bullet from the Hernandez investigation – I had that in mind from the beginning of my story. The fact that the show brought it up in Season 16 and didn't even mention Abby…well, you can imagine how much that bothered me LOL. Anyway, I'd written some of the scene where she gives him back the bullet, but I did tweak it a bit after watching the end of Season 16. I like to think Abby set the wheels in motion for that whole plotline of Gibbs spiraling and thinking about his guilt again. I would think her departure – and what she did for him – would be weighing on him as well. Anyhow – feedback is much appreciated!