GAIGE: You know, all things considered, I think I might actually feel a little bad for Nakayama. How a guy like that started worshiping Handsome Jack, I'll never know.
AXTON: Well, apparently he's also some kind of assassin or whatever. He killed Atlas' CEO or CFO or something like that.
MAYA: I thought the CEO was nine? Nepotism, or something.
AXTON: You're thinking Admiral Mikey of the Crimson Lance, Atlas' military arm.
GAIGE: Well, whatever. The point is, when we got up in the morning, we had nothing better to do, so we decided to follow up on the lead Claptrap gave us. [click]
CLAPTRAP: Before you ganked them, the savages let me in on the professor's plan. He's got a temporary lab set up in Ardorton Station that he's using to create Eridium-engineered Jack clones! You gotta destroy his samples of Jack's DNA and shut down that lab!
MAYA: Wait. Eridium-engineered? No one mentioned anything about Eridium.
SALVADOR: Maybe he'll be more dangerous this time around, eh?
AXTON: Sounds like fun. [click]
GAIGE: So we went to Ardorton Station—which took forever to find, by the way, because Claptrap's stupid waypoint didn't make it clear that we were looking for an underground cave, so we're all bumbling around in a different cave and he keeps calling us up wondering why we haven't found the place and—
MAYA: Gaige, breathe.
GAIGE: [several deep breaths] Right! So, we got to the lab, fought through a bunch of tribals living in this...I dunno? Fungus-lab thing? I don't know what it was supposed to be, but there were giant glowing blue mushrooms everywhere.
GAIGE: After we got past that, we came to this outdoor area again and found the DNA sample in a safe—just right out in the open, by the way, even though it was guarded by those scorpion things—and smashed it. [click]
NAKAYAMA: [low, dangerous voice] Ah, yes—that's one of my mysterious DNA samples. The life force of my incredibly secret plan that you will never, ever uncover!
HAMMERLOCK: Claptrap already told us you're planning to clone Handsome Jack.
MAYA: Actually, didn't you tell us that?
NAKAYAMA: You— [exasperated] Sonofabitch.
[click]
GAIGE: The backup sample was guarded by a bunch of tribals on the other side of station, past the...crap, what was that lab? The little one?
MAYA: I think it was just a morgue.
GAIGE: No, definitely not...
AXTON: Well, it was cold in there. Some sort of cryo thing?
GAIGE: Well, whatever! Point is, past some tiny lab, there was a little tribal outpost village thing with another dozen of those stupid witchdoctors, and we fought through them all and destroyed the second sample. [click]
NAKAYAMA: Waitwaitwait! Have you considered...not ruining my plan to clone Handsome Jack? J-just think of all the upsides! Ah, firstly, you'd, um...uhh...
[pause]
NAKAYAMA: ...yeah. Yeah, I got nothin'. [click]
GAIGE: Does he think there are any upsides for him? I mean, seriously, his plan seems to be "clone Handsome Jack, then everything will be perfect!"
MAYA: I told you, he's crazy. Most of the time, crazies are just...crazy.
[pause]
AXTON: Hey, you still here?
MAYA: What? Yes, I'm here, of course I'm here. Why?
AXTON: You were kinda zoning out on us.
MAYA: Sorry, just remembering someone.
GAIGE: O...kay...so, we went deeper into the station, into another big indoor area with blue glowy things everywhere, and a bigger village of tribals. And someone thought it would be a good idea to toss a rubberized MIRV grenade at this witchdoctor standing NOT FIVE FEET FROM ME!
AXTON: I said I was sorry.
GAIGE: My arm got blown off!
AXTON: C'mon, it literally took you five minutes to reattach it.
GAIGE: [angry muttering] Shove you into a glass jar...
AXTON: What was that?
GAIGE: Nothing! [click]
CLAPTRAP: Great! The DNA samples have been destroyed! Now you've just gotta shut down the lab's power grid by flipping a teensy little switch! It won't be hard—so long as you didn't lose any fingers during today's festivities, you'll be well-equipped for the task at hand!
[pause]
AXTON: That was worse than the "chill out" pun.
GAIGE: Um, Claptrap, maybe you shouldn't—
CLAPTRAP: Fine, whatever! Last time I try to make a "flip the switch" objective entertaining. [click]
GAIGE: We got out of the glowy lab, and into this...preserve, I guess? It reminded me of Hyperion's Wildlife Exploitation thingy, so I think that's what it was. Lots of scorpion guys everywhere, and the lab with the power switch was a good ten or fifteen walk away.
MAYA: It was a beautiful preserve, though.
AXTON: Except for the monsters trying to kill us.
SALVADOR: I thought they helped underline the stark purity of the natural landscape.
MAYA: ...that's way too many big words for you. Zero, have you been talking to Salvador about art or whatever?
AXTON: He's gone again.
MAYA: [sighs] Of course he is.
GAIGE: Anyway! We got to the lab, this big underground thing—I mean big as in like, three rooms, not like a sprawling secret underground lair—and, you know...flipped the switch.
[pause]
GAIGE: Okay, I think Claptrap has a point. That just does not sound like part of an epic tale of heroism. [click]
NAKAYAMA: [angry, screechy] I just lost all the power to my experiments! That's it, Vault Hunters! It's time to face my wrath! Woundspike! KIIIIILL!
[screech of anger]
MAYA: Please tell me that's not a giant scalyion with Handsome Jack's mask stapled onto its face.
GAIGE: Don't forget the Hyperion turret on its back!
MAYA: Yes, I saw that. [sighs] Let's get this over with. Start with the turret.
[explosion]
AXTON: Nice shot.
ZERO: Thank you.
NAKAYAMA: Seriously, can you just—stop? I-I put a lot of effort into t-this plan to make a Jack-creature and you're friggin' ruining it and it's making me friggin'—fraggin'—AHH I AM SO ANGRY AT YOU! [quietly] Ah...please don't kill me. [click]
GAIGE: And then, of course, we killed the giant scorpion-shaped abomination of science. [click]
NAKAYAMA: Oh my god you killed him so easily. Ohhhkay, that's...bad. Wow, that's disheartening. Crap.
HAMMERLOCK: Exceedingly well done, Vault Hunters! Come on back to me and we'll see about taking down Nakayama himself.
AXTON: Woo! Yeah! High-five!
[pause]
AXTON: Anyone?
GAIGE: We're all covered in slime! Give us towels, then we can talk!
AXTON: Why would I have towels?
NAKAYAMA: Okay...I'm honestly scared out of my mind right now but [nervous giggle] you stiiill haven't totally stopped me! [heavy breathing] [low, dangerous voice] I've got a backup lab on my ship, complete with one last sample of Jack's DNA and the most dangerous genetic monstrosity Pandora's ever seen. [breathless laugh] The only way to truly stop me...is to come to my ship and kill me!
[pause]
NAKAYAMA: Wait, WHY DID I TELL YOU THAT!?
HAMMERLOCK: What a rubbish evil genius you are! Good god man, show some backbone! Throw some sarcastic taunts at us or something!
NAKAYAMA: What!? No! T-the the Vault Hunters just killed a bunch of my guys and now they're gonna ruin my plan— [wordless sputtering] I'm scared out of my MIND!
AXTON: That'll go away when your brains are scattered over the floor.
MAYA: Axton, you're not helping. [click]
GAIGE: And then we just...went back to the lodge. Found a back door out of Ardorton Station, so it didn't take as long. I guess tomorrow, we're off to fight Nakayama!
SALVADOR: Claptrap has some missions for us first.
[collective groan]
SALVADOR: What?
MAYA: You don't have to take every mission someone offers you. You do know that, right?
SALVADOR: Uh...
GAIGE: [sighs] Good night, subscribers. Something is going to happen tomorrow, though it might not be worth logging.