Chapter 36. To Know Oneself is to Master Oneself

Wondering why Obi-Wan had feigned ignorance regarding any knowledge of why she had been summoned to appear this day before the Council, Siri took a breath as she waited for the doors to open. It wasn't a mission or a change in her duties; that much she knew. Sometimes that gundark-for-brains Kenobi could be awfully close-mouthed; he could be as irritating in his own way as the always-cryptic Yoda.

Patience, she reminded herself. A Jedi was calm and patient. Patient! Gah!

A faint sense of amusement came through the bond she now shared with Obi-Wan.

Eavesdropper, she accused. Even without the visual, she felt Obi-Wan squirm and stifle a grunt of surprise as she sent a Force pinch to his posterior. She smiled in satisfaction, not at all ashamed of herself.

At least the byplay had taken the edge off her impatience, probably something Obi-Wan had intended all along. He knew what was coming, even if she didn't, even if he had pretended ignorance.

The summons itself had come the night before, as she and Obi-Wan had been socializing with Bant and a few other Jedi. Other than a wrinkle of curiosity on a face or two, no one had bothered to speculate, shrugging it off like the good, obedient little Jedi they were.

Not to be outdone, Siri had only acknowledged receipt of the message and remained quiet, though not without a speculative look or two at Obi-Wan over the course of the evening, looks he pretended not to seen though she knew better. Had there been real vibroshives shooting from her eyes, Bant would have hauled him off to the Healers Ward where'd he still be recovering.

It was not until later that evening, standing side by side on a Temple balcony, looking first at the sinking sun then out over the lights of the planet that she had voiced her questions.

"Do you know anything about the Council summons?" she asked Obi-Wan, who merely looked mysterious, quirking an eyebrow at her.

"You know Council summons may not always be with the full knowledge of the entire Council," was all he would say, but something in his face told her he knew full well why and wasn't about to violate any confidences. She couldn't even sense if it was something good, bad, or merely routine.

She was almost tempted to try to get Obi-Wan to speak in private later, but she respected his vow of confidentiality enough to restrain herself. If Obi-Wan had been free to speak to her, speak he would.

Sometimes it made life difficult to hold to principles. Life would be much easier without them.

She sighed and leaned against the balcony railing, turning her attention to the now flaming sky. The night was mild and the lights sparkled after a brief rain shower earlier.

"Bah,' she murmured, and lightly smacked Obi-Wan's arm. He turned and looked at her, manfully hiding his amusement.

"I really thought you'd try to wheedle information out of me," Obi-Wan whispered in her ear as he stood beside her, holding her hand, concealed by their robes. "Not that I have any particularly, you understand, but the Siri Tachi I grew up with was somewhat impatient."

"I only want what you can give," she responded, seriously, turning her head. "That is our boundary, is it not? To take what is given and ask for nothing? Once either of us asks something of the other, for our own sake, that is when we part to be friends, only."

Seeming to ignore her statement, Obi-Wan studied her; then asked in all seriousness, "Then why did you drag me out here to watch the sunset? You've never done so before."

"Because it makes you happy and I want to make you happy."

"I see." He grinned at her. "Well, seeing as you're a woman who prefers to do rather than watch, let's go inside. Perhaps there's something we can do together that makes you happy."

"Great – you know how much I love to spar." Her voice was teasing. "Okay, show me what you've got."

"Bet now that I'm healthy I can take you two out of three." He smirked, and mimicked, "It usually takes longer to defeat the esteemed Council member. We'll see about that, Tachi."

They shook on it and headed for an empty training salle.

**

At the appointed time, the doors to the Council chamber swung open and Siri stepped forward into the speakers circle and bowed. Seven Council members faced her in person, three via hologram, including her former master.

Involuntarily, her eyes slid to Obi-Wan, to her left. He was slightly leaning back in his seat, a posture indicative of nothing.

Were he totally relaxed he might have one leg crossed over the other and an eyebrow quirked at her. Were he tense, his mouth might tighten a fraction and he would sit straight, pressed into his seat.

Ahead of her, Yoda and Mace both gazed calmly at her. Further to her left, Adi's blue form shimmered, making her hard to read. The other Council members betrayed nothing.

"Knight Tachi, the Council has been evaluating members of the Order on their skill and knowledge of the Force. We have granted several padawans the right to take the Trials, and have moved to the next step. I should like to ask Master Gallia to expound on this," Mace said quietly, and nodded to Adi's form.

"Siri Tachi, my padawan, Knight Tachi. It is with great pleasure that I announce your promotion. You have made your master proud, Master Tachi."

Master! Summoning all her will power, Siri bowed before the Council. "I am honored, Master, Masters of the Council."

"We shall take a short recess to congratulate the newest Master of the Order," Mace declared. Yoda was the first to approach her, his wizened old face creased in a gentle smile, Mace at his side offering his own personal congratulations. Plo Koon nodded to her, his mask hiding his expression, then Obi-Wan was in front of her.

"Congratulations, Siri." As she playfully scowled at him, he raised his hands in defense and stepped back. "Hey, I was just released from medical supervision not long ago," he growled as the amusement of several of his colleagues colored the Force.

"You certainly keep secrets, don't you?" she hissed for his ears alone.

He leaned forward and whispered back. "Yoda said as your lover I had the right, but I wouldn't deny Adi that pleasure."

He stepped back, smiling pleasantly as Siri fought to restrain a deep blush. The look she shot at him clearly indicated he was going to pay for that remark later.

She was waiting for him after the session when the elevator from the Council spire reached the Grand Hallway.

"Master Tachi," he said warily, noting the gleam in her eye.

"Master Kenobi. You gundark! What was that about Yoda - and you as my lover!"

"Relax, Siri," he said quietly. He headed down the hallway with Siri marching right along with him. "Yoda knows, Mace, Adi, too for that matter. Since they encouraged us, I'm not surprised. Yoda was teasing me that as your lover I had the right to inform you, but as you know that right is reserved for the Head of the Council or the knight's master."

"What was that about evaluating skills – for Force's sake, why now? You – you wouldn't…," she searched for the words she wanted to say, as inoffensively as possible.

Obi-Wan's mouth tightened and then relaxed, quickly picking up her confusion and understanding what she was having trouble expressing.

"They started seriously evaluating you when you returned to the Temple. I had very little say in the matter; I was away most of that time. Yoda especially spent some time with you while I was a captive, from what I understand and he was your strongest proponent."

Oh, when he had been suffering so horribly in captivity. "I'm sorry, Obi-Wan, I didn't mean to sound like…the timing was just - I didn't know what to think."

Obi-Wan stopped and faced her. She reached out tentatively and brushed against his Force presence. "I never doubted you, just myself, I guess."

Much to her relief, Obi-Wan smiled suddenly and she felt him brush back against her own Force presence. "I can understand that. That's how I felt myself, upon reflection when they told me I was promoted to knight. I wondered why; I hadn't faced the Trials, I had touched and even briefly used the dark side and I had failed to protect my master, not to mention alienating the very boy I had made a deathbed promise to take as my padawan. It's a wonder I didn't collapse from all the stress and fear strangling me."

"You never told me all that," was all Siri could think to say, dumbfounded. Obi-Wan Kenobi: to be seated on the Council at his age was rare. It was in recognition of his wisdom and his skill with the Force, it was an honor not lightly granted and not given to those who hadn't earned the respect of their peers.

He nodded in agreement and resumed walking. "How could I admit all that and make it all too real? I was full of grief that I didn't dare express, I had Anakin and all his confusion to deal with, and I was uncertain of many things I thought I should not be uncertain of. The Council deemed me ready – how could I say I thought they were wrong. One of the few things I could count on, that got me through those initial doubts, were my friends, meditation, and those nights you just sat with me."

He put an arm around her shoulders and quickly squeezed; an affectionate gesture that would raise no eyebrows should anyone be watching.

"Let's find our friends and you can tell them the news. We'll have a little celebration, okay?"

"Mmm, okay." Pleasure faded into a sad wistfulness as she thought of Reeft, so long away, Garen…. "I wish all our friends could be here, Obi-Wan."

From the look in his eyes, he was in perfect agreement.

*

Obi-Wan nodded; he missed his padawan as well as their friends. Missing those absent was a luxury granted by the circumstances of his limited Temple duty; a luxury he rarely had time to indulge in.

"As do I. It's part of the price we pay for being Jedi." His thoughts turned to the many Jedi he knew, lost to the war, to Jayren, never again the same, Terzah, Caellya and Ian – what price would the following generations pay?

He sighed, only the Force was in a position to answer that question, not a Jedi.

"Ever since we all became padawans, we rarely have had much time together, all of us at once. We chose this life, Siri – the good, the bad, and the sacrifices. When all is said and done, I would choose no differently."

Siri touched his cheek and asked, "Even that terrible ordeal – is it worth that, on balance?"

The answer came without thought, for it was a question he had asked and answered some time ago for himself. Every experience had lessons to teach, if one looked for them. He nodded to himself, yes; even the most painful ordeal left something of value behind.

"From Bandomeer I gained my master, from Melida/Daan an understanding of myself, and from Naboo I gained knighthood and Anakin. From Jabiim, I found my heart. I have you, and I doubt I would have otherwise. For each sacrifice, I have also gained something of value, so in balance, all that suffering I endured was worth it."

He stopped and looked at her. Everything he felt was expressed in three simple words; wonder, awe and love intertwined, no matter how soft the tone. "I have you."

If two Jedi walked side by side down the hallway, neither one speaking nor looking at the other, it would not be apparent to any other Jedi that behind shielded thoughts, two Force presences were dancing in tandem.

**

As with all things in life, nothing remained the same. Life ebbed and life flowed, shaping and reshaping into different patterns. Two Jedi were well aware of that, this night, for after this night any time together would be fleeting and stolen moments in a life dedicated to the service of others.

Despite the separation both knew lay ahead, both knew as well that with the bond between them they could never truly be separate.

Siri was the first to acknowledge this in words as she finally stirred and brushed a finger across Obi-Wan's upper lip, a gesture both tender and simple.

"You're awfully quiet, Kenobi," she whispered as Obi-Wan rubbed her back with one hand. The other twirled through her hair.

"Anakin will be back today." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, tucked against his shoulder. "Reality begins in the morning. No more waking up beside you."

"Yeah?" Siri tilted her head to look at him, reached a hand up to stroke his chin as one reached further down and rested on his stomach. "Bet it's the activity beforehand you'll miss the most."

"Would it surprise you if I said no?" His arms tightened around her and he smiled down at her upturned face. "Just holding you is such a gift – having you beside me to smile at – wakening up to the sound of your snoring – ouch!"

"For that you can have your padawan back."

"I'd rather kiss you," and he promptly proceeded to shift position in order to do so thoroughly. Breaking contact, he raised himself up to one elbow above her and stared down at her. He looked suddenly serious. "You do love me, don't you?"

"Whatever gave you that idea?" Siri countered suspiciously. "Does a girl have to love someone to sleep with him?"

She was startled when Obi-Wan seemed to give her comment serious consideration. Eventually a small grin played across his face, but it was clearly a cover for deep emotion.

"She has to love him if all shields go down when they make love. She has to love him if some nights she just sleeps at his side just to wake up next to him the next morning. She has to love him –"

"—if he constantly takes up more than half the bed –"

"—and she takes more than half the blanket –"

"—and he sometimes kisses her during the night though he thinks she's asleep—"

"—and she gives him a sleep suggestion with her good night kiss so he'll sleep soundly."

They both paused, laughing this time.

"Okay, okay – point made," Siri conceded.

"Good thing, because if you didn't – I need to say this, even at the risk of, er, losing my lightsaber. Siri – I couldn't have come through this without you – you gave me something to fight through the nightmares for – then and afterwards. I owe you more than you'll ever know. Thank you."

"Aw, Kenobi." Siri was so touched, she blinked back a tear or two as her hand gently caressed Obi-Wan's cheek. "Don't shortchange yourself. You did the work; the rest of us only offered what help we could. Thank you for coming back to us. No matter what happens in the future, we'll always have this and I wouldn't trade these past weeks for anything."

The next second her lips were caught in a kiss that took Siri's breath away – a kiss worthy of such romantic drivel as Beyond Forever, the holovid both had ridiculed. Suddenly, "hungry for your kisses" seemed to define this moment.

She fell back against the pillow as Obi-Wan caught his own breath. Before she could beckon him closer, a smile crossed his face as he leaned on an elbow, gently tracing the outlines of her face.

"I'll miss waking up next to you, but even when we're not together, we won't be separated for we will always be together where it really counts, here, inside."

Their bond connected them now, warm and gentle. It felt different than the master/padawan bond, but just as comforting.

"Yeah, Kenobi, and I'm sure we can steal a few nights once in a while."

"Once in a while," Obi-Wan agreed. He smiled impishly, "It'll give me something to dream about during those long campaigns, sleeping in a wet tent trying to persuade myself that I'm perfectly warm and comfortable as I lay there shivering."

They looked at each other then, really looked, drinking in the sight of the other, serious. Finally, a soft smile broke Siri's face and she wrapped her arms around Obi-Wan, pulling him to her. "Come here, then, so we can make the most of what time we do have."

He resisted for just a minute, for he had a need to say this first, before there was no need for words.

"You are my heart, Siri."

"Then I got the better deal, for you are mine, Obi-Wan."