Disclaimer: I am NOT Stephenie Meyer and I don't own any of the Twilight series' characters or stories. I borrowed the dialogue and storyline from Eclipse, but the rest is my own take on the story, as seen through Edward's eyes.
Chapter 35
Ache
I don't know how long I stood there, gazing at the space where Bella's truck had sat. I couldn't reconcile the emotions brewing in the pit of my stomach. What was the right thing to do? Should I do anything at all? I cringed, thinking back on the last time I had attempted to make a decision for Bella rather than allowing her to choose for herself.
A strong hand gripped my shoulder and I angled my head to see Seth standing beside me. He quirked an eyebrow at me, his thoughts curious as to why I was standing in the afternoon mist staring out at nothing.
"You okay?" he asked.
I nodded, running my fingers through my hair again. "It's been a long day."
"You can say that again," he exhaled, reaching up to rub his arm. The battle with Riley had taken its toll on Seth as well, a yellowish bruise covered most of his upper arm, but he seemed to be taking it in stride. We stood in companionable silence as I listened to the thoughts and hushed whispers emanating from within the house.
My thoughts drifted to Charlie and his intentions to investigate the story of Jacob's motorcycle accident. He was already harboring suspicions that the story he had been told was not entirely truthful, but for his own safety, it was best that he didn't ask questions. The Volturi were already keeping a close watch on Bella. I couldn't bear it, and neither could she, if her father were to be put in danger as well.
"Where does Jacob store his tools? Where does he repair his car?" I asked, turning to Seth.
Taking up a new hobby? He arched an eyebrow and thrust his thumb out behind him, gesturing to the small construction behind the house, a poor excuse for a garage. "What for?" he asked.
"The pack told Chief Swan that Jacob was in a motorcycle accident, but there's no evidence to corroborate that story. If Jacob has spare parts lying around, we could use those to fabricate a reasonable impression of one – at least enough to satisfy Charlie's concerns."
"I didn't think of that," Seth murmured, scratching his head. "Jake's always tinkering in that garage. There's bound to be something you can use."
I nodded, turning to inspect the crude garage's contents. I peered into the tiny enclosed space and wrinkled my nose at the pungent smell of wolf and motor oil. A makeshift workbench stood along one wall, tools spilling haphazardly out of an open toolbox. A few mechanical parts lay scattered around, seemingly out of place.
Two motorcycles stood to one side. I smirked as the errant thought entered my mind for the briefest of moments – if Jacob claimed to have wrecked his motorcycle, why not do just that? I felt a disturbing amount of glee at the idea of destroying Jacob's motorcycle, but quickly dismissed the idea. It was unnecessary and, although it would make me feel tremendously satisfied to see his motorcycle lying in a twisted heap at the side of the road, Bella would be upset and may assume I destroyed the bike out of spite. She wouldn't be entirely incorrect in that assumption.
I turned around, taking in the surroundings, trying to imagine Bella in this space, to envision the days she had spent in here with Jacob as they rebuilt their bikes together. I shook my head at the memory, at the absurdity of her reasoning behind embarking on such a dangerous project in the first place. It seemed so out of character for her to be in a place like this – cold and dingy, devoid of femininity or anything that I had come to associate with her personality. She should be surrounded by flowers and books, by comfortable quilts and cracking fires and music - not oil, engine parts, and harsh halogen lights.
I grimaced, shoving the thoughts aside, and instead focusing on the task at hand. I resisted the urge to pick up the motorcycle and instead walked along the low counter, fingering the parts that lay there, wishing Rosalie was here to tell me what I was looking at. Several grease encrusted pieces sat in a small pile. I hoped that they were damaged or otherwise useless and that Jacob wouldn't miss them. I gathered them in my hands and continued to scour the area. A lone bulb sat at one end of the counter and I snatched that as well.
I glanced at the contents in my arms and surmised that, given an appropriate amount of force to break up what I had into smaller parts, scattered about, they would produce a reasonable facsimile of the remains of a motorcycle accident. The only missing piece that would complete the picture was the telltale rubber markings that Jacob's skidding tires would have left on the asphalt. Several worn tires were piled up in a corner at the rear of the shed. I scooped one up and slung it over my shoulder.
Pleased with my findings, I strolled out of the shed and lay the parts at the base of a nearby tree. I brushed my palms on the legs of my jeans, removing the grime they had collected and began walking back toward the house. After the turmoil of the day, I didn't need to subject my father to any more worry, which my sudden disappearance would likely cause.
Voices hushed as I crossed the threshold into the house. More concerned friends had arrived, all worried for Jacob. Sam huddled against the wall, cradling Emily in his arms, placing soft kisses along her hairline. The other pack members sat around the small space, their thoughts radiating discomfort at my close proximity and the casual nature of mine and Carlisle's presence in the house. It didn't matter that we had proved our friendship time and again; our very nature set them on edge.
I smiled softly and nodded to Sam. He nodded in return and I turned back to Jacob's bedroom, following the sound of Carlisle's thoughts. I stopped mid-step, hesitating in the hallway as I heard Carlisle speaking softly to Jacob. He was awake. I raked my hand through my hair, uncertain if I should enter, if my presence would make him uncomfortable.
I paused just outside the door, listening to Carlisle's soothing voice as he explained in vague terms exactly what he had done to Jacob – enough so that Jacob understood the severity of his injuries, but not enough to cause undue distress. I took a step forward, peering into the room. Carlisle was perched at Jacob's head, whispering softly and Billy maintained his post at Jacob's side. It was no wonder the pack waited in the front room of the house, the tiny room was crowded with only the few people standing in it.
I took another step forward, just inside the room and the floorboard under my foot creaked, alerting them to my presence. Three sets of eyes snapped to me, but the ones mine were focused on belonged to the injured man lying in the bed. Jacob's eyes locked with mine for what must have been seconds, but seemed like an eternity.
His thoughts were scattered, uncertain, but one thought overshadowed all the others – no matter what happened to me or to him, he wanted Bella to be happy. I think he knew in his heart that he had lost the battle for her affection and, although he knew she loved him, he also knew that it wasn't enough. He would continue to wait for her and would remain her friend, but he wasn't willing to fight any longer. Perhaps his dream was more telling than I dared to hope.
His eyes probed mine, searching for the spark, the thing that set me apart from him, what Bella found in me that she didn't find in him. He didn't understand it, but he had come to accept it. Take care of her, he thought. If you don't…
I nodded in understanding. He winced, whether from his broken bones or his breaking heart, I couldn't be sure, and squeezed his eyes shut as he turned his head, effectively ending our nonverbal communication.
"Carlisle," I whispered. "Can I have a moment?"
He looked up. Certainly, he thought as he skirted around Jacob's bed to meet me in the doorway. I leaned in close, speaking rapidly into Carlisle's ear. "I'm leaving. Bella will return soon and I…"
"I know," Carlisle nodded, placing a hand on my shoulder.
I wasn't sure what would transpire when Bella returned and saw that Jacob was awake. I felt, in my heart, that she would prefer to have some time alone with her friend, without her anxious fiancé hovering over her shoulder. And if she happened to choose him, well, I didn't think I wanted to be present for that possibility either.
"I heard in Charlie's mind that he may investigate the story that he was told about Jacob's accident. I'm going to the site to fabricate the evidence necessary to corroborate that story."
"I think that's a good idea," Carlisle smiled. "You should call your brothers. I'm sure they would be happy to assist."
"I'll think about it," I nodded. "I'll just…" I trailed off, gesturing to the hallway behind me.
"I'll call you if there's any change," he said. "You do what you need to do now to keep Charlie safe. I dislike having to lie to him, but it's for his own protection."
"Thank you, Carlisle," I murmured before turning and walking out the door. Seth waved goodbye as I bent down to gather the car parts and began sprinting toward the location I had seen in the minds of the pack.
Within moments, I came to a stop at the edge of the road. I glanced in either direction, surveying the site. It was a hairpin turn, a sharp curve in the road, and I could easily see why they had chosen this spot. I imagined that Charlie had seen his share of accidents on this particular stretch of road.
I knelt down, setting the parts at my feet, and set to work. Keeping a keen ear for oncoming vehicles, I paced out into the middle of the road, envisioning exactly how Jacob's accident may have looked had it actually occurred. I could visualize it – Jacob on his motorcycle, travelling at dangerous speeds, careening around the corner and losing control, his bike skidding at an odd angle out from under him, tossing him to the ground.
I took several long strides and bent down, placing my palm on the damp asphalt. I slowly trailed two fingers along the rough surface, my fingertips easily penetrating, leaving long, deep gashes in the smooth blacktop. I repeated the motion further down, creating the illusion that a motorcycle pedal or perhaps a kickstand had scored the surface of the road as it was propelled across it.
I rolled up my sleeve and picked up the tire, placing it on my forearm. With my arm parallel to the ground, I placed my other hand on the tire, whirling it around my arm in a blur. I leaned my elbow down, the spinning tire making a screeching sound as it came into contact with the road's surface. I continued to roll it, leaving a dark pattern of rubber on the asphalt.
I stood and admired my handiwork as I strolled over to the pile of parts lying on the roadside. I picked up the first grimy piece of machinery and began meticulously picking it apart with my fingers, leaving it in a pile of unidentifiable metal bits – pieces that could have come from any vehicle, but would hopefully satisfy Charlie's curiosity. I continued my actions with the remaining parts and began scattering them along the road, fanning them out in a starburst pattern, as the parts would have fallen if Jacob's bike had indeed impacted and skidded across the road.
Finally, I picked up the bulb and pressed it between my palms, careful not to reduce it to powder. I opened my hand and tossed the fragments of glass among the other debris that now littered the road.
I crossed my arms, kicking tiny bits of metal with my feet, scattering them even more to add a level of chaos to an otherwise orderly pattern. I glanced at my watch and wondered what Bella could be doing. Was she home with her father? Was she on her way to see Jacob?
The thoughts from an oncoming car filtered into my mind and I stepped off to the side, shielding myself behind the trunk of a large evergreen. I leaned my head back, listening to the thoughts of the passengers as they passed, pleased that they seemed to think my imitation of an accident was relatively believable.
I closed my eyes as they drove away, feeling my nerves increase as I found myself suddenly with nothing left to do but wait. I wouldn't go to Bella yet. I would allow her time to deal with her emotions, time to speak to her friend…time to come back to me. I wasn't in the mood to face my family, not quite yet, so I made up my mind to go to the one place I could find peace, the one place that was just ours – our meadow.
I sprinted through the forest, the path to the meadow so engrained in my soul that I could feel it towing me closer with each step. Just like the magnetism that seemed to draw me to Bella, there was something about the meadow that pulled me in, something magical that I couldn't resist.
The trees gave way and I found myself surrounded by sunlight and wildflowers. Tiny shimmers of light danced across the fragrant blooms as the sun glinted off my skin. I smiled to myself, remembering the first time I brought Bella to this place, the first time she saw me for what I truly was. It was the first and only time I had exposed my true nature to a human without the intent of killing them and there weren't words sufficient to describe the emotions I had felt when I found that she accepted me.
I lowered myself to the ground, stretching out my legs and leaning back, folding my arms behind my head. I squinted against the sun's rays as they peeked through the thick clouds that moved across the sky.
I turned my head to the side and envisioned Bella lying beside me, a small smile on her lips. She loved this place as much as I did. She had been captured by its magic as well. We had spent countless afternoons lying among the flowers, enjoying the soothing calm that the meadow seemed to bring.
My eyes closed as I imagined her curled beside me, her fingers absently tracing patterns on my chest. I tried not to think about what she could be doing in this moment. I tried to push away the dark thoughts that were pressing at me from all sides – thoughts that stuck fear in me, thoughts that could break my heart.
I squeezed my eyes more tightly as the pressure began to build, the images of Bella with Jacob beginning to solidify. I winced as the dam broke and the deluge began. Terrible thoughts of my life without her began swirling in my mind, drowning out all the happy visions that I was trying so desperately to hold on to.
Why did I allow my mind to do this to me? Why couldn't I hold onto the precious beliefs, the trust in our love? It seemed that no matter how close we were, no matter how much she assured me of her love, I was always waiting for what I believed to be the inevitable – that she would realize that she could do better. I knew it was true. I had told her as much.
How could she love a monster? How could she want to spend her life with a killer, someone who had taken life? How could she want to be a participant, to sell her soul for the same empty existence?
My teeth snapped together as I fought back the feelings. I was never more thankful that I was the one who could see into other's minds. I couldn't bear it if another of my family could hear my thoughts, could see how I loathed what I was. Carlisle would be ashamed and he would tell me that I was wrong, that I was better.
No, I couldn't allow my own disillusion to take away from the love that Bella and I shared. I wouldn't allow myself to drown in the mire of my own dark thoughts. I began to hum. Bella's song, the one I had hummed on countless occasions to soothe Bella's nerves, was now the melody that would soothe my own. The harmony weaved its way through my thoughts, creating order where there was discord, fighting its way through the darkness so the light could shine once more.
The lullaby, much like the meadow, wove its magic in my heart and chased away the sadness that had encroached upon me. I saw Bella's smiling face in my mind; I saw her joy when she had accepted my proposal. I imagined what our wedding would be, how divine Bella would be dressed in white and how fortunate I would feel when I made her mine.
The stirring vibrations of my phone brought me out of my reverie and my eyes opened as I brought the phone up to my ear.
"Hello," I answered.
"Edward."
"Alice, is something wrong?" I asked.
"Not exactly…" she hesitated.
"What do you mean?" I asked, sitting up on my elbows. It always made me nervous when Alice was evasive.
"I think Bella needs you."
"Is she okay? What happened?" I inquired into the phone as I stood and began pacing.
"She's fine, but she's very upset. You should go to her. Comfort her. Be there for her," Alice explained.
"I will, just tell me where she is."
Alice described the location of Bella's truck. She was still in the wolves' territory, but I took it on good faith that our understanding would still be in place, and I went to her without hesitation.
The ancient, red truck idled at the edge of the trees, but Bella was not visible through the windows. I could hear her rapid beating heart, smell the salt from her tears, and hear her sobbing. I stepped quietly up to the car, afraid of startling her. I peered inside and the sight broke my heart.
Bella was slumped across the seat, lying face down with her cheek resting on her crossed arms, her entire body shuddering. I stood there for a moment watching her and I had to bring my hand to my mouth to stifle the sob that threatened to escape. The only other time I could recall seeing her so distraught, in so much pain, was in Charlie's memories of the aftermath of my leaving her. I lay my palm on the truck's hood to stabilize myself as I attempted to reign in my emotions. She needed me and now was not the time for me to break down. I shuddered to think of the possible reasons for her tears, but I had to believe that Alice would have warned me if the outcome would not be in my favor.
Steeling my resolve, I reached out and calmly opened the door. The hinges squealed in protest, but Bella didn't stir. I reached out for her, lifting her into my lap as I climbed into the truck to sit beside her. I cradled her in my arms, holding her as she wept. She gripped my shirt in her hands, staining the cloth with her tears. I rubbed her arms soothingly, rocking her back and forth, hoping that the motion would help to ease her suffering.
Her body quaked, convulsing with each racking sob. I kept my mouth tightly closed with trembling lips, fighting back the urge to cry as she gasped for breath. How could she be in so much pain? What could have happened to cause her so much anguish? I kept reminding myself that Alice would have warned me if she had changed her mind, but I couldn't ignore the small voice that told me she would break my heart.
Was she upset over Jacob's injuries? No, there had to be more than that – she saw him at his absolute worst and her reaction wasn't nearly as dramatic.
Had he said something to upset her? Was he cruel to her? Did he lash out at her for rejecting his advances? No, that couldn't be it either. I saw in his thoughts that he still loved her, that he wanted her to be happy. Or was that merely a show for my benefit – one last attempt to convince me to let down my guard so he could make his move?
Just when I thought the intensity of Bella's sobs had begun to lessen, they came back with a resurgence that shook me to my core. Watching her in such despair was worse than any torture I could imagine – worse than Jane. It felt like a tiny piece of my heart shattered with each tear that fell from her eyes. I felt so inept, so utterly helpless. What could I do to ease her torment?
She pressed her face closer to me, as though she were trying to bury herself in my chest, and I responded by tightening my hold on her, praying that I could hold her together as she fell to pieces in my arms.
"Ch-ch-char…" she gasped between sobs.
"Shh," I soothed. "I'm here. You're safe. I'm here." I stroked her face and placed kisses on the crown of her head.
She shuddered and panted as she struggled to catch her breath. "Ch-ch-charlie," she stammered. "I ne-ed, I n…"
I placed my hands on either side of her trembling face and tilted her head so I could see into her eyes. Her eyes were red, her skin moist and blotchy from crying. She wouldn't look me in the eye and that troubled me deeply. She stared at my chin through damp lashes as I searched her face.
"Are you really ready to go home?" I asked, uncertain that she would want her father to see her like this. She didn't have to go home in this condition. There was still time before Charlie would expect her return.
She nodded her head weakly as she screwed her eyes shut, more tears pouring out as her lids closed. Her grip on my shirt renewed as she tried to pull herself into me again, no doubt in an attempt to hide her face.
"Bella, I don't think…" I began.
"P-p-p-please," she stammered, pressing her cheek to the place where my heart once beat. "I c-c-can't, I c-c…"
"Shh," I cooed in an effort to pacify her. I didn't think her father needed to be subjected to this. What would he think if he saw her in such distress? I rested my chin on the top of her head and began to do the only thing I could think of, I began to hum her lullaby.
Her tremors lessened at the sound of her song, but only to a small degree. She continued to splutter about her father in between bouts of sobbing.
I breathed a heavy sigh, uncertain about taking Bella home while she was still so visibly upset, but unable to deter her insistence. "Are you sure?" I asked. She nodded her head against my chest.
"Alright, I'll take you home," I promised. I scooted her off my lap to sit beside me and wrapped an arm around her as I put the truck into gear. She nuzzled into the crook of my arm as I maneuvered the vehicle back onto the road and continued toward her house.
I drove at a snail's pace, in no hurry to return Bella to her father in her current state. I could only hope that her tears would lessen in intensity once we reached her home. And I was right. I squeezed her arm reassuringly as we drove the darkening roads. Her sobs turned to cries and turned to sniffles until I could only hear the sounds of her heart and shaky breathing. But the tears never slowed. It was as though they had been set on a continuous drip – like the medication Carlisle administered to Jacob through his IV – the tears continued to flow.
I pulled the truck to a stop in front of her house and shut off the engine. "We're here," I whispered.
She raised her head slowly, reaching up to wipe her face with her hands, attempting to brush away the evidence of her anguish. I reached up a tentative hand and brushed her cheek with my knuckles. She took a deep breath and let out a sigh before she began scooting away from me to open her door.
I climbed out and ran to the other side, opening her door before she could open it herself. I offered her my hand as she gingerly climbed from the car and set her feet on the ground. She faltered and I grabbed her shoulders to stabilize her, afraid her legs may completely give out. She raised her palm, assuring me that she could walk, and I reluctantly let her go.
I followed closely behind as she walked to the door. She paused at the base of the steps, gnawing on her bottom lip. She turned slightly, still unwilling to look in my eyes. "Wait for me upstairs," she muttered.
Reaching out, I pulled her to me. I wanted to bolster her, give her my strength, my courage. I would give anything to stop her tears. She wrapped her arms weakly around me and I squeezed her tighter, pressing my lips to her forehead. I rested my forehead on hers as we stood there in front of her house. After a few moments, she lifted her palms and placed them on my chest, pushing me back away from her.
She gave me a tight smile as she turned and ascended the stairs. I stood, watching as she opened the door, before jogging to the side of the house and leaping into the open bedroom window.
I lowered myself onto her bed and put my head in my hands, running my fingers through my tangled locks. I squeezed my eyes shut and choked back the sob that had been building in my chest. I listened to the brief conversation with her father, gleaning that she had indeed made her choice, breaking Jacob's heart and perhaps her own in the process. I found little solace in my victory.
Bella's footsteps grew louder as she neared and I looked up as the door began to open. She stumbled into the room, her eyes brimming with fresh tears, and she reached out to brace herself on the edge of the bed. She slipped down, crumpling onto the floor, her body giving out on her, no longer able to stand up to the strain. I crossed the room and knelt beside her.
Her brow pinched together and she grimaced as she began to claw at the silver chain on her wrist and the tiny wooden wolf that swayed with the movement. Her fingers shook as she tried to remove the offending object from her arm and the links began to groan and expand as she pulled.
I reached out a hand to still her movements. "No, Bella," I whispered. "It's part of who you are."
She looked up at me through her tears. The pain in her eyes was overwhelming me and I felt a lump forming in my throat. She looked so despondent, so completely empty. I reached out for her, scooping her up into my arms, and I lay down on the bed, cradling her to my chest.
I pulled her tightly to me and kissed her forehead, unleashing another torrent of tears. She wailed as she pressed her face into my chest once more. My hands trembled as I held her, stroking her hair, her back. I could feel my composure slowly beginning to unravel as she once again crumbled before my eyes.
The hours wore on and Bella's sadness never seemed to diminish. Her father tossed and turned in the next room, his own heart breaking along with his daughter's as he listened to her pain. Would it ever stop? Her grief was so intense that I had to wonder if she had made the right decision. Was she crying for her lost love – for Jacob? Was she regretting her choice?
I rubbed her back and hummed her lullaby, desperate for anything that would bring peace. Her cries quieted marginally, but never ceased. At one point in the evening, I had almost made my decision to call Jasper and beg for his help. There had to be something I could do to end the tears. I felt utterly useless as I tried in vain to comfort her.
The memories of her heartbreak resulting from my departure resurfaced in my mind. It was the only other time I had seen her so completely despondent. To witness her agony through the memories of others was crushing, but to witness it firsthand was indescribably painful.
"Shh," I soothed, stroking Bella's arm with my fingers. She glanced up at me for the briefest moment. It was the first time in hours I had seen any sort of reaction from her, and what happened next completely broke me.
Her eyes widened and she tugged her bottom lip between her teeth, biting so hard I was afraid she would draw blood. She gasped and a fresh deluge of tears burst from her eyes. She began to wail, mumbling incoherently as she buried her face in my side. "I'm so-s-s-sorry," she kept repeating over and over.
I tried my best to soothe her, reassuring her as best I could, but it was of little use. I could feel my chest tightening as I began to panic, wondering what could have happened, what could be done to stop this. How could I mend her broken heart? How could she have made the right choice when that decision was so clearly tearing her apart? She had chosen me, but would I be enough for her?
A/N: Well, we are nearing the close of our tale and I'm sad to see if coming to an end, but excited to begin the next installment. I'm not certain, but I anticipate two, possible three more chapters before Eternal Equinox is complete.
Thanks to everyone for your continued support – you continue to amaze with your kind words. Thanks to my beta, NellyBear85, who is without a doubt the fastest beta ever. And special thanks to misticbutterfly for WC-ing with me and helping me hash out those sticky details.
Now that the story is nearing completion, I'm looking toward Breaking Dawn. I'm contemplating possible titles and would love to hear your thoughts if you have any suggestions. I don't know if you have noticed, but I tend to take the initials of the original titles and work them into mine – New Moon = Moonless Night (NM=MN) and Eclipse = Eternal Equinox (E=EE). I'd love to be able to come up with a title that consists of two words beginning with B and D for Edward's version of Breaking Dawn. Thoughts, ideas, suggestions….?