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Chapter Thirty Six

September 1968

The Tulsa State Fair was as busy as it always was opening weekend. Ever since they'd moved to Tulsa attendance had become somewhat of a regularity. Sam had gone with his family as a child and it was an experience he wanted to pass on to them. As cheesy as it was, Rose thoroughly enjoyed going to the fair, even if it was only to spend time with her family.

This one wasn't as hard as the last, which was the first one without Diego. Rose figured that was how it was with absence, it got easier to deal with over time, though she hoped it would never be too easy to cope with.

Or maybe it was made easier by the fact it was the first time she'd been let out from her virtual house arrest. She still had a few days of her grounding left, but her mother made an exception for a family event. Though, Rose thought that her resolve might've have been faltering anyway.

"Can I have some cotton candy?" Anthony asked.

Her younger brother was a real candy fanatic, and she figured he'd been waiting since they arrived to get his hands on something sweet.

"Sure thing buddy." Their step-father answered.

"Ah, no." Marta corrected. "You know if he eats sugar he won't sleep."

"Right." Sam nodded, turning back to wink at Anthony.

"Mom, I need to use the restroom." He said, earning himself a skeptical look from their mother.

"I'll take him." Sam offered, and before Marta could object they had disappeared off in the direction of the 'restroom'.

Marta shook her head in exasperation, "Those two are as bad as each other."

Rose didn't think her mother looked all to displeased by being outmanoeuvred by her husband and eight year-old son. If anything she looked amused.

"You sure you don't want to go and find your friends?" Marta asked. "It's not very cool to be hanging out with you family."

She was about to claim that she much preferred hanging out with her family, when she saw Tim standing by the stockade where the horses were being showed. They hadn't so much as seen each other since the party, and seeing him there reminded her that she always kind of missed him when they weren't speaking. It wasn't that they were avoiding each other, they were simply not actively seeking the other out. Even then she'd still expected to see him. The universe did have a habit of throwing them together.

"You guys are very cool," Rose said. "But I'll catch up with you later, okay?"

"Okay." Marta said. "As long as you don't drink."

"Never again."

When she approached Tim he nodded in acknowledgment, but said nothing. He looked very out of place leaning against the fence and yet somehow his confidence made him fit right in. That was how it was with Tim, everything bended to his will whether it wanted to or not.

"Good to see you sober." He greeted.

"Good to be sober." She replied, stopping in front of him. "Thanks for coming to pick me up. Beth didn't think you would, but I knew you would."

"Cocky much."

"Not cocky," she said. "Just sure of you."

"That right. You ride?" He asked, jerking his head towards the horses.

"A couple times when I was a kid, but there aren't exactly a whole lotta horses in Miami." She said. "You?"

"Nah," Tim shook his head. "Used to watch Dally ride sometimes."

He said it so casually it almost seemed like he talked about Dally regularly, as if it was something normal. Of course, him not saying anything about Dally didn't mean he didn't think about his fallen friend, it simply wasn't in Tim's nature to talk about his feelings.

As soon as the words left his lips his expression took on a strangely melancholic character, it was a controlled sadness of course, but that didn't mean he was any less grieved. She supposed that was how grief worked, you could go for ages without thinking of them, and then suddenly you're reminded and for a moment it's like losing them all over again.

"You miss him, don't you?" Rose said. "It's okay if you do, but don't worry, I won't tell anyone that you actually have feelings."

"Much appreciated."

"Was Dally any good?"

Even if Tim had brought up the topic she wasn't sure he wanted to continue the discussion, but she thought maybe he needed to. He never talked about Dally, and rarely ever talked about anything else that plagued him, which she knew to be a lot. From experience she was well aware that pretending things didn't hurt doesn't make it true.

"Plenty good." Tim said. "Never would've told him that o'course."

"Of course."

Dally wasn't someone she thought about regularly, but every so often he'd cross her mind. Thinking about Dally was a very quick way to make herself very sad. Nothing about his life was uplifting, and his death was nothing short of tragic. Sometimes she wondered how different his life would have been if someone had loved him when he was young and in desperate need of it. What he would be like. Probably less cruel. Thats what you become when you don't know what it is to be loved - cruel and bitter.

"You know, Dally was the first boy that ever paid attention to me, and I know how that turned out, but at least some of it was real." Rose said, and Tim raised his eyebrows at her. "I know you don't agree, and I was probably just another lay to him, but there was a moment where he seemed almost human. Not the tough guy he always acted like. But scared and confused and looking to make sense of everything, like we all are. And I guess that made me feel special, that I could get him to open up like that, even for only a moment."

"Don't think Dally made many people feel special." Tim said. "You should count yourself lucky."

There were many reasons she counted herself lucky but that wasn't one of them. No one should feel grateful for the scraps of affection shown to them. Dally might've made her feel special for a moment, but he cut her down just as easily, and all because he thought hurting others would make him hurt less.

"Do you think he ever had a chance?"

Her eye's never left his face as he looked up at the sky in contemplation. Given the weight of her question she'd known he'd need time to think about, so she didn't press him for an answer. Especially not when she didn't even know how she'd respond.

"Do any of us?" He asked, finally looking back at her. "Why don't you hate Dally for what he did to you?"

Rose shrugged. "He wasn't worth hating. Wouldn't help me either, so why give him any power over me?"

"You really don't hate anyone?"

"I didn't say that."

"You ever hated me?"

He asked it in such a casual manner that anyone else might've believed he didn't care about the answer, but she knew better. The very fact he was asking meant he cared. Usually Tim didn't ask questions he didn't know the answer to, but his eyes searching her face told her he wasn't certain about how she felt.

"No. There were times I wished I did, it would've made things easier if I could hate you, but I never did." Rose admitted. "Were there ever moments where you hated me?"

"Why would I ever hate you?"

"I don't know." She shrugged. "You've been pretty angry with me at times."

"Shit, if I hated everyone I've been angry at I'd hate everyone I know." Tim said. "'Sides, you don't piss me off that often."

"Is that a compliment?"

"Maybe."

"Can I get you to say it again?"

"No."

"Didn't think so." Rose conceded. "I have to get back to my family, but don't be a stranger, alright?"

"You telling me what to do now?"

"Someone has to."

As she walked away she promised herself she wouldn't look back. That would be overly sentimental of her when she needed to be rational. To only think of what was best for herself, and what was best had never been Tim Shepard. But it was Tim, and he'd been so casually open with her, and he'd been so unsure, and dammit she looked back.

Tim was also watching her as he light up a cigarette, looking so gloriously handsome that she was almost come over by the urge to jump into his arms and kiss him senseless. She didn't, but she seriously wanted to. Instead, she settled for an awkward wave that made him smirk. Still, she'd looked back.