*This story is really strengthened by you followers and readers. You are all amazing and I am so happy my writing is touching you. Love to you all. xx
*If interested, Rilo Kiley 'A Better Son/Daughter' inspired this chapter
Do I need to worry about Merle? If he 's alive and out there...
Danni's gut told her he was; no premonition in her life had ever been as convincing as this one. Apprehension hadn't held her chest hostage like this from a dream in ages. Was he going to waltz back in and fuck everything up?
Daryl snapped his fingers in front of her face. "You listening to me?"
"Yeah, you said...fuck, I don't know what you said. What did you say?"
"Should I be worrying about you?"
"No." She lied wanting to hug him and tell him she was terrified of his brother coming back and ruining their lives. The last time she brought up a Merle dream Daryl had wanted to go searching for him. If Merle was heading their way she wasn't going to hasten his arrival. What the hell will Daryl do?
"I'm just tired." After what they'd endured over the past week, she longed for an unexciting, mundane stretch of life, finally settled back at the prison. Well, as calm and normal as possible, she added to herself, seeing three ragged, shuffling corpses in the field behind the store.
They drove up to the front entrance. There was no way to open the automatic sliding doors without electricity. Daryl peered inside, and in the dim light, noticed the store looked comparatively. untouched.
"We should probably drive around back. I bet there is an employee door. It might be open, or at least, will be easier to break into. Then the car will be right there to load and get away fast if we need to." She said, so he'd stop glancing over at her with that concerned scowl.
Once in the rear of the lot, they parked next to a dented, graffiti covered metal door. The entrance was locked. "Danni!" He called out to her. "Crowbar or somethin'?"
She found one in the back of the Explorer threw it to him.
He jimmied the door open from the frame. It had already been compromised by someone else's failed attempts.
They walked through the back room, stacked with boxes. Daryl was in front of her. She nodded at him to open the next door, and they both stepped through, alert. They moved slowly into the foyer area of the store and took in the layout. Sections were separated by categories like clothes, food, electronics and hardware. It was like any old regular Wal-Mart or Target.
"Look at this place," Danni whispered, "It's hardly been looted at all."
Except for the cash registers. Every one was smashed or on the floor, opened and empty of cash. It was ironic that the first thing people thought of was money. Money was the least valuable thing in this new existence.
They each pushed a shopping cart, Daryl one-handed, his crossbow in his hand not on his back, ready, in case. They hit the baby section. Danni pulled out the list.
"Those." she pointed to the portable crib playpen contraption Carol had described. "That's on here. Carol said two." Daryl put the large boxes of the to be assembled porta cribs across the top of his cart.
Danni stared at the onesies. She began putting a bunch of basic white ones in the carriage. Daryl pushed in beside her and picked up a pink one.
"Right?" He asked. He grabbed a couple more girlie ones and repeated himself. "Right?"
"I told you she's gonna be a daddy's girl. "
He started wandering the infant toddler rack and Danni noticed him putting what seemed like every damn piece of pink clothing on the racks into her cart.
"She'll be dressed til she's a teenager."
He turned and said, "Damn right." With the biggest, most natural smile Danni had ever seen on his face in the entire time she'd known him.
He was gonna love his little girl. "What about him?" Danni teased.
She followed Daryl's lead and grabbed a bunch of clothing that the kids could grow into. They might never have this chance again.
Danni was relieved that they were able to get everything on the list from bigger items like the cribs and carrier/car seats to the smaller, bottles, pacifiers, towels, diapers, wipes and even the breast pump which made her wince, but she realized it would allow Daryl to feed the babies too, with a bottle, like in her dream. He'd want to do that. She knew it.
They wandered other areas of the dim, silent store. The air was stale and Danni smelled rubber or plastic.
She stocked up on notebooks and pens for herself so she could keep journaling as long as possible. She pulled a large zip-up hooded sweatshirt from a hanger, then searched the rest of women's clothing for leggings. She grabbed a pair of black converse sneakers since she found one in her size. They were like the ones she'd had that Daryl hated so much. If he noticed he didn't say anything. He focused on any potential Walker threat. They remembered shampoo and soaps for everyone along with towels and wash cloths. Most, if not all, personal hygiene items had been left at the farm. Next, Danni stocked up toothpaste and toothbrushes-she was obsessed and cleaned out the aisle. There was nothing she hated more than the feeling of her teeth 'wearing fuzzy sweaters' as she called it. She grabbed books for Carl and Sophia, and chocolate for Carol and Lori who's hint wasn't lost on her.
"What's that?" She noticed Daryl carrying a package of cat treats.
"For Squirrel Bait." He said as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
Sometimes he still surprised her.
Daryl then worked on Rick's requests knowing they'd be back for another run as soon as they could. This place had too much stuff for just one. He found first aid supplies, camp lights, propane tanks for the camp stove, cases of bottled water and various hardware items supplies.
Danni mentioned "I need to go to the sporting goods section."
"You?" Daryl asked.
"There's something I need to get for somebody." She said vaguely.
He shrugged and followed her. He didn't say anything when she put a football and Atlanta Falcons jersey in her cart
They continued to stay alert and look out for Walkers. Danni knew nothing was as safe as it appeared, but as she looked around she couldn't help but once again remember when things were normal. Before the moved on, Danni noticed Daryl hesitate and stare at the kids bikes, a few overturned lying on the linoleum floor, some still standing in a row leaning on their kickstand like a line of soldiers.
"I never had a bike." He shook his head and paced a little. She sensed he wanted to tell her something, so she remained silent, understanding that if she spoke she might spook him. She began folding the clothing in her cart allowing him space to wrestle with his need to open up and his instinct to hide. She scrutinized him secretly out of the corner of her eye, his body relaying the struggle.
"Hate remembering shit." He fidgeted before leaning against the display table.
"You know, my mom, she liked her wine. She liked to smoke in bed. Virginia Slims." He grunted softly at his own memory for detail.
She looked at him, but his eyes were far away.
"This one day I was playing out with the kids in the neighborhood.' He paused again sounding miles of years away. "I could do that with Merle gone. So, they all had bikes, I didn't. We heard sirens getting louder. They all jumped on their bikes, you know, hoping to see something worth seeing. I ran after them, but I couldn't keep up. Got around a corner and saw the other kids looking at me." He started pacing again looking hard at the floor.
"Hell, I saw everybody looking at me." His voice was barely audible gravel.
"Fire trucks everywhere. People from the neighborhood all outside gawking. It was my house they were there for. It was my mom, in bed, burnt down to nothing."
Danni let him go on, knowing he needed to.
"That was the hard part. You know, she was just gone. Erased. Nothing left of her. People said it was better that way." He looked at Danni for the first time since he'd begun speaking. His eyes wanted something, needed something from her. "I don't know. Just made it seem like it wasn't real, you know?"
"You didn't get a wake, a funeral?"
He shook his head. "She was gone like she was never there in the first place."
"How come..."
She didn't have no family 'cept for my dad, Merle was in the army. "
"No grave to visit?" Danni realized out loud. Okay, talk about no closure.
"Nothing to put in it, that's what the old man said. Why spend the money. Not that we had it anyway."
He was letting her in further than ever before. When he next spoke, she felt him emotionally and physically shift to a deeper place inside of her. How she could feel closer to him she had no idea but she did when he said, " It was my fault. My old man says she killed herself, wasn't no accident. She was so disappointed in me she needed to end it."
"You can't believe that?"
He shrugged, "I don't know, maybe?"
"No. That's not true."
He squinted and pressed his lips together, trying to hear Danni say the opposite of what he'd said to himself for all these years.
"Maybe," he said again. 'But If I'd been home I could have saved her. I should have been there, been home to stop it. If I were she'd still be alive."
Danni shook her head. "You were just a kid. Daryl it's not your fault."
He shrugged again and chewed on the rough skin around his thumbnail as he always did when he felt uneasy and didn't know what to do or say.
"Don't blame yourself." She touched his arm and spoke softly. You know her spirit was still there; is still here. She was never just gone. No one is ever gone. That's not what death is."
He'd never thought about it that way before. It never would have occurred to him, but it did to Danni. He took her hand from his arm into his own, squeezing it gently, massaging it with his thumbs, his face distracted. He touched her ring; she touched his.
"Sorry, about your mom." She said, wanting to hold him, hold the little kid and take care of him the way he should have been cared for. She held back.
"Sorry about yours.' He raised his chin and met her eyes.
Danni nodded but looked confused, so he added, "The way she was. How she treated you."
"Thanks." She mumbled, realizing just how much he had overheard when she'd talked about her past with Carol.
"What's worse, not having a mom or having one who let all that shit happen to you?" He asked with a shrug.
"It's not a competition." Her face fell a little when she spoke. He noticed.
"Didn't mean it like that."
He reached over and pulled her to him. She let him hug her with suffocating force. He needed to hold her as much as she needed him to. What hurts more? Having a thing then losing it or not having a thing at all? She'd been asking herself that a lot lately.
She shook her head against his chest, unsure there really was an answer. Finally, with conviction she told him, "It wasn't your fault. You were a kid. We weren't supposed to take care of our moms, they were supposed to take care of us. Everything was so fucked up. I had an old boyfr...friend" she caught herself, knowing it would be better "who told me that I spent too much time worrying about being a better daughter when my mom should have been the one worrying about being a better mother."
"Fucked up." Daryl agreed.
... ... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .
As they were loading the last of the stuff into the Suv, a small group of Walkers had shuffled their way into the parking lot.
Daryl noticed a Toyota sedan nearby. He took the tire iron and t smashed the driver's side window and the alarm started blaring. That would keep them busy while they got out of there.
They hadn't been driving long when Daryl suddenly spoke. "I been thinking, I was kind of hoping we could name him, the little guy, well, after Merle. What do you think?"
"Oh..." Danni looked over at Daryl, his face expectant, hopeful. She paused. "Really?"
"Yeah. Something wrong with that?"
"No. Merle just seems like a middle name kind of name, though, don't you think?"
"What the hell is a middle name kind of name? What's wrong with Merle? It's my brother's name."
"Nothing, I know..." She glanced over.
"Should see your face right now."
When she noticed the corner of his mouth turning up into an amused smirk, she hit his shoulder, "Bastard."
"Payback. For the Andrea thing."
"So you don't really want to name him Merle?"
He huffed. "Hell no."
... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . .. ... .. . . ... .. .
It was a bit like Christmas when they got back to the prison. The shampoos and soaps were an obvious hit with the women. Carol and Lori promised to share the chocolate on pain of death from Maggie. There were dozens of packets of vegetable seeds for Herschel and Danni gave several boxes of condoms to Glenn in private. Carl was a little disappointed in just books, but Sophia was thrilled. When Danni pulled out the coloring books crayons and colored pencils, Sophia looked happy then frowned.
"Thanks, Danni, but I'm a little old for the Hello Kitty coloring book. It's like for five-year-olds. "
"That's not for you that one's mine."
Sophia looked up amused. "Really?"
Danni actually loved kids coloring books. She'd always colored with Tara when they were little and it was one of her good memories. "Yeah. Here these are yours. She presented Sophia with more detailed books. "The Princess, unicorns and fairies are more your things anyway."
"I still like Hello Kitty, though..."
"You better, she still likes you."
"You are so weird." Sophia laughed.
T-Dog had helped Daryl haul the cribs, car seats and bags of baby supplies upstairs. Before he made his final trip down Danni stopped him. "Hey, T I got something for you."
He turned and rubbed his hands together, wiping the grime away as she came closer. Danni gave him the football. His face lit up with a smile that prominently showed the endearing gap between his front teeth.
"Hey, how did you know I love football?"
"I heard you talking to Dale once about how much you wished you could be watching the Falcons. You told him you played in college."
"Righteous. Yeah, this is alright." He tossed it up and caught it.
"I figure you can maybe get somebody to play or something. De-stress, you know?"
"Right on."
"Oh and this too." She passed him the Atlanta Falcons football jersey. "I hope it fits okay."
"My team, man I miss my team." He pulled it on. The red and white jersey fit fine.
"Why? It's not my birthday."
" I just...I don't want us to forget some of the good things from before."
He nodded. " I got to college on a football scholarship. Theodore Douglas magna cum laude. First in my family to do that. After I had graduated I came close to playing pro ball." He was wistful but proud. " Hey, maybe I can teach those little ones of yours something about defensive linebacking when the time comes."
"I hope so."
"Good Lord willing. Let's make sure."
"Oh, I forgot these too." She handed him a package of earplugs, with a wry smile."
He grinned again.
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .
Life moved along at a reasonable pace. Weeks passed and everyone settled into a comfortable communal way of living with routine. Rick, Daryl, T-dog and Glenn, Maggie and Andrea continued to clean out other wings of the prison while Herschel organized and kept track of the medical supplies from the infirmary and the first aid items Daryl picked up on the run. He also plotted and planned for vegetable garden that he'd start in the spring. Carol and Lori took over the duties of organizing the chores cooking, laundry, making the place more livable every day. It appeared sexist on the surface but the reality was that each member of the group contributed in the best way they could. Danni helped as much as the others would let her. Beth was like an apocalyptic domestic goddess. She made that place as clean and comfortable as possible; with almost nothing but her imagination and hard work. She was already excited to help set up the area for the babies. There was plenty of fresh water due to T Dogs idea of the diversion from the stream. Hair washing and sponge bathing was easier since Danni had brought back so much soap and shampoo.
.. ... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .
Danni looked down at her navel ring. The skin was getting red and irritated as her bellybutton stretched with the rest of her stomach. It was such a small, stupid thing, but she started to cry. She unscrewed the jewel at the end of the steel barbell and slipped it out. For the first time in 12 years. She cried over it like a lost pet. She sat on the bed looking at her stomach and kept sobbing. I'm being so vain. Danni hated that she cared so much about her body and how it looked. What she was doing, carrying these babies, was so much more important than how bloated she was all the time or what clothing she could fit into and how stretched her sparrow tattoos were getting. Maybe her mother had gotten to her after all. Maybe she really was her mother's daughter and cared too much about her looks. I ran all this way and ended up right back where you wanted me. Fuck you mom. You'd be happy now. Since Daryl had told her about his mom's death, she 'd been reluctantly thinking about her own mother more and more.
Daryl had just reached the top step and saw her hunched over crying. Again. He never knew what would trigger it anymore. He turned around hoping she didn't see him; he held his breath until he hit the bottom stair, waiting for her to call his name. She didn't. He sighed with relief. He made her worse every time by saying the wrong thing or not saying anything at all. And she hadn't wanted to have sex in days which was unlike her. That usually made everything better, he could always count on that, but she'd been avoiding him at night, going to sleep early and pretending not to notice if he tried to wake her.
He figured it was pregnancy stuff. He felt helpless about the emotions she was going through. But at he same time, relieved that she was here and safe and any talk about running off or doing stupid, dangerous things had ended back at that ghost house. He could protect her and that felt good, but, he missed her.
... .. .. .. .. .. . .. .. .. .. .. ... .. ... .
Carol wasn't sure Danni was getting enough nutrition for herself and the babies. She'd observed all along that Danni wasn't much of an eater; she noticed her trying to eat more lately but was worried just the same. Danni had once told her she couldn't cook and couldn't care less about it. She was always a take-out girl. So Carol started making the most balanced meals she could with what was available. Instant oatmeal, canned soups and beans, meats and vegetables from the prison cafeteria. They were all non-perishable and plentiful. She created stews and soups. Everyone enjoyed and appreciated her willingness and ability to put meals together. Carol kept an eye on Danni, making sure she ate enough regular food. Sometimes it seemed like she was living on the chocolate pudding cups and peanut butter. At least she was diligent about her daily vitamin.
" Carol, you are doing too much for me." Danni said as she put a bowl of soup down in front of her for an afternoon snack. She was sitting at the common table working on her book for the babies.
" I keep telling you you're not alone in this."
Danni nodded but didn't know what to say. Carol sat beside her.
"Carol you always make me want to cry."
"Well, I don't mean to. Why?"
Danni decided to open up. "Because, when you do all this mom stuff for me, it makes me think of my mom and how she didn't do anything. I...I like when you take care of me, but I feel like I don't deserve it." She said it quietly like she was telling Carol a secret. "It hurts. I'm not used to it I guess."
"Danni I'm so sorry that your mother wasn't there for you. Every child deserves a good mother and a good father. You deserved that. I am sorry you didn't have it. Of course, it hurts honey, of course it does."
Danni swallowed hard. "Thank you. It does you know? I've been so angry for so long that the pain got buried I guess. Now it's hurting. Why?"
" Well, maybe because you're going to be a mother yourself. You are ready to grieve what you didn't have so you can give your own children everything they deserve."
Can I?
... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .
"You really want to eat that?"
Danni had just taken the frozen pizza out of its box and put it in the microwave. She was too hungry to wait for the oven to heat.
She turned to her mother sitting at the kitchen table, applying a last-minute touch-up on her face before going out with Jay, stepfather number two for the night.
"It's not going to help with those muffin tops. And your butt ...honey how many times do I have to tell you, boys don't like fat girls." She said it distractedly while applying mascara.
Danni was eleven. Looking at her mother's disapproving glance and hearing her critical tone, she looked at her tummy, suddenly seeing it differently. Was she really getting that fat? She squeezed the small rolls at the top of her jeans. She felt her stomach gnaw at itself and heard it growl in protest when she said "I'm not really hungry anyway." She'd give the pizza to Tara making sure she ate dinner.
"Good girl. You'll thank me later. Now be a doll and make me another."
Danni took her glass and poured another gin and tonic for her mother. Maybe if she was skinnier, her mother would love her enough to make Jay leave. She'd try anything.
Deirdre Riordan-Doherty was beautiful, but she cared too much about it. She had long, natural raven hair and huge, deep green eyes encased in full dark lashes making them the focal point of her delicate porcelain face. Much like her oldest daughter's. Beauty and appearance was her first priority. Deirdre was only sixteen when she had Danni. She was a child who had no business having a child. She married Danni's father as soon as she began to show. Brigid Doherty would not have an illegitimate grandchild, and forced her son Kieran to marry the Riordan girl although he was barely eighteen himself. It was a reverse shotgun wedding. It only lasted a few years. Kieran took off with a couple of his Traveller brothers shortly after Danni's fifth birthday, leaving his toddler and unknowingly newly pregnant wife behind. Rumors as to his whereabouts abounded all Danni's life; Dublin, London but Boston seemed the most possible. Danni suspected her Nan was aware of his location, maybe even had contact on her travels. She knew he'd never return so she never disclosed, not wanting to break Danni and Tara's hearts any more. Danni tried to keep a positive image of her dad. Brigid referred to him as her 'Dark Poet By The Sea' which is the Gaelic meaning of his name Kieran. Nan only spoke well of him. It confused Danni because if he was so good why did he leave? Danni blamed her mother for him leaving she knew it was Deirdre's fault. She didn't want to believe it was her own. She comforted herself with her Atticus Finch fantasy. Her dad would come back someday and take her and Tara away.
Deirdre had not matured much during her two years of marriage.
They'd have no money for food by the end of the month, but Deirdre had her hair professionally styled every two weeks. It was stick straight like Danni's, but her mother wanted long soft flowing curls so she bought them. Her nails were long and manicured every week, without fail, and she only used Chanel makeup. Never the drugstore brands. She didn't smoke and stayed out of the sun, completely obsessed with keeping her beautiful skin as porcelain and wrinkle free as possible. She scolded Danni the first time she caught her sneaking a cigarette, not for health reasons but because it would ruin her skin. She told her to always drink clear alcohols because they had fewer calories and were easier on your skin. She was thirteen at the time. Danni ran in the other direction when it came to accepted standards of beauty and when she did start drinking she never had anything but bourbon or beer.
"Why do like that black shit all over your eyes?" Her mother criticized, "You could be so pretty. You are wasting it. And that lipstick is too dark for your face. You look like a junkie or a ghost. Let me do your makeup, look pretty for once in your life."
When Danni refused, she always heard her mother's "what a waste" follow her everywhere. When she started sporting Mohawk and liberty spike hairstyles, combat boots and a leather jacket in high school her mother wanted to disown her. She ridiculed her with the rest of the neighbors as she left for school or her part-time job. Danni didn't care so much then. She liked that she was good at doing punk rock hairstyles. The kids she met downtown all asked her to do theirs for them. She began to make friends and felt she belonged with the punk rockers. Her mother's opinions and criticism lost their power. She could live on her own in a squat with her friends now. She didn't need her mother or that son of a bitch Jay anymore. Danni would never have gone home again if it weren't for Tara. As much as she wanted to escape her home life now that she had the opportunity, she wouldn't abandon her sister. Whenever she ran away, the guilt brought her back. She knew she had to save her sister. That's what you did when you were the oldest.
"And you dress like a bag lady," her mother criticized her thrift store clothing. "You could be so pretty, why do you make yourself so ugly and ridiculous?" Danni heard it more times than she could count. Her mother always added "It's to torture me isn't?" in an overdramatic self-pitying way.
Maybe it was. Maybe it was to hurt her. As she got older, Danni used to feel frightened and angry when everyone said how much she looked like her mother, how beautiful she was, just like her. Maybe she was trying to protect herself from her mother's men? Maybe if she looked as different from her mother as possible, they'd leave her alone. Maybe If she looked too much like Deirdre, what they did and what they wanted was her fault? But it never worked. Danni didn't know how many years she wasted, wanting her mother to love her enough to leave Jay; to pack them up and take them away from him, to kill him if need be. Instead, her mother did stuff like made them call him daddy. Danni wanted to vomit every time she had to say it, to call him that especially when he was beating her.
The day she refused to call him dad her mother slapped her and that night he beat her worse than ever. But she never used the word again.
She was no Danu, no goddess, no warrior like Nana told her. She was nobody special. She was just a girl, scared and angry. When she saw herself in her stepfather's eyes, she wanted to die, to be cold and gone. Everything felt hopeless. When he looked at her, she was ashamed of herself, especially after she found out what the words slut and whore meant. Words he spit at her very night. When she looked in his eyes, it was like seeing herself at the bottom of a pit, dirty, ragged, poor, stupid. Slut.
Tara's funeral was really the last time she saw her mother. Danni couldn't believe it when, after everything her mother had done, seeing Deirdre looking like she hadn't aged since Danni was a little girl, still so beautiful, still so lost, Danni felt her heart break all over again. She wanted her life back, her mother, but she knew she would never have that. The child she had been was gone with the child her mother had been. They were new people, who didn't know each other anymore.
She heard Daryl's voice in her head saying, "hate remembering shit." What a role model I had. And then she couldn't breath. Suddenly in a panic she realized she didn't want to be a mother. She had no business having these babies. I can't do this, she said trying to pull air into her lungs.
... ... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .
"I would give you a hug if you would sit still for one second." Carol said as Danni paced back and forth in Carol's cell.
"What's wrong?" Lori asked sympathetically.
"I just want them out, out of me." Danni complained anxiously. "Yours came out. How'd you get yours out?"
Lori tried to joke, " I swallowed a map."
"Cut the freaking vagueness. Why is it you mothers don't want to pass down your wisdom to other mothers? You're selfish."
"Danni what happened, you were fine an hour ago?" Lori asked, confused. "You can do this."
"No, I can't. I'm gonna fail. Get them out, get them out, get them out!"
"Please stop moving. Come and sit down."
"No way, I changed my mind. I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I can't handle this..." Danni was about to start crying.
"I'll never forget when they handed me Sophia for the first time." Carol began. Danni stopped pacing but continued to stand.
"She was the most beautiful pink all over. She even smelled pink. That sounds odd. I can't describe it; a sweet, pink baby smell. The first time her eyes focused on me and her little fingers reached out. I was someone new. She had me and I loved her."
"I...I..can't." Danni started to cry, conflicted tears of fear streamed down her flushed cheeks.
"Stop. Breathe. Everything's gonna be fine." Carol soothed.
'Come on Daryl let's have these babies. I wanna be a mommy. God I'm pathetic." She wiped her tears away.
"You're not pathetic. " Carol said standing. She and Lori converged on Danni and steered her toward the bed. They made her sit between them.
" I'm gonna be a bad mother. I should not be a parent."
"Danni, look at me. There are many people in this world who should not have been parents. " Carol said, squeezing her shoulders.
"Yeah, like my mom. Oh and Maybe Mrs and Mr. Hitler could have watched tv that night." Danni got acerbic when she was afraid.
"But, you, you are going to be a great mom." Carol assured her handing her some tissues.
Danni blew her nose and wiped away more tears. "How do you know?"
"Because I know you, and I watch you with Sophia."
"Well, who could not like Sophia?"
"You're gonna be amazing. Carl adores you. Those little babies of yours are very lucky." Lori added and stroked Danni's hair.
"Okay. I guess, okay." Danni took some deep breaths actually feeling comforted by the touch and support of Carol and Lori. It felt good.
"You're over emotional, right now, breath honey, it will pass. It happens to all of us. This is a tough time."
"Yeah? Okay. I'm okay." She repeated it to convince herself.
"Hey, what's going on? Danni what's..." Daryl entered, surprised and distressed to see Danni's flushed tear streaked face; her body huddled between Carol and Lori.
"You okay?" He headed toward them. Carol stood and blocked him maneuvering him out of the cell. "She'll be fine."
"Did I do something? I did, didn't I? Lately, I can't say a damn thing. Every time I open my mouth she's either crying or pissed at me. Now, what?"
"She needs a little mothering now. You go on."
He stood looking helpless. "I don't know what to say to her anymore. You know she thinks she's ...ugly...that I don't want ..." His cheeks started to redden and he couldn't finish.
Carol looked at him sympathetically. "Don't say anything. Just listen to her. And show her. Show her how you feel."
He winced a little and pressed his lips together with a thoughtful nod of his head.
"Now, go, we have this okay?"
After he had left, Lori offered to make Danni some tea.
"Why don't you tell us what you're afraid of." Carol prodded.
"Can I talk to you guys about...my...mom? Seriously, can I?"
... ... .. .. .. .. .. .. ... . . ... .. .
It was late, but Daryl was still awake waiting for her when she finally finished her talk with Carol and Lori. He couldn't sleep; he'd worried despite what Carol had said.
"You okay now?" He quietly rasped as she approached.
"Yeah, it was nothing. Didn't mean to worry you." She made no move to join him in bed, so he stood and walked toward her.
He lowered his head and kissed her neck. He began moving his mouth up when she pulled away.
She smiled weakly. "I'm tired."
"Its late you must be. Come on." He started to unzip her sweatshirt. She swatted his hand away, more forcefully than she meant to.
"Just trying to help you." He explained.
He noticed she'd been sleeping fully clothed lately and figured she was cold, but now felt it was more than that. In fact, she'd been wearing that huge sweatshirt constantly since the run. It hid any shape she had. He was used to seeing her in clothes that fit even with her pregnant belly.
He remembered how self-conscious she'd been back at the ghost house. He tried to put his arms around her. She pulled away again saying "You don't have to."
He noticed she seemed sad, not pissed off.
Danni was feeling insecure and overwhelmed partly because of the memories of her mother but also because no matter what anyone said, she felt like a clumsy, awkward elephant.
Daryl recalled what Carol had said. Show her how you feel.
The desire to kiss her returned, only this time, he didn't let her stop him. He placed a hand on the back her neck and pulled their bodies together, while his other hand journeyed from her shoulder, down around her waist. Their faces were only inches apart. Danni's eyes were wide and her lips were trembling. She was getting a weird vibe from him and it made her more nervous than the first time she'd kissed him.
"What are you doing?" She whispered.
"I'm gonna kiss you."
"Don't."
He reached over with a delicate hand and slipped it gently under her chin, raising her line of sight to his eyes. She blushed and the frown on her face inspired his next words. "I like you the way you are."
She looked down and tried to pull her face away. "You don't have to say that."
"I know I don't."
Daryl lowered his face and brushed his lips against hers. He met half-hearted resistance. For the time being, he was content with limiting his contact to simple pecks, and although his heart surged with the hope of feeling her tongue slide against his he didn't push. There was time. He could wait. Daryl broke the contact between their mouths and pulled his face back so he could focus her eyes properly on his.
"Hey. Look at me." He said as if knowing she would lose herself in his piercing gaze.
He tentatively pulled her arms up around his neck and slipped his own around her waist their bodies easing into one another's with Danni showing awkwardness.
"You…just kissed me." She murmured. "I told you not to."
Daryl's adrenaline pulsed with a mixture of fear and confidence that he could get through to her once and for all. He nodded and said, "Yeah, what are you gonna do about it?"
He removed his right arm from around her waist, brought his hand up to the side of her neck and proceeded to caress her soft skin with intense affection. He felt her shiver in a good way so he also brushed his thumb over her lips and along her cheek in time with the motion of his palm. He body softened into his hold, but she wasn't giving in one hundred percent yet.
"What's wrong?" he said realizing that he usually cut her off when she complained about her body because he was nervous about what to say. Carol made him realize maybe listening was what she needed. He didn't have to have the answers. Show her.
She felt her cheeks flush crimson. "I think it's obvious."
Daryl gave her a quick kiss on the forehead "I wanna hear."
"You're not making this easy on me, are you?"
"Nope. Talk."
She looked up at him, almost in shock. Who is he tonight?
Could she tell Daryl that she loved him with all her heart but was afraid he might not feel the same if their physical attraction lessened? She'd hinted at it and he always shut her down immediately. He didn't want to know. He probably felt that way already.
Far too embarrassed to confess her heart to him under his intense scrutiny, she lowered her chin into the crook of his shoulder and brushed her lips against his ear. His hand scaled the side of her neck and ended its journey underneath her ponytail, where it gently kneaded her flesh in a partly successful attempt to relax her jittery nerves. He pulled the elastic from her hair and let it loose over he back, still massaging the base of her skull.
It felt so right being in his arms, having him touching her like this. For the first time, he was all affection barely hinting at anything sexual.
"You really want to know how I feel?" Danni asked, her voice barely a whisper.
"I…" She swallowed back a huge lump in her throat and forced herself to continue. "You told me I was beautiful. Remember? That night in the tent, at the farm. You told me you think I'm beautiful."
Daryl didn't say anything for what felt like a very long time, yet probably only amounted to a minute or two.
"That's a problem?"
Steeling herself for the worst, Danni admitted "I 'm afraid you won't be able to love me if you think I'm ugly or my body is gross. I sound so shallow right now, so vain..." she began to criticize herself. " But, I miss how I was."
"You miss it more than I do."
"Smooth, Dixon, smooth." She couldn't refrain from a little humor.
"Danni, you're the prettiest goddamn girl I ever seen." He made her look at him. "Said that before too. I meant it then, I mean it now."
Why was he so perfect. Her arms tightened around his neck. "I'll never forget when you said it. No one ever said anything that real to me before."
"Then believe it."
"You don't think I'm disgusting? I don't turn you off?"
"You turn me on more now if you want the truth."
"Cause my boobs are bigger right?" She said against his chest.
"No...yeah, I guess, but there's something else. You're carrying my kids in there. He gently put his palm on her belly. We did that, its fucking sexy as hell." He looked down at her. "Right?"
"Really? You really think so?"
He nodded. "Hell yeah. That weird?"
She shook her head, are you tonight?" He never said stuff like that.
His hands drifted underneath her t-shirt and caressed the small of her back in lazy circles, sending a low voltage tingle coursing through her body.
"Can I take off your clothes?" Daryl asked.
She shrugged.
"Take that as a yes."
His strong, calloused fingers gently unzipped her sweatshirt.
Danni seemed content to remain a bystander, leaving him to spread the jacket open and slide it down her arms. The next item to make an exit was her t-shirt.
All of his movements were languid, There was no rush. Everything would be experienced in its own due course; hurrying would only minimize what he was trying to tell her without words.
Daryl sighed, letting his gaze wander back and forth over her face, breasts and stomach.
Smudges of pink materialized on her cheeks and she felt her skin burn.
"You're beautiful," he said, his eyes dark and piercing as they roamed.
"Thank you," Danni whispered, and then kissed him. His lips kissed back with an uncharacteristic gentleness, surprising her because most of the time their desire and passion for each other made kisses rough and breathless. These kisses were soft and intensely sensual, causing that twinge low in her abdomen. He drew her down to their bed asking, "Okay?"
He spent the next hour exploring every part of her. He loved to touch her as much she loved letting him stroke every inch of her nude form. He slowly ran his palms over her smooth, warm skin, paying no special attention to any one particular area of her body. It was all fair game as far as he was concerned.
She sighed and whispered to herself as if in a trance while his hands rubbed at her body and his tongue toyed. His palms coasted higher up her back, caressing every contour of bare skin that was at his disposal.
"You want to have sex with me, now?" She didn't say fuck the way she normally would have. It didn't feel right with whoever this Daryl was.
One of his hands slid out from underneath her shoulders and cupped the back of her head. He leaned in and showered her face with light kisses, and then moved down to her neck where he nuzzled the tender most part of her throat. Her thighs were shaking now.
"Oh, God," she whimpered "Y-you didn't answer my question."
Daryl flicked his tongue against her earlobe and then sucked on the fleshy part, which was a major turn-on for Danni. His hands were constantly on the move, always rubbing and caressing her, stimulating her in some way, never once staying stationary for more than a second at a time.
"What question?" he breathed.
The question now seemed redundant, for it was self-explanatory that Daryl definitely wanted to
"Sex," she whimpered. "Do you want to..."
"I really want to." He said softly.
He gave her ear a goodbye lick, pulled away and took her face in his hands. A few beads of moisture had accumulated on his brow. There was a particular look in his eyes was without a doubt the very look a man gives a woman when he wants to spend hours playing with what he sees.
"Really?" She asked his look.
They shared another heart-melting kiss, one consisting of passionate murmurs, sliding tongues and quivering lips. Keeping their hands off one another was impossible.
She started undoing the buttons on his shirt with a blind clumsiness, not wanting to relinquish the sensation of his massaging tongue just yet. The last button escaped its home and Danni spread his shirt open. Without having to be told, he dropped his hands away from her body so that she could slide his shirt down his arms.
Danni removed her tongue from his mouth and gulped in some much-needed oxygen."You really know how to kiss."
"Had a good teacher."
He brushed her hands aside and filled his palms with the soft, pale flesh of her over sensitive breasts. It didn't just feel good, it felt necessary. When Daryl caressed her nipples with his thumbs, she arched her back and expelled a gasp of pleasure.
"Good?" He asked.
"Uh huh," she groaned.
"This?" He trapped her pebbly nipples between both thumbs and forefingers and squeezed, first gently and then, when they were harder his pinches became a little firmer.
She screwed her eyes shut and her mouth fell open in a silent moan. The growing ache between her legs was rapidly causing her discomfort. But for now Daryl seemed content with his slow pace, attempting to prove to her he loved everything about her body. He was giving every part of her his affectionate attention not just the major artery of her sex drive.
"Kiss me," she said softly, too weak to grab the sides of his head and pull his mouth up to hers.
He pulled his face away from her throat. "Where?" he asked leaving her breathless and slightly desperate. "Everywhere," she whispered."But for now," she added, "I want you to kiss me on the mouth."
They shared a scintillating kiss filled with passion and sexual longing. It wasn't merely their tongues intertwining but also their hearts. This was the way kissing was supposed to be; soft and deeply sensual, yet also gripped with an undercurrent of intensity that surged through the sharing of lips, tongues and her assorted gasps and moans. Daryl eventually broke the kiss and combed his fingers through her damp hair. He gazed at her affectionately as he caressed her face with his fingertips.
His hand slipped from her hair and cupped the side of her face. He stroked her supple skin with more care, love and affection than most guys would lavish on their cars or crossbows, let alone their significant others.
She felt the conspicuous bulge in his pants against her thigh getting harder by the second.
This was crucial to Danni. He was as hard as the proverbial rock and she hadn't laid a finger on him. Although hardly romantic this was possibly one of the finest compliments a man can give his partner because it implied an attraction so powerful that touching and looking was enough to get him highly aroused. She understood what he was trying to tell her. She didn't have to doubt his attraction. He had slowly and methodically destroyed any uneasiness she'd expected to feel under his obvious loving scrutiny; a welcome change from the insecurities which had plagued her so painfully lately.
Danni gave him a long kiss on the lips and combed her fingers through his slick hair.
As he lowered his body onto hers, distributing his weight as evenly and as gently as possible most on his arms, not putting undo pressure on her stomach.
"Can we...can you still? Like this?" She asked him.
He nodded looking down into her huge questioning eyes.
This was her favorite sexual position, but only since Daryl, only with him. She didn't mind being submissive, a role that had made her uneasy in the past. She'd only experienced orgasms on top, before Daryl. When he was on her, covering her and filling her, she felt safe and grounded, not suffocated and trapped the way she had with other guys. She wanted the level of intimacy with him that was otherwise unachievable. Affectionate touches, looks, and kisses were but a variety of gestures available for them to use at their leisure, making the sex far less impersonal than if they were locked together any other way.
Eventually, after tormenting her by working himself into her body at a pace best described as sweetly excruciating, Daryl was completely embedded in her.
"Hey," she sighed, embracing him lovingly with her arms and legs. "You wouldn't believe how much I needed you inside me. You belong in me." She licked his neck marveling over how delicious his skin tasted. "My mind, body, soul and heart are all yours because I love you." She said things to him she'd only ever written in journal. She didn't care if it sounded cheesy and she wasn't worried she'd scare him. Not anymore.
Daryl dug his elbow into the mattress, partially lifting himself into the air so he had the leverage to stroke her face with his free hand. He kept her silent her by showering her face with kisses, each one more tender than the last. Then he migrated south, nuzzling the tender hollow of her throat as he combed his fingers through her damp hair. Each subsequent kiss and lick generated an exponential loss of fine motor control, and all she could do was lay there with her eyes closed and submit wholeheartedly to his advances.
The longer he remained stationary inside her the wetter she became. "I can't take much more."
"What do you want me to do?" he said.
The existing dull throb between her legs gradually morphed into an exquisite, albeit masochistic, form of pain.
"Anything you want, just make me feel good." She whispered. In a desperate attempt to derive at least a small degree of pleasure, she squirmed her hips against Daryl's and tightened her legs around him, rewarding her efforts by grinding himself deeper.
He eased his body into the air, and pulled slowly out of her, then re-entered twice as fast. He repeated the process again and again, leaving Danni sighing as the speed variation worked its wonders.
His tongue slid between her lips and sought out hers.
"Tell me that you love me," she implored. "I need to hear you say the words." He didn't say them often.
"I love you." He softly moaned.
Each withdrawal from her body was met with a tightening of her muscles, but she was so wet that his removal was achieved without resistance. Occasionally he would tease her by slipping out of her completely, exercising what she believed to be inhuman patience until she begged him to thrust back in. It was affectionate, not his usual aggressive teasing.
"Harder," she cried softly.
He obliged her, upping the tempo of his thrusts to a point where he was neither rough nor gentle. It was a sweet medium of the two that sent Danni spiraling out of control towards an orgasm that needed to be released from captivity.
Although the act of making love was exciting and downright satisfying, its primal primary function was to create a living, breathing child; in other words, life. They had done that. Her body was amazing for being able to carry this life. Any changes were just a testament to how beautiful and functional it was. It all came back to this moment, this action set the process in motion. Accept.
True to his intent, Daryl displayed such an overwhelming desire for her that his love and attention eclipsed and began lay to rest the unsettling insecurities and physical downsides to carrying their babies to term.
Starting from the epicenter of her arousal, a burst of searing pleasure spread through her like ripples in a pond, instantly turning each inhalation of oxygen into a gasp and saw it exhale with a panting cry. She shuddered against him with an involuntary surge of the hips, attempting to drive him deeper, harder and faster. She adored the sensation of being lead towards a passionate climax by the man she loved knowing he loved her too no matter what.
... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . .. . . ... ... .. .. .. .
"Who the fuck were you last night?" Danni asked reaching over and stroking Daryl's hair.
"Hell you mean?" He grumbled still half asleep.
He was back.
"I don't know you were just different."
"Different good, or different bad?" He asked half into the pillow.
"Good, really good." She sat up to look at him. "You're smiling aren't you?" She saw him even though he was trying to hide it in the pillow. She put her face down next to his. "I can see it."
He turned his head toward her. "Good, huh?"
She nodded. "So if whoever he is comes back tonight, he's totally welcome."
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ... .
" I talk to you a minute?" Rick approached Daryl as he and Danni sat down for breakfast the next morning. It seemed like Rick had been waiting for him. They'd slept late and now Daryl regretted it.
"Daryl, we got a problem."
Daryl stood when he heard the word problem.
"Last night, someone got in."
"What do you mean got in? Got in how?" Daryl asked.
"You told me the tombs are filled with Walkers that wandered in from the outside, somebody else could have too." Danni interjected guessing.
"Somebody did." Rick affirmed.
"Think there's more?" Daryl asked.
"I don't know. This guy says he's alone, but he could have a group out there waiting for him. A group we might have to worry about."
Daryl nodded, knowingly, remembering Randall's people. "Let's find out."
"He's locked in the anteroom. Secure. C'mon."