Disclaimer, as provided by Ryoko: "We don't own none of this but our characters and what happens in the story. The characters and location names from Final Fantasy belongs to Square Enix. I'm still not sure who owns cheesecake, but we certainly didn't invent that."
~FIC START!~
*Mateus is standing on top of a non-descript building that looks to be hundreds of stories tall somehow.*
Mateus: "Once again it is that time. I must have absolute privacy..." *he looks around to make sure no one else is coming up the building, flying towards it, or near the door that leads to the stairs, then waves his staff and a fluffy diary with butterflies appears on it* Diary (very computerized voice): "Say your password."
Mateus: "Flamboyant Flamingos Flanderizing for Fluent Francs Farming forgien Fruits!"
Diary (very computerized voice): "Password accepted." *the diary flops open and pages start flipping magically*
Mateus: *sits down in front of it and pulls out a pen decorated in plucked chocobo feathers from his armor skirt pocket* "If I am truly going to win my little samurai's heart, I must think of all of this cautiously." *the pen is writing all of this for him by itself while he's thinking aloud* "Truthfully, she still does care for the knight in shining armor, though their relationship has suffered since I decided to share their bed. Light tolerates me for Ryoko's sake, and she clings to the ways of old princesses having love affairs with knights who should be serving their kings... I have decided that I will not extort or steal the funds I need to build an empire worthy of her love. I will work at it, at whatever job I can get my hands on. She would not accept me as her true husband if I did not build it of my own efforts..." *sighs loudly* "She deserves a land of people who adore her and who would do anything for her, and I vow to build it. And pay back a debt I've been running up for some time. Apparently carpet and my boots do not mix very well."
*an airship is flying in the distance*
Mateus: "What? Spies? I think not!" *shoots a blast at the airship and it hits dead on* "My secrets will not escape this place, foul traitors!"
*the ship crashes*
Mateus: "There. Everyone's still all right. They just know now not to fly anywhere near me when I'm updating my diary."
*then the ship explodes*
Mateus: "...whoops. Spoke to soon." *looks at the diary* "You didn't write that in there, did you, pen?! GAHHH. I should stick to writing my own entries, this has gone far enough..."
MEANWHILE!
Ryoko: "Light, dear, help me fold these sheets."
Light: "On my way."
*they're folding sheets in the living room*
Ryoko: "Thanks. Whew, we've been needing to clean all the bedding for ages."
Light: "Tell me about it. Sometimes I feel like we sleep on a waterbed with all the ick you guys leave in the bed."
Ryoko: "What do you mean 'you guys'?!"
Light: "You and Mateus! For Cosmos' sake, you guys are worse than a pair of jackrabbits in heat! Every night!"
Ryoko: "It's not my fault he's so... possessive."
Light: "You let him do it. You feed his ego. I bet if you stood up to him, he wouldn't like you anymore."
Ryoko: "It's not like that, Light."
Light: "I... don't want to sound like I'm trying to change you or make your decisions for you, my love, but this is getting old very fast. I thought if I waited it out, that you'd eventually let it go and then he'd be out of our lives forever."
Ryoko: "Light..."
Light: "Forgive me, I shouldn't have-"
Ryoko: "No, no, you're absolutely right."
*they finish folding the sheets*
Ryoko: "I'm... I'm gonna go take a walk. I need some time to think by myself."
Light: "You shouldn't go alone! Alis will have my head if something happens to you!"
Ryoko: "I won't leave the apartment building. How is that? I don't even have my slippers on."
Light: "All right."
Ryoko: *walks out of the front door, closing it softly behind her*
Light: *picks up the folded sheets and starts walking towards the hallway* "I... maybe I shouldn't have said anything..."
*suddenly Firion jumps out of the hallway and scares the hell out of Light, making him drop the sheets into a big mess*
Light: "Confound it all, Firion!"
Firion: "Heh, sorry, Dad."
Light: "...gahhh, help me fold the sheets back up."
Firion: "Oh all right." *looks around* "Hey, where's Mom?"
Light: "She said she needed to think for a bit."
Firion: "But what about that whole pillar thing? Oh, Alis is going to kill us."
Light: "No. She said she wasn't going to leave the building. She wasn't even wearing shoes."
Firion: "Ahhhh."
Light: "What's Aria up to?"
Firion: "She's been working on plans for a new project today. Says she's gonna need to buy a new place to start it up, but you know, I think it'll work way better than the whole sex toy thing."
Light: "I hope so."
Firion: "Hey, Light?"
Light: "What?"
Firion: "I... it's nothing. Forget it."
AND OUT IN THE HALLWAY!
Ryoko: "Perhaps I should be honest with both of them... I want to have them both, but it's not right of me... Light is the most dedicated person, putting up with this for as long as he has." *sigh* "I'll just have to..." *she looks out the window*
*Outside, there's a lot of chocobos carrying lots of boxes, furniture, and treasure chests. Some are latched onto carts. There's a whole mass of people talking extremely loudly*
Ryoko: "What in blazes is going on?"
Random voice from below 1: "Stop! Stop it! There's a lady up in that window!"
Ryoko: "...huh?"
Random voice from below 2: "You can't destroy the building!"
Ryoko: "The hell?"
Random voice from below 3: "Jump, milady, we will catch you!"
Ryoko: *sticks her head out* "I will do no such fool thing as to jump from a building like an idiot."
Random voice from below 1: "It is foolery to stay. The building is going to be destroyed!"
Ryoko: "What?!"
Random voice from below 3: "You didn't get the note?"
Ryoko: *turns around to see there's a note hanging on the door leading into the apartment* "Oh snap."
*the door at the end of the hall opens and a man walks in*
Man: "Come on, you can't stay here. This building is condemned."
Ryoko: "what's wrong with the building? How is it condemned?"
Man: "doesn't matter. Come on."
Ryoko: "I'm not going with you." *busts out her katana* "Hands off!"
Man: "A stubborn one, I see." *magical aura appears* "I won't hurt you... Don't Act!"
Ryoko: "I... I can't move my arms!" *looks at the door* "LIGHT! ARIA! FIRION!"
*there is a loud BA-BOOM sound, and Mateus flies in through the window, shattering it all over the hallway.*
Mateus: "Brigand! You shall not harass milady so!" *incinerates the man with a Flare bigger than he is* "Hm. That makes the two-thousandth kill today. I'm on a roll."
Ryoko: "Mateus! My arms are bound under Don't Act! I was going to fight him off, but..."
Mateus: "Princess, what are you doing out here? You realize that your role as heroine will get you in trouble just by being without any guardianship, right?"
Ryoko: "I wasn't planning on leaving the building."
Mateus: "Of course not." *looks out the window* "What was that mass outside?"
Ryoko: "They say that the building is going to be destroyed. The man wanted to take me outside because they were screaming 'stop destroying the building, there's still a lady inside' or something like that."
Mateus: *dispels the Don't Act spell* "Little samurai, you know very well how much trouble you tend to get into when you walk off. Unfortunately, that's how these worlds work. The moment you become a leading female in anything, danger is everywhere."
Ryoko: "Listen to me..." *tries to walk towards the door, but there's glass everywhere* "There's something I have to talk with you about, when we get a moment."
Mateus: *lifts her up into his arms and carries her into the apartment* "Likewise."
Ryoko: "Grab that note on the door."
Mateus: *grabs it* "Get the hell out of the apartment building before Sunday. It's been condemned and the government in Ivalice is going to blow it up to make room for a new one."
Light: "What was that?"
*Light, Firion, and Aria are playing Smash Brothers. The music is INSANELY LOUD.*
Mateus: "Note on the door."
Aria: "So the building's going to be destroyed?!"
Mateus: "That's what the note says." *puts Ryoko on her feet* "Wear slippers next time, little samurai. I'd hate to see your feet bloody because of some idiot knocking glass out."
Ryoko: "Oh. Yeah, and whose fault was that, hmm?"
Mateus: "Now is not the time to point fingers."
Ryoko: "Of course not. Everyone, there's a whole crowd of people and chocobos carrying crap out of the building! I think it really is going to be destroyed! They wanted to take me out by force!"
Light: *turns down the game* "I'm sorry, my love, what were you saying?"
Ryoko: *has an anime angry popping vein popping out of her head* Mateus: !
Ryoko: "Light... oh, that's it. Come on, Mateus. I need to talk to you about something. I don't care if we die." *she walks rather sadly over to her room, and when Mateus stands in the hallway wondering whether to go with him, she yanks him inside and slams the door*
Firion: "Dude, what did you do?"
Aria: "Simple. She was trying to tell us something important, and Light tuned her out. for the first time since they've been together. It obviously hurt her feelings."
Firion: "and how the hell do you know that?"
Aria: "Do you even have to ask that?"
Firion: "I guess not."
Light: "I did ask too much of her this morning."
Aria: "What was it?"
Light: "I... told her that I was tired of Mateus."
Aria: "Well, we're ALL tired of him."
Light: "But, I wonder why she feels she needs him, too."
Firion: "Dad, can I be honest with you?"
Light: "What now?"
Firion: "You're nowhere near the beast in bed that Matty is."
Light: "You think the attraction could be stemming from such a base desire? Ryoko, lustful?"
Aria: "Ha. Listen, whether we wear it on our faces or not, we ALL have lustful feelings. No, not feelings. It's a need. A hunger of sorts."
Light: "I... I can't say I've ever felt that way."
Firion: "Meanwhile, Mateus DEMANDS his needs be answered."
Aria: "Yep."
Light: "I can't fufill all of her needs. No wonder she's pushed me aside."
Aria: "I wonder why you don't have lustful feelings..."
Firion: "Probably because he's a constructed person."
Light: "...I... cannot fulfill...her needs..."
Aria: "Now, now, Light. I know that Ryoko loves you very much. She must be conflicted, especially you throwing it out there that you don't want Mateus in your relationship any longer."
Firion: "Best thing to do is leave it alone."
Aria: "No, no. Go in there and talk to them both."
Light: "I think I should-"
*there is a loud crunching noise from outside*
Light: "What the fu..."
Aria: *goes out onto the balcony*
*a bunch of mages are suspending a gigantic hammer in the air with magic*
Aria: "Was that the best way you could think of to destroy an apartment building? Gahh, what am I saying? You cannot destroy this building!"
Black mage: "Iady, we're here on Delita Hyral's orders. This property belongs to the royal family!"
Firion: "So? We got a princ-"
Aria: *Whacks him on the head* "It's a secret, remember?"
Firion: "We're gonna lose our home if we don't go public with it."
Aria: "This property actually belongs to Lord Ramza Beoluve, if you'd care to get your facts straight."
Time mage: "No, his lease on the building ran out a week ago, because it was confirmed that he and his sister, Alma, have died."
Aria: *blink, blink* "Hey, Firion."
Firion: "Yes, babe?"
Aria: "Kill them. I'll figure out what to do."
Firion: "You really want me to? I thought we were trying to keep a low profile."
Aria: "We don't have time to discuss this! Kill the lot of them. NOW." *stomps back inside the apartment* "Delita thinks he just owns the place now? HA! When we knew him, he was nothing but a whelp squire having spitfights with that Algus kid." *she walks down the hallway and knocks on the door to Ryoko's room - HARD* "Okay, missy, this is not up for discussion. The Princess needs to make an appearance."
Ryoko: *opens the door* "What?! No way in HELL am I making a royal appearance."
Aria: "If you don't go and see Delita, we're gonna lose our home."
Ryoko: "I don't care."
Aria: "WHAT."
Ryoko: "Mateus?"
Mateus: "What is it, my empress?"
Ryoko: "It's time we left."
Mateus: "Fair enough."
Aria: "What are you talking about? You still owe me for killing off my chocobos, and we're supposed to keep an eye on you because you're the pillar to Ivalice's existence and... what are you DOING?!"
Mateus: "A decision has been made, Miss Dancer."
Aria: "You are not kidnapping Ryoko!"
Mateus: "It's not kidnapping if she goes along with it." *picks up Ryoko and walks to the balcony* "Fare thee well, peons."
Light: "Ryoko! Here, look, last piece of cheesecake!"
Ryoko: *looks at it with a blank face* "I don't want it."
Everyone: !
Mateus: *sprouts his angelic six wings and flies off*
Light: "Mateus! I will find you! This is not over!"
Black mage: "Hey, cut the drama and get out of the building so we can do our job-"
Firion: *uses his axe and cuts up the black mage into six bloody chunks*
Aria: "Wonderful work, babe! Now, we must go see Delita. The moment I tell him the missing princess has been accosted by an AWOL dark wizard, I'm sure he'll jump at the bit to help."
Light: "What makes you so certain?"
Aria: "There was something that happened when he was a child..."
FLASHBACK: The three girls, Ramza, Algus, and Delita have stopped at a carnival. Delita has been watching a wizard do magic tricks. The wizard made winged pigs fly around Delita, and made him scream like a little girl.
Aria: "He never told anyone, but winged pigs are his biggest fear."
Light: "HOW IS THAT GOING TO HELP US?!"
Aria: "Because I know where we can get some winged pigs!"
Firion: "...what? Have you been talking to Lynn again?"
About THREE HOURS LATER, in LESALIA IMPERIAL CITY!
*Delita is on his throne, with his feet propped up on a woman who is being his footstool and surrounded by NPC guards*
Delita: "What came of that hunt for the missing princess?"
Some guard that talks through his nose: "We have not been able to locate her, sir."
Delita: "You fuckers are useless."
Some guard that's so fat he takes up three squares in the FFT battle system: "Uhh, sir, you have a visitor."
Delita: "Hmm? Oh? See him in then."
*Mateus walks in*
Delita: "My, my. I thought you stopped doing orgies."
Mateus: "Oh, I have. My heart belongs to only one now."
Delita: "Then why the fuck are you strolling into my castle like you own the place, you little bitch?"
Mateus: "Because I do, asshole."
Delita: "Pah, kill him."
*the two guards charge, but Mateus kills them instantly with his forcefield*
Mateus: "This country and everyone in it are under my rule, Delita. The moment I marry the true heir to this kingdom, the land is mine by right."
Delita: "You've found her! You've found the missing princess!"
Mateus: "Indeed."
Delita: "So you've come to deal, then! I will make you my second in command, with full rights and hereditary titles, and-"
Mateus: "Delita. You forget. I am the EMPEROR!"
Delita: "Mateus-"
Mateus: "You may call me by my title."
Delita: "Fuck. You. Mateus."
Mateus: "Hmm. You're stubborn. Very well then. I will introduce you to the missing princess. Forgive her shyness, you see, she will only answer to me. Come, now, my dear, and show yourself to the King."
*Ryoko walks into the room, wearing the wedding dress Mateus made for her*
Delita: "The girl I met in the graveyard."
Ryoko: *looks to the floor and walks to Mateus' side, taking his arm*
Mateus: "The rightful heir to Ivalice is mine now. I will take my land now."
Delita: "What proof do you have that she is the heir?!"
Mateus: "Princess. Reveal your birthmark."
Ryoko: "What... will this accomplish?"
Mateus: "Oh, princess, show the king your birthmark. Prove to him that you are who you are."
Ryoko: "But you know... what he did to the last princess, right?"
Mateus: "It matters not, my dear." *yanks her arm and pulls up one of the sleeves to expose her birthmark on her shoulder* "There you go, Delita. She is the princess."
Delita: "Smooth fucker, aren't you? So she is. I want to keep my spot as king of Ivalice. Can we not work out a deal? Perhaps... I can trade you for the lady's custody?"
Ryoko: "No! I know what you did to Ovelia!"
Delita: "That one was a fake to replace the one that died the night of your escape, Princess." *stands up* "Guards came looking for you and they figured you had all ready been dealt with when you went missing. The Lion War is over. I have no interest in any of that."
Ryoko: "I don't want to rule."
Mateus: "So she's giving it to me."
Delita: "...I'll have you both executed!" *draws his sword* "By me!"
*A fighting game screen appears*
Mortal Kombat Announcer: "A magical emperor with powers of both heaven and hell VERSUS some traitor knight king guy."
Delita: "HEY!"
Mortal Kombat Announcer: "Hey, I only call 'em like I see 'em."
Mateus: *spams Flare until Delita's energy bar is empty*
Mortal Kombat Announcer: "Mateus Wins! Flawless Victory! ...even if a bit cheap."
Mateus: "Excuse me?"
Mortal Kombat Announcer: "I don't get paid much these days. I'm sorry I was taking out my anger on you..."
*the fighting game screen fades away*
Delita: *is lying on the floor in pain*
Mateus: "Hahahaha... you know, this palace could use a few skulls decorating it... let's start with yours!"
Ryoko: "No! Mateus! Stop!"
Mateus: "My lady? I... I slipped into my old habits there again. I have no idea what's come over me."
Ryoko: "We didn't come here to take over Ivalice! We came to plead for the people in our apartment building, so we wouldn't have to find a new home!"
Delita: "that... that's all you wanted?"
Ryoko: "Yes! I'll give up my rights to whatever power I'm supposed to have. Just... let those people and my friends keep their homes, please."
Delita: "You really didn't come to claim your right to the throne?"
Ryoko: "Puh-leaze. Too much work and not enough rewards to sit in that damn chair."
Mateus: "Though, I would like to rule, if that counts."
Delita: "So you used the lady for political gain, then?"
Mateus: "Oh yeah, look who's talkin' ya backstabber."
Delita: "I didn't stab her in the back. I stabbed her in her heart."
Mateus: "Because that makes it all the better, right? You're a fucking monster."
Delita: "Ever fucking played Final Fantasy II?"
Ryoko: "Stop trying to decide who's the worse villain all ready."
Delita: "Listening to a weak woman's heart, are you, Mateus? You've really lost your touch."
Mateus: "That woman? She is my future empress, mother fucker."
Delita: "...haha, you left the orgy scene behind because of a woman? You're pathetic. Wait until Seymour hears of that! He won't believe it."
Mateus: "Fuck you, Delita. Leave the building to the princess and we will leave you alone."
Delita: "You have my word."
Ryoko: "Thank you, King Delita."
*suddenly the door of the throne room opens and there are flying pigs EVERYWHERE*
Delita: "WHAT THE CRAZY FUCKITY FUCK OF FUCKERY IS THIS?!"
Mateus: "Okay now you're just trying too hard."
Ryoko: "flying pigs? Now I'm confused."
*Aria bursts in, ready to throw down*
Aria: "I got one thing to say to you, Kingy. Unless you help me... huh? Ryoko? Mateus?"
Delita: *is running around screaming like a little girl while crying* "Teitra, Teitra, where are you?!"
Mateus: "Thanks for breaking it, Aria."
Firion: "Breaking wh... HUH?! What are you guys doing here?"
Ryoko: "We just made him agree to leaving the apartment building alone, and then... you do this?!"
Delita: "I hate you ALL! I'll get all of you for this!"
Aria: "Fuck it. Firion, kill him."
Firion: "WHAT?!"
Aria: "He'll only be trouble later on if we leave him alive."
Firion: "You've been really bloodthirsty lately."
Aria: "I'm on the rag. Can you expect much else?"
Light: *busts in, but no one notices* Aria: "I just feel like KILLING THINGS."
Firion: "But you make me do all the killing!"
Aria: "I feel like making you kill things, then."
Firion: "I couldn't facepalm harder than I am right now."
Delita: *passes out from all the running around and screaming*
Mateus: "And to think, you were a part of Kuja's group..." *lifts his staff* "You will not suffer."
Disembodied voice: "STOP IT."
Mateus: "...YOU!"
*everyone looks up to see that Seymour is standing next to the throne*
Seymour: "Such violence... and in the throne room at that."
Mateus: "Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Antlers."
Seymour: "Do you just like pointing out your own features?"
Mateus: "The fuck are you here for?"
Seymour: "Kuja is having me round up the old group for a get-together, and I thought I would come and let the King have a night off."
Light: "You're Delita's lover, then."
Ryoko: "Light! When did you get here?"
Light: "You didn't even notice? Way to make a man feel loved."
Ryoko: "I was preoccupied!"
Light: "Yeah, by Mateus' overwhelming sexiness."
Ryoko: "Not EVEN."
Seymour: "A lover's quarrel. Most amusing. Now, I need you to die."
Aria: "Firion, Kill him."
Firion: "NO, YOU KILL HIM!"
Seymour: "Two couples having a fight? what a disjointed party you all are. No matter. You will die. You will die here, you will die now."
Mateus: "That's the amusing part. You think you can kill us."
Seymour: "I certainly can't." *reaches into his pocket and pulls out something shiny*
Ryoko: "Wait... wait a minute, is that-?!" *she changes into her alternate classes and checks all her pockets* "What are you doing with that?!"
Light: *rushes in to cut Seymour in twain*
Seymour: *falls over, dead*
Light: "That was easy."
Seymour: *gets back up*
Light: "WHAT."
Seymour: "I'm fucking invincible, mortal fools!"
Aria: "I've had enough! GAHHH!" *she starts charging up energy* "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! KA... ME... HAAA... ME... HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA!" *shoots a huge ass Kamehameha Wave at Seymour and he turns into dust* "FEEL THE PAIN OF MY CRAMPS, FUCKERS."
Delita: "My... MY LOVE!"
Aria: "don't make me give you one, too."
Delita: "No. no. Keep the apartment building! Please! Just go away."
*the team starts walking out together*
Ryoko: "and our home is saved!"
Light: "Indeed."
Mateus: "MmmHmm."
Aria: "All of a sudden, my cramps stopped hurting. I wonder, was Seymour the one causing them?"
Firion: "No, I think you turned all your stress into an energy beam there."
Aria: "I do feel so much better now."
Firion: "Haha."
Mateus: "So, little samurai, you had something you needed to discuss with me after everything was taken care of. What was that?"
Ryoko: "Well, I honestly think it might be time to-"
Light: *puts his hand over her mouth* "No, my love, you don't have to say anything."
Ryoko: "But I thought-"
Light: "Everything is fine. It's all right. I won't complain anymore."
Mateus: "What? What were you complaining about?"
*the group walks off into the sunset like in old timey cartoons*
Mateus: "...what happened?! Why won't you tell meeeeeeee?!"